Everybody's fine

Oops. I kind of went a whole bunch of days without posting for no reason, huh? I mean, not really no reason because, well, I was in North Carolina and there were things going on like meals at all my favorite restaurants from ten years ago (I even got SUSHI! But don't worry, only the cooked kind) and swimming and sleeping and visiting with my parents and oh yeah, working. Ick.

Now I'm in DC. I drove back up from NC with my sister and her family on Wednesday, and yesterday I worked and then had dinner with a friend, and now here I am back at work today, and then I'll be spending the weekend at my sister's and then three more days next week at work and then I get to go home. I'm in that mid-trip slump right now--I've been here for so long and yet there's so long still left in this trip, and I feel like I haven't seen Torsten for several years and also did I mention that I'm pregnant and fragile and weepy? And I don't like being far away from my husband.

And yes, I know, this is the last time I have to be away from him for a very long time, indefinitely really because we have no immediate plans to travel again until well after Piglet is born. But I am not rational, I am grumpy because I am here and Torsten is there and it's been that way for far too long and it will continue to be that way for far too long. So there.

But despite the lack of posting, I'm fine, Torsten is fine, Montana is fine, and, well, as far as I know Piglet is fine too. I'm discovering that while the second trimester is significantly more relaxing, it's not exactly worry-free. My 16-week appointment is in exactly a week and I am just really keeping my fingers crossed that we will hear the heartbeat this time, and that if, like last time, we don't, they will, like last time, pull out the bedside ultrasound machine and we will, like last time, see a happy kicking baby in there.

Or! Even better! If we don't hear the heartbeat at the appointment, since this one isn't the last appointment of the day on a Friday afternoon, maybe instead of using the bedside machine that is terrible quality, they will refer us down the hall for a proper ultrasound, and maybe we would get a shot that would tell us the sex! That would be fun! Other than the nerve-racking minutes between the attempt to find the heartbeat and the ultrasound, obviously.

Of course, really what we're hoping for here is a nice clear heartbeat so that no ultrasound is required. Meanwhile, I went ahead and scheduled the 18-22 week ultrasound, when we really should get to find out the sex. It will be on September 2. So, assuming Piglet cooperates, we should have some fun info to share on that day.

Other than the whole hormonal weepy mess thing, and the linea nigra (which I think is getting darker), I'm in kind of a symptom lull right now. Of course, compared to the morning sickness all the other symptoms feel mild, but it is still weird that not much is going on. If I didn't know I was pregnant right now I would pretty much just think I was feeling a little weird and under the weather, and that is strange to me. So much for mother's intuition and what have you. I am just dying to feel the baby move.

Oh, but there is this symptom: I swear my nose is getting bigger. Like, not the inner membranes, which supposedly swell up and cause your nose to run, but the actual nose itself. It just looks bigger compared to the rest of my face. Googling this tells me that lots of other people have experienced it as well, but there seems to be no information on it from any kind of reliable, science-based source.

Still, it seems to be happening, and from what I can tell from the anecdotes I read online, it will most likely shrink back to its normal size after I give birth, so that's fine, but in the meantime, a big nose? Really? This is definitely another one of those symptoms that I could do without. However, if I did without all my symptoms then I would be annoyed and paranoid about not having any symptoms. So basically, with me you can't win. Sorry about that.

Childhood bedrooms

Good lord, it is hot on the East Coast. I'm in North Carolina right now, and it hit 100 over the weekend. And that happens in Denver too, but without the comparable level of humidity, which is what makes all the difference. The humidity level in NC right now is about 80%. Gag. Luckily, my parents have central AC.

Also, my parents are on a house organizing kick, and unfortunately, this extends to my sister and me, as in, they want us to clear out and organize our bedrooms and either throw/give stuff away or take it with us to our own houses. All attempts to persuade them that our childhood stuff belongs in our childhood bedrooms for us to, you know, visit occasionally and show to our kids have been rebuffed.

In some cases this is awesome--there are a few toys and stuffed animals that I would have chosen to bring home anyway to give to Piglet or put in the nursery. But the rest of it requires, I don't know, work, and choices. And also, I always thought it was so cool when I was little to go visit my grandmother in the house my dad grew up in, and see the rooms where he and his siblings lived. I never got to do that with my mom because her mother died before I was born and her father moved, so there was no childhood home to go back to.

It's not like my parents are going to turn my room into a gym, Friends-style, or anything. As far as I know I'm allowed to leave all the decorations up on the wall (and they are legion), and we have negotiated that we can pick out a few things that we especially liked and want our kids to be able to play with that can stick around to be visited. But most of it has to go. And I'm only here for two more days, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get all this done before I leave, and it will be an ongoing process.

What about you? What happened to your childhood bedroom? If it's not intact anymore, was it a painful process to dismantle it?

My very last jet plane. This year, anyway.

This afternoon I'm flying to DC for a 12-day trip. I won't actually be in DC the whole time--tomorrow morning I'm driving down to North Carolina with my sister and her family to visit my parents--but I will be gone for a full 12 days. Torsten is not coming with me.

Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I am super sad about this. It just so many days far away from him. And I am very much looking forward to visiting my family in NC--I haven't been there since last Thanksgiving--but I wish Torsten were coming too.

I'll be in DC for a week after we leave North Carolina, for work, and I'm trying to pack my social calendar full, and I'm doing a pretty good job. Unfortunately the majority of my DC friends have moved away, so there's only a few of them left, but I have dinners and lunches planned with several of them, and of course my sister lives there and I'll be staying with her on the weekend so that will be excellent too.

But I'm just remembering my last trip, when I was gone for 10 days, and only five of those were without Torsten, and yet by the end I was done and really really REALLY wanted to go home, and I'm a little worried that the same thing will happen this time, except that I'm more emotionally fragile this time around, plus the trip is longer, plus Torsten won't be there for any of it.

