Ten thousand bitter, bitter dollars

Last night I had a heinous headache. It was really awful and the only thing that made it even a little better was pressing my head against Torsten's side and pushing until he thought he'd crack a rib. Nothing else helped. Not the couch, not a pillow. It had to be his side.

Yeah, I don't know either.

I still feel fragile today like I'm recovering from it, and maybe that's why I'm noticing all these other things that are wrong, but hey, some of them are big enough to be noticed whether or not you're recovering from a massive headache.

Like oh, even though my insurance initially said they would pay for my surgery? Well, now they're saying they won't. There's a slim chance they'll change their minds and really, this topic needs a whole separate post, which I do not have the energy to write right now, so let's just say that the insurance company can screw themselves and the ten thousand dollars they're going to cost me.

And my mom is leaving today and I'm not thrilled about that either. I mean, not that I want her to move in with me but it feels like she just got here. And plus, now that she's leaving I don't have any more distractions/excuses not to unpack.

And the car is doing this weird thing sometimes right after we turn it on where when we brake for the first time, the brake doesn't really work and you have to push really hard like you're breaking past some kind of barrier before it works. As soon as you've done that once the brake starts working fine and it also doesn't do it every time, but we need to get it looked at and I do not have the energy to deal with that right now. And it's 400 miles past due for an oil change.

God damn it. Ten thousand dollars for medically necessary surgery that my insurance SHOULD COVER. Believe me when I say that I will fight this through the appeals process as hard as I can. But even if I win and someday get reimbursed, we still have to pony up $10k up front. Plus the credit card interest, because as shocking as it might be, we don't HAVE ten thousand dollars just lying around.

Pre-baby list

So, now that the surgery has a set date and the side effect of not allowing me to get pregnant for a year, the pregnancy thing has surprisingly become more concrete in my mind. I think it's because before it was like, oh, we'll start trying to get pregnant sometime, maybe in six months or a year or two years. Sometime in the future, whenever, you know?

But now it's like, OK, can't get pregnant for a year so does that mean I will try to get pregnant in a year? Probably. So what does that mean? Well, it means OMG WHAT DO YOU WE WANT TO DO PRE-BABY? Because we have a year to do it in. Plus however long it takes to actually get pregnant and, of course, the whole gestational period. But I figure that part will be more about getting ready for the baby and less about oh shit, we haven't gone on that road trip through Italy yet.

So now I am trying to remind myself of the thing that I also reminded myself of when I was getting married, which is that life does not end after the major event. We can still travel after there's a kid, either with the kid or on our own while it stays with one or the other set of grandparents. Things will be different, yes, mostly in a good way. Traveling will be harder and it will have mostly different goals. Many things in life will be that way. But life will still go on.

Still, there are pre-baby things that we'd like to do. And now that we have a bit of a timeline, we've started thinking of more of them.

1. I'd like to lose a good amount of weight. Surgery will help with this, obviously. But it will also be a lot of hard work, and a slow process. I'd like to get as much of it done as possible before getting pregnant.

2. We do want to go on a road trip through Italy. I'm not sure if this will be possible. We keep telling each other that we'll do that on our next trip to Germany, but on this trip to Germany we're not going anywhere, and on the next trip we'll probably also be going to my French host sister's wedding, and then on the trip after that? Well, there might be a baby already, although whether it's inside or outside of my body at that time is yet to be determined.

3. OMG so much house-related stuff. We want to deal with the yard, and do some room painting, and get a ton of furniture, and get a hot tub, and get some art, and do some deliberate decorating. And then, you know, sit around enjoying it.

4. Sleep late. I mean, I already do this when I want to, but I want to keep doing it. Indefinitely. Not like "sleep now because you won't sleep once the baby's here!" but like, OMG LET ME SLEEP. Because I want to sleep. And generally have time to myself.

5. Go to Japan. And Thailand. And Vietnam. And Kenya. And Tanzania. And South Africa. And Hawaii. And Costa Rica. This is totally feasible in a year, right?

6. Save a ton of money. Like, millions of dollars. This should be no problem to do, like, ever, much less in the next year. RIGHT?

7. Well, maybe we should downgrade our expectations somewhat. Like, instead of doing all the stuff we want to do to the house? Let's just shoot for getting everything unpacked.

8. Also in the downgrading expectations arena, instead of saving millions of dollars, how about just being able to, say, buy a crib? Or maybe we should spend our pennies on a stroller and just let the baby sleep in a dresser drawer.

Tuesday Retrospective! Let's talk bad decisions.

I have almost no regrets. I don't read much into that--I know some people think it means you're strong, or lucky, or perfectly happy in your life, and maybe all three of those things are true for me to some extent. But really I just think it's chaos theory. If you're miserable then maybe you'd have regrets because you'd wish to be in another place in your life, you know? But in my case I'm really happy with where I am so even if there are things that I would have done differently at the time, I wouldn't go back and change them because they helped me get to where I am today and be the person I am.

Still, I have definitely made some poor decisions in my life. Let's see. In no particular order:

1. Getting into a long-distance relationship with a camp boyfriend early in high school. We hardly knew each other, really. And what a waste of time and energy that was. Long distance is hard enough if you're really committed and have an end date for the distance, you know? But when you're 15 and have no idea if you'll ever be near each other, and know for sure that if you are it won't be for another four years? No, no, no.

2. Not traveling more when I was living in Africa. I wouldn't call this a bad decision exactly, because it was made more due to necessity than due to a lack of desire. I wanted to travel to countries in southern Africa and I was living in northwestern Africa, and that kind of trip wasn't easy or cheap, and I was a poor student. Still, though. It would have been great if I had found a way to make it work, because well, I was already there, I was independent, the timing was perfect. And now I'm dying to go to South Africa and Kenya and Tanzania. But hey, Torsten wants to go to those places too, and it will be fun to go with him.

3. OK, not to be superficial but in middle school I had this heinous pink sweatshirt that I wore Every. Single. Day. What was I thinking and why did my parents allow it? Although, it did work out well one year when we were supposed to write generic descriptions of friends we'd like to have, and then we looked at them all and matched up people who seemed to be looking for each other, and then it was unveiled who was who? And my best friend and I rigged it so that we'd be matched up, and one of the descriptors she used was the pink sweatshirt. We were STEALTHY, huh?

4. Not asserting myself more in high school. I went to the same tiny school my entire life, and by the time we got to high school everyone knew each other way too well, or at least thought they did. It was pretty hard to break out of the mold you'd settled in at the age of eight, and dating felt incestuous. By the time I was in high school there was all these different groups of friends and I didn't really fit into any of them, and I felt so AWKWARD about it. I didn't understand at the time that most people thought of me as "the smart one," or didn't think about me at all. I assumed that not thinking about me was the same as thinking bad things about me, when in reality I could have been a lot closer with multiple people if I had just MADE them think about me.

5. Not opening a high-yield savings account when I graduated from college and sold my car. I ended up spending a lot of that money because I wasn't really earning enough money to pay my expenses (ah, the joys of entry-level positions at DC nonprofits), even with 10 hours of babysitting a week. But in the meantime, before I spent it all, I could have made what would have amounted to quite a bit of spare cash at the time. It would have afforded me a few days off from babysitting, at the very least.

6. Relatedly, not studying more finance and economics in college. I've always been drawn to economics but I only took one econ class in college, and nothing on finance. But I do think all that stuff is so interesting, both micro and macro. And I absolutely love learning about economic markets, and especially emerging markets. I think it's so interesting to look at African economic markets, for example, and how people in Africa spend their money and how the fact that an incredibly large proportion of the population in most African countries are under the age of 15 impacts spending habits and overall economies. I find this stuff fascinating and intuitive and it would be nice to have a bit more of an academic or at least theoretical/historical perspective to apply to all of it.

7. OMG, speaking of bad fashion choices, wearing cut-off too-big men's shorts all summer when I was 14 or 15. And also, OVERALLS in middle school. I cringe just thinking about it.

What about you? Do you have regrets? Or at least poor decisions in your past?

Living the grown-up life

So, my mom is in town for a visit, which started off fabulously when I looked on the American Airlines website at 1 p.m. to see if her 3 p.m. flight was on time, only to discover that the 3 p.m. flight was actually a 1:15 p.m. flight, and we live half an hour from the airport. Awesomely, at the time Torsten was out running errands with the car, so I called him all in a panic being like, COME HOME RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND OMG.

