Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Delayed gratification

So, the only thing holding us back from trying to get pregnant right now is this whole Torsten quitting his job and starting his own company thing.

Which, granted, is a pretty good reason not to be trying right now. But it is also the only thing that I am still struggling to come to terms with about Torsten's company.

Originally I was told that I had to wait a year after surgery to get pregnant. I knew that I didn't really have to wait, but I figured that I would. It about meshed with our vague timeline anyway. No big deal.

But there isn't really a surgery-related reason to wait. With the bypass, there would be, because you lose so much weight so fast and your body needs time to adjust. Though even with bypass, it's not that big a deal to get pregnant before the year is up--you just have to make sure you're getting enough nutrients to nourish the baby.

With the lap-band, since it isn't malabsorptive and the weight loss is much slower, there isn't really a concern about the health of the baby. This is especially true because the fill can be let out of the band, or reduced, allowing you to eat as much or as little as you need during pregnancy. This is one of the reasons that I chose the band over the bypass.

So the real reason to wait a year post-band to get pregnant is mental. It's a big shift to go from being able to eat whatever you want to having to be much more careful about what you eat. It's very challenging for some people to adjust to a whole new way of life, and to learn how to eat the right things in order to get all the necessary nutrients. It's a huge change in your life, and for a lot of people it's the first time they've ever really focused on themselves like this, and so it makes sense to take a year to learn and adjust.

But it hasn't taken me a year. I had a head start because I was already eating healthy and working out before the surgery, so it wasn't a seismic shift in lifestyle for me. Certainly things have changed drastically for me since the surgery, but it's more in the realm of now the healthy eating and working out actually helps, and changes my mindset in a lot of ways.

So at my appointment earlier this month, I was discussing all this with my social worker and she said that as far as she's concerned, from a personal and health perspective, I am totally ready to get pregnant at any time, and there's no reason for me to wait the rest of the year before starting to try.

Under other circumstances I'd have rushed home gleefully and thrown my birth control straight in the trash. But now, under these circumstances, the surgery is no longer our primary reason to wait.

Of course I know, we both know, that if I did get pregnant now it would be fine. We wouldn't be able to throw every little luxury at our baby, but honestly, even if we were millionaires we probably wouldn't do that anyway. Certainly if I got pregnant while we were both earning our standard incomes we would go a little crazier with the buying of the baby stuff than we will if I get pregnant this year. But that's not really it.

It's mostly just that Torsten is taking a big risk by quitting his job and starting his company. He has me and my income as a safety net, and that's great, and I'm totally supportive of the whole thing. But there is a slightly more intangible part of his safety net as well, and that's the fact that right now it's just the two of us and we don't have a whole lot to lose. We have a house, but I can't really foresee a situation in which we would lose that. And there isn't really anything else.

We're adults. We're used to living frugally. We're making this choice for ourselves. We don't have anyone else to worry about as we make financial decisions. We have faith in ourselves, our earning power, and our ability to bounce back if it turns out that this company doesn't work out. We're young and we're flexible and we have very few responsibilities. The timing is right.

Once I get pregnant, that will put a deadline on the success of the company. Torsten will feel, whether or not it's rational, that he has nine months from the day I pee on that stick to make his company succeed. And if it doesn't, he'll feel that he has to desperately seek out the first job he can find in order to support our kid. And in a market like this, it could take quite some time for a job, any job, to come along.

He doesn't need that kind of pressure. Even though we know that if we had a baby now, on one income, with the company earning nothing, we'd be fine, the psychological pressure and the stress it would cause would turn this from the fun, exciting project it currently is to a huge source of stress and doubt for Torsten. And that's not what his company should be about. He has worked so hard for this. He deserves to have the time and space he needs to make it happen the way it should.

And so we continue to wait on the baby thing. And I know that in the end we'll probably be glad we did, because we'll love our baby so much and not be able to fathom that if we'd gotten pregnant earlier, we'd have ended up with a different baby. And a few months doesn't really make that much of a difference in the long run. And right now is really the best time for this to happen. And we can enjoy being just the two of us for that much longer. And it will all work out in the end.

I know all those things are true. I'm comfortable with our decision. I'm happy that Torsten is doing this and I know that it will be worth the wait.

But oh, I want it so much, and I don't want to wait one minute longer to start trying. I want a baby. And I would really, really like to have it now.


  1. Well, from afar, I'm excited for the two of you. You're still so young. And I know it grinds you to hear that. But, you are. And so this is a great time for Torsten to venture out on his own. And that's exciting in and of itself. And once things settle from that explosion, then you'll be ready for the next explosion of kids. And well, it just keeps getting better. Really, life has been and continues to be good for you. And that's just so fortunate considering how much malice there is in the world. And I know you know that. But, it's fun to watch from here, too.

  2. Oh, hugs. It's hard to wait when you know you're ready. You and Torsten will make fantastic parents, too. But you are being SO rational about this. Really, you're doing the right thing. You really, really are. The stress-and JOY-of a new baby are big enough emotions to deal with. You really don't need to add work-related stress and pressure for Torsten.

    I am so proud of you for the awesome decisions you're making, and I know that it will be perfect when it comes.

    Once you're about three months out from ready, you could ditch the pills and use other protection for a while - that's what we did, and it was nice to get to know my body a bit before really trying.

