Winter 2.0: New and improved!

Last winter was tough. Annika had just turned one. Callum was turning four, and four has been, for us, the most challenging age so far. Torsten was working long hours at his (then new-ish) job. I was also working full time and balancing the primary parenting role as we figured out a new work-life balance with our jobs. I don't get seasonal moodiness or SAD or anything, and I actually like Colorado winters, but two little kids cooped up indoors was hard to manage, especially when one was so little and not really independent. As a result, 2015 was the first year where I had a really strong reaction to the onset of summer, after never caring much about the seasons before (I mean, I LIKE seasons, and I enjoy them changing, but the seasons never had such a direct impact on my daily life before).

But yeah, winter was hard. Finishing work and trying to cook a decent dinner for the family without any childcare, while Torsten was still at work, with a four-year-old in a challenging phase and a clingy one-year-old who wasn't yet super independent and needed a fair bit of supervision was just... draining. (As illustrated here.) There was a lot of painful multi-tasking, and dealing with whining and protesting and demands while either letting the dinner boil over or forcing the kids to wait, and there were a lot of messes and a lot of loud indoor horseplay and just... it was wearing.

And then summer came, and it was lovely, and I really actively enjoyed the outdoors and sunlight components of it, and then when it started getting cold again I thought, shit. Here it comes, another winter of being cooped up inside and stretched too thin and dealing with restless, whiny kids. It was the first time that I've really dreaded winter, flashing back to what it was like the previous year.

But! Newsflash: A two- and five-year-old are very different from a one- and four-year-old. VERY different. And this winter, I mean of course it's not over yet but in mid-January and multiple large snowstorms in I'd say we're solidly entrenched in the middle of it, but it has been TOTALLY different, and SO MUCH BETTER.

Two-year-old Annika isn't attached like a barnacle to her mother's leg! (Almost) five-year-old Callum isn't nearly as whiny and combative! Two- and five-year-old Annika and Callum play together independently, and don't require constant supervision! Two- and five-year-old Annika and Callum are learning how to clean up their own messes (albeit usually with some prompting), so turning around after being absorbed in cooking dinner to discover allllll their toys on the floor no longer creates quite the same heart-sinking feeling of doom that it did last year! Two- and five-year-old Annika and Callum can talk to each other, and make up games, and truly interact and enjoy each other! Two-year-old Annika adores five-year-old Callum like nothing else, and will do anything to keep up with him! Five-year-old Callum is a sweet and careful big brother who wants to help two-year-old Annika with everything!

YOU GUYS IT IS SO GREAT. I mean, it isn't perfect. They argue over toys and Annika sometimes hits (though only Callum, not her classmates at school) when she's frustrated (example from the other day: Annika hit Callum. I asked her to apologize and she did. Callum said "it's NOT okay." Annika yelled, "YES IT IS OKAY" and hit him again in a rage over his lack of acceptance of her apology. Aaaaand scene). Callum is a little less tolerant of Annika's shenanigans than he used to be, and will sometimes retaliate. It's not all sun-dappled fields of sibling adoration over here.

But it's so GREAT, still. Generally our philosophy is to let them sort their stuff out on their own as much as possible, and if we do have to step in, to redirect them back toward each other to figure it out together as much as possible, and you know, I wouldn't have even thought that would really be possible with a just-turned-two-year-old, but at least with Annika, it totally is, and it's amazing to watch how well they can usually navigate their little hills and valleys themselves. And now I finish work and I cook dinner mostly in peace. And the kids can reach the toys themselves and don't have to constantly ask for help, and I can trust that they aren't going to grievously injure themselves or destroy the house. And the horseplay is still there, but they both love it and nobody has broken a bone or needed a stitch yet (KNOCK ON WOOD) so it doesn't have the same fraught, chaotic feeling to it that it did last year. They are still LOUD and I wouldn't exactly love to try to get WORK done where I have to read and focus and be creative while they're around, amusing themselves, but something like cooking? Or straightening up? Or other household stuff? I can TOTALLY do that. There are no more barnacles in this house, and it's such a good thing.

I guess in some ways it's poignant... I mean, Annika moved into a big girl room this summer and we converted our former nursery back into Torsten's office and that was very much the end of an era, and there are no more baby toys and containment devices and no more bottles or cribs and a lot fewer cuddles, frankly, unless someone's sick, and you know what? Those things were delightful, they were, I truly enjoyed the baby phase (though I don't think Torsten would say the same about himself), but where we are now is even better, so I don't feel wistful for what's gone. I just love how much simpler and easier and RIGHT things are now, and the fact that they will continue to get even more so (like, say, when whatever weird sleep regression that Annika is currently undergoing ends, PLEASE LET THAT BE TONIGHT). It just feels... like this is why we did this, this is where we are, with the four-person family we wanted, and the associated dynamics we were hoping for.

We are so lucky. And I can enjoy winter again.

Kindness and giftedness and schools

One of the things that has really come to the forefront of our minds as parents during this whole school research and selection process has been what our priorities are for our kids and how we raise them. That, to me, is honestly what a lot of this school stuff has boiled down to. As we've thought through this process, the question hasn't just been "where can Callum (and eventually Annika) find the academic rigor we need?" In fact, that hasn't been the question at all. For us, the question has been "where can we find a school that will nurture our kids holistically, help them grow and collaborate and learn from others, and foster a spirit of kindness and community?"

Of course we care about academics, but honestly, I feel comfortable that any solid school can provide those, and we are lucky to have multiple solid school options available to us. Torsten and I were both gifted as kids, and we both spent our fair share of school time sitting around waiting for others to catch up. It's too soon to tell, with our kids not quite 2 and 5 yet, whether they will also be classified as gifted. So far we have heard from each of their preschool teachers that both kids appear relatively advanced, so although they are too young to label as gifted, we currently have no concerns about their general ability to thrive academically in pretty much any decent school environment. So truly, what we are looking for is (excuse the buzzword) a whole child education. And we feel that we've found that in Callum's school, and are deeply happy with our choice, and are very hopeful that he will be able to remain at that school throughout elementary, and that Annika will be able to attend there as well.

Because here is the thing about schools: even if our kids turn out to be gifted, I am not really worried about them being challenged with difficult enough material (granted, they are still very young so I may change my tune about this down the road). But I strongly believe that "gifted" in the sense of academically talented and/or high IQ is just one way for kids, and all people, to offer things to the world. Kids who might be more middle of the pack, or even behind, academically, have just as much to offer to the school, to the class, to their peers as everyone else. I don't want my kids to be bored in school, but I want them learning the value of collaboration, and considering diverse perspectives, and understanding that even if schoolwork is easier for them than it is for some of their peers, their peers still have thoughts and opinions and ideas that they didn't have, and that maybe the very fact of school being more challenging for some kids actually enhances their ability to contribute in certain ways, because they are learning from their experiences, and every child's school experience is unique, even among kids in the same class.

So, if my kids are gifted and fly through their schoolwork and need to be challenged? Fine. I want a school that will challenge them by encouraging them to collaborate, and look elsewhere, and work harder, and revise, and keep trying, and consider new ideas. I want them to be encouraged to spend any leftover academic energy on thinking critically, and growing as a person, and caring about their friends and classmates, and investing in their little community. I want them in a community of diverse people and I want them learning how to work and play with all different kinds of people. You know, kind of like adult life.

So, for me: I don't care if my kids are academic standouts who test well and are known as smart. I don't care if they are the class president or the star of the debate team or the star of the football team (actually that's a lie, I DO care because they will not be allowed to play football, sorry, but you get the point).

What I do care about is kindness. That is my top priority to teach my kids. And I LOVE Callum's school (and Annika's, which also has this DOWN, and which isn't the point of this post just because I'm thinking long-term here and her school is preschool-only) because the educational model is ALL ABOUT teaching kids the value inherent in each person, and teaching them how to collaborate and learn from each other, and I feel like those are the sources from which innate kindness grows. There's no superiority conveyed to kids who have an easier time with academics or are considered gifted, there's no glorifying or separating out for accomplishments. There's a focus on effort and feedback and sharing and considering multiple viewpoints. And I believe that is how you teach kindness.

Callum's class this year is also much bigger than it was last year (15 kids compared to last year's 5 kids), and I've been impressed at the opportunities that this social structure has provided for teaching kindness. For example, the very first week of school Callum made a friend, let's call him Howie. For the whole first week all we ever heard from Callum was Howie this and Howie that and Howie is his best friend and he and Howie played superheroes together and Howie Howie Howie everything. Then, in the second week of school Callum made another friend, let's call him Davey. At first Callum said that Davey was his "second best friend" but very quickly we started hearing more and more about Davey and not quite as much about Howie.

Then, one day on the ride home from school I was asking Callum about his day and he told me that he and Davey had played together but they hadn't let Howie join, even though Howie wanted to play with them. He told me that Howie was sad and didn't have anyone to play with and that he and Davey didn't care. Then, he added that if Howie came over for a playdate that weekend as planned, he (Callum) would lock the door and not let him in, and wouldn't share with him or play with him at all.

