No surprise

Last night I was watching the Friends episodes where Chandler proposes to Monica, and they reminded me of exactly what it is about surprises that I don't like. Because yeah, I know, I'm weird, but I really don't.

I mean, I don't HATE surprises. Obviously if someone wants to surprise me with something lovely and unexpected, that's great. And it's fun to open gifts and not know what they are ahead of time.

But in general, I think that surprises are overrated. Surprise parties and surprise visits? Cute in theory, but in practice they mean that a) the person isn't prepared for them, might have other plans, or might just not be in the mood or in the right clothes or WHATEVER, and b) you lose the fun anticipation leading up to the event.

I had a friend visit me as a surprise in college one weekend. And yes, it was cute and fun, but I had a paper due that Monday that I hadn't even started yet. So we hung out, but a lot of the hanging out involved her sitting in my room watching me type. Whereas, if I had known in advance that she was coming, I would have written the paper ahead of time so that I could have had the whole weekend free to spend with her.

But the worst kind of surprise, in my opinion, is the kind that involves a ton of trickery and deceit to pull off. This is especially true of surprise marriage proposals. As far as I'm concerned, if two people agree to get married, it should be something that they have at least thought about before. So that means that if a proposal is going to be a surprise, considering that the person being proposed to has probably thought before about marriage, and if they're about to get engaged then they probably feel READY to get married... well, it seems that a lot of the time, the proposer builds this whole web of lies designed to make the proposal a surprise for the proposee.

And yes, the intentions might be good? But in practice, what happens is that the proposee ends up really upset in advance of the proposal. They think that their significant other doesn't want to marry them. They start questioning their whole relationship. They start wondering if they have a future with this person or if they were totally out on a limb by themselves. There are often tears, and serious self-doubt, and incredible unhappiness.

All that, just so the proposal can come as a total shock? SO not worth the trade-off for me.

With our engagement, it both was and was not a surprise. We had looked at rings together and I knew one had been purchased. I knew that there would be a proposal at some point. But when it came, on top of a cliff after a hike, I was totally caught off guard. I just didn't think that Torsten would have carried an expensive, as-yet-uninsured ring up a cliff with him. But surprise! He had.

That was the best kind of surprise. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't know when and where. He never tried to trick me into thinking that he wasn't serious about a future with me, and he didn't string me along for ages dropping fake hints. But he did pick a moment that I never would have expected him to pick. The best of both worlds, you know?

Am I alone in this? Do you like surprises or are any of you over here in the "I'd rather know about it and get to anticipate it and prepare for it" camp?

All by myself

Torsten is in DC at the moment, for work, and even though he's only gone for a few days this time, I seem to have lost all the enjoyment I had for living alone before I met him. Because I did live alone, for over a year, and I liked it a lot.

But it's not the living with someone that I like. It's living with Torsten specifically. It's feeling his presence in the house even as we're working in separate offices, and hearing his voice as he talks on the phone with colleagues and clients. It's going in to see how his day is going, and touching him, and kissing him. It's eating lunch with him and listening to him talk to Montana in a special doggy voice. It's going to the gym with him and then sitting in the hot tub next to the pool when we're done working out. It's cooking dinner and eating it together. It's sitting on the patio in the evenings, talking or reading the paper and telling each other about the interesting stories. It's going to bed together and cuddling until we fall asleep. And then waking up the next morning and doing it all over again. It's him.

The thing that I liked about living alone was that I could be me, I could be totally relaxed. I didn't have to worry about how I came across or regulate my behavior. Also, I recharge by being away from other people. So when we moved in together, I thought I might miss those things.

But what's amazing, and a big reason why I knew that our relationship was so right from the start, is that I feel exactly the same way with him. I don't need my space with him. I am literally just as relaxed when he is here as I am when I'm on my own. I act just the same way. I can recharge just as much. I am utterly, absolutely comfortable with him.

He is the only person I could ever imagine feeling that way about. He is the only person I think I could ever have moved in with without having an adjustment period, without needing my own space, without feeling crowded sometimes.

So yeah, when he's gone I can watch Friends and girly movies he doesn't want to see ad nauseum. But that's literally the only positive about the whole situation. I miss him. I don't sleep as well. I wake up at night and feel alone (not to mention the fact that I overanalyze every sound and convince myself that there are burglars in the house. Despite the fact that the dog is totally unperturbed). The house feels cavernous and silent.

And the weather isn't helping. It's gotten very cold (for July) over the last few days, and we've seen a lot of gray skies and rain. It's still sunny during the day for at least a little while, but for the most part it's gloomy and silent. Which makes me feel more alone.

I love him. I miss him. I feel his absence and I don't like the way it feels. I want him to come down. Two days left is two days too long.

Domestic division of labor

Slynnro recently posted about the way she and her husband divide up domestic tasks and it got me thinking about the same thing. Torsten and I do not do the inside/outside division, and we never sat down and said, OK, I'll do this chore if you'll do that one. The way the chips have fallen is pretty much based on who is good at what, who has time for what, and who absolutely can't stand doing what.

Also, these things aren't set in stone. For example, occasionally I mow the lawn, and sometimes Torsten takes the dog to the dog park. But I've only filed the task under "both" if it's split fairly evenly between us.

Torsten:

• Mows the lawn
• Trims the weeds with the electric trimmer
  
• Does the laundry
• Mops
• Goes to Costco
• Deals with things that break
• Researches big purchases
• Does handyman type stuff (installs towel racks, seals cracks in the driveway, etc.)
• Shovels snow (though we haven't had to do much of this since it's only snowed a couple times since we moved into our house, so this could change)
  

I:

• Manage finances/pay bills
  
• Take the dog to the dog park
• Run most errands
• Take out the trash
• Pull weeds by hand
  
• Deal with paperwork (i.e., mortgage, taxes)
• Plan vacations and logistics
• Straighten up the house
• Change lightbulbs (don't ask me why, since I'm eight inches shorter)
  

We both:

• Vacuum
• Cook
• Clean the kitchen
• Fold the laundry
• Feed and bathe the dog
• Drive
• Grocery shop
• Kill bugs (only under extreme duress)
• Walk the dog
  

For us, it works out fairly evenly. I do a lot of life management type stuff, like scheduling and organizing, but I am more detail-oriented and I also work less at my actual paid job than Torsten does, so it works out. Neither of us feels like we do too much or too little.

What about you? If you have a significant other, how do you divide up the tasks?

Dog park politics

Yesterday afternoon, Montana was involved in a minor incident with another dog at the dog park. Well, I say it was minor. The other owner might not agree. I still haven't figured out what to make of the whole thing.

First, as background, there are a few pertinent facts.

1. Over the nearly five months that Montana has been with us, she has gone from not knowing at all how to engage with other dogs to truly enjoying playtime at the dog park. Her favorite type of playing is chase, followed closely by doggy wrestling.
2. There are some dogs that she won't play with and some dogs that she always plays with. There are also a couple dogs that always want to play with her when she doesn't want to, and some dogs that she always wants to play with when they don't want to. This is the case for most dogs at the dog park.
3. For the most part, dogs seem pretty well able to regulate themselves at the dog park. Occasionally a skirmish or fight will break out, requiring owner involvement. But most of the time, if a dog wants to play and another dog doesn't want to, the other dog will make its feelings very clear by walking away or snarling at the other dog.
4. The other dog involved in the incident with Montana is a 10-month-old shepherd puppy that Montana absolutely loves, and who does not love Montana. Every time this dog comes to the dog park, Montana tries to play with him, and he never wants to. This does not deter her from trying.
5. Montana's way of playing involves running after a dog until she catches up with it, then gently pouncing or otherwise trying to engage in wrestling with the dog. She is also very verbal and barks loudly at dogs she wants to play with. She does not take shit from dogs she doesn't want to play with, and she also doesn't beat up on other dogs. If a dog she's playing with ends up on the ground, she will wait excitedly for it to get up. She has never once tried to go after a dog that was on the ground.
   
