Torsten and I don't really have fights, ever. Sometimes we disagree about things but we always just talk it out until we agree. I know some people say that all real relationships have arguments, but I have to say I don't agree.
I think the reason we don't fight is that we both are always trying to see the big picture for ourselves as a unit. So sometimes one of us will do something we shouldn't have done, but instead of arguing about it we will both generally agree that it shouldn't have been done. Or one of us will want something that the other doesn't want and we will talk over the reasoning and the pros and cons until we've figured out what's best for the two of us.
For example, Torsten would like to have a cat, but I really, really would not. I like cats fine, but not in my house. They climb on things and always get everywhere, which I find annoying and also unhygienic, and also I just generally don't find them particularly affectionate or cuddly or sweet. They're fine, and I will pet and enjoy other people's cats, but I don't want one in our house. And also, and perhaps more importantly, my mother is allergic to cats. So if we got one, it would be like a slap in the face to her, us telling her that our desire to have an animal that she knows I don't even particularly like outweighs our desire to ever have her come visit us.
On the other hand, Torsten's desire for a cat is somewhat minimal. He never had pets growing up and as a result he really wants a pet now, but he's not that picky about which type. Of course his first choice would be a pet goat, but I'm pretty sure he realizes that's not a realistic option. So his actual, reasonable first choice is a dog, which is my first choice too. I love dogs and cannot wait to live in a place that allows and can accommodate pets. Torsten would like to have a cat in addition to a dog, but it's not the biggest deal to him if we don't. So, we discussed it and agreed that we will only get a dog, with the promise to revisit the subject if circumstances change--like if he were to realize that his life is severely lacking without a cat, or my mother were to learn that she has miraculously outgrown her cat allergy (can you outgrow things at any age?), or something similar.
So we've never found ourselves in a stalemate, and I seriously hope that we never do. It seems unlikely--we have similar life outlooks, similar communication styles, similar goals and plans for the future. But it's always a possibility--for example, one of us could decide after the first kid that we don't want another one, while the other is still intent on having a second. Or similar. Sort of like Swistle's case now, which makes me feel so sad for Swistle, but also makes me wonder how we would react if a similar sort of situation arose for us. How would we deal with it? Would one of us have to make an unequivocal decision that made the other one very unhappy? Or would we somehow find a compromise? What do you do if there just isn't a compromise to be found?
This is where you come in. Have you ever had a situation with a significant other (or other family member) where you just could not agree? How did you resolve it? How did you move on?
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A goat?! Seriously? That's hilarious!
ReplyDeleteOne with allergies can adapt to a cat. But it takes a significant amount of exposure, and I don't know how often your mother would be visiting. I did develop a tolerance to my sister-in-law's cat, but she has two cute babies, whom I miss no opportunity to adore. So, yeah, I've had lots of exposure to the cat :)
I'm glad you guys are good conflict solvers!! That will really help your marriage!
ReplyDeleteWe've never had anything that we can't (eventually) compromise on, though I can NOT say that we've never fought. Especially since we've had kids. haha
That said he really (60/40 yes) wants another baby and I (60/40 NO) am not sure I do. We'll see how that goes in another 6-12 months. :)
I think grown up acceptance is the only sol'n. My husband and I have differing views on which country to live in. It's kind of a major thing. But the one that does the sacrificing does it out of love and realizing that the choice is being together or not being together. And then the other one, realizes holy cow I have a great spouse! And so even though the subject is sacrificing and heart breaking it sort of makes us care for each other more. I don't see how anyone who doesn't get this has no shot at making it long term.
ReplyDeletePuppy cravings! I have them too. You should totally get one so I can live vicariously through you two ;)
ReplyDeleteBut on a more serious note, it's great that you guys communicate so well. I think so many couples overlook that.
unfortunately, my conflict resolution style sucks and i really need to work on it.
ReplyDeleteI have totally already asked Gabe if we can have a goat someday when we move to the country. He said yes! :)
ReplyDeleteWe don't exactly fight. It's more like pissy shouting stints. We have been together for seven years, so it's a lot easier now to just get snippy with each other. As far as actual disagreements go? We compromise as much as we can and if we know we are never going to agree we stop talking about it. Sometimes we just have to not agree. Sometimes that means that we keep more crap sitting around for longer than I wanted it, or we end up with a truck that we don't really need but he feels attached to, or a million other little things. But that is how a marriage works. You disagree but you live with it and you love each other anyway.