Luckily, I made it to the airport only about ten minutes after my mom had found the baggage claim, and her bag had only just arrived when I got there, so it ended up not being an issue. And then we had a lovely weekend together, involving a walk with the dog in the park, bowling, sushi, grilling, a fire (in the fireplace), and ooooh SHOPPING LOTS OF SHOPPING. But all with gift cards. I only spent $10 in actual cash on myself. And I came home with a purple paring knife (even the BLADE is purple), two new king-size pillows, a king-size mattress pad, the CUTEST set of outdoor dinner plates, dryer balls, and purple clothes hangers. Plus a Christmas present for my mother and another for my father. Yes, I know it's April, but their birthday presents have already been dealt with for the year, and Christmas is the next real gift-giving holiday, and these things are perfect for them and will still be in December.

Ooo, and speaking of Christmas, we're trying to figure out a way to celebrate it here in Denver this year. I think we're going to be able to make it work. This is awesome because it means we only have to fly cross-country (and board the dog) once over the holidays, for Thanksgiving, and also because it means that we get to have a holiday in our house! Like it's a real house that real things happen in! And we get to host our first holiday like grown-ups! Hopefully by then we'll have our dining room set, but really, who knows, and the one we have now will do in a pinch.

I'm already thinking about hanging stockings over our fireplace, and where we'll set up the Christmas tree (in the bay window in the living room, I think)--and oo, it can be a big Christmas tree this year because it's a big house and we have room for it! And we can cook all the food in the kitchen, and Montana can experience her first family holiday, which I really think she'll like because it involves food and lots of people in the house and general hustle and bustle, which is interesting for a nosy dog like her to observe.

Of course, I shouldn't get too excited because the details haven't all been worked out yet, but oh, I think it's going to happen and I am quite excited. And it's great having my mom here and I can't wait to have more guests. Because we have ROOM for them! No air mattresses or giving up office space or living room space so that the guests can sleep. And she can have privacy! And her own bathroom. Oh, it's like we're GROWN-UPS or something. I can't even deal.

Useless tiny wood racks

Well, you want to know a cure for feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because you have so much to do in your new house? Turns out, starting to do the stuff on your list is the best method. Yesterday, Torsten put together the wheelbarrow, the wood rack, and the grill, while I unpacked. I cleaned a lot of boxes out of the bedroom, arranged and organized the entire linen closet, and started working on the kitchen.

And now, even though there's SO MUCH MORE to do, I feel so much better. And whenever I start to feel daunted, I just think of all those neatly organized piles of towels and sheets and it makes me feel better. And also,m I can take a look at the bedroom floor, because it is now visible, and that is very exciting. Maybe I'm crazy, but oh yeah, this is how I do everything in my life... one thing at a time. Sometimes it's better to ignore the forest for the trees.

We're pissed about the wood rack, though. The fireplace store we went to was weird... their prices were all different than the stuff that was labeled, and then they didn't have the stuff they sold us, and they tried to sub more expensive stuff, and then they sold us the floor model of the fireplace tools we wanted, and it turned out that the stand was all crooked and unstable and the handles were rusted and we have to return it. So that's one thing. And everything took forever and was weird and confusing, and annoying. Basically none of the employees knew anything and they all said conflicting things and it took us forever to get out of there.

But the more obnoxious thing is that they told us that the wood rack we bought was the right size to hold half a cord of wood, and we ordered a whole cord of wood, so we figured we'd fill the rack and then see about maybe getting a second rack. So, we filled the first rack... in about three minutes. With maybe a tenth of our cord of wood. And that's only because we stacked it way higher than it was supposed to be stacked.

So basically, half a cord of wood, MY ASS. And we don't have ROOM in our yard for ten wood racks. I mean, we DO, but only if we want to turn our entire YARD into a firewood storage facility.

So, we stacked some of the wood on the side patio, but I'd say there's still about two-thirds of a cord of wood hanging out in our driveway, looking unpleasant and blocking one of the garage doors, and I don't know what to do about it. We may go buy a big board and put it in the side yard and try to stack the rest of the wood on that.

But still, I'm pissed at those lying fireplace store people. And I intend to tell them so, when we go back to return those crappy fireplace tools.

On another note, I'm three quarters of the way through Dooce's book, and I'm really disappointed to say this, but I'm not loving it, like, at all. So please, go read about why, and tell me if you agree.

Happy weekend, everyone! Maybe by Monday our whole kitchen will be unpacked and organized. And that will make me very happy.

Wants and not-wants

I was reading Semi-desperate Housewife's Fuck It List, and it got me thinking about things I don't care about, but also about things I do care about. Because there are a lot of things that I want, and thinking about what I don't want only reminds me of what I do want. So, here's my bucket/fuck-it list, except that they aren't all things I do or don't want to do before I die.

Want: A beautiful, well-designed, nicely landscaped yard. With a water feature. And fruit trees.
Don't want: To do the work myself. I just don't see myself ever getting into gardening. I kill everything that grows under my care. Including cacti. The only plant that I've ever managed to keep alive for any extended period of time is an orchid that I left behind in my sister's care when we moved to Colorado.

Want: Kids. Two of them, I think. Preferably first a boy and then a girl, but I can be flexible on this.
Don't want: Twins (or triplets, etc.). Dear god, please save me from multiples. I do not have the stress management skills to cope. (And, if I do have twins, please don't let them read this. Or, if they do, please don't let them take it personally.)

Want: To travel. A lot. To everywhere. I want to go to South Africa, and maybe on a safari. I want to go nearly everywhere in Asia, especially Japan and Thailand. I want to go on a cruise to Antarctica. I want to go to Australia and New Zealand. I want to go to Brazil and Argentina and Panama. I want to visit more of Europe. I want to go EVERYWHERE.
Don't want: To have to fly to get there. I am so over flying. It's expensive, frustrating, stressful, and uncomfortable. Ugh. Perhaps I shouldn't have moved outside of driving distance of nearly everyone I care about, huh?

Want: A hot tub. So comfortable. So relaxing. So romantic. The Colorado climate is perfect for a hot tub. Our yard even already has a hot tub foundation built in. This WILL happen.
Don't want: A swimming pool. I had one growing up, and while it was definitely fun, I don't miss it. It was a lot of work, and expensive, and also (obviously) dominated the back yard. I'll stick with the lap pool and water aerobics classes at the gym.

Want: To continue in my current job for a long time. I love the work that I do and the people that I work with, and I love working from home
Don't want: To have to get up early to start working. I want to sleep late. And by late I mean "until nine," which would have the college-age me cringing in horror, as I regularly skipped my 9 a.m. classes because they were just so early. And was lucky if I dragged myself out of bed before noon. Ah, how times have changed.

Want: The house to be all pretty and unpacked and nicely arranged. With lovely furniture.
Don't want: To make the house all pretty, do the unpacking, and arrange everything. Or pay for the furniture.

Want: To try new things that interest me, like snowshoeing and exotic cooking and, I don't know, raising children.
Don't want: To try new things for the sake of trying them, like skydiving or climbing Mt. Everest. I mean, not that I could do the latter, but I don't lament that fact at all.

Want: To be able to accessorize without feeling like an idiot.
Don't want: To learn how to walk in killer heels. I'm fine in my flats and kitten heels and low wedges, thanks.

What about you? What do you want or not want?

10 years since Columbine

Monday was the ten-year anniversary of the shootings at Columbine high school in Littleton, not far from where we live in Denver. I'm sure that the coverage has been nationwide, but obviously since this was a local tragedy, the coverage here has been pretty dense. Some of it I find distasteful; I never like footage of sobbing, distraught people because I find it invasive and manipulative, and to re-air such terrible footage ten years down the line only shows that such footage does not improve with time.

But it has definitely been an eye-opening experience for me, to see how this community has handled such a tragedy. They say that everyone remembers where they were when they found out about the shootings, but that's not true for me. I have a vague memory of where I was when I found out, but I think it's wrong because the memory I have is of my middle school and the shootings took place in 1999, when I was in high school.

Still, I do remember being very upset about it, all the more so because it was my peers who were affected; high school kids just like me. It was not difficult to make the transfer and imagine that the shootings had taken place at my high school instead of another; seeing people my own age on the news, reading about people my own age being shot... well, it was easy to relate.