Seriously, my heart almost broke. These kids are only four years old, and it's already so complicated! Also, not having been particularly popular in school myself, I think somehow I was much more steeled to deal with other kids being mean to my kids than mine being the mean ones. I felt so terrible for poor Howie being shut out, and so so sad that it was my kid making another one feel bad. The whole way home from school I talked to Callum about how it's OK not to be best friends with everyone, but about how it's all of our jobs to make sure that our friends feel included and have someone to play with, and how it's never OK to make someone feel sad or excluded. Every time I tried to explain this, he just interrupted to say that Howie wasn't his friend anymore and only Davey was his friend and how he didn't want to play with Howie anymore. By the time we got home, I was feeling super defeated and exhausted, like I was beating my head against a brick wall and not getting through to Callum at all about this value that is so very important to our family. Finally I just gave up and reminded Callum of how much fun he had had playing superheroes with Howie, and he brightened up and was like "Oh yeah, OK, Howie CAN come to our house for a playdate and we'll play superheroes!" and we all moved on. But I still walked away feeling like I had completely failed in teaching the kindness lesson to my kid in this instance.

BUT! The next morning on the way to school? Callum started talking independently about how that day he was going to play with Davey AND Howie, and the other kids at school too, and how he was going to be kind and make sure that everyone felt included so that nobody would be said. Honestly, I almost fell over. He had so CLEARLY been listening during our talk the day before, even while he was arguing and protesting and acting like it was all going over our head, and I could see that what I had said had stuck in his head and that he'd been thinking about it and was planning to act on it. And! He truly did. He came home that day and told me all about how he'd played with Davey and Howie and also Susan and Willa Jean, and had so much fun, and was so kind to all his friends. In the month since then, this problem hasn't arisen again. Callum, Davey, and Howie seem to be a little trio of friends, they play together regularly, and Callum also talks about playing with the other kids. He knows all of their names and things about them, and I have been really impressed at how well he has gotten to know them so quickly. He talks about who does what and who likes what and who does art and who brings lunch from home vs. eating the school lunch. I can see that he has been absorbing the lessons we've been trying to teach him, and that makes me feel so much better about those frustrating moments when it really does feel like I'm beating my head against a wall for no reason.

And--to bring it full circle--I love how this is the exact philosophy that Callum's teachers are working so hard to impress on the kids. They have the same approach, that you don't have to be best friends with everyone but that it's not OK to ever be unkind or exclusive, and they are very big into fostering collaboration and teamwork and encouraging everyone to provide feedback to everyone else to help them grow and improve their work. For example, they all did self-portraits and have gone through multiple iterations based on class feedback. They all share their work and discuss it together and offer ideas and suggestions to each other on how to build on early drafts. Obviously, at the preschool level we're not talking about rewriting essays, but I've been impressed at how they've applied this philosophy with age-appropriate activities. Here's Callum's first self-portrait iteration and his most recent version, created based on class collaboration sessions:

I guess in the end I'm just really grateful that we've found a school that makes me feel like I'm not going it alone in this, where I really feel like the principal and the teachers and the whole educational philosophy are working to support exactly the same priorities that I have for my own kids. That, to me, is much more important than academic rigor to promote giftedness. My kids are thriving, both of them, and learning in every way, and learning social skills and values that are exactly consistent with what we are trying to teach them at home. And THAT is exactly what we want in a school.

Bugged. Except Callum. Hmph.

I'm starting to think that Callum is... well, not quite immune, but generally very mildly affected... by stomach bugs. And also, I kind of hate him for it because I WANT THAT SUPERPOWER and I decidedly do NOT have it, and neither does Torsten, or, evidently, Annika.

We got a bug last year on the day after Annika's first birthday (SUCH A DELIGHT) and Callum did barf a couple times, but then was totally fine, while Annika barfed a lot more and then had gross diapers for DAYS, and Torsten and I were also flattened out, as were my parents and Liz and her family (THANKS FOR NOTHING, stomach bug that appears 12 hours after a birthday party!).

Annika was patient zero with this one, barfing many times in succession one evening last week. We kept her home from school the next day, but she seemed totally fine, had normal diapers, and was perfectly cheerful, so we started to wonder if maybe it was just a fluke? She barfed again the next day and again after school the day after that but I think that was just because she is sort of sensitive and barfy generally and her irritated stomach couldn't handle a) lactose (the first aftershock puke) or b) drinking milk right before a car ride (the second aftershock puke).

So... Annika barfed, then was more or less fine, then 72 hours passed, then we started thinking that it really HAD just been a fluke because 72 hours is a long window for nobody else to get sick, so we started thinking that maybe we were home free... and that was our fatal mistake, because RIGHT after we started thinking that, Torsten woke up in the middle of the night to barf. Then he was down for the count alllll day, while Callum and I were still fine. But then the middle of the next night... BAM. My turn! WOE. So much woe!

(Side note: I DO actually kind of prefer to get a stomach bug about once every year just to maintain some baseline level of immunity? Like, the first stomach bug we ever got, when Callum was a baby, was MISERABLE. Like, the only time in my life when I've ever seriously doubted our decision to have children, because it was so so terrible and NOTHING was worth that level of pain. The next stomach bug we got, about a year later, was also miserable but not QUITE as bad. And since then, we've gotten about one every 10-12 months and while they are always deeply unpleasant, nothing has ever matched anything like those first couple, and it is my working theory that it is because we have some level of immunity left that takes the edge off it. So, if that's the tradeoff, I would rather get one about that often just to maintain the immunity. However, that doesn't make it any more pleasant when it actually shows up. I have not yet learned the zen art of being like, "ah yes, we were due, this is really a good thing, so welcome, hellish gastroenteritis!")

Anyway, so, Callum remained almost totally fine the whole time. He did have a couple of very very mild symptoms, so mild that if the rest of us had not been afflicted I wouldn't have even thought twice about them, but that was IT. He was never miserable, he never barfed, he ate and slept and played normally, and all was well. We did keep him home from school on Monday out of an abundance of caution of not wanting him to infect his classmates (and also because Octonauts makes an excellent, if occasional, babysitter) but as he remained totally fine, he headed back to school yesterday.

The rest of us have now also recovered and are feeling totally normal again, but I'm still a little jealous of my own child for his seeming immunity to such a horrible disease. I keep reminding myself that maybe someday he'll have kids and this will be the most useful skill ever and his spouse will lie in bed moaning between barfs while thanking god for a husband who is impervious to stomach bugs and can handle the kids. So... maybe in thirty years? I'll stop shooting daggers at my kid with my eyes for his incredible luck.

Just, please please please let this once a year schedule stick. The thought of them coming more often than not is currently what's keeping me awake at night.

It's only preschool, and yet

I've briefly mentioned a couple times that Callum is changing schools this year, but I haven't gone into a lot of detail. I have a couple personal policies about where I draw the line as far as protecting my kids' privacy when writing about them online, and one of those lines is that I try not to share identifying details about exactly where they spend their time, which also means not sharing very specific details about their schools. That makes this topic hard to write about, and means that I can't go into a lot of detail about the exact reasoning of the decision, but I'm going to try to cover it anyway.

(I will also say that this was a very complicated decision for us with a lot of complex factors involved, and I am more than happy to discuss it in detail individually, so if you DO want to know more, feel free to reach out. I have also learned a lot about the Denver public school system, which has been very helpful.)

Anyway! The gist is that Callum attended a private preschool for the previous two school years. It was a small school with only a few kids in his class, and he had a wonderful teacher (the same for both years). The school was an obvious choice for us because it offered a particular educational element that was important to us personally, and it was always our plan to keep him there for his full three years of preschool, and then look elsewhere starting at kindergarten, because at that point the private school would just be too small (only a couple kids per grade in the whole school). The school could be frustrating to work with on the administrative side, as is common with small schools, but Callum loved his teacher (and so did we), he was happy and thriving at the school, and we really enjoyed the community.

And then in the middle of the year last year, we learned about a preschool program in a nearby public school, and decided to apply just to see if Callum might happen to get a spot. We put him into the Denver Public Schools lottery for a slot back in January and then kind of buried our heads in the sand and did not discuss the decision, figuring it was a waste of time until we found out if he got a slot (there is more demand for public preschool in Denver than there is supply, so a slot was far from guaranteed).

Then, in March, we were notified that Callum had indeed drawn a slot at the public school, and we had to make a decision. We did a bunch of research, including extensive observation and conversations with the principal and teachers at the public school, and ultimately decided that it seemed like a really great school that would suit Callum very well, even though it did not offer the particular educational element that was the draw for us at his previous, private preschool. There are a few public elementary schools in our area that seem really great, and we feel lucky to have the options that we do, but this school in particular really stood out to us for its approach to teaching and to community, and for the incredibly high quality of its teachers. It is not our neighborhood school, which means that if we want to keep him there next year, we will have to put him back into the lottery for kindergarten, because DPS does a fresh lottery at each "transition" year (kindergarten, sixth grade, and ninth grade). But as an existing student of this school, he will have priority in the lottery after all the neighborhood kids are placed, so he has a high chance of getting to stay there, which was a major reason why we decided to take the slot this year rather than waiting a year and trying again.

Deciding to change schools was hard! Callum's old preschool program was so small that we were worried about the effect on the school of losing a student, and we also loved his teacher there and hated to lose out on a year with her, plus we were concerned about losing the particular educational element (which we are trying to make up for on our own now, which I have faith that we can do but definitely creates a bit more of a challenge), and we loved the community and had lots of friends there, plus Callum was just so happy and relaxed at that school, so used to it, so familiar, it gave him a lot of confidence, and we felt bad shaking things up in that way. But, we knew it was the right decision, so we powered through the hard part and now the transition is more or less done. And we've been managing lots of playdates with his friends (and ours) from his old school, so hopefully we'll be able to maintain those connections despite the distance.