Now *I* want a pet goat.
ReplyDeleteI have had about 4 long term relationships and those didn't last past two years. I would say that, yes, I've experienced unresolved situations with a significant other.
ReplyDeleteAhem. ;-)
But, I do try to talk things out. I don't enjoy arguing. I like to hear the other person's side. Sometimes people just won't agree on something and have to agree to disagree. Hopefully there is enough respect between the two to outweigh it.
Well, back in the day we disagreed about finances and whether K should pursue a real job, and that ended with a separation.
ReplyDeleteNowadays we disagree over politics, which will never probably be resolved, much to my annoyance, because K loves to spew left wing rhetoric as much as possible. And I'm a leftist, if that's any sort of context. We got into a political fight just this morning, in fact. Fun times.
Perhaps Torsten can transfer his cat love to another pet that you might also like?
Usually fights for us are about something else -- sleep deprivation, exhaustion, stress about something else, like work or just life. That's typically when the full-fledged arguments kick off, and that's something I think a lot of couples go through as their lives progress and things change. It's hard to be zen-like and see the big picture for yourselves when you haven't slept in three days, the baby's crying at 3 a.m. and work hates you, you know?
ReplyDeleteIn that respect, you may be surprised later on -- or you may not, as if you're like us, you may not notice it and/or see it as a big deal, or it might not happen at all. I would have seen it as a VERY big deal when I was first married, because how can we talk to each other like that? Why are we so pissy? OMG THIS IS AWFUL.
Except that it isn't, and that's just life. Life, sometimes, gets harder than we ever expected at the beginning. But working through it, pissy arguments and all, is very, very rewarding.
We are currently working through a dog situation. My cat just died and I really want a puppy this spring [we don't want to house break a puppy in the winter! :) ] Anyway, my BF keeps saying "we will reevaluate in April" while I keep saying "we are getting a puppy in April!"
ReplyDeleteI know that he really wants one too, but he's trying to be realistic about whether or not we have enough time for a dog. I am blinded by love for animals and I want one!!!!
I guess our discussion is to be continued... ha ha.
Hmm. There are actually several things about which Rob and I disagree. (He loves playing online poker; I think it is a waste. I love expensive haircuts; he thinks that is ridiculous. He thinks I should bite my tongue around his family; I have a sometimes uncontrollable urge to tell them all exactly what i think of them. He loves watching football constantly; I kind of hate it.) So far, we are muddling our way through these disagreements. I accept that he is going to play online poker in exchange for his promise not to put us in the poorhouse and in exchange for him not chastising me for drinking too much. And I get my expensive haircuts because he sees how happy they make me. I let him control the TV and watch football because I realize he loves it and, besides, I can sit and knit or read while he watches it. And, so far, I have kept my trap shut around his family because I realize how important that is to him.
ReplyDeleteMan, I just gave you way more detail than I think you wanted.
By the way, I like your perspective of thinking of everything from a big-picture of yourselves as a unit. That is lovely.
Ah, arguing. We definitely have fights, and the way we fight has changed over the years. I'd like to think we keep getting better at it, but as WE change our NEEDS (when arguing) change and things that were fine with me/him before are not okay now, etc. etc. etc. We have one or two Sticky Issues and we tend to leave them unresolved, trusting that we love each other enough to deal with this stuff as it comes up. Or one of us gives in and trusts that the other loves us enough to know how much of a sacrifice it is to give in. These are the big things though. The little stuff is shouted about and then easily brushed aside.
ReplyDeleteI've always thought cats are way more sanitary than dogs but that might because all of the cats I've lived with have been obsessive self cleaners and the dogs I've known have...not. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is kind of an issue in our house because we already have our cat but Will desperately wants a dog. Our compromise is this: We can get a dog when we move to someplace bigger that will have room for the dog to run and play easily and when Will has the time and attention to take care of the dog. Taking care of our cat is COMPLETELY my responsibility (Will drives to vet visits and carries the kitty litter when we buy a new tub and that's it) so taking care of a dog will be ENTIRELY up to Will.
Just for the record, though--there was never a time when I "won" the cat/dog debate. We have Poppy because I rescued her from Will's Mom's house when we got our own place (which is a really long story).
