Thursday, July 17, 2008

How to be a grownup

When I was in college, I felt like I spent half my life planning for the future. I spent forever filling out applications--for internships, summer jobs, study abroad programs. I had to plan out my coursework semesters in advance to make sure I'd fulfill all the requirements for graduation. As I got involved with various student orgs, I also had to plan for them. And my senior year, of course, I spent quite a bit of time arranging my post-grad plans.

I remember being frustrated at the time, and talking with my friends about how much we looked forward to living in the present and not having to worry so much about the future. Which is funny, because I'm still not totally sure what we were thinking--I think I will ALWAYS worry about, or at least attempt to plan for, the future.

Not that I'm not enjoying the present--I absolutely am. But these are the Big Three things that I am thinking about on a long term scale:

1. Babies. I want them. This won't be a surprise to anyone here, particularly those who have read my past posts about adoption. Sometimes when I talk about kids with my single friends, they're surprised that I've thought so far ahead. But I think getting married is a time that requires thinking ahead. When you get married, you're committing for life--and that means thinking about, and discussing, your goals and aspirations and plans for the future. It seems unwise to get married without discussing those things, figuring out where you mesh, and talking through any discrepancies.

So, we have a baby timeline. It's not strict, but it's there. We have a loose idea of when we want to start trying to get pregnant. And I want to NAME THE BABY even though it won't exist for at least a couple more years (assuming no accidents, of course, and THERE CAN ALWAYS BE AN ACCIDENT, and um? If there is an accident and I am hyperventilating, perhaps everyone can remind me how cute baby clothes are? I think that would be calming in such a situation). I read somewhere, possibly on Swistle Baby Names, a suggestion that each of you independently make a list of names you like for a baby, and then compare and find common names, or at least common themes.

AND I WANT TO DO THAT NOW. I am constantly suggesting names to Torsten, and he is tolerant enough to humor me and tell me whether or not he likes the name (usually not), but I'm pretty sure that he would balk at the idea of such a formal process to name a baby that is nowhere near even being conceived (I HOPE). Also, I'm pretty sure he would be annoyed if I came home with a baby name book, too. Damn.

2. Buying a house. It is definitely a market for buyers right now, and I know that first-time home buyers are the key to ending the housing crisis, because we don't have to worry about selling our current house before we can buy a new one. But we do have to worry about where to buy. In the city or in the suburbs? If in the city, some expensive, settled neighborhood or somewhere a bit more up and coming? How much can we spend? How much are mortgage rates going to go up and how will that affect our buying power? Should we be trying to buy a foreclosure to get a good deal? If so, where do you even find foreclosed houses for sale? How big of a house are we talking? The questions go on and on and on, and right now there are very few answers.

3. Finances. I don't know anything about equity and financial planning and whatnot other than the basics, like yeah it's good to contribute to your 401(k) and have enough set aside to support yourselves for a few months. We were discussing this recently, and Torsten started talking about buying bonds and stock and I started envisioning high-risk investments and our whole down payment just GONE. And then realized that I don't have a clue how to invest or what equity really is and how to maximize your credit rating or anything, really.

I'm pretty sure that what this all boils down to is that I really don't know how to be an Adult. I mean, yeah, I can hold down a steady job, and I can maintain a mature adult relationship, and I can pay bills and cook and generally manage a household, but when it comes to planning, adult style? As in, figuring things out on my own instead of just filling out applications and then letting other people make decisions for me? That part I'm still kind of stuck on.

So, what are you trying to plan for right now?

39 comments:

  1. I am glad I'm not alone. I've got a bad case of baby rabies now too and play the name game with mike all the time too. Also the house bug? got that too. I'm so impatient and want it all. right now.

    I suppose I will go back to making lists for all of it until its time comes.

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  2. My husband and I are still years away from children but we already have 2 boy names and 2 girl names picked out. Middle names included. It makes me very happy. :)

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  3. We just bought a new house in May, and I'm ashamed to say that I just let my boyfriend take the lead and tell me where to sign - so, I don't feel like I know how to be an Adult either =). He did explain things to me, but I trusted that he was making the right decision for us [he owned the townhouse we lived in , so had been through this process before]. I'll let you know one thing that I learned...make sure you check into property taxes! One house we loved [which is less than 10 miles from the house we bought] had property taxes that were close to $10,000 a year - compared to the $3,000 or so we pay now! Balls to that!

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  4. Well, I supposedly AM an adult. Late thirties, married, four kids, all of them named, adult. Still don't actually FEEL like one.

    What I am planning for is how I will spend my old age ALONE time. Movies, bookstores, etc. There are days I look forward to it a lot more than others. ;)

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  5. We have the same top three. My husband's job is in finance, thank god. We hope to begin looking at buying a house early next year. Then would like to start making babies 2 years after the house.

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  6. I still don't know how to be an adult, and I'll be 32 next week.

    When we were engaged, we settled on a girl's name. This way YEARS before we had children, before we ever thought we WANTED to have children. But I LOVE! TALKING! BABY! NAMES! and my husband indulges me. Until he starts coming up with names like "plaid" and "spoon."