I recently finished a book that I loved, The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb, a novel that focuses on a couple who both worked at Columbine High School and how they were affected by the shootings over the next ten years. The book is fascinating, and may be my favorite of Wally Lamb's books, though I love them all.

One thing that it touched on was the fury toward the two shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris. The refusal to acknowledge that when they turned their guns on themselves, their lives were lost too. That although they committed a heinous act, they too were victims. That, especially, their families were victims.

I can understand that attitude, and never having been in the position of having someone I love killed by another person, I don't know how I would react in that situation. But certainly if your child has been shot in cold blood, and at school, a place that's supposed to be safe--well, I doubt you'd have much sympathy for the killers. Especially right after the event.

But still, it makes me sad that ten years later, the victim count is at 13, not 15. That the two killers weren't named at any memorial services. That a woman carrying a sign asking that all 15 victims be remembered was asked to leave the memorial service.

In my opinion, anyone who is depraved enough to want to end the lives of innocent people around them... that person has a problem. A serious problem, one much bigger than himself. One that he is most likely not equipped to deal with on his own. That person is, in a different way from those people that he killed, a victim. A victim whose life ended prematurely, even if he chose to end it while his victims did not have that same choice.

And more than the killers themselves, the families of the shooters are victims. They, along with the other parents, lost their children. But unlike those other parents, they have no sympathy. They can't look back and say, Oh, I had a wonderful, beautiful, loving child who was struck down too young through no fault of his own. Instead, they have to live with guilt and horror, with questions, wondering how they managed not to see the signs, wondering if they could have done anything to prevent this from happening, wondering how they could have raised a child who would grow up to do something so terrible.

And they have no public sympathy, no support. The community is not willing to acknowledge their losses, their dilemmas. A local priest lost his job after performing a service for Dylan Klebold at the request of his father. Who is there for those families? And who is pointing fingers and making their ordeal worse, even ten years later?

But maybe I'm the only one to feel this way. Maybe it would just make all those memorial services more painful for the families of those who were killed, maybe even ten years later the community is just too close to the situation to be able to acknowledge that those who wrought the violence were victims themselves, and that their families continue to be victims. Maybe people really do believe that those two killers' actions were the result of some sort of fault or negligence on the part of their families.

What do you think? Should the killers and their families be acknowledged in these memorial services, these ways of remembering those who lost their lives or whose lives were forever altered that day?

Exhaustion

I am tired. This weekend was relaxing in pretty much no way, and now it's the workweek again and oh, god.

There are boxes everywhere and while THINKING about how nice it will be when everything is put away and the boxes are gone is lovely, the idea of actually DOING everything required to make that happen is very daunting. The couch is set up, and we have a mattress to sleep on, and desks to work on... so really, is it so bad to spend our lives surrounded by boxes? At least there's room in this lovely house for all of them to sit around and still leave room for us to walk.

Our king size mattress arrived yesterday, and oh, the sleep that I had on it was glorious. I could spread out my elbows without stabbing Torsten in the back! I could sprawl semi-diagonally without pushing one or both of us to the edge of the bed! Oh, it was amazing. And I was so tired, I needed it.

And actually, I find it easier to wake up in this house, I think because it's so much sunnier. It's just so cheerful. And I am trying to focus on things like that, like the amazingness of the house and the beauty of the yard and oh, the windows and the kitchen and the basement and the garage and the lovely floors and the brand new washer and dryer that we got for a great price.

Because if I don't focus on that great stuff, then I start thinking about all the nitpicky little things that we need to deal with. Not just the big stuff like, um, replacing the siding? But like, a lot of the doors don't have doorstops, and a couple of the bathrooms don't have towel racks, and we can't just put them up because we don't know where the studs are, so we need to hire a handyman to install them, but first we need to buy them.

And a couple of the bathrooms also don't have toilet paper holders, so we went to Lowe's and bought the little stand holders, but we still need to put them together. And one of the bathrooms doesn't have a shower curtain rod, so we need to figure that situation out. But it hardly matters because our shower curtains are still hanging in the bathrooms at our old apartment.

And speaking of which, we brought over most of our dry food but we have yet to transfer the contents of our refrigerator, so we have basically nothing with which to make a reasonable meal in our house. But by the time we're done with work and walking the dog and maybe unpacking a bit and also dealing with a ton of logistical stuff like coordinating eight thousand deliveries, ordering firewood (oh and we still have to assemble the wood rack and preferably soon, because there's a cord of wood lying in our driveway right now), changing our address with everyone and their mom's boyfriend's dog, and running an errand (usually to Lowe's, because OMG they have everything we need, if only we could afford it all, but tonight I think we'll mix it up and go to Bed Bath & Beyond instead)... well, the planned trip to the apartment to haul a bunch of leftover stuff up and down the stairs is pretty much the least appealing thing either of us can envision.

And the grill we ordered arrived, but it has to be assembled, even though Lowe's would have done that for free, because if they had done it for free then it wouldn't have fit in our car and we would have had to pay $80 for them to deliver it, and that just didn't seem worth it. And we need to get some blinds for a couple of windows because the ones we have are basically worthless--they let 90% of the light through--so that will involve measuring and ordering and the spending of more money.

Do you see why I'm exhausted? And thinking about my to-do list is NOT helping me relax. So instead, we'll think about the CSA share we just purchased. The first box of produce arrives tomorrow.

Comedy of errors

Well. We're all moved into our house, and that's the most important thing, right? So it doesn't matter that on the weekend that we were moving, and my best friend was visiting, we got a foot of snow? Right?

Here's how it went. My bff arrived late on Thursday night, and on Friday we went out for lunch and shopping. It was raining, and while we were out it started snowing, so then we had a rather harrowing drive home, after which we decided not to go out again.

So, what did she see of Denver on Friday? The inside of the shopping mall and the inside of our apartment. And the charming Chinese food delivery guy, who braved the snow to bring us our dinner. She didn't even get a mountain view, because the clouds were blocking it.

On Saturday we woke up and there was bright light streaming through the blinds. Sun! I thought, and yanked open the blinds--to see that the light was just daylight reflecting off the snow, and that big flakes were still coming down. So, we waited out the morning and finally the snow changed to rain and we trekked through the mostly plowed streets to the house to wait for the Comcast guy to come set up our internet so we could work starting today. And we moved boxes. And we ran errands. 

Oh, but did I mention that the driveway and several feet of the street were covered with a foot of snow? And there were about five inches of icy water creating a moat around the house? So basically, Torsten and I are still both recovering from hypothermia in our toes, and our shoes may never be the same.

All while my bff hung out with another friend of hers for four hours. Did I mention that she didn't even get lunch until 3 p.m.? Or that that was especially ironic given that she had JUST the previous day told me this story of how she almost fainted on her birthday because she was with her mother, who didn't think of having lunch until 3 p.m.?

So yeah, the two hours of errands we planned took more like five, altogether, which was, you know, awesome. Then we went for sushi, which was delicious, but when we went for our planned bowling excursion, there was a long wait. So we got ice cream, went home, and decided to play a board game. Except they were all packed, and despite opening all the boxes, we couldn't find them. So, we went to bed. We are SUCH party animals.

Oh, and also? The movers called and said they wanted to come at 9 a.m. instead of 3 p.m. on Sunday. I said no, and we compromised on noon. So then my bff thought OK, maybe it would make more sense to take an earlier flight home, so we drove half an hour to the airport, only to find out that Frontier doesn't do standby and the earlier flight was full, despite what it was showing on the website. 

So, we drove half an hour back to the apartment and walked the dog for an hour while the movers put everything in the truck. Then we went with them to the house, where Torsten supervised while my bff and I went out to lunch. It was this highly recommended breakfast-y place, and while it was good, it was this crappy looking diner in the middle of nowhere. When we got there (AGAIN at 3 o'clock), it looked so dismal that we had to laugh. Because otherwise we would have cried.

So, yeah. Not exactly the fun weekend we had planned, and I felt terrible about it. But we did get to spend time together, which was great, and we did get moved into our house, which is AWESOME. I'm still not quite in the mood to look back and laugh about what a disaster it all was. I think I need a few more months before I have that type of perspective. 

