Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Third time is apparently not the charm.

Well, the time has come. I had to cave in and add a "flowers" category to my blog. I know I thought I wouldn't. My OCD standards for a blog category require that there be a minimum of five relevant posts before the category can be created. And now--unfortunately--I have reached that minimum with the flowers.

As we all know, my birthday was on Sunday. So Torsten tried to send me flowers, purple ones, to arrive at my office on Monday morning. Yes, he paid extra for guaranteed morning delivery.

I hardly even need to write the rest of this post, right? You all know how it ends, don't you? But I'm going to continue anyway.

First of all, let it be noted that the company from whom he ordered the flowers was a new one, Proflowers, and decidedly not the Company That Shall Not Be Named Lest They Find This Post and Send Me Yet Another Ridiculous Apology Bouquet. And let it also be noted that Proflowers is not at fault here. In fact, they were great. Better than the other two flower companies we have dealt with recently.

Anyway, Torsten ordered beautiful purple flowers, only to discover that they were to be delivered FedEx, which, to be fair, was not made clear on the website when he ordered. So, fine, we can deal with FedEx. But FedEx claimed they attempted to deliver the package at nine yesterday morning and couldn't because the elevator was broken. Except that it wasn't. I called and they were very sorry. They'd try to deliver again. The courier came back. Again, he said the elevator was broken. I called FedEx back. Again, they were very sorry. But there wasn't anything they could do.

I called my office building's package room and asked if the elevator was broken. I was told that it was not, and that even if it were, there were about nine other ways for delivery people to get into the building. Furthermore, I was told, FedEx had already showed up that morning and delivered a bunch of packages. Mine, of course, was not among them.

I called FedEx back. They were very sorry. They called the local facility, told them that the elevator wasn't broken, and requested that the package be sent out that afternoon. It wasn't. Of course it wasn't. So I called FedEx back. You might be noticing a pattern here, but they were very sorry.

But the thing that really pissed me off? They didn't offer a solution. They didn't say the driver could call me from down at the bottom of the supposedly broken elevator so I could come down and meet him. In fact, their drivers don't have phones. They couldn't guarantee that the package would be delivered. If I wanted to be sure I would get the package, I'd have to conjure up a car and drive way out to the middle of nowhere to their warehouse and pick it up myself. Which, I informed them, was not exactly how I intended to spend my birthday night.

Okay, I fudged the date a little. But they were my damn birthday flowers and no way in hell was I going to use good Zipcar money and hours of my time going to pick them up. And this was where it got frustrating. They just did not have a solution. They had no response. They understood that I could not come pick up the package myself, and--again!--they were very sorry. But they could not guarantee that my package would arrive. And they had no alternative proposal for how to get it to me.

It's amazing, isn't it? I work in a normal office building in downtown DC and the premiere worldwide delivery company, the one that people trust with irreplaceable, confidential, time-sensitive documents, can't even get me a simple package of flowers? After four phone calls? And they don't seem to care? I wonder how many private landfills they have filled with people's packages that just never got delivered because of some inane technical snafu.

And what really gets me is that this is ALL they do. They have a single service that they provide, and they can't even do that correctly. This is not the first time they have messed things up for me. My passport (not to mention my birth certificate and other important papers) sat in their warehouse for a month and nobody knew where it was--and when I finally found out about the situation, they tried to CHARGE ME MONEY to fix it.

And they once inexplicably delivered a package of mine to a building down the street--and the amazing thing was that once I figured out how it happened, and I figured it out myself without any help from them, they still REFUSED TO HELP. They claimed they would go back, pick it up from the wrong place, and deliver it to me. BUT THEY DIDN'T. And they didn't bother to tell me they weren't going to, either. Instead, I had to find the other place and pick the package up from them myself.

It is just mind-boggling to me that FedEx gets away with this kind of behavior given the nature of a lot of the items that they are charged with delivering safely. If anyone is interested in some sort of class-action lawsuit, or at least an expedition to find the Graveyard of Lost FedEx Packages, let me know and we'll see if we can build a coalition.

