2018: The year of baby steps

(Previous years: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007)  

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
Sent both my kids on an unaccompanied flight (transatlantic, no less). Got super involved in public school politics and advocacy. Got an IUD stuck (!) and had to have a camera-guided procedure to get it out. Had my basement flood (twice!). Started down the path of managing ADHD in my kiddos. Started a real, habitual, extensive skincare routine (and stuck with it). Helped my child participate in feeding therapy. Took a solo trip to Hawaii (mostly for work, but still). Read 214 books. Have my kid figure out the truth about Santa et al., and then help participate in creating the magic for his sister. 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I said, "I'd like to make some progress toward financial recovery from quite a few large unexpected expenses that we incurred this year, and I'd like to be more on top of keeping my photos organized." We did make some financial progress, but not as much as I'd liked, and I did get some of my photos organized, but not nearly all of them, so overall I'd say this was kind of a wash. For next year I'd like to stick to a more detailed budget as a family, and get some of the messy spaces in our house organized.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A very good friend from college.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Domestically, I went to Washington DC, Baltimore, Oahu, Maine, Durham (NC), and Charleston (SC).

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
A president I trust. More financial organization. 

7. What moments from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Some moments related to figuring out kid mental health and support type stuff, some moments related to seeing our country take atrocious actions against vulnerable populations (oh hey I just noticed I said something very similar last year, how charming), Montana getting clear scans at her oncology follow-ups, some decisions I made for myself around my own health stuff, our absolutely incredible family trip to Maine and how FUN and relaxing it was (first time our kids have been old enough for us to really feel that way about a family vacation), my friends continuing to show up, over and over, in real, meaningful, complicated, loving ways.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
To my own surprise, my answer here is parenting-related for the second year in a row. Both our kids needed a lot from us this year as we tried to figure out their ADHD and associated challenges and support them in a balanced way. It was really tricky and demanded a lot from us in terms of both emotional as well as tangible resources, and certainly we don't have the whole thing perfected yet, but I do feel like I came through for my whole family on mental health and support this year, and we are all thriving, and I feel really good about that.

9. What was your biggest failure?
A fair bit of unnecessary guilt and self-blame. I was going to say that I should have implemented more financial organization measures sooner, but seeing the first point, I'm going to try to let go of that idea and just be glad we're in a good place now.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major (and nobody was hospitalized this year!), but it was definitely a year of working on family mental health stuff, which was both time-consuming and pricey.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets. Do health care services count as a purchase? A couple pieces of art from some of our favorite places that we really treasure every time we look at them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I'm stealing last year's answer, because apparently last year I was feeling very articulate. On a micro level: Torsten's, like every year. He has done a ton of hard work and our whole family is benefitting. On a macro level: All the people who've stepped up to counter the appalling words and actions of our government by helping each other, supporting each other, protesting, donating, voting, and resisting.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My answer from the last two years still stands: People who are irrationally and unconsciously (or consciously, for that matter) motivated by white identity and perceived threat to their desired world order. This year I'll put a finer point on it: All the people who've seen Trump do every horrible thing we expected and then some, and continue to support him.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same answer for the seventh straight year: our mortgage and childcare, and I will keep last year's addition of health care.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our family. The work we did to make sure everyone's needs are met and they are thriving. Democrats taking over the house, and the door-knocking I did to unseat a Republican Congressman in a nearby district seeing results.

16. What song will always remind you of 2018?
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
a) About the same
b) Thinner
c) Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I'm gonna repeat last year's answer: Sleeping. Working out. Volunteering.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Driving? Somehow there was so much driving. Going to Target and generally running tiny errands all the time. Possibly these two items are related.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Visiting my parents in North Carolina, followed by Torsten and me going to Charleston by ourselves for a few days while our kids stayed with my parents.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program? 
I basically did not watch TV this year because I spent so much time reading, so I really don't know. I do have a long list of shows I'd like to check out in 2019, though.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Borrowing last year's answer: I'd say my hatred for evil, self-interested members of government has sharpened, if that counts.

24. What was the best book you read?
Real American by Julie Lythcott-Haims.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Like pretty much every year: I'm not sure I made any.