Callum has been nervous about the new school all summer, but back to school night helped, and on his first day he did great. He ran ahead of me into the building, showed me where his classroom was, looked through all the cubbies until he found the one with his name written on it, proudly hung up his backpack, and cheerfully said goodbye. When I picked him up after school, he was bubbling over with enthusiasm about how he liked his teachers and his classmates, he played with the dollhouse and the water table, he ate lunch in the cafeteria, he read books with his teachers, and he drew pictures of himself and Annika. When I asked him what his favorite thing was he said "everything!" and when I asked him if he was excited to go back the next day he shouted "yes!" So, seems like a good start. Yesterday was similarly easy, and today's drop-off as well... plus yesterday at pickup his teachers came over to tell me how great he is, how sweet and fun, and how much they love having him in the class, so that was really nice to hear. It's also been reassuring for me because the teachers have talked to me about very specific things about him and described his day in great detail, and it's easy to see that they are already getting to know him well after just two days, and that's lovely to see.

So overall, it's been a win! We will see how the rest of the year goes, but I have the deep-down conviction that we made the right choice, so hopefully that will help us get over any bumps in the road.

And here he is on his first day. My big, brave boy.

Newsflash: Reentry is hard

Hi! We're back from Germany! And actually have been for a few days now. The trip was amazing, and I will post all about it, with photos, and also potentially some thoughts about things that Germany does better and worse than the U.S., once I collect myself, but in the meantime, I'm here to say that hi! Jet lag with kids? SUCKS.

There's an eight-hour time difference between Denver and Germany, and eight hours is a LOT. The jet lag when we got to Germany was actually fine. The trip over was not easy (thanks primarily to Annika's plane barf habit), but both kids did end up sleeping 5-6 hours on the transatlantic flight, and I got a couple hours of sleep as well, so that was good. We landed in the morning, got to Torsten's parents' house at lunchtime, ate lunch, and then all four of us went for a four-hour nap. We set an alarm to not nap too long, woke up shortly before dinner time, powered through the evening, then went to bed at a normal time, got up the next morning, and were pretty much adjusted. This is the strategy we always use when we go to Europe, and it works very well for us.

Returning, though. Well. It's just harder from the start because the flight back is a daytime flight, so no sleep, and then we got home late (10:30 p.m.) and everyone was totally exhausted (Callum literally fell asleep on the floor of the airport waiting for an elevator) and we packed both kids off to bed and had high hopes that they would sleep late the next morning despite the time difference because they were just SO TIRED, having been awake for like 20 hours straight, but no dice.

Callum woke up screaming at 3 a.m. that first night back because we had put him to bed in his clothes and he wanted pajamas. He went right back to sleep, but not before his screaming woke Annika, who took forever to settle and then woke twice more over the next hour. She finally passed out for real at 4:30 a.m., only to be awakened again, and that time for the day, by Callum screaming at 6:45 a.m. These are kids who typically sleep til 8 or 8:30, so 6:45 is early, even before you calculate that it was only about nine hours of sleep for them (compared to their usual 12 hours at night) after being awake for WAY too long.

Torsten and I were both also exhausted from the long travel, our own jet lag, and the multiple overnight wakeups. That first day back was a total blur. We did end up putting both kids down for naps (Callum hasn't napped in over a year) and then having to wake them from dead stupors at 5 p.m. so that they would go to bed normally. Everyone was basically an exhausted zombie the whole day. You know how parents complain about the havoc that Daylight Saving Time wreaks? It was like that, times eight. BLARGH.

Things have been a little better since then... the overnight wakeups have stopped, thank goodness, though the kids have continued to wake up earlier than usually (around 7 most days, though one day at 6, and also, it's only Callum who's woken on his own and then awakened his sister and HEY CALLUM YOU ARE FOUR AND A HALF YEARS OLD PLEASE LEARN TO NOT SHOUT AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS THE SECOND YOUR EYES OPEN).

But the early wakeups and general disaster that is vacation reentry and trying to get back to a normal routine after two and a half weeks of doting grandparents and nonstop Mommy and Daddy time have just meant that we've all been off, and cranky, Callum especially. He's limit testing, overtired, and generally a barrel of laughs right now. Add to that that back to school is looming and he's feeling understandably anxious about his transition to a new school, and things are just... tiring around here right now.

But! Germany was wonderful, and the jet lag will pass eventually, and Torsten and I are legit excited about Callum's new school and I know that Callum will be too once he becomes familiar with it, and at least we're all sleeping through the night now.

So! You see why I need some time to collect myself. But I will! And then there will be photos and anecdotes and hey, I actually really love Germany. And I think we have a solid plan in place with my in-laws where we will visit them every other year and they will visit us at least that often as well, so at least it'll be two more years before we have to deal with this kind of jet lag again.

Swimming, and sibling relationships

Yesterday was the kids' first pool day of the season and it was lovely. The pool is pretty much the hardest place to get photos because, you know, it's best to have your phone out of harm's way where nobody can drip all over it or drop it in the pool, and then there's also the small matter of supervising two active children near a body of water, and, well, the net sum is that photos at the pool are not a thing that happen for us, at least not very often.

So! I don't have visual documentation, but it was delightful. Last summer pool season started when Annika was about seven months old, and we had one of these for her, which was great for an infant but obviously wouldn't be at all useful for her now. We purchased a Puddle Jumper for Callum last year on the recommendation of pretty much the entire Internet, and that was wonderful--I know some people say they aren't helpful in teaching a kid how to swim because they create a false sense of safety and buoyancy, but we actually noticed that it really helped Callum, not to mention that it's pretty much necessary to have a flotation device on each child at the pool if they outnumber the adults. They had Puddle Jumpers at Costco for cheap a month or two back so I snapped one up for Annika and it was great.

Both kids were delighted with the water, and surprisingly fearless. Annika loved the freedom of the Puddle Jumper, and got annoyed when anyone tried to so much as hold her hand in the water. They both wanted the pool toys. And Callum made a friend and spent the whole morning playing with her. He was falling all over himself to tell us about it later, how he made a friend and they jumped into the water off the steps together and they played with diving sticks together and when she was afraid to go underwater to get the stick he went under and got it for her to help her, and oh, my big boy. I mean of course he's been in daycare or preschool for 2.5 years now, he has lots of friends, he gets along with other kids, he's not shy around them, he chats with strange kids at the park, but something about this particular scenario, I don't know, it just kills me. Last summer at the pool he was too young for that kind of instant friendship. He would interact with the other kids a little, but he was more interested in playing on his own or with us, or jumping in or going down the water slide. This year he's such a big, independent KID, making friends with other kids and spending hours playing with them, wholly on their own.

Also, Annika was NOT happy about Callum's new friend--she wanted to play with him herself. That's an interesting new element of their relationship that she's not had to experience before--of course he goes off to preschool without her and she spends time at home without him sometimes, but she hasn't really been in a situation where he was playing with a kid her own age and she couldn't really keep up. Even when he's had friends over for play dates, she's either run around with them or just happily done her own thing. This was the first time where they were participating in the same activity but she was essentially excluded. That is a feeling that I remember well from my own childhood as a younger sibling--my sister having friends over and me wanting to hang out with them but not being allowed, and feeling very wrong-footed about having our usual dynamic interrupted. Not that I blame my sister, or Callum, for that--it's totally normal and within bounds to want to hang out with your friends without your pesky little sister tagging along--but it's just sort of trippy to see a similar scenario playing out with your own kids.

Also, weirdly, it gives me some faith in the balance of the relationship between Annika and Callum. This is something that deserves its own post, and it's one that I am working on finding the right language to articulate, but  in sum: they have a great relationship, truly, to a surprising level, and they care for each other and they play well together and they clearly love each other, but sometimes Annika comes across as a little more dominant, somehow. Just a little feistier, a little less laid back, a little more willing to railroad than he is. And I think that's a good way for the dynamic to play out, that the younger one, the one who doesn't innately have the power of being the cool older bigger funner one, is willing to assert herself, and the older one is gentle and thoughtful--I think that will be good for their relationship in the long run but it was nice to see that sometimes Callum can assert his will too.

All this from a single trip to the pool! But I guess that's really where these moments happen, all the little pieces that make up their childhood and their relationship. There will be lots more pool days for these two this summer... I'm excited for them all.

Bring on summer

Callum is out of school for the summer. We have summer childcare lined up, and it starts next week, so we've weathered the craziness that was this week of cobbled-together childcare to fill the gap between school and our summer plan. The freakishly cold weather we had for most of May has ended, and it's been in the 70s and 80s daily, with more of the same in the forecast. Our tickets to Germany for our summer trip are booked. Everyone has a full summer wardrobe in their current size, including swimsuits with long-sleeved rashguards (it's Colorado and our kids are very fair - we are extremely uptight about sun protection). We are ready to go.

We haven't planned any specific activities. No camps, no classes. We're taking a break from swim lessons for the summer because our gym doesn't offer them on Saturdays in the summer, and the kids will spend every day at the outdoor pool anyway. I remember that last summer Callum, despite wearing a Puddle Jumper at all times, made great strides with his swimming because he was getting so comfortable, so confident, willing to try new things like jumping in without someone catching him and going down the water slide. I'm hoping for more such gains from both kids this time around.

