Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Questions I'm asking myself

1. What should we do for New Year's?
Last year we had friends over along with their new baby. We made a big dinner and sat around eating and chatting for hours, then toasted with champagne at midnight. It was lovely and relaxing and one of my favorite ways I've ever celebrated New Year's. (Further evidence of my domestic nature, I suppose.)

This year, we're living in Denver and those friends are living in Illinois. We do have friends here in Denver but they aren't of the same close nature and I imagine that they have closer friends that they'd rather spend the holiday with, you know? Assuming they're not out at some party or whatever.

So, really I guess I'm answering my own question. We'll probably spend New Year's in, just us and the dog. And that will have to be OK.

2. Will this weight-loss thing ever get easier?
I know surgery isn't the easy way out, and I'm OK with that. It has made the weight loss possible and sustainable, and I'm happy about that. It's working, so I have no regrets. But I guess I thought that it some point it would get easier. Not that the weight would melt off effortlessly, but that it would stop requiring quite so much work and thought, all the time. I suspect that this is because I'm close to being at restriction but not quite there (and my fantastic fourth fill relaxed over the course of the month, making it less effective, which is normal but still frustrating) and that after my next fill, or maybe the one after that, this WILL get easier. At least, that's what I'm hoping. In the meantime, I'm trying to just be glad that it's working at all, even if it's still quite difficult.

3. What are good reasons to wait to have a baby?
I have what I consider to be a very good reason to put off pregnancy: my surgery and my health. I think getting as healthy as possible pre-pregnancy, and having taken steps (such as surgery) that show you that those goals are possible and that you're not just delaying pregnancy forever to pursue a pipe dream, is a great reason to wait, especially when there's an end date on that waiting. But from there, things get fuzzier. For example, Torsten and I were talking and he was saying how much he wants a baby too, and how he would feel ready to have one right now if it weren't for work. He has some work stuff he wants to accomplish before he'll feel totally ready. He wants to be slightly more financially stable, too.

It's a worthy goal, and an understandable one, but for me it falls into the category of "if you think like that you'll never think you're ready so we might as well just do it now." Luckily it's not a sticking point because we're waiting thanks to my surgery anyway, and he agrees that if he isn't where he wants to be career-wise when the end point arrives, he can deal with it and having a baby will be the top priority anyway. So I'm glad we're on the same page with that. But with people for whom things aren't quite so clear-cut, I wonder what things are important enough to hold you back from making the leap. Especially if it's a leap you're dying to make.

4. How long does it take to reach the "acceptance" stage?
I know that Torsten's parents struggle with the fact that he lives so far away, and I can totally understand that. I really can. I know it is difficult to have a child living on a different continent, especially when your child isn't always so good at calling regularly. But how long does it take until you become resigned/used to the situation, and make the best of it, and stop complaining about it, both overtly and passively? At some point can we expect the comments to stop? Or are we just fooling ourselves in hoping that some day our choices will be received more positively, and that they will really look at us as a unit that makes decisions together?

5. What in the hell is wrong with my computer?
It has only just started doing this thing where the touchpad seems to "click" on its own so I am suddenly not in the window I was in, or the cursor moves while I type so that half the text ends up randomly inserted in a previous paragraph. It is driving me NUTS.


  1. 1) What do you want to do for New Year's? If there are friends you'd like to spend time with, why not drop hints or flat out ask? Maybe you'll wind up doing something way more interesting than you ever expected!

    3) Good reasons to wait for having a baby include financial stability and health. But, I think they also include enjoying time alone as a couple, something you won't have for at least 18 more years.

    4) Unfortunately, some people will always live in their self-centered world. Unable or unwilling to see how hurtful their comments can be to others. My guess is the comments won't stop until you or Torsten say something to them. So, I guess it's on you to figure out how long you can deal with them before taking action.

  2. #4 -- I hope they'll get there someday. But I have to tell you -- we live just a six hour drive from our parents and it's been 15 years and they STILL MAKE COMMENTS. It's very hard to build any kind of relationship with your inlaws when you live so far away. They may always think of you as "that woman who kept our son from calling/coming home/loving us more." Eventually, you're the one who will have to accept that things are this way, and move on.

  3. 1. We're flying to India and will get there at 1 in the moring on December 31st. We might just spend our New Year's jetlagged! also amazing that we'll fly from La on the 29th and egt there on the 31st, completely skipping the 30th which is our 4th wedding anniversary!
    2. couldn't answer that, I had the Roux-en-Y and am loving it. am at the place where if I don't watch what i ame ating, it goes up a lb or 2 and then when I really watch it and excercise, it goes down, so eh, though I'd like to lose about 10 more, I am at that happy "I'd like to lose 10," not I'm a very unhealthy extra 100.
    3. We're waiting because we're supporting my sister right now, our house is NOT big enough and I don't feel like having a baby. Those are our reasons.
    4. I thought my in-laws would be upset that I moved their son across the country but they've been very nice and now their daughter moved to SC so they have more reasons to visit. I think it's the personality and you should just let it roll over you. don't expect them to change, that way if they do, pleasant surprise; but if they don't, oh well.

  4. 1) new years makes me sleepy. unfortunately, it's husband's bday, so i have to stay awake these days - otherwise, i would continue treating it like any other day.

    3)we have a hard end date - start trying about a year and half before i turn 30, in hopes that we have a baby by the time i am 30 (for health reasons) (also bc that's when i'm supposed to get my IUD removed). if we feel ready before then, hooray! otherwise, 28 it is.

