Home again

We are back, as of Thursday night. The trip was great. Callum was a traveling champ, sleeping and playing quietly on the flights with no bouts of prolonged crying, and adjusting admirably to the eight-hour time difference. His grandparents got in a ton of bonding time (assisted by the fact that they found a giant suitcase full of all of Torsten's old cars and trucks from when he was a kid). He met his great-grandmother, who adored him. He charmed all of our friends and rolled with the wonky schedule and weird bedtimes.

He did become extra clingy, however, and is still not quite over that phase. I heard a LOT of pleas for Mommy while we were in Germany, especially whenever one of his grandparents wanted to pick him up. (Also he would yell "bye-bye Opa!" to indicate that he did NOT want them, thank you, which they found pretty much as charming as you can imagine.) We found that it was actually better for us to leave the house entirely or at least disappear to another floor--he would scream for a minute and then get over it and play happily. So we got in a lot of extra sleeping time, where we would bring him to play with Oma and Opa when he woke up and then we would go back to sleep. It was awesome. But even now that we are back there have been many angry screams for Mommy-Daddy whenever one of us dares to leave the room, so that is an awesome new development. And just in time for him to start daycare tomorrow! I am just hoping that the "out of sight, out of mind" principle will apply and he'll do well with daycare once we've left the premises. Eeek.

Lest this post focus entirely on Callum, Torsten and I had a great trip too. We hit up all Torsten's favorite places in his hometown, and went to some lovely Christmas markets, specifically the one in Mannheim. The weather was brisk but not icy and mostly clear, lucky for a trip in late December. We spent an unexpected night with friends in Paris after an issue with our rental car, but it turned out to be great to have more time with them, though it sucked to miss a day with my host family in Toulouse. Especially since they fed us incredibly well. They pulled out all the stops with the amazing meals and now I'm pretty sure Torsten is dying to go back there at least as much, if not more, than I am.

London was also awesome. I did procure the Marian Keyes book that is not yet out in the U.S., but I failed to find a personalized souvenir for Callum (this was a goal of mine since Callum is a very common name in the UK). The only personalized stuff I could find was ugly and tacky, like keychains with flowers on them that said "the world according to Callum." No license plates, London keychains, or anything else that was at all souvenir-ish. Apparently that's not a Thing in the UK? Who knew. We went to some of Torsten's old favorite places from when he lived in London, walked the Millennium Mile, saw Buckingham Palace and St. Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey, rode the London Eye, checked out the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, and even had one clear, sunny day. We also got a ton of use out of Callum's Bundle Me, because it was definitely chilly.

So, in sum: the trip was awesome, photos will have to come in a separate post because they are scattered across a variety of different devices and I haven't yet uploaded any of them, and I also still need to do that end-of-year survey that I'm sure everyone else is totally sick of. But first I have to catch up on work. And also get everything ready for Callum's first day of daycare. We are definitely back to the real world. But it's kind of great.

P.S. Here's one photo I just pulled off my phone, of Callum sleeping in his car seat on the first transatlantic flight. Like I said: traveling champ.

In-law redux

So, um, in the midst of the Big Reveal and subsequent spewing of several of the posts that I've had in my head for months but haven't been able to share until now, I haven't mentioned the in-laws for awhile, have I?

Well, there's been one big development: they're gone. They left on Monday, actually. And I know this will sound shocking, but Torsten and I were both kind of sad to see them go. It turned out that the visit was actually... not so bad. In some ways it was downright nice. It was what we were hoping for when we originally were looking forward to this visit as a possible bonding experience.

There was a lot of very frustrating, negative stuff at first, but it seems like they just had to spend a few days getting all that out of their system. It was like for the first week or so they acted like guests. They paid for meals when we went out, and they criticized round the clock. (OK, most guests don't do that, but I imagine it was all pent up and they needed to express it.)

But then they relaxed. We relaxed too. We all settled into a routine. When they asked, without a hint of passive-aggressive criticism, if they could help out around the yard because they like gardening, we said sure. And they did SO MUCH to the yard. They pulled down this ratty mini "dog run" fence in our yard. They cut down a stray aspen that was growing in the middle of the yard. They showed us how to properly prune our willow tree. They weeded and mulched the tree beds. And the yard looks SO MUCH BETTER, and also WAY bigger now that the stupid fence is gone. With the fence down and the stray aspen removed, there is a whole big grassy area in the middle of the yard that will be great for future piglets to run around on.

They were also self-sufficient. They didn't complain about the fact that both of us had to work the whole time they were here. Instead, they planned outings for themselves and spent the days out and about, exploring Colorado and thoroughly enjoying themselves. (Thank GOD they ended up getting a rental car.)

Sometimes they were too self-sufficient. Like a couple times on weekends, when we didn't have to work and had expected to spend the day with them, we would wake up at 8:30 or so and come downstairs only to find that they had already left. And then they wouldn't get home until dinnertime. Which... well, if we did that while visiting them, we would never hear the end of it. But it certainly took some of the hosting pressure off us.

Oh, and remember when I said I was hoping to be pregnant by the time they came to visit? (As a side note: Does anyone actually remember that? This is part of why I was so surprised that you were all so surprised when I announced my pregnancy. I thought I'd dropped hints. But apparently not.) Anyway, I was thinking that the pregnancy would be a good excuse to not be "on" all the time, and retreat to my bedroom if necessary. But it turned out they didn't expect me to be "on" anyway. I never had to use it as an excuse for anything.

The pregnancy also wasn't the bonding experience I'd hoped for with his mom. I was so sick, and when I asked her about her experience, thinking we could relate, it turned out that when she was pregnant she felt better than she ever had in her life, and never had a single symptom during the entire thing other than swollen ankles, and then delivered in three hours. So, you know. Not so relatable. (Though I suppose TECHNICALLY there's a chance I'll have a three-hour labor, but let's just say I'm not holding my breath on that one.) But, she was still very sympathetic and understanding when I was dry-heaving in the backyard or passed out in our recliner at 3 in the afternoon.

They loved the dog. LOVED her. I'm pretty sure that they were more upset to be leaving the dog than to be leaving us. Especially my mother-in-law. She spent hours sitting on the floor petting the dog and crooning to her in German. It made me excited to see how she is with Piglet. (And the dog didn't bite them once. Miracle!)

They were addicted to Whole Foods. I am pretty sure they went there every single day of their visit at least once. We found this hilarious, but also awesome as they came home with all sorts of yummy fruit and veggies for everyone to eat.

There was definitely some criticism, some miscommunication, some frustration. It is nice to have our house to ourselves again, and not have to think about guests (especially as I hit the gassy stage of pregnancy). But overall, it went great, and for a three-week visit, it really didn't feel that long. In fact, we're both looking forward to seeing them again in the spring when they come to visit and meet Piglet.

Still, in the meantime we're enjoying it just being us again. For the last time in the next, I don't know, 18-20 years. Yikes!

Selective memory

Germany lost to Spain in the World Cup semifinals yesterday. We DVRed the game and watched it last night. It was pretty grim. Me and three Germans, and I don't think I was rooting for Germany any less than they were. So yes. Four grim, disappointed people shouting curse words at the TV before lapsing into stunned silence as we watched the end of the game play out.

Not like I've never seen my team lose before, but the World Cup sucks because it's only every four years! At least with all the other sports I like, you can soothe yourself by thinking about next year. Not so much in this case.

Unrelatedly, after the fight about the tipping, Torsten's parents said they were going to call their friends' daughter, who also moved to the US and still lives here, to find out if what we were saying was true. I wish they would, but I don't think they did. It's nice to get external confirmation, you know?

Also, the whole thing pisses me off, because they've come to the US to visit Torsten no less than four times, and every time he carefully explains that no, in American restaurants service is not included in the price of the food, and yes, you do have to tip a minimum of 15% unless the service was truly atrocious, and no, letting your water glass get half empty doesn't qualify as atrocious, and no, there are no exceptions, when you don't tip you are hurting someone else's income.

