Friday, March 26, 2010

Beyond incredulous

I hit my business trip wall yesterday. I am just DONE. I've been here for over a week, it's been windy and rainy for most of it, my husband is far away, I'm tired, and overall I'm just over it. I want to go home.

Luckily, I am going home, tonight, so I'm pretty much done at this point (other than the 4-hour plane ride), but I am still in that ridiculous mental place. I was VERY GRUMPY last night about having to go to bed by myself without Torsten next to me, and I was still grumpy about it when I woke up in a bed by myself this morning.

What can I say? I'm a big baby and I don't like to be away from my husband, and I don't like being away from home for this long unless I'm on some wonderful exotic vacation. And a business trip to DC is certainly not a wonderful exotic location.

But! It's OK! Because I have found incredible hilarity to distract me, in the form of some choice quotes from Jennifer Love Hewitt's new book.

Seriously. I had no opinion about this woman before. But NOW do I EVER have an opinion about her. I don't think I need to tell you what it is. I'm pretty sure that these quotes from her book speak for themselves:
"It's no secret—guys hate to spoon. They prefer to fork, lol! ... So here's the trick: play it cool until he falls asleep and then Velcro yourself to him, quickly and with very little motion (think Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible). And then, if and when he wakes, turn quickly, like you were just stretching, and wait. When the little lamb sleeps again One...Two...Three...Velcro!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"When they say 'I,' help them say 'we.' If you and your guy are with other people and he says, 'I ate at the best restaurant last night,' just simply follow it up with, 'Yeah, we had the best food!' It will eventually change his thinking."
Seriously, you have to read the rest of the quotes. No matter how pissy you're feeling, the sheer hilarity will crack you up. I mean, not that she is trying to be hilarious. But the quotes definitely are. Or else they're just really depressing. You decide.

18 comments:

  1. You're telling me the queen of broken engagements is giving relationship advice? Please.

    Get home safely...

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  2. I'm now convinced that her giant head really IS a big rattle with fluff lolling about.

    (Okay, I'm going to be nice for the rest of the day, starting... NOW).

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  3. Even more JLH awesomeness:
    http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2010/03/ten_things_i_read_in_jennifer.html

    You can thank me later.

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  4. These quotes are awful beyond belief...actually I can believe it. What makes me so mad is that someone like this gets her book published when there are countless writers who actually understand how to craft a meaningful sentence and they cannot get published. What a load of crap adding nothing good at all to the world!

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  5. JLH has been unintentionally hilarious for years. A friend and I used to get together to watch Party of Five each week for the sole purpose of making fun of her. And her appearances on talk shows? Often pure comedy gold.

    Thank you for this post, btw. I've been BEYOND GRUMPY for a few days now, and this just might be the cure!

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  6. Ok, I'm back. I just finished reading through the rest of the quotes. I have to say, "Then I wondered why" is going to keep me laughing all day!

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  7. WOW. Just read the quotes. I am, well. I am done here.

    Have a safe trip home.

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  8. See, I have no sense of humor because all I got was...

    Um, say what?

    Depressing.

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  9. Oh, lord. Any shred of positive feelings I may have had for that woman has gone out the door.

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  10. Oh boo on hitting the business trip wall. You'll be home soon enough!

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  11. That chick is insane. I read the "guys hate to spoon" one in People and thought to myself, "No wonder she's single. She's bonkers."

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  12. Um, that book sounds unbelievable and hilarious all at the same time. WOW.

    Glad you are heading back! Safe travels. :)

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  13. OMG HA HA HA HA HA!! I think of her as a dim sweetie, and these quotes show she is even dimmer than I supposed!

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  14. Sweet Jesus. She's...an idiot. At the very least. Or maybe she's just trying to be funny? No, she's probably an idiot.

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  15. J LoHew irritates me SO MUCH. So of course I have to go read the quotes.

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