Monday, July 28, 2008

Bad things, good people

When I was growing up I always noticed that there were a few adult couples I knew--mostly friends of my parents or parents of my friends--where one person (usually the woman) was super, super nice and friendly and generous, and the other person was, to put it simply, a raging asshole.

I always kind of wondered--why is it that this amazing, incredible person is married to such a jerk? What did she do to deserve him? Why does she put up with him? Shouldn't she be with someone who at least comes close to being as nice as she is?

And the conclusion I came to is that arrogant, selfish assholes need to be with really nice people. The only type of person who will take that kind of shit is the kind of selfless, giving person who always sees the good in others and is willing to smile and look past the crap that gets flung at them on a daily basis.

Still, it is so hard to watch when someone you really care about, someone who is just a truly, genuinely nice and fantastic person, someone who is a great friend--it's just hard to see when someone else treats them like shit. And it kills me when someone who deserves only the best, who deserves only people feting her and being nice to her and pampering her, because she is sweet and wonderful and a joy to be around, gets hurt by someone who should consider themselves lucky just to have that kind of friend to begin with.

And it's so hard when an amazing person like that comes to you, crying and feeling terrible and wondering what is wrong with them, that someone would treat them like such shit. And you know that nothing is wrong with them, you know that the fault doesn't lie with them, and you do everything in your power to convince them that this isn't their fault. But you know that they can't really take your words to heart, because the sting of the other person's actions resonates with them the way that kind words from a third party just can't.

It drives me crazy. And it always seems to happen to the nicest people, the ones who would never dream of doing such things to other people, and who thus just cannot comprehend why anyone would do such things to them.

That, above all else, gives me a feeling of utter impotence that makes me completely enraged.

Does this happen to you? What situations make you feel like your hands are tied?

36 comments:

  1. Sometimes (all the time) i wish it were socially norm for me to ritualistically beat people over the head or take out their knees with a baseball bat.

    (does that make me the asshole?)

    ReplyDelete
  2. It happened to me! The guy I dated before my husband was awful. He didn't start that way, but the months after I met him were pure hell. I cried all the time and often wondered what was wrong with me that someone could so carelessly treat me the way he did. It messed me up for a very long time. The last straw was when he went to a strip club and came back and listed out all the things that were wrong with ME becuase I didn't have a stripers body- well excuse me I don't spend FIVE hours a day dancing and girating everywhere ... if I did, maybe I would have. Some men are just .... awful. Really awful people

    ReplyDelete
  3. One of my good friends is one of those amazingly wonderful people who married the raging jerk. He made her cry when we played games, belittled her in front of everyone, and was basically difficult and unpleasant. Bart joked that we should have them over more often because every time they left I would say "I'm so glad you're not a jerk. I just love you so so so so much."

    Fortunately, this guy has calmed way down since they had a kid. I hope it all works out for them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ugh. It's always hard to be in the situation where you have to try to explain that the good person is not at fault. I guess the best you can do is repeat and repeat and hope that someday they believe you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hate this situation... When I was a server there were a couple of girls that just dated complete jerks. And I think some of them LIKED the drama and others just didn't see what everyone else saw.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's all too common. I used to be that girl, actually. The nice one dating the raging asshole. But that was because in my own way it served me to date someone like that. There was a dysfunctional need to fix him and so it wasn't just his fault. I didn't make him an asshole of course but him being an asshole played into my own stuff.

    Thank god that is over.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think it's because you're such an empathetic, caring and understanding person that you've taken this situation to heart. I'm sure your friend knows you care about her, and she believes you when she tells you it isn't her fault. Unlike the commenter above, I doubt she feeds on the drama or just doesn't see what everyone else sees; she sounds like she just loves with her whole heart and wants to see the good in everyone. Maybe she's just found that people aren't inherently good like she'd hoped. I can tell that you're a wonderful friend to her, though. She's lucky to have you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. There are several people who I wish i could run up to and scream "YOU'RE WITH THE WRONG PERSON!" And then run away without them hating me :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I headed over your way from Rad Fanny and when reading this post had to comment. I grew up in this situation. My mother is the most giving, generous, lovely person and my father is an asshat! And I watch him just be cruel to her and it breaks my heart. I know exactly what you speak of...it is not an easy road.