Anyway, luckily Proflowers was a lot more accommodating than FedEx was. Not only did they issue a full refund, but they also ordered a replacement bouquet to be sent. Plus the original bouquet, if it hasn't died from overheating in the FedEx warehouse overnight, is still theoretically scheduled to show up. Of course, nothing has arrived yet. But still. A replacement AND a refund? THAT is good service. FedEx should take a cue from them.

56 comments:

  1. Maybe this is the universe's way of saying that you deserve lots and lots of flowers?

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  2. Maybe flowers just aren't your thing. Has Torsten ever considered sending you candy? Or lacy underthings? Both come in purple, last I checked! :-)

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  3. this is not funny. i'm trying really hard not to laugh. but OH MY GOODNESS, poor torsten. the man is trying SO HARD to surprise you with some purple flowers! this is beyond insane that no matter who you order with, and no matter how they're sent, they don't show up...

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  4. I think that maybe its time to actually call a local florist and get real 'hometown' service instead of an internet florist!! You deserve to get good flowers on your birthday/whenever - without having to call everyone involved to track them down! Good luck!

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  5. sadly, i think you have the worst luck with flowers than anyone i have ever known. maybe have torsten send one of those edible bouquets next time? you know with all the strawberries and other great fruit. mmmm ;)

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  6. For the love. I had an optimistic thought that maybe this post was about wedding flowers, but no! Another botched delivery! Your persistence is admirable.

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  7. This is insane! I'm glad that Proflowers worked it out for you though.

    I have many issues with Fedex - I find them to be extremely unreliable.

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  8. I have never heard of such flower bad luck. Never! I'm surprised Torsten evene tried again. After the first debacle, a lesser man would have thrown in the towel!

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  9. Wow... I've never heard of anyone having such issues with flowers!! And thumbs down to FedEX for sucking big time. That's crazy that they have such horrible customer service!

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  10. Wow, flowers are just not a good gift idea for you are they? Wow.

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  11. Wow, this is just so ridiculous, I can't even believe it? I think next time, Torsten is going to have to grow his own flowers and personally deliver them, because no one else seems capable of making it happen.

    Just. . .weird. And annoying.

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  12. Okay, I hate to play devil's advocate here, but why doesn't Torsten make nice with a local florist in/near your neighborhood and just order from them? Or what about Caruso's? (Although in their case, they basically own the corporate/office building account in this city, which makes them indifferent to the little guy's/gal's floral needs.) My vote is, find a local, neighborhood florist and start using them.

    As for FedEx: Idiots. Their customer service completely sucks. As for a broken elevator, yeah, right. Whatever. Know what I think? I think the delivery person absconded with your flowers and delivered them to his/her SO.

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  13. FedEx's incompetence drives me INSANE. They were holding a package for me a few weeks ago which they claimed they tried to deliver 3 times, only "somehow" the driver only left me one delivery slip, for the final attempt. Sounds suspicious, right? I had to call like 6 times to get them to redeliver to a local UPS store where someone would be there to sign for it (I tried to redirect them to a local FedExKinko's, but they "couldn't find it in the system" -- HA).

    I have to hand it to Torsten though, he is doing his damnedest to do something nice for you! A lesser man might have quit. I think he should switch to singing telegrams.

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  14. I love that Torsten still sends you things!

    The elevator was broken? Was the FedEx guy incapacited in a manner that would prohibit him from climbing the stairs???

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  15. I think maybe it's time to stop trying to have purple flowers delivered. It's too stressful.

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  16. Delivery companies are always messing things up. I've never had a problem with FedEx, but I've had issues with DHL and UPS. Even though DHL still delivered my package to me after customer service said they wouldn't.

    Man, you guys have no luck with flowers. Maybe he should try other cute purple items next time. =)

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  17. Umm, really, maybe Torsten should consider just picking flowers up and delivering them to you himself? I know that doesn't help with the idiots at FedEx, but it might prevent many future tears.

