2018: The year of baby steps

(Previous years: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007)  

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
Sent both my kids on an unaccompanied flight (transatlantic, no less). Got super involved in public school politics and advocacy. Got an IUD stuck (!) and had to have a camera-guided procedure to get it out. Had my basement flood (twice!). Started down the path of managing ADHD in my kiddos. Started a real, habitual, extensive skincare routine (and stuck with it). Helped my child participate in feeding therapy. Took a solo trip to Hawaii (mostly for work, but still). Read 214 books. Have my kid figure out the truth about Santa et al., and then help participate in creating the magic for his sister. 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I said, "I'd like to make some progress toward financial recovery from quite a few large unexpected expenses that we incurred this year, and I'd like to be more on top of keeping my photos organized." We did make some financial progress, but not as much as I'd liked, and I did get some of my photos organized, but not nearly all of them, so overall I'd say this was kind of a wash. For next year I'd like to stick to a more detailed budget as a family, and get some of the messy spaces in our house organized.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A very good friend from college.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Domestically, I went to Washington DC, Baltimore, Oahu, Maine, Durham (NC), and Charleston (SC).

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
A president I trust. More financial organization. 

7. What moments from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Some moments related to figuring out kid mental health and support type stuff, some moments related to seeing our country take atrocious actions against vulnerable populations (oh hey I just noticed I said something very similar last year, how charming), Montana getting clear scans at her oncology follow-ups, some decisions I made for myself around my own health stuff, our absolutely incredible family trip to Maine and how FUN and relaxing it was (first time our kids have been old enough for us to really feel that way about a family vacation), my friends continuing to show up, over and over, in real, meaningful, complicated, loving ways.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
To my own surprise, my answer here is parenting-related for the second year in a row. Both our kids needed a lot from us this year as we tried to figure out their ADHD and associated challenges and support them in a balanced way. It was really tricky and demanded a lot from us in terms of both emotional as well as tangible resources, and certainly we don't have the whole thing perfected yet, but I do feel like I came through for my whole family on mental health and support this year, and we are all thriving, and I feel really good about that.

9. What was your biggest failure?
A fair bit of unnecessary guilt and self-blame. I was going to say that I should have implemented more financial organization measures sooner, but seeing the first point, I'm going to try to let go of that idea and just be glad we're in a good place now.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major (and nobody was hospitalized this year!), but it was definitely a year of working on family mental health stuff, which was both time-consuming and pricey.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets. Do health care services count as a purchase? A couple pieces of art from some of our favorite places that we really treasure every time we look at them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I'm stealing last year's answer, because apparently last year I was feeling very articulate. On a micro level: Torsten's, like every year. He has done a ton of hard work and our whole family is benefitting. On a macro level: All the people who've stepped up to counter the appalling words and actions of our government by helping each other, supporting each other, protesting, donating, voting, and resisting.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My answer from the last two years still stands: People who are irrationally and unconsciously (or consciously, for that matter) motivated by white identity and perceived threat to their desired world order. This year I'll put a finer point on it: All the people who've seen Trump do every horrible thing we expected and then some, and continue to support him.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same answer for the seventh straight year: our mortgage and childcare, and I will keep last year's addition of health care.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our family. The work we did to make sure everyone's needs are met and they are thriving. Democrats taking over the house, and the door-knocking I did to unseat a Republican Congressman in a nearby district seeing results.

16. What song will always remind you of 2018?
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
a) About the same
b) Thinner
c) Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I'm gonna repeat last year's answer: Sleeping. Working out. Volunteering.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Driving? Somehow there was so much driving. Going to Target and generally running tiny errands all the time. Possibly these two items are related.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Visiting my parents in North Carolina, followed by Torsten and me going to Charleston by ourselves for a few days while our kids stayed with my parents.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program? 
I basically did not watch TV this year because I spent so much time reading, so I really don't know. I do have a long list of shows I'd like to check out in 2019, though.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Borrowing last year's answer: I'd say my hatred for evil, self-interested members of government has sharpened, if that counts.

24. What was the best book you read?
Real American by Julie Lythcott-Haims.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Like pretty much every year: I'm not sure I made any.

26. What did you want and get?
A happy family with a solid, comfortable life routine. 

27. What did you want and not get?
Like last year: A government that believes in the republic and cares about the people it represents (or any people, for that matter).

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Incredibles 2

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was a low-key day... we just went out for a casual dinner as a family, and it was lovely. I turned 34.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A trustworthy government. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
This year I discovered shorts. They're amazing! Did you know? They're comfortable and they keep your legs so nice and cool. Why didn't someone tell me about these magical things earlier? Also, hoodies featured heavily this year.

32. What kept you sane?
Same as the last four years: My little family. My group of best friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm bad at this.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Immigration, income inequality, class warfare, general corruption?

35. Who did you miss?
Similar answer to the past nine years: Most of my friends and family, since many of them live far away. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?
We met some great people this year, but in particular Callum made a close friend on his new soccer team, and his family is lovely as well, and they've been a great addition to our lives.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
Feeling that the current circumstances are uniquely horrible is a privileged perspective, as this country has been treating vulnerable people like shit for centuries. Still, it's better to become woke late than never, and we can all do what we can to resist, even if it's not 100% of our effort 100% of the time.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
As last year: I don't think there is one. There pretty much never is.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Callum is FIVE

Yesterday Callum turned five. FIVE. Five, which sounds like such a big kid age (and hey, BabyCenter agrees with me... those weekly emails that I've been getting since before Callum was born and that I never bothered unsubscribing to changed, on his birthday, from "My Preschooler This Week" to "My Big Kid This Week"). The age of kindergarten. It's a whole new world up in here.

At five, Callum is spectacular. He is, as much can be expected at this age, incredibly kind and thoughtful. He always wants to help--he loves to hold doors for people, and when Annika can't do something, he's the first to race over to assist. We talk a lot about how we do things in our family, and he is internalizing and repeating it, and as a result we hear a lot about how we are kind and helpful in this family, and we don't say mean things in this family, etc. He offers to share desserts with not just Annika but also Torsten and myself. He's an incredible big brother, and loves Annika so much. We are constantly blown away by how well they play together, and how much he cares about her and thinks about her.