Annika's daycare runs into July--it's just two days a week, so those are days when Callum will get some one-on-one time with our nanny and get to do activities without his baby sister tagging along. I'm thinking things like riding the light rail to the children's museum, or the water park - all-day outings without the need to consider the baby's nap or haul along the stroller and diaper bag. And that still leaves three days a week for them to both be there and play together, which they both love.

Sadly, Torsten and I are using all our banked vacation time for the trip to Germany, which means it will be work as usual for the two of us the rest of the summer, but the glorious thing about summer is that, even if we can't spend every day at the pool with the kids, the evenings are warm and bright, the weekends are lovely, and we all get lots of outdoor time. All of us in this family are of the type who are just happier when we're outside. Not necessarily camping among the bugs using leaves as toilet paper - but slightly more urban outdoors, lounging on our nice patio chairs while our kids romp around the yard... THAT is totally our style. (Why am I suddenly get the feeling that glamping would be right up our alley? Except if it comes down to that I would really prefer to just straight-up stay in a five-star hotel. Alas, our vacation budget has been maxed out on this Germany trip, so there's no glamping OR Ritz-Carlton in our future.)

Now that we're coming out of the fog of the infant years, I'm starting to see why so many parents are so obsessed with the weather. Warmth and sun mean we aren't cooped up! We can leave the patio door open and the kids can romp in and out! Our kitchen window faces out onto the backyard, which is fully fenced and hazard-free, and that means that I can cook dinner while keeping an eye on the kids out the window and nobody is squawking at me or weeping for me to come play a game with them RIGHTTHISSECOND or or or.

Summer means sun and warmth and lazy evenings and everything just going a beat slower. It means no rushed morning routine because I'm not trying to get two kids out the door for school and daycare. It means less crankiness and simpler interactions and less stress. It just means a more relaxed feel to our days. It's really, surprisingly pleasant. I feel like the glaze of having a baby is lifting, and we're getting to a good place, and summer is really reinforcing that for me.

This is the first time I've had such a strong reaction to a season. Now: to work on enjoying it while it lasts instead of dreading the fact that in a few months it will be over. Sigh.

Preschooler behavior chart

Callum has always been an easy child, relatively speaking. He's a rule follower by nature and he's quite risk-averse. He's never been a climber or a huge tantrumer or a backtalker or any of the other things that would have me running to one-click that book about raising spirited children that I frequently see recommended. Not to say that he doesn't have his moments, and he definitely has a strong personality and independent opinions, but overall, compared to most of his peers, I would definitely say he's been on the compliant side for pretty much his whole life. Our parenting challenges with him have been of a different sort--encouraging him to try new things, reassuring him that it's OK to fail, helping him learn to focus on trying and effort rather than just results. His natural tendency is to do only things that he already knows he's good at - he likes good results and immediate gratification. That's just who he is as a kid.

That said, these last few months have definitely been a little more challenging with him. In some ways it feels like we're being paid back for what was a relatively easy experience with age three, like he's only just now experimenting with some of the limit-testing and self-assertion that one typically expects from a three-year-old, except it's combined with a four-year-old level of intelligence, verbal skills, and independence.

I don't want to give the impression that he's some kind of problem child, or that most of our time spent with him isn't delightful, because truly, he is lovely, and honestly I think he's probably still closer to the well-behaved side of the spectrum... just maybe not AS close as he was and as a result it feels like a shock to us. He is thoughtful, sensitive, clever, sweet, affectionate and loving, an incredibly kind big brother, surprisingly hilarious, and a lot of fun almost all the time. But in the last few months there's been a lot more protesting, arguing, whining, and crying. A lot of negotiating on his part, a lot of extended protesting when he doesn't get what he wants, and a lot of resulting frustration on our parts. This does not lead to me being the best version of myself as a parent, and I know Torsten feels the same way.

But the problem is that because he's always been so easy, I feel like we as parents are behind the curve, so to speak, on how to deal with these very typical, age-appropriate behaviors, because we were insulated from them for so long through sheer coincidence. It's kind of like sleep--both our kids have been excellent sleepers right off the bat, and we never did anything specific to get them to be that way, so not only can we not take credit for it, but on those occasions when they DO have a sleep issue, we're completely clueless about how to handle it.

ANYWAY, all this is a really long-winded way of saying that hey, I have had the unique and revelatory idea of using a behavior chart for my four-year-old! I will pause now to receive the accolades and requests for paid parenting consultations once you've all had a moment to absorb the breadth of my ground-breaking new suggestion.

In seriousness, though, it did feel like we were kind of unprepared for this stage (especially from those people who promised us that age four would be EASIER than age three, which apparently it is? For many kids? But so far, not ours, alas) and as a result, our parenting of these moments has been very reactive. Lots of making a request kindly and lovingly the first couple times... then escalating into frustration and snapping when he doesn't comply. Lots of off-the-cuff threats of loss of privileges without any real kind of thought or philosophy behind it. And that needs to change.

Enter the behavior chart. Again, I know this is something that many parents use, and it seems that's for good reason: they work for most kids. And for Callum, who has a personality that responds very well to praise and rewards, it seems like a no-brainer.

So! I did some reading up on behavior charts (particularly this, this, and this) and while the sources of some of those are either unknown to me or someone I don't always agree with (*coughDrSearscough* and don't even get me started on the Dr. Sears stance on vaccines), I found that reading those helped me sort of crystallize my thoughts on why we want a behavior chart and how we'd like to implement one. Basically, I feel like this will help us be more consistent about setting limits and interacting with Callum when he's being challenging, while also helping us maintain a focus on the positive (which he responds really well to, like most/all kids). A clear chart that we're all familiar with will help ensure that expectations are clear and give us an easy motivator to use, rather than us casting about in the moment for some kind of carrot or stick to get him to do what we need, which frankly, in ad hoc moments of frustration, winds up being a stick more often than it is a carrot, and that is not how we prefer to parent.

As far as implementing the chart, we came up with a list of seven target behaviors to start with. We're starting with a weekly chart where he can earn a smiley face sticker for each behavior each day, and if he achieves a certain number (five is the target at the moment, but can be adjusted if it proves unattainable)) of smileys in a day, he gets a bigger sticker at the bottom for that day. If he gets a certain number (again, five for now, but we'll see how it plays out) of bigger stickers in a week, he can pick a reward such as getting to watch an episode of a TV show on a weekday (usually a no-no at our house), getting to select a casual restaurant for a meal out, or a new Lego set. We will adjust the behaviors over time to keep on track with current problem areas and also keep the chart fresh, but the initial behaviors we're starting with are:

• Putting on and taking off own shirt (Callum has a weird THING about his shirt where he finds it annoying to deal with and therefore insists that he can't do it and we need to do it for him)
• No whining/crying
• Feed the dog without reminder
• Eat dinner (Ellyn Satter would probably not approve but Callum's disinterest in eating is at such a point that I don't even care - this is a whole separate topic that deserves its own post)
• Be kind (I'm envisioning that this is sort of a freebie category where if he does something notably great, we can reward him with a sticker--but it may also play out that he just starts demanding stickers in this category nonstop, in which case this one may require some adjusting)
• Play nicely with Annika (he always does this anyway--he's GREAT with her--but we wanted some easy ones on there and plus of course this is a behavior we want to reinforce)
• No arguing at bedtime

So! We've been doing it for half a week now, and of course the novelty factor is in our favor, but so far, it's AWESOME. The first day took some adjustment, but he's figured it out pretty quickly, and honestly, this whole weekend he behaved like a dream. The second morning with the chart I gave him his shirt to put on and he started to whine, "But I can't -" and then before I could even say anything, he stopped mid-sentence and corrected himself and said, "I CAN do it." AND THEN HE DID IT. He's been eagerly helpful all weekend, and talking about what a good listener he is and how he can be so kind and helpful. And the thing is, actually, that a lot of the stuff he did this weekend, a huge chunk of his overall behavior, was actually not connected to the chart. I feel like we basically hit reset and snapped all of us out of a bit of a cycle of negativity. I really feel like it's helped Torsten and me focus on the positive instead of getting frustrated, and Callum is responding really well to that.

It isn't perfect yet--for one, he's already outsmarted us--when I encouraged him to eat his dinner the other day and reminded him about the sticker for that, he said, "But I'm not going to get that sticker and I'll just get all the other stickers and then I'll still have enough!" So at some point there's going to have to be some tweaking. And of course the novelty factor will wear off and I'm sure there will be some backsliding into old habits. But for now, we're off to a great start.

I definitely want to hear if any of you have tried this before, what's worked, what hasn't, if you have any tips for making it successful and sustainable, how you picked the behaviors, what reward system you used, etc. I will report back with a status update once we're a bit further into this!

Big brother

Callum as a big brother is... well, it's really special. It is something. Mostly it is really amazing. My sweet big boy has become such a sweet big brother.