But hey, here we are in our house. And we're hoping to visit my bff in San Francisco in a few months. And we're looking into renting a cabin in the mountains with her and her boyfriend--kind of a weekend double date. Which will be awesome. Because nobody will be moving. And if it snows, that will kind of be the POINT.

Our house

OH HI WE HAVE A HOUSE. It's ours--officially! We have handed over nearly the entire contents of our savings account and in exchange, we have a lovely, beautiful house. We closed yesterday afternoon.

Actually, it was kind of awesome. We aren't really looking at this as an investment property--obviously it would be nice if there were a good return on it if and when we sell, but the point is that we want a lovely home we can raise our family in, for a price we can afford, and that's exactly what we've found.

So, at the closing we met the seller, and that was really interesting. He was a nice guy, retired from working in the technology sector and now buying affordable real estate and fixing it up to sell. It was really interesting to hear his perspective on the real estate market in Denver. He concurred with what we've heard from our real estate agent, his real estate agent, and our mortgage broker--that this is the perfect time to buy in Denver because the market is bottoming out.

I have no idea if that's true, and honestly, I don't care. It would be nice if we made a profit someday, as I said, but we weren't looking to get the absolute best deal we possibly could. We aren't trying to play some kind of game. We were lucky to be ready to buy during a time when the market was slow. The market definitely affected our game plan--it's the reason why we didn't look for a starter home. But since we plan to stay in this house until well after the mortgage is paid off, it doesn't matter to us if it gains value.

Even if the estimated value drops to below what we paid, it doesn't matter--because the house is worth what we paid to us. It has everything we were looking for at a price we can afford. If we do end up selling at a loss--and I don't think that will happen because by the time we plan to sell the economy and market will have gone through several ups and downs and, if nothing else, inflation will have caused the value to rise--then so it goes. It was still a worthwhile investment for us. Especially once we have our mortgage paid off and then we can live rent free and only pay tax and insurance. And maintenance.

Still, it was definitely interesting to see the seller's attitude--that he makes a profit on most of his houses but this one was purchased at the exact wrong time from his perspective, and the exact right time from ours. He was sort of grimly resigned to the fact that he had to write this property off as a loss, but he was very nice about it and said multiple times that he was really glad he was selling to a couple that really loved the house and that his hope had always been for a nice family to move into that house. He was definitely classy about the whole thing, and I think he was relieved to have the empty property off his hands.

Also, I don't think he took a loss. I mean, he bought the house about a year ago, but he bought it in foreclosure and got a great deal on it. He did extensive renovations but even still, I don't think the cost adds up to what we paid for the house. Of course, that's not factoring in the time he spent and the money he had sunk into the house and the interest he was paying on his own mortgage. So, definitely not the profit-making machine that some of his property investments have been, but not a total loss, either. Most likely somewhere near a wash.

So, let's call that a win-win! We move in TWO DAYS.

Doggie quirks

Today marks the six-week anniversary of the day we brought Montana home. Opinions vary, but a lot of people have told us that it takes rescue dogs a little over a month to really settle in and become comfortable in their new homes. We have definitely seen signs of that with her.

When we got her, she had spent about ten weeks in the prison program, working with four different inmate handlers. Before that, she spent a short period of time with a puppy mill rescue program. And before that, it's anybody's guess. She's not purebred, so it seems unlikely that she was used for breeding in a puppy mill, but you never know--and certainly she had never before been in a stable, loving home. She's three or four years old. When she came to the prison program, she was timid, hesitant, and not spayed. She did not know how to act around people or other dogs. She refused to play with or even look at toys and balls. She was defensive and would never put herself in a vulnerable position.

When we got her, she had made improvements but she still displayed a lot of those characteristics. Over the past six weeks, she has learned to relax, to play with other dogs, and to even play with the occasional toy. She has learned to bark and generally verbalize, and she has learned not to be so clingy. She will even willingly roll on her back to have her tummy scratched. She is a lot more sure of herself now, and she is definitely coming out of her shell.

Still, she definitely has some bizarre habits/quirks remaining. Some of them we are certainly hoping will fade with time. Others I would cry if she lost, because they are just so damn cute.

• People, especially Torsten and me, are the most important thing to her. We come before food, before peeing, before playing. She needs lots of reassurance and lots of love.
• She is a total nuzzler. She likes to rub her face against us, anywhere she can reach--legs, stomach, whatever. When she gets in her dog bed she will usually bury her face in the pillowy side and roll all around.
• She likes to know what's going on at all times. She loves to sit on the balcony, checking out everything that's going on in all directions. If she were a person, her favorite pastime would involve sitting in sidewalk cafes, people-watching.
• She will not eat right away, and not at all if we stand there and watch her. When we put down her food, we have to walk away and ignore her--turning on the TV or picking up a book works best. Still, she will sit there watching us for a minute or two before she starts to eat. If we look over, we can see her big eyes, dark in her white face with her giant ears framing them, peering at us from over the trash can.
• She has a serious lack of mouth coordination. On the rare occasions when we can get her to fetch (and that's been three times so far, so an average of once every two weeks), it takes her several times to figure out how to pick the ball up without dropping it again.
• Similarly, she doesn't seem to know how to chew big things. She is very interested in large treats such as peanut butter-flavored nylabones, cow's ears, and rawhide bones. She will sniff them and sometimes lick them. But she does not understand how to put them in her mouth and chew them. If you break off a small piece of whatever large thing you're offering her, she will eat it, but this still does not teach her that she can have more of the same if she'll just chew on the big thing itself.
• She likes to hoard treats. A couple times we've given her treats and she's walked down the hall with them, only to return quickly without them. We searched all over and couldn't find them, but as we've been packing up we've discovered a couple things buried in the corners of closets. So far, we have not seen her ever go back to something she's hidden and eat it later.
• This makes me think that she would be the total bone-burying type. If only she could figure out how to pick up the damn bone with her mouth.
• She never barks, ever, unless she wants to play with another dog. She is very verbal, though, and makes a variety of adorable throaty noises. She also snores sometimes.
• She is verrrrrry interested in chocolate, which is scary because chocolate is lethal for dogs. She has already chewed up a couple of wrappers that had once contained chocolate, and snurfled a couple of tiny chocolate crumbs off the floor. So we have to be very vigilant.
• She's pretty much the cutest dog in the world, ever.

I can't believe it's only been six weeks since we got her. It feels like she's always been in our lives. She makes everything better. She is the perfect dog.

Here, watch her fetch. I'm so glad we took this video because sometimes I need to remind myself that yes, every now and then, she WILL chase a ball.

Why Jewish holidays matter to me

OK, I think I need to elaborate a bit on the whole religious holiday thing from yesterday. A lot of people wondered why, if we're not religious, we would choose to celebrate holidays of a specific religion. Why not just create our own traditions and "holidays"? And I think that's a totally reasonable question. But here's the thing. I don't see it as an either/or. I fully intend to create traditions and family gatherings that have nothing to do with any specific holiday, religious or otherwise.

But even though I don't relate to the religious aspects of my Jewish heritage, I do relate to the cultural aspects. And one thing that I didn't make clear in the rather flippant way that I discussed this yesterday is that I do want to pass that culture on to our kids. And I do want our kids to know about different religions, and the traditions associated with them, and know that if at some point they find a particular religion, whether it's one of our ancestral religions or not, that speaks to them, that will be totally OK and we will be supportive. I don't want our kids to be in the dark about religion.

But, the flip side of not being religious but still identifying culturally as Jewish is that yeah, I do think that I can, to a certain extent, pick and choose which aspects of Judaism I want to embrace and celebrate with my kids. If there's a holiday that I know nothing about, and don't identify with, and don't feel compelled to celebrate with my kids, then I won't, and that's OK, the same way that not every Christian family celebrates the Epiphany, for example. I don't feel compelled by any religious standards to adhere to every tenet of the Jewish religion. But I do want my kids to grow up with some understanding of Jewish culture, and to participate in traditions and rituals that other Jewish people also participate in.

The other thing is that yeah, I was being flip when I referred to Passover as a special Jewish Thanksgiving. I mean, I love Thanksgiving as a holiday and I think that it encourages positive behaviors--a day of rest, a day of gathering, a day of making an effort to be with those we care about, a day to sit back and take stock in all the good things we have going on in our lives. I see no problem with celebrating Passover similarly, or with drawing the comparison.