26. What did you want and get?
A happy family with a solid, comfortable life routine. 

27. What did you want and not get?
Like last year: A government that believes in the republic and cares about the people it represents (or any people, for that matter).

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Incredibles 2

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was a low-key day... we just went out for a casual dinner as a family, and it was lovely. I turned 34.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A trustworthy government. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
This year I discovered shorts. They're amazing! Did you know? They're comfortable and they keep your legs so nice and cool. Why didn't someone tell me about these magical things earlier? Also, hoodies featured heavily this year.

32. What kept you sane?
Same as the last four years: My little family. My group of best friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm bad at this.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Immigration, income inequality, class warfare, general corruption?

35. Who did you miss?
Similar answer to the past nine years: Most of my friends and family, since many of them live far away. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?
We met some great people this year, but in particular Callum made a close friend on his new soccer team, and his family is lovely as well, and they've been a great addition to our lives.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
Feeling that the current circumstances are uniquely horrible is a privileged perspective, as this country has been treating vulnerable people like shit for centuries. Still, it's better to become woke late than never, and we can all do what we can to resist, even if it's not 100% of our effort 100% of the time.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
As last year: I don't think there is one. There pretty much never is.

Happy New Year, everybody!

2017: We're still standing, so far.

(Previous years: 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007)  

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
Had a child hospitalized in a foreign country. Took my kids to get pedicures. Lived under a wannabe autocrat. Took my kids to Paris. Treated (including paying for) my dog for cancer. Read 200 books. Had a child get stitches. Went to Puerto Vallarta, Belgium, and the Netherlands. Had my kid's preschool shut down with no notice and make off with our money. Taught both kids to ride a bike without training wheels. Hit my goal weight. Called my Senator's office more times than I can count. Sent my kid to overnight camp.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I was pretty general last year, and just said "I want to keep a good thing going with our routine, and do some travel." We did both of those things--I feel like our routine has really hit a groove and things are going very well as a family unit. And we did a whole bunch of travel. I'll call that a win. For next year, hm. I'd like to make some progress toward financial recovery from quite a few large unexpected expenses that we incurred this year, and I'd like to be more on top of keeping my photos organized.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One of my best friends from college.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico, Germany, France, Belgium, and the Netherlands. Domestically, I visited Phoenix, Chicago, Virginia Beach, Durham (NC), Jacksonville, San Diego, Washington DC, and New Orleans.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A president who believes in the Constitution and cares about anyone other than himself.

7. What moments from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Most of the actual moments are negative (health-related), but the year itself was actually pretty good for us as a family. As far as specific moments: Getting a phone call from Annika's preschool that she had fallen and hit her head and the ambulance was on its way (she was fine, she just needed stitches, but they didn't do a great job conveying that). Callum being hospitalized in Germany and the doctor lecturing us that if we took him home on oxygen, we would be risking his life. Getting Montana's cancer diagnosis and having to tell Torsten about it, and watching him completely fall apart in response. More generally: Watching Torsten continue to step up to be there for our family and make sure all of us are in a good place. Taking an incredible family road trip where we drove more than 2,000 miles across Europe and the kids were absolute champs and it was an amazing family bonding experience. Watching our government take one atrocious action after another to harm vulnerable populations. Seeing how people and friends step up for each other and support each other in the face of terrible hardship.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I am far from a perfect parent, but I overall feel like my parenting this year was a win. I really managed to build on the work I did last year to be calmer, more intentional, and less yelling-prone. I've guided both my kids through some challenging shit, including some tough emotional stuff, and I really feel like I've succeeded at being there for them and supporting them. I also think we've managed to keep encouraging kindness and consideration and caring for others, which is especially important to us in the current political climate. There is a lot I could still improve, but I feel good about how far I've come.