Here's the thing that I've learned about relationships. People need to want similar things and/or need to be flexible in order for longevity to settle in. You and Torsten seem to want similar things and are both willing to compromise. Same holds true with Sweets and me. Only Sweets definitely doesn't want a goat. =) I'm not sure we've come to a point in our relationship where we've hit an impasse. And if we did, it was something super minor, like what flavor of ice cream to buy that week, so I'm not sure that really counts. =)
ReplyDeleteI definitely get in fights with my husband - but we are far, far less gracious and compromising than we should be.
ReplyDeleteOh, children. That's a whole other story.
I think I'd like to stay home with my children (when we have them), but my husband told me the other night he'd like me to have a career.
So, looks like we'll have some differences whence the babies start!
Marriage is all about compromise - some bend us more than we wish. I think the point is feeling heard, supported, and knowing that you will take turns doing the most severe bending over. I don't want to live in NY but we have to for my husband's job. I hate it. But, he commuted across the country for two years so I could go to my grad school of choice. We take turns and keep talking!
ReplyDeleteI don't like conflict and work to resolve it immediately. The relationship with the SO fell apart because the conflict resolution consisted of me quieting my needs and accommodating his. Not healthy nor sustainable. As with everything I've done in life, I've learned much from this experience.
ReplyDeleteMister and I don't fight - but we do disagree sometimes and we have highly developed conflict resolution skills to hand it.
ReplyDeleteWe do have different ideas about when we want to have children, but I think especially with the big things, it’s so crucially important that we are on the same page that it’s worth putting in the time to figure things out. And we're both thinking 5+ years away, so there is that time.
However if he wanted to have 6 kids, I would run screaming. I’ve read Twilight! I know how they get out of you!
I'm probably not the best to answer such a question. My past relationship ended because of the issue of compromising on things.
ReplyDeleteAs for family, though, when we disagree and can't come up with a resolution we just agree to disagree. It works for us.
Oh, ok, I get it. Conflict Resolution means taking the idea of your partners, squashing it, then convincing them that that's really not what they wanted in the first place.
ReplyDelete"So sometimes one of us will do something we shouldn't have done..."
ReplyDeleteYou mean like wanting a cat?
I don't think I've reached a stalemate in my marriage yet, but I'm assuming it'll come one day, especially when we have kids.
ReplyDeleteOh, sure. We have ongoing disagreements, but for the most part they're things that we've "agreed to disagree" on.
ReplyDeleteReligion was a big issue for us for a while, so much so that we talked to our pastor about it. He helped us to see that our issue wasn't a huge deal, and that it was okay if our Lutheran children also say the rosary, Hail Mary, etc. in respect to my Catholic upbringing.
We're similar to you guys though - we have arguments, but never lasting ones. I can't see the sense of staying mad at someone when the resolution to the conflict is surely out there, waiting.
My BF and I have our moments, but that's just because we're both very very similar in personality - in that we're both pretty strong, and always think we're right. This wasn't so great in the beginning of our relationship, when we were still teenagers essentially... but we figured it out, and now that we've been together for four years and are in our 20s, we're having less and less of those types of spats. I think we've matured, and can back down sooner than we used to.
ReplyDeleteI know he and I will have certain arguments when we're married, but that's just because I know him well enough now that I already know what makes him tick and what things he'll be willing to argue with me on. I'm very good at being the one who steers us clear of a fight, because I'm intuitive enough to know the right way to broach a subject that I know he has strong opinions on.
I think that when you know you love someone, you can figure out this sort of dance for dealing with those issues that you just don't agree on. I don't think it's common for couples not to have a few disagreements, because even though you're a couple, you are both still individuals and that's perfectly okay. As long as you can agree on the things that effect both of you and the relationship on the whole, it's alright if you don't agree on absolutely everything else. But you have to be mature enough not to drag out disagreements.
And I really think that you should never go to bed angry. Even if an argument is just not over by the time you go to bed, I think it's important to seperate yourselves from the disagreement and tell each other you love each other; because tomorrow is always a new day, and there's no need for grudges. Oftentimes things seem much more minor the morning after.
I recently had an unresolvable argument with my mother, too, so this has been a CHALLENGING TIME!