But, when I made that comparison, I didn't mean that I was going to announce, "Hey! It's Passover! Let's all spend awhile stuffing ourselves full of food we don't eat very often!" and leave it at that. I was not raised religious but I still learned the story of Chanukah, and understood the gist of what I was singing in the blessings, even though I don't speak Hebrew. Similarly, I think it's entirely possible to share the background behind the holidays, discuss the stories and the reasons why we're observing the holiday together, talk about the different ways that different people celebrate those holidays, explain what a seder is and where it came from--but not necessarily spend a day analyzing religious texts. We can have a Sabbath dinner and talk about its origins and the meaning of the day of rest--without incorporating the Torah.

I don't mean for this to be offensive for people who are religious and who do feel that there is a certain way that holidays should be celebrated. I personally do not feel that way. But I do feel that being Jewish has to do with a lot more than just your religion. And I like that culture, that solidarity. I think the shared history, good and bad, is something that you can't escape and something that I don't want to escape. It's something that I want to share with my own kids in a way that I feel comfortable with, in a way that feels right for us, even if it isn't the way that other people choose to share that same background with their own kids.

So yeah. Non-religious family traditions like game night and celebrating milestones and all the rest? Absolutely. But I do want to raise my kids knowing a bit about what it means to be Jewish in a non-religious sense, and knowing about many religions as faiths that exist and options that may call to them. And I don't see a problem with observing those holidays, both Christian and Jewish, in a way that fits our family.

Celebrating holidays with kids

Yesterday I was reading Nilsa's post about her Passover and Easter celebrations, and I wrote a comment about this, and then I realized I wanted to talk about it more in depth, so now I'm going to turn it into a post.

Growing up with a Jewish mother and an Anglican father, both of whom were decidedly non-religious, the religious holidays we celebrated were Easter, Christmas, and Chanukah. All three were very non-religious. Easter was pretty much just about the candy--I don't remember fancy family dinners or anything, just the bunny and the egg hunt in the morning. Chanukah involved gifts, but the part that really stood out for me was the lighting of the menorah and the singing of the blessings. And the focus of Christmas was pretty evenly divided between gifts and a big family dinner.

Torsten grew up with Christian parents, one Catholic and one Protestant, but neither devout. They celebrated Christmas and Easter. No Jewish holidays, obviously.

We will definitely celebrate Christmas with our own kids, and Easter too, at least when they're little--though I'd like to involve a big family dinner and not just an egg hunt. I also want to celebrate Chanukah but I don't know the blessings and am a terrible singer, so I think I will leave it to my mother to teach the blessing to our kids.

But then there are other Jewish holidays and traditions that we'd like to incorporate into our kids' lives, even though neither of us is religious at all. I always felt a little awkward about only celebrating Chanukah, which is actually a minor Jewish holiday and really has only gained prominence because of its proximity to Christmas, as far as I can tell. Yom Kippur is the most important of the Jewish holidays, but it's a somber holiday requiring repenting and, traditionally, fasting, and I have to say that I'm not really interested in celebrating that with my kids.

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year, which is nice, but as far as I can tell it just involves a day of rest, which is not the kind of thing that your kids will really remember fondly, you know? And there aren't many other Jewish holidays that I even know about.

So, that leaves Passover. I've participated in seders before, and I think they're really fun and memorable and exactly the kind of tradition I'd like to build with my own kids. Not so much the religious aspects, namely the studying of the Haggadah, but the big, long meal with friends and family and very specific food and drink associated with it. Basically, like special Jewish Thanksgiving. I like that. And I think we'll try to do that when we have kids.

But the other thing that Torsten brought up, that I thought was really lovely, was the idea of the Sabbath dinner every Friday night. He has a close Jewish friend with whom he lived for a few months, and they always had Sabbath dinner on Friday nights, and it's something that he remembers very fondly. It was a time for people to put the stress in their lives aside and just sit down and have a relaxed, peaceful dinner. It was a time to eat good food, forget about the work week, and catch up with people that you might not get to see as much as you like. I am definitely on board with that.

But what I'm wondering is, who will we have Sabbath dinner with? Maybe we'll make friends with our neighbors, or maybe meet some parents when we have kids of our own? Because right now we really don't know many people in Denver, and while so far that hasn't bothered me, it does make me a little sad to think that I would hardly know who to invite if we were to host a Sabbath dinner. And they don't necessarily have to be Jewish, either.

But I suppose that will come with time. And in the meantime, I can teach myself to make matzoh balls, or something. Or focus on saving enough money to buy a dining room table up to the task of holding Sabbath dinner to begin with.

What about you? What holidays did you celebrate growing up? And which do/will you celebrate with your own kids?

Furniture and home ownership costs

This weekend we did our first real furniture shopping. We started with a bed. We wanted to upgrade to a king-size bed, and also free up our current queen-size bed to use in the guest room. Torsten, being European and also having high-end taste, really wanted a latex mattress--those are very uncommon here in the US but more popular in Europe. However, they also cost a lot more than standard spring mattresses, so it's definitely a trade-off.

Still, after discussion we decided to go for it, because they are SO comfortable (and I agree with that after trying out Torsten's mattress in Germany), and they also last longer than spring mattresses so the added cost isn't as bad as it seems up front. So we began doing research into latex mattresses, and feeling more and more frustrated because they are all just SO expensive.

But THEN! We went into a mattress store to see a latex mattress that we'd found on their website. And it turns out, they're discontinuing it. But they had one left. In the king size. On clearance for half off. AND it was already a much more reasonable price than the other latex mattresses we'd looked at. It was an incredible bargain. And really comfy.

So, it's being delivered the day we move into the new house, which will be this Sunday. And THEN, having freed up some space in our budget by finding this amazing deal, we went looking for a bed frame. We found one we both liked, but then we could NOT agree on a wood. I liked the darker one, but Torsten felt that with the darkness of the hardwood floors, it would be too somber. He liked the more natural, lighter wood but I found it kind of childish looking and also thought it might clash with the floors.

So, we discussed with the salesperson and decided to look at some metal frames as well. And immediately found one we loved, for a good $400 less than the wood frame we'd originally selected. It will also be delivered shortly after we move in. It's made out of natural steel, and looks like this:


We just both love it. It's simple, it's pretty, it's sturdy and should last forever. It's a little edgy and different without being over the top. And it's versatile--it means we don't have to worry about finding nightstands and a dresser that match perfectly, once we get to that point.

We also bought some patio chairs, and picked out our future dining room table and chairs, which we'll buy once we've spent a few months replenishing our savings account a bit. I posted photos of all those things over on my Tumblr design blog.

And oooh, I'm totally understanding how buying a house makes you poor. We have a lot of expenses coming up. I mean, other than the obvious down payment and closing costs, plus homeowners insurance, property tax, title insurance, and the new monthly mortgage payments. We've already paid for the house and sewer inspections, and there are a few repairs we need to make to the house that we didn't ask the seller to pay for in the inspection objection.

Then there's the cost of moving, the lease-breaking penalty for our apartment (which we knew about when we signed the lease, and pretty much expected to pay, and consider reasonable, but it's still an added cost), and so many things we need to start up. Not just furniture but, like, firewood for the fireplaces--and a rack to hold it in. A washer and dryer. A microwave. A lawn mower and a snow blower. Garden tools. Trees, and the associated planting, which we would like to do as soon as possible because trees take so long to grow. Luckily the house comes with a really nice refrigerator, so that's a cost we're spared. But all that other stuff really adds up.

And that's just the basic stuff. I can totally understand how people go broke furnishing their houses, because once you've finally saved up some money after paying for all the basic stuff (and that's not counting the routine stuff that will continually go wrong and cost you money, like plumbing issues or gutter cleaning or what have you, basically whatever we renters are used to just calling the landlord to deal with instead of shelling out cold, hard cash to have it fixed), it's so tempting to spend all your hard-earned savings on lots of extras that you don't need but that would be so nice to have.

Like a hot tub. And fancy armchairs. And nice shelving. And rugs. And ART, oh god we haven't even THOUGHT about wall decor yet. And landscaping. And there are all sorts of repairs that aren't necessary but that would be nice to make--like cutting out the current driveway and repouring the cement at a gentler grade so that we don't have to worry about scraping our car on the ground every time we go in or out.