9. What was your biggest failure?

This is a small thing, but I stopped keeping my five-year diary a few months ago, and I'm bummed about that and want to pick it back up. It was really good for me to take those couple minutes each night to process through what happened that day, and I'd like to get back to that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I personally did not experience anything major, but it has been a tough (and expensive) medical year for the rest of the family. Callum was hospitalized for asthma, Annika got stitches in her forehead, Montana had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and is now doing chemo, and Torsten had dental implants and an ER visit along with a couple ongoing chronic issues. Here's hoping for a healthier 2018 for all of us. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets for the incredible travel we were able to do this year. Good health insurance. A couch, rug, and coffee table for our living room.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
On a micro level: Torsten's, like every year. He has done a ton of hard work and our whole family is benefitting. On a macro level: All the people who've stepped up to counter the appalling words and actions of our government by helping each other, supporting each other, protesting, donating, voting, and resisting.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My answer from last year still stands: People who are irrationally and unconsciously (or consciously, for that matter) motivated by white identity and perceived threat to their desired world order. This year I'll put a finer point on it: All the people who've seen Trump do every horrible thing we expected and then some, and continue to support him.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same answer for the sixth straight year: our mortgage and childcare. This year I'll add health and dental expenses, both human and canine.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our family. The November and December elections and the hope that the current administration might actually not last forever, and that we may eventually be able to reverse some of their terrible policies. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
I don't think there is one this year. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
a) About the same
b) Thinner
c) Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I'm gonna repeat last year's answer: Sleeping. Working out. Volunteering.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Reading books written by men, specifically white men.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
My parents came to stay with us. Torsten and I left the kids with them for a few days while we went to New Orleans. We came back the day before Christmas Eve and had a laid-back Christmas with the six of us at home. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I watched very little TV this year, as I was very reading-focused. We did start watching Madam Secretary, which I like.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I'd say my hatred for evil, self-interested members of government has sharpened, if that counts.

24. What was the best book you read?
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Like pretty much every year: I'm not sure I made any.

26. What did you want and get?
A happy family with a solid, comfortable life routine. A lot of travel. 

27. What did you want and not get?
A government that believes in the republic and cares about the people it represents (or any people, for that matter).

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Coco.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It was low-key but pleasant. My parents were in town and I worked, then did errands to prepare for our trip to Mexico. We went out for dinner at my favorite restaurant and ate cake. I turned 33.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A healthier family. A trustworthy government. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
Dresses in the summer and skinny jeans with sweaters in winter. Rothys and boots and flip flops.

32. What kept you sane?
Same as the last three years: My little family. My group of best friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm bad at this.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year's answer still applies. I wrapped it up by saying that I was extremely concerned that 2017 was going to be significantly worse than 2016, and that's exactly what happened. Right now my concern is largely around the most vulnerable people in this country, specifically immigrants, women, people of color, and people living in poverty. The class warfare and xenophobia happening right now are beyond comprehension, and I can only pray that the backlash is immediate and fierce. 

35. Who did you miss?
Similar answer to the past eight years: Most of my friends and family, since many of them live far away. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Hm. I don't think I made new friends this year. I'd say the best person is the director of Callum's soccer training program, who really understands him and has done incredible things for him (related to character development way more than soccer skills). 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.
Hope is a form of resistance. It is our job to help each other, and we can do that even in the worst of circumstances, and even if it's just in small ways, it makes a big difference. 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
As last year: I don't think there is one. There pretty much never is.

Happy New Year, everybody!

2016: Good for me personally, terrible for... everyone else. And also the world. Which includes me, unfortunately. So... not an unmitigated success.

(Previous years: 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007)  

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
Sent my kid on a plane trip by himself. Took six work trips. Visited Michigan. Had a child hospitalized. Drove the 101. Helped my child learn to read. Dissected a squid. Went to therapy, and dumped a therapist. Bought my kids matching outfits. Filed a homeowners' insurance claim (due to a hailstorm). Wore a bright lip color. Caucused. Voted (and volunteered for) a woman for president. Sobbed over the results of a presidential election. Feared for our democracy.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I said that I wanted to "buy a smaller 'real' camera that isn't quite so unwieldy and will be easier to carry around with us and grab to shoot with, so hopefully the photo thing will improve, and I want to keep blogging at least as much as I blogged from May through October of this year. We are going to try to potty train Annika. And I want to work with Torsten to find a balance that works for us now that we've hit a routine... the kids are getting older, there are no more babies in the house, we have school and daycare more or less figured out, work is reasonably stable... so now is the time to figure out some stuff about how our family life works best and how we can establish a division of labor and routine that make us both feel supported and not overwhelmed."