Seriously, the emotions? They are a mess. I thought this was supposed to be more of a first trimester thing? But a couple nights ago Torsten and I were chatting and he made a joke, a JOKE, a joke that I normally would have LAUGHED at because it was FUNNY, and instead... well, instead I cried, and felt very upset, and then Torsten felt guilty. And I knew, I knew as it was happening that it was not normally something that would have made me upset, and that it was just the hormones getting to me, but, well, that did not stop the weeping.

WEEPING. At a JOKE.

So yes, I am definitely emotionally fragile these days, and also? I think I might have the beginnings of a linea nigra. I noticed it this morning when I was getting dressed. It's very, very faint, and nobody glancing at my belly would ever notice it, but if you look closely you can see the faintest dark line that starts just below my belly button, just slightly left of center, and runs all the way down my abdomen.

But! On the plus side, I get to visit my family, and see my friends, and 12 days isn't THAT long, and also this is the last trip I have planned for a long time, definitely until after I give birth (because Thanksgiving and Christmas are too close to my due date for me to feel comfortable flying, so we will be sticking around Denver for the holidays), and then I will get all the Husband Time I need, so really, this is just one last trip and it should be fun which is why I planned it in the first place. So really I'm just being a baby about the whole thing, and I'm sure it'll turn out great and fly by.

Also, I won't really be alone. At least Piglet will be with me. That's definitely something, right?

This one's for Erin and her girls. And Ted.

Erin!

So, I don't get to attend your actual baby shower (tragically), but participating in this beautiful virtual shower is definitely the next best thing. I had a virtual bridal shower, and it was amazing, and I hope that this touches you as much as that one touched me.

I have been following along your journey for a long time, feeling excited with the possibility that each cycle brought, and then crushed and disappointed when it didn't end in pregnancy. And I still remember the day that you got your not-negative, and I almost knocked over my chair, I was so excited.

And now! Now that not-negative has turned into twin girls, and you have turned into one of the most gorgeous pregnant women I've ever seen. I am just so thrilled for you guys! Your twins are going to be some of the happiest, most loved babies ever to exist, and you guys are going to be wonderful parents. I can't wait to watch it all unfold!

And in the meantime, I hope you enjoy the "real" shower you're having today, too.

Weight loss and pregnancy

Over at Bodies in Motivation: How the lap-band affects my pregnancy

In-law redux

So, um, in the midst of the Big Reveal and subsequent spewing of several of the posts that I've had in my head for months but haven't been able to share until now, I haven't mentioned the in-laws for awhile, have I?

Well, there's been one big development: they're gone. They left on Monday, actually. And I know this will sound shocking, but Torsten and I were both kind of sad to see them go. It turned out that the visit was actually... not so bad. In some ways it was downright nice. It was what we were hoping for when we originally were looking forward to this visit as a possible bonding experience.

There was a lot of very frustrating, negative stuff at first, but it seems like they just had to spend a few days getting all that out of their system. It was like for the first week or so they acted like guests. They paid for meals when we went out, and they criticized round the clock. (OK, most guests don't do that, but I imagine it was all pent up and they needed to express it.)

But then they relaxed. We relaxed too. We all settled into a routine. When they asked, without a hint of passive-aggressive criticism, if they could help out around the yard because they like gardening, we said sure. And they did SO MUCH to the yard. They pulled down this ratty mini "dog run" fence in our yard. They cut down a stray aspen that was growing in the middle of the yard. They showed us how to properly prune our willow tree. They weeded and mulched the tree beds. And the yard looks SO MUCH BETTER, and also WAY bigger now that the stupid fence is gone. With the fence down and the stray aspen removed, there is a whole big grassy area in the middle of the yard that will be great for future piglets to run around on.

They were also self-sufficient. They didn't complain about the fact that both of us had to work the whole time they were here. Instead, they planned outings for themselves and spent the days out and about, exploring Colorado and thoroughly enjoying themselves. (Thank GOD they ended up getting a rental car.)

Sometimes they were too self-sufficient. Like a couple times on weekends, when we didn't have to work and had expected to spend the day with them, we would wake up at 8:30 or so and come downstairs only to find that they had already left. And then they wouldn't get home until dinnertime. Which... well, if we did that while visiting them, we would never hear the end of it. But it certainly took some of the hosting pressure off us.

Oh, and remember when I said I was hoping to be pregnant by the time they came to visit? (As a side note: Does anyone actually remember that? This is part of why I was so surprised that you were all so surprised when I announced my pregnancy. I thought I'd dropped hints. But apparently not.) Anyway, I was thinking that the pregnancy would be a good excuse to not be "on" all the time, and retreat to my bedroom if necessary. But it turned out they didn't expect me to be "on" anyway. I never had to use it as an excuse for anything.

The pregnancy also wasn't the bonding experience I'd hoped for with his mom. I was so sick, and when I asked her about her experience, thinking we could relate, it turned out that when she was pregnant she felt better than she ever had in her life, and never had a single symptom during the entire thing other than swollen ankles, and then delivered in three hours. So, you know. Not so relatable. (Though I suppose TECHNICALLY there's a chance I'll have a three-hour labor, but let's just say I'm not holding my breath on that one.) But, she was still very sympathetic and understanding when I was dry-heaving in the backyard or passed out in our recliner at 3 in the afternoon.

They loved the dog. LOVED her. I'm pretty sure that they were more upset to be leaving the dog than to be leaving us. Especially my mother-in-law. She spent hours sitting on the floor petting the dog and crooning to her in German. It made me excited to see how she is with Piglet. (And the dog didn't bite them once. Miracle!)

They were addicted to Whole Foods. I am pretty sure they went there every single day of their visit at least once. We found this hilarious, but also awesome as they came home with all sorts of yummy fruit and veggies for everyone to eat.