(As a side note, can I just say that I think the whole process of paying restaurant servers a ridiculously low, separate minimum wage and forcing them to depend on the whims of their clientele for their income is insane? Truly, it makes no sense. I KNOW that when Torsten's parents aren't with us, they leave MAYBE $1 as a tip no matter the price of the meal. I have seen many other random restaurant patrons do this as well. In what world does it make sense to leave a hardworking person's ability to pay their rent up to the stingy selfish mood of random patrons?)

Anyway! My original point was, Torsten tells his parents that they must tip EVERY TIME they visit. EVERY TIME. And yet, EVERY TIME, they stare at him in shocked disbelief and absolutely give the impression that they have NEVER heard of such a thing before in their lives and cannot BELIEVE something so outrageous.

And yet! When they went to Macy's on Monday? They remembered from their visit to DC two years ago that as out-of-towners, they were entitled to an 11% discount to make up for sales tax. They remembered that they had to go to the customer service counter to get it. They remembered that the customer service counters in Macy's are usually hidden at the very back of the highest floor of the shop. And they remembered what to say, despite their very limited English, to get the coupon. And despite the fact that they had to navigate all this on their own, at a different Macy's location in a different state, they got the coupon with no trouble, and they used it all day.

So it's not like they CAN'T remember things. It's that they CHOOSE NOT TO. And that is possibly the most frustrating part of all.

On the other hand, perhaps this little trick of memory will allow them to forget the misery of yesterday's World Cup game. And that would be nice for everyone.

One week in

You guys aren't sick of hearing about the in-laws yet, right? OK, good, because I have more to say.

We are 1/3 of the way through the trip. They have been here a whole week. So far things are going pretty well. They are quite self-sufficient, as it turns out. They are addicted to Whole Foods and go there almost every single day at least once. We are quite surprised that they like such a pricey store, but maybe the exchange rate makes it feel more affordable?

They also can entertain themselves doing very little for long stretches of time. Yesterday they went to the mall to take advantage of the holiday sales. They left at 11 a.m. and came home at 7 p.m. They were at the mall that entire time except the last half hour when they were at Whole Foods. I don't know exactly what they were doing at the mall, as the only store they actually purchased anything at was Macy's, but they apparently had a great time during the eight hours they spent there, so we're not complaining.

(Though, as an aside, it's a little weird to me that they complained when they scheduled their visit that we couldn't take vacation time off work for the three weeks they were here, and then on the days we actually don't have to work, they head out for all-day activities by themselves. But hey, whatever works.)

On Friday night we took them to a Rockies game, per their request. We thought they would be bored since they don't understand baseball and it's a long, slow game if you don't know what's going on, but they enjoyed themselves, and the ballpark food, and the fireworks after the game. On Saturday it was a trip to Colorado Springs and Pikes Peak. They were afraid of Pikes Peak, having apparently read in some guide book that the drive up can be dangerous (which... well, the road lacks guardrails and is scary, but as long as you're careful and keep your eyes on the road, I don't think it's actually dangerous). But we talked them into going and they LOVED it, and are still raving about it days later.

Then on Sunday they spent the whole day downtown by themselves. Not quite sure what they did, but they came home in time for dinner and we grilled out with them. We were going to go see the fireworks, but then it poured with rain for hours on end, so we skipped it. We were OK with that, since we saw the fireworks at the Rockies game on Friday. And then yesterday, as I said, they spent the whole day at the mall.

Ooh, but we did spend all of Sunday night playing Rock Band Beatles, which turned out to be surprisingly awesome. We only have three instruments (drums, guitar, and microphone), so I sang, Torsten and his dad traded off the drums and guitar, and Torsten's mom danced. She is an awesome dancer, actually. It was a surprisingly fun bonding experience. I guess the Beatles are universal.

Of course, the negative stuff is all there too. The problem is that most of the negative comments aren't so much funny-terrible (a la Swistle's dearly departed MIL), they're just regular-terrible. They lose no opportunity to make unproductive negative comments such as telling Torsten that he was insane to quit his job to start a company, the company is way too high-risk and nobody will ever pay him for these services, and so on. Which: OK, we get it, that's how they feel, but at this point what is he supposed to do? Shout "You're right!" and go beg for his old job back? It's obviously too late for that, the deed is done, and ignoring the fact that he's a million times happier doing this than he was in his old job, and things are going great with the company, it just seems like the time has passed to make negative comments about the decision, you know?

And then also there was a fight over tips. We went for dinner at a brewery. The bill came to about $60. His parents generously offered to pay. Then they sat at the table debating whether they should leave $1.50 or $2 as the tip. This despite the fact that Torsten has told them a million times that 15% is a MINIMUM tip in this country, and if the service was good (which it was), it should really be more like 20%. And they do so much research before coming here, they MUST have read this in guide books as well. But they just refuse to believe it. Finally Torsten said that if they weren't going to tip an appropriate amount, he would just pay for dinner, at which point they caved in and tipped something more reasonable, but were very angry about it and grumped about it for the rest of the night.

It just gets... tiring. It's just hard to hear constant harping about how every single decision Torsten makes, or that we make together, is wrong and bad and is going to end poorly. When we try to tell them about things and make them feel included, we are met with resistance, or dead silence, or complete disinterest, or comments about how much better things would be if we were in Germany. They say very clearly that they don't want to hear about it, because things happening in our life are all because we live in the US and not in Germany, and that's not their problem, and we can expect no support from them. This no matter what kind of story we're telling, whether we're talking about something good or bad, and of course totally ignoring the fact that we aren't asking for any kind of support other than basic parental moral support.

And I get it, I do. They wish we lived in Germany. They don't like that their son lives so far away. But he does live here, he owns a house here, he has a company here. He's been here for over five years. He is not going anywhere. At a certain point it would be nice if they could accept that fact, or at least try to keep their disapproval to themselves, or at least try to keep their nasty comments to themselves and display SOME sort of interest in what's going on in his life, instead of just stonewalling him because everything he tells them about his life is viewed in the framework of "life in the US instead of in Germany."

But of course, just when you start to get frustrated beyond words, they do something totally nice and unexpected, like bringing me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for no reason. And then you feel guilty for being frustrated. Even though you can see that the negative comments are causing your husband to develop an ulcer.

Four-day weekend begins now

So, I have today off, and Torsten is taking it off too, and we're about to head out with his parents, so this won't be much of a post, but I did want to respond to one question in yesterday's comments.

Turns out, Torsten's parents love Montana. Especially his mom, who was the one who was most concerned about being bitten. She will spend ages on the floor petting her, cooing at her, and generally speaking very cute-sounding German baby talk at her.

My favorite part? She calls her "hundchen," which loosely translates to "doglet." How cute is that?

Montana is a big fan of her grandparents, for sure. She's going to go through some serious regression/withdrawal when they leave and she goes back to just getting regular amounts of attention from boring old us.

Happy 4th, everyone! (And happy belated Canada Day to the Canadians!)

Oof.

I'm tired. Being "on" all the time is exhausting to me. So far the visit is going reasonably well, truly. I mean, it's comedic for sure, but everyone is, at least so far, on their best behavior, and there have been no shocking episodes so far.