So, let's break those down:
1) We did not buy a real camera, so the photo thing didn't really improve, but Torsten did get an iPhone 7 Plus with the dual lens camera, and that has helped.
2) I blogged four times this year and not at all since May. So. No.
3) Annika did successfully potty train. Win.
4) The work-life balance for both of us was the big one, and I feel really good about it. We did a shit ton of really hard work, and it has paid off. We're in a really good spot with our routine and our relationship.

I am not sure about next year. Mostly I want to keep a good thing going with our routine, and do some travel.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Susie, Miriel, Arwen, Stephanie, and a work colleague/friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't leave the country this year, but I did a lot of domestic travel: to Albuquerque, Michigan, and the Bay Area with/to see friends; to the Pacific Coast, Maine (with bonus Boston visit including time with Jonna), North Carolina, and Charleston with family; and to Jacksonville, Chicago, San Diego, Seattle, Memphis, Baltimore, and DC for work.

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
Hope for our country's future. OK, this isn't a fair answer because I had a LOT of hope for our country's future for about 10 months of this year, and now I have very little. An endless travel budget.

7. What moments from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Seeing Torsten put in incredible amounts of work to get our family routine to where it needed to be, and the culmination of that with him accepting a new job with a solid work-life balance a couple months ago. Realizing Trump was going to win Wisconsin and thus the election and sobbing hysterically, and then having to tell the kids about it the next morning. Watching my kids' relationship with each other grow and deepen, and seeing how kind and thoughtful they are both turning out to be. Leaning on my friends hard when I needed to, and having them lean on me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Continuing on my response from last year, I learned to channel my accommodating/fix-it impulses into speaking up and making things better for everyone, including myself, instead of trying to take on full responsibility for burdens that are typically shared. I invested everything I had to give into my marriage and my family and got incredible results. I unpacked some shit that was depleting my emotional resources and became a much better, and less yelling-prone, parent as a result.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to anticipate and emotionally prepare for the election result.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major, but this has been a BAD fall and early winter for stomach bugs, and it would be awesome if that could end any time now. Also, I got laryngitis this year for the first time ever, and that was deeply unpleasant.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A meal service that provides us with pre-cooked, nutritious meals three days per week so the cooking burden is lessened. New chairs for our living room and a table for our patio. Therapy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Torsten's, like every year. I said up above that I invested everything I had into our family, but so did he, and I'd say he had the harder work to do. He stepped up like a champ and I am so grateful and proud.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
People who are irrationally and unconsciously (or consciously, for that matter) motivated by white identity and perceived threat to their desired world order.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same answer for the sixth straight year: our mortgage and childcare.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our family. Torsten's new job. The prospect of Hillary Clinton as president.

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier
b) Thinner
c) About the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sleeping. Working out. Volunteering.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Assuming that racism and myopic white men were no longer in charge of the world.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We came to visit my parents in North Carolina (where we still are). First we left the kids with my parents for a few days and Torsten and I drove down to Charleston, which was delightful. We came back up on Christmas Eve and had a nice peaceful Christmas with my parents and some family friends. My sister and her brood came down the next day and we repeated the whole shebang with significantly more chaos and cousin love.

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gilmore Girls. Parenthood. I'm really with the times, I know.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

24. What was the best book you read?
I'd say A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, with runner-up credit to Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Like pretty much every year: I'm not sure I made any.

26. What did you want and get?
A happy family with a solid, comfortable life routine. A lot of travel. A lovely tenth anniversary gift from Torsten.