    As for the house, you have to have 10% downpayment or the mortgage companies won't touch you, EVEN IF YOU ARE A FIRST TIME HOMEBUYER.

    And you can always contact a financial advisor to help you muddle through stocks, bonds, 401K, and mortgage stuff. Your local bank will have someone to talk to you.

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  7. Ha! I am pretty much in the exact same boat as you. Except I am still having a hard time picking baby over wine. Getting there though...

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  8. I'm very much a "future thinker" as well. My husband and I are building our dream home in the next year or two and I think that is our big future plan for right now. That alone takes up a lot of time and energy so I think I'll not think about anymore adult things for awhile. LOL

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  9. You are quite the planner. Because me? I'm lucky if I know my plans for vacation next week and our wedding in three months. :-)

    On the housing front, ask yourself this question: In 4-5 years, what type of living arrangement will you require? Because in many markets these days, you have to live in a home no less than 3 years to break even on your investment. Assuming you two want to make a little money means you'll need to stay in the same place at least 4-5 years. Sometimes that helps rule out certain geographic areas or types of housing.

    Good luck - and keep us updated!

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  10. Hey I give you kudos since you're already thinking about these things. Many don't start to do so until the time to make the decisions is practically upon them.

    I guess my plans for the future include a house/condo, significant other (who is welcome to show up any day now!), a wedding and children.

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  11. I think most adults learn as they go, so you're doing fine! ;)

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  12. I'm pretty sure that at least 50% of existing "adults" don't actually know how to be proper adults. I mean, come on.

    And as for me? I'm very far away from being one myself. I'm just trying to make it through the next couple of months on one salary's payments of two people's bills.

    And we have 1 girl and 1 boy name picked out :)

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  13. You know, I am in the opposite situation. I feel like right now I am planning nothing. I feel like I live weekend to weekend and trip to trip, and I am loving it! It is kind of surprising cause usually I am a planner, or should I say, a schemer, more accurately. :)

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  14. Right now, I am wanting to rescue a dog. But the BF won't let me, we have one dog and one cat. But I so want to rescue a dog.

    I am also starting to get the baby feeling that you are having but it is not going to happen for at least 18 months or longer. I have a sneaking suspision that getting pregnant will be difficult for me due to my medical issues and I am getting older.

    For your house plan, I suggest that you have a few areas for consideration, look at the the area, the schools, the transportation, how close is it to work etc. Once you narrow areas down you can start to look at market prices.

    A article in CNN.com mentioned that you will need at least 5% down more likely given the market. Also get a pre-qualfying letter, that will help get you in the door with some sellers. You can look at special first time buyers incentives (here in Chicago there is a city one where you can qualify for a loan at 4%)

    Foreclosures or even new developments (Dealer specials) can be options at a lower cost.

    Find a good mortgage company, talk to your friends and your agent they will be able to suggest a few and feel free to interview them to make sure that you are comfortable wtih them and they keep you informed with the progress.

    It was very stressful for us and there was a lot of trepidation with the market. However, with interest rates low, you can get a decent mortgage at a lower rate than last year and you can always refinance.

    But we love our new place, it fits us and we are very pleased not to be renting anymore! Oh and I love my washer and dryer....no more lugging 4 loads to the weird laundrymat!

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  15. Planning what to have for lunch. I should have a bowl of Special K Red Berries. I want Taco Bell.

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  16. Oh, fun! We are planning on selling the house next summer and MOVING to another town/possibly state and buying another house. CRAZY. Fun!

    I am also in super retirement planning mode. No lie - I had a dream about reallocating my 401(k) contribution two nights ago. I am so boring!

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  17. Honestly, it sounds like you're on the right track toward Adulthood. Knowing that these things are important (babies, houses, financial security) is half the battle.

    At least that's what I tell myself, as going back to school is a step that will delay all THREE for us.

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  18. Um, planning for the future? Never ends. Never. We're past the baby stage (thank goodness), we have a house, and cars that run.

    Now we're planning for retirement in 20 or so years. And grandbabies, and college for the Minions, and whether or not we're going to move to another part of the state, and cleaning out the garage and attic and all those little places that are holding on to my childhood, and...

    and it never ends. It's good to plan for the future, and it's very good to live in (and enjoy) the present. Sounds like you're right on track.

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  19. Um, since we chat all day, every day, I'm pretty sure you know what I'm planning. Which is, you know, EVERYTHING. Too. Much. Planning. But I love babies. In case I haven't said that yet today.

    (Dude, where are you today?)

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  20. Ummm I am so not even answering that question right now. *sigh*

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  21. Like Fiona above, I don't still don't feel like an adult, even with three kids, a mortgage and a healthy retirement fund. I don't do a lot of planning, at least not a lot of long-term planning. There's too much that needs attention in the present to spend a lot of time on the future.