There was definitely some criticism, some miscommunication, some frustration. It is nice to have our house to ourselves again, and not have to think about guests (especially as I hit the gassy stage of pregnancy). But overall, it went great, and for a three-week visit, it really didn't feel that long. In fact, we're both looking forward to seeing them again in the spring when they come to visit and meet Piglet.

Still, in the meantime we're enjoying it just being us again. For the last time in the next, I don't know, 18-20 years. Yikes!

Inaugural belly shots

So, um, after I posted these photos on Twitter yesterday people's reactions made me realize that it's been quite awhile since I posted a photo of myself, or at least a full-body shot. So! What better time to remedy that than when I am 14 weeks pregnant and actually starting to show?

And by "show" I mean my belly is sticking out further in the second photo than in the first even though I have actually lost weight since the first was taken. I do not mean that strangers on the street would think I was pregnant. To the contrary, they would probably think I've been drinking waaaaay too much beer.

But I know what's causing that belly, and that's what matters! Also, the fact that there's already a belly at 14 weeks gives me hope that by the end of the pregnancy, I might actually look undeniably pregnant. This is my great wish.

Anyway! Onto the photos! Here I am at 10 weeks (technically 10 weeks and 2 days):


And here I am at 14 weeks (really 13 weeks and 6 days):


I'm wearing the same pair of jeans in both photos (though I don't wear those jeans anymore, as they are uncomfortably tight), and though it's not literally the same shirt, they are identical cuts from Old Navy, so they are the same for comparative purposes. So, what do you think? Delusional, or starting to show?

Baby sleeping options

We started a baby registry. It feels early for one, but this isn't something that we are disseminating at this point. Rather, we are using it as a shopping list/research tracker. We have researched and selected some of the basics that we want--like the crib and stroller and car seat--and added those to the registry for our own future reference. We have also put a bunch of placeholder things on there as reminders that we still need to figure out whether we want them, and if we do, exactly what it is that we want.

Luckily, Amazon is perfect for this. They have pretty much everything ever, and they allow you to categorize your list into "must have," "like to have," and "nice to have." So, I am categorizing as I go. If it is on there as a placeholder and has yet to be decided upon/researched, it is "nice to have." If we know for a fact that we definitely want it, it is "must have" or "like to have."

Basically, it's super convenient. Except that when I look at the registry, my head starts spinning because over half of it is still "nice to have." In other words: we have no freaking clue.

Some things that still fall in the "nice to have" category on our list (and this is not a complete list because looking at everything we still need to figure out at once would probably cause my head to explode, and plus we're only talking about baby gear here, and not all the other stuff we need to figure out, like oh, I don't know, daycare? AGH):

• Bathing mechanism
• Cloth diapers (research questions remaining to be addressed: do we want to do cloth diapers? If so, what kind? But that is a subject for another post)
• Breast pump
• Bouncy seat
• Swing
• Baby monitor
• Bassinet/co-sleeper

Let's talk about this last one, shall we? I started this conversation last night on Twitter and people had a lot of advice and opinions, which was great, but my head started to spin trying to keep track of all the 140-character responses, so I thought really we should move this conversation to the blog. So here we are!

Here is what we were basically thinking: get the crib. Set it up in the nursery. Try to use it for naps during the day (though according to Twitter the baby will sleep in all sorts of random places, and mostly on me, for at least the first six weeks). Set up some sort of sleeping mechanism like a bassinet or a co-sleeper in our bedroom, within arm's reach for easy access, to use at night.

But everyone has different opinions about this. And here's what it seems to boil down to: every baby is different, and sleeps differently, and has different preferences, and responds well or poorly to different things.

The gall! I mean seriously, why don't all babies come out the same, with an easy set of things to do that they will like and things to avoid that they won't like? And, barring that, I think we should get some sort of, I don't know, advance notice. Like hey, your baby won't sleep for the first six months. Or hey, your baby needs a swing to sleep, ever. Or hey, your baby will scream its head off if you put it in the bouncy seat.

I'm thinking like a weekly update from the uterus? This could also provide some much-desired information on the health and development of the baby. Two birds with one stone!

But, OK, this solution seems unlikely to appear sometime in the next six months (side note: my due date is exactly six months from today!), so let's discuss more realistic options.

First of all, I get it: We can't know. We can try to prepare, and do research and pick what we think will be the best option, but until Piglet gets here and starts showing us what does and doesn't work, we can't know. So we need to be prepared to be flexible.

Second of all: given that half of what we prepare for probably won't work, we'd rather not spend a ton of money on an array of baby products that wind up being totally useless. On the other hand, we don't want to have to stick the baby in a dresser drawer while we try to figure out what will work for it in the long run. A middle ground would be nice.

Third of all: we aren't interested in co-sleeping with the baby in our bed with us. This is the only given we've been able to agree on. It's just not for us. We definitely want the baby to have its own defined, separate sleep space. Even if it's one foot from our bed.

So now what? Do we buy some sort of bassinet or co-sleeper and assume the baby will sleep there at night? Do we try to make it sleep in its crib round the clock? Do we just give up and put the crib in our bedroom from the start? Do we do something else entirely?

Complicating factors: apparently the AAP says the safest place, from a SIDS perspective, for a baby to sleep is in its parents' room? I deal with a SIDS project at work, and I've edited a ton of science-based documents about SIDS prevention, and I had never heard of this recommendation until last night. Does this really make a difference? Or is it some sort of political middle ground? Also, is it really recommended for the baby to sleep in its parents' room until it's six months old? That seems like an awfully long time.

Also, I know that the point of having the kid near you is for middle-of-the-night nursing/convenience, but several people have pointed out to me that after the kid eats, it needs to be burped and have its diaper changed, so you end up getting up anyway. How does this actually work, in reality, from those of you who have been there? Is it really easier to have the kid right there? And if so, where do you change its diaper?