6. Many other dogs play the same way as Montana. They run after each other and when they catch each other, they wrestle. The way they normally catch each other is by cutting off the angle so that the dog they're chasing can't get by.
   
7. The dog in question is extremely submissive. He always crawls on his belly and rolls on his back when playing. He is also intimidated by Montana. I think her playful barking scares him. Whenever she tries to play with him, he ducks down low to the ground and slinks away.

So yesterday at the dog park, Montana caught sight of the other dog. Wanting to play with him, as always, she ran after him, full-speed. He ran away. She caught up with him, and most likely tried to cut him off, at which point they collided, hard. Montana was fine, but the other dog collapsed on the ground, yelping. This attracted the attention of all the other dogs at the dog park, who all ran over to see what was happening, which caused all their owners to run after them to pull them away.

The dog was fine, just shaken up. His owner pulled him up and he wasn't injured, limping, or anything else. Within three minutes, he was happily playing again like nothing had happened. Still, it was one of those incidents that was very noticeable. At first I didn't realize that Montana was the other dog in the collision. She had walked away like nothing had happened and was sniffing around maybe 100 feet away, totally unconcerned, which is always what happens when there's an incident at the dog park--she never gets involved.

Once I figured out that it was Montana who collided with the other dog, I went to the owner and apologized, and petted the dog and made sure he was OK, which he clearly was. And I thought that would be the end of it, except that the owner was clearly pissed about it. He didn't scream or pitch a fit or anything, but when I apologized, he said in an annoyed voice, "She always does that to him." When I asked what he meant, he said that Montana was always trying to dominate his dog, harassing him and trying to cut him off when he ran so she could knock him over.

I didn't quite know what to say. In that moment, I saw the way he must perceive us: Montana as the out-of-control, aggressive dog and me as the passive owner who thinks it's all in good fun when really it isn't at all. There are dogs like that at the dog park, and owners. But I have been thinking about this since it happened, and I absolutely do not think Montana qualifies. The dogs that I see as aggressive are the ones that bite, and snarl without provocation, and go after dogs that are already down, and instigate fights. The useless owners are the ones who don't watch their dogs at all and who ignore situations where their dog is clearly being aggressive toward another dog.

And that's not Montana, and it's not me. She is never aggressive toward other dogs, ever. She never tries to dominate. And this wasn't an act of aggression--it was an accidental collision.

Still, I could see how the owner perceived it, and I could sort of see where he was coming from. Montana does always try to play with his dog, and his dog never engages back. Now that a collision has occurred, the owner looks back at those other times with more annoyance and frustration than he did before.

The thing is, his dog never regulated the situation. Yes, he's submissive, but Montana never attacked him, never tried to hurt him, never really even bothered him. All she ever did was run after him and try to play with him, and dogs do that with other dogs all the time. And most of the time, if a dog doesn't want to play with another dog, and the other dog is being persistent about it, the first dog will set limits by snarling or something. This dog never did that.

And the owner never talked to me, never said, hey, I know your dog is just playing but could you call her off? So I had no idea that he thought this behavior was a problem, and in fact I don't think he did think it was a problem until this collision happened, and then he looked back at it and decided that it had been a problem.

Anyway, he was angry about it, and since I could sort of understand it, even though I felt like he was overreacting, I didn't want to stand there making a bunch of justifications about it. I did say that I really thought she was just trying to play and was definitely not trying to dominate his dog. He did concede on that point, but he said it didn't matter because the point is, my dog harasses his dog and that's what led to this whole thing.

So, I told him that in the future, when my dog tries to play with his, I'll call her off. And he said OK, but he was clearly still pissed about it.

And actually, I'm a little bit pissed about it too. I thought about it long and hard, after going to the gym to clear my head, and if the situation were reversed, there's no way I would have reacted like that. In fact, Montana was once trampled by a pair of labs chasing after a tennis ball, and when the owner apologized, I said, quite honestly, that it wasn't a big deal and that you have to expect that these sorts of things will happen at the dog park. And I still believe that.

If you can't deal with the occasional accidental collision between your dog and another one, when all the other one wants to do is play, you probably shouldn't be bringing your dog to the dog park. It's one thing if a dog displays aggression, but that's not what this was, not at all. Montana is always under control at the dog park, she plays very well with pretty much every other dog there, and she is a big favorite of most of the other owners.

To me, it seems like an unfortunate incident where luckily, nobody was hurt, the dogs have most likely already forgotten about it, and it generally wasn't a big deal. Now that it's happened, I'll pay more attention to Montana's interactions with this dog, but I still don't think that she has ever really crossed a line with him. But I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, am I seeing this all wrong? Was this guy justified in being so pissed off?

Still can't believe it's almost August

We've been really busy at work recently, with the result that I've had at least a little bit of work to do on each of the last three weekends. What's funny is that I don't even mind; maybe it's something about working from home all the time, but it doesn't feel like as much of an invasion as it used to be, and I enjoy the sense of peaceful accomplishment once I've finished. Also, I've found that I'm good at weekend time management. I can usually calculate pretty accurately how long it will take me to finish my work, which still leaves me plenty of time to have fun.

And oh, speaking of having fun, this weekend I had brunch with the amazing heidikins! I cannot tell you how excited I was when she emailed me to tell me that she was coming to Denver and to ask if I would be around and interested in meeting up. I can't even remember how long I've been reading her blog, but it was definitely one of the first that I read. And also, it was a guest post on her blog that led me to find the perfect purple shoes for my wedding.

My point is, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for her and was therefore totally thrilled to finally get to meet her in person. And she is exactly like what I was expecting, except even more so: gorgeous, sweet, hilarious, smart. Just great. I love that we live so near each other now, but "near" is a relative term (7.5-hour drive), unfortunately. But hey, her home town does have the closest Ikea to Denver, so maybe there will be a multipurpose trip sometime in the future.

And speaking of trips, Torsten and I have pretty much decided (with your help, of course) that our fall vacation will be a southwestern road trip through New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah. We haven't figured out the exact details of when and where, but there will be a stay with my aunt and uncle in Arizona, and some canyon and mountain visiting, and also possibly a rented convertible.

I am inordinately excited about this. I just love that we live within driving distance of so many cool places. I've never been to New Mexico, and (horrifyingly, considering that I have family there), I haven't been to Arizona since I was in high school, or to Utah since I was... seven? I think?

Anyway, my point is, it's high time for another visit to these places! And how cool is it that we can just hop in the car and GO THERE? In less than a day? We will definitely be taking our fancypants wedding gift camera, so there will be many photos when we get back. Assuming we haven't melted from the hot, hot heat, that is.

Oh, and lastly, the wedding magazine giveaway? A few of you said you were interested, so I picked someone at random, and the winner is Sarah! So, Sarah, send me your name and address (duwaxloolu at gmail) and I'll transfer the subscription over to you.

Happy Monday!

Band-induced vomiting. And a magazine giveaway!

First of all, does anyone want a 10-month subscription to Brides magazine? Apparently, I was given a free subscription when I purchased something online recently. I called to find out how this happened and the woman told me that it was probably a free gift with a purchase from an Amazon wedding registry. Which, a) I haven't purchased anything from an Amazon wedding registry, and b) why would you possibly give a bridal magazine to someone who purchases something off a registry? They themselves aren't getting married!

Anyway, for whatever reason, I have this subscription, and seeing as how my wedding was last year, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to use it. So, any engaged or wedding-obsessed readers out there want it? It's a yearlong subscription and I've received two issues so far. If you want it, just let me know in the comments. If there's more than one person who wants it, I'll pick a random winner and then just switch the address on the subscription from mine to yours so future issues get sent directly to your house.

Now, moving on to the actual thing I wanted to write about: last night I had my first band-related puking incident. In fact, it was the first time that I can recall vomiting since 2005. I'm not a puker. But this was a different kind of vomiting.