He's incredibly imaginative. He makes up all sorts of games and dialogues that take my breath away with their creativity and complexity. He can happily play independently for hours, crawling around on the floor with his cars and superheroes, acting out scenarios and interactions. He is testing some limits right now, and comes up with explanations and excuses for his behavior that make us hard-pressed not to laugh (for example, he tells us that Superman or Peter Parker are in his head controlling his voice and that it wasn't HIM that was defiant or said the unkind thing, it was just that Peter Parker made him). He still loves Lightning McQueen, but recently has become very into superheroes (particularly Avengers) and Ninja Turtles, too. He loves Legos, particularly the trains.

He LOVES preschool. He adores his 15 classmates, knows them all well, and talks about them frequently. He has a best friend at school, the same one all year, and watching them interact is almost like watching brothers--they know each other so well and they press each other's buttons and argue and then figure it out and move on. He is enthusiastic about everything he does, and even if he doesn't do it with finesse, he always does it wholeheartedly.

He has made some strides with his eating this year, but remains quite picky. However, he will now happily eat hamburgers, hot dogs, and deli meat, and can be convinced sometimes to take bites of chicken and fish, which is a huge step in the right direction after being a de facto vegetarian for about three and a half years. He still prefers carbs and beige food to all else, and would drink as much milk as we would allow. He remains on the bigger side of his age group, but nothing like the incredible off the charts numbers of his infancy. He is very active. He loves to run around, and told me that his favorite activities in gym class are sprints and log rolls, in that order.

He's just at the point where he's starting to try to write words and figure out letter sounds. He knows all his letters and the sounds they make, and he can figure out the first letter and often the second letter of almost any word. He can write his full name. He constantly wants to know how to spell things, and is getting pretty good at making reasonable guesses when we ask him what he thinks (for example, he wrote "bot" for "boat" and "flor" for "flower"). He seems to have a strong number sense, and can count basically indefinitely, and read five-digit numbers.

He remains a sensitive kiddo, with a strong desire to be sure he's good at something before he tries it. He is concerned about other people and worries about how they feel. He is experimenting with defiance, and while that's not so fun for any of us, we can see that it makes him feel sort of scared and out of control when he tries it. He has a goofy sense of humor and loves jokes, especially if they involve farting or anything else toilet-related. He is still snuggly, and loves to curl up with us to chat during his bedtime routine each night. He is deeply caring and affectionate, and surprisingly observant about what other people do and like and want.

He is a pure delight. Happy birthday to our big boy.

Kindness and giftedness and schools

One of the things that has really come to the forefront of our minds as parents during this whole school research and selection process has been what our priorities are for our kids and how we raise them. That, to me, is honestly what a lot of this school stuff has boiled down to. As we've thought through this process, the question hasn't just been "where can Callum (and eventually Annika) find the academic rigor we need?" In fact, that hasn't been the question at all. For us, the question has been "where can we find a school that will nurture our kids holistically, help them grow and collaborate and learn from others, and foster a spirit of kindness and community?"

Of course we care about academics, but honestly, I feel comfortable that any solid school can provide those, and we are lucky to have multiple solid school options available to us. Torsten and I were both gifted as kids, and we both spent our fair share of school time sitting around waiting for others to catch up. It's too soon to tell, with our kids not quite 2 and 5 yet, whether they will also be classified as gifted. So far we have heard from each of their preschool teachers that both kids appear relatively advanced, so although they are too young to label as gifted, we currently have no concerns about their general ability to thrive academically in pretty much any decent school environment. So truly, what we are looking for is (excuse the buzzword) a whole child education. And we feel that we've found that in Callum's school, and are deeply happy with our choice, and are very hopeful that he will be able to remain at that school throughout elementary, and that Annika will be able to attend there as well.

Because here is the thing about schools: even if our kids turn out to be gifted, I am not really worried about them being challenged with difficult enough material (granted, they are still very young so I may change my tune about this down the road). But I strongly believe that "gifted" in the sense of academically talented and/or high IQ is just one way for kids, and all people, to offer things to the world. Kids who might be more middle of the pack, or even behind, academically, have just as much to offer to the school, to the class, to their peers as everyone else. I don't want my kids to be bored in school, but I want them learning the value of collaboration, and considering diverse perspectives, and understanding that even if schoolwork is easier for them than it is for some of their peers, their peers still have thoughts and opinions and ideas that they didn't have, and that maybe the very fact of school being more challenging for some kids actually enhances their ability to contribute in certain ways, because they are learning from their experiences, and every child's school experience is unique, even among kids in the same class.

So, if my kids are gifted and fly through their schoolwork and need to be challenged? Fine. I want a school that will challenge them by encouraging them to collaborate, and look elsewhere, and work harder, and revise, and keep trying, and consider new ideas. I want them to be encouraged to spend any leftover academic energy on thinking critically, and growing as a person, and caring about their friends and classmates, and investing in their little community. I want them in a community of diverse people and I want them learning how to work and play with all different kinds of people. You know, kind of like adult life.

So, for me: I don't care if my kids are academic standouts who test well and are known as smart. I don't care if they are the class president or the star of the debate team or the star of the football team (actually that's a lie, I DO care because they will not be allowed to play football, sorry, but you get the point).

What I do care about is kindness. That is my top priority to teach my kids. And I LOVE Callum's school (and Annika's, which also has this DOWN, and which isn't the point of this post just because I'm thinking long-term here and her school is preschool-only) because the educational model is ALL ABOUT teaching kids the value inherent in each person, and teaching them how to collaborate and learn from each other, and I feel like those are the sources from which innate kindness grows. There's no superiority conveyed to kids who have an easier time with academics or are considered gifted, there's no glorifying or separating out for accomplishments. There's a focus on effort and feedback and sharing and considering multiple viewpoints. And I believe that is how you teach kindness.