And, people say that their kid only slept in a bouncy seat/hated the bouncy seat/only slept in the swing/hated the swing. Is there a majority that prefers one or the other? What did/does your own kid prefer? And how do you find out if the kid hates the bouncy seat/swing without buying one to try out?

Plus, our house is two stories, with the bedrooms upstairs and the living areas downstairs. Does this mean we will want some sort of downstairs sleeping contraption as well? Will a bouncy seat/swing be sufficient, assuming Piglet doesn't hate both these things, or do we want a Pack N Play/bassinet/dresser drawer/I don't even know?

I understand that we can't answer all these questions before the baby is born, really I do. But my question really is, what CAN we do before the baby is born? Can we try to figure out what would work best for us, and plan for that, on the off-chance that the Piglet will comply with whatever sleeping situation we set up first? Are there certain things we can/should have on hand in advance? And what can wait until after the kid is actually here?

Maternity leave plans

I told my work that I was pregnant this week. I told my boss, and the director and associate directors of our department, and a few close coworkers. It's a little scary to have announced it to the world. The blog feels like the safest public space, because if something happened during the pregnancy I would almost definitely talk about it here even if I hadn't yet announced the pregnancy, and then Facebook is like a step more removed, and work is the final step. Like if something happened with the baby I don't really want to have to deal with people at work knowing about it. So it's a little weird to have the whole thing be out in the open.

But, you know, at a certain point you have to just assume that everything will be fine and take the plunge and know that if something terrible did happen this late in the game, people will be supportive and that's just how it's going to be.

I could have waited a little longer to tell work, especially since I work remotely, but I wanted to get my maternity leave situation figured out. My company has a decent maternity leave policy, but let me clarify right up front that I mean "decent by US standards, and would be regarded with horror by anyone from a country with a REAL maternity leave requirement."

Basically, it works like this: I get either 12 or 16 weeks of FMLA leave. It's unclear which because DC mandates 16 for anyone who lives or works there, which I don't, but my company is based there, so they generally offer 16 weeks to all their employees just out of the goodness of their heart, but this hasn't been finalized yet (one of the things I'm still trying to work out with the benefits department). But it looks like it will most likely be 16 weeks. Of those, six are paid at 60% through our company-sponsored short-term disability insurance. The other 10 weeks are unpaid.

I can also supplement my maternity leave with vacation and sick time. Since we've been planning for a long time to try to get pregnant this year, I've been saving up my vacation hours. By the end of the year I should have about four and a half weeks of vacation accrued, and another week or so of sick time. However, company policy is that you can roll over only two weeks of vacation time from year to year unless you apply for an exemption. In most cases the exemption will be granted to roll over 50% of your additional time. My understanding is that in general they will allow you to roll over the full excess amount if it is for maternity leave purposes. However, this is decided on a case-by-case basis and is not a guarantee. This is the other main point I'm trying to work out with the benefits office right now.

There are also more minor questions I have--like for example I've been told that short-term disability covers six weeks, but the blurb about it on our Intranet says 90 days, which I'm almost positive is wrong unless something has changed, but that would be a very good thing to know for sure. And, there's an elimination period of one week, during which time I have to use sick leave, but I don't know if the elimination period counts as one of the six weeks or if first I use a week of sick time and then I get six weeks of disability pay.

In fact, I know that the language on the Intranet has changed, because I copied it and emailed it to myself a few months ago, and looking at the email, I see that it had much more specific language about the maternity benefit aspect of the insurance, and now it just has general language about the overall insurance and says that maternity is included, so I don't know what the deal is, but something is definitely up and I need to find out what.

It's all very complicated, basically, which is why I wanted to start working it out early, so I could finalize my plans and get everything approved by my supervisor before the last minute (our benefits office can be very slow, so I wouldn't be surprised if it took a couple months to get all these details hashed out). Supposedly my benefits coordinator person has mailed me a maternity benefits packet that will answer most of my questions. I am very much looking forward to receiving this. But I'm not holding my breath that it will show up any time soon.

However, despite these complications, I am not complaining, because you know what would be a lot less complicated? Straight-up 12 weeks of unpaid leave. And I'm really glad I get more than that. One way or another, once I get all this crap worked out, I should be able to cobble together a full five months off to spend with Piglet, and parts of it will be paid, and I am very happy about that.

Still, it's a little depressing that I'm happy about 5 months of partial pay, when most people in Europe get at least half a year, most even a full year, of partial or full pay. And this usually applies to both mothers and fathers. We're a little behind the curve on this one, for sure.

What about those of you who took maternity leave from your jobs? What was the benefit like? How did it compare to mine?

The day after

Note: This post was written the day after we found out I was pregnant. I couldn't post it at the time, obviously, so I saved it until now. I've since moved on from these particular feelings but they were so strong at the time that I thought it was still worth posting.

I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. Tomorrow I will be four weeks along.

I don't even know how to describe these feelings. I thought when I got a positive pregnancy test that I would cry and be overwhelmed, and I wasn't. I was thrilled. And it still hasn't totally sunk in that in nine months, if all goes well, there will be a baby here.

When I think about the baby my heart squeezes. When I imagine a tiny newborn I am just overcome with joy and gratitude.

I am also incredibly grateful that we did not have difficulty getting pregnant. I always assumed that we would have trouble, and found the wait between ovulation and time of expected period absolutely agonizing. I know most people who are trying to get pregnant feel the same way. The first month we tried, we didn't succeed and when I got my period I sobbed. It was awful and I was crushed. I had just been so convinced that I was pregnant and it was a shock to realize that I wasn't.

Then I picked myself back up, pulled myself together, and we tried again. And on the second month of trying, I got pregnant. I saw the signs as I waited for those interminable two weeks to pass again, saw my basal body temperatures going up every morning, felt the fatigue and then the smell aversion and related nausea, and I thought this is it, this is a real sign, but after my incorrect conviction the previous month I couldn't believe anything.