We were eating dinner. It was spaghetti with whole-wheat noodles. I try to minimize the amount of carbs that I eat, since I know they don't go over so well with the band and I'm supposed to be focusing on protein anyway. But I thought it was OK since, after all, I've only had two fills, and it was whole wheat, and there was a lot of meat in the sauce, and I've tolerated other carbs, like sushi rice, since I had my second fill.

But no. I've had a couple of times in the past where I've eaten too much too fast and had mildly painful chest tightness, but this was different. I'd only had maybe three bites when suddenly I felt incredible pain and tightness in my chest (i.e., esophagus). It was horrible. I mean, the pain was REALLY intense. I could still breathe, but I still had kind of a choking sensation.

I stopped eating immediately, and tried to burp, or wait it out, or something to make it better. But then I got the sensation that I might throw up, so I got up and went to the edge of the patio (we were eating outside), just in time to puke up everything I'd eaten. At first I thought that was the end of it, but then the chest pain came back, and I ended up vomiting three more times. Then I burped, and then I started to feel better. Although I still didn't feel totally right for an hour or so afterward.

I'm still not quite sure what happened. I don't know if something got stuck or I just ate too fast or didn't chew enough or what. But I do know that that was an experience that I never wish to repeat, ever. I guess I'll have to start being better about chewing my food.

Daily routines

Last week, I went to the gym six times. And this week, I'm on track to do the same thing.

I still can't get over how good I feel about this. It's not like this is the first time I've ever been to the gym, because it isn't, at all. But it's the first time that I've ever gone nearly this often. And I am really liking it. Maybe it's because this time the gym isn't free in our apartment complex, so I feel more compelled to go and make use of my paid membership? Or because it has a pool and water aerobics classes and I love swimming?

Regardless, I go. Almost every day. And I like it.

I like it so much, in fact, that I have this crazy niggling thought in the back of my mind about maybe, someday, some VERY FAR OFF day, doing a triathlon. I know. It's insane. But I'm thinking about it. And I really want to do it. I wrote more about that over at Bodies.

I think it's a good long-term goal to add to all my short-term goals. Last night as I was swimming, I was thinking about that triathlon, and I swam faster and with fewer breaks than I'd been able to do before. It's very motivating.

The one thing about going to the gym is that it has totally changed our daily routine. We work, and I finish sooner than Torsten, so I take Montana to the dog park while he finishes up. When I get back, we go to the gym. The gym takes about two hours, what with getting ready to go, driving there, getting all my pool stuff ready, actually swimming for an hour, showering, getting dressed, and driving home.

So by the time we actually get home, it's usually already 8:30 or so, and we haven't eaten dinner yet. Torsten usually grills food for dinner, which takes about half an hour, meaning that we don't even eat dinner until 9 or so. Sometimes it's really tempting to just go into Whole Foods to grab dinner instead. Especially because it's in the same plaza as the gym. In fact, it's literally right next door.

But for the most part, we're able to resist the temptation, which means we don't usually finish dinner until around 9:30. And we have to get up early for work because we start on East Coast time, so we try to be in bed by 10:30. So that leaves us an hour of time to relax, get something done that we've been needing to do, etc. And an hour just isn't very much time. Plus, with the time difference, by the time I have any free time it's nearly midnight on the East Coast, which makes it hard for me to find time to call my family.

Still, I kind of like the routine. It feels simple, and healthy. We're at the gym together, and plus we're in the house together working all day long, so it's not like we don't get to spend time together. We still have time to talk, in the morning and in the car and over dinner and in the evening and in bed. We definitely still have plenty of quality interaction. It feels privileged, really, to have the kind of schedule that allows us to do all this every day without feeling totally stressed and overwrought at the end of it.

However, I have to say, thank god we don't commute. Because if we had even short-ish commutes, this routine would be impossible. And in fact, now that I think about it, I think that's really the reason that I never went to the gym six days a week before. The round-trip commute added an extra hour and a half to my daily work time, and sometimes you'd get home after a long day at work and an unpleasant ride on the bus or Metro, and the last thing you'd want to do is put on your gym clothes and go work out.

Now, there are no excuses. When I'm done working, I walk down the stairs, and voila--I'm home. And therefore, we can use that time that would have been spent commuting at the gym instead. And we do.

What about you? What's your daily routine like? Does it stress you out, or does it work for you?

On gift giving styles

Yesterday a reader left a comment on my post expressing shock that I have already selected the gift that I want Torsten to give me when I get pregnant. And I was caught off guard because to me, first of all that's not a regular thing to do, and second of all it's not that big of a deal. But it got me thinking about gift-giving habits, and how different and personal they are to different people and families.

I grew up in a family where gifts were pretty lavish, especially on Christmas. We didn't go totally nuts year-round and we weren't spoiled, but gift-opening on Christmas morning always took quite a long time, considering that there were only four of us. Somehow it seems that my mom always gets the most presents, which is fun--my dad gives her lots of stuff and my sister and I collect little things for her all year long and then give them all to her at Christmas.

I know that some families do things very differently--just one present, or a couple presents, per person for a holiday. I know that my sister's ex-husband was from one of those families, and was a little uncomfortable at his first Christmas with our family to see all the gifts that were being exchanged--even though many of them were inexpensive.

As well, as my sister and I got older we started picking out some of our own gifts. Basically, our parents didn't buy us stuff just because we wanted it. If we found something we liked, we had the option of either paying for it ourselves or having our parents buy it for us for the next gift-giving occasion. So then, when we unwrapped our presents for our birthday or Christmas, there would definitely be exclamations of, "Oh yeah! I forgot about this!"

And now, with Torsten, things are somewhat similar. I don't often issue specific requests, like "here's the link, buy me this," but we do talk about what we want for gift-giving holidays ahead of time. For his birthday, which was right after our wedding, Torsten didn't want a present at all--we'd already gotten a ton of stuff, we were on our honeymoon, he couldn't think of anything he really wanted, and he figured he'd rather save the money than buy something just because. This year, I think our main Christmas gift to each other will be a piece of furniture that we choose together. For my last two birthdays, we've taken weekend trips instead of a gift (one to Chicago and one to Glenwood Springs).

We do still try to give each other one little surprise gift. For his birthday, for example, he said he didn't want anything but I gave him a set of beer glasses, which he loved and uses every day. For my birthday, we went to Glenwood Springs but he also bought me a book on interior decorating and got me purple flowers. And so forth.

And on the baby rattle thing... well. I wouldn't normally tell Torsten that I wanted something so specific. But I came across that rattle one day, and fell in love. I just think it's amazing. And I want it. But obviously not now, when there's no baby in sight.

But I know this probably sounds crazy to a lot of people, people for whom gifts are awkward or people who don't do gifts at all, or people for whom gifts MUST be a surprise and are never discussed with the recipient until they are actually given.

So tell me, what is your gift giving style? As an adult, have you had to make adjustments to the gift giving philosophy you grew up with?

I want...

Let's change the subject to something a tad lighter, shall we? Because I need to snap myself out of this. And what better way to do that than through some online window shopping?

So, here are some things I want. And don't have. Yes, this is a very unfortunate situation.

1. Marimekko bed linens.


Because they are beautiful, even if they aren't purple. But the king size duvet cover alone costs $100. And we shouldn't really be spending that kind of money on sheets right now.

2. The Man in the Moon silver baby rattle from Tiffany.


To be fair, I don't want this rattle right now. I want it as a gift from Torsten when I get pregnant. I just think it's beautiful and elegant, and would be so meaningful. It's one of the very few things from Tiffany that I think is worth the money.

3. The Etoile bangle from Tiffany, in platinum.
I can't find the exact one on their website, but I tried it on in their store once, and it was amazing. It also cost $6,700. This is one of many things from Tiffany that I do not think is worth the money. But I love it.

4. The Shoshana Cutout Daisy Belted Dress


Apparently, I have expensive taste. But that's OK, because even if I could afford this dress, it would never fit in a million years.

5. The Saab 93 convertible.


This is our dream car and has been forever. But it also starts at $42,000. And we have a perfectly lovely Civic that cost about a quarter of that. And we don't need a second car. But ooh, do we ever want.