I mean, seriously, we could spend all of our money forever continually doing things to upgrade the house and the lot and the furniture. I could literally envision just upgrading forever, never having a good retirement account or money to subsidize kids' college educations. This is why you have to do things slowly. And draw the line somewhere. It's so tempting to just enter into massive debt to have a huge, fancy palace right away. But there is just no need to do that.

So for now, we'll be happy with our bed and our patio furniture, and the rest will just have to come with time.

House planning

It's starting to hit me that in a week we will have a house. A HOUSE. Where we will really build our lives together. Where we can create a space that we really love. Where our kids will start their lives. Where it's not temporary and we aren't constantly thinking of what we'll do differently the next time we move. This will be the house our kids grow up in.

There will be neighbors and this time I really want to get to know them. I've already talked to one of them on the phone and she was really nice--she and her husband have two kids, ages 5 and 2, and another one due in July. I'm already planning to bring over some sort of meal when the baby is born because I figure the last thing they'll want to do is cook. And by then we'll be NEIGHBORS. Real ones! And if we have a baby in a couple years, then their youngest will only be a couple years older than our oldest. They can play together!

And there are so many DETAILS. I mean, yes we have to get a ton of furniture, and that will be fun. But we also need to plant trees, and figure out if we want some sort of water feature to help block the highway noise (and, by the way, if we do install a waterfall, like most landscaped water features, it will use recirculated water--so it will not be a huge drain of natural resources). And figure out if we want fruit trees? And a vegetable garden? And ooooh daffodils, and what purple flowers grow well in Colorado?

And we're going to get a grill, and some patio furniture. This will be perfect post-surgery--grilled lean meat and vegetables are an excellent post-surgery diet, and I can just eat that all summer. Plus it means Torsten will be in charge of cooking--so I can finish work and go to the gym while he prepares the grill so we can eat when I get home. It's perfect!

And the two fireplaces! We have to get fireplace tools and order wood. And buy a rack to store the wood in. And a tarp to cover it with.

And maybe a dog door? Montana loves being able to go in and out as she pleases, as we have learned when we leave the balcony door open, and with our offices being upstairs in the spare bedrooms, it will be a pain in the ass if we have to keep going up and down the stairs to let her in and out when we're trying to work.

Oh, and the house doesn't have a mailbox, it has a mail slot next to the door. I didn't think those were still in use, but apparently they are, so we need to get a little table to put under it so that Montana doesn't come across mail lying on the floor and think it's fair game.

Basically there's a million things to do because we're about to be LIVING IN OUR HOUSE. But I LOVE this type of stuff, and even more because it's FOR OUR HOUSE. I'm sorry, did I mention that we're ABOUT TO HAVE A HOUSE? And that the house is PERFECT? Because we are, and it is. I want to go drive by the house RIGHT THIS SECOND, just to visit and say hello. But I will restrain myself, because soon enough we'll be LIVING THERE.

Eating and pregnancy after surgery

A couple of you asked some good questions about how things like eating and being pregnant work after having lap-band surgery. Obviously, having not done it yet, I can't speak from experience, but I can tell you that I asked the surgeon and nutritionist all of those questions as well and they gave me some very useful responses.

As far as the eating goes, with the lap-band surgery you sort of pare down what you eat gradually. So once I've recovered from the surgery I'll probably be eating about a cup and a half of food at every meal. As they start to fill the band and tighten the restriction, that amount will be reduced until it ultimately settles at about 3/4 to 1 cup of food at every meal.

And by the way, since this was a question I had about the fill--the way it works is that there's a little port that's connected to the pouches on your band. The port is attached to your abdominal wall during surgery. After the surgery, the doctor gives you your fills by using a small needle to inject non-acidic saline fluid into the pouches on the band through the port. So basically, it's a small shot in your stomach.

The recommended diet is three meals a day, plus a protein-heavy snack (like cottage cheese). And the beauty of the surgery is that that's all you need in order not to feel hungry. You are supposed to take at least 20 minutes to consume each of your meals (unless you start feeling full sooner, in which case you should stop eating immediately). This means that you thoroughly chew all of your food before swallowing it, and make sure to put your fork down between bites. Eating slowly gives your stomach time to send the brain the signal that it's full, so that you won't want to eat too much. Because the pouch above the band is in the part of the stomach that senses fullness, it doesn't matter that the part of the stomach below the band is empty--your brain will still think you're full, even though you're only consuming something like 1,000 to 1,200 calories every day.

So, I won't have to deal with cravings and feeling hungry at other times. The food that I eat will be enough to prevent me from feeling hungry until my next meal. That's the difference between the surgery and a diet. Whereas now, it takes a lot of calories to maintain my weight, and my body thinks that it's doing me a favor by trying to maintain or even increase my weight (I'll be the last one standing in a famine!), after the surgery I'll feel full after much less, and for longer. This is what causes the weight loss without the unsustainability of a regular diet that makes you feel hungry all the time.

And, while you are getting a lot fewer calories, once you get down to a healthy weight, those calories are all you need to maintain your weight. You aren't starving yourself. You're just eating a lot less than what your body used to think that it needed to eat.

This doesn't mean that I won't have to deal with "head hunger," or emotional hunger. The social worker gave me a handout on that, and I think it's the kind of thing that everyone experiences to a certain degree. An example would be if you weren't feeling hungry, and then you saw a photo of a cupcake and suddenly you were like, I WANT A CUPCAKE. That's emotional hunger, as opposed to physical hunger. That won't go away. But since I'll have such a small stomach pouch, I won't be capable of acting on any head hunger that I might experience. And I've never had huge problems with emotional hunger to begin with.

Also, you can't drink during meals or for half an hour after. This is to prevent you from washing all your food down your stomach too quickly, which would mean that you'd feel hungry again too soon. And you can't gulp big glasses of water, ever, because it'll just come back up--there's no room in the pouch for that much water. (Plus, you can't use straws because they get air into your pouch.) So, my plan to stay hydrated is to get a 64-ounce water bottle, fill it at the beginning of the day, and slowly sip it all day, making sure that it's empty by the time I go to bed.

As far as eating during pregnancy goes, I'm not sure what the hunger and the cravings will be like, but all the doctors I've talked to agree that you do not need to really eat much more than normal during pregnancy, whether or not you've had the surgery. When I do get pregnant, I'll meet with the surgeon and dietitian and make sure I have an OB/GYN who is familiar with post-surgery patients, and decide on what's right for me. But the dietitian said that most likely I can just add in one extra snack a day and I'll be fine. The good thing is that because I'll already be eating a protein-heavy diet rich in nutrients, I'll be ahead of the curve in terms of eating good-quality foods that provide nourishment to the fetus.

I don't know if I'll experience massive hunger during pregnancy and breastfeeding, or if the pouch will override that. If I do need to eat more calories (like if I were carrying twins or something), I could have the band's fill temporarily removed or reduced, which would mean my stomach wouldn't be so restricted and I could eat more. That's one of the nice things about the lap-band as opposed to the bypass.

But honestly, it sounds like I probably will not need to dramatically increase my food intake in order to nourish the fetus. As long as I'm getting enough vitamins and nutrients, it should be fine. The research that I've done online corroborates this--see here for an explanation of how it's not about how many calories you eat while pregnant, but about the quality of the food. It looks like most pregnant women need to add only about 300 calories a day, and only during the last six months of pregnancy.

If anything, I'll probably need to add less than that. Since I will never be tiny, I will have enough fat and calories already stored that I won't need to gain as much weight during pregnancy as most people. While a lot of pregnant women seem to aim to gain 25-30 pounds during pregnancy (and many come in much higher than that, I know), my goal will probably be more like 15 pounds.

This is a bridge that I will have to cross when I come to it, and it will very much depend on my personal situation. The nice thing is that there's a whole team of nutritionists, social workers, and the surgeon himself, plus my endocrinologist and future OB/GYN, to help me deal with any issues that might come up and help me make the decisions that best fit my individual situation.

So, there you go. Eating habits and pregnancy after lap-band surgery explained, at least to the best of my current knowledge. As I go through this experience myself, I'm sure I will have a lot more to say about how it works and what it's like. Really, it won't be that different from my current healthy living efforts--there will just be an extra aspect to it, an amazing one that means that everything I do will be much more effective. But there will still be the efforts to eat right, get to the gym, and generally struggle with my feelings about my weight. But knowing that it will really pay off this time, long term? That makes all the difference.