But good lord, I'm tired. Thank god I have Twitter to turn to in order to remind me of exactly what happened yesterday that made me so tired. Let's see:

• First (and while I was on a conference call), Torsten's parents dug out the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the entire upstairs, which we had just vacuumed the day before. Also, they dug out the old vacuum cleaner, which barely even works. No wonder it took them so long.
• When I got off the phone, I looked out the window to see them in the backyard. Which, fine, except they weren't, like, hanging out on the patio. They were marching around the yard, inspecting it quite thoroughly.
• When I actually walked outside to see what was going on, they asked if they could mow the lawn. I didn't know what to say. Also I thought it was a weird question. And it was 90 degrees out and boiling hot. And Torsten wasn't there to help. So I said something about "heiss" ("hot") and pointed at the sun. I am a very effective communicator.
• They said they wanted to buy some groceries for breakfasts, and also have lunch, so we sent them off to Whole Foods in their rental car with our GPS (thank god it can be set to German). We were a little nervous about their driving--the rental car is an automatic and Torsten's dad isn't so comfortable with that (he has always slammed on the brake while accelerating multiple times, thinking it was the clutch), and this makes him do other scary things like stop in the middle of the exit ramp to figure out what's going on, or drive at 40 mph on the interstate. So when they hadn't come back 3 hours later, we started to get a little nervous.
  
• Finally they showed up, and we still don't know what in the hell they were doing at Whole Foods for three hours, but that does truly seem to be the only place they went. Then I was stuck awkwardly entertaining them for a couple hours until Torsten got back from his meeting. It turned out to actually not be that bad. Yes, as Sizzle pointed out, it is like playing charades, but at least we can use SOME words. Right?

But hey, for all the awkwardness and the struggles and the weird stuff, they are trying and so are we and they are being nice and so far it's going well. Also, they brought us Lindt chocolate that you can't get in the US, and fancy face cream for me and a really freaking nice watch for Torsten. And gifts usually help make most things better, am I right?

Vindication

Last night when Torsten and I left for the airport to pick up his parents, it was with no small amount of trepidation. Both of us had visions of his parents getting off the plane and immediately launching into a litany of complaints about the trip, involving turbulence, crying children, rude customs agents, and all the rest--and of course telling us that if we had just left them on their (nonexistent) original flight, none of it would have happened.

Of course, we should have known better. Torsten's parents never, ever react the way we think they will, about anything. Truly.

Imagine our shock when they came off the plane falling all over themselves to THANK US for rebooking their trip. We weren't quite as stunned as we were when they got angry about the rebooking in the first place, but still. Definitely quite surprised.

Turns out that they went to the airport yesterday morning at 9, as originally planned, and discovered that almost all of the nearly 200 passengers who had been booked on their canceled flight were at the airport trying desperately to get a flight, ANY flight, out of there. Most of them didn't have any rebooking whatsoever, not even a crappy one later in the week like the in-laws had. There was no communication from Delta to anyone on their plans, and most people were facing days or more stuck in Frankfurt with no way to get to their destination.

And from all this, it was VERY CLEAR that there was no 9 a.m. flight that was going to take them all to Detroit. And apparently at this point Torsten's parents decided to believe us about the horrifying itinerary that they'd been given, and start feeling GLAD that we had spent the time to get them on this much better, and earlier, itinerary.

And not only that, but they actually SAID SOMETHING about how grateful they were when they arrived. Of course, they did not acknowledge or apologize for their initial reaction, but truly, that would have been awkward more than anything else and totally unnecessary.

Seriously, I'm not sure I've ever been so glad to be thanked for something. It was just so unexpected! And I was SO GLAD that they had received external proof that we aren't incompetent, clueless, interfering children. Seriously, I just feel incredibly vindicated.

Now the next question is, will this little lesson of theirs that sometimes we DO know what we're doing carry over into other areas of our lives? Or would that just be expecting too much?

Still no in-laws, AND YET.

Soooo. The in-laws were supposed to arrive last night at 5. They were scheduled on a Delta flight from Frankfurt to Detroit and another from Detroit to Denver. But yesterday morning they called us to tell us that their flight from Frankfurt to Detroit was canceled, and they were stuck in Frankfurt overnight. Of course it wasn't simple--they'd spent hours at the gate being told that they'd be boarding in 20 minutes before the flight was finally canceled--but they were eventually packed off to a hotel in Frankfurt and told to report to the airport at 9 a.m. today for a flight.

SO. There was no confirmation from the airline that they would definitely be flying out this morning, so last night I logged into their online itinerary using their confirmation code to see if they had been rebooked on another flight, and if so, what flight.

And OH, were they rebooked. For a flight TOMORROW, that went first to Paris (where they had a FOUR-HOUR layover), then to Atlanta, THEN to Denver.

Obviously, this was NOT acceptable. A two-day delay and then a three-flight trip? First I called bullshit, and then I called Delta. The first number I tried had me go through a million automated voice prompts before giving me a recording saying that due to unusually high call volume, they would be UNABLE TO TAKE MY CALL, and I should try again later. Then it HUNG UP ON ME.

After I got over the shock (I have NEVER called a 24/7 customer service line and not AT LEAST been given the option to wait on hold for several hours), I called another number, finally got through to a real person, who told me they couldn't help me and transferred me to another person, who ALSO told me they couldn't help me and transferred me to another person, and apparently the third time is the charm because this woman COULD help me, and DID.

It took an hour and a half while she searched airline after airline for a decent itinerary for a flight TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, and FINALLY she found a flight leaving Frankfurt at noon, going through Atlanta, and then arriving this evening in Denver. It had only one stop. It was on Lufthansa, which is widely considered one of the best airlines in the world, especially by Germans. The layover was a perfectly reasonable length, enough time for them to get through customs without stressing but not so much time that they will be sitting in the airport for hours on end.

Instead of a 22-hour trip airport-to-airport, they are now booked on a trip that will take them 14 hours total. By calling Delta, we saved them a day stuck in Frankfurt and eight hours of travel time, not to mention getting them a transatlantic flight on a better airline.

In short, it was perfect. The Delta rep booked it, sent me confirmation emails, and was generally so wonderful that I actually WAITED ON HOLD AGAIN just so I could tell her supervisor how wonderful she had been.

Over two hours later, I finally hung up the phone. And then there was just one small detail left--getting in touch with Torsten's parents to tell them about the change in plans. It was about 5 a.m. in Frankfurt but we knew they'd probably be awake, since they were thinking that they'd be flying out of Frankfurt at 9. We called their cell phone. No answer. We called their hotel room. No answer. We called the front desk of the hotel, who confirmed that they had not yet checked out and was even so kind as to go knock on the door of their room--but no answer.

Finally we figured out that they must be having breakfast in the hotel restaurant, and the front desk connected us to the restaurant hostess, who literally called out their name in the middle of the restaurant and finally got Torsten's dad on the line.

So Torsten explained to his dad: your original flight to Detroit yesterday was scheduled for 10:50. There was no 9 a.m. flight. They just told you to show up at the airport at 9 a.m. so that you could be told when you would actually be flying, and through where. We knew that, so we checked your itinerary online and saw that you had been booked on a terrible three-leg trip that wouldn't actually leave for another day. So we spent two hours on the phone with Delta and got you a great flight, for today, on your favorite airline, with just one layover. Here are the details and we'll see you tonight! Yay!

EXCEPT. His parents were PISSED. I am not even kidding when I say they flat-out DID NOT BELIEVE US. His father kept repeating that no, they weren't flying out tomorrow on a three-leg trip, they were flying out this morning at 9 to Detroit. And we said no, there IS no 9 a.m. flight to Detroit, even if you WERE flying through Detroit it would be at the same time as YESTERDAY'S scheduled flight, but there is no way they can fit two planes' worth of people onto one plane, so instead they booked you on this terrible flight TOMORROW, but we fixed it for you, and you're all set, here are the details.

And they just INSISTED that we were wrong. His father kept asking why on earth we would book them a flight for noon, through Atlanta, when they had been planning to leave at 9, through Detroit. And no matter how many times we explained that THE NINE A.M. FLIGHT DIDN'T EXIST, and if we hadn't called they would be SPENDING ANOTHER NIGHT IN FRANKFURT, they just insisted we were wrong. Throughout Torsten's 20-minute phone call with his dad, we could hear his mother in the background, complaining vigorously. Complaints centered around the fact that we were interfering, why couldn't we have left well enough alone, they had this great 9 a.m. flight and now they had to wait until noon, she wanted to fly through Detroit and not Atlanta, and so on.

