So, part of this whole marrying a German guy thing means that one of my goals is to learn German reasonably well sometime over the next couple of years. Or at least, a year ago when we got engaged, that was one of my goals. I bought a fancy CD-ROM German course and a couple of books about raising bilingual kids and set to work.
And then Torsten's parents came to visit. And they are very nice. Truly, they are. But they are also... well, kind of high maintenance. They are wary of me, or at least they were at first. And I know they weren't thrilled about our engagement, not because of me personally but because I'm American and represent permanent distance between themselves and their son. So while they are very nice, and great parents, and raised their son to be the most amazing and wonderful man I could ever imagine... they're difficult.
And then we went to visit them in Germany a couple months later. It was our first visit. It was challenging and stressful. But the one thing that made it easier for me was that we hardly speak the same language. Yes, sometimes it was frustrating that when Torsten wasn't there, we couldn't have a real conversation. But other times? Everyone was sitting around having a conversation? And I didn't have to be on edge. I didn't have to be worried about following along and being ready to provide a witty, clever response or interjection on a moment's notice. I didn't have to use all my energy presenting a charming facade and generally making sure that I never allowed a doubt in their mind about how happy their son will be spending his life with me.
In short, I could tune out, and there were no expectations. And it was great. And it's making me really reluctant to start learning German, because then there will be expectations? And I'm really not sure I want to deal with those.
Plus, I hear that mothers-in-law can often be very opinionated when it comes to how you're raising your kids? And it can be the most frustrating thing ever? And can I just say, if my mother-in-law is going to disapprove of my parenting methods, and say so out loud? It will probably be good for everyone's sanity and general family relations if I don't understand what she's saying.
I can picture it now: I allow our toddler to eat something he picked up off the ground. Torsten's mother lets loose with a string of horrified, scolding German. I say to Torsten, "What did she say?" And he says, with great diplomatic sense, "She just thinks that Torsten Jr. is SO CUTE. She says he looks just like you!"
Plus? The whole raising kids bilingual thing? It sounds like the optimal strategy is for each parent to speak their native language to the kids as much as possible. Which means that while it would be helpful for me to understand German, it won't be necessary for me to actually speak it. And I already kind of understand German. I can usually follow the generalities of a conversation and at least pick up on the gist of what's being said.
The reason for that is because I am intimately familiar with Torsten's life, and a lot of German words sound similar to their English counterparts, so as soon as I recognize a couple of words I figure out what he's talking about. I don't think I would be nearly as good at understanding a complete stranger's conversation.
But STILL. It's good enough for me. In exchange for peace of mind when it comes to a volatile in-law relationship? I'm starting to think I'm better off in the dark.
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Ha! So Funny. I wouldn't throw out learning to speak German quite yet. There might be other advantageous reasons for you getting your Germ on - and your inlaws never have to to know how well you can speak it! If you can speak a little, it might make them watch their mouths around you. And you can always act like you don't understand when they are criticizing you or you want to zone out.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a really personal thing. I have a friend whose husband's native language is Spanish. Their children are bilingual in a house where she doesn't speak Spanish. And it's an amazingly loving house. I have another friend whose parents are both bilingual. Again, a loving household. I think you can make it work with your husband, future children and future in-laws, regardless of whether you speak German or not.
ReplyDeleteHow cool to be able to speak two languages so easy because you learned them from birth! Will be a lucky baby! :)
ReplyDeleteI think you should learn German, but then pretend you don't understand whenever your in-laws say anything you don't like.
ReplyDeletehey:) i know you and love you? but you're developing a nasty habit of ending statement sentences with question marks and its starting to drive me batty.
ReplyDeleteMy next door neighbor is british and her husband is brazilian. Her child (3 yrs old) speaks portugase and english and understands both. The mom always talks to her in english; the dad in portugase.
ReplyDeleteSo you don't necessarily need to know German to raise a bilingual kid.
Plus, mom not speaking German gives the kids an extra incentive to learn it!
ReplyDeleteI think you're on to something here. Why mess up something that's going kind of well?
There are times when I would LOVE not to be able to speak to my mother-in-law. As long as you understand, I'd say you're set.
ReplyDeleteIt is very personal. Obviously my kid is growing up bi-lingual (as did I) but we live in Iceland, my husband and I speak danish at home- but I always speak Icelandic to the boy and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wish I couldn't understand what my MIL says... but thankfully I live in a different country and usually fob phone conversations off onto the hubby.