The date is set.

Well. The appointment went well. So well, in fact, that I'm scheduled to have the surgery in a month. A few days after we get back from Germany and about six weeks before we go to the beach in New Jersey with my family. I was prepared to wait until after the second trip, if necessary, but the surgeon told me that it's fine to travel after about two weeks--and I'll be on a normal diet by four weeks out.

The surgery that I'm having is the less invasive procedure, the lap-band. I'm a good candidate for that procedure because I'm young (and apparently younger people have a better success rate with the lap band), I don't have any health problems that require me to lose a lot of weight immediately, and I don't have a weakness for high-calorie foods that go right through the pouch, such as ice cream or cream soups. Granted, I LIKE those things, but it won't be a problem not to eat them.

Lap-band surgery is different from gastric bypass. Gastric bypass is the most common weight-loss surgery, the one that most people think of when they're talking about weight-loss surgery. It's very effective. If you have gastric bypass, you can expect to lose a lot of weight very quickly. This is because you come out of the surgery as restricted as you're going to be. A small part of your stomach has been cut off from the rest and attached directly to your small intestine, bypassing the rest of the stomach and part of the intestine (hence the name). It's a more risky, invasive surgery, and it leads to malabsorption of not only food but also nutrients, pills, etc. It also leads to dumping syndrome (when your body reacts negatively to high-fat, high-sugar foods). It's a great surgery for what it is, and it's right for a lot of people, and it's very effective in curing diabetes--but it just didn't make sense for me.

Lap-band surgery is different. It's done laparascopically, which means that there will only be a couple small incisions in my abdomen and the surgeon will use a camera to see what he's doing. Nothing in my stomach will be cut off or rearranged. Instead, a band will be attached around the top of my stomach, creating a small pouch. The band has chambers attached to it that the doctor will fill over the course of a few months post-surgery. As he fills the chambers, they will press more tightly against the stomach, further restricting the opening between the pouch and the rest of the stomach. This means that the amount of food that I can eat will get further restricted over time, unlike with the gastric bypass.

The post-surgery diet is a lot less restrictive. It's about portion control more than anything else. This doesn't mean that I can go eat only unhealthy crap and expect to lose weight. Once I've reached full restriction, I will likely be able to eat between 3/4 and 1 cup of food, three times a day. The majority of that food needs to be lean protein and the rest can be made up of complex carbs or whatever else I want. There's more of a learning curve with the lap band. A Weight Watchers-style eating plan should be very effective.

The weight will not pour off like it would with a gastric bypass. Instead, I can expect to lose about 1 to 2 pounds a week--but the weight loss will continue over a longer period of time and will end up at about the same as the gastric bypass after three years or so. Plus, because it's a tougher battle at the start, it means that it's easier to avoid regaining weight down the road.

The social worker I met with warned me as well that after the surgery, there will be a point when I feel discouraged, like it's not working and I tried everything and surgery was a last resort and even that isn't working and I'm doomed to be fat forever. She says that because lap-band surgery is so slow to start being effective, and because it's more of a tortoise than a hare approach, nearly every lap-band patient feels that way sometimes. That was actually really encouraging to hear, and I repeated it to Torsten so that if/when I start feeling that way, he can remind me that it's normal and I was told it was going to happen, and that I will move past it.

And I will. I'm so excited about this. I can't believe it's really happening. Everyone I've met with thinks that this is the best option for me, and I totally agree. The main driver being my health--I don't want stress on my heart. I don't want stress on my joints. I don't want stress on my future fetus. But there's another side to it, too. I want to fit into the world. The surgeon's office, being designed for overweight people, had this extra-wide chairs? And I sat in one and there was SPACE on either side of me. It was such a novel feeling! I want to fit into chairs. I don't want to worry that I'm going to be squashed whenever I fly, or go to the dentist, or go to the hairdresser. I want to be able to find bras that fit. The world isn't designed for fat people, and therefore being fat is UNCOMFORTABLE. I'm so ready for that to be over.

I may never get into a bikini, but I will get to a healthy weight. I WILL. And the journey starts now.

P.S. I have to wait a year after the surgery to get pregnant. So all of you people on Baby Watch are just going to have to wait. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Feeling groovy

THIS was worth missing Dooce for:




This morning I have a three-hour consultation scheduled with the surgeon's office. I've figured out a bit more about the insurance situation--there was some confusion with my insurance network because my insurance company isn't known here in Colorado, so people think they don't take it when actually they do. It turns out that either the surgery would be covered at 100% or it won't be covered at all. Which is actually logistically easier and a relief, because it means that if I do have the surgery, I don't have to worry about finding one surgeon who's in-network and another who offers a reasonable self-pay option.

The appointment will include a meeting with the surgeon (who also conducted the seminar last week), a meeting with a psychologist (or maybe it's a psychiatrist?), a meeting with a nutritionist, and a meeting with the insurance coordinator for the surgeon's office. It should be, if nothing else, very informative, and it will be good to have a one-on-one conversation with the surgeon about my particular situation and what's best for me.

It's been a good start to the week. I feel good. I'm excited about the house, and feeling good about the surgery thing, and the dog isn't sick anymore, and it's been sunny and nice out, and we're both feeling very settled in Denver. It feels like ages since we were living in DC, and neither of us misses it. It's just so right here. It's such a good fit.

Oh, and also? In case I haven't mentioned it yet? GO UNC.

Doggie puke and packing and furniture and KIDS.

Well, we had quite the weekend. I mean, not really because nothing major happened, but it FELT like a lot went on. Maybe because I'm boring and domestic? Let's pretend otherwise.

The highlight, if you can call it that, of Saturday was definitely what we can only assume was a stomach bug on Montana's part. She puked up her breakfast about two hours after eating it and we didn't worry about it. Then she did the same thing after dinner and we started to wonder. She was drinking well, though, and was definitely hungry, so we didn't worry much, and gave her a couple treats. She gobbled them up--then immediately puked. Twice.

She always gets a treat when she goes into her crate for bed, so we gave her just a tiny one, and she puked that one up, right in her crate. Actually, right on her own foot. And when I woke up to pee in the middle of the night, she had puked again. Which was great, because what you really want to do at 4 A.M. when you're still half asleep is get on your hands and knees and crawl into your dog's puke-scented crate with a bottle of 409. You know?

We talked to the vet, all concerned, and he said that we should give her a small breakfast and if she puked it back up, take her in to make sure she didn't have some sort of obstruction preventing her from digesting her food. But then yesterday she ate normally and didn't vomit, so we decided not to worry about it. The whole experience did give us a chance to try out that carpet cleaning spray we bought when we first got the dog, though. So I guess you could call that a silver lining? Luckily, it worked pretty well.

We also did some packing, and oh, even though it's a lot easier this time because everything is still organized and we've already thrown away all the old junk we didn't need? I'm just so unmotivated. I think I'd rather smell more of Montana's puke than another cardboard box, you know? We are so sick of packing that we briefly debated the idea of just tossing huge piles of stuff into the car and hauling it into the house by the armful, but wound up deciding that in the long run that would be the more stressful plan.

We did motivate ourselves a little, though, by going to wander in a fantastic furniture store in Denver and mentally spending about $10,000. The room that I am surprisingly most excited about properly furnishing is the dining room. I think it's because we found an amazing table with a quartz top--pretty, functional, stylish, and doesn't even require place mats. But the real kicker is that they had a demo dining chair upholstered in purple? And Torsten liked it! I have been given permission to pick purple dining room chairs! I seriously cannot get over how awesome this is going to be. The dining room is painted an eggplant-y purplish brown and the right purple chairs will totally fit with those walls. They will just be such a fun, unexpected pop of color. Seriously, I am way excited about that.

Before we can really buy anything, though, we need to go to the house and measure the rooms and figure out what we're going to do with our current furniture and come up with a game plan for what furniture we want to buy and in what order. And we need to go to High Point the next time we visit my parents in North Carolina and check out the really affordable, really nice furniture stores there. Unfortunately I'm thinking we're not going to be in NC until November, and that's a long way away. But really, that gives us the time to be very deliberate and thoughtful in our decisions, which is important, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining.