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  18. I vote no more purple flowers.

    Also, I vote stay away from flowers at your wedding. With your flower luck, they'll show up after everything's started.

    I'm with the others. Purple underthings? Shoes? Candy? Animals? Etc.

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  19. That stressed me out just reading about it. I can't believe FedEx was so ridiculous. Maybe they'll find this post and send you some kind of consolation package?

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  20. This is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously.

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  21. It's almost comical at this point. I'm thinking Torsten should just come into your work with flowers and skip the whole middle man. ;)

    Fed Ex, UPS, etc. they all don't seem that efficient. I've been trying to get stuff held but they keep delivering it even though I TOLD them I won't be there. Maybe they are all robots that work there?!

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  22. Good Lord. Torsten should try sending you something that is the opposite of flowers to see if you/he have any better luck. Poor Jess. All I'm saying is you better keep a close eye on the florist for your wedding!

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  23. Wow, your bad luck with flowers is like my bad luck with airline travel. At least the flower company was good about it. I hope you get your pretty purple flowers soon!

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  24. ohhhh you and your flowers! wow. fedex really kinda sucks. how rude!!! my most recent ex actually worked for them- loading and unloading- and from what he told me, they might as well toss your pkg around like a ftball, use it for a kickball etc. his job was a slacker job and didn't get paid much. so it's no surprise to hear all they will do is say they're 'sorry' and do nothing else. Personally, I use UPS :)

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  25. Oh my goodness! FedEX is really sucking it up, aren't they?!
    Sorry about the flowers - again. sheesh

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  26. FedEx? FedSucks, they lost a personal and handmade piece of artwork I made, they refunded me the money I said it was worth, but still, IT WAS AN ORIGINAL.

    Never again Effed Ex, never again.

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  27. Good grief! You cannot catch a break with getting your flowers when you want them, can you?

    So sorry that FedEx sucks!

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  28. I had a very similar problem with FedEx this past Christmas when they COULDN'T FIND MY HOUSE FOR EIGHT DAYS, despite my calling and providing EXPLICIT DIRECTIONS. They find my house for other things, but apparently not for photo calendar gifts that I ordered in PLENTY OF TIME to get them wrapped and shipped out again to the recipients. Everyone got their gifts LATE because of FedEx. I will NEVER voluntarily use them again.

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  29. Oh, my gosh. That's crazy. I agree with dreamgrrl... try a mom & pop shop, or hire a messenger service or something. Man, you'd think that people whose business it is to deliver flowers could manage to, you know, deliver flowers.

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  30. What a hassle! Maybe next time Torsten can buy them and deliver them HIMSELF, thus ensuring quality service. Poor guy!

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  31. I'm sure the stairs in your building were broken too. ;)

    Dealing with FedEx is so obnoxious, I try to avoid it whenever possible.

    Yay for Proflowers though. And triple yay for Torsten for choosing gorgeous purple flowers for your birthday!

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  32. Wow. I think poor Torsten should just forgo the whole flowers thing. Or bring them to your office himself, or something, and leave them at the front desk for you. Cuz this is getting ridiculous. Makes for a great story though! hahaha...

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  33. Wow! You sure have lots of history with flowers and them not even being delivered! Crazy! And I agree with others, maybe you guys should consider a hometown florist. I know that they usually deliver!

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  34. Wow. That's amazing that they can fowl up so fantastically and all they have to do is take packages to the address written on the package. And 4 times??? What's wrong with these people??? Poor Torsten. Just no luck with flowers. Probably best to buy them from a store himself and bring it to you. This way they would MOST DEFINITELY find their way at your doorstep. FedEx sucks.

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  35. gaaahhhh i felt frustrated just reading this! i want to rip my hair out. or fedex's hair.

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  36. Seriously. This is getting out of hand with you guys! Sheesh!
    When we lived in a tiny town in WA, FedEx told us they couldn't find out street. Oh yeah? Well I WATCHED you drive right by our street, FedEx! And Google Earth could find our street. GOOGLE EARTH!

