Wednesday, July 22, 2009

On gift giving styles

Yesterday a reader left a comment on my post expressing shock that I have already selected the gift that I want Torsten to give me when I get pregnant. And I was caught off guard because to me, first of all that's not a regular thing to do, and second of all it's not that big of a deal. But it got me thinking about gift-giving habits, and how different and personal they are to different people and families.

I grew up in a family where gifts were pretty lavish, especially on Christmas. We didn't go totally nuts year-round and we weren't spoiled, but gift-opening on Christmas morning always took quite a long time, considering that there were only four of us. Somehow it seems that my mom always gets the most presents, which is fun--my dad gives her lots of stuff and my sister and I collect little things for her all year long and then give them all to her at Christmas.

I know that some families do things very differently--just one present, or a couple presents, per person for a holiday. I know that my sister's ex-husband was from one of those families, and was a little uncomfortable at his first Christmas with our family to see all the gifts that were being exchanged--even though many of them were inexpensive.

As well, as my sister and I got older we started picking out some of our own gifts. Basically, our parents didn't buy us stuff just because we wanted it. If we found something we liked, we had the option of either paying for it ourselves or having our parents buy it for us for the next gift-giving occasion. So then, when we unwrapped our presents for our birthday or Christmas, there would definitely be exclamations of, "Oh yeah! I forgot about this!"

And now, with Torsten, things are somewhat similar. I don't often issue specific requests, like "here's the link, buy me this," but we do talk about what we want for gift-giving holidays ahead of time. For his birthday, which was right after our wedding, Torsten didn't want a present at all--we'd already gotten a ton of stuff, we were on our honeymoon, he couldn't think of anything he really wanted, and he figured he'd rather save the money than buy something just because. This year, I think our main Christmas gift to each other will be a piece of furniture that we choose together. For my last two birthdays, we've taken weekend trips instead of a gift (one to Chicago and one to Glenwood Springs).

We do still try to give each other one little surprise gift. For his birthday, for example, he said he didn't want anything but I gave him a set of beer glasses, which he loved and uses every day. For my birthday, we went to Glenwood Springs but he also bought me a book on interior decorating and got me purple flowers. And so forth.

And on the baby rattle thing... well. I wouldn't normally tell Torsten that I wanted something so specific. But I came across that rattle one day, and fell in love. I just think it's amazing. And I want it. But obviously not now, when there's no baby in sight.

But I know this probably sounds crazy to a lot of people, people for whom gifts are awkward or people who don't do gifts at all, or people for whom gifts MUST be a