Thursday, July 30, 2009

All by myself

Torsten is in DC at the moment, for work, and even though he's only gone for a few days this time, I seem to have lost all the enjoyment I had for living alone before I met him. Because I did live alone, for over a year, and I liked it a lot.

But it's not the living with someone that I like. It's living with Torsten specifically. It's feeling his presence in the house even as we're working in separate offices, and hearing his voice as he talks on the phone with colleagues and clients. It's going in to see how his day is going, and touching him, and kissing him. It's eating lunch with him and listening to him talk to Montana in a special doggy voice. It's going to the gym with him and then sitting in the hot tub next to the pool when we're done working out. It's cooking dinner and eating it together. It's sitting on the patio in the evenings, talking or reading the paper and telling each other about the interesting stories. It's going to bed together and cuddling until we fall asleep. And then waking up the next morning and doing it all over again. It's him.

The thing that I liked about living alone was that I could be me, I could be totally relaxed. I didn't have to worry about how I came across or regulate my behavior. Also, I recharge by being away from other people. So when we moved in together, I thought I might miss those things.

But what's amazing, and a big reason why I knew that our relationship was so right from the start, is that I feel exactly the same way with him. I don't need my space with him. I am literally just as relaxed when he is here as I am when I'm on my own. I act just the same way. I can recharge just as much. I am utterly, absolutely comfortable with him.

He is the only person I could ever imagine feeling that way about. He is the only person I think I could ever have moved in with without having an adjustment period, without needing my own space, without feeling crowded sometimes.

So yeah, when he's gone I can watch Friends and girly movies he doesn't want to see ad nauseum. But that's literally the only positive about the whole situation. I miss him. I don't sleep as well. I wake up at night and feel alone (not to mention the fact that I overanalyze every sound and convince myself that there are burglars in the house. Despite the fact that the dog is totally unperturbed). The house feels cavernous and silent.

And the weather isn't helping. It's gotten very cold (for July) over the last few days, and we've seen a lot of gray skies and rain. It's still sunny during the day for at least a little while, but for the most part it's gloomy and silent. Which makes me feel more alone.

I love him. I miss him. I feel his absence and I don't like the way it feels. I want him to come down. Two days left is two days too long.

24 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. I haven't lived by myself, but I have lived with my family and then a roommate, and I can honestly say that nothing felt like "home" until I moved in with my boyfriend. He's actually going on a business trip next week for three days, and while part of me is looking forward to watching TV into the wee hours (which he doesn't like to do) and catching up with girlfriends, I really feel so noticeably happier when I know I get to see him every day.

    I hope you enjoy your time though, and that absence makes your hearts grow even fonder than they already are.

    ReplyDelete
  2. How sweet! Ah love!

    That is how I feel for my hubby too.

    I know you are counting the days till her returns!
    He'll be there before u know it...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel exactly the way you do about hubby, even after all these years with the exception that I relish my alone time. I still miss him and want him to hurry home but I enjoy not having to worry about anything or anyone but me...

    ReplyDelete
  4. What Kat said.

    I totally analyze every sound in our house at night when H is gone. I am such a wimp!

    ReplyDelete
  5. While he's here, would you please ask him if he could bring some of this heat back to CO with him? It's been awful this week!

    ReplyDelete
  6. That's a wonderful way to feel about someone- to be completely yourself with him. I want that too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm the same way! Before I lived with Dave I didn't mind being home alone at all. I relished it. Now, I still like being home alone, but not at night. :( That's when it's lonely!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh how I hear ya on this post. Why do you think I bailed out of some of the BlogHer stuff? All I wanted was some time with Sweets. I'm sure a lot of people shook their heads at me, but I don't care. Those few hours each night. On the couch. Watching mindless TV. With him. Were so worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I feel the exact same way when Joe's gone on business trips. I'm dreading his trip next month. I overanalyze sounds too. :) I never sleep well when he's not here.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My boyfriend and I own a house together but since we both travel for work we only see each other Friday - Sunday and that's all we've ever seen each other. It's been four years and it's starting to get draining. I would love to be able to go home on a Wednesday and have dinner together. I guess that it makes me appreciate the time we do have together, but I wish there was more of it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aww, this is so sweet. I know how you feel.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I feel all of that with Kev when I'm with him, except I actually *like* when he goes out of town. I need that space to myself every once in awhile...I think it's the key to our relationship!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Very sweet :) I feel the same way when T leaves. It's terrible.

    ReplyDelete
  14. i feel the same way about.. um... my.. cats? sure. we'll go with that. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is so sweet! I always overanalyze night sounds so I can totally relate. At least you have Montana there to protect you!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This makes me miss being in a relationship. Although it's not the greatest feeling at the moment, that's how you know you really love him. :) I miss that feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  17. awwww i HATE missing someone its the worst and yes the weather hasnt helped. We still need to get together for coffee!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Aww. Great post That is how you know it's true love!

    ReplyDelete
  19. LOL ... conrad leaves a few times a year and I go into a funk too. At first I am full of ideas about GIRL TIME and CHICK FLICKS and painting the laundry room - and after about 1.5 days, I end up sad and lonely and not sleeping very well. I feel your pain!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I hate being apart. I hate it so much that it's happened... twice? I think, in the entire time we've been married. And it took me a while to jump on the Blathering bandwagon because of it. Which is why I am obviously not going to be any fun whatsoever.

    ReplyDelete
  21. What a lovely post.

    Whenever Bart is gone, I think it'll be so fun to watch whatever movies I want or go shopping or whatever, and then after about an hour, I'm like "come home! I'm so bored without you!"

    ReplyDelete
  22. I just love this. I lived by myself for 4 years and loved it. Then I decided I needed a change so I moved into a house with roommates and I HATED it. But I absolutely LOVE living with Andy. We're both very independent and love our alone time, but our apartment is so small that it makes that hard, but it's still totally ok. I love it when he's reading in bed and I'm in the other room working on projects or fiddling around on the computer. There is such a comfort in the fact that we don't have to talk to each other every second of the day, but he's still right there.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Sorry for my bad english. I would like to get updated with you new posts as I love to read your blog. Add me to your mailing list if you have any.

    ReplyDelete