    ReplyDelete
  10. That's a tough one. On one hand, in order to help your friend to understand she is not at fault you would have to be blantantly honest and tell her exactly what you think of the jerk. On the other hand, if you are that honest with her and she doesn't like it, you could lose a friend. My BFF married a jerk and I never shared my feelings until AFTER the divorce, and I haven't stopped sharing them since, yet she still (after 8 years) makes excuses for him and wants to fix him. Not going to happen!

    ReplyDelete
  11. How sad. :(
    I know some couples like that too, some seem to make it work. Some seem miserable.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey Jess,
    My name is Rose and I'm an eighteen year old from the other Washington, (Seattle to be specific), who has recently discovered the joy of reading blogs from articulate people such as yourself. I found it actually on a search for German in-laws... I have a german boyfriend, and may be meeting the family next spring. :)

    I think we all feel that way at some point! Both my mother and my stepmother share the same traits of kindness, generosity, compassion, intelligence... and a terrible taste in men! :P

    By the way, love your pictures, and am adding you as a contact on flickr if okay.

    Thanks for your ponderings, best of luck with the wedding preperations!

    ReplyDelete
  13. EVERY guy before my husband was like this and led me to have SUCH poor self esteem. But, if you have poor self esteem to begin with, then you think you DESERVE only the dregs. It's a vicious cycle.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I suspect there's some context here that led you to write this today. Whoever the context is, I hope she/he gets through this OK.

    I guess those relationships fall under the same "opposites attract" kind of umbrella as when a quiet person is drawn to a more gregarious one? That's usually not a dysfunctional pairing, though.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Um, HELLO! Is this about ME? Heh.

    In defense of the assholes, I will say that many of us "nice people" knowingly choose them for a variety of inadvisable and messed up reasons.

    Still. It is common. Don't I know it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hands tied, mouth gagged, helpless as hell.

    I have two friends like this, and both of them would come crying about how horrible they must be, etc, and if I said anything against the spouse, it was always, "Oh, he can't help it, that's just the way it is."

    Good news, one finally said "enough" and dumped the jerk, the other said "enough" and made her jerk get some help.

    ReplyDelete
  17. There's really nothing worse than having your hands tied when you see someone that needs help. I know I've been the person who needs help more than once, it's rough. Sometimes the nice person with the asshole has his/her reasons for staying, even if the reasons are ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  18. My MIL and FIL are exactly like this, although she is the aggressive, mean one, while he is sweet as pie.

    I finally had to decide that if it works for them, who am I to judge?

    I am eternally grateful that my husband takes after his father, because I wouldn't put up with being treated like that. The hard part is that my MIL sometimes treats me poorly, but it's water I have to navigate very carefully since I have to live with her for the rest of my life. We're slowly getting there.

    ReplyDelete
  19. oh man. yes, i totally know this situation, and i HATE it because there's so little you can do. you can be there for the friend, but you can't fix the situation.. and like you said, you can't REALLY convince them it's not their fault. HATE HATE HATE.

    like each of the two... it makes me want to attack people sometimes :-P

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've seen this a million times in my life and in fact have had a best friend break up over it. She had a controlling insane boyfriend and I couldn't stand to be around them. And she dumped me for it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. My hands feel tied when a woman says, "Well, but I married him for better or for worse..." about something so bad, it violates the marriage contract. Like, her husband is horrible to her and says she's fat and ugly, or says he hates her, or stays out all night at strip clubs.

    My hands also feel tied when a woman says, "Well, he IS the father of my children..." about getting back together romantically with a raging asshole. She may think that excuse makes sense, but it doesn't.

