Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Blog Share: Ten Things

[Ed. note: Today is the day of the big Blog Share, organized by the fabulous -R-. Which means that the below post was written not by me, but by an anonymous blogger. Conversely, my post for today is floating anonymously in the blogosphere. And no, I'm not going to tell you where to look to find it.

But please, read and comment on the below post just like you always do with posts I've written. I am sure that the author would greatly appreciate it.]

Ten things I am, for whatever reason, too embarrassed or scared to publish on my own blog:

1) I never like to discuss money with other people as I worry that they will undoubtedly have more and will look at me like Jethro's poor second cousin from the Arkansas back woods. This irrational fear has propelled me to work ridiculous hours, multiple jobs, and take high-paying jobs I'm not in love with. I'm not so much afraid of poverty as I am of looking poor.

2) I have had a (singular) hemorrhoid for a year now and am too embarrassed to go to the doctor to get it "looked at". C'mon! You would totally be the same way & you know it.

3) I made out with a former classmate at my last class reunion, just for fun. But now, I have another one coming up and I am embarrassed to go as he wasn't that cute and oh yeah, I'm married. Lots of people know this fun fact (obviously not the husband) but I'm really more embarrassed about WHO it was, not that I did it in the first place.

4) I am not am empathetic person, overall. I try, but I'm missing a gene or something. I guess I am in certain situations, but only like 10% of the time. The other 90% is total fakery on my part.

5) I'm strangely and secretly sexually attracted to: Michael Gandolfini (Tony Soprano), The taller Coen brother, Sir Ben Kingsley, Dita Von Teese, Seth Rogan, Jeff Goldblum, David Letterman, Will Arnett, Catherine Keener and Chris Noth.

6) I currently weigh 25 pounds more than what my "max" weight was for years. I am disgusted by myself but have done very little to take it off. I have had to buy new clothes, something I had previously thought was something only "weak" people had to do. Now, I get it. And it sucks. And as vain and narcissistic as I am, I know I need to take care of this or I will hate myself.

7) I judge people very quickly, and I'm rarely, rarely, rarely wrong about the initial ruling. No lie. I'm VERY good at figuring people out within 2.5 seconds of meeting them. Seriously. I have like a 99% success rate here. I may be judgmental, but I can't help it- it's my gift. I am obligated to go forth and spread the word.

8) I have enough information to ruin someone close to me who has done nothing but cause the people I love misery and pain. I could destroy this person's career, social standing and reputation in one fell swoop. But I won't. I have decided that there is one thing this person could do to unleash my wrath, and as long as they stay in bounds I am sitting on what I know. I am neither mean nor vindictive, and the event that would cause me to do this is so completely heinous that this person will deserve not only what I can dish out, but much worse. I really hope it never gets to that. Really. I don't.

9) I like watching the TMZ.com show on TV. And I read People and Us every chance I get. I am convinced I am getting dumber by the second.

10) I feel so guilty about having more time off than anyone else I know that I will regularly lie about what I did during the day to make it seem like I actually got off of the couch and DID something, when the reality is I will spend many days laying around, watching bad cable and shopping online. Once I told my husband that I spent the whole day weeding the yard and planning a future trip, when In actuality I bought 3 pairs of shoes, a dress and 4 books online. Oh, and I went to lunch with a friend and had 3 glasses of wine and spent 2.5 hours gossiping. And I took a 1/2 hour shower. And I spent two hours blogging.
Sounds productive to me...

41 comments:

  1. These posts are SO AWESOME.

    I always feel the need to pretend like I was productive when I'm off, too. Even though I fully support sitting on one's ass. BAH.

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  2. I think this post is great!

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  3. I have to say that I WOULD go to the doctor for a hemorrhoid and I think you should too. Doctors have seen everything. They are the only people I am not embarrassed in front of.

    Also, to Tessie--I love these posts too! And I really want you to read and comment on mine because I so want to hear what you have to say. But I can't tell you which one it is! Oh, the dilemma.

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  4. Did I write this? No, but I could have. Seriously. Whoever wrote this, I wish they would email me. I bet we would be besties.

    Unless we hated each other in 2.5 seconds...but I already like you, from reading this, so only I have to pass the test. You can always sneak at my blog and find out before you email! :)

    No, seriously, EMAIL ME. Especially about point #s 4,7,8,10.

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  5. This is interesting. I didn't go read the rules of this post swap thing, buy why can't you tell us where you posted? Is there a list of participants for us to weed through? I guess I should get off my lazy fingers and look it up.

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  6. Um, wait. I hit publish comment before I realized that sounded dirty. I MEANT lazy fingers ON THE KEYBOARD!!!

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  7. I thought I was the only one with a crush on Seth Rogan AND Jeff Goldblum!

