All wrong

I didn't think I cared very much about Valentine's Day, but apparently I do, because yesterday sucked. I was positive Torsten was going to send me flowers. The year before, our first Valentine's Day together, he didn't get me flowers because he thought I was the type of girl who didn't care about Valentine's flowers, and I was very upset about that, and this year I told him several times that I would like flowers, because the type of girl that I am not is the type who expects her significant other to read her mind.

So, I told him that I would like flowers on Valentine's Day, and I would like them sent to the office so that I could pick them up from the receptionist and set them on my desk and admire them all day and have other people admire them all day. And I told him not to waste his money on red roses because I like purple flowers much better anyway.

And I was sure he would get me flowers. I cleared off a space on my desk and I waited and waited for the flowers, and no flowers came, and at around three o'clock I finally caved in and IMed him and asked why there were no flowers, and then he got very upset because it turned out he had gotten me flowers but they hadn't arrived yet. And he had paid extra to have them delivered on Valentine's Day, and then they didn't show up until after four.

And when they did show up, they were in a cardboard box, because he didn't get them from a florist, he got them from 1-800-flowers, which is a stupid crappy website that ships you your stupid flowers FedEx, which is why they were so late because FedEx isn't a florist and they have no awareness of timing, like the fact that Valentine's Day flowers that show up right before you leave work DON'T COUNT.

And I didn't even bother opening the box because given the upcoming four day weekend I figured it would be better to leave them in the box so they wouldn't die, and bring them home and enjoy them there. So I hauled the box from work to dinner, and dinner was fine, it was good even. And I thought I was over the fact that I was expectantly waiting for flowers all day and feeling like an idiot for having cleared a space for them and feeling wildly, irrationally unloved about it.

And then we got home and opened the flower box, and it was just a crappy bouquet of pink tulips in plastic wrap. It looked like something that you could buy at the grocery store for $10, except that he paid way more than $10 for it, and also they were pink and not purple, and also they looked like they were about to die and a bunch of them were crushed, and what stupid company thinks it's a good idea to ship flowers in a cardboard box? And also the company guaranteed overnight delivery for freshness, but according to FedEx tracking, the flowers actually shipped on Tuesday morning and didn't arrive until Thursday afternoon, so that is almost three days in transit, which might explain why they were crushed and half-dead.

Torsten was very upset too, and he showed me the picture of how they were supposed to look online, and he was right that they were much prettier online, but even still, they were pink, ugly pink and I don't like pink, I like purple. In fact I fairly strongly dislike pink. And I guess he was swayed by the fact that the website said something about how they were cultivated in Holland, which is a bunch of useless marketing crap anyway and who cares where they were grown and besides, local flowers are the best because they are fresh and nice, not that it matters in February, but at least they could have come from a god damn florist who would have arranged them in a vase and delivered them in a timely manner.

And at first I was okay about the whole thing, because geez, it's just a stupid manufactured holiday and my fiance tried, he really tried to send me pretty purple flowers and even though it didn't work out quite right, I still have an amazing and loving fiance and it's just some stupid pink tulips and regardless he's going to call and demand his money back given that the flowers were delivered really late and half dead. So it wasn't a waste of money.

And then we were sitting on the couch and he moved his arm suddenly as I was moving too and he inadvertently whacked me in the side of the head, and it hurt but not THAT much, and yet I totally burst into tears and started completely freaking out. And I knew, I KNEW that I was being irrational, I could TELL that it was just stupid hormones combined with the stress of disappointedly waiting for flowers all day, but probably mostly the hormones, but it doesn't matter if it's hormones making you cry because it still feels shitty, even if you know the reason.

And Torsten tried to make me feel better, he tried to touch me and hold me and even though logically in my head I wanted him to touch me, whenever he actually did touch me I shrank away, I wasn't ready to be touched because I was just so frustrated, and there was nothing that could be done because all I wanted was for once to get some god damn Valentine's flowers that were pretty and showed up on time, and is that really too much to ask? And also the next two years Valentine's Day will be on a weekend so the next opportunity for this issue to be rectified is in 2011, and that feels very far away right now.

But it was just so weird, I was there being insane, being irrational, and knowing it and yet I couldn't stop it, I was crying and curled up in a ball and Torsten was being so supportive and apologizing and I kept telling him it wasn't his fault and I meant it, because it really wasn't, because god damn it he tried to send me purple flowers on Valentine's Day and what more could he have done? Except not order from a stupid website that ships flowers FedEx from a warehouse instead of working with local florists like Teleflora does, and now he knows, and 1-800-flowers is officially on our shit list and will never be used again.

But there was just nothing he could do, nothing that was right because I was frustrated by the outcome of a situation that could not be reversed and so anything that he did was going to be wrong, and so he just sat there impotently while I freaked out, and of course that was the wrong thing to do too, and oh, the poor boy. It just really should not be that much to ask to have a simple Valentine's Day that goes smoothly and involves pretty flowers that arrive in the morning.

And yeah, I feel spoiled because oh tragedy, my fabulous fiance spent too much money sending me flowers he thought I would love for a holiday that doesn't matter, and really, if I'm looking for problems maybe I should try getting some real ones? But damn it it DID feel like a real problem and still, now, the next day when things are supposed to feel sunny and bright again, I look over at those god damn crumpled pink tulips and I kind of want to throw them on the floor.