Doctor, doctor

The other day I was at the doctor for a routine checkup, and the nurse took my blood pressure first, as usual. As she tested it I sat there thinking about how I knew that it would be fine, and how relaxed I felt. Unlike a year ago, when I went to the doctor for a routine checkup and my blood pressure was unusually elevated, I didn't feel nervous or worried that the doctor was going to discover something really wrong with me. Of course, the follow-up visit was when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which was a very good thing to learn.

But it amazes me that it has only been a year since that happened. In that 2008, I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I found an endocrinologist and began getting regular blood tests, I started taking daily medication to manage the condition, I was diagnosed with hyperparathyroidism, I had surgery for the first time in my life, I went to the cardiologist, and I found a GP that I liked. I must have been to the doctor 20 times this year, whereas in previous years I went no more than twice, and sometimes not at all.

The amazing thing is all of these visits really did have the effect of de-sensitizing me to doctors. A year ago when I sat in that chair as my blood pressure reading came back high, my heart was pounding, and not because I was worried about the pressure itself. It was because doctors were foreign and scary to me, even if I knew I was healthy. Doctors just plain made me nervous, and when you're suddenly showing a high blood pressure reading, the pounding pulse doesn't really help ease the doctor's mind. But I always did feel that. My heart would be in my throat, my chest would feel tight, and I just wanted it to be over.

Part of it, I think, was nerves over being diagnosed with some sort of horrible condition. And part of it was probably that I was afraid of being told that I was fat and unhealthy--but even after starting Weight Watchers and totally changing my lifestyle, even after having that to bolster myself in case a doctor started lecturing me--even then, I was still so nervous. I think it was just the unknown, and the lack of communication, and the sense that the doctor's office was like a whole other world.

And now I'm part of that world, but at the same time I am still basically healthy, managing my lifestyle, making good choices, dealing with my condition, and not at all debilitated. I understand doctor-speak a bit more, although I still get a bit thrown when one of them whips out his tape recorder to dictate something in shorthand right in front of me. I know how to get the most out of my visits to the doctor, I'm not afraid to ask questions, and I really feel like the management of my health is a joint endeavor between my doctors and me.

Part of that, of course, is that I am lucky to have great health insurance and to have found excellent doctors who take the time to talk with me and make sure I understand what's going on with my own health, who answer my questions and genuinely seek my input into decisions about my health. But part of it is just the normalizing of something that used to seem unusual to me. I'm used to the doctor's office, I'm used to checking in and filling out forms and I always know what my copay will be. I have my Kindle, which is great for waiting rooms, and by now I'm so used to having blood drawn that I can even look at the needle as it goes in without wincing.

I thought about all this as my blood pressure was being taken the other day, and so I wasn't surprised to hear that it was normal, not just because I'm not under nearly as much stress this year as I was at this time last year, but also because I have my blood pressure tested all the time, and I've been tested for a million things, and I'm aware of my own health status. It feels like I've always felt like that. I can't even believe that only a year ago, doctors still scared me. Things have changed so much since then. I feel so much more in control.