Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Montana's advice to dogs everywhere

How to receive and eat a treat
If you hear a plastic bag rustling in the kitchen, immediately check out the situation. Sit in front of your owner with your ears pricked and your tail wagging. If a treat is not immediately proffered, scooch continuously closer until one is given. Continue wagging your tail throughout.

Once the treat has been received, head directly to the door. If the door is not open, sit by it with the treat in your mouth, ears pricked, tail wagging, while staring hopefully at your owner. This should procure an open door for you.

Take the treat outside and deposit it on the grass. Flop down in the grass next to the treat and make sure to rub your face on the ground. Then do a full-body roll in the grass with your legs in the air until you are thoroughly covered in leaves. If you're light-colored, you might even be lucky enough to pick up a grass stain or two. Try to roll ON the treat as well as next to it.

Once the rolling has been completed, pick up the treat with your mouth, deposit it between your front paws, grip it tightly, and consume with delicate bites. While chewing each bite, look around the yard to make sure you aren't missing an errant squirrel or other crucial situation.

How to bury a treat
Treats should never be rejected. If you receive a treat that you don't feel like eating, or you sense that your stockpile is getting low, the treat should be accepted and then carefully concealed in the yard. If the yard is not accessible to you, a dusty closet corner is an acceptable, though not preferable, alternative.

Start by scouting out your burying spot. This involves carrying the treat, even if it is a very large and heavy bone that hurts your jaw, in circles around the yard at least five times. Try selecting a spot near some sort of edge--a fence, a tree, a wooden garden barrier.

Use your front paws to dig a large hole. Make sure to send dirt and mulch flying everywhere, and try to get as much soil as possible under your toenails. Bonus if you can get some grass stuck under there too.

Once the hole is of a sufficient size, deposit the treat in it. Then use your nose and the top of your head to cover the treat back up. Flatten your head against the ground and scrape dirt and sticks forward until the treat is covered and fully concealed. It's OK if you blister your nose while doing this. Concealing the treat is more important than physical pain. Don't stop until your owner won't be able to find the treat, even if he saw where you were burying it. Then walk away looking nonchalant. The attitude to project is: Treat? What treat?

Note: If at any time during the burying process, you realize that the selected spot is not suitable, it is perfectly acceptable to dig your treat back up and seek another spot. However, don't forget that you must start the process over at this point, which means at least five more circles around the yard before you settle on a new spot.

How to alert your owner to a truck in the vicinity
While lying in your dog bed, you may hear a truck down the street. If this occurs, lift your head and bark once, very loudly and sharply. Then go back to sleep. Bonus if your owner is on a conference call when you do this. Double bonus if it's a speakerphone call.

How to lie down in your dog bed
Step into the bed. Make sure that there are no stray toys or treats in the bed that you could lie on. Pat the bed with your paws a few time. Turn around in several circles before collapsing in the bed as though you've just been shot.

How to alert your owner to the arrival of the mail
When the mail comes through the slot, jump up in shock at the unexpected noise, whine, and run into the other room. Even though this happens every day and your owner might think that someday you'd get used to it.

How to dry off
Towels are useful for drying off, but even better would be your owner's pants. Stealth is key here. Don't let your owner know that you are wet until you are already rubbing yourself thoroughly against his legs. Maybe give his thigh a little nuzzle with your head to make up for it. Unless your head is also wet. Then the head-nuzzle might not make up for it.

How to make the most of a trip to the pet store
Look for the rodent cages as soon as you walk in the door. Once you spot them, yelp, whine, and pull as hard as possible to get your owner to bring you over there. Park yourself in front of the most enticing-looking rodents--sometimes the ferrets, or the rats--and sit perfectly still, in stalking mode. Try not to shake with excitement. Whine occasionally, and drool. If your owner attempts to pull you away, go limp and force him to drag your prone body all the way across the store to the exit. Once outside, wag your tail to let your owner know that there are no hard feelings.

What about you? Would your pet have any advice to add?


  1. Ha! This post was cute. And confirms my need for a dog.

  2. HAHA! This post is hilarious. LOVE IT.

    My dog's advice is to sit under a child's seat at the table to maximize treat input.

  3. HAHAHA - I laughed out loud at this one! Dogs rule.

  4. haha! That's exactly why we don't take Penny to the Petsmart anymore. Well that, and we also have 3 kids so 3 little boys + 1 big goofy dog = well, no trips to petsmart...