  3. You're right. Of course you are. But I feel it must be hard to wait for something you want so badly.

    Wishing you vast multitudinous waves of patience. Far more than I have, anyway.

  4. We waited about 18 months after we were married to get pregnant (which happened immediately for us, much to my husband's dismay... he wanted a little more "trying", I think). Anyway, it was SO HARD to wait those 18 months. I totally remember that feeling. I was longing for a baby so badly that my arms- literally- ached to hold a baby.

    You are so right though. Your day will come, and it will come at the PERFECT time, and you won't be able to imagine it any other way.

  5. I wondered when you initially posted about Torsten's new venture how it would figure in to the pregnancy timeline. You have such a level head on your shoulders; sometimes I am jealous. :). I ate breathed and slept the word 'baby' from the second I got married, so I know where you are coming from. And Hub started his own company about 2 months before I got pregnant. It was scary at first but we made it through. We talk now about how if we would have waited 'for the right time' whether it was mentally, financially or whatever, we never would have gotteb there. And it sounds like you guys are prepared, now or later whenever it happens. I can't wait to read all about it.

  6. My husband and I started a company in July 2009. I got pregnant in October 2009. He's starting his new job in 10 days. I feel guilty. It was a planned and much wanted baby, but still.

    I know how yucky it is to wait. Honestly, I was ready to try again when my daughter was three months old. We waited and waited and waited and finally, all the stars never did align, so we went for it. We just couldn't wait anymore.

  7. Well, you're doing the mature thing. But I *completely* understand how you feel, seeing as I want a baby now and Martin and I aren't even ENGAGED yet (and I'm rational and want to do things the right way, so you understand, LOL). Martin has said yes, once we're married, he's all for trying for our first baby right away (YAY!)... but I'm not forseeing that happening for another few years still... and then, like you, we'd obviously need to make decisions like that based on what's going on at the time....

    So yes. I understand how you feel, and understand it must be even MORE difficult since you've got nearly everything lined up (the marriage, the home,etc) and ready and Baby!Baby!Baby! is like, the next thing (finally!).

    But, you're mature, and you're doing the right thing for your husband too. So... I respect you guys a lot.

  8. Don't you hate being a smart, practical, conscientious adult sometimes? You know the right thing to do but damnit! Wouldn't it be great to just chuck it all to the wind?

  9. I can't imagine how hard it would be to want a baby so badly but decide to wait for a bit. I think you guys are heading into your future with your eyes open, though.

    Thinking of you!

  10. Everything you said makes complete and utter sense!!
    You SHOULD wait until you both feel the time is right, of course! Enjoy each other, use this time to get T's company going.

    I got pregnant in college, unplanned, and then got married, unplanned. My youngest (not the one I had in college) asked me the other day, "Wouldn't you have had more fun in college without a baby??" HAHA. Um. Yes.

    Hmmm. I don't know what my point is here.

    Stay rational. I probably should have in college but it all turned out just fine. The baby is now in college herself and FIRMLY on the pill.

  11. And the trying part of getting pregnant is also fun so it's a win-win! ;-)

  12. I think you're on the right track with waiting for his career path to not be so stressful - because pregnancy is stressful and unpredictable, and it's good to have one stable person around! That said, there's never going to be a perfect time, and whenever it happens, it will be wonderful. And for your baby fix, I can guarantee I'll be spending a lot of time in your neighborhood starting around June 16th.

  13. I've never planned on children, even though I have two. And I can't imagine what it must feel like to want a child and have to wait. I do know, however, that that future kid is one lucky dude/dudette!

  14. Oh I know, I know, I completely understand!

  15. sigh. Patience is sometimes the hardest part of life. But, sometimes things aren't ready yet and you just have to wait. I am so ready to get engaged and eventually married right now and think about it all the time the way you seem to think about having a baby, but it's just not the right time for me and my boyfriend. While getting married now wouldn't be anything short of amazing it is simply better to wait and there is nothing more I can do but day dream and look at wedding blogs. But, ahhh, I WANT IT NOW!

  16. i can't imagine what it must be like to want a baby that bad and make yourself hold off. i'm all about the immediate gratification, so i imagine i'd be bad at it :-)

  17. I think it's fantastic that you're strong enough, and caring enough, to put Torsten's current needs before your own.

    And while I can't personally imagine wanting a child so badly, I'm excited for you, and can't wait until you get your wish.

    Also? Loving the new header. Very cool.

  18. I think SO many of us can totally relate to WantingABabyRightNow. I think you will be pleased though, that you waited. You have a good plan for sure.
    I hope the months fly by for you guys!

  19. Sounds like you're both aligned with your priorities at the moment, which is always a good thing. You're so close now, you don't want to rush things!

  20. So you probably are tired of people telling you that you still have plenty of time so I won't do that. Instead I'll just send you a hug and tell you "I get it."

  21. I symphatize with you, although I can't imagine how bad you must want this but I read several blogs where the bloggers are going through the similar things. Some of them have to wait for financial reasons, others just have health reasons prevent them to. You've made the right decisions and I admire you for being so considerate with your husband. I hopoe his business is booming so baby will be on his/her way soon :)

  22. The time will go really fast. The waiting is the hardest part!

  23. You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view

  24. You have tested it and writing form your personal experience or you find some information online?