So on a Saturday morning, May 8, twelve days after I'd ovulated, I took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest of faint lines. Torsten couldn't see it at all and told me I was crazy. So I didn't pee for four hours so that it would be nice and concentrated, and went out and bought a digital test. Two, actually, of different brands, because I'd heard they sometimes gave false positives. I peed on them both and in under a minute, both said the same thing: Pregnant. Then I peed on another regular stick and there was a darker, though faint, line.

Only then, when I saw all three positive tests, did I believe it. Torsten and I stood in our bathroom and hugged and kissed and stared at each other. Then we called my parents, then his parents, then my sister. I spent the day feeling elated. I said hi to my belly several times, and asked how it was doing. When Torsten kissed me I asked for an extra one for the piglet. When Torsten made off-color jokes I told him not to say those things in front of the piglet. I researched what was happening in my uterus at three and four weeks. And I felt a huge weight off my shoulders just knowing we could get pregnant, having it confirmed after years of wondering if this would ever be a possibility for us, even though I had no specific reason to think that it wouldn't be. I wonder if every woman is secretly terrified of not being able to get pregnant. I'm thinking yes.

So, I was elated for a day. Less than a day. I mean, I'm still elated now, obviously. Still can't believe this is happening to me, that there is this little future baby inside me, right now a blastocyst but busy growing, busy developing an amniotic sac and a placenta and a throat. It's smaller than a grain of rice but it's there. I can't believe that. I am so happy about that.

But last night we made the mistake of researching miscarriage statistics. And that was a good lesson to me: don't research the morbid stuff. It is truly better not to know. Until we did that I had thought, "Oh, I know there's always a chance, and we won't tell people until the second trimester just in case, but really the odds are low and I'm sure it will be fine."

Then I saw the stats. The risk of miscarriage is shockingly high, especially in those first few weeks. I almost wished I didn't know that I was pregnant yet, so I wouldn't worry, though of course if I didn't know I'd still be worried about the possibility of not being able to get pregnant.

I always knew that mothers, all parents, worried about their kids. I knew that when you're pregnant you always have the possibility of something going wrong in the back of your mind. But I had no idea what the worry really felt like.

It's weird, being pregnant. It's weird that wherever I go, the piglet comes. I'm going to the grocery store? Oh, I guess the baby will come with me. Dog park? Piglet might as well come along for the ride.

Mostly I feel joyful. I try to put the worry out of my head, because I know the odds are that it will all be fine, because there's nothing I can do to prevent it other than to generally stay healthy and safe. But the thing is that I've only known that I am pregnant for a day and I already feel fiercely protective of this baby. In the past I'd thought oh, if I get pregnant and have a miscarriage it will be awful, devastating, but at least we'll know we can get pregnant. But now, I can't even wrap my head around the idea of that. I don't want A baby, I want THIS baby. This little tiny grain of rice in my uterus, THIS is our baby and this is the only one that I want. No other baby will do.

And so I worry. And try to enjoy the experience at the same time. And take comfort in the incredible smell aversion that I am feeling (I can smell EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE and it all smells TERRIBLE; let's not even discuss the gag-inducing properties of dog food and the seafood counter at Safeway), because unpleasant as those feelings are, they are also reassuring because they tell me that things are progressing as they should.

And I will continue to be optimistic. I will worry, and I imagine that this worry will never leave me again, not when I move out of the first trimester, not when I give birth to a healthy baby, not when it is grown and moved away and living a life of its own, because you always hear parents say they worry about their children, and now I have tasted that worry and I can't un-taste it.

But in the meantime I will focus on the positive. In January there will be a baby. There is no reason to think otherwise, and so I won't. This is our baby, and it is on its way to us. And we are on our way to it.

On keeping the pregnancy a secret

I've heard a lot of people say that they kind of enjoyed keeping their pregnancy a secret during the first trimester. That they loved having something special and sacred between just them and their partner. That it was fun to whisper about it and think of excuses for things in front of friends.

I did not feel that way. I did not like keeping it a secret. Maybe you might have noticed, since I do have this blog and all, but I like to talk about things. I draw great comfort and benefit with sharing experiences and questions with friends and community, and getting advice and commiseration in response. I don't like lying or covering things up, and I found it very challenging to say "not much" when someone asked what was new, considering that VERY MUCH was new and exciting, and I couldn't say anything. I found it frustrating to think of excuses when people asked why I was so tired, or say that I was "fine" when really I was incredibly nauseous and also running to the bathroom to pee every twenty minutes.

(Also, when I have something to complain about, I like to voice that complaint.)

I felt like I was lying, basically. And to all sorts of people--family, friends, acquaintances, blog readers. The only people I could be open with was my immediate family and my doctors. It felt very strange to discuss things that I wasn't even telling close friends about with doctors I barely knew. Though of course I know them better by now.

But also, I was so glad to have them. When I called my endocrinologist to tell her I was pregnant and ask what I should do about my medication dose, she said, "That didn't take long!" because I had told her only a couple months prior that we were planning to start trying. And then I was able to say to her all this stuff I'd been feeling about how lucky we were to get pregnant so quickly and easily, all these things that I was feeling every day and couldn't say to anyone. And when I called my surgeon to tell him that I was pregnant and ask what I should do about my band and fills, he told me that in his religion (he's Jewish), they don't say congratulations until the baby is actually here, and then he said something in Hebrew that I didn't understand, but he translated it and while I forget the meaning, it was definitely very nice. And my midwives--there are four of them in the practice--have been so great.

I had some brown spotting at six and a half weeks, and it scared me. Of course it was after hours, so I called the nurse line at the hospital and they reassured me that most likely everything was fine, but paged the midwife just so I could have a more in-depth conversation about it. When the midwife called back, it was late but she was very patient and reassuring. She told me brown spotting is fine, brown is reassuring, brown means old blood rather than active bleed. She told me what to keep an eye out for (red blood, more than a teaspoon of blood of any color, abdominal pain/cramping), and said she wasn't worried at all, but that if I was worried I should call back in the morning and they'd schedule me for an ultrasound.