What are YOU coveting right now?

Stormy

Almost every evening this summer, at around 5 o'clock, a thunderstorm has rolled in. Some of the storms have been pretty nasty but most are mild, relatively speaking--they're intense while they last but they're short-lived and often you can see the sun somewhere in the distance even while the storms are going on.

This apparently isn't the norm for Colorado summers, but it's all we know of this state so far, and really, it hasn't bothered us. It's a little annoying when it starts to rain right when we're planning to go to the dog park, but the storms are so short that it's usually worthwhile to go anyway and assume the rain will have cleared up by the time you get there.

Recently, the storms haven't been happening quite as often, and while I didn't miss them, when one started last night at around 7:30 in the evening, it felt good. It felt cleansing. I sat on the patio and watched the sky turn gray and the trees begin to sway, and the drops begin to fall. It felt right.

I've been having trouble coping with the death of our neighbors' baby, and it's hard for me to pinpoint the reason why, beyond the obvious, the horrible tragedy of the whole thing. It's not that I'm taking it personally, exactly--it's not like I'm envisioning that the same thing will happen to us someday. It's just that it's so sad, and it hits so close to home, literally and figuratively. Maybe because I'd related it so closely to the purchase of our home and our own future plans.

We had talked with our neighbors about how our oldest child might be only a couple years younger than their youngest. We had talked with them about the baby before we even made the offer on the house, when we were just chatting about the neighborhood while Torsten and I were making our final decision on whether or not we were sure this house was for us. Even then, even before we had made the offer on the house, we had planned to bring them dinner when the baby was born.

We made them dinner on Saturday. Torsten made lasagna and I baked a chocolate cake, and it was my first attempt at baking at high altitude, and the whole time I was making it I was so sad about the reason for it. And I kept thinking about how we'd planned to make them this exact dinner under totally different, and happier, circumstances.

I bought them a sympathy card and there were two other people crowded in front of the tiny sympathy section of the card aisle with me, and I felt so sad about all the sad things that were going on in the world that required sympathy cards. I thought about the congratulatory card we had planned to buy them when the baby was born, and I almost cried right there in the middle of Target.

We bought them flowers and I was totally flummoxed about what would be appropriate. I didn't want anything wildly bright and cheerful, and also nothing too incredibly funereal, and definitely not anything baby pink, or even baby blue. Finally I selected a bouquet of magenta snapdragons and a bouquet of white dendrobium orchids and explained the situation to the florist and asked her to combine the two. And she looked at me with huge sympathy and made a beautiful arrangement out of them. And I felt so sad.

When we brought over dinner they were so effusively thankful, as much as they could have been under the circumstances, and I felt so bad because it's such a small gesture and honestly, it probably does more for us than it does for them, because really, what could it do for them, what could anything do for them? Yes, it helps them get through the mechanics of their day and that's probably the most anybody can do for them right now. Because what can anyone do when your child has died?

And when we brought over dinner we talked with them briefly, and the father, who knows that Torsten and I look forward to having our own children eventually, made sure to tell us that this sort of thing is incredibly rare, that it's one in a million, that there is no reason to worry that it will ever happen to us. And I just looked at him, this man so struck by his own grief and yet still thoughtful enough to think about how it might affect others, and still able to reach out and comfort others even though it seems unlikely that anyone can reach out and comfort him. And I felt so sad.

I think what makes me so sad is that I know that the grief I am feeling for this child and for this family is only the tiniest sliver of the grief they themselves are feeling. I know that the plans we had in relation to this child--make a dinner, buy a card, bring a gift, maybe someday have our child play with her--were so minuscule compared to all the plans and dreams and hopes that this family had for this child. And I feel so sad just with my own tiny sliver of pain and grief, and I cannot imagine how huge and all-encompassing their own wells of pain and grief must be.

And yet they soldier on, and they are nice, and they are thoughtful, and they watch their older daughter in her first-ever camp play, and they soothe their younger daughter when she develops a fever, and they look for a grief counselor and they try to reconfigure their thoughts about their future--maybe they will work more than they had planned?--and sometimes they even smile and sometimes they even, sort of, laugh.

And the strength and the grace and the courage that they exhibit in doing all those things in the face of the unbearable pain they must be feeling... that's almost the worst part. Because they are trying to learn how to live with the inner storm, the storm going on inside that makes the storm outside look like a peaceful, sunny day. And they are slowly succeeding, and yet I imagine that they will never wholly succeed.

In honor of Lilia

A blog post may not be an appropriate venue for this, but I want to remember Lilia.

Lilia was my neighbors' daughter. She died on Sunday, in utero at 38 weeks. There was an undetected knot in her umbilical cord and over the weekend, apparently it tightened, cutting off oxygen to the baby and killing her. She was due to be born on July 26.

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child, any child, at any stage of life. The pain of trying to move on with your life, to take solace in the health of the two beautiful daughters you already have. The pain of waking up to feel no movement from your normally active baby, of going to the hospital only for them to confirm that they can't find a heartbeat. The pain of giving birth to a child whose fate you already know. The pain of going to the airport four days later to pick up the au pair you no longer need.

The family, our neighbors who are quickly also becoming our friends, were so happy and excited about this baby. We were at their house for Sabbath dinner just two days before it happened. They proudly showed us where the baby's room would be, and when we admired the beautiful portrait of their two daughters, spoke with mock exasperation of having to update it once number 3 was born. We joked about Photoshopping her in. We talked about doulas and birthplans. There was so much joy.

I am just so sad, and so sorry, about the death of this baby girl. Lilia, who was already so loved and would have had such a happy life with a wonderful family. And who, in turn, would have provided that wonderful family with so much happiness herself.

Help plan our trip

So, this fall Torsten and I are hoping to take a week off of work and go on some sort of relaxing vacation. This would happen either in early September or sometime in October, more likely the latter. We have a few parameters, but they are basic, and as of yet we have no idea where we want to go.

So, that's where you come in! What were some trips you've been on that you loved? Trips that you've been dying to take forever? Trips that you think would just absolutely be perfect for us? Trips that are especially good in fall?

Here are the parameters:

• It can't be wildly expensive. For example, we considered an Alaskan cruise, but to do it right (i.e., take a one-way glacier cruise with a balcony cabin) would cost about $3,000, and we don't have that kind of money. We could do it the cheap way (round-trip with an inside cabin) for about half that cost, but it's the kind of thing we'll probably only do once, so we'd rather wait until we have more money and then spend the cash on doing it the best possible way.
• It needs to be somewhere in North America. Preferably somewhere to which we can fly direct from Denver, and for not too much money.
• It needs to be relaxing. No insane rushing around trying to cram too many things into a too-short trip. And nowhere where we run the risk of being caught in an early-season snowstorm.

See? Not so many parameters. We are really quite flexible. Every idea we've come up with sounds like it would be fabulous, but nothing except the Alaskan cruise (which I have always wanted to do) really made us both be like, YES. But we just do not have $3,000 to drop on a week-long vacation right now.

Other places we have considered, and not ruled out:

• Mexico (maybe Puerto Vallarta?)
• San Francisco
• New York City
• Maine
• Vancouver
• Belize
  
• A road trip north through Wyoming, Montana, and the Dakotas, or maybe west/south through New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah (bonus: we could bring the dog, I think, depending on the availability of pet-friendly hotels)
• Hawaii (again, too expensive, I think, though I haven't looked into it and I have heard that there are cheap deals to Hawaii right now)
• Random last-minute deal we find on Travelzoo to who knows where, as long as it's cheap and nice

So, what do you think? Should we go to one of these places? Or somewhere else altogether? What do you recommend?

Do I WANT to meet these people?

First things first, for those of you who didn't catch this on Twitter, Montana was absolutely fine with her tooth cleaning yesterday. She woke up easily and came home a little subdued and groggy but still seemingly feeling good. And Torsten and I cannot BELIEVE how white her teeth are. Seriously, see the before and after pictures on this site? That is EXACTLY what happened with her. Now we are fully committed to brushing them regularly so that we don't have to have this done again anytime soon.