I have never heard two people more upset to get good news. Or two people more unwilling to believe THEIR OWN CHILD when he told them that no, it is NOT just the website saying that you're on this crappy itinerary TOMORROW, the people on the phone CONFIRMED that this was your booking, and if we hadn't called you would have shown up at the airport ONLY TO BE SENT AWAY AGAIN.

They just WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT. And I know, I KNOW, that his mother will spend the ENTIRE NINE-HOUR FLIGHT today complaining about how we ruined their whole trip, and why are they on this stupid flight, and if they'd left at 9 they'd be there by now.

I am not even kidding, I WISH we had never called to change their flights. They say they wish we hadn't interfered? I wish the same thing. I wish I had those two hours of my life back, and that they had shown up at the airport this morning only to be told that no, they would not be flying out that day, and they would have the crappiest of all flight itineraries the NEXT day. At least then they'd be mad at Delta and not mad at us.

MAD AT US. For HELPING them and saving them TWO DAYS of misery.

The sad part is, Torsten and I were both LOOKING FORWARD to this visit. We were actually DISAPPOINTED about the original flight delay, and even more disappointed when we saw that it might be a two-day delay. And now? We are DREADING it.

Torsten swears he's sleeping at the neighbors' house tonight so he doesn't have to deal with them. And I have to say, I really don't blame him. Seriously, I am tempted to make them sleep on the floor without even a towel, next to the vicious dog.

And so it begins

Torsten's parents aren't even here yet (they arrive Monday), and yet the stories about the visit... well, THOSE have arrived. Those of you who follow me on Twitter will already know this, but it's too good not to share.

So, Torsten was Skyping with his parents yesterday about their trip, and they were asking reasonable questions about what to bring, because they can only have one suitcase each without paying baggage fees. Their reasonable questions were things like, "Will it be warm all the time or should we pack long sleeves?" They've never been to Denver, so this question makes sense.

But then. THEN. THEN we moved on to the UNreasonable questions. And this is where I thank god for Twitter, because after laughing hysterically when Torsten told me about the questions, I posted them to Twitter and got to laugh even more hysterically when I saw some of your suggested responses. Really, they were all hilarious, and I will repeat a few of them here so we can all appreciate your comedic genius. I am not kidding when I say I literally laughed until I cried. Seriously, there were tears rolling down my face.

First they asked, "Do you have towels?"

Some suggested responses, from the brilliance of Twitter:

• "Tell them that you and Torsten really like to go streaking through the yard on a hot summer day, but they can bring their own." (from Jonniker)
• "Just tell them that you don't bathe at all and never thought of getting any." (from Eleanor)
• "Yes, three. One for me. One for Jess. And one for Montana. You had best bring your own." (from Nilsa)

Next: "So, do you have a mattress we can sleep on?" (NO I AM NOT KIDDING. A MATTRESS. Why do they even ASK? If we had said no would they have PACKED ONE in their little suitcase? Seriously, WTF?)

And more brilliant Twitter responses:

• "Tell them they will also need to bring their own airport, since you don't have one there." (from Swistle)
  
• "Tell them to pack toilet paper unless they like the jiggle & drip method. Or leaves. That's just how outdoorsy CO people do it." (from kakaty)
• "No, we sleep in sleeping bags on the floor. Don't worry, we've got some for you. Who needs beds when you've got shag carpets?" (from Nilsa)

And the third question, which is also possibly the best question: "Will Montana bite us?"

Again, Twitter came through for me:

• "Only if you take her mattress and towel away. She doesn't like that." (from Sarah)
• "Do they think you live in a shack in the remote wilderness like crazy hermits?" (from Erica)
• "'How was trip?' 'GREAT! They had PANS!! And TOILET PAPER! And the dog only bit us FOUR TIMES!'" (from Swistle)

BWAHAHAHAHA. Every time I read these suggestions from you guys I crack up all over again. Seriously, I cannot get over how insane these questions are. I mean, I get it, they're obviously nervous about this trip (though I have to say I'm not quite sure WHY... they've been to visit us in the US multiple times before and they never acted like this), but STILL. DO YOU HAVE A MATTRESS? REALLY?

So anyway, let's keep the hilarity going! Any more awesome suggestions for responses to these questions? Because seriously, the more, the better!

Maybe the heat has gone to my head

Ironically, after all that griping, yesterday turned out to be much cooler than forecast. I don't think the temperature even hit 80, and it was cloudy most of the day and rained in the evening (thank god for our lawn). And the house cooled down considerably, to the mid-70s, and became much more bearable.

Still, the hot days occur often enough (supposedly it's going to be 95 degrees tomorrow) that our interest in a swamp cooler is definitely justified. We made appointments with a couple companies for estimates so we can figure out how much it will really cost. I also did research into rebates and tax credits. It looks like, bizarrely, the federal government gives a tax credit for relatively energy-efficient, mainstream heating and cooling systems like central air, but not for swamp coolers (which use about 25% of the energy that a comparable central AC system would use). However, our local energy company does offer a $200 unit on energy-efficient models, so that would help subsidize the cost as well.

Anyway, we'll see. We'll see what the cost is, we'll assess our budget, and we'll figure out what we want to do. Well, we know what we WANT to do. We'll figure out what is feasible, and reasonable, to do.

And I know Torsten's parents will thank us if we install the swamp cooler, but given that they were too... frugal... to install any kind of cooling system in their home, and instead just sweltered all summer along with their child, if we don't have a swamp cooler by the time they arrive, they will have no leg to stand on when it comes to complaining about it. Still, it would be nice to have a comfortable home to welcome them into, you know?

Speaking of which... Torsten's parents are coming to visit THIS MONTH. They arrive in less than three weeks. And then they stay for three full weeks. But, they are renting a car for the full duration of their stay, and maybe I'm crazy, but I'm kind of looking forward to their visit. This will be the first time they've visited us in Denver, and the first time they've stayed with us as opposed to in a hotel, and I know there will certainly be adjustment issues and whatnot, but also, I think it will be a great bonding experience. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

But we are looking forward to showing them Colorado. They've never been out west, and they're big outdoorsy types, so we know they'll love the mountains, and all the beautiful sights and hikes there are around here. Denver seems like their kind of town, and hopefully they'll be relaxed because they don't have to pay for a hotel, and also they like dogs and have always wanted one of their own (and never got one because of the perceived expense of dog ownership) so I think they'll enjoy having Montana around as well.

I know, I'm crazy, looking forward to a three-week visit from the in-laws. But I think it will be good! At the very least it should be interesting. And I'm just so relieved that it's not the four weeks they were originally planning that I am inclined to feel charitable about the whole thing.

I'll let you know how I'm feeling about the visit as the date gets nearer, though. And of course I'll keep you posted during the visit as well. Though of course I can't promise I'll update every day. It's possible I'll be so drained/exhausted that I won't have the energy for anything other than the bare minimum, including blogging. But I'm seriously hoping that won't be the case.

My fourth language

So, now that there's a visit from Torsten's parents in the works, I've been motivated to hit my Rosetta Stone pretty hard in the past couple weeks. I've battled my feelings about German being too slow to learn by just doing one or two lessons whenever I have a couple minutes, even if it's just waiting for water to boil or something. And as a result, I'm learning a lot.

My vocabulary is expanding rapidly and I am slowly starting to understand a bit of the structure. Just bits and pieces here and there, but it's helpful, and I can envision it all coming together a bit more solidly down the line. My comprehension is already decent, and this will help me be able to actually participate in conversations instead of listening but not being able to contribute.