ReplyDeleteWith my mother, we had to agree not to talk about it, because my arguments weren't affecting her opinions and her arguments weren't affecting my opinions, and all that was happening was we were both getting angrier and more incredulous.
With Paul and the children issue, I think the hardest thing is if the couple ALSO can't agree on which is the default route if a compromise isn't possible.
I say let him have the damn cat!
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you two are so matter-of-fact about conflict resolution. You will benefit with a long and happy marriage!
ReplyDeleteI guess this is a reason to get married young. The older I get, the less willing I am to accept that I am "wrong" about certain things rather than that I am just different from someone I'm dating. And if we're that different, we probably shouldn't be dating. As a male friend in his 30s put it, I get more uncompromising with my life with every passing year. Probably why I'll die alone. :)
ReplyDeleteHee. In my family, if you don't agree with my Grams and you have the audacity to actually SAY so, you'd best be apologizing and backtracking. Now that I'm thinking about it, a lot of my family members are like that. I'm not, and I'm also not willing to cave about some of my more definite beliefs, so usually we just drop topic and it's a sore spot for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you and Torsten can discuss things like reasonable adults, and I don't think you have to fight to have a successful marriage.
We are in a dog stalemate right now. I want a tiny apartment appropriate one, he wants to wait for a house.
ReplyDeleteoh dear. i could write 27 counter-posts to this one post. the ex lives in D.C., i live in the city of bourbon and horse races. he refuses to leave his job, i refuse to drop out of school. we are still crazy in love. welcome to the stalemate. :/
ReplyDeleteThere are certain things that are important and those that aren't. Knowing the difference, is the important part. Don't sweat the small stuff, and yes I agree never go to bed mad or angry. Often if you think about the conflict, it isn't the actual issue--but underlying things that are rubbing you the wrong way. You have to let it all go. If you guys are good at working out conflict that is key! That is half the battle right there!
ReplyDeleteI have no conflict stories to share, but I just have to say I love that Torsten's first choice for a pet is a goat, and I love even more that you prefaced that with "of course." Like it's so obvious. Like, of COURSE he wants a pet goat. Who doesn't?? That's adorable.
ReplyDeleteMe and hubs are the same way - we discuss things. We'll go through pro's and con's to any idea and get to the bottom of it. We also agreed (early on)that we each have a veto right - and then the other partner has to drop the idea. Like say if hubby wanted a chrome livingroom table and I'd say VETO! He has to drop it and we try to come up with a compromise. Its worked wonderfully so far.
ReplyDeleteIn the 9 years we've been together we've only had one BIG fight... about something we agreed about... but it was a matter of how to handle said situation that became a fight.
So good on ya- its much better than having huge fights on a regular basis.
D. and I don't fight either.
ReplyDeleteThe closest we ever came was when we were moving in together, surrounded by half-unpacked bags, boxes, and clutter in a postage-stamp-sized apartment. We were STRESSED. There was approximately 2 minutes of raised voices, and then immediate apologizes and an agreement to take a break from all the chaos in the room. :)
Our biggest conflict with happen within a few years. We both know it's coming. One day, D. will want to move back to NJ, closer to family & friends. I have NO DESIRE to move to NJ. I think it's terrible, actually. Living near his Mom would be a personal hell. Even his sisters and SIL (who I love) have told me - "Do NOT move here!" because his Mom is that controlling/crazy. Wow.
So... that waits in the wings. :) Until then, I don't expect too many upsets in our peaceful existence.
My husband and I had some conflicts we couldn't agree on while planning our wedding. Ultimately one of us decided that it just wasn't important enough to argue over.
ReplyDeleteI would imagine this would be harder to do in more serious situations.
I think some conflicts are more resolvable than others. It depends on if it hinges on an underlying value that is not shared. For instance, many money conflicts are actually based on non-shared values--e.g., I value time with my family and want to spend money on family activities/events, my ex valued physical things and wanted to spend money on a nicer car. Those are more serious than a cat versus no cat.
ReplyDeleteI can't offer up much here, as my last long-term relationship ended a decade ago, and used to involve fights that were more like cage-matches with words instead of fists.
ReplyDeleteThat being said... PET GOAT! That would be the awesomest pet *ever*! You could get him little booties like they make for the Seeing Eye Ponies!!!
I am in love with this idea. I wonder if you can housebreak a goat...