Callum's class this year is also much bigger than it was last year (15 kids compared to last year's 5 kids), and I've been impressed at the opportunities that this social structure has provided for teaching kindness. For example, the very first week of school Callum made a friend, let's call him Howie. For the whole first week all we ever heard from Callum was Howie this and Howie that and Howie is his best friend and he and Howie played superheroes together and Howie Howie Howie everything. Then, in the second week of school Callum made another friend, let's call him Davey. At first Callum said that Davey was his "second best friend" but very quickly we started hearing more and more about Davey and not quite as much about Howie.

Then, one day on the ride home from school I was asking Callum about his day and he told me that he and Davey had played together but they hadn't let Howie join, even though Howie wanted to play with them. He told me that Howie was sad and didn't have anyone to play with and that he and Davey didn't care. Then, he added that if Howie came over for a playdate that weekend as planned, he (Callum) would lock the door and not let him in, and wouldn't share with him or play with him at all.

Seriously, my heart almost broke. These kids are only four years old, and it's already so complicated! Also, not having been particularly popular in school myself, I think somehow I was much more steeled to deal with other kids being mean to my kids than mine being the mean ones. I felt so terrible for poor Howie being shut out, and so so sad that it was my kid making another one feel bad. The whole way home from school I talked to Callum about how it's OK not to be best friends with everyone, but about how it's all of our jobs to make sure that our friends feel included and have someone to play with, and how it's never OK to make someone feel sad or excluded. Every time I tried to explain this, he just interrupted to say that Howie wasn't his friend anymore and only Davey was his friend and how he didn't want to play with Howie anymore. By the time we got home, I was feeling super defeated and exhausted, like I was beating my head against a brick wall and not getting through to Callum at all about this value that is so very important to our family. Finally I just gave up and reminded Callum of how much fun he had had playing superheroes with Howie, and he brightened up and was like "Oh yeah, OK, Howie CAN come to our house for a playdate and we'll play superheroes!" and we all moved on. But I still walked away feeling like I had completely failed in teaching the kindness lesson to my kid in this instance.

BUT! The next morning on the way to school? Callum started talking independently about how that day he was going to play with Davey AND Howie, and the other kids at school too, and how he was going to be kind and make sure that everyone felt included so that nobody would be said. Honestly, I almost fell over. He had so CLEARLY been listening during our talk the day before, even while he was arguing and protesting and acting like it was all going over our head, and I could see that what I had said had stuck in his head and that he'd been thinking about it and was planning to act on it. And! He truly did. He came home that day and told me all about how he'd played with Davey and Howie and also Susan and Willa Jean, and had so much fun, and was so kind to all his friends. In the month since then, this problem hasn't arisen again. Callum, Davey, and Howie seem to be a little trio of friends, they play together regularly, and Callum also talks about playing with the other kids. He knows all of their names and things about them, and I have been really impressed at how well he has gotten to know them so quickly. He talks about who does what and who likes what and who does art and who brings lunch from home vs. eating the school lunch. I can see that he has been absorbing the lessons we've been trying to teach him, and that makes me feel so much better about those frustrating moments when it really does feel like I'm beating my head against a wall for no reason.

And--to bring it full circle--I love how this is the exact philosophy that Callum's teachers are working so hard to impress on the kids. They have the same approach, that you don't have to be best friends with everyone but that it's not OK to ever be unkind or exclusive, and they are very big into fostering collaboration and teamwork and encouraging everyone to provide feedback to everyone else to help them grow and improve their work. For example, they all did self-portraits and have gone through multiple iterations based on class feedback. They all share their work and discuss it together and offer ideas and suggestions to each other on how to build on early drafts. Obviously, at the preschool level we're not talking about rewriting essays, but I've been impressed at how they've applied this philosophy with age-appropriate activities. Here's Callum's first self-portrait iteration and his most recent version, created based on class collaboration sessions:

I guess in the end I'm just really grateful that we've found a school that makes me feel like I'm not going it alone in this, where I really feel like the principal and the teachers and the whole educational philosophy are working to support exactly the same priorities that I have for my own kids. That, to me, is much more important than academic rigor to promote giftedness. My kids are thriving, both of them, and learning in every way, and learning social skills and values that are exactly consistent with what we are trying to teach them at home. And THAT is exactly what we want in a school.

It's only preschool, and yet

I've briefly mentioned a couple times that Callum is changing schools this year, but I haven't gone into a lot of detail. I have a couple personal policies about where I draw the line as far as protecting my kids' privacy when writing about them online, and one of those lines is that I try not to share identifying details about exactly where they spend their time, which also means not sharing very specific details about their schools. That makes this topic hard to write about, and means that I can't go into a lot of detail about the exact reasoning of the decision, but I'm going to try to cover it anyway.

(I will also say that this was a very complicated decision for us with a lot of complex factors involved, and I am more than happy to discuss it in detail individually, so if you DO want to know more, feel free to reach out. I have also learned a lot about the Denver public school system, which has been very helpful.)

Anyway! The gist is that Callum attended a private preschool for the previous two school years. It was a small school with only a few kids in his class, and he had a wonderful teacher (the same for both years). The school was an obvious choice for us because it offered a particular educational element that was important to us personally, and it was always our plan to keep him there for his full three years of preschool, and then look elsewhere starting at kindergarten, because at that point the private school would just be too small (only a couple kids per grade in the whole school). The school could be frustrating to work with on the administrative side, as is common with small schools, but Callum loved his teacher (and so did we), he was happy and thriving at the school, and we really enjoyed the community.

And then in the middle of the year last year, we learned about a preschool program in a nearby public school, and decided to apply just to see if Callum might happen to get a spot. We put him into the Denver Public Schools lottery for a slot back in January and then kind of buried our heads in the sand and did not discuss the decision, figuring it was a waste of time until we found out if he got a slot (there is more demand for public preschool in Denver than there is supply, so a slot was far from guaranteed).