    On the other hand...there was that little based-on-a-true-story movie...something about Tom Hanks and being stranded on an island for years with a volleyball...it makes me wonder how many other FedEx employees have been....dispatched to deserted islands....

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  37. I would give up on .com flowers at this point. :) Torsten should just buy some from a street vendor and give a bike messenger a $20 to deliver them right to your door. I guarantee in downtown DC that this would get them there. (Unless the messenger got run over... which is a possibility with your floral luck...lol).

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  38. God, that is infuriating. FedEx is so terrible! And now that they have teamed up with the OTHER worst service in America, Kinkos, you can get double the useless, solution-less, sour employees under one roof!

    ARGH. Here's hoping you end up with double the flowers!

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  39. Oh. FedEx. Yeah. FedEx and I are not friends. I'm so sorry you fell victim to their suckage.

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  40. FedEx and UPS are **both** evil!

    I swear FedEx used to camp outside my old building and wait until I ran down the street for 3 minutes to buy toilet paper, and then try to deliver my packages.

    Or they would just leave an "attempted delivery" slip without ringing the doorbell when I had been home. All. Day.

    Pure evil. I am totally down for joining your angry mob. I'll bring torches!!

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  41. Maybe Torsten should start sending you candy.....or hand delivering the flowers. ;)

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  42. I love that you used the word 'snafu'. It makes me want to give you a hug.

    Also, I will definitely join your fuck FedEx club. They can never find my house, EVER.

    And I have a theory that their delivery people are just lazy Nintendo-obsessed potheads who, if upon first swing through the general area happen to MISS intended location will just make some lame excuse about broken elevators and then go home to MarioKart. FUCKERS.

    And I have to agree with nilsa s, maybe flowers are not destined for your office desk.

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  43. wow. i'm gonna agree with everyone else here and suggest he uses a local flower shop from now on.

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  44. I love how you have criteria on creating a new category :D

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  45. I hope FedEx finds this post, takes a cue from Company Not To Be Named, and attempts to make it up to you!

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  46. So glad I never had to use FedEx.

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  47. I nearly had a seizure just reading this. How INSANELY stressful, I would have gone Postal on them myself.

    UPS is the ONLY way to go.

    It reminds me of the hot Black guy that would deliver our office UPS packages and say with a smile "What can Brown do for you Baby?".... :)

    He was funny.

    Jamie

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  48. Are you sure Torsten isn't just doing all this to mess with you? You know--set up a really good story for the wedding toast or something? No. Probably not, huh? Still... the luck (or lack thereof) you have with flowers... It's unreal.

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  49. Man, you have the most interesting flower stories. Flowers definitely deserves its own category on your blog. Maybe candy?

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  50. You are like the flower Bermuda triangle or something.

    I've had similar, recent problems with FedEx not delivering and wonder if they've changed their service tune or what.

    Sorry about the lack of flowers (again).

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  51. Wow! He tried to send you flowers again after the last screw up. He's dedicated and loves ya.

    FedEx, I've had my share of missed deliveries. They are unreliable.

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  52. Goodness, you are just not meant to have flowers delivered to you at work. What craziness, I think the solution is Torsten buying the flowers himself and personally taking them to you at work. Poor guy! I feel bad he is trying to hard.

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  53. That you now have a flowers category cracks me up! Kudos to Torsten for continuing to try to send you flowers.

    I'm still going with jewelry. Torsten should just switch to giving jewelry. Although, giftcards to Amazon.com are also nice.

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  54. You know what I think it is with FedEx? They're so damn big they think they don't have to care for their customers. They think "one pissed of customer isn't going to topple our empire". But you know what, you keep an attitude like that and people will get sick of it and FedEx will start seeing their profits drop and UPS will see theirs rise. And because they're stupid FedEx still won't know why. Idiots.

    Okay, at least that's what I hope will happen. I hate stupid FedEx and their stupid clever logo.

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