    ReplyDelete
  22. My best friend Richelle used to have a boyfriend like that. He was the WORST person for her to date, but she dated him anyway. My other friends and I complained all we could, but nothing changed. Finally, she realized she deserved better.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I never know how to handle this situation, because the loving person is so, well... loving, that they don't want to do anything too drastic :(

    ReplyDelete
  24. Of course, this isn't the situation for every case, but sure sounds like abuse.

    The "super nice" person is really (emotionally, spiritually, financially, if not physically) battered, and their self confidence and self worth -- as well as their power -- is shot by the abuser. It certainly isn't the fault of the "super nice" person, but being "super nice" sounds an awful lot like being a pleaser (especially if it keeps the peace) - often the result of the sophisticated, all-encompassing control the abuser has forced over the abusee.

    I think the best thing to do when you think your hands are tied is make it very, very clear that they should get help -- that they deserve help -- and be willing to offer your support in whatever form it may be needed.

    ReplyDelete
  25. i have felt this way before, but i also have a really hard time with yucky relationships because i make it a policy to keep my negative opinions about friends spouses/significant others to myself because i personally hate having to deal with the awkwardness of a person staying with the slimeball after you have voiced your opinion on him/her (even though the nice friend solicited the opinion) so i think it is just best if i try to be supportive, because the nice friend can pretend to be clueless, but on some level, they have to know that they are with a suckbag.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I will never understand how other people's relationships work. What seems to obvious to me is not to others. But I've also learned that it's nearly impossible to intervene and "help". Sometimes it's best just to say "I'm here if you need me for something" and leave it at that.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ew. This is terrible and very true. I know. I think very nice people are also very vulnerable. Unfortunately but true. I wish we could all band together to protect the nice people.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I didn't marry a raging asshole - sometimes I wish I did. It's more obvious than the super super nice guy who just ignores you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yeah this is a sad but true case too many times. I hate watching my friends be disrespected, but I hate more biting my tongue so I don't piss off asshole husband or bitch wife. I only say once that they should not stand for that and then I have to back off otherwise they'll end up hating me for getting in the way. It's a lose/lose situation.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I hate when I feel stuck. That used to happen to me at my old job a lot-- torn between two sides.

    ReplyDelete
  31. This does happen to me, except I'm the nice person and it seems to be my mother who craps all over me. I've come to the realization it really is her and not me and try to have as little to do with her as possible. She said to me the other day when I was telling her about my fabulous trip to BlogHer and how much fun I had, "I'm surprised you even had five people talk to you, I didn't know you were capable of having so many friends." Yeah, that kind of arrogance speaks for itself, I think!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I think opposites attract. A lot of people who know me in real life think my husband is an asshole and truthfully he can be...but he's also an amazing and wonderful person. And (I guess) sometimes I can be an asshole too, although not as often.

    I have nothing really to add except that some of us that are married to assholes are still surprisingly happy. That doesn't sound right but it doesn't make it any less true.

    Of course, if you're talking about a "he beats me up" kind of asshole all bets are off and I will help you go after him with a baseball bat. Say the word, chica.

    ReplyDelete
  33. It's definitely difficult to watch a kind person be taken advantage of by a jerky guy. I think, like many other commenters, that it depends on the KIND of jerky he is.

    Is he just difficult to be around and needy? Well, he may have redeeming qualities and / or she might like to feel "needed" that way.

    If he's emotionally or physically abusive, on the other hand, that's a different story. In that case her willingness to take the blame on herself may come from lack of self-worth.

    I don't have any easy solutions for you, but it's definitely a tricky subject.

    ReplyDelete
  34. ohhh i know what you mean. i observe this all the time. i think when some is so down on themselves because of what others say or do, it's my role to help them focus on what's amazing about them. simple, but it tends to work every time!

    ReplyDelete
  35. this is so true. my parents are the perfect example(not that i dont love them both dearly). But my mom is so genuine, loving, compassionate, etc.. and my dad is pretty much an asshole. I know so many relationships like that and you're right it is really sad.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Oh my God, SO well put. I feel like I am that person sometimes (the too nice one). Thanks for putting it into perspective . . . that I'm NOT a horrible person for them to be mean to me, they're just assholes!!

    ReplyDelete