Anyway, so that's the dog update. In other news, I checked out Meetup yesterday to see if there are some cool area groups. Is it bad that I'm a little scared of groups of people who all have one thing in common? Like dog owners. Some dog owners I adore but others I cannot STAND. So a dog-friendly happy hour? I just don't know.

Or, OK, what about a cribbage meetup? I love cribbage and Torsten doesn't really like games, so it seems like the perfect thing for me. But a group of people about whom I know nothing except that they like cribbage? Is it going to be like some sort of strange Dungeons and Dragons meetup only with playing cards?

Also, I found a group for German expats in Denver and asked Torsten if he'd be interested in joining. And his response, literally, was, "God no!" He went on to elaborate, "Why would I want to meet up with a bunch of Germans?!" His parents would weep to hear him express such a sentiment, but not me. I'm more like, MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

Lastly, I had my second fill yesterday, and I think I'm going to feel some restriction this time, which I'm very much looking forward to. But at the moment I am grumpily back on the liquid puree diet for two days. TWO DAYS suddenly feels like forever. Looking back, I have NO IDEA how I made it three whole weeks without eating solid food. Seriously, I was a liquid diet ROCK STAR. Crying fits and all.

Doggy "surgery"

In a little while I'm going to take the dog to the vet to have her teeth cleaned. For those of you not familiar with the process, this is not a simple half-hour checkup with the dentist. It's an all-day thing, and expensive, due to the fact that they put the dog under general anesthesia while they're doing it.

Her tartar has actually gotten much better since we got her--at first, her mouth looked like one of those "before" photos, and now she doesn't have that much tartar--but it's still not great, and tartar can cause diseases, so we're going to have them cleaned and then continue with the hard food, the chew toys, the dental treats, and the tooth-brushing to make sure that the teeth cleaning does not become a regular thing.

We would have had them cleaned earlier, but she was only just spayed in January and the vet recommended waiting a few months before putting her under anesthesia again.

The fact that she was spayed without a problem makes me feel better--but I still worry about her. It's funny--I hardly worried about my OWN surgery, because a) I was convinced, for whatever reason, that it would be fine, and b) I figured that if I died on the table, I'd never know about it, so no harm done TO ME (yes I recognize that my husband and loved ones would not feel this way about me dying but I absolutely believe that it is much easier to die, especially in a painless way like just not waking up from surgery, than to survive the death of someone you care about).

And it's not like I think Montana's going to die. She's young, she's healthy, she's been under anesthesia before, tons of dogs do this every day and they all come through it fine, I KNOW ALL THIS. But I just worry. Possibly more about her than about people. I just suspect that the testing before anesthesia isn't quite as thorough with dogs as it is with people.

She's just such an amazing dog. She not only fetches now, but she has also learned to swim! And the way we got her to swim was by throwing her tennis ball into a pond. A week ago she wouldn't even LOOK at a tennis ball, and now it's enough to get her to brave swimming into the middle of a pond! AND she has recently started doing this thing when we leave the dog park where she looks at me walking toward the gate with her leash and deliberately sprints off in the other direction. This is in direct contrast to before, when she would stick to our sides like glue as if she were afraid that we would leave without her.

Clearly, something has changed over the last week. She has become more comfortable and she KNOWS we aren't going to leave her behind, anywhere. Which is FABULOUS to see. And I love watching her personality come out more and more as she gets increasingly comfortable with us.

I know she'll be fine and that getting rid of excessive tartar buildup is really important to her long-term health, which is why we're doing this. But still. I'll be glad when the day is over and the vet calls to say that she's awake and fine and ready to be picked up. With nice shiny white teeth. I just want it to be over.

My poor doggy.

Year to date

It has now been almost exactly five months since Torsten and I loaded all of our stuff into our car and the moving van and embarked on a three-day drive to Denver. And you know how people say that things simultaneously feel like they happened yesterday and that they happened years ago? Well, this isn't like that. This just flat-out feels like it happens years ago. In the best possible way.

I don't miss DC. I miss living in the same city as my sister and I miss my friends there and I miss being within driving distance of my parents--but I don't miss living in DC. I don't miss our apartment, and I don't miss not having a car and relying on the bus and Metro to get everywhere, and I don't miss working in an office, and I don't miss being the incredibly hot, sticky summer and the cold, gray winter, and I don't miss the very businesslike attitude so many people had and the way nobody talked to strangers and nobody had pets. I just don't miss the city. I don't miss the feel of it.

The thing is that I loved DC while I was there, and before I was there, which is why I chose to move there. I am so glad I lived there, and not just because if I hadn't lived there I would never have met Torsten. It was a great place to move after college, and three years was the right amount of time to live there. And it was my choice to live in DC that got me involved in nonprofit work, which is how I learned that I could combine my love of editing with my desire to do something that felt meaningful to me.

I'm not trying to say that DC sucks, is my point. Because it doesn't, at all. It's a great city with lots to do (and a lot of it is free), and lots of culture and gorgeous architecture and interesting people and it's very multicultural and it has an excellent public transportation system and some really lovely parks. It has a vibe and a feeling and a culture all of its own, and that's fantastic.

But it wasn't the city for me, and so I don't miss it.

Also, five months in, I cannot possibly be more glad that I ended up keeping my job. I love working from home, absolutely love it, but it's more than that. And I love the excellent benefits I get (the perks of working for a nonprofit--they pay very little but they make up for it in benefits), but it's more than that, too.

I love my job itself. I love the work that I do and the people that I work with. I love that they value me as much as I value them. I love that I've been given the latitude to move in the direction I want with my work. I love that even from 1600 miles away, I feel very involved in my office and our work. I love that I'm good at what I do and that I have learned so much about public health in the past 3+ years that I've been working in the field.

I feel valuable. I feel like I'm contributing. I feel like the work I do is meaningful. I really ENJOY working. And I also enjoy that I work at a place that really values work-life balance, that does more than just pay lip service to it, that actively encourages it.

When I first got into public health after college, it was basically by accident. I was applying to every editing-related job I could find in DC, and the one I ended up with was in the nonprofit public health field, and it was a pretty good first job. And then a coworker from my first job left the company and a few months later gave me a call to tell me about a position that had opened up at her new company, and I ended up getting that job, and really liking it.

If I had taken the new job in Denver, things would be very different. I would be much more about online marketing and social media and not really at all about editing. I would be working in the private sector getting a higher salary but much worse benefits, and probably working much longer hours. The guy who offered me the job was great, and I'm sure I would have enjoyed working with him, but I don't think that ultimately I would have wanted to stay with that company, or in that field, forever.

Whereas with the job I have, I feel like it's really a CAREER. I could see staying with this job, moving up within the company but continuing to do the same type of work, indefinitely. And I think I'd be happy doing it. So I think it was the much better option for me. And I'm glad I figured that out in time to accept their offer. Even though I will always be grateful to the company whose job I turned down for opening up the opportunity for us to move to Denver, even though it turned out I didn't actually need that job to do it.

What about you guys? Are you happy with the city you live in and the job you work in? Or do you want to change one or the other, or both?