Then, in March, we were notified that Callum had indeed drawn a slot at the public school, and we had to make a decision. We did a bunch of research, including extensive observation and conversations with the principal and teachers at the public school, and ultimately decided that it seemed like a really great school that would suit Callum very well, even though it did not offer the particular educational element that was the draw for us at his previous, private preschool. There are a few public elementary schools in our area that seem really great, and we feel lucky to have the options that we do, but this school in particular really stood out to us for its approach to teaching and to community, and for the incredibly high quality of its teachers. It is not our neighborhood school, which means that if we want to keep him there next year, we will have to put him back into the lottery for kindergarten, because DPS does a fresh lottery at each "transition" year (kindergarten, sixth grade, and ninth grade). But as an existing student of this school, he will have priority in the lottery after all the neighborhood kids are placed, so he has a high chance of getting to stay there, which was a major reason why we decided to take the slot this year rather than waiting a year and trying again.

Deciding to change schools was hard! Callum's old preschool program was so small that we were worried about the effect on the school of losing a student, and we also loved his teacher there and hated to lose out on a year with her, plus we were concerned about losing the particular educational element (which we are trying to make up for on our own now, which I have faith that we can do but definitely creates a bit more of a challenge), and we loved the community and had lots of friends there, plus Callum was just so happy and relaxed at that school, so used to it, so familiar, it gave him a lot of confidence, and we felt bad shaking things up in that way. But, we knew it was the right decision, so we powered through the hard part and now the transition is more or less done. And we've been managing lots of playdates with his friends (and ours) from his old school, so hopefully we'll be able to maintain those connections despite the distance.

Callum has been nervous about the new school all summer, but back to school night helped, and on his first day he did great. He ran ahead of me into the building, showed me where his classroom was, looked through all the cubbies until he found the one with his name written on it, proudly hung up his backpack, and cheerfully said goodbye. When I picked him up after school, he was bubbling over with enthusiasm about how he liked his teachers and his classmates, he played with the dollhouse and the water table, he ate lunch in the cafeteria, he read books with his teachers, and he drew pictures of himself and Annika. When I asked him what his favorite thing was he said "everything!" and when I asked him if he was excited to go back the next day he shouted "yes!" So, seems like a good start. Yesterday was similarly easy, and today's drop-off as well... plus yesterday at pickup his teachers came over to tell me how great he is, how sweet and fun, and how much they love having him in the class, so that was really nice to hear. It's also been reassuring for me because the teachers have talked to me about very specific things about him and described his day in great detail, and it's easy to see that they are already getting to know him well after just two days, and that's lovely to see.

So overall, it's been a win! We will see how the rest of the year goes, but I have the deep-down conviction that we made the right choice, so hopefully that will help us get over any bumps in the road.

And here he is on his first day. My big, brave boy.

On asthma. Or pre-asthma. OK, sensitive lungs.

So, Callum has asthma, kind of, maybe. This is something we've known about for a long time... his sensitive lungs first made an appearance right before he turned one with his first case of bronchiolitis, and then again later that same year with his second case of bronchiolitis, which was when we first obtained an inhaler for him. At the time we were only using albuterol, which is acute treatment for asthma symptoms that are currently occurring such as wheezing, coughing, etc. (often called a rescue inhaler), and I actually don't remember at what point we added in the second inhaler, Qvar, which is a daily preventive corticosteroid that helps prevent asthma symptoms from occurring in the first place, but it's been awhile since we first started using it--I'd say at least two years.

(Side note: Callum's official diagnosis is still up in the air. His regular pediatrician, whom we love, calls it "sensitive lungs" and doesn't want to put a diagnosis on it yet because she thinks there's a good chance he'll grow out of it on his own. Another pediatrician at the practice whom we've seen for a couple of bronchiolitis-related sick visits says that the criteria for asthma are that he requires an inhaled corticosteroid--Qvar--as well as a rescue inhaler--albuterol--and as a result he does have it. Another doc at the practice has said that he at the very least is considered to have pre-asthma. It's all semantics, though. The reality doesn't change... he has sensitive lungs that require treatment and vigilance. He may end up with an official asthma diagnosis down the road, but not yet, but in the meantime, that's essentially what we're dealing with and that's how we refer to it ourselves.)

Anyway, neither of us really has experience with asthma and it took us a shamefully long time to realize how important the Qvar really is for Callum. The doctor told us to give it to him once a day, but we weren't great about it. We would forget frequently and not think it was a big deal. The thing about Qvar is that because it's preventive, and because Callum doesn't have asthma symptoms most of the time (only in response to illness, usually), its effect isn't obvious and in your face the way albuterol's is. So we wouldn't use it as often as we should have, nothing would happen, and we would remain lax about it. Then every time Callum got sick he would end up with a case of bronchiolitis, sometimes manageable with his inhaler, sometimes requiring a trip to the pediatrician for a bulk albuterol nebulizer treatment and a prescription for oral steroids, and we still didn't realize the connection to the inconsistent Qvar use.

Then! In August of last year, Callum caught the enterovirus that was going around--the one where the media was full of dire warnings specifically for parents of kids with asthma. It was a particularly nasty cold, and he did need his albuterol inhaler, but the inhaler was sufficient and he did not end up requiring additional meds or treatment. But then, in October, Callum got a pretty hardcore case of bronchiolitis that his albuterol inhaler could barely touch. We brought him into the pediatrician, where he required such a big bulk albuterol treatment that he actually threw up from the amount of albuterol in his system (evidently a common side effect of large amounts but not something we had ever experienced before). At that visit the doctor also told us that this was what they had been seeing with this enterovirus with asthmatic kids--a rebound illness a month or two later with a pretty severe lung reaction that required a lot of albuterol to manage. He sent us home with instructions to administer albuterol round the clock whether he was displaying symptoms or not, and to bump up the Qvar to twice a day and keep it that way for the rest of the winter. We went home and followed his instructions religiously, and have continued to administer the Qvar twice a day since then.

And you guys, it turned out that the Qvar has made a HUGE difference for Callum. Honestly I am embarrassed that we didn't realize before how much it would matter. He had a ton of colds this past winter, but he has hardly needed his albuterol at all, and he did not have a single sick visit to the doctor all winter. Contrast that with the previous winter, where our insurance claims history tells me that he went to the pediatrician to be treated for bronchiolitis four different times over a period of four months.