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  22. I began reading all of these comments and started to hyperventilate. I work in the arts and live in San Francisco which means that buying is out. I'm not even dating so planning a wedding or rather a marriage (which is what it sounds like you two have very wisely and responsibly done) isn't an option and I'm still terrified and having very strong negative reactions to children, so definitely no babies any time soon. Planning? What planning? I'm planning to take the train tomorrow. I'm planning to put do about 8 hours of work this weekend. I'm planning to go out drinking and dancing on Saturday night. I'm planning to get to Martin+Osa for their summer sale. But life plans? They're just really not an option.

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  23. I agree with Nilsa. DO NOT BUY unless you are sure you can stay there for 5 years. The market is awful, and with the still declining housing market, you'll lose tons if you buy for shorter than that. People think buying is financially smart. What they don't take into account:
    - Closing costs (6k-8k usually) is money thrown away
    - Property taxes is money thrown away
    - For the first 5 or so years, almost every dime of mortgage you pay is interest, so you're throwing that money away to the bank

    As for babies, take your time. I just read an article about how having kids is horrible on a marriage, and it lowers your happiness (I posted some of it on my blog). Make sure you two have some time together to just be young and free before having babies. I guarantee you won't regret it.

    As for me...I spend a lot of time thinking about where we will end up. Portland isn't the end for us, as it's too cloudy for my husband. The east coast is out because of the hectic lifestyle, and the south is too...um...south! Maybe the southwest? But I've never even been there.

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  24. We're trying to plan on refinancing now that the rates are lower, but are running into a mortgage guy who won't call me back.

    Also, we are planning on saving every dime we can because Jason is a magnet for bad luck financially (car broke down, $1,000 mouth guard for TMJ, etc., etc.).

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  25. Damn, girl. I read this hoping you'd have some POINTERS not QUESTIONS. Thanks for nuthin'. ;)

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  26. TWO babies. Sell the house vs. go to grad school. Sigh. Most days I think "screw it" and go find some ice cream.

    Speaking of names, got any girl names I can poach? I've got nothing.

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  27. Good Lord, all I'm planning for is how to save up enough money to get another tattoo.

    I hear you on the house thing though. I was terrified to do it - but I had a lovely realtor, and I choose my bank based on which one was nicest to me. Stupid and girly- but I've yet to regret it.

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  28. I'm pretty much where you were in college- planning a potential move, picking programs and every other thing. I guess I should be happy that I'm not alone- but I can't help but thinking.. damn, this really isn't going to end?

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  29. Good question. Definitely no babies. I think something is wrong with me on that front. I'm 29 and I still don't want kids. I love kids. I just don't want that responsibility yet.

    Probably trying to figure out what my next career move should be. And whether or not I want to move to another city.

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  30. The wedding is numero uno and then actually selling our houses. We want out of these properties. But it boils down to the same thing - plans for the future and deciding where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, etc.

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  31. I wish I were a better plan! I plan my outfit for the day while in the shower and then change my mind at least four times before I actually decide :)

    I'd like to be planning my wedding...hopefully that might happen soon, but who knows. The boy is looking to buy something soonish, so those plans are also in the works. Exciting and scary, all at once!

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  32. I am a Swistle Baby Names addict, and we have talked names many times. We're fortunately roughly on the same page, although we have a few areas of disagreement. Oh, and I was totally going to call my future son Max about five trillion years ago. Grr!

    We're skipping out on the house thing for now- neither of us have done enough travel, so we''re saving for a world trip (the world's quite far away from NZ...). Then we'll come back, buy house, work for a year (maternity benefits...) and make babies :-)

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  33. Man... I feel like doing a PhD has put so much of these adult things on hold.

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  34. I am planning out how I am going to afford an apartment while I am still on an intern salary...and in that light I am also trying to find a job. I am trying to put off thinking about 'real' adult issues (marriage, baby, house)and have fun where I am.

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  35. IT's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like I'm not 'adult enough' to have bought a house and all that nonsense.

    And for foreclosures:
    http://realestate.aol.com/

    You can click the 'foreclosures' option and see what's available. Not sure how thorough it is, but it's interesting to look through.

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  36. I think I felt my blood pressure going up just reading that.

    I am not a planner. I've always been a "live in the present" sort of girl. But I admire your forward-thinking. I SHOULD worry about (or at least think about) the future more than I do.

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  37. The husband always says there are three things people should talk about and be compatible with before getting married: do you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle or roll the tube at the bottom? would you rather be hot or cold? are you a morning person or a night person?

    Joking aside, sometimes you just have to take life events as they come. We were close with married for 5-years before having children plan but it's taken us almost 12-years to buy our first house.

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  38. I'm so glad you guys are talking about all these things - regardless of whether or not you come to any 'real' conclusions. We know too many people who have gotten married recently without any type of thoughts or plan for the future.

    Coincidentally, I was just thinking about baby names A LOT this afternoon - not for any particular reason, mind you.

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  39. I'm almost 31 and I often have to remind myself that I am indeed a grownup with kids and a mortgage. I don't know that it ever gets easier.

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