When we left for the hospital when I was in labor, it was the middle of the night so we didn't say goodbye to Callum, which was probably for the best as I think I would have melted down on the spot. She was born quickly, and Callum came to the hospital to meet her less than 12 hours after we had originally left the house. We had gotten a gift "from her" for him, a stuffed monkey that he has been very attached to ever since, and we had had him pick out a gift to give to her when she was born, a Skwish. So my in-laws brought him to the hospital to meet her and it went well. He was interested, we gave him lots of hugs and kisses, they exchanged gifts (so to speak), he asked questions about her, he touched her and tried to help her and seemed to like her. He was sad when it was time for him to leave with my in-laws again, but he got over it quickly and left happily enough.

We brought her home from the hospital the next day, and oh, that day was hard. Poor Callum. You could see that he was interested and eager and nervous, and that he was trying so hard, and that he was scared and confused and just... fragile. He cried easily. At one point that first day when she was lying in the swing, he came to me and said "baby sister has a pillow" and just burst into tears. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry over just pure emotion rather than anything concrete. I cried too, when it happened. And there were a few more incidents like that over those first days. He cried easily. He was concerned and scared. But he was also very interested. He wanted to hold her and help to feed her. He sat in front of the swing just watching her sleep. In fact, he kind of set up camp in front of the swing, bringing his toys and playing with them, but making sure he was right there next to her the whole time while she slept.

 

Things have gotten easier since then. Those first few weeks, there were grandparents staying with us, first Torsten's parents and then mine. That helped a lot. They played with him, focused on him, entertained him. There was always someone there to be just his. After the last visitors left at the end of November, he had to go through another adjustment period, where it was just Torsten and me and sometimes he couldn't get what he wanted, right when he wanted it. He has become clingier about me specifically and will get upset sometimes when Torsten does something for him that he wanted me to do. He definitely has had some moments of possessiveness and jealousy, telling me "put baby sister in the swing" or "Annika is NOT hungry" when he wants me to put her down and play with him. All normal transition stuff when a little kid gets a sibling.

But oh, he's so sweet. He's so protective of her, already. He likes to hug her and kiss her and he carefully does each of those things and tells her goodnight every night when he goes to bed. If she cries, he comes running, full of solutions. "Mommy, I think baby sister is hungry. Pick her up, mommy. She's not sleeping anymore." He asks about her when he doesn't see her. He talks about her and points out her "little tiny hands" and "little tiny ears." He asks to help feed her and hold her, and likes to help during diaper changes by handing me diapers and wipes. He likes to stroke her head, and has gotten pretty good about being gentle. He brings toys for her and asks me to use them to play with her. He tells me that right now she is too little to walk and talk, but soon she will get bigger and then she'll be able to do those things with him. He talks to her, telling her things that we don't always even manage to hear.

So yeah. It's definitely been a transition for him, and it's had its rough moments, but oh, my sweet boy. I can see already what a good big brother he is. And he seems to be adjusting pretty well. I'm so excited to see this sibling relationship develop as they both get older. Annika is so lucky to have such an amazing brother. I'm so excited to see her grow into her little sister role too. My KIDS. I'm so glad they have each other.

Breastfeeding, this time

Those of you who've been following me since Callum was a baby will remember that breastfeeding didn't go so well with him. I had a seriously, seriously low supply, so even though I breastfed him for four months, until he weaned himself, he had formula from when he was one day old, and quite a bit of it.

I knew it would happen again with Annika. The reason I knew this is that while for many women, low milk supply is a murky, unexplained thing that can change with each baby, in my case there was a clear reason for it--lack of glandular tissue in my breasts. I read some things between pregnancies about Metformin (a mild drug typically taken for diabetes) possibly helping that situation, and so after consulting with my endocrinologist, my lactation consultant, and my midwives, I did start taking that, but when, like last time, I had zero breast changes during my pregnancy with Annika, it seemed pretty clear that I would have supply issues again. And I have.

The nice thing is that this time? I don't care. I truly, honestly, do not care. With Callum I remember all sorts of crazy feelings about the whole thing. When we were in the hospital still and he was one day old and jaundiced and not peeing and the doctor recommended formula and it was four a.m. and Torsten was at home sleeping, I felt like I couldn't give the baby formula because I would be poisoning him, basically, without my husband's consent. I sobbed. I tried so hard to wean him off the formula once we were home, only to see his weight plummet and my supply remain low. I felt like I was letting him down, failing to perform the basic function required of me as his mom--to produce good nutrition for him. I felt like I was letting Torsten down too, and costing us lots of money and hassle. I felt like a failure.

This time? None of that. From the very start, none. Breastfeeding actually started better this time--if I hadn't been through it before, I wouldn't have suspected that anything was up until a few days after Annika was born. I had colostrum, she nursed happily from the start, she wasn't jaundiced, her blood sugar held steady, she had multiple wet diapers, and she lost about 6% of her body weight in the hospital, which is on the high end of the normal range, so still acceptable. My milk came in when she was 2 or 3 days old--but like with Callum, I could barely tell. No engorgement, no pain, no let-down, only the tiniest bit of leaking. So we've been giving her formula since she was two days old. And it's working really well for us.

When she was four days old I went back to my amazing lactation consultant just to kind of discuss everything. I brought her there hungry and she had a great nursing session--latched beautifully, nursed 10+ minutes per side, sucked happily, looked perfect. Even though she knew my history of low supply, the LC was still shocked when Annika's after-nursing weight was exactly the same as her before-nursing weight, meaning she had transferred very little milk--just enough to keep her from actually losing weight from the exertion of feeding. Well under an ounce. I left with a plan to continue nursing her and giving her bottles after, and the knowledge that I was doing everything I could to breastfeed her as much as possible, and that she was thriving, and that our plan of giving her formula was the right one. When I spoke with the LC a few days later and told her how much formula Annika was eating each day (at that time, age one week, it was about 19-20 ounces per day), she was thrilled and said that meant that she is getting probably 5-7 ounces of breastmilk per day, a theory which is corroborated by the amount of breastmilk we see in her poops. So she is getting something. But she is now, at age 6.5 weeks, up to taking somewhere around 25 ounces of formula most days. And she's gaining weight perfectly--tracking beautifully on a percentile curve in the upper 70s.

Honestly? I should probably not say this here in this world of exclusive breastfeeding, but I'm legitimately glad that it worked out this way. Yes, if I had a full milk supply and breastfeeding had turned out to be easy and awesome, that would have been great, but I like the set-up we have. I have read a ton of primary literature about the health impact of formula vs. breastmilk, and I have come out of it absolutely comfortable with formula from a health perspective. I have zero concerns about it whatsoever. I like that we are able to nurse (especially since the literature seems to be concluding more and more that a huge benefit of breastfeeding comes not from the breastmilk, but from the act of nursing), but I like the way formula feeding fits into our lives. Our baby is healthy and growing. We are all sleeping. Torsten is an involved parent. I'm able to leave the house on my own if necessary. I'm not panicking about what's going to happen when I go back to work. I like that we know, truly KNOW, that we are doing what's right for our baby and our family. I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel like I'm letting anyone down. I don't wish it had turned out differently. I don't feel like it's second best. It's not that I've come to terms with this set-up; it's that I am actively glad that this is the way it worked out for us.

And Annika seems to be doing pretty well with the whole thing too:

She's here!

And she is amazing.

Annika Lila

Saturday, November 2, 2013 at 4:53 a.m.

8 pounds, 6 ounces - 20.5 inches long

1984

We recently bought an IP cam for Callum's room to replace our dying (and crappy) video monitor. It's awesome in a ton of ways. In fact, we had wanted one when we originally got the video monitor, but at the time we didn't have iPhones or iPads and we wanted something portable, not something that required a laptop to check, so we went with the traditional monitor.

(My, how things have changed in just two years, huh?)

Anyway, the IP cam is amazing. It has awesome resolution. We can see when his eyes are open at night. We can see exactly where he is and what he is doing. It's just so much clearer than the video monitor, and therefore much more useful.

The video monitor--for us--wasn't really necessary when Callum was a baby. He was just a lump and there was nothing to see. But now that he's a toddler, it's incredibly useful. Especially now that he's not sleeping in a crib anymore and can get out of bed on his own, it's extremely helpful to be able to see what he's doing.

Which leads me to my next point... we are basically spying on him. Which we always have been doing, but it feels like more, somehow, because a) we can see a lot better, and b) he's older and has a bit more autonomy. I mean, it's not like he's doing private things that we shouldn't be watching. But it feels more invasive now than it did a year ago.

The biggest thing, though, that really makes me feel like Big Brother is that we can talk to him over the camera, and as far as I can tell, he thinks that the Voice that Issues Forth is some sort of Omniscient Being that Must Be Obeyed.

Which is great. GREAT. When he hops out of bed at naptime and romps around the room, we can get on the mic and tell him to get in bed and go to sleep... AND HE DOES. If we went to his room to tell him that, we would get nowhere. But over the camera? IMMEDIATE OBEDIENCE. It's a little scary, really.

Also, at first only Torsten talked over the camera mic, and then one time he wasn't there and I did it and Callum burst into tears. He obeyed and lay down in bed, but he was crying for Mommy. So I got on the mic again and told him that everything was OK and he didn't need to cry. And he stopped. And went to sleep. For two hours. It was magical.

BUT when I went into his room to get him up after his nap, the SECOND I cracked open the door to the room he pointed right at the camera and said "Woman! Woman not sleeping!"