27. What did you want and not get?
Hillary Clinton as PEOTUS.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I think we only saw one movie in the theater this year, Finding Dory, which I liked but didn't love.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My parents were supposed to fly in that day but we had a massive unexpected blizzard and their flight got cancelled. I woke up early in the morning to their phone call about it, then spent the next couple hours hashing out an alternate travel plan for them. We were housebound all day due to the snow, so we couldn't pick up my birthday cake and had to cancel our dinner plans, and had to try to work all day while our kids were home with a snow day and no childcare. Basically the day was pretty unpleasant and I called it a do-over and celebrated properly a couple days later once the roads were clear and my parents got to town. Torsten did give me a gorgeous necklace as a gift, which salvaged things pretty well. I turned 32.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
In my own little personal life, honestly, nothing. On a broader level, more enlightened voters and people who are interested in things like data and objective facts, and a different election outcome.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
Dresses in the summer and skinny jeans with sweaters in winter. Necklaces and earrings almost every day.

32. What kept you sane?
Same as the last two years: My little family. My group of best friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm bad at this.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don't even know what to say about this that I haven't already said. In addition to the horrifying racism, self-centeredness, and myopia of way too many voters in this country, I'm pretty appalled not just by the hostile foreign state that interfered with our election, but also by the number of people who don't seem to care or even seem to welcome it because it helped achieve the outcome they wanted. I'm extremely concerned about NATO, Syria, and foreign policy in general, as well as about things like basic civil rights and freedoms domestically. In sum, pretty much everything about politics stirred me deeply this year and while 2016 was a terrible year for many people, I'm extremely concerned that 2017 is going to be significantly worse.

35. Who did you miss?
Similar answer to the past seven years: Most of my friends and family, since many of them live far away. Particular shoutout to my delightful local bestie who then moved to Singapore, since she became a new addition to the list of friends I am always missing.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Some moms of Callum's kindergarten classmates who've become good personal friends of mine.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.
Misinformation is dangerous. Don't underestimate the power of denied feelings. (I really believe this election outcome was due to white men having lots of FEELINGS that they don't understand about no longer being the only demographic group with a seat at the table, and that's confusing for them because men don't have feelings because aren't feelings those inferior things that women keep having that hold them back, along with their periods? I don't know what's happening but it doesn't feel good and I'm pretty sure I should express those unpleasant feelings by voting for the guy in the preposterous hat who says the insane things that make me FEEL good even though I don't have feelings so I'm going to point to a lot of fake claims with no supporting data to justify my vote because it's not possible that I'm voting based on FEELINGS that I don't actually believe I have.) Do the best you can and stay your course and try to help people even when everything feels overwhelmingly daunting.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
As last year: I don't think there is one. There pretty much never is.

Happy New Year, everybody! Fingers crossed our system of government is still intact at the end of it.

Lap-band: Maintenance mode

Today I got my first lap-band fill in what turns out to be two years. I knew it had been awhile since the last one, but I would have guessed one year, not two. OOPSIE.

(Super quick background on the lap-band, since I don't talk about it much: it's a plastic ring that goes around your stomach and has little pouches that are filled with saline through a port, slowly, over time. Filling the pouches increases the tightness of the ring around the stomach, increasing food restriction and making it easier to lose weight. This is done slowly after initial surgery over the course of a few months. In each of my pregnancies I had my lap-band emptied in order to reduce morning sickness and allow for consumption of sufficient nutrients, and then had it filled up again over the course of a few months post-partum. So, I had had it refilled after Annika was born, but then let it go two years without any further fills. In general, even once it's full, it still needs to be topped off every now and then due to fluid shifting and evaporating and the restriction loosening over time.)

Anyway! So, over the last two years I've lost the rest of the baby weight, about 30 pounds, which took me down to my pre-Callum weight, which was about 85 pounds below my pre-surgery weight. So, technically in the seven years since my surgery my weight is down 85 pounds, BUT an added wrinkle of the lap-band is that of course when you reduce your caloric intake by that degree, your metabolism also slows down (see also: this interesting NYT article on that topic), so when the band was emptied for my pregnancies, of course I gained a bunch of weight, and not just pregnancy weight, and ended up gaining 40-50 pounds per pregnancy. FUN TIMES. What that MEANS is that over the past seven years, I have actually LOST something like 175 pounds, BUT I also GAINED 90 pounds during that time, DAMMIT BABIES.