I said OK, I felt much better, I thought I could wait for the ultrasound until my scheduled appointment two weeks later, and thank you, but then the next day I started panicking and overanalyzing every little symptom (example: I'd only woken up twice the previous night to pee instead of my usual three times; did that mean my hormones were dropping?), so I called my midwife back. I told her I felt silly and I knew everything was probably fine but I was tying myself in knots and could I have an ultrasound? The nurse I spoke to first said they wouldn't be able to fit me in that day, but when I talked to my midwife she said she would write up the orders, they would find time for me, I would come in that day, not to worry if there wasn't a heartbeat since it was still early and a lack of heartbeat wouldn't necessarily mean there was a problem, and that of course I was worried, it was natural and there was no reason to feel silly. Then she told me that if the ultrasound department hadn't called to schedule an appointment within the hour, I should call her back, and she gave me her direct page line.

I hung up the phone feeling reassured and already more confident that the baby was OK. The ultrasound department did indeed call in under an hour, and scheduled me for a 1 p.m. ultrasound. Obviously, since I'm still pregnant, you know how that went. Torsten came with me. The ultrasound tech was great, reassuring and professional. She did an external ultrasound first, and could only see the gestational sac, but reassured me that this early in the pregnancy, that was totally normal. Then she sent me to pee before doing an internal ultrasound, where she knew she would be able to see everything.

I lay on the table in that dark room, clutching Torsten's hand as we both watched the blurry images on the screen. We saw the uterus, then the gestational sac, and then, with a bit more probing from the tech, we saw what was inside the sac. We saw the yolk sac first--it was big and round and obvious--and then, at the exact same moment that the tech said it, I saw the little flicker of a heartbeat. "There's the heartbeat," she said, just as my eyes registered the white flickering in the midst of the blob, and I laid my head back against the table and said "Oh, thank god," and Torsten squeezed my hand and then asked where exactly the heartbeat was, and I pointed out the flicker to him at the same time as the tech did.

She showed us the fetal pole, told us the baby was measuring on target at 6 weeks and 1 day, measured the heart rate--a perfect 126 beats per minute--and then checked blood flow to the area, examined my ovaries, and announced that everything looked great. I didn't care about that, once I heard that the heart rate was where it should be. I just lay there squeezing Torsten's hand and feeling overwhelmed with relief and love for this little tiny blob with a beating heart that would eventually turn into our baby.

This is the image we saw that day. Of course in the still picture you can't see the flicker of the heart, so it just looks like a blob, but the tech helpfully drew an arrow to exactly where we saw it, and, adorably, added two exclamation points to the caption.


When we left the hospital I wanted to call everyone I knew, to tell them about the fear and the panic I'd dealt with the previous night and all that day, and how beautifully it had ended, how lovely this little baby's heartbeat was, how lucky we were to have a baby with a beating heart. But I couldn't. I called my parents and I called my sister, and then I set about pretending to everyone else like everything was normal and my emotions hadn't been through the ringer over the previous 24 hours. I forced my mind off that flickering heart inside me and onto my work. It was nearly impossible but I had to do it.

I'm so glad that now we're past that part where I have to keep it all inside. I guess I'm just not the secret-keeping type.

Pregnancy questions, answered

Thank you guys so much for the outpouring of supportive well wishes yesterday. Torsten and I (and Piglet) (and Montana) were truly, incredibly touched. I read all the comments as they came in and then just now I went back and re-read the whole batch at once and cannot stop smiling. You guys are so great! I think you are almost as excited about this baby as we are.

And, I know I didn't provide much detail in yesterday's post. Mostly I just wanted to announce what was happening, and follow up with details later. So, here are the details! I tried to sort through all your comments and address every question.

You sneak! Why did you say you weren't going to start trying for awhile?
I was actually really surprised that all of you were so surprised! I guess when you carry around such a big secret you start to feel like everyone can magically tell that you have it. I was expecting at least a few of you to say that you knew it, but nobody did!

Anyway, to answer the question, I said we weren't going to start trying until Torsten had a chance to get his company off the ground. He said he wanted a year to focus on the company before the baby was born. We bent the timeline a teeny bit on this one, but guess what? My due date is also the one-year anniversary of the day he filed his company's LLC papers. He wanted a year? He gets exactly one. Assuming Piglet doesn't arrive early, of course.

How are you feeling?
Aw, you guys are so thoughtful. I actually had really terrible morning sickness for about a month. It came to a head in my 11th week, when one day I couldn't keep any food down at all, and every time I tried to eat I got tightness in my chest in addition to horrifying levels of nausea. That was when I realized that the problem was related to my lap-band (chest pain usually accompanies food that gets stuck in the band), so I called my surgeon's office and they had me come in right away to have some fluid taken out of the band. Apparently all the vomiting I'd been doing during just the regular morning sickness had inflamed the tissue around the band, causing it to tighten and reject all food. Once they pulled some of the fluid out, the morning sickness improved vastly.

I've been feeling so much better since then that I don't mind the other, milder symptoms so much. I've had pretty much the whole constellation: extreme fatigue, constant peeing (I've been waking up three times per night to pee since before I even got the positive test), headaches, acne, constipation, bloating (and the accompany, charming belching), heartburn, the works. At the moment I'm in kind of a lull, symptom-wise (though I could still out-belch a whole fraternity of drunk 19-year-olds), and trying to enjoy it.

The only first-trimester symptom I never really had was breast tenderness. I didn't have the feeling the books and websites talk about where you think you'll kill your husband if he comes anywhere near your boobs. Though recently I have started to get dull aches and intermittent stabbing pains inside my breasts. I suspect that's related to milk duct development? But really, who knows.

