Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Trying not to judge

So, first of all, a lot of you had interesting things to say on yesterday's post. I think you're right (and I would do well to remember this, especially since it was one of the major lessons I learned last year) that these people's comments are really about them, not me. However, I don't think it's jealousy, exactly, that's sparking these types of judgment. I think it's more that people assess the kind of effort and work it would take THEM to plan and research the way I do, and assume that it takes me the equivalent amount of time and effort, and therefore judge. Whereas in reality these things come naturally to me, so it isn't an effort at all.

Also, I think people see one or two characteristics in a person, know that they've seen those same characteristics in another person that they know well, and assume that the two are alike in all aspects of whatever characteristic it is. When in fact that's often not the case.

So, since I was just complaining about other people judging me, I think it's only fair that I talk about me judging others, too.

This whole thought process actually started with the fact that our gym has become very crowded this month with a bunch of people who have clearly made it their New Year's Resolutions to become fitter and/or lose weight. And oh, it's so annoying that the machines are full and the lockers are full and there are people everywhere and you have to wait. And the annoyance makes it easy to look down on these people as poseurs, fakers who really just exist to get in the way of those of us who are REAL gym-goers.

But seriously... that attitude is not productive. Everyone has to start going to the gym sometime, and what better time than New Year's, from a standpoint of self-motivation? I am not any better than anyone else just because I happened to start at this gym in the summer. So I need to get off my high horse and recognize that we are all in this together and just get over myself, basically.

Of course, this isn't to say that I won't be relieved when February rolls around and the gym crowds thin out. I'm just trying to be tolerant about the reason for the issue.

I think this applies, in general, to most situations. It's really easy to think, well, this way worked for me, it's been great for me, so why is that person too dumb to do it this way as well? But it's just so counter-productive. Obviously there's not one right way for everyone to do things because if so, we'd all be doing everything the same way and succeeding wildly, you know?

I'm not saying I'm trying not to judge at all. We all judge, all the time. It's how we make decisions. There's nothing wrong with that. But some judgments are more negative than others, and a lot of judgment is useless, and CERTAINLY directing negative judgment at someone and making them aware of it is useless.

So, you know. I can judge. I can observe and make decisions and form opinions about things that people do. But instead of aiming those judgments outward and letting them make me feel dismissive about other people and what may or may not work for them, I need to try to channel them into informing myself about what might or might not work for me.

15 comments:

  1. I'm a self-admitted judgmental snob when it comes to the gym. And here's why. If those New Year's Resolutioners actually stuck to their resolutions. Actually joined the gym. And kept going to the gym on a regular basis throughout the year. Then, I'd say, bring them out of the woodwork on January 1.

    But, the fact of the matter is (and you pointed it out), gyms get ridiculously busy on January 1. And every month after that, they thin out. Until the summer time, when lots of people take their workouts outside and the gym is a ghost town.

    As someone who has been a member at a gym since high school (going on 20 years now), I can't think of a bigger waste of money than to get an annual gym membership and only use a tenth of it. Yes, on this one, I judge. Shoot me.

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  2. I have been more in tune with my judgmental tendencies and am trying to curb them. This is a good post and I appreciated hearing someone else's perspective on it!

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  3. I try not to judge, but I am guilty of doing it frequently. I am so interested in other people's lives and feel that I could offer helpful suggestions to their problems, but often I don't realize that I am judging them in the process.

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  4. I'm judgy, I totally am. At least I do most of my judging silently, in my head, and don't voice it to anyone else. I also tend to sometimes feel smug when I'm doing something one way that's working for me and others are doing it another way that is not working for them. But hoo-boy, I cannot tell you how many times that has come back to bite me in the behind.

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  5. Very good post. You hit the nail right on the head. I love reading your blog! It makes me think about myself and what I can improve upon.

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  6. I don't think there's anything wrong with sort of half-heartedly judging someone for quitting the gym on January 10th. But as somone who JUST started a weight-loss journey, is committed, and has been hitting the gym, it bugs me that there are SO MANY HATERS. Maybe I'm in the minority in that New Years Resolutions really work for me---for whatever reason. But a friend of mine wrote a really hateful post about "keeping the fat asses out of the gym" and man, it pissed me off. I wish people would relax and just not worry so much about others choices.

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  7. I've been a regular gym member for over a year now, for the first time in my life! Usually I sign up and then don't go. But I found myself last year being annoyed, just like you, about all the new people. But then I realized that those people needed to be there just as much as I do and now my thinking has shifted. I'm proud that those people choose to come workout and I hope that there's always a line for a machine. If there was we'd have less sickness and depression I think.

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  8. I made a dumb remark about January craziness in front of someone and then totally could see I crushed them...because they were obvs thinking this January was the ONE. I felt like shit and realized I don't even mind the January frenzy - all the more peeps to draw motivation off of. Plus hello I was such a person last year. Great post!

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  9. I like the distinction of "judging" versus "judging in a negative way".

    Because it's true that without judgement, none of us would be able to function, ever.

    Also, grouping things together in our minds according to similarities and differences is satisfying. But you are so right when you say that it's the doing it negatively that's the problem.

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  10. Eh, some stereotypes are true. And resolutioners failing? Is a stereotype that is true. I get mad about this too, and I have to admit, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

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  11. I appreciate your perspective on the gym issue. I just joined a gym this week, but it's not because of any sort of resolution. Rather, I took advantage of a New Year's promotional and am finally able to afford a membership!!! I've been working out on my own/my school's gym up until this week...

    Hope this affirms your new perspective! :)

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  12. I hope the people stick with it at the gym. I know it's changed my outlook on life. But. They probably won't. And they're in my way.

    :)

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  13. I know this post is more about judgement in general, but I do think that gyms should post a list of general rules for the Resolutioners. I judge because they sit on the machines while they aren't using them, and just generally walk around as if there aren't other people there. Perhaps it's not their fault, but one guy actually sat and read the paper on a bench between his sets. So, well. I fume along with my judgement.

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  14. And I would like to point out that since I've been going to the same gym for many years, I actually LOVE to see some of the people make it past Feb. I dont WANT to work out alone, I LIKE having all of those people sweating around me. I like that part a lot - the ones who don't make it leave but the ones that do become part of us.

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  15. I read an article recently (I swear it was in the Oprah Magazine) about how people who compare down ("Hm, my boobs are perkier than hers.") are actually happier than those who compare up ("Her legs are so much nicer than mine!"). I'd much rather not compare at all, but I'm not that evolved yet (trying! It's the lesson I hope to accept this year). So until I reach the next spiritual level, I've given myself license to compare down (silently, of course!).

    This means that I'm just as annoyed with the people who have started crowding my dance studio as you are with the New Year's Resolution folks at the gym.

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