So ... MIL's can be dealt with :)
I would love to learn another language, but my brain refuses to hang on to important things like nouns, verbs, and which ones to use where.
ReplyDeleteGerman always sounded so gutteral when I first heard it, but after being there for a week and hearing it even more, I found the melody and discovered I like it.
I agree that it should be up to you- duh, it's your life. But I really think it's a personal choice. You don't have to learn German if you don't want to, but I do like the idea of raising your kdis to be bilingual. And when they get older you could also add a little French into the mix. :)
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't give up on your German lessons just yet. Being bi-lingual is a great thing. You will have the ability to have conversations with Torsten and your future kids that no one else can understand (in the US). That's always a plus.
ReplyDeleteOnce you learn German, I doubt they would expect you to be witty and funny (especially at first). And won't it be great to be able to sit around the table and hear stories about Torsten as a kid that he won't have to translate?
And learning German may really impress his difficult parents. When my parents first got together, my mom's family wasn't fond of my dad because he was taking their daughter away. Now they love him to death and really appreciate his effort to keep improving his German.
You could learn it on the sly and not tell future MIL. Then when she says something she thinks you won't be able to understand you can let it fly. No? Well, it might be fun to learn a little and if I have children I always thought it would be neat if they were bilingual. Its a very personal decision though.
ReplyDeleteMy dad never really spoke the language but he DID understand quite a bit.. and of course, opted out of the "understanding" based on the topic, whether he was interested, and who was talking.
ReplyDeleteAnd yep, both my brother and I are bilingual -although my brother had some major issues as a kid w/the language barrier and thereafter sorta stopped speaking it all togehter.
Either way, I totally see your point and so long as you pick some of it up for understanding - that's all that matters. :) And I only mean that for your future kids.
I guess I'm coming from a different viewpoint.
ReplyDeleteMy dad's Israeli, and his family is intensely Israeli. They've made no attempts to really adapt to the "American" lifestyle - think "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." One of the biggest problems for my mother was that whenever she did something that his parents disapproved of, she knew she was being talked about. Because she wasn't Israeli or didn't speak the language, she wasn't truly accepted into the family.
It's the same for another of my uncles, and two of my cousins who married non-Hebrew speaking people. While they're accepted, they're not as adored as the third cousin's wife who happens to be Israeli as well and speaks Hebrew and lets our family dictate how she raises her children. There's a certain barrier there, and it makes it difficult for me as a daughter of an Israeli and a non-Israeli because I have to listen to them put down my mom and the American-born extensions because we haven't adopted the Israeli attitude.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while not knowing German will take some pressure off, there may also be the pressure of never being fully accepted into the family and that can drive a huge stake between you and Torsten depending on how intense his parents might be. Granted, if they're across the ocean, then it's prodbably easier than people who are only ten minutes away.
Just a few thoughts.
My dad is French and my mom is American. Sadly, my parents didn't teach us French so my sister and I only kind of understand it and don't really speak it. They have always regretted that they didn't try harder to teach it to us. If Torsten teaches it to your kids, you're bound to pick up enough of it to get around, even if you don't choose to share that information with your in-laws!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a plan: learn enough to understand, then keep mum that you know what they're talking about and you won't have to learn to speak it too!
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you feel. My boyfriend is hispanic, and his mother speaks only Spanish, and even though I would love to learn Spanish and know I need to for when we have kids (he wouldn't even consider not speaking Spanish to his kids, understandably) part of me REALLY enjoys only saying "hi" and "bye" to his mom. There is absolutely no pressure, no fighting, no anything and it is wonderful. I feel ya.
ReplyDeleteOy. That sounds like such a headache. I can understand the not wanting to learn German thing, I dont' think I would either.
ReplyDeletei like Ms R's idea... do learn german, just don't tell your MIL you learned german ;-)
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I love the bit about Torsten Jr. Maybe it would be a good thing to understand what she's telling your kids? Not like she'd badmouth you or anything... just, yeah.
ReplyDeleteI would be much happier if I couldn't understand a word my MIL said.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough language to learn....still, I can imagine it to be interesting raising a child bi-lingual and one person not really understanding what the other is talking about to the child.