So it clearly made an impression, is my point. And also, he definitely doesn't seem to understand that the voices coming over the mic are Mommy and Daddy and not some scary third-party observer/authority. Which seems to work in our favor, as far as getting him to do things that we would like him to do, like stop throwing a party and go to sleep. But it makes me feel bad! The poor kid! He seriously must feel like he's living in 1984. I actually tried to explain to him that it's just Mommy and Daddy talking to him, but I don't think he quite grasped that.

So! Effective parenting technique, apparently, but also maybe a little cruel? But it's not like I'm going to stop using it. Though that brings me to another question... when DO we stop using it? Not just the mic but the whole camera? I can only assume that over the next year or two, it will become even more interesting and useful to watch him on the camera. But at some point he WILL need privacy, or at least the awareness that he has a space to himself that isn't being monitored. And I'm starting to think that it may not be immediately obvious to us when we've reached that point.

What about you? People who use video monitors, when are you planning to stop? (Or when did you stop, if your kids are a little older?)

Daycare beginnings

So, as I mentioned, this week Callum started two-day-a-week daycare. Our whole childcare situation has shifted pretty drastically from the nanny share that we started last summer, but I think it's a positive change. We plan to start Callum in preschool in the fall, and while we loved the convenience of having a nanny for us, and loved the German-speaking aspect of it for Callum, as he got older we started to feel like he might benefit from a bit more of a structured environment with a large group for socialization in a somewhat less formal setting (compared to preschool) before we just dropped him unawares into a preschool. And, we found this amazing nanny who is American but lived in Germany for almost 20 years and speaks perfect German who was available part-time. So, the wheels started to turn and we decided to attempt to capture the best of both worlds and have the nanny come three days a week and send Callum to daycare the other two.

We had a couple false starts with finding a daycare, but now we've found one that we feel good about, and the transition seems to be going mostly OK. The first day was great--Callum didn't even cry at dropoff, and the teachers said he did really well all day (including a two-hour nap) and went on about how sweet and gregarious he is. He did burst into tears when I arrived to pick him up, which I was expecting because he always does that when I leave for awhile... holds it together the whole time I'm gone and then melts down as soon as I get back. But he only cried for a minute and was not at all in a rush to get out of the school... he kept lingering and watching the other kids gather for circle time, and then when we were about to walk out of the classroom the teacher asked the kids to take off their coats so Callum took his off too. Ha.

Yesterday was his second day and it was a little rougher. He didn't cry when we got to the daycare, but he did cry when I left, and when I called to check in at 12:30 I was told that he was having a bit of a fussy day and had eaten almost no lunch. He did nap, apparently, and did somewhat better after, but still when I came to pick him up pretty much everyone I bumped into at the school mentioned that he had had somewhat of a rough day. And of course he again burst into tears when he saw me at pick-up. But, again, he recovered quickly and wasn't in a rush to leave, and even blew the teacher a kiss goodbye when we left. And everyone at the daycare assured me that the second day is usually the worst, which is what I was expecting as well because he knew what was going on and that I wasn't going to reappear at any minute.

So! Overall, I'd say it's been relatively successful so far, all things considered, although Callum might not agree. And our new part-time nanny has been great, extremely engaged and Callum really likes her. Plus we managed to be smart enough to not roll out a double transition at once, so we had the new nanny come a few times before we left for Germany so that Callum would get used to her, and that seems to have worked out great, because now he's not confused and upset when different things happen different days and it's all new and different. So yes, pat on the back to us for thinking ahead in that regard.

And, our previous nanny has a new full-time job with a family that seems nice, and the little girl we were nanny-sharing with is also in a daycare situation that her family is pleased with, so it seems like so far all of this has worked out pretty well. And even though the transition time with daycare has been a little tough for Callum, seeing his excitement about the other kids and his interest in the classroom setting and activities and his seeming liking of his teachers already tells me that this was the right decision for him. I can already see him thriving, and that was the point of this whole shake-up.

It's been interesting, because when he was a baby we thought we wanted a nanny until he started preschool, and as he got older we started realizing that a nanny situation wasn't necessarily the best thing to meet his needs, even though it was super convenient for us since we both work from home. Just another example of how things change as a parent and you have to constantly reevaluate and evolve with your kid. So. New things, busy things, tough things, but good things all around.

All that's left now is to wait for the daycare germs to infiltrate our home...

Toddler eating battles

Callum was a great eater until he hit about 13 months old. He ate everything: fruit, meat, cheese, vegetables, grains. If we put it on his high chair tray, he would stuff it in his mouth. See?



Side note: when looking for that photo, I found this photo, and then I died:



Back on topic: I don't remember exactly when it changed. I remember when we went to PJs@TJ's, he borrowed Penny's high chair and ate a bunch of foods that he'd never tried before--but I remember also that he threw some of it on the floor, which was new behavior at the time. So I'm pretty sure it started sometime around then.

He spent the next few months eating... pretty much nothing except the occasional carb. By March, when Elizabeth came to visit, he was in full-on not eating mode. It was specifically frustrating since Hannah is such a fantastic eater. We watched her stuff her face with chicken and lima beans while Callum threw literally every single food item we offered him directly on the floor.

For awhile we tried offering him a million food items in a row. If he threw one thing on the floor we'd be there with the next. We tried ignoring, scolding, keeping the dog out of the room during meals, reacting, not reacting. We tried water during meals and no water during meals. We tried offering a million options and only offering one option. We tried feeding him and letting him feed himself. He just. Did not. Want. To eat.

So... we gave up the battle. I did some research and embraced the following philosophy: eat it, don't eat it, don't talk about it. In other words, as his parents, we can control when he eats and what he eats. He can control whether he eats and how much he eats. And I was not interested in making it into a stressful battle. So, we started just putting him in his high chair at meals, giving him some of whatever we were eating, and then he could do what he wanted with it. We wouldn't give him much, because what he usually wanted to do was throw the food on the floor. And when he did that, we didn't react in any way. We kept the dog out of the room so she couldn't react either. And when mealtime was done, it was done. No other food, no milk, nothing. Just, he ate or he didn't eat and then the meal was over.

We were lucky that he is so big--we didn't have to worry about him failing to thrive or anything. In fact, while he wasn't gaining much weight he was growing length-wise, quite quickly. But I didn't really see a correlation between his eating habits and his weight gain. He tapered off significantly by 7 months, and by 9 months even more so. In fact, in the year since then, he has only gained maybe 3-4 pounds, but he's grown about six inches.

Eventually his eating habits improved somewhat. I couldn't name a date when it happened, so it must have been a gradual thing. It helped that he now always eats with a spoon or a fork--he seems to like that much more than eating with his hands. He still has a strong preference for carbs, and will consistently eat quinoa, pasta, rice, bread. We've found ways to incorporate fat and protein into those--quesadillas with cheese, bread with hummus or peanut butter, etc. He is a big fan of yogurt. Sometimes he'll eat bananas and not other times. He almost always picks the vegetables out of his food and hands them to us while saying "all done." He does love those pouches of pureed fruits and veggies, and they are so outrageously expensive that we don't give them to him often, but sadly he won't eat purees on a spoon or in any other format. I think basically he just likes to drink a lot more than he likes to eat and the pouches feel like drinking to him. (And no he doesn't like smoothies in a sippy cup, sadly.)

One thing he does like is soup. I have discovered that we can get him to eat almost anything if it's in soup form, including solid chunks of meat and vegetables. Of course the one food that he can't feed himself is the one he likes most of all, but I'm not complaining. (Really it's probably the salt that attracts him, but I'm trying not to complain about that either especially as his diet is generally minimally processed and low in sodium.) But if we're ever at a restaurant and one of us has soup, he will say that he's all done with his own food (even if it's mac and cheese, his usual favorite) and practically dive out of his high chair trying to get our soup while saying, "This? Soup? THIS? SOUP?" repeatedly until we start feeding him spoonfuls of it.

So! I guess I'm on the hunt for soup recipes, is my point. And maybe also someone with the patience for spoon-feeding a nearly-two-year-old. Or maybe I should just blend up chunky soups and put them in a sippy cup for him to deal with on his own.

Generally, though, even though he's not a super avid eater, things have improved immensely. And I think a huge part of it is our hands-off philosophy. It might not have gotten him to eat better, at least not right away, but it DID save our sanity, and that's equally important. At least when your one-year-old is over 30 pounds.

What about you guys? Have you had issues getting your toddlers to eat? Any tips, tricks, approaches, foods that worked especially well? Or things that didn't work at all?

The origins of the Man Cold

Callum has bronchiolitis for the second time. This case seems worse than the previous case, because that time it took me ages to figure out that he might have something more serious than a cold, and even when I did bring him to the pediatrician, I and the nurses still thought that it might be nothing.

But this time, when he started wheezing, I could tell immediately. He had a cold for a few days, just run-of-the-mill, and then Monday night, shortly after we returned home from North Carolina, he started whistling when he breathed. We put him to bed and instead of sleeping through the night like usual, he woke screaming at 2:30 a.m., and then starting at 4 a.m. he woke up wailing every half hour for the rest of the night. There was nothing we could really do for him, other than try ibuprofen in case his ears or throat were bothering him (spoiler alert: they weren't, and the ibuprofen didn't help at all). Then when he woke up we saw that he was really working hard to breathe. He was grunting with every breath and his stomach was caving in as he breathed (which I have since learned is called retracting). He was also still whistling and rasping as he breathed. I called the pediatrician on the dot of 8 and hustled him in for a sick visit later that morning.