Happy things on a happy Friday

It's been a great week. I thought it would drag after the three-day week I had last week, but it's actually gone by remarkably fast, and I'm feeling great. A few things that have helped out with that:

1. I figured out (after two and a half wasted months) that we don't have to wait until we file our 2009 taxes to claim our first-time homebuyer tax credit. It is very simple to file an amendment to your 2008 return to get the tax credit this year. I did so on Wednesday and now we have only to wait a couple months until we get it, then use it to pay off the surgery completely, saving ourselves a chunk of credit card interest. Then we can put the money we were going to use to pay off the surgery into a high-interest savings account, where we will actually EARN money on it instead of PAYING interest on it, until we have enough to pay for new windows.
2. Yesterday at the dog park, Montana spontaneously started fetching. She had sort of fetched a couple times in the past, in that she would run after the ball if you managed to get her attention, and bring it back once or twice before losing interest--and even that has only happened a couple times--but yesterday? She just suddenly pounced on a ball that she found at the dog park, so I threw it for her, and she sprinted after it full speed. And did it again, 15 or 20 more times, until we had to leave. A random spectator would have thought she was just ONE OF THOSE DOGS WHO FETCHES. I recognize that this sounds mundane to most people, but you guys, we have been trying to get her to do this for FOUR MONTHS. And then, out of nowhere, she just... DID.
3. A website that I worked really hard on for a year and a half (the huge deliverable that I had to get done right before my wedding) has FINALLY gone live. It took forever because of various holdups not related to our work, but the client has now put it on the internet for all to see. And it looks very similar to the version we submitted, which I'm proud of. And no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to link it here because it's work-related, but I still had to mention it because I'm so excited about it. (But don't be sad that it's not linked, because most of you would probably find it really boring.)
4. I am really loving this regular gym thing. I love swimming and I love that I feel fitter and more energetic already. I love that with the gym you see results SO FAST. Seriously, whereas normally right before my period I gain a couple pounds and get touchy and hormonal? This time I was totally normal, mood-wise (Torsten corroborates this) and I actually LOST a couple pounds during the days when I normally GAIN them. I am totally chalking this up to the exercise thing.
5. I'm starting to feel really settled in Denver. I have a few friends--one of whom is about to move back to the East Coast, which I'm sad about, but she is coming over for dinner this weekend. I have Jeni, and Rosie, and Kath, and two really cool girls I met at the dog park, and our very nice neighbors. I feel like I'm starting to build a social network, and that makes me happy.

What's making you happy these days?

People I have (barely) known

Something about moving 1600 miles away from your old home, and from the coast where most of your family lives, makes you think sometimes about the people that have come and gone from your life. Because when you move that far away from most of your friends, only the strong friendships survive. And really, that's fine. Honestly, I imagine that the people whose friendship has become fainter with distance--well, I think it would have become fainter with time, too, eventually.

But I've been thinking about other people, the kind of people who come in and out of your lives very briefly, the kind you never really get to know but who you remember for one reason or another. The ones you know hardly anything about--maybe you know only their first name, or only their last. You know almost nothing about their background or life circumstances. But you talked with them, chatted with them, had some sort of connection with them. You know those people?

Anyway, here are five such people from my life. People that I will likely never see again, not least because I don't even know how to get in touch with most of them, and also because I don't have the kind of relationship with them where I could call, if I did have their numbers, and be like, "So... what's up?"

1. Larry. He worked at the front desk of our apartment building in DC. He was also a musician and a music producer. He was really nice. He always chatted with me in the morning and told me to have a safe ride to work. He had dreadlocks and a really old car, and he wore very stylish, but not over the top, clothes. He lived in the building and every now and then we would see him with his girlfriend in the grocery store.
   
2. Ms. Larson. She worked at the prison training program and she was Montana's favorite. She was the one who brought Montana to meet us when we arrived at the prison for our dog interviews. When we were trying to decide between Montana and the other dog, she suggested that we take both, and we would have been tempted if it weren't for our then-apartment's pet weight limit. When we were in the go-home class and Montana was going through her commands with her inmate handler, Ms. Larson walked in the room and Montana saw her and immediately started whining to be able to go see her.
   
3. Matt and Tara. They lived next door to us in our DC apartment. They were about our ages, maybe a little closer to Torsten's age than mine. They were really friendly and the year they moved in, they left a bag of Lindt truffles on our door along with a holiday card. I would see them in the apartment gym sometimes and every now and then Matt and I would be on the same bus home from work.
   
4. Julie. We went to college together and graduated the same year, but barely knew each other. I had never even seen her until our senior year, when we had a class together. She always had interesting things to say and sometimes we whispered jokes to each other in class, or chatted afterward, with the vague idea that we'd get together sometime outside of class. We never did.
   
5. Connie. She brought her dog to the dog park that was close to our Denver apartment, the one we stopped going to when we bought our house. Her dog was sweet and adorable and he always wanted to play with Montana, but at the time Montana wasn't really into playing. She was very nice and friendly and welcoming. She asked about Montana's scars and when I told her I didn't know their origin, she said that she would just pretend that Montana had slipped when applying eyeliner.
   

What about you? Have you come across people like that in your life? Do you ever think about the ones from whom you've moved on?

Decorating without furniture

After our furniture-store-browsing experience of this weekend, both Torsten and I are feeling a bit frustrated about not being able to afford any of the stuff we want to decorate the house. I went back over the list we made at Room & Board, and if we bought everything on that list, we would spend $13,000 (before tax). Awesome. Because we TOTALLY have that kind of money lying around.

I am extra frustrated because of the stupid $10,000 we spent on my surgery. If it weren't for the surgery, we could have spent that money to buy a huge chunk of furniture. Not that we would have, because we didn't actually HAVE the $10,000 and are instead paying down the debt we took on to pay for the surgery. But we could have taken the money we're using to pay down the debt and used that to buy the furniture. Or a hot tub and some of the furniture. Or build up our savings a bit more and THEN bought some furniture. And instead we're pouring every extra cent into paying off a debt that my insurance company should have prevented me from ever taking on. And I am annoyed about that.

The furniture that we'd like to buy includes two shelving units for the living room, one shelving unit for the dining room, one shelving unit for the family room, a dining room table, eight dining room chairs, a coffee table, a dresser, and two nightstands. To buy all that, in the high-quality pieces that we want, would cost $13,000. Which means that to buy everything ELSE we'd need to fully furnish the house--an entertainment center, another coffee table, some end tables, a bed frame, dresser, and nightstand for the guest room, some shelves for our offices, and eventually, nursery furniture--will cost another many thousands of dollars.

Furniture IS really expensive, but that doesn't really bother me because it lasts forever. I mean, every piece of furniture my parents own, other than couches, has either been in their house since before I was born or has been added or replaced only once during my lifetime. When you divide the price over the number of years of use, it becomes very reasonable. And I have no problem investing more in higher-quality pieces that look nicer, feel nicer, are better built, and last longer. I would happily spend every penny of the higher price for that stuff. If only I HAD the pennies to spend.

Anyway, in the meantime I'm trying to focus on the affordable stuff I can do to the house. Namely, decorating with stuff we already have. We actually have a plethora of lovely vases, pitchers, etc., that would do very nicely displayed artistically around the house to add some color and points of interest. Except that we have no shelves or tables to display them on. The shelves they were displayed on in our apartment didn't fit right in the living room, so we put them in the basement. So all our nice things are crammed onto the mantel over the fireplace, which looks terrible and tacky. But we have nowhere else to put them until we get some freaking shelves.

And most of the art that we had hung in our apartment was on the cheap side, cute stuff that we had picked up here and there, stuff that's fine for a bedroom or an office but not for displaying front and center in a formal living room, you know? So, I can do some upstairs decorating but not really any downstairs.

But one thing I am thinking about doing is creating a wall of framed photos in the family room. I am pretty religious about printing photos and organizing them in albums, and framing the ones I love. I collect frames wherever I find them--if I see a nice frame and it's not too expensive, I'll buy it, knowing I'll fill it someday. And we just ordered a bunch of wedding prints and I bought frames for them at Target, where they are remarkably cute and inexpensive.

But here's the thing. I asked for frame wall opinions on Twitter, and everyone who responded seemed to think it was a great idea. But the thing I'm wondering about is whether our frames are too... diverse for a wall. Every frame is different. A lot of them are similar, in that they are variations on black and white with a mat, and some are silver.

But some are brighter than that, with primary colors or mother of pearl or some sort of pattern. And I love them. And I thought they looked nice displayed on a shelf all together in our apartment. But will it be shocking and overwhelming to put so many different frames all together on one wall? I have never done this before and I'm not exactly a decorating guru, so I need your opinions here.