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  8. Awesome post! I totally get number 10, especially when I talk to my mother who has unreasonable expectations for everything. I was once working three jobs, had been to all three in the same day and done two loads of laundry and bathed the dog. Her response? "Is that all?" ARRGHH!

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  9. This is a really fun post!

    I too am oddly attracted to Will Arnett.

    Having been treated for a hemorrhoid during pregnancy (GAAAAH), it's reallt no big deal. Go to your OBGYN for it--they can give you something to shrink it right away.

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  10. 5) Ben Kingsley is sexy for an old dude. Seth Rogan is adorable. I’ve had a crush on him since Freaks & Geeks. Jeff Goldblum has a certain something. Catherine Keener just looks interesting. Chris Noth is HOT.

    6) Been there. It does suck.

    7) That’s where my ability to judge people went! Will you follow me around and tell me who is full of crap and who is genuine? Because I can NEVER TELL.

    9) Oh, yeah. I secretly love that stuff, too.

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  11. Ditto on loving this. And I am so with you on tmz.com TV and US magazine. I don't read People though for some undefined reason.

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  12. Shopping AND blogging, all in one day? Who says you're not productive?

    Back in the 80s I had a totally hot doctor. And a hemmorhoid. I made the appointment, then called and cancelled. There was just no way I was baring my ass for him to see. I was so mortified I was blushing when I made the Call to cancel. Yeeks.

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  13. My husband shares number 7 with you. It's always annoying when it's someone I think I like - but he ALWAYS turns out to be right. Also, I want your life purely for number 10. I would ABOSOLUTELY sit on my ass all day, go to lunch and shop if I could figure out how to get paid doing it.

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  14. There is so much good stuff here that I have already forgotten what I was going to write about. So I will just admit that I read People online every single day but then I act surprised whenever someone mentions a piece of celebrity gossip.

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  15. I, quite literally, ran into Chris Noth in a Starbucks a few years ago.

    He is quite possibly the single sexiest man I have EVER seen up close.

    Mmmm... happy thoughts...

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  16. I think David Letterman is hot, too. Soo embarrassing!

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  17. I so could have written #7, #8 and #10. Especially #10, which sounds a lot like what I plan to do all day today. In fact, I'm typing this in my pj's, and I only plan to get dressed so I can go shopping for things I don't need. And Jeff Goldblum is hot. So is Chris Noth.

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  18. This is really fun.

    1) I get anxious because people think we must be rich if we can afford to have me stay home.

    3) Ha ha! I think I'd go, but laugh it off. Like, "OMG, wasn't that embarrassing!? I can't believe we MADE OUT, can you? I mean, how drunk WERE we?"

    9) I like People and Us Weekly, too. I keep meaning to dump US Weekly because they make stuff up more often, but then they'll run a photo of a celebrity without make-up and I don't dump them after all.

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  19. Thanks for sharing all that. And I'm no psychologist, but I know a little bit about personality traits I would imagine that #4 and #7 are very related to each other.

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  20. Chris Noth? Has had my heart since Sex and the City. Yum.

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  21. Oh man I wish I knew who you were because if I don't already read your blog regularly I want to. You sound like a ton of fun!

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  22. I love these little confessions.

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  23. Actually, my doctor noticed a hemorrhoid at my last appointment, and she seemed wholly unconcerned about it. Unless it's bothering you, I honestly don't think it's a big deal (you know, in my obviously expert medical opinion). If you're the same person who mentioned a possible hemorrhoid in the last blog share, though, then you obviously ARE concerned about it, so you should get it checked out. ;-)

    Also, Seth Rogan is a totally normal crush, if you ask me. As is Catherine Keener.

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  24. I love this idea! What a great way to get stuff off your chest without letting the world know who you are.

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  25. Your secrets are safe (and mostly shared) with me!

    I heart Will Arnett.

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  26. If I didn't already know that my IRL friends know where my post is because I told them, I'm certain they would have guessed this one was mine. Well, except for the hemorrhoid. Wait, they wouldn't know for sure, would they?

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  27. This is a great idea. and even though it is anonymity that makes it so interesting, I want to know, I really really wanna know.

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  28. I feel like I'm too judgmental with everyone, too, but I'm ALSO so often correct that why bother? I mean, people judge. It's what we do, it's human nature, and I say if you do it well more power to ya.

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  29. I really enjoyed reading all your dark little secrets.

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  30. I always thought Mr. Big was hotter than Aidan, and I have NO IDEA WHY.

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  31. See now, number 9 proves you to be empathetic. So says me. :)

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  32. This is a GREAT idea!

    Imagine all the things I could get off my chest about my inlaws! <- But I never said that. I didn't.

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  33. Number 10 is nothing to be ashamed of!

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  34. My sister is #7, it is crazy. I sometimes wish I had that feature.

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