    5) my computer does that sporadically. it makes me stabby. in fact, it makes me stabby just thinking about it. grrr.

  5. new years! ack! i have to start thinking about that already!?

    my bf is going to be in singapore with his buddy. so if we're still dating in 2 months, i will be sans someone to kiss on new years, AS I ALWAYS AM, even though i am almost always dating someone on dec 31st. just not someone in the same state as me that night. ARGH.

  6. 1) I'm not big on New Years and I don't get the whole hoopla surrounding it so staying in sounds perfectly lovely to me.

    4) Some people are just like this and may never stop complaining. Complaining obviously makes them feel more in control of the situation.

  7. Maybe you could make a plan for New Year's and then see if people are interested in joining you? It could be something as simple as "We're going to have some appetizers and drinks, why don't you stop by?" I've had friends do that in the past and it worked really well. My quick "stop by" ended up being almost the whole evening because we were having such a good, relaxed time.

  8. 1 - Maybe you'll get invited to a party or to someone's house; it's still 2 months away. Even if you don't, staying in is relaxing and easy (two things high on my list).

    2 - No idea, but you seem to be doing great!

    3 - There are ALWAYS good reasons to wait. Just as there are always reasons to go ahead and take the plunge. Either way, it tends to work out OK.

    4 - Not sure if acceptance ever happens, but overt comments/actions usually stop after a while, only to be replaced with the much more frustrating and maddening passive comments and actions.

    5 - Can't help you there. :)

  9. We usually are pretty lowkey for New Year's. I'm not a party girl. I pretty much let my husband decide when we would have kids. I told him I was ready whenever he was and then one day, so was he. I didn't think it should be an issue and it wasn't.

    And I get the guilt from my parents all the time. "We wish we saw you more." That is a favorite line -- THEN call me, visit, stop by...all solutions to see me more if you really want to.

  10. #4 - the hubs needs to agree to make a better effort communicating with family overseas. That should take care of comments passive/aggressivness to a good degree. A little more effort will probably go a long way in this situation and with time, the comments would hopefully fade away.

    - Mon

  11. 1. I always feel so much pressure to do something fun on New Year's when in reality all I want to do is be home. I'm happy to be home with friends over, but have no desire to be out and about. Also, two year olds don't understand the concept of sleeping in after a late night!

    4. Good luck with that. We live 45 minutes away from my MIL and we still here about how we "moved away" from her.

  12. Number Five happens to me all the time - but usually running a program called Touch Freeze fixes it. -


  13. Also, PS. We had number 4 happen ALL THE TIME with my in laws. Once we bought a house, it got MUCH better. But you did buy a house already, so that doesn't help you! I have no magic answers, but I will just say I know how it feels and you have my sympathy because I agree, it's SO incredibly annoying.

  14. Going out on New Year's is totally overrated, in my opinion. Stay home and cuddle up. :)

  15. I think your New Years plans sound just fine to me. Get a fire started, chill some champagne and make a list of things you want to accomplish in the new year.

  16. 1) No clue. New Year's is my birthday and I always want to just do something low-key with my friends and husband, but all of our peers are "out at the club". I always manage to talk B into spending the night with my family (b/c it's my birthday), but I always worry he'll resent not going out.

    2) I think it's a constant journey. Even just keeping myself in the range I consider healthy for me is a constant struggle.

    3) I'm told that you're never ready. You're never financially solid enough, mature enough, travelled enough, spent enough time together. When it happens it will be exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, I'm sure.

    4) Honestly, from my own experience, I think that if they want to hold a grudge, they will. My MIL does not love me, it's very clear, and I don't think she ever will. But the acceptance I'm hoping for - she still hasn't accepted that I am B's choice, but I do hope that someday she will and just move on to other worries. It's always easier to blame someone other than your kid - so I'm the reason B got married at 23, bought a house, settled down, doesn't call once a day, etc. Not B, me.

  17. 3 - IMO, no one is ever really ready so you might as well just go for it. (After your surgical one year waiting period of course.)

    4 - never. seriously.

  18. There is SO MUCH pressure for New Years. I've done the stay in version and the go out version and while I prefer the latter, sometimes doing something more laid back is perfect too. This year will be a big year of change NYE-wise for me and my friends. I'm not really looking forward to it.

  19. I think New Year's is super overrated. My favorite New Year's? Buying two nice steaks, some asparagus, and some wine, with my husband. And lit candles.

  20. 1) I don't know, but I'll be around too. Perhaps we should do something?

    2) There are a million good reasons for waiting to have a baby - in fact, there are another million reasons to NEVER have a baby. Which is why I say, if you KNOW you want a baby, HAVE IT NOW (assuming financially and physically capable). Close eyes, do the deed, don't look back, because otherwise you can second guess yourself into your 60's.

  21. just wanted to say as far as New Year's, Denver drives me nuts so we are usually low key too. I guess I am getting old but the crowds and the expensive dinners and all that just make me cranky. LOL.

    As fas as the in-laws go, I just want to say that sucks for you and I have no solutions. I would love to think they will get better with time, but who knows really. Maybe it's time for Torsten to have a throw down with them? Not sure if that's a possibility or not but sometimes just confronting it head-on helps.

  22. The baby thing is so hard to decide. I found it a relief when the first one was on the way, because it resolved two questions: (1) Will we have children? and (2) When will we start? After that, decisions were mostly based on spacing.