Also, we need a washer/dryer. And Torsten was researching them and we were discussing whether it's worth spending an extra $200 to $300 on a bigger set, and Torsten said, "Well, with two kids, there's going to be a lot of laundry. I think it's worth it." And I thought, holy shit we're going to have two kids, real ones that wear CLOTHES. And then I peed my pants with excitement. Except not really, because Montana's puke-covered dog bed and crate mat were still in the washer and dryer, respectively, and there wasn't any room for pee-stained pants. So I held it in. But mentally? OMG.

Surgery seminar and follow-up

So, last night Torsten and I went to a seminar at a bariatric surgery center of excellence here in Denver. It was very informative. I knew most of the information already from the research I'd done, but it was good to hear it from someone who's been there, and be able to ask questions and do a closer comparison of the two main types of surgery.

It was also very good for Torsten, who is incredibly supportive but hadn't done as much research. We both really liked the sound of everything, and it seems like this may really be a viable option for me. The newer type of surgery, called lap-band, seems to be the option that makes the most sense. It's not malabsorptive, which means that it takes longer to lose the weight because you absorb all of the calories you eat, unlike gastric bypass--but the flip side of that is that you don't have quite as many restrictions on what types of food you can eat, and you don't have to worry about vitamin deficiencies.

The surgery is less invasive and less expensive, and it's reversible if there are any complications, and the long-term weight-loss outlook is the same. It just makes more sense. Of course, I haven't made any final decisions, but that's definitely the direction I'm leaning in.

I've scheduled a consultation with the surgeon for next week. At the same time, I'll meet with a nutritionist and a psychologist, and discuss my insurance plan in more detail with the office.

And oh, speaking of the insurance? I'm a little pissed about this. My company has put an exclusion on weight-loss treatment of any kind on their insurance policy. As in, the insurance would cover it, but the company has opted not to allow it. Which is a little horrifying considering that a big thing that we work on is obesity prevention, and yet we don't even offer our own employees assistance of any kind with losing weight? It's not just the surgery that's not covered--it's any kind of medical weight-loss intervention.

There is an exception to the inclusion, though, and it almost makes it worse. If you have a condition that contributes to your weight problem, THEN the surgery will be covered. In other words, if you can't be BLAMED for being overweight, then they'll help you. But if they think you could just man up and eat less, then no help for you! It's putting weight-loss surgery, and other weight-loss programs, on a level with unnecessary cosmetic surgeries.

However, I shouldn't complain too much about the clause, because it may be my saving grace--my thyroid condition does contribute to my weight, and my endocrinologist is going to write me a letter to that effect, which is what the insurance claims they need. We'll see if they really authorize this after all is said and done, but it's a ray of hope. However, even if they do cover it, it's only at 70%, and there may or may not be a $5,000 deductible before that starts. So, all in all, insurance may help or they may not. But if they don't, while the surgery isn't cheap, it isn't as expensive as some surgeries, and the hospital has a payment plan so you don't have to pay all at once.

Point being, I have options. And we'll see how the consultation goes, but I'm feeling very good about this. And in some ways, even though it's more expensive, it would almost be nice to just pay for the surgery on our own because we could avoid so much stress and red tape with the insurance company.

So, yeah. Moving forward on this, and feeling good. Although I still haven't wrapped my head around the idea that I could have this surgery. And then lose weight, for real, permanently. I'm not there yet, mentally. Which is probably good because it means I won't be as disappointed if something comes up that prevents this from working out.

But still. At the seminar the surgeon was talking about how his patients love him because he enables them to do things they could never do before. One of the examples he gave was wearing a bikini. And I snorted internally, because me? In a bikini? It is seriously inconceivable. SERIOUSLY. I can't ever imagine doing something like that.

You guys, seriously, I've never been thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never. I don't even know what my goal weight should be, because it's not like I can look back and be like, oh yeah, in high school I was at a good weight, I'd like to get back there. I really don't know. I suspect that my goal weight is something I haven't seen since middle school. How crazy is that? That I could ever potentially get down to such a healthy weight? Seriously, inconceivable. But also: SO AWESOME.

Endless boxes.

So, um, we close on our house in two weeks. At this point, knock on wood but there's nothing left that could really mess us up. The mortgage is set and locked in and is in underwriting right now. The seller responded very favorably to our inspection objection and is fixing pretty much everything we requested. The house appraised for higher than the purchase price. We've transferred the money for the down payment from our online savings account to our regular checking account. We've arranged for homeowners insurance.

So, yeah. This whole thing is happening. We have a bit of flexibility in terms of when we move, because we had to give 60 days' notice at our current apartment and we only really needed 30. So the plan is to move our own stuff in boxes in a bunch of back-and-forth car trips, and then hire some local people with a truck to move the furniture. And yes, before you say it, I know we could do this ourselves for cheaper. But if you hire movers you don't have to haul big heavy furniture up and down stairs. And the movers pad your stuff and make sure it doesn't get damaged en route. I have moved myself multiple times in the past and I learned from those experiences that it is absolutely worth the cost to pay a professional.

I know this is the last time we intend to do this, at least for quite some time. I do. But oh, the thought of packing up all that stuff, all that stuff that we JUST UNPACKED, and hauling it across town only to unpack it again... well, it isn't pleasant. The first time we packed, in February? I had energy. I was excited. It had been a long time. There was a lot of organizing to do. It was all very methodical. But I LIKED IT. I mean, I didn't. But I also did.

But this time? We JUST broke those boxes down. We kept them, because we knew this would be happening, but we need more packing tape. And so much to pack. And so many car trips. I imagine the dog will be quite alarmed by the whole process.

I guess the whole thing feels old at this point. The stuff that I'm looking forward to about moving is the stuff that's equally mundane, but new. Like checking out the fence (gorgeous original wooden fencing) and making repairs to make sure that the dog can't escape. And planting trees. And figuring out how we want to spread out what little furniture we have across all those rooms. And setting up the beautiful kitchen.

But oh, if I never see another cardboard box again, it'll be too soon. And yet, there are SO MANY of them in my immediate future.

But hey, on the plus side? Denver recycling bins appear to be purple. What better way to encourage me to be environmentally conscious?

And, OK, a gratuitous dog photo--father and daughter:

Holidays I don't like

Well. Seeing as today is April Fools' Day, I thought I'd have a little discussion about the five holidays I hate the most, in ranked order. With explanations, of course.

1. April Fools' Day. This my absolute least favorite holiday. I hate practical jokes in general, and having a day designated for that? It's just cruel. Computer worms, making exciting announcements and then taking them back, an excuse to pick on people who already get picked on a lot anyway... ugh. I hate it. And I hate that I have to spend the whole day being SUSPICIOUS. Speaking of which, if anyone today announces something shocking on their blog? I REALLY DOUBT IT'S TRUE.

2. St. Patrick's Day. This day is just so POINTLESS. I mean, WHY? And why must everyone pretend they're Irish? And so many people look terrible in green. And you can't even go out because the streets are full of drunken revelers. And then everyone is hungover the next day at work. Maybe it's because I don't drink much, but ugh.

3. Halloween. I just never really got into this holiday, even as a kid. The dressing up was never fun--it was always desperation at the last second, trying to figure out a costume, finally getting one together, and then having to wear a coat trick-or-treating anyway. Maybe this is why we didn't even think about Halloween when we scheduled our wedding for November 1, and ended up inconveniencing several people with kids over our rehearsal dinner the night before.

4. Valentine's Day. I don't have the raging hatred for this holiday that a lot of people do. I think the concept is sweet and I don't think there are THAT many people who use it as an excuse not to be nice or romantic for the rest of the year. It's just a reminder and an excuse to do a little something extra, and it's fun to celebrate when you're first in a relationship. But it really sucks if you aren't. And all the restaurants cost a ton more than usual. And the worst part is all the expectations it sets up. They're pretty much impossible to meet (see here), making what should have been a lovely day awful instead. This year we were in the middle of moving across country on Valentine's Day, and it was the best V-Day we've spent together.

5. Independence Day. The CONCEPT is nice, I'll grant you that. It's fun, we became our own country, there are fireworks and picnics. But it's so HOT. And the fireworks shows are so CROWDED. And since you have to wait until it's dark to set them off, the kids are always exhausted and crabby, and that's no fun for everyone. And there are MOSQUITOES. Why couldn't we have declared our independence in, say, late April?

What about you? Is there a holiday you can't stand?