All by myself

Torsten is in DC at the moment, for work, and even though he's only gone for a few days this time, I seem to have lost all the enjoyment I had for living alone before I met him. Because I did live alone, for over a year, and I liked it a lot.

But it's not the living with someone that I like. It's living with Torsten specifically. It's feeling his presence in the house even as we're working in separate offices, and hearing his voice as he talks on the phone with colleagues and clients. It's going in to see how his day is going, and touching him, and kissing him. It's eating lunch with him and listening to him talk to Montana in a special doggy voice. It's going to the gym with him and then sitting in the hot tub next to the pool when we're done working out. It's cooking dinner and eating it together. It's sitting on the patio in the evenings, talking or reading the paper and telling each other about the interesting stories. It's going to bed together and cuddling until we fall asleep. And then waking up the next morning and doing it all over again. It's him.

The thing that I liked about living alone was that I could be me, I could be totally relaxed. I didn't have to worry about how I came across or regulate my behavior. Also, I recharge by being away from other people. So when we moved in together, I thought I might miss those things.

But what's amazing, and a big reason why I knew that our relationship was so right from the start, is that I feel exactly the same way with him. I don't need my space with him. I am literally just as relaxed when he is here as I am when I'm on my own. I act just the same way. I can recharge just as much. I am utterly, absolutely comfortable with him.

He is the only person I could ever imagine feeling that way about. He is the only person I think I could ever have moved in with without having an adjustment period, without needing my own space, without feeling crowded sometimes.

So yeah, when he's gone I can watch Friends and girly movies he doesn't want to see ad nauseum. But that's literally the only positive about the whole situation. I miss him. I don't sleep as well. I wake up at night and feel alone (not to mention the fact that I overanalyze every sound and convince myself that there are burglars in the house. Despite the fact that the dog is totally unperturbed). The house feels cavernous and silent.

And the weather isn't helping. It's gotten very cold (for July) over the last few days, and we've seen a lot of gray skies and rain. It's still sunny during the day for at least a little while, but for the most part it's gloomy and silent. Which makes me feel more alone.

I love him. I miss him. I feel his absence and I don't like the way it feels. I want him to come down. Two days left is two days too long.