But holy crap is German grammar hard. I can't even get my head around it. There are all three genders and all these different cases and the word order makes no sense and the articles take different endings depending on a bunch of confusing factors that I don't really understand. As far as I can tell there are a bunch of rules and there isn't any trick to learning them... you just have to know them. Even Torsten, a native speaker, has trouble answering me when I ask him to explain why a word is one way when it was another way in the previous lesson.

For example, articles take a different ending in sentences if the sentence could answer a question that starts with "wen," which means "who," except there's another word, "wer," that also means "who," but if the question starts with wer instead of wen, then the article in the answer doesn't take the different ending, and I have no idea what the difference between wen and wer even IS, and the article applies whether or not anyone has actually ASKED the freaking question to begin with.

AND THE WHOLE FREAKING LANGUAGE IS LIKE THAT.

(I just showed Torsten that paragraph I wrote about the wen/wer thing, and asked if it was right. He read it and said, "Exactly." Which, HAHA, exactly WHAT? Exactly yes this is insane? Exactly yes German is unnecessarily complicated? Exactly yes it is impossible to understand and exactly yes I have indeed summarized this ridiculous rule accurately? ARGH. EXACTLY.)

Luckily, I have a natural affinity for new languages, and that is helping me because my mind makes connections that I don't even know it's making. So, when I go through a grammar lesson and it's asking me which of the three genders a particular word takes, sometimes I just know, I can just tell what sounds right, and it turns out that I've seen the word once or twice before and somehow my brain has clung to that knowledge. THAT is what saves me from going completely insane.

The other thing is that I'm trying not to worry too much about the grammar. Complete fluency isn't the goal here--it's about communication. And I don't think anyone will care if I use the wrong article as long as it's clear what I'm trying to say. So I just keep reminding myself every time I make a mistake on a grammar question that yes, I want to learn it, and yes, it will get easier, but in the meantime, I'm learning words and sentence structure that will allow me to communicate with my in-laws and, eventually, understand my children even when they aren't speaking English. And that is key.

Also, I think it's weird that only just now, many many lessons into this, have I learned how to say "My name is" and "Nice to meet you." But, better late than never, right?

Ich heisse Jess. Nett, Sie kennenzulernen.

(SEE? The word for "meet" is about 17 times longer than it needs to be. And it's not specific to this phrase. You can also kennenzulernen someone in the street. Why? WHY?)

PANIC alert

I have two things I want to note quickly, and then one thing I want to panic about, not quickly.

First: I have a new post up at Bodies about why I'm not on birth control pills anymore. Fun with charting! (And no, we're not trying to conceive. Yet. Unfortunately.)

Second: I am selling some of my too-big clothes. I've already sold eight pieces, but I have another 20 or so left. Email me if you're interested and I'll show you what I've got.

Now, onto the panic. We've known for awhile that Torsten's parents would be coming to visit this summer, but we thought it would be for 10 days to two weeks. We were looking forward to it, actually. They're challenging, but they're also nice, and this will be their first time in Denver, seeing our house, meeting Montana, and so on. I was looking forward to hosting them in our home and hopefully getting to know them a bit better (at least as much as the language barrier allows).

BUT. Now they've told Torsten that they're planning on coming for three to four weeks. Four weeks is a month. A MONTH!!

It's not them, really it's not. I like them, I do. I mean, they're not exactly low-maintenance, and the language barrier makes things challenging, but it's not like they're evil and intolerable or anything. They mean well, though I do get frustrated with their negativity and complete lack of support for Torsten's choices (sample comment: That is a stupid name for your company. And the website design is ugly. And really, why would anyone pay you for these services?).

They're nice people. I'm sure his dad will help with some home improvement projects, and his mother will probably do some excellent cooking. They like to hike, and we should have fun. And hopefully since they won't be staying in a hotel and we won't have to plan times and places to meet up, it will be somewhat more relaxed than past visits.

But four weeks. FOUR WEEKS. I don't think there is anyone that I would be happy to have in our house for that long, no matter who it was. And we'll feel the need to entertain and whenever Torsten isn't in the room there will be lots of awkward smiling and nodding, since we can barely converse. And at night we won't be able to just relax and read or watch TV or whatever. And that's what I need, that is my time. Our time. Oh god.

And also, apparently they won't be renting a car? So it will just be the four of us with our Civic. Which means that if they go somewhere during the day while we're working, we'll both be stuck at home. Conversely, if we go to the gym or the dog park or the grocery store, they'll be stuck at home. And we'll have to, like, SCHEDULE the car in case someone has a doctor's appointment one day.

Seriously, I really think that if they just rented a car this whole trip would seem a lot less scary to me. The idea of all having to do everything together is just... well. I guess I'm an introvert in that I need alone time to recharge. And having house guests for four weeks... oh MY.

Also, I'm hoping to be pregnant by then, and I can't decide if that will make things better or worse. It could be better, in that I'd have an excuse to retire to my room to nap, throw up, etc., and I'd have an excellent reason not to participate in every little activity. But it could be worse in that I'd be, you know, pregnant and possibly miserable, and possibly not have the energy to deal with guests and their needs. I want to be hospitable, you know? Welcome them to our house and home, show them the sights, take them hiking and on weekend trips and whatnot. And if I'm pregnant and exhausted... well, we'll see.

I am trying so hard to get Torsten to convince them to rent a car. AT LEAST for part of the time. Thinking about the four of us (plus the dog, and possibly a fetus) stuck together in the house, basically chained together as far as decision-making and leaving the house go... it's not good for my stress levels, that's all I'm saying.

Four weeks. A MONTH WITH THE IN-LAWS OMG.

Questions I'm asking myself

1. What should we do for New Year's?
Last year we had friends over along with their new baby. We made a big dinner and sat around eating and chatting for hours, then toasted with champagne at midnight. It was lovely and relaxing and one of my favorite ways I've ever celebrated New Year's. (Further evidence of my domestic nature, I suppose.)

This year, we're living in Denver and those friends are living in Illinois. We do have friends here in Denver but they aren't of the same close nature and I imagine that they have closer friends that they'd rather spend the holiday with, you know? Assuming they're not out at some party or whatever.

So, really I guess I'm answering my own question. We'll probably spend New Year's in, just us and the dog. And that will have to be OK.

2. Will this weight-loss thing ever get easier?
I know surgery isn't the easy way out, and I'm OK with that. It has made the weight loss possible and sustainable, and I'm happy about that. It's working, so I have no regrets. But I guess I thought that it some point it would get easier. Not that the weight would melt off effortlessly, but that it would stop requiring quite so much work and thought, all the time. I suspect that this is because I'm close to being at restriction but not quite there (and my fantastic fourth fill relaxed over the course of the month, making it less effective, which is normal but still frustrating) and that after my next fill, or maybe the one after that, this WILL get easier. At least, that's what I'm hoping. In the meantime, I'm trying to just be glad that it's working at all, even if it's still quite difficult.

3. What are good reasons to wait to have a baby?
I have what I consider to be a very good reason to put off pregnancy: my surgery and my health. I think getting as healthy as possible pre-pregnancy, and having taken steps (such as surgery) that show you that those goals are possible and that you're not just delaying pregnancy forever to pursue a pipe dream, is a great reason to wait, especially when there's an end date on that waiting. But from there, things get fuzzier. For example, Torsten and I were talking and he was saying how much he wants a baby too, and how he would feel ready to have one right now if it weren't for work. He has some work stuff he wants to accomplish before he'll feel totally ready. He wants to be slightly more financially stable, too.

It's a worthy goal, and an understandable one, but for me it falls into the category of "if you think like that you'll never think you're ready so we might as well just do it now." Luckily it's not a sticking point because we're waiting thanks to my surgery anyway, and he agrees that if he isn't where he wants to be career-wise when the end point arrives, he can deal with it and having a baby will be the top priority anyway. So I'm glad we're on the same page with that. But with people for whom things aren't quite so clear-cut, I wonder what things are important enough to hold you back from making the leap. Especially if it's a leap you're dying to make.