Qvar! It works! Follow your doctor's instructions, guys! You're welcome!

Seriously, though, this is like a magic drug for us. And actually, we have just sort of inadvertently proven that concept, because I was recently wondering if maybe it wasn't the Qvar, maybe it was a coincidence, maybe he's just outgrowing his asthma like his pediatrician has always said he might, but then, well, we put it to the test. When we got toward the spring, sometime around April I started wondering aloud to Torsten if maybe we should scale down to just one dose of Qvar per day since the doctor had said the two doses was just for the winter. Then Callum caught a cold, I figured it wasn't a good time, and I scrapped the plan.

Except... evidently I didn't adequately express my thought process to my co-parent, because Torsten somehow got the idea that Callum didn't need the Qvar at all anymore, not even once a day, and stopped giving it to him. So, he was still getting some, because I was giving it to him some days, but he wasn't getting nearly enough. And lo and behold, he got a cold, a super mild cold even, one that we barely noticed except that he was a little sniffly and Annika had a runny nose, and... now he has bronchiolitis. A mild-ish case, one that so far his albuterol inhaler can handle, but one that is far worse than anything he has had since before we started giving him Qvar regularly. He's coughing a lot, I can hear a wheeze in his breathing, and he needs his albuterol many times a day, including in the middle of the night. That's a situation that we haven't dealt with since the fallout from his enterovirus in October, and MAN did we ever get spoiled not having to deal with it. Now we're back in that place, and ugh, it sucks. Poor Callum is coughing and wheezing even though he's otherwise feeling fine, and we're both on edge listening out to see if he goes downhill and needs to be seen, and just, UGH. And I was so confused! I said to Torsten with great concern this morning that the Qvar doesn't seem to be doing the trick anymore because he got this bronchiolitis after such a mild cold after not having it all winter! And Torsten was like, "Um, I thought he didn't need the Qvar anymore?" And... LIGHT BULB MOMENT.

At least Torsten's guilt over having inadvertently caused his child to develop bronchiolitis will most certainly prevent him from ever making this mistake again. And I think we'll be sticking with Qvar twice daily year-round from now on. Clearly it helps. And clearly colds happen in the summer too. But it is so so good to know that the Qvar makes such a difference for him. With it, it's almost like has doesn't have asthma/sensitive lungs at all anymore. And that is an amazing feeling, for all of us.

State of the kiddos, volume 1

Now that my kids are a little older, I'm not writing monthly letters to them anymore, which is, well, surprisingly freeing but also means I have much less of a record of what they're like, what they've been doing, how they're changing over time. So... every now and then I'd love to do a little capture of what they're like at that moment in time. This one is long because, well, it's the first one in awhile... hopefully future installments will be a little shorter.

Callum
Callum is feeling more and more like he's rounding the corner into the fun part of age four. The behavior chart has helped a lot, and while he definitely engages in some limit testing and gets frustrated sometimes, he's whining much less and is very happy and helpful. It's been fascinating to watch him grow into a real little person and observe more and more about the way his mind works.

The thing that stands out to me the most is that he's just such a kind, thoughtful person. The other day we suggested a special outing to the children's museum, just him, while Annika was at daycare, and he responded that he would rather wait for a day when Annika could come too because she loves the ball room at the children's museum. I mean. Couldn't you just die? It was so sweet and thoughtful, beyond what I would expect from a four-year-old. He runs outside and picks dandelions for us and tells us that he brought us a beautiful flower and it smells so good and carefully puts it into a cup of water for us to keep. He tells me "have fun at work!" when I say goodbye to him in the mornings. He is so loving with Annika (though of course he gets frustrated when she takes his toys) and they play together amazingly well. He pretty much never lies, and if he says he'll do something, we know he will. He's very affectionate, and wants endless numbers of hugs, but he's also very independent, and will happily play on his own for hours.

He notices everything, and has started attempting to negotiate the world with us the way we do with him. For example, if he wants us to do something he will tell us that we should do it so that we can get a sticker for our chart, or that if we don't do it, he won't let us have our favorite food (we actually don't use food as a reward or consequence ever, but he has evidently picked up on that concept anyway). He's extremely observant, and we often hear ourselves reflected in him in the way he talks to us and plays with his toys. He comes up with clever ways to try to get around the things we say. Recently he told me that kids make the rules, and I told him no, grown-ups make the rules, and he thought for a minute and told me that in that case, his stuffed Olaf actually gets to make the rules, because he's 701 years old and that's older than anyone else in the house.

He's very creative. He engages in long, complex imaginative play on his own with fully detailed scenarios and ongoing conversations that he acts out among all the characters. He has started liking to draw and paint and generally do art a lot more than he ever did before. He makes up stories about toys and puzzles and pictures, and will build things like Octonauts out of any toys he has on hand. He still loves cars, both the vehicles and the movie.

He loves numbers and seems to have a natural mind for them. He can count at least to 1,000 and sometimes beyond. He can read three-digit numbers and is starting to be able to read four-digit numbers too. He can compare numbers (a week or so ago in a parking lot he was reading license plates, saw two cars next to each other with an 848 and a 691 on their plates, and said to me, "Eight hundred forty-eight is more than six hundred ninety-one"). He can do simple math if you ask him conceptually (like "if you have five apples and you eat two apples, how many apples do you have left?") and he can envision a mental number line and tell you which number is closer to another (for example, "which number is closer to six--three or eight?"). He can read a digital clock to tell you what time it is and is just starting to grasp what time actually means (rather than thinking that if you say something is happening in three hours, he can just count to three and it will be time). He loves puzzles and can do up to 70-80 pieces entirely independently, and 100 pieces with some assistance. He asks questions about numbers constantly, things like how fast we are going and what the temperature is.