Also, any thoughts on how I could try it out, just to see? Because I thought of just hanging them all and then, if it looked terrible, taking them down. But then there would be 30 or 40 holes in our wall, and it would be impossible to cover them all, and it would look terrible. So is there some other way for me to do a trial run to see how it would look without ruining our newly painted wall?

Slow burner

I am not one for falling in love at first sight. In fact, I don't really believe in love at first sight. I believe that people can become infatuated, or even get indications that they will or could fall in love, but I don't believe that you can actually fall in love immediately.

But I do think that I can sometimes tell that I will fall in love with something. And I can make decisions based on that.

For example, I had never been to Denver, or even to Colorado, until we moved here. But before we even arrived I was sure that I would love it. And yet, on that first day, as we drove through some pretty seedy and nondescript neighborhoods, I had a few moments of doubt. But I kept reminding myself that I would fall in love with it, that I KNEW it was right for me. And that is what happened. I do love it now. I have found the things about it that I love, and I know that there are many more things about it that I will love that I haven't found yet.

I also wasn't sure about Montana right away. I knew, based on her photo and description, that she was the right dog for us. But when I met her and the other dog we were considering, in the parking lot outside the prison, I didn't have an instant feeling of oh, that's my dog, oh, I love her. I was torn. I didn't think she was the cutest dog in the world. Cute, yes, but all the other dogs were as cute. That was part of why our decision was so hard.

Torsten was the same way, not quite sure. But we walked both dogs around the parking lot, and we could see the personality traits from both their descriptions--Montana sweeter and mellower, Tessa pulling like nuts, and we knew that Montana would be a better fit for us. So we went with her. It wasn't until I watched her in the middle of the go-home class a few hours later and started crying that I really started to love her. And now I don't just THINK she's the cutest dog in the world--I KNOW it. And also the smartest, and the quirkiest, and the funniest.

Even with Torsten, I sensed before we even met, when we were just emailing, that he was going to be something special, and that feeling was confirmed on our first date. In a sense I just knew that I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him. But I still wasn't ready to say that I was in love with him. In fact, a couple months after we started dating, I basically chased him down from the top of the Empire State Building at midnight because I could tell that he was going to tell me he loved me and I wasn't ready for that yet.

One thing I did know that I loved instantaneously was our house. I walked in the door and fell in love. But then, I'd been admiring it online for months, so maybe that doesn't count as right away.

I started thinking about all this recently when I was rereading Swistle's The Facts (for Some People) post, specifically the part about how some people love their babies right away and others take awhile. When I read that post for the first time, I automatically assumed that I would love my baby instantly, because of course I will, right? But as I think about my track record, I'm thinking maybe I won't be one of those. Maybe I'll take a little while. A few hours, or a day, or two. Or more. And while obviously I would hope to love my baby madly and immediately, if I don't, like many other mothers, I will just have to remember that I shouldn't feel guilty about it, or like a bad mother. Because the love will arrive. It always does.

What about you? Do you fall in love right away, or does it take you awhile?

Fireworks and tables and workouts

On Saturday, Torsten and I didn't have any specific fireworks-viewing plans, but when it got near dusk we decided to take Montana downtown and walk along the river, figuring maybe we'd see some fireworks in the distance. And we did, and it was lovely.

Then we stumbled across this park with a field and a hill, and a small crowd gathering on the hill to watch the fireworks from Mile High Stadium for free. So we joined them, and sat on the hill with the dog. She was fine at first, but then people in the field at the bottom of the hill started setting off amateur fireworks. As each one went off, Montana freaked out more and more.

At first it was just a little whining, then some yelping, them some frightened whimpering, then what I can only describe as moaning, followed by a strange, alarmed, high-pitched bark that I've never heard from her before. At one point, the keening got so bad that it made me think of a woman in the process of giving birth. Everyone was turning around to look and she was clearly petrified and shaking and was totally non-responsive to our attempts to calm her down. So, we gave up and left, as quickly as we could, the dog freaking out all the way.

As we walked along the river away from the fireworks, she started to calm down, and we knew she was over it when she finally pricked up her ears again. We were just starting to feel better about having scared our dog when some drunk asshole started lighting fireworks and dropping them on the sidewalk at random, then continuing on his way. Which, first of all, is dangerous, because without someone standing near it, it's very easy to overlook a firework and come very near it right before it explodes. And second of all, when you have an incredibly freaked-out dog on your hands? You don't want to be picking your way through a landmine of fireworks that are about to explode.

Anyway, so. Lesson learned. Fireworks scare the dog. She'll be staying home next year. Poor thing.

Yesterday was much better. We went back downtown to an arts festival, and although the festival itself was nothing special and also very crowded (making me wonder if we just don't have a good appreciation of festivals? Because I always think they're not great and yet they draw huge crowds), we had a lovely time wandering around, eating lunch, and looking in furniture stores.

And we found a lovely, inexpensive side table to put in our front hallway, the perfect place for keys, sunglasses, dog leashes, etc.--all the stuff that we are currently keeping on our kitchen island, which is not the best place because in theory, that island should be used for food prep. Plus, the table stands right below the mail slot, so our mail won't land on the floor anymore. And I am very thrilled about that. I am less thrilled about the cost of all the other furniture that we want and didn't buy. Again, as with every time we go to a good furniture store, we mentally spent about $10,000. Possibly more. Very frustrating.

We also hit the gym several times, and I am already seeing an improvement in my swimming stamina, which makes me very pleased. And we had a fruitless meeting with a personal trainer, which was very unfortunate, but I think I'll save the details on that one for a post over at Bodies. And I had an amazing gourmet hamburger with cheese and avocado, thereby undoing all of my good gym work. But it was delicious, so... no regrets! I'll just keep moving forward.

Just keep swimming

So, want to know how you can tell that I've officially gone crazy? I have the day off work, and yet I'm up early to go to a water aerobics class at the gym. I KNOW. I'm choosing EXERCISE over SLEEP. I don't know what's happened to me either.

Hence, I don't have a real post for you today. Instead, I'm going to send you over to Not a Diet in hopes that you'll lend some moral support as I try not to wish I'd had bypass surgery instead of lap-band.

Have a great holiday weekend!

Making credit cards work for you

OK, as promised (this seems to be turning into a whole series of financial posts), more on the whole credit card thing. This is something that I am a little hesitant to get into, because there are a lot of variables involved in picking a credit card, and it really depends on what your priorities are. The main criteria for credit cards are interest rate, annual fee, and rewards program.

For us, since we do not leave balances on our credit cards, I hardly pay attention to the interest rates, though I did obviously review all of our cards and choose the one with the lowest interest rate to charge my surgery to. If you are looking for a credit card and you are planning to leave a balance on it, then the interest rate is the most important thing, and the rewards program comes second. You can often find cards with introductory offers of 0% interest, so if you know you only need to carry a balance for a short, defined period of time, those can be very helpful.

So, basically, I won't get a card with an annual fee, because it negates the rewards, as far as I'm concerned. And there are a lot of great reward programs on cards that don't charge annual fees. The best way to find these cards is Google. Each credit card website (CitiCards, Chase, American Express, etc.) has a section where you can see the different offers, but there are also a lot of blogs and independent websites that compare the pros and cons of different cards. Most cards offer a basic 1% back on all purchases, and then a lot of them have very specific things that they offer bonus rewards for.

As a result, we have a ton of different credit cards and we have it memorized which cards we use for what. Also, sometimes the cards offer bonus rewards for a set period of time, such as six months or a year (this seems especially common with groceries), so when that period of time ends, we apply for a new card with a different reward program. Right now we are on our third, and best, grocery rewards card. The first two offered us 5% back on groceries and pharmacies, one for six months and one for a year (this was one and this was the other). The current one offers us 6% back on those things, plus 6% back on gas, plus a penny per mile you drive (you send in your car's service records), for a year. After that, we will look for a new card. The card is the Citi Driver's Edge.

We also have a card that gives us 3% back on restaurant purchases, the Citi Professional, but it seems to have changed since then, and now is only allowed for business use, and only gives 3% back for the first year? In any case, this is all I could find.