Anyway! Here I am now, and the lovely thing is that I HAVE lost the baby weight, TWICE, PLUS kept off the weight loss that I achieved in the first year post-surgery, before I got pregnant with Callum. So now, here I am, seven years later, finally in maintenance mode. Which doesn't mean weight maintenance mode, as I do want to continue to lose weight, but rather band maintenance mode. With the pregnancies and refilling and so forth over the past seven years, I've been in and out of my surgeon's office quite a lot with various fills and un-fills, and I will also say that it's kind of a mind trip to have your band un-filled for pregnancy because your nutritional needs shift and it turns out that postpartum isn't necessarily the most mentally stable, well rested and relaxing time to focus on your own nutritional needs. Meaning, while of course I'm always aware of my band and the accompanied restrictions (no bread, very few grains in general, no soda/carbonation, eat slowly, etc.), it hasn't really been top of mind for the last few years.

That has actually been GREAT. A huge reason why I wanted the band in the first place was because I wanted my weight to stop being such a THING in my mind all the time. I felt like I spent so much TIME thinking about my weight and my diet, and how much I weighed, and if I was losing weight, how to maintain that, and if I was gaining it back, how to stop it, and what I should and shouldn't eat. That sucked, frankly as much or more than the actual fact of being overweight, you know? Just the mental space devoted to it was so exhausting, and I really didn't want to spend the rest of my life that way. And that was a huge motivator to get the band, and that has been a huge success. Eating is no longer the Thing that it was, and I focus on nutrition and taste and have been able to almost fully remove any moral values from my opinions of food, and that's been so delightfully freeing. The band hasn't taken over my life, and that's been wonderful.

But it also means that I don't always think about how I could be using the band as the best possible tool for weight loss, and sometimes forget that I have it available to me, if that makes sense. So like, the 30 pounds that I've lost since my last fill two years ago were hard-fought, and slow, and I didn't even REALIZE that I could have gone in for another fill that would have made the whole process way easier and simpler. Like, it just did not cross my mind. I did occasionally think, "Oh, I should probably get another fill at some point" but there was always a conflict, a trip or a work meeting or something where I needed to be able to eat pretty normally (the first week or so after a fill, I have to be super cautious about eating) and so I'd figure I'd do it later, and then somehow... yeah, it's been two years.

But here I am now, I'm 85 pounds down from where I was seven years ago and that's a great place to be, and I have no further pregnancy plans and also no infants and can focus on my own stuff a little bit, as needed, and I have a fresh new fill and I feel good, and I hope it does help me lose a few more pounds without quite the Herculean effort that the last 30 pounds have required (the doc today was like, "I can't believe you lost 30 pounds with basically no restriction"), but the nice thing is, I don't feel like I have to have a renewed focus on weight loss or anything like that. More like, now I feel like I have the mental space to fit my band back into my life without it taking over, and I'm glad about that. And trying to feel proud of having lost those last 30 pounds without much help from the band, instead of dumb for letting so much time go by without taking advantage of it. Glass half-full, I guess.

My first caucus

On Super Tuesday, 1.5 weeks ago, I attended my first-ever caucus. We moved to Colorado in 2009, one year after the last Democratic presidential primary. Colorado does closed caucuses (only registered members of the party can participate) and in non-presidential election years, I've always received a paper ballot in the mail for the primary, so this was my first-ever opportunity to participate.

A side note about caucuses and voting in general: I actually don't love the caucus concept as a political process, because I find the barrier to entry to be prohibitively high. It takes a lot longer than voting, first of all, and while you CAN bring kids with you, it did not appear to be a very pleasant experience to do so, which means that single parents or couples who both want to vote would need to either wrangle their kids in a hot, crowded, boring, slow-moving caucus for a couple hours or pay for childcare or... you know, not attend. Also, because everyone has to show up at once, the parking situation is completely insane. And, the whole speeches for candidates, everyone band together on various sides of the room and try to convince the uncommitted people to come to their side thing is just... I don't know, it seems like there's a lot of room for blurring lines, is all. The argument I keep hearing in favor of caucuses is that it means only the people who truly care and are involved in the political process make the decisions, which sounds nice until you think about it more and it starts to sound more like an argument to keep affluent white people in charge.