Are your families excited?
Yes, yes they are. No surprise with my side of the family (my mom has been collecting items for her "grandchild box" for years), but we were a little unsure of what to expect when we told Torsten's parents. We told both sets of parents the day we found out, when I was about 4 weeks along (just with a phone call--no creative announcements here), and got equally thrilled reactions from both sides. And Torsten's parents have been very sympathetic and understanding toward me throughout their visit.

Will you find out the sex?
If Piglet is cooperative, yes. We'll have the anatomy scan at 18-22 weeks, so late August or early September, and if the legs aren't crossed, we'll find out. And I'll share the news here, don't worry.

Have you been dying not being able to tell us?
YES. It was the right decision for us not to tell until the second trimester, but I HATED keeping it a secret. It just felt wrong, and disingenuous. I'm so glad now everything is out in the open!

Any other questions? What am I forgetting?

Our little piglet

This past spring, when we started trying to get pregnant, I permitted myself the indulgence of browsing Etsy for some prints that we could potentially hang in our nursery someday. I put a whole bunch on my favorites list, some really nice ones. I told myself that if I got pregnant, we would decorate the nursery once I hit the second trimester, and not before.

But then I found one print that stood out among the rest:


And Torsten and I agreed that if I got pregnant, we would order this print, just this one, as soon as we found out. And then I tried really hard not to think about the possibility of never getting to order that print.

And then a few months ago, two lines appeared on that stick, and I bought that piglet watercolor.

Our own little piglet is due on January 19.

(Sonogram photo from a month ago, when I was 8.5 weeks along)

Selective memory

Germany lost to Spain in the World Cup semifinals yesterday. We DVRed the game and watched it last night. It was pretty grim. Me and three Germans, and I don't think I was rooting for Germany any less than they were. So yes. Four grim, disappointed people shouting curse words at the TV before lapsing into stunned silence as we watched the end of the game play out.

Not like I've never seen my team lose before, but the World Cup sucks because it's only every four years! At least with all the other sports I like, you can soothe yourself by thinking about next year. Not so much in this case.

Unrelatedly, after the fight about the tipping, Torsten's parents said they were going to call their friends' daughter, who also moved to the US and still lives here, to find out if what we were saying was true. I wish they would, but I don't think they did. It's nice to get external confirmation, you know?

Also, the whole thing pisses me off, because they've come to the US to visit Torsten no less than four times, and every time he carefully explains that no, in American restaurants service is not included in the price of the food, and yes, you do have to tip a minimum of 15% unless the service was truly atrocious, and no, letting your water glass get half empty doesn't qualify as atrocious, and no, there are no exceptions, when you don't tip you are hurting someone else's income.

(As a side note, can I just say that I think the whole process of paying restaurant servers a ridiculously low, separate minimum wage and forcing them to depend on the whims of their clientele for their income is insane? Truly, it makes no sense. I KNOW that when Torsten's parents aren't with us, they leave MAYBE $1 as a tip no matter the price of the meal. I have seen many other random restaurant patrons do this as well. In what world does it make sense to leave a hardworking person's ability to pay their rent up to the stingy selfish mood of random patrons?)

Anyway! My original point was, Torsten tells his parents that they must tip EVERY TIME they visit. EVERY TIME. And yet, EVERY TIME, they stare at him in shocked disbelief and absolutely give the impression that they have NEVER heard of such a thing before in their lives and cannot BELIEVE something so outrageous.

And yet! When they went to Macy's on Monday? They remembered from their visit to DC two years ago that as out-of-towners, they were entitled to an 11% discount to make up for sales tax. They remembered that they had to go to the customer service counter to get it. They remembered that the customer service counters in Macy's are usually hidden at the very back of the highest floor of the shop. And they remembered what to say, despite their very limited English, to get the coupon. And despite the fact that they had to navigate all this on their own, at a different Macy's location in a different state, they got the coupon with no trouble, and they used it all day.

So it's not like they CAN'T remember things. It's that they CHOOSE NOT TO. And that is possibly the most frustrating part of all.

On the other hand, perhaps this little trick of memory will allow them to forget the misery of yesterday's World Cup game. And that would be nice for everyone.

One week in

You guys aren't sick of hearing about the in-laws yet, right? OK, good, because I have more to say.

We are 1/3 of the way through the trip. They have been here a whole week. So far things are going pretty well. They are quite self-sufficient, as it turns out. They are addicted to Whole Foods and go there almost every single day at least once. We are quite surprised that they like such a pricey store, but maybe the exchange rate makes it feel more affordable?

They also can entertain themselves doing very little for long stretches of time. Yesterday they went to the mall to take advantage of the holiday sales. They left at 11 a.m. and came home at 7 p.m. They were at the mall that entire time except the last half hour when they were at Whole Foods. I don't know exactly what they were doing at the mall, as the only store they actually purchased anything at was Macy's, but they apparently had a great time during the eight hours they spent there, so we're not complaining.

(Though, as an aside, it's a little weird to me that they complained when they scheduled their visit that we couldn't take vacation time off work for the three weeks they were here, and then on the days we actually don't have to work, they head out for all-day activities by themselves. But hey, whatever works.)

On Friday night we took them to a Rockies game, per their request. We thought they would be bored since they don't understand baseball and it's a long, slow game if you don't know what's going on, but they enjoyed themselves, and the ballpark food, and the fireworks after the game. On Saturday it was a trip to Colorado Springs and Pikes Peak. They were afraid of Pikes Peak, having apparently read in some guide book that the drive up can be dangerous (which... well, the road lacks guardrails and is scary, but as long as you're careful and keep your eyes on the road, I don't think it's actually dangerous). But we talked them into going and they LOVED it, and are still raving about it days later.

Then on Sunday they spent the whole day downtown by themselves. Not quite sure what they did, but they came home in time for dinner and we grilled out with them. We were going to go see the fireworks, but then it poured with rain for hours on end, so we skipped it. We were OK with that, since we saw the fireworks at the Rockies game on Friday. And then yesterday, as I said, they spent the whole day at the mall.