Every now and then he gives a little glimpse into his four-year-old logic, like last week when he asked me how fast we were driving and I told him 30 and he asked with great puzzlement how that could be, because we could only drive 20, 40, 60, 80, 100, or 120. It took me a minute to realize he must have taken a look at the speedometer once and seen that those are the only numbers actually printed on it. Or, once recently he commented that we were driving past a school. I looked around and did not see an obvious school and finally noticed a tiny sign in the distance marking a nearby school. There was no way he could possibly have seen that sign or known what it meant, so I asked him how he knew there was a school nearby, and he said, "Because the sign said 20!" After a moment I realized that he had deduced (correctly) that 20mph speed limit signs almost always denote a school zone.

He's extremely active. He's always on the move and always running. He loves to jump, slide, swing, scoot, bike, swim, hike, roughhouse. He has boundless energy and always wants to be outside. He can walk or scoot surprisingly long distances without complaining. When we went on a hike a couple weeks ago he sat down and complained one time, not because he was tired but rather because he was upset that Torsten had scolded him. Once he got over that, he happily sang to himself the entire rest of the hike.

He is still big, but not off the charts big like he was as a baby. He hovers around 70th-80th percentile. I believe he's about 42 inches and 42 pounds. He remains picky and doesn't eat much, but somehow the situation feels less dire than it used to--with the behavior chart we have at least gotten him to take bites of things that he would previously absolutely reject, like chicken and salami and even a piece of spinach, and he expresses a desire to eat his dinner even if he then falls at the final hurdle of actually eating it, and altogether even though he's not really eating much more than he ever did, I feel like we might be starting to see the slightest sliver of light at the end of this particular tunnel.

He remains, as he has been since babyhood, a happy and laid-back kid. He is still sensitive, and gets hurt feelings if he gets scolded or any kind of negative attention, but he is quickly reassured with hugs and talking it out. He reacts surprisingly well to transitions--when we told him he was going to change schools in the fall he had questions, and still does, but was surprisingly fine with it given how much he loves his old school. It feels like... like he's never really had his trust violated and so he has no awareness that bad things could happen to him. I hope he stays that way for a long time.

He is our sweet, loving, clever boy. We are so lucky.

Annika
Annika also feels like she is rounding a corner into a pleasant age. The first half of age one is always challenging (though adorable) because the motor skills are there but the cognitive skills not so much, so you're basically looking at a fetus on feet (TM Jonna). As she gets closer to two she has become better at listening and a little more self-regulated (though, obviously, still a toddler). She is happy and energetic and deeply opinionated.

She is surprisingly good at communicating. I was keeping track of her vocabulary and gave up after about 75 words, but she has to be well over 100 words by now. She puts two and three words together in sentences, and is just beginning to grasp pronouns and verbs (she will say things like "Mommy go" and "me down"). She has also very much mastered the art of the word "no" and will combine it beautifully with other words to very clearly articulate exactly what it is that she does not want ("no night-night!" "no Daddy!"). She is learning sign language at daycare and will add signs to her words for extra emphasis (such as saying and signing "all done" or "more" simultaneously). Her newest phrase is "me too," which just debuted two days ago when Callum asked for some milk and she came racing into the kitchen while I was pouring it yelling "me too!" She says please and thank you quite consistently. She has also started doing an angry clap for emphasis when she is particularly upset, where she will yell what she's upset about and then smack her hands together sharply to make her point even clearer.

 

She has very strong opinions and isn't afraid to express them. She definitely has quite the feisty personality. If she doesn't want to be carried she will stiffen her whole body in an attempt to cause you to drop her, danger be damned. If she wants a toy from Callum and he won't give it to her she will scream bloody murder as though she'd just sustained a serious bodily injury. When her will is thwarted she can throw the mother of all tantrums. If you try to distract her or calm her down she just gets angrier. The other day Callum gave her the toy she was requesting, then started playing with another toy. When she saw his toy she gave up her own and tried to get it from him. I told her that Callum was having a turn and she could have a turn after he was done. I then tried to get her to play with the first toy. She slammed the toy on the ground, stamped her foot, ran in a screaming/sobbing circle around the room, came back to the toy, picked it up and slammed it on the ground again, did a huge angry clap, and then threw herself on the ground kicking and screaming. She's tenacious, too--she kept it up until Callum finished his turn with the toy she wanted and gave it to her, at which point she was immediately happy again. Given the magnitude of her rages, she gets over them surprisingly quickly--if she has a meltdown because she wants me instead of Torsten, she stops crying and starts acting totally normal the second I pick her up.

I don't mean to make it sound like she is all tantrums, because she absolutely isn't--they aren't even particularly frequent given her age--it's just that when she does have them, they are spectacular. But when she's not angry, she's a delight (OK, her anger is actually kind of delightful too in its hilarity). She's very resilient--runs around, falls down, maybe cries for a second, hops back up. Since she has a big brother she's used to running with the big kids and it's very important to her to keep up. She idolizes Callum and wants to do everything he does. Her gross motor skills are strong--she can jump off the ground from a standing position and does it frequently; she can climb up the slide and ladder on our play structure; she can run and climb stairs and dance. I can only assume that she does all these things because she sees Callum do them, and whatever Callum (or "Cow-cow" as she calls him) does, she believes she can do too.

She continues to be a great eater, though slightly less willing to devour whatever is put in front of her than she was as a baby. She particularly loves all meat and fruit, and can eat endless amounts of lox and tangerines specifically. The only foods we've found that she doesn't like are mushrooms and watermelon. She is also not big on carbs, especially bread. She's basically the opposite of her brother when it comes to solid food, but they share their deep and abiding love of milk, and we've started limiting her intake a bit as well to be sure she continues to consume a variety of solid foods rather than filling up on calories from milk alone.

She's really into dolls, which she calls babies--she owns maybe eight or ten of them and always has to have one of them with her. She will carry armfuls of them around with her and she loves to play pretend with them--she puts them in the baby swing on the swingset in our yard, pushes them around in our toy stroller and shopping cart, puts them to bed under a dishtowel and then tells them "night night" while patting their butts, hugs them, and puts them in her high chair and pretends to feed them. She is big into imitating right now, and will hold a toy phone (or our actual phones, if she manages to grab them) to her ear and say "LO?" She has an independent streak and tries to brush her own teeth and comb her own hair. Speaking of hair, I feel confident enough to say that hers is definitively curly, and, well, I'm delighted.