I felt good about how I handled the situation this time. I immediately recognized that he was wheezing, compared to last time where the pediatrician had to show me the stomach retractions to point out that he was wheezing (though the wheezing was much, much more subtle last time, and pretty much nobody could have missed it this time). I didn't panic and I wasn't really worried, but I knew he needed care right away. I double-checked our nebulizer to make sure we hadn't lost any parts before we went in, in case I needed to ask for replacements at the doctor's office. We knew what to do to try to help until we could get him to the doctor, putting a humidifier in his room and encouraging fluid intake and generally soothing and cuddling and trying to help him relax. Seeing how hard he was working to breathe made me feel really sorry for him, and sorry that I couldn't help him more, but I wasn't freaking out or anything, because I knew as soon as he could get a breathing treatment he would feel much better.

The doctor was great. We brought him in and his pulse ox was low (mid-80s) and the doctor came right in and listened to him wheeze and grunt and watched his stomach and checked his lungs with the stethoscope and told me that he was in respiratory distress and needed albuterol right then, and that if he didn't respond to the albuterol or if his pulse ox went any lower we would need to take him to the hospital for oxygen. So, you know, nobody wants to hear a doctor suggest that their kid might need to go to the hospital, but even then it was just for oxygen, you know? It wasn't like he required immediate life-saving care.

Anyway, I figured we would have to do an in-office nebulizer treatment like we did the previous time, but instead the doctor went and got an inhaler! With a canister attached and a face mask attached to that so that the meds would only come out when Callum actually breathed in. And I held him down and pinned his arms and he screamed and thrashed and the doctor gave him four good puffs of the albuterol and held the mask over his face until he stopped holding his breath and breathed in a few good times, and then in literally under a minute, he was better. The grunting and retractions stopped and his breathing slowed way down (it had been 60 breaths per minute instead of the desired 40) and he visibly relaxed, and then the doctor checked his pulse ox again and it had gone up to the low 90s.

(Only then did the doctor tell me that the one possible side effect of albuterol is hyperactivity, and that within a few minutes he might be totally bouncing off the walls, but luckily it turned out that it doesn't seem to have that effect on Callum. If anything it actually seems to make him sleepy.)

It was pretty impressive to see how quickly he responded to the albuterol, and especially when the doctor then told me that lots of kids don't respond to it at all, or not nearly as well, and emphasized again that if that had been the case we would have been on our way to the hospital. But since we were lucky and he did respond, the doctor observed him for a few more minutes, checked his lungs again, prescribed an oral steroid, gave us many instructions about albuterol and the inhaler and the steroids, told us that given how well Callum had responded to the albuterol, he wasn't at all concerned that this would become more serious, and sent us home.

Where Torsten immediately began to coddle him. Which: not a bad thing! A very good thing! Very sweet to see how he was being cuddled and soothed and told how poor he was and on and on. And especially when two hours later, he went back into respiratory distress complete with grunting and retractions, all while lying limply on the floor, and I was still at the pharmacy waiting for them to finally get the meds ready so we didn't actually have any albuterol on hand yet to give him, it's nice that his dad was there.

(The second albuterol treatment did the trick, by the way, and while he's gotten somewhat wheezy a few times since then, he hasn't gone back into distress, and he's seemed much happier and more comfortable, and he took a three-hour nap yesterday and slept through the night last night, so it seems like he's improving and hopefully the oral steroids will kick in soon and he'll stop needing the albuterol. Also, OMG I am so glad we have an inhaler now instead of the nebulizer. He HATES it as much as he hated the nebulizer, but it only takes 30 seconds instead of 10-15 minutes. WIN. Also, I'm so grateful to have albuterol on hand, and really glad that the doctor made an offhand comment about how we should travel with it in the future--I am totally taking it with us on our massive Europe trip at the holidays, when we will be on many planes and in the middle of RSV season and in foreign countries where I don't even want to think about how complicated it would be to try to use our health insurance, but I totally wouldn't have thought of packing the albuterol if the doctor hadn't mentioned it.)

Anyway, the reason I originally set out to write this post wasn't even to describe all the details of what is, really, just a typical childhood disease (at least for a kid with sensitive lungs like Callum) and not all that big a deal. It was really to point out that while Callum has been a champ throughout the whole thing, Torsten has basically been doing everything in his power to give this kid a total Man Cold. Last night, for example. Callum had woken up from his massive nap, had another albuterol treatment, and was in a GREAT mood. Perky, happy, running around, playing with all his toys, babbling and talking, full of energy. And as a result, he made a giant mess with his toys. Our general policy is that before he goes to bed, he then has to help clean up any messes he's made (with our assistance, obviously, so we won't be there all night). He's very good at this and actually likes doing it. He will pick up all his toys and put them on shelves and in bins, and then he will walk around the room peering in corners and under furniture to see if he missed anything. (Yes, it is as cute as it sounds.)

But last night, Torsten took Callum to bed and then I walked into the living room to discover that the place was still a disaster area. So when Torsten came in, I asked him why he hadn't had Callum clean up like usual, and he said, "Oh, he was too sick to clean up." Despite the fact that he clearly wasn't too sick to make the damn mess in the first place.

The child is one year old and his father is already teaching him how to have a Man Cold. We are all screwed.

Toddlers are people, too. I think.

Well. We are in North Carolina at my parents' house and... it's raining. And humid. I mean, even when it's not raining, it's humid. Yesterday I commented on how humid it was and my mom said "oh it's not that humid today" and checked their weather center and the humidity was 80%. HA. In Denver normal humidity is like 20%. My hair is THRILLED that we live in Denver now. It is not so thrilled that we are back in the humidity at the moment.

The weather was sunny and mild yesterday despite the humidity, so we headed over to Pullen Park, which has a little train and a circa-1911 carousel and pedal boats and a little boat ride for kids, in addition to an awesome playground setup and lots of grassy open space. My mom says she remembers taking me and my sister and our cousins there approximately 23 years ago. It must be such a weird feeling to take your grandchildren to places that you remember taking your own children.

Anyway, Callum did well despite the fact that he accidentally rubbed sunscreen in his eyes on the car ride over and spent the rest of the drive screaming bloody murder while his eyes turned all pink and puffy and we tried helplessly to flush them out with water.

It's funny--I think of him as a happy, chortling, smiling little guy, usually with this impish sparkle in his eye and a gleeful look on his face, but watching him try new things, he is a perfect mirror of myself as a child--quiet, absorbed, and very, very serious. He laughed when he was on the slide and the swing, but when we did the train and the carousel he was very focused and didn't even crack a smile. But, you could tell that he was enjoying himself--he was just not in his usual relaxed element. He was in a new place with new people and lots of strangers, doing something different and unusual and he was taking it all in and focusing intently, and that left no time to relax or smile. EXACTLY like me as a kid.

I wonder sometimes what it's like in a toddler's head, where things happen to them and are done to them all the time with no explanation, or at least not one that they can fully absorb. We were at home and everything was normal and then we got on a plane and then we got off the plane and it was humid and his grandparents were there and then he was at a house he hasn't been to since Christmas and probably doesn't remember, and there were dogs he's not used to and everything was different, and then we took him to restaurants and parks and a million places he's never seen before. And this is what his whole life is like, constantly going places and doing things that he doesn't really know about or understand. And he just rolls with it. All toddlers just roll with it. That's their sense of their lives--that's the natural order of things for them. They are used to just being picked up and carted around and taken random strange places where they see random strange people and they are expected to like it. We saw a kid yesterday crying and refusing to go to the carousel and the parents were uselessly repeating, "But you'll like the carousel if you just try it."

And it's true, I'm sure that kid would have liked the carousel, but it's just funny because our kids have to take our word on all this stuff, we are constantly trying to get them to do things and eat things because they will like them, or at least we think they should like them. Our promises are all they have to go on and considering how often they get dragged to do things they don't really enjoy, like being stuck in the car for ages or getting a shot at a doctor's visit, I'm not surprised that our empty promises of how they'll really like the thing we're trying to get them to do sometimes falls on deaf ears.

I guess when I think about it this way, tantrums make so much sense. I know little kids like to have choices and I know that tantrums are a developmentally appropriate step toward asserting preferences and independence. When I think about all the ways in which those things are routinely ignored in little kids' lives just by dint of the way everyone's lives are structured and the difficulty of communicating complicated concepts to such new little people (it's so easy to forget that two years ago Callum wasn't even HERE yet... he's not a baby but he's still so NEW), it's not surprising at all that dammit, sometimes they just want the BLUE cup and NOT the red cup, and they're willing to throw themselves on the floor to kick and scream about it if they have to.

Not earth-shattering, something parents and child development experts have always known, but it just makes so much SENSE to me to think about it that way, and helps me not get annoyed and instead try to validate Callum's feelings when he has a tantrum or gets really upset about something that seems ridiculous to me.

And really, this kid is so very good at going with the flow. Even if he's very serious while doing it.

What things have your kids done that have surprised you in this way? Do you ever look at your kids and realize that they are doing something or acting in a way that isn't really in line with your general assessment of their personality?