And we have a credit card that gives us 3% back on all purchases made directly from Amazon.com. And there's an American Express card that gives you 2% back on purchases from Costco. And the list goes on. My point is, you should be making the most out of your credit cards. It just doesn't make sense to have a credit card that doesn't give you any benefit, whether it's a really low interest rate, a great rewards program, or both. As long as you use your credit cards wisely and don't overspend or get into unnecessary debt, rewards programs are a great way to earn a little bit of your money back.

Another thing you want to pay attention to is what you can do with the rewards. We had another Amazon card that sent us gift cards to Amazon. The current one has more flexibility... we can get gift cards to a number of places, Amazon included, or we can get cash, or we can buy plane tickets. Our gas and groceries card rewards can be put toward the cost of car maintenance or repair or the purchase of a new (or used) car, or they can be transferred to the ThankYou network, which allows you to use points to purchase any number of things, from various giftie items to gift cards to plane tickets. The ThankYou network, though I've heard rumors that the points may become less valuable soon, is great for travel because it's hooked up to Expedia--you just search Expedia through ThankYou and it shows you the prices in points instead of dollars.

Update: A nice anonymous commenter (don't you like it when the anons are nice?) mentions something that should definitely be pointed out: applying for credit cards temporarily lowers your credit score. It can be good for you in the long term because it increases the amount of available credit you have (and are presumably not using all of), but when you have inquiries on your credit history, your credit score temporarily goes down. So if you have a reason why you need your credit score to be good in the near future (i.e., you're about to apply for a loan), then you shouldn't apply for any new credit cards.

Again, the main thing is to do your research. Make sure you're not committing to a high annual fee, make sure you're not going to wind up paying more in interest and finance charges than you get back through rewards, make sure you are the type of person who can handle and keep track of credit cards... and assuming all these things are true, do your research and find the cards that will do the most for you.

How to save money on taxes

I was working on a totally different post for today, but it's going to have to wait, because after reading some of the comments on my post yesterday, there's something that I want to advocate and what better platform for advocacy than a blog, right?

Anyway, here it is, plain and simple: Inform yourselves about your finances.

This is advice that I'm only just starting to take on my own. As I said yesterday, my financial situation has changed quite a bit over the past year. I've gone from being a single, fairly low-earning renter in a very standard position working in an office to... well, the opposite of that. I'm married. There are two incomes. There are different states to deal with. I own a house and a car. I'm paying off a very expensive surgery. I work from home. As a homeowner, I am investing in things that I never even thought about before, such as windows and washing machines.

And as I do all this, I have been lucky enough to encounter people who have offered me incredibly helpful advice. I learned a lot about finances through the mortgage application process, and now I'm in the process of learning a lot about taxes.

For me, before, taxes were a murky thing. I filled out the form, double-checked my work to make sure I had done the math right, and didn't really know what it was that I was paying for. Which was fine, because things were simple: I had a taxable income, and so I paid tax on it. All of it, other than what was deducted for health insurance costs. Now there are so many more variables.

I had no idea about the tax deduction for health costs, but the woman who manages the billing for my surgeon's office told me about it.

I had no idea about the tax credit for energy-efficient windows, but my parents just replaced a couple windows in their own house and they told me about it.

I had read something about a tax credit for first-time homebuyers, but I didn't think about it until we bought a home ourselves, and then I looked up more information.

I had no idea about the water refund for a high-efficiency washer until our realtor told us about it.

I knew, I believe, that mortgage insurance could be deducted from your taxes, but I hadn't thought about that either until my parents reminded me.

I had no idea that the costs of working from home were tax-deductible until my boss told me.

What I'm saying is, I am lucky to be surrounded by people who are more informed than I am (they are the kind of people I consider to be real adults, as opposed to the pseudo-adult that I am). But even if you don't have these kinds of resources, you can inform yourselves, thanks to this little thing called the Internet.

There are so many things that we pay for that our government encourages us to do by making them tax-deductible. That's quite a bit of money you could save. For those of you who don't pay much attention to taxes, here's a breakdown of the difference between a tax credit and a tax deduction (and my apologies if I'm just repeating information that everyone already knows).

A tax credit (such as what we'll get for buying our house and replacing our windows) is basically a cash handout from the government. For buying our first home in 2009, we get $8,000 credited toward our taxes. However, since we pay our taxes in full over the course of the year, this means that we will basically get $8,000 added toward our tax refund. So if we would normally have gotten a $200 tax refund, instead the check from the IRS will be for $8,200.

A tax deduction, on the other hand, means that money that you've spent can be subtracted from your overall taxable income, lowering the amount of tax you have to pay, the same way that health insurance and transportation costs are deducted. So say you earn $50,000 per year, and spend $2,400 per year on health insurance. This means that your taxable annual income is now only $47,600. Assuming that you give up about a quarter of your income to taxes, those deductions save you about $600.

Now, insurance is a basic deduction that most people don't really have to worry about, because your employer will calculate that for you on your W-2 so the taxable income listed there will already have taken the cost of health insurance into account. But there are so many other deductions you can take. You can deduct charitable donations, student loan interest, mortgage interest, health care costs in excess of 7.5% of your income, and the list goes on.

Update: Kristie points out, quite accurately, that commuting costs are not tax-deductible. However, employers have the option of providing a benefit to their employees wherein you can purchase transit fare directly from your paycheck, pre-tax, up to $230 per month. This is apparently especially common in big cities with good public transportation systems, and is absolutely worth checking with your employer about. If they don't offer it, and enough people ask, maybe they will start!

So let's take the health care costs as another example. You can only deduct anything you spend in excess of 7.5% of your annual adjusted income (adjusted includes any exemptions and deductions you can claim--and everyone who is not a dependent can claim at least one exemption as well as the standard deduction, if you end up not itemizing--as well as other pre-tax costs like health insurance).

Let's assume that your adjusted gross income is $50,000. If you spend more than $3,750 on health-related costs in a year, you can deduct anything beyond that amount from your taxes. So say you have a bad year and you have a surgery that costs you $5,000 out of pocket. You can deduct $1,250 from your taxable income, meaning it would now be only $48,750, saving you a little over $300.

And that's not even taking into account any other health costs you spend over the year. You've already spent that 7.5% of your income on your surgery, so any other health costs can also be deducted. So if you spend another $500 on prescriptions, office visit co-pays, etc., during the year, now you can deduct a total of $1,750 from your taxable income, meaning it would now be $48,250, saving you almost $450.

Plus, the beauty of all these deductions is that because you are paying taxes on your full salary, pre-deduction, calculating deductions in your taxes when you file means that you are likely to get a lovely refund check--and we can all use those.

There are so many websites that can help you with this, some run by the government, some not. If you Google anything about tax deductions you will find a million websites listing the different types of deductions you can take and what you have to do to qualify. Here's one that I found randomly. There are many others.

The government's Energy Star website also tells you what tax deductions you can take for energy-efficient upgrades in your home or office. I found it just by googling "tax credit windows," but it has lots of other information as well.

The IRS website also has lots of information about deductions, including a piece on whether or not you should itemize, as well as a list of the types of deductions you can take.

One other thing I want to add, one other thing that would probably be very interesting to a lot of you, and something that I didn't know, something that missris said in a comment yesterday:

"First of all, the interest you pay off on student loans is tax deductible. So is about 80% of the cost of joining an alumni association. Second of all, if you have federal loans and are planning on working for a nonprofit (501c3, and this includes universities-like even if you're a professor or something) you should restructure your loans to reduce your payment and pay the absolute minimum amount so that you do not have everything paid off in ten years. This is key because after working ten years for a nonprofit, the remainder of your federal loans is FORGIVEN. Also badass? Those ten years don't even have to be consecutive."

So yes. There is much to be learned about student loans as well. And I'm sure Google could help you find out more information about that, too. And I also want to get into the credit card thing, as some of you requested, but this post is already long and complex, so I think I'll save that til tomorrow. I think all the tax talk is enough for today.