4. How long does it take to reach the "acceptance" stage?
I know that Torsten's parents struggle with the fact that he lives so far away, and I can totally understand that. I really can. I know it is difficult to have a child living on a different continent, especially when your child isn't always so good at calling regularly. But how long does it take until you become resigned/used to the situation, and make the best of it, and stop complaining about it, both overtly and passively? At some point can we expect the comments to stop? Or are we just fooling ourselves in hoping that some day our choices will be received more positively, and that they will really look at us as a unit that makes decisions together?

5. What in the hell is wrong with my computer?
It has only just started doing this thing where the touchpad seems to "click" on its own so I am suddenly not in the window I was in, or the cursor moves while I type so that half the text ends up randomly inserted in a previous paragraph. It is driving me NUTS.

Home, but hungry

So, we got back from Germany last night after one of those fun 19-hour traveling experiences. We arrived only about half an hour later than scheduled, in the early evening just in time to see the sun setting over the mountains. We picked up Montana from the kennel, had an ecstatic reunion with her, went home, and went to bed.

Say what you will about how nice and well-intentioned my in-laws are, and for the most part they are, but visiting them is certainly not a low-stress experience, especially for Torsten, who has to hear all the constant little niggling comments. The trip was fun, and necessary, and we had a very nice party in honor of our wedding on Saturday night, but oh, is it nice to be home. I am actually glad to be back, and working, and in our own space.

Also, I started my pre-surgery liquid diet yesterday. I took the advice of several of you and brought bouillon cubes on the plane, and thank god because otherwise I would have had nothing to eat. Not that hot water with bouillon REALLY qualifies as something to eat, but it holds you over a little bit, you know? When we got home I ate four little cups of sugar-free Jell-O and a popsicle. And that's pretty much the extent of what I'm allowed to eat from now until the surgery on Thursday.

I weighed myself last night because I was curious to see how much weight this liquid diet would cause me to lose, and I hadn't lost any at all. Then I started being annoyed, wondering how I could have possibly gained so much weight in Germany that not eating for a day would only bring me back down to my original weight, and feeling like I was going to be that one ridiculous person who didn't lose any weight on the liquid diet. But I was too tired to think about it, and went to bed.

This morning I weighed myself again and I had lost six pounds. So, there we are. I do not think I actually lost six pounds overnight. I think that my weight last night was skewed high because I had just drunk/eaten a ton of water, and I was retaining it because of the sodium in the bouillon and the flying and all that. But, I do feel better about the whole liquid diet thing. And I am curious to see how much more weight I'll lose over the next two days.

Also, I don't know if it's just because it's early morning or what, but while yesterday afternoon I was pretty much ready to eat my own arm (and starting my liquid diet on a day of being awake for 24 hours straight did not help out with that), today I hardly feel hungry. I assume that will change at some point. Also, I'm struggling to get it through my head that I will not be eating later, you know? Like oh I'll just have some broth now but then tonight there will be dinner. Except that dinner will be more broth. But maybe it's self-preservation that makes me keep forgetting that.

Also, I don't think we ever really adjusted to the time difference while we were in Germany. We went to bed at like 9 p.m. yesterday because we were exhausted from traveling, so I figured we'd wake up at 3 a.m., which would be 11 a.m. German time, but actually I didn't wake up (not counting the four times I had to pee--damn liquid diet) until my alarm went off after 7. So, perhaps that means we won't have to deal with jet lag anymore? We can only hope.

All right, I'm off to have a delicious breakfast of Jell-O and Crystal Light. This surgery had better be worth it.

Easy-peasy

Being in the midst of wedding planning, I am naturally interested in everything wedding related. We won't even discuss the giant stack of wedding magazines in our apartment (and that's after I gave a huge pile of them away to two engaged friends). But I read tons of wedding blogs, and I love movies about weddings, and I love looking at pictures of weddings, and I love reading books about weddings.

And in the process of surrounding myself with everything wedding, what I have learned is that I am very, very lucky.

Everyone says that they are so impressed with how organized I am, how calm I am now that the wedding is fast approaching, what a great bride I am and how this is proof that if you just do things in advance, it is possible to remain calm. And that's true, to a certain extent. I have been organized, and my goal always has been to get everything done ahead of time so that we did not spend the week before our wedding super stressed and sleep deprived.

But part of it is luck. I read the blogs and the advice columns and I see incredible problems that brides face. And I don't mean the really huge stuff like a family member dying or the groom suffering a huge medical problem or something. I mean the stuff like bridesmaids going crazy, and guest lists tripling through no fault of the couple, and then, what I think would be the worst thing, families acting insane.

And really, we are so lucky. I have definitely done my share of complaining about my future mother-in-law on here, but I know that pretty much all the problems that I've had with her stem from circumstance and cultural difference, not from innate meanness or dislike on either end. And when it comes to the wedding, she and Torsten's dad have both been fantastic--giving us money to help pay, and then being curious and supportive but not interfering.

And my parents have been the same way. My parents paid for the majority of the wedding costs, and while according to the wedding magazines that gives them a pretty strong say in how the wedding goes, with them it hasn't been like that at all. And I'm not saying that I would have been opposed to them having more say in wedding-related decisions if they had wanted to. But you read about parents who put 100 acquaintances on the guest lists, parents who insist on doing everything their way with no regard for the desires or personalities of the couple actually getting married, parents who start huge family feuds over wedding-related trivialities.

And my parents? Well, here are the issues on which they have offered an opinion (not including moments when I have turned to them for advice, at which times they have been supportive but still not insistent):

1. What time the cake is cut. (I did not have an opinion about this. My mother, to my surprise, did. So, I went with her suggestion.)

2. Who sits at their table. (Fair. And we agreed. In fact, their suggestions solved pretty much the only seating dilemma I was having. So it was easy.)

3. That the DJ play music they can dance to. (They take ballroom dancing lessons. And they're good at it. We picked a good DJ. All set.)

4. Actually... I can't think of a fourth.

See what I mean? Part of the reason why I have been able to remain so calm, and get so much done, is that people have been supportive and accommodating. Nobody has tried to create conflict, nobody has taken anything overly personally, nobody has made anything more difficult than it had to be, intentionally or not.

We've been really, really lucky. And I'm so glad that at our wedding, we can just sit back and relax and not worry that there will be some sort of unexpected fighting or drama. Everyone will be relaxed and enjoying themselves, us included. We have really great families.

Why I don't want to learn German

So, part of this whole marrying a German guy thing means that one of my goals is to learn German reasonably well sometime over the next couple of years. Or at least, a year ago when we got engaged, that was one of my goals. I bought a fancy CD-ROM German course and a couple of books about raising bilingual kids and set to work.

And then Torsten's parents came to visit. And they are very nice. Truly, they are. But they are also... well, kind of high maintenance. They are wary of me, or at least they were at first. And I know they weren't thrilled about our engagement, not because of me personally but because I'm American and represent permanent distance between themselves and their son. So while they are very nice, and great parents, and raised their son to be the most amazing and wonderful man I could ever imagine... they're difficult.

And then we went to visit them in Germany a couple months later. It was our first visit. It was challenging and stressful. But the one thing that made it easier for me was that we hardly speak the same language. Yes, sometimes it was frustrating that when Torsten wasn't there, we couldn't have a real conversation. But other times? Everyone was sitting around having a conversation? And I didn't have to be on edge. I didn't have to be worried about following along and being ready to provide a witty, clever response or interjection on a moment's notice. I didn't have to use all my energy presenting a charming facade and generally making sure that I never allowed a doubt in their mind about how happy their son will be spending his life with me.

In short, I could tune out, and there were no expectations. And it was great. And it's making me really reluctant to start learning German, because then there will be expectations? And I'm really not sure I want to deal with those.