On the plus side, when we AREN'T having caucuses, Colorado does vote by mail, which is AMAZING... the ballot shows up a few weeks before the election, you fill it out, you put a stamp on it, you send it back, you're done. No waiting in line, no having to get time off work to go vote, no having to find a polling place. It's GREAT.

Anyway, back to my caucus experience. I personally did not suffer from the childcare issues I mentioned above, because Torsten is not a U.S. citizen and can't vote, so he stayed home with the kids while I attended the caucus. The caucus was held at a high school near enough to our house that I could walk there, thank goodness, because as aforementioned, holy traffic and parking issues, my goodness. The walk over felt sort of pleasantly neighborly--I encountered a neighbor waiting for another neighbor to walk over, and they invited me to join them, which I did, and then we gave directions to someone else who was trying to find the school, and everyone was sort of cheerful and chatty and it was lovely. (Also, there was only a Democratic caucus that day, so it wasn't like there were Sanders and Trump fans glaring at each other or anything.)

The caucus started at 7 and the precinct captain who canvassed our neighborhood told us to plan to arrive between 6:30 and 6:45. We walked in at about 6:40 and the place was PACKED. It was absolute chaos, standing room only, and totally nuts. The high school was the polling place for about 10 different precincts, and each precinct had its own sign-in table in the main hallway with a sign on the wall with the precinct number, but the hall was SO full and crowded that it was impossible to see the signs. There was also a huge line of people who didn't know their precinct number and were waiting to look it up, but thankfully our precinct captain had handed out little cards with our precinct number on them, so we were spared that hell. It took probably about 15 minutes of elbows-out neck-craning to figure out where our precinct check-in was, and then there was actually no line for it so we were able to sign in and head into the cafeteria very quickly. The worst part, though, was this woman in a wheelchair who needed to use the restroom, and it turned out that the restrooms were on the very far end of the hallway on the other side of the massive crowd, and there was just no possible way that she was going to be able to shove through all the people, so she had to just not use the restroom.

The crowd in the hallway to check in

Anyway, we got in the cafeteria, which was equally full of people and also very, very hot, and managed to find a place near a door that someone had propped open, so that helped. I was assuming that the voting itself would take place in the cafeteria, but that turned out not to be the case. A little bit after 7 they got started, even though tons of people were still checking in out in the hallway. Whoever was in charge, and I still don't know who that was, led the Pledge of Allegiance, and then two people split the duties of reading all the caucus rules out loud. Even though they had a microphone, the room was so loud and crowded that the people at the back couldn't hear at all, and kept yelling in annoyance for them to speak up. However, it turns out that you don't really need to hear what's being said at this time? It seemed very procedural. They were legit reading all the articles of the caucus law, including the actual article numbers like 4.a.1 or whatever, down to the full mailing address of where to send any protests to, and I get that they need to do that, but I personally didn't feel the need to actually be able to decipher what they were saying. Next time, I think, I will come by 7, check in, and then hang out in the hallway until the first part is done and it's time to break down by precinct.

A corner of the crowd in the cafeteria

Anyway, so, they read all the rules and then people had an opportunity to make speeches in favor of candidates, which a bunch of people did--not for presidential candidates but for the local stuff that was also happening that night (state senator, district attorney, and university regent). It was interesting to hear the speeches but I had no real idea who to vote for in those races, and the speeches didn't help with that because of course they just all made everyone sound great, but they were only a minute long apiece and didn't get very into the weeds.

After about half an hour, they read out the classroom numbers that each precinct was assigned to, and we all went off to find our rooms. My precinct was in a science lab and we all sat in those little chairs with desks attached to them. There were about 60 people there and our precinct captain for Hillary was there, but there was no precinct captain for Bernie, which evidently there was supposed to be, because the Hillary precinct captain only had the paperwork for Hillary, so while a Bernie supporter volunteered to be the precinct captain, it took some time to hunt down someone at the caucus who had the appropriate paperwork.