Callum, lately

It has recently become extremely hard to photograph my child. We have a great camera but we have to keep it in a room that he never goes in, on a high shelf, because he is magnetically drawn to it and if it's anywhere near where he is, he will climb and jump and strain and grunt until he gets hold of it. So, it's never on hand and available when I want to take a photo of him. As a result, I wind up using my phone to take the vast majority of recent photos of him, and my phone isn't nearly as good a camera to begin with, plus he's in constant motion and there's no way my phone's crappy shutter speed can keep up.

So, nearly all of my recent photos of Callum are a little blurry, a little grainy. Definitely not works of art. But man, they capture the most vibrant, hilarious little person.



He runs everywhere. For the longest time he wasn't much of a climber and I thought maybe he never would be, but recently he's figured out how fun it is and does it all the time. He climbs on everything--tables, chairs, shelves, the back of the couch. He loves to run back and forth across the couch, turning the lamps at either end on and off over and over.



He loves trucks. I got him a little truck board book and have been giving it to him in the car and he will spend an entire car ride looking through it very thoroughly, over and over again. I showed him how to drive a toy truck into a block tower and now he'll do that and yell "wow!" after every crash. He loves blocks and he's still really into buckets. If I would let him, he could spend an hour just sitting on the floor with a box of tissues, pulling them out one by one, pretending to blow his nose, and throwing them on the floor.



He's still a mellow, happy, laid-back little kid but one benefit of our nanny share is that he's learning to stand up for himself a little more. When we first started this arrangement, the other baby had been going to daycare for most of her life and was well versed in asserting her claim to toys and the word "mine." Callum wasn't at all, and he would just hand over whatever she wanted without protest. Now something has clicked and he's figured out that he doesn't have to give something up just because she wants it. Yesterday morning they had a massive battle over a toy truck--Chloe was holding it, Callum grabbed it, they both pulled as hard as they could, neither of them budged, both of them yelled "MINE!" and then both of them burst into tears. I have to be honest, it was pretty hilarious. But then, most of what Callum does is pretty hilarious. Even his tantrums are hard to avoid laughing at--he gets so angry and he sits down on the floor in protest, and if he's extra upset he will then throw himself down so he's lying on the floor, and sometimes he adds in bonus kicking and screaming.



Generally, though, he's a well-behaved little guy and a surprisingly good listener for his age. He loves to clean up and generally help when asked, and will run around the room looking for toys to pick up and drop into bins. Whenever he does something we ask him to, he punctuates it with a loud, exaggerated, "Woooow!" He's also become a much better eater, though still not wonderful; the food-throwing/dropping phase has mostly lifted, and we can usually count on getting SOME kind of food into him over the course of the day, though he still won't have anything to do with vegetables or most fruits unless they're in those outrageously expensive squeezable pouches.



He talks all the time. He says over 60 words, many in both German and English, and when he's not saying an intelligible word he's babbling in a very realistic-sounding alien language. When Torsten was on a business trip recently, we FaceTimed with him and the second his face appeared on the screen, Callum yelled, "DADDY!" and then proceeded to hold an entire alien conversation, complete with inflection, questioning tones, and expectant pauses. It sounded just like a real conversation except one side of it was totally unintelligible. He's starting to combine two words together, saying things like "more water" and "bye Daddy" and "help [insert toy name]" and, most recently, "stack blocks." His articulation is starting to improve, though it's still not great, and the cutest thing ever is how he now says "I love you" at bed time, but pronounces it "ah wah woo." Even though I'm sure he doesn't really know what it means, it kills me every time.



Basically he is just the cutest thing ever and I spend most of my time resisting my urge to squeeze him. He is a completely irresistible little person. 20 months is my favorite age yet. But then, I say that about every age, which presumably means that there are only better things still to come.

Is everyone here? No, not yet.

(Note: I'm not pregnant. Remember that whole grad school thing? So settle down; for the moment this is a purely theoretical discussion.)

Torsten and I have always sort of vaguely planned to have two kids, knowing that we wanted somewhere from one to three kids total. We definitely knew we wanted kids in general, so deciding to have Callum wasn't a big deal for us--it was just a question of when, and not if.

But a second kid. Oh man. It's so much harder. Specifically because Torsten doesn't really want a second kid, and I really, really do.

What's funny is that I totally, TOTALLY get where Torsten is coming from. I see all of his points. I AGREE with all of his points, even. But I want another baby ANYWAY. My emotion is overriding my logic (to a point--I actually think there are a lot of logical reasons to have another baby, too). I walk through the exact same thought process as Torsten about the downsides--but then at the end I take the extra step of dismissing them all as not nearly as important. Torsten doesn't take that step.

He does, however, acknowledge that he's not rabidly opposed to having another kid. He agrees that it would probably be better for our family in a lot of ways. He understands that once said second child is actually here, he will be GLAD, he will love it as much as he loves Callum, he will not be able to imagine life without it. He acknowledges that my desire for a second child is much, much stronger than his preference not to have a second child, and as a result he agrees that we should have a second child at some point.

But he doesn't WANT a second child, and if it were up to him and him alone, we wouldn't have one. We would be done.

And I so, SO see why. Another newborn stage. Another tiny helpless baby who wakes up a lot and is very needy. Another few years of diapers. Another car seat in the car. While neither of us minded those things and in fact even enjoyed having a newborn, parenthood is just getting better as Callum gets older--and he doesn't see a reason to revert, to go back to that stage that wasn't nearly as fun. Plus, Torsten is a worrier. He worries about Callum, a lot, and I don't think he's too excited about the prospect of another kid to worry about.

Then there's the cost--not the little things but the childcare. The college savings. The possible private school tuition. The dent those costs will make in our retirement fund. The things we could do with that money.

And then there's the fact that he just feels like our life is perfect, exactly as it is. Callum is wonderful. Having one baby, and in particular such a laid back baby, is pretty easy and convenient. We can travel. We can go out to eat. One of us can handle the kid while the other one takes a break. Basically it boils down to: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Things are great. Why rock the boat? Why put ourselves through all this again when things are so lovely just as they are?

The problem is that I agree with these things. When Torsten says he wouldn't choose to have another kid and I try to envision our lives without one, in a lot of ways it feels like my world is opening up. The simplicity. The savings. The freedom. The choices. The stuff about the newborn stage not being as fun doesn't bother me, because that's temporary and I enjoyed it the first time anyway. But all the other points? I concur on every single one.

But... I want a second kid. I don't care about saving money to retire early if we only have one kid when we retire. And all these sacrifices? We made them for Callum and we both immediately, readily agree that they were completely worth it. And I know we'll feel the same way about the next kid too.

I want to be a family of four. I don't believe the BS a lot of people spout about only children being selfish brats with no social skills, but I do think there's nothing quite like growing up with a sibling, someone who knows you and knows your parents and just GETS it without you having to explain. Torsten is an only child, so he doesn't fully grasp that. He's started to understand it, as I've explained and as he's observed my relationship with my sister, but he doesn't know it naturally, instinctively the way I do.

I also think it would be good for all of us to have another child. I see Torsten's family dynamic with his parents, the way they focus only on him, the way their rigid expectations were never challenged because they never saw that two kids, with the same parents and the same upbringing, can be very different. They had the opportunity to worry about everything, to focus and dwell on all the little details of their child's life, because there wasn't another child to think about. I want to have two kids, two distinct little people with personalities all their own, children that require different parenting, children that don't allow us to focus so singularly on just one of them or the other.

I want to watch our kids interacting. I want them to play and learn from each other and yes, even fight (though hopefully not too often). I want them to grow up together, to know each other, to understand each other's lives and backgrounds, even if they don't turn out to be best friends.

And I want this parenting experience again. Callum is SO amazing. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that another baby will be equally amazing, that we'll love it equally much, but I know that's the case. TWO babies, two distinct people to love and be amazed by, two people to play together and love and learn from each other. I want that. I just do, even if logically there are a million other things we could do with our time and money that would be way easier and more relaxing. I don't care. I just want it.

And Torsten gets that, he really does. And that's why he's willing to have a second kid despite his doubts. But I feel bad about it. I want him to want another kid as much as I do. I hate that there's no compromising when you and your partner disagree about how many kids you want--that one of us has to "win" and the other has to "lose" this battle. Even though it's not a battle, not really. It's weird because I feel like we're on the same side, with the same opinions, but the same thought process leads us to different conclusions.

And I worry about that too. I worry that I'm just following some weird biological or societal impulse to have another kid, that it's not really the best thing for our family. I feel like I'm making some sort of unilateral decision even though Torsten isn't setting it up like that. Even though he agrees that we're really discussing together what would be best for our family and reaching the conclusion that makes the most sense for all involved parties. It's still me swaying him to make a different decision than he would on his own. And I know that's part of being a family. But we're usually so in tune, so very much on the same page, that it's weird and a little scary to disagree on something so fundamental.

I'm not worried that we won't be able to love another baby as much as we love this one. I'm not worried that we'll ever regret having a second baby, or that Torsten will resent me for making it happen. I know that once the next baby is here, someday down the line, we will wonder how we ever could have thought that maybe it wasn't the right thing.

But the next baby isn't here yet. We don't know when it will be here, or even if we will encounter problems trying to conceive it, when we get to that point. It's all still theoretical, a vague and blurry concept, where these concerns are still valid, where they still merit attention and discussion. That's where we are right now. And it's kind of a scary, open-ended place to be.