Plus, I hear that mothers-in-law can often be very opinionated when it comes to how you're raising your kids? And it can be the most frustrating thing ever? And can I just say, if my mother-in-law is going to disapprove of my parenting methods, and say so out loud? It will probably be good for everyone's sanity and general family relations if I don't understand what she's saying.

I can picture it now: I allow our toddler to eat something he picked up off the ground. Torsten's mother lets loose with a string of horrified, scolding German. I say to Torsten, "What did she say?" And he says, with great diplomatic sense, "She just thinks that Torsten Jr. is SO CUTE. She says he looks just like you!"

Plus? The whole raising kids bilingual thing? It sounds like the optimal strategy is for each parent to speak their native language to the kids as much as possible. Which means that while it would be helpful for me to understand German, it won't be necessary for me to actually speak it. And I already kind of understand German. I can usually follow the generalities of a conversation and at least pick up on the gist of what's being said.

The reason for that is because I am intimately familiar with Torsten's life, and a lot of German words sound similar to their English counterparts, so as soon as I recognize a couple of words I figure out what he's talking about. I don't think I would be nearly as good at understanding a complete stranger's conversation.

But STILL. It's good enough for me. In exchange for peace of mind when it comes to a volatile in-law relationship? I'm starting to think I'm better off in the dark.

Germany: In-laws edition

Hi! This time I'm really back! We got home last night after 20 straight hours of traveling (note to self: never again agree to fly through Dallas when going from Europe to the East Coast. It will add approximately 6 hours to your trip). I'm sorry to say that I was way too exhausted to do anything with photos, like upload them or organize them, so a full trip recap with photos will have to wait until tomorrow. Today I thought I'd go into a discussion of the in-laws, since that part doesn't really need photos.

So, first of all, things with Torsten's parents went really well. Everything was much more relaxed than last time, and his mother was really nice and not at all passive-aggressive. Both his parents were really friendly to me, and even managed to discuss wedding stuff with us without getting shocked and appalled expressions at their face (assumption being that appalled faces have to do with cost of wedding and not idea of their son marrying me of all people, but you never know).

And the biggest miracle of all is that his mother did NOT say anything to him about how he is always welcome to come home if things don't work out with me! She hardly even cried when she said goodbye, AND she hugged me like five times and seemed sad to see me go too, AND when she was saying goodbye to me she said all sorts of nice things in German, which means that I didn't really understand them but I understood enough to tell that they were nice!

Plus, Torsten's dad's birthday party was great. It lasted for about eight hours and even though I don't speak the language, I had a great time and wasn't bored until the last hour or so, when everyone started feeling the effect of all the beer they had drunk and having long, drawn-out conversations that Torsten didn't translate. His whole extended family was really nice and friendly, even the ones that Torsten said aren't usually that nice. And a couple of them spoke basic English, so I actually managed to have a few conversations over the course of the evening.

And Torsten's dad gave a toast thanking everyone for coming, and he talked about how wonderful his wife was, and then he talked about how wonderful Torsten was, and then he talked about how wonderful I was. I didn't understand most of what he was saying, but I could tell that it was sweet and well-intentioned, and I really appreciated the gesture.

Basically, unlike last time, I actually felt included in the family on this trip, and it seemed that his parents felt that way too. And it was such a relief after the sensation I had last time of not being part of the family at all.

Even his grandmother was nice, and she is never nice. She seems to like me a lot, although it's hard to tell why since we can't actually have a conversation at all. The first time she saw me she went on about how much weight I had lost and how good I looked. Of course, then she negated that the next time by telling Torsten that she couldn't believe how much weight I had lost, and that I must have been really fat before. Oh, and she also asked him if I would go with him if he ever moved away from DC. Because apparently marriage means something different in the US than it does in Germany. Still, though, she wasn't being mean or malicious when she asked those questions--she's just an old woman and slightly confused and definitely tactless. So I choose not to take offense.

Anyway, you guys asked a bunch of great questions yesterday (and if you haven't asked one yet, feel free to go back and do so now!), and I do not want to answer them all at once, because oh my god that would be a really long post. So instead, I will try to answer the questions in posts that they are relevant to. And there was one question yesterday about in-laws, so I will go ahead and answer it now. It's from Marie, who asks, "If you could tell your soon to be mother-in-law what you really think of her (without any repercussions), what would you say?"

My answer to this question probably would have been a lot different before this last trip. Given how well things went this time, I don't actually have that much I would feel compelled to say to her. Before, I would have had plenty to say about how I would really like her to accept that even though I'm American and likely to keep her son from ever moving in next door with her, he is happy with me and that should be the most important thing to her, as his mother. And also probably something about her, er, frugality.

But at the moment I'm in a pretty good mood about the whole in-law thing, so I will end by focusing on the positive. My future parents-in-law like me! I think! And I like them too.

Germany: It's that time again.

So, Torsten and I are leaving for Germany tomorrow. (Don't worry, I have an array of fabulous guest posters lined up to keep you entertained in my absence.) I'm kind of thinking about taking bets on whether or not Torsten's mother is going to tell him when she says goodbye, for the third time, that he's always welcome to come home if things don't work out between us. Any takers? What do you think? Personally, I think she will and Torsten thinks she might not.

But wait! Before I talk about Germany, I have to talk about wedding invitations. Last night my sister and I went to Paper Source after work to attempt to resolve my invitation crisis. Paper Source, by the way, is an absolutely amazing store, and we are lucky enough to have one of their few brick and mortar stores nearby (they only have them in seven states plus DC). Their website is also great, but I am so beyond websites at this point. I need a person, a real, knowledgeable one to whom I could spew all my confused ideas and who would respond with a tangible, good idea.

And it happened! It really happened. The salesperson who helped us was GREAT. She spent like an hour with us, and at the end I knew exactly what I wanted and had the materials to produce it. Yes, I'm going the DIY route like I threatened. But my sister is going to help (as well all know that Torsten will be useless in this regard). And if things get really down to the wire, perhaps I'll have a little bloggy save-my-invitations get-together where all of you can come to my apartment to help and we will blow through those suckers in like half an hour. Sound good?

ANYWAY. Pipe dreams of bloggy crafty fun aside, the invitation is SO COOL. It's difficult to describe (part of why we had to spend over an hour with the salesperson), and I will do a post (with photos!) about the actual assembly process once my sister and I start. But basically it's a dark purple horizontal pocketfold, and when the the recipient opens the flaps, they'll see a big light purple sheet with the invitation printed in English and German. On the bigger flap there will be a little purple pocket with cream polka dots and in the pocket will be the RSVP and info cards. Then the whole thing will be folded up and tied with a purple ribbon, which will be sealed with a bigger cream dot. The envelopes will be matching dark purple and have a vellum liner with little silvery flowers on it. There will be another cream dot as the address label, which will be hand addressed in purple ink.

It is PERFECT. And it deals with all the issues we were worried about. Of course, it's possible that when we try to put it all together it will be a time-consuming nightmare, in which case we will be back to square one. So, we bought one of everything, and when I get back from Germany, my sister and I are going to attempt to print and assemble a couple of invites to make sure it is doable and to figure out how much of everything we need to buy.

It was great. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER. And we only need to make 75 invitations, and they don't need to be sent until August, so even if we make, like, one every other day between now and then, we will still have plenty of time.

And speaking of Germany, let's get back to what I was saying at the beginning of this post. We're going to spend just a couple of days in London visiting friends first, and then we are going to Torsten's parents' house to celebrate his father's 60th birthday in style. And by "in style" I mean that I am going to meet Torsten's entire extended family for the first time all at once. And remember how last time I went to Germany, I was totally going to learn German first? Well, ha ha, I didn't do it last time and I haven't done it this time either. So while that will make it a bit more difficult for me to really get to know Torsten's family, it also gives me an excuse to totally tune out of what's going on and just smile and nod.