She loves daycare, and talks about her teacher and all her little friends. She knows the drop-off routine and prompts us through each step of it each morning. Her teachers love her, and talk about how sweet and quiet she is at school, which is hilarious for us to hear because she's so not quiet at all when she's at home (though her teachers say this is very common). Every morning at drop-off she gets a giant smile on her face and gives Callum a huge hug when it's time to say goodbye. She gives me a hug too, but that special hug and smile are reserved entirely for her adored brother.

She loves to be outside. If one of us goes near the backdoor she comes running over asking, "ow-side? Ow-SIDE?" And she will full-on weep if we don't let her go out. She can happily spend all day out there, running around, playing with the water table and the sandbox, climbing the slide, trying to ride the tricycle, and playing with her dolls. If she's upset about something she can almost always be cheered up by being taken outside or for a walk. She is surprisingly good at independent play, and can play on her own with the play kitchen or many of her other toys for extended periods of time. She also loves the toys that are theoretically too old for her, like magformers and legos, and will spend ages playing with them. She sits in a booster at the table almost all of the time now, and pretty much never in her high chair--she desperately wants to be a big kid and man, she is getting close.

She is smart--she understands absolutely everything we say and responds to it, often catching us off-guard. She has very quickly figured out what certain things mean, and surprises us by reacting to things that we didn't even think she knew about. She comes up with clever ideas to try to get what she wants, such as announcing that she's hungry when she knows bedtime is coming in hopes of staving it off.

She is fiercely independent and wants to do everything Cow-cow can do, but she is very big into hugs and kisses (which she delivers with a loud smack), and loves to show us things and check in with us regularly. She is almost always happy and has a giant, room-lighting smile. She laughs constantly, never louder than when she and Callum are playing.

She is our affectionate, clever, feisty girl. We are so lucky.

Swimming, and sibling relationships

Yesterday was the kids' first pool day of the season and it was lovely. The pool is pretty much the hardest place to get photos because, you know, it's best to have your phone out of harm's way where nobody can drip all over it or drop it in the pool, and then there's also the small matter of supervising two active children near a body of water, and, well, the net sum is that photos at the pool are not a thing that happen for us, at least not very often.

So! I don't have visual documentation, but it was delightful. Last summer pool season started when Annika was about seven months old, and we had one of these for her, which was great for an infant but obviously wouldn't be at all useful for her now. We purchased a Puddle Jumper for Callum last year on the recommendation of pretty much the entire Internet, and that was wonderful--I know some people say they aren't helpful in teaching a kid how to swim because they create a false sense of safety and buoyancy, but we actually noticed that it really helped Callum, not to mention that it's pretty much necessary to have a flotation device on each child at the pool if they outnumber the adults. They had Puddle Jumpers at Costco for cheap a month or two back so I snapped one up for Annika and it was great.

Both kids were delighted with the water, and surprisingly fearless. Annika loved the freedom of the Puddle Jumper, and got annoyed when anyone tried to so much as hold her hand in the water. They both wanted the pool toys. And Callum made a friend and spent the whole morning playing with her. He was falling all over himself to tell us about it later, how he made a friend and they jumped into the water off the steps together and they played with diving sticks together and when she was afraid to go underwater to get the stick he went under and got it for her to help her, and oh, my big boy. I mean of course he's been in daycare or preschool for 2.5 years now, he has lots of friends, he gets along with other kids, he's not shy around them, he chats with strange kids at the park, but something about this particular scenario, I don't know, it just kills me. Last summer at the pool he was too young for that kind of instant friendship. He would interact with the other kids a little, but he was more interested in playing on his own or with us, or jumping in or going down the water slide. This year he's such a big, independent KID, making friends with other kids and spending hours playing with them, wholly on their own.

Also, Annika was NOT happy about Callum's new friend--she wanted to play with him herself. That's an interesting new element of their relationship that she's not had to experience before--of course he goes off to preschool without her and she spends time at home without him sometimes, but she hasn't really been in a situation where he was playing with a kid her own age and she couldn't really keep up. Even when he's had friends over for play dates, she's either run around with them or just happily done her own thing. This was the first time where they were participating in the same activity but she was essentially excluded. That is a feeling that I remember well from my own childhood as a younger sibling--my sister having friends over and me wanting to hang out with them but not being allowed, and feeling very wrong-footed about having our usual dynamic interrupted. Not that I blame my sister, or Callum, for that--it's totally normal and within bounds to want to hang out with your friends without your pesky little sister tagging along--but it's just sort of trippy to see a similar scenario playing out with your own kids.

Also, weirdly, it gives me some faith in the balance of the relationship between Annika and Callum. This is something that deserves its own post, and it's one that I am working on finding the right language to articulate, but  in sum: they have a great relationship, truly, to a surprising level, and they care for each other and they play well together and they clearly love each other, but sometimes Annika comes across as a little more dominant, somehow. Just a little feistier, a little less laid back, a little more willing to railroad than he is. And I think that's a good way for the dynamic to play out, that the younger one, the one who doesn't innately have the power of being the cool older bigger funner one, is willing to assert herself, and the older one is gentle and thoughtful--I think that will be good for their relationship in the long run but it was nice to see that sometimes Callum can assert his will too.

All this from a single trip to the pool! But I guess that's really where these moments happen, all the little pieces that make up their childhood and their relationship. There will be lots more pool days for these two this summer... I'm excited for them all.

Preschooler behavior chart

Callum has always been an easy child, relatively speaking. He's a rule follower by nature and he's quite risk-averse. He's never been a climber or a huge tantrumer or a backtalker or any of the other things that would have me running to one-click that book about raising spirited children that I frequently see recommended. Not to say that he doesn't have his moments, and he definitely has a strong personality and independent opinions, but overall, compared to most of his peers, I would definitely say he's been on the compliant side for pretty much his whole life. Our parenting challenges with him have been of a different sort--encouraging him to try new things, reassuring him that it's OK to fail, helping him learn to focus on trying and effort rather than just results. His natural tendency is to do only things that he already knows he's good at - he likes good results and immediate gratification. That's just who he is as a kid.