So, the precinct captain had us split up in a straw poll, Hillary supporters on the left side of the room, Bernie supporters on the right, and uncommitted at the back. It was about a 2:1 split Hillary:Bernie, with two people going to the back to say they were uncommitted, which opened the opportunity for people to make little speeches in favor of their candidates to try to sway the uncommitted people. A few people did that for each side, actually pretty interesting and quite civil, and then the uncommitted people asked how Bernie was going to fund his proposed policies, nobody could give a satisfactory answer, and they both went over to the Hillary side. (I actually suspect that they were Hillary supporters the whole time and were trying to make a point). Then we did a final vote, and the captains for each candidate counted, and a second person counted behind them to confirm, and then they filled out all the paperwork and our precinct awarded two county delegates for Hillary and one for Bernie. Then we selected who actually wanted to BE those delegates, including alternate delegates, and attend the county convention (which is evidently scheduled for the Saturday night right before Easter? Which is also spring break for Denver public schools? Which seems like a puzzling choice, but whatever). Only a few people volunteered, so everyone who volunteered was selected. The whole presidential piece took about half an hour, maybe a little longer, and our precinct captain commented that it had been very efficient and we had made record time.

At this point things started to go off the rails. The presidential vote was done and the paperwork filed, and that all went smoothly, but we were still supposed to deal with the state and local questions, but there wasn't really anyone running the show. The Hillary precinct captain who had been managing things thus far had only been trained on the presidential piece, and the Bernie precinct captain had only just become precinct captain half an hour prior and wasn't trained at all. The Hillary precinct captain sort of took over and did her best, but it was very confusing, and I never fully figured out the rights of it. Basically, there were candidates for each of the three positions that people had made speeches about in the cafeteria earlier, but apparently we were supposed to just pick one set of local delegates who would vote for all three positions? But also, most people weren't very familiar with the candidates for each position and didn't have strong opinions, and somehow it seemed that we were supposed to vote for district attorney candidates as a proxy for selecting delegates, and the state senator and university regent positions did not get voted on, even though the delegates would be voting for those people too? Which was puzzling, especially because of the three positions, the only one I had any opinion on at all was state senator, but we did not take a vote on state senator. And it wasn't like people were running as a bloc, where if you picked a certain DA candidate you were also voting for a particular senator and regent candidate, so basically it was just all really confusing. Finally, a couple people who were aware of the races gave speeches in favor of various DA candidates, which were a little more useful than the ones in the cafeteria because they talked about some of the actual issues and stances like who had taken a stance against the death penalty and promised not to pursue it, etc., and we all voted, and then somehow we picked some delegates and I guess those people are just going to go to the county convention and vote for whoever they want for state senator and university regent? I'm still confused about this.

After that, which took about another half an hour, the precinct captain said she was pretty sure that we were done and could go (though really, you can leave a caucus at any time, you're not required to stay or anything, but you only get to vote for things you're actually present for, so you can't, like, show up, sign in, tell someone your preferred presidential candidate, and leave again before the vote if you want your vote actually counted), but she went off to check with the people running the caucus to be sure, and while she was gone one of the people who was originally uncommitted raised his hand to propose a resolution eliminating superdelegates, and then someone else was like, this isn't the place for that, and then they started having a (civil) argument about whether it was or not, and apparently it is? In that you can raise a resolution for anything at all at a caucus and try to get it passed, and the idea is that that's how regular people get involved in the political process? Which is all good and well, but frankly I'm guessing that a random dude wearing a cowboy hat at a high school in Denver isn't going to be the impetus for eliminating superdelegates, and it was hot and I was feeling maxed out, so I left, along with the two neighbors I had walked in with, and we all walked home together. I got home at about 8:45, so altogether, including walking time, I was gone for a little over two hours.

Altogether, I would say the experience was equal parts fascinating and tedious, but I know that Colorado has tossed around the idea of replacing our caucuses with regular primaries (and I believe, though I'm not sure, that the reason they didn't do that this year was something to do with scheduling--the caucus could be earlier in the year than a primary would be allowed to be--and they wanted to maintain their national relevance, so they kept it). But I have to say, I do really hope that they move to a regular primary system in the future, because it is both easier and more accessible for all voters. Still, I'm glad I had a chance to attend a caucus at least once, if only for the experience.