ReplyDeleteJust saying. Avoiding to learn German won't help you avoid the in-laws in the long run anyway...I am sure you guys will find a way to get along great....
And who's to say that one day, out of whatever reason, you don't have to move to Germany for a few years for a job....one never knows.
Like, what if another Bush gets elected?
Ha! I think your in-law strategy sounds wise.
ReplyDeleteBut, I also think that you learning German sends a powerful message that you're committed to Torsten (obvi), their family and his culture, which overshadows any "easy outs" that not being able to communicate might provide.
I'm in the "I think you should learn enough German so you can understand but not necessarily converse" camp. Plus, what fun to be in a bilingual home!
ReplyDeleteDo you know what? I think you are completely RIGHT. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it seems totally clear now. And now I wish I'd had the sense to marry a man with a mother who didn't speak English.
ReplyDeleteI wish that my parents had taught me to speak italian. By the time I was old enough to talk all of my Italian only speaking relatives were dead, but it'd be really awesome now to say I could. you could always learn german and not tell your MIL.
ReplyDeleteThere have been many times when I've wished I could plead ignorance to something my MIL thought was ok to say outloud! Every time she talks, actually. We don't really speak the same language and it's all English...
ReplyDeleteBut think how romantic it would be to be able to speak a little German with Torsten? I LOVE it when Adam tries to have a French conversation with me. I melt.
There have been many times when I've wished I could plead ignorance to something my MIL thought was ok to say outloud! Every time she talks, actually. We don't really speak the same language and it's all English...
ReplyDeleteBut think how romantic it would be to be able to speak a little German with Torsten? I LOVE it when Adam tries to have a French conversation with me. I melt.
(I don't know who I just signed in as above! Whoops!)
Now don't you already know how to speak French? I mean think about it...how cool would it be to be tri-lingual instead of bi-lingual :)
ReplyDeleteHaha... very insightful, my dear. The forced distance may be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, while my mom only speaks English, my dad's first language is French, though he speaks English fluently, and we have done just fine!! ;) I am reasonably bilingual without my mom speaking an iota of French.
This is a really interesting dilemma to me. I definitely see where you're coming from. You're probably going to learn more German than you intend, no matter what, just given that half your collective family will be German.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what, I *really* hope that your MIL doesn't end up being judgemental about your child-rearing. It seems like that becomes an conflict in many families, and it can be so incredibly hurtful.
Dude. You are so right about this.
ReplyDelete(But I would learn to speak it in secret. Always good to know something others don't.)
I agree with SLynnRo. Learn and don't tell. Although if you heard something hurtful, that would sort of suck.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Ignorance is bliss.
I think you're on to something. I'm sure the only reason why I never argued with my MIL is because we didn't speak the same language.
ReplyDeletei never would have thought of it that way! it would be pretty sweet if my MIL and i couldn't communicate!
ReplyDeleteThe best weapon against a belligerent in-law is the ability to shut up in their own language. That practicality aside, German is a GREAT language and a ton of fun. You should check out the programs at the Goethe Institut over on 7th and H Streets NW. They've got some good language programs.
ReplyDeleteWhoops. That should have said, "...the ability to tell them to shut up in their own language." Sorry 'bout that!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd wonder is whether you'd earn any points with the inlaws for learning German- and if that might help grease the wheels of your relationship with them. But it sounds like your second visit went much better, so maybe that's less of a concern now.
ReplyDelete(Oh, and you'll definitely want to know enough to at least mostly understand your kids when they're teenagers and try to give you lip in German- so you can punish them in whichever language you choose!)
Yes German is not the prettiest language but it's still fun. I was a German major in college. I have worksheets that I can send you!
ReplyDeleteI was in German Saturday School when I was a kid. For four years I gave up the best cartoon-watching hours of my life...I don't think I learned as much as my parents had hoped but I did retain a little bit. When I spent a week in Germany several years ago, I was surprised how much I remembered and how much sounded familiar. Mr. J. and I have decided that we'd like the LG to learn another language and guess which one he voted for? I need to crack open my textbooks! Which CD-R system did you get, may I ask?
ReplyDeleteGerman is quite an easy language to learn because it is so similar to English. I learnt German at A-Level and have just started to learn Italian, another language that I'm hoping to become fluent in as I holiday there quite a lot.
ReplyDelete