So, um, to make me feel better, how about you all tell me about the first time you met the family of a significant other? Happy stories are welcome and horror stories are ESPECIALLY welcome. But, um, if you have a story about how this one time you went to meet the entire extended family, and they didn't speak the same language as you, and it was awful and you wound up in tears and still haven't totally recovered? MAYBE DON'T TELL ME THAT STORY RIGHT NOW.

High-level whining

This weekend Torsten and I looked into buying tickets to Germany in April so that we can be there for his father's 60th birthday party. You know what sucks? April birthdays. International plane tickets cost so much during prime spring break season, and we can't get around it by traveling in the off-season when there's a birthday involved.

Anyway, there's going to be a big party with all of Torsten's extended family in attendance, so it will be the first (and possibly only--since they are all unlikely to make the trip over here for our wedding) time that I'll get to meet them all. Which means that I should probably, um, start back up with those German lessons that I've been neglecting. I can just see Torsten's scowl as he reads this, since he's been bugging me about practicing German for months. (Hi, sweetie!)

The thing is--and I know this is going to sound spoiled and ungrateful--that it's kind of frustrating to have to spend so much time and money going to Germany.

Okay, I'll just give you a minute to peel your eyes out of the back of your head from where they rolled when you saw me complaining about how much my life sucks, because, geez, I have to travel to Europe all the time and oh, WOE IS ME.

Seriously, though. I totally recognize that it's hard for Torsten's parents (though not terribly hard for him) to be so far away. They feel alienated and he's not very good at keeping in touch on a regular basis. And my parents live much closer, so it's much easier for us to just drive down for the weekend to see them. And when we do see them, it's less stressful precisely because we get to see them more often so there isn't as much need there, or a feeling like we have to cram as much visiting as possible into the time that we're together.

But I don't get that much time off at work. Actually, I get a generous four weeks. But when we go to Germany, it's usually a full five or six vacation days, just for that trip. Add in random personal days plus time off at the holidays, and suddenly that's eaten up most of my vacation time for the year. Plus, we went to Germany for 10 days only a couple months after I'd started my new job, so I am basically playing catch-up with my vacation days--and this trip in April is going to set me back to zero. Which means no more vacations from April to November, when we go on our honeymoon.

(I know. I KNOW. The poor dear has to save up all her vacation days at work so she can go on her honeymoon with the love of her life! This post is a real tearjerker.)

But the thing is that while these visits to Germany are necessary, and in many ways enjoyable--they're not really vacations. They aren't time to relax. The last one, at least, was incredibly stressful, and not just because of the unfortunate events that occurred while we were there. Part of it is that I don't speak the language, and part of it is that his family is just very different from mine and so I don't feel relaxed there, and part of it is that his mother is just a very nervous person and visiting her is about meeting her needs more than our own, so the trip isn't a break for us.

And also, plane tickets to Europe are expensive--this trip is going to cost us over $1,000 in plane tickets alone. And yeah, we're lucky that we have an affordable apartment and good jobs and the discretionary income to pay that money, but we aren't exactly rich and there are a lot of things we need to be saving for, like retirement and a down payment and all the rest. And because Germany is so far away, the trips are always long, because otherwise we'd spend more time traveling than we would actually at our destination.

And it makes me a little resentful to be spending so much, both in money and vacation days, to travel so far when we would both much prefer to be somewhere much closer to home and less expensive, just spending time together.

Lest I sound too spoiled, let's focus on the silver lining for a bit: I have an amazing fiancé to whom I can talk about anything, including this. It's not like this post will come as a shock to him, because he already knows that I struggle with these issues. And he's incredibly supportive and understanding about it. And for that, I am extremely lucky.

Mother-in-law redux

So. We're back from Germany. The plane touched down in DC at about 7:15 last night, and we arrived at our apartment at about 10:30. The three hours in the interim were spent waiting for a tram to take us from our arrival gate to customs, waiting in two separate, very long customs lines (and yes, it so so sucks that we have to go through separate customs lines), waiting for the bus to take us to the Metro, riding the bus to the Metro, taking the Metro and changing lines and waiting a very long time for both trains, then dragging our three suitcases up the street to our apartment. Oh, and it probably took me about ten minutes to wrench our mail out of the mailbox, because it was beyond full and close to turning into a black hole.

But. We are back. Thank god.

Not that the trip was bad, because it wasn't. It was fun, it was interesting, and it was necessary. But oh my god, was it ever not relaxing. Torsten and I are both seriously looking forward to heading down to my parents' for Thanksgiving later this week and spending four days collapsed at their house, recovering from our vacation. My god.

It wasn't really any one thing, except obviously Torsten's dad's fall and subsequent surgery (which went well) and hospital stay (which should be over in a day or two). His mom was so stressed about the whole thing, and she is the type to get really easily stressed out anyway. Nothing with her ever gets done easily. There must always be huge discussion and dithering and repeated questioning, whether it's about what she'll order in a restaurant or whether her husband really needs knee surgery. It takes five minutes just to say goodnight to her, because she'll keep remembering things that she wants to say or ask. At least, that's what I think, but since I don't really understand German, I can't be sure.

It all just felt so noisy. There was always talk and chatter and the TV or the radio on in the background and it was just so different from my family environment that it was really surprising to me. It did help me get a much better understanding of where Torsten comes from, which I appreciate, but wow. It was just so much.

And also, we spent two days at the North Sea just the two of us, and then two days in Cologne visiting Torsten's best friend and his wife, who flew in from England especially to see us. His mother encouraged us to do all this, and yet when we got back, she was furious about how much time we had spent away from her, and what an ungrateful son Torsten was, and what a bad influence I was. And she was passive-aggressive about it, which is so frustrating. Even I could tell she was being passive-aggressive, just from her tone and gestures, and I don't even speak the bloody language.

The weird thing is that his mother is truly a nice person. She means well, and she truly cares about Torsten, and she took great care of us and cooked good food and was generally friendly and open. She's just so much to handle, and such a shock to my system. She's a shock to Torsten's system, too, and he's been dealing with her for 30 years.

I even ended up having a meltdown on Saturday night, which normally never happens to me--we had gone to an Italian restaurant, just Torsten and me (because his mother doesn't eat dinner and doesn't understand why other people do, and his father was in the hospital), and I had ordered one dish and received another, and hadn't realized it until it was too late to do anything about it. And then I got ridiculously, uncharacteristically upset over it, even though I knew it was totally tiny and inconsequential, and ended up crying in the middle of the street, like really crying hard, over some stupid spaghetti but really over how stressful everything was and how frustrating it is and how much I so totally did not want to listen to everyone crying and being all tragic when they said goodbye to us the next day.

And speaking of saying goodbye and crying, remember what happened last time Torsten's mother said goodbye to him? How she told him he could always come home when things didn't work out? Yeah, that's right. She said the same thing again this time, that he was always welcome to come home anytime he needed. Apparently it wasn't quite as direct as last time, and he doesn't think that she meant it to be anything against me, but she still said "you," and unlike in English where "you" can be singular or plural, she used du, which is exclusively singular. Just him. Not me.

Torsten and I discussed it in the plane, and we think the problem is that she just doesn't make me feel like part of the family. And we know part of that is the language barrier, and the distance, and the fact that Torsten has never been as close with his family as I am with mine. But his mother just doesn't view us as a unit. You would think she would, because she had (and has) the exact same problem with her mother when she married Torsten's father. But she doesn't, and it's so clear to me that she doesn't, and it makes me feel like such an outsider.

So it wasn't a relaxing trip. But it was so nice to go to the North Sea, and so so nice to finally meet Torsten's best friend, who will be the best man at our wedding, and also great to see where he grew up and what his house was like. And the nice thing about being with someone you love is that you can never really have a bad time, even if your so-called vacation is stressful, because I never have a bad time with Torsten, ever.

But still. Thanksgiving cannot arrive soon enough.