Ooh, but we did spend all of Sunday night playing Rock Band Beatles, which turned out to be surprisingly awesome. We only have three instruments (drums, guitar, and microphone), so I sang, Torsten and his dad traded off the drums and guitar, and Torsten's mom danced. She is an awesome dancer, actually. It was a surprisingly fun bonding experience. I guess the Beatles are universal.

Of course, the negative stuff is all there too. The problem is that most of the negative comments aren't so much funny-terrible (a la Swistle's dearly departed MIL), they're just regular-terrible. They lose no opportunity to make unproductive negative comments such as telling Torsten that he was insane to quit his job to start a company, the company is way too high-risk and nobody will ever pay him for these services, and so on. Which: OK, we get it, that's how they feel, but at this point what is he supposed to do? Shout "You're right!" and go beg for his old job back? It's obviously too late for that, the deed is done, and ignoring the fact that he's a million times happier doing this than he was in his old job, and things are going great with the company, it just seems like the time has passed to make negative comments about the decision, you know?

And then also there was a fight over tips. We went for dinner at a brewery. The bill came to about $60. His parents generously offered to pay. Then they sat at the table debating whether they should leave $1.50 or $2 as the tip. This despite the fact that Torsten has told them a million times that 15% is a MINIMUM tip in this country, and if the service was good (which it was), it should really be more like 20%. And they do so much research before coming here, they MUST have read this in guide books as well. But they just refuse to believe it. Finally Torsten said that if they weren't going to tip an appropriate amount, he would just pay for dinner, at which point they caved in and tipped something more reasonable, but were very angry about it and grumped about it for the rest of the night.

It just gets... tiring. It's just hard to hear constant harping about how every single decision Torsten makes, or that we make together, is wrong and bad and is going to end poorly. When we try to tell them about things and make them feel included, we are met with resistance, or dead silence, or complete disinterest, or comments about how much better things would be if we were in Germany. They say very clearly that they don't want to hear about it, because things happening in our life are all because we live in the US and not in Germany, and that's not their problem, and we can expect no support from them. This no matter what kind of story we're telling, whether we're talking about something good or bad, and of course totally ignoring the fact that we aren't asking for any kind of support other than basic parental moral support.

And I get it, I do. They wish we lived in Germany. They don't like that their son lives so far away. But he does live here, he owns a house here, he has a company here. He's been here for over five years. He is not going anywhere. At a certain point it would be nice if they could accept that fact, or at least try to keep their disapproval to themselves, or at least try to keep their nasty comments to themselves and display SOME sort of interest in what's going on in his life, instead of just stonewalling him because everything he tells them about his life is viewed in the framework of "life in the US instead of in Germany."

But of course, just when you start to get frustrated beyond words, they do something totally nice and unexpected, like bringing me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for no reason. And then you feel guilty for being frustrated. Even though you can see that the negative comments are causing your husband to develop an ulcer.

Four-day weekend begins now

So, I have today off, and Torsten is taking it off too, and we're about to head out with his parents, so this won't be much of a post, but I did want to respond to one question in yesterday's comments.

Turns out, Torsten's parents love Montana. Especially his mom, who was the one who was most concerned about being bitten. She will spend ages on the floor petting her, cooing at her, and generally speaking very cute-sounding German baby talk at her.

My favorite part? She calls her "hundchen," which loosely translates to "doglet." How cute is that?

Montana is a big fan of her grandparents, for sure. She's going to go through some serious regression/withdrawal when they leave and she goes back to just getting regular amounts of attention from boring old us.

Happy 4th, everyone! (And happy belated Canada Day to the Canadians!)

Oof.

I'm tired. Being "on" all the time is exhausting to me. So far the visit is going reasonably well, truly. I mean, it's comedic for sure, but everyone is, at least so far, on their best behavior, and there have been no shocking episodes so far.

But good lord, I'm tired. Thank god I have Twitter to turn to in order to remind me of exactly what happened yesterday that made me so tired. Let's see:

• First (and while I was on a conference call), Torsten's parents dug out the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the entire upstairs, which we had just vacuumed the day before. Also, they dug out the old vacuum cleaner, which barely even works. No wonder it took them so long.
• When I got off the phone, I looked out the window to see them in the backyard. Which, fine, except they weren't, like, hanging out on the patio. They were marching around the yard, inspecting it quite thoroughly.
• When I actually walked outside to see what was going on, they asked if they could mow the lawn. I didn't know what to say. Also I thought it was a weird question. And it was 90 degrees out and boiling hot. And Torsten wasn't there to help. So I said something about "heiss" ("hot") and pointed at the sun. I am a very effective communicator.
• They said they wanted to buy some groceries for breakfasts, and also have lunch, so we sent them off to Whole Foods in their rental car with our GPS (thank god it can be set to German). We were a little nervous about their driving--the rental car is an automatic and Torsten's dad isn't so comfortable with that (he has always slammed on the brake while accelerating multiple times, thinking it was the clutch), and this makes him do other scary things like stop in the middle of the exit ramp to figure out what's going on, or drive at 40 mph on the interstate. So when they hadn't come back 3 hours later, we started to get a little nervous.
  
• Finally they showed up, and we still don't know what in the hell they were doing at Whole Foods for three hours, but that does truly seem to be the only place they went. Then I was stuck awkwardly entertaining them for a couple hours until Torsten got back from his meeting. It turned out to actually not be that bad. Yes, as Sizzle pointed out, it is like playing charades, but at least we can use SOME words. Right?

But hey, for all the awkwardness and the struggles and the weird stuff, they are trying and so are we and they are being nice and so far it's going well. Also, they brought us Lindt chocolate that you can't get in the US, and fancy face cream for me and a really freaking nice watch for Torsten. And gifts usually help make most things better, am I right?