  5. Hmmm Montana and Fuzzy Britches have different ways of handling treats. FB would never bury a treat- instead she would scarf it down as quickly as possible and then look up for more!!

  6. Proving once again that dogs and toddlers are not so different: That's pretty much how The Boy reacts to the rodent cages at PetSmart.

  7. Sunny would NEVER bury a treat. EVER. She would eat it as fast as humanly possible, then scurry back for a second or third.

    Bones, however. OH BONES. She "buries" them in the couch. And a few times? I caught her trying to bury them in the baby's ass. I look down and she's using her nose to delicately "hide" the bone underneath the baby. As if the baby is never going to move, and it will be safe there. Under the baby's butt.

  8. HA. awesome. i can only add cat advice, unfortunately. for example:

    How To Get Your Owner's Attention if You're A Siamese Cat

    meow, very loudly, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again while sitting at your owner's feet and/or walking back in forth in front of her.

    if your owner does not respond, jump onto: a) her keyboard, and rub against the computer screen; b) her chest, and walk back and forth in front of her face so she cannot see the tv.

    if your owner does not respond because she is trying to sleep, reach out delicately with one paw and poke her face. repeatedly.

  9. From Chloe:

    How To Go For A Run

    Perk up when running shoes get pulled out of closet. Run over, sniff, wag tail, intensify wiggle.

    Jump up and down when iPod is inserted into case. Hop on ottoman, get scolded. Run around living room with glee. Mess up rug. Annoy mama.

    Go apeshit when collar is taken off hook. Ignore mama's command to sit. Sprint in circles. Leap onto couch then onto coffee table then back to ottoman. Lie down reluctantly for collar when mama's look says "enough!"

    Dart into the yard when door is opened. Run in circles. Roll on back. Act like a freak. Play keep away with mama while she tries to attach the leash.

    Wrestle and bite leash once attached. Pull in every direction. Pee in the first yard you come to. Poo in the second. Bark at the dog across the street.

    Run fast. Faster! Pull mama up the first hill (she likes that!). Once mama gets a good pace going, stop and sniff. EVERYTHING. Ignore leash tugging.

    Start to mellow out. Run in front of mama at nice pace. Occasionally lunge at skateborder or rollerblader. Take second poo, if needed.

    Come home. Slurp water. Collapse on floor. Pant. Then up! More play! Treat! Dinner! Munch munch.

    Sneak on couch. Go night night. Look cute and sweet so mama doesn't kick off. Get snuggles and cute talk :)

    1) Wag tail eagerly when owners gather coats, keys and purses.
    2) While wagging tail, follow owner from one room to the next, lest they forget you are there.
    3) Sit patiently and wait for your owner to give you the sign you're invited.
    4) If not invited, immediately turn on the sad, droopy, guilty-stricken puppy dog eyes.
    5) Follow owner from room to room with said eyes to ensure owner feels bad for not taking you.
    6) By chance, if your owner does take you, make sure to be the best behaved dog ever, lest your owner use your poor behavior as a reason not to take you next time.

    Isn't it amazing how dogs manipulate, errrrr train, us humans? =)

  11. HAHAHAHHA. This is awesome!

    Here's Shorty's contribution:


    1. Bark at all strangers, especially men.
    2. Bark, growl and lunge at strangers who are African American.

  12. cute post!

    when i had my dog, he would have definitely added that to get your owner to pet you, nudge her hand with your nose until she lifts it up and puts it on your head.

  13. awwwwwwww so cutee, and funny!!!! I love it how they always do like 5000 circles [in the same place] before settling down

  14. 16-year-old Elder Hound says: Sleep. Most of the day, every day until Mom's favorite show comes on, then get up and decide it's time to go outside. Then inside. Then outside again because you forgot why you went out there in the first place.

    Come back inside and wander around for a while, making sure your untrimmed toenails clack incessantly on the floor during crucial dialog.

    Doze during commercials.

    If Dad comes for a visit, act like no one ever pays attention to you. Insist upon going into the front yard. Find icky thing to roll in then rub against Dad's leg as he's leaving so he'll remember you.

    Go back to bed for another six hour nap. Set bladder for midnight and refuse to go outside when Mom goes to bed at 11.

    At 12:01, howl mournfully until Mom stumbles from bed, then make large puddle by door while she watches. Look confused. You're old, you can pull that off.

    Go back to bed.