That said, these last few months have definitely been a little more challenging with him. In some ways it feels like we're being paid back for what was a relatively easy experience with age three, like he's only just now experimenting with some of the limit-testing and self-assertion that one typically expects from a three-year-old, except it's combined with a four-year-old level of intelligence, verbal skills, and independence.

I don't want to give the impression that he's some kind of problem child, or that most of our time spent with him isn't delightful, because truly, he is lovely, and honestly I think he's probably still closer to the well-behaved side of the spectrum... just maybe not AS close as he was and as a result it feels like a shock to us. He is thoughtful, sensitive, clever, sweet, affectionate and loving, an incredibly kind big brother, surprisingly hilarious, and a lot of fun almost all the time. But in the last few months there's been a lot more protesting, arguing, whining, and crying. A lot of negotiating on his part, a lot of extended protesting when he doesn't get what he wants, and a lot of resulting frustration on our parts. This does not lead to me being the best version of myself as a parent, and I know Torsten feels the same way.

But the problem is that because he's always been so easy, I feel like we as parents are behind the curve, so to speak, on how to deal with these very typical, age-appropriate behaviors, because we were insulated from them for so long through sheer coincidence. It's kind of like sleep--both our kids have been excellent sleepers right off the bat, and we never did anything specific to get them to be that way, so not only can we not take credit for it, but on those occasions when they DO have a sleep issue, we're completely clueless about how to handle it.

ANYWAY, all this is a really long-winded way of saying that hey, I have had the unique and revelatory idea of using a behavior chart for my four-year-old! I will pause now to receive the accolades and requests for paid parenting consultations once you've all had a moment to absorb the breadth of my ground-breaking new suggestion.

In seriousness, though, it did feel like we were kind of unprepared for this stage (especially from those people who promised us that age four would be EASIER than age three, which apparently it is? For many kids? But so far, not ours, alas) and as a result, our parenting of these moments has been very reactive. Lots of making a request kindly and lovingly the first couple times... then escalating into frustration and snapping when he doesn't comply. Lots of off-the-cuff threats of loss of privileges without any real kind of thought or philosophy behind it. And that needs to change.

Enter the behavior chart. Again, I know this is something that many parents use, and it seems that's for good reason: they work for most kids. And for Callum, who has a personality that responds very well to praise and rewards, it seems like a no-brainer.

So! I did some reading up on behavior charts (particularly this, this, and this) and while the sources of some of those are either unknown to me or someone I don't always agree with (*coughDrSearscough* and don't even get me started on the Dr. Sears stance on vaccines), I found that reading those helped me sort of crystallize my thoughts on why we want a behavior chart and how we'd like to implement one. Basically, I feel like this will help us be more consistent about setting limits and interacting with Callum when he's being challenging, while also helping us maintain a focus on the positive (which he responds really well to, like most/all kids). A clear chart that we're all familiar with will help ensure that expectations are clear and give us an easy motivator to use, rather than us casting about in the moment for some kind of carrot or stick to get him to do what we need, which frankly, in ad hoc moments of frustration, winds up being a stick more often than it is a carrot, and that is not how we prefer to parent.

As far as implementing the chart, we came up with a list of seven target behaviors to start with. We're starting with a weekly chart where he can earn a smiley face sticker for each behavior each day, and if he achieves a certain number (five is the target at the moment, but can be adjusted if it proves unattainable)) of smileys in a day, he gets a bigger sticker at the bottom for that day. If he gets a certain number (again, five for now, but we'll see how it plays out) of bigger stickers in a week, he can pick a reward such as getting to watch an episode of a TV show on a weekday (usually a no-no at our house), getting to select a casual restaurant for a meal out, or a new Lego set. We will adjust the behaviors over time to keep on track with current problem areas and also keep the chart fresh, but the initial behaviors we're starting with are:

• Putting on and taking off own shirt (Callum has a weird THING about his shirt where he finds it annoying to deal with and therefore insists that he can't do it and we need to do it for him)
• No whining/crying
• Feed the dog without reminder
• Eat dinner (Ellyn Satter would probably not approve but Callum's disinterest in eating is at such a point that I don't even care - this is a whole separate topic that deserves its own post)
• Be kind (I'm envisioning that this is sort of a freebie category where if he does something notably great, we can reward him with a sticker--but it may also play out that he just starts demanding stickers in this category nonstop, in which case this one may require some adjusting)
• Play nicely with Annika (he always does this anyway--he's GREAT with her--but we wanted some easy ones on there and plus of course this is a behavior we want to reinforce)
• No arguing at bedtime

So! We've been doing it for half a week now, and of course the novelty factor is in our favor, but so far, it's AWESOME. The first day took some adjustment, but he's figured it out pretty quickly, and honestly, this whole weekend he behaved like a dream. The second morning with the chart I gave him his shirt to put on and he started to whine, "But I can't -" and then before I could even say anything, he stopped mid-sentence and corrected himself and said, "I CAN do it." AND THEN HE DID IT. He's been eagerly helpful all weekend, and talking about what a good listener he is and how he can be so kind and helpful. And the thing is, actually, that a lot of the stuff he did this weekend, a huge chunk of his overall behavior, was actually not connected to the chart. I feel like we basically hit reset and snapped all of us out of a bit of a cycle of negativity. I really feel like it's helped Torsten and me focus on the positive instead of getting frustrated, and Callum is responding really well to that.

It isn't perfect yet--for one, he's already outsmarted us--when I encouraged him to eat his dinner the other day and reminded him about the sticker for that, he said, "But I'm not going to get that sticker and I'll just get all the other stickers and then I'll still have enough!" So at some point there's going to have to be some tweaking. And of course the novelty factor will wear off and I'm sure there will be some backsliding into old habits. But for now, we're off to a great start.

I definitely want to hear if any of you have tried this before, what's worked, what hasn't, if you have any tips for making it successful and sustainable, how you picked the behaviors, what reward system you used, etc. I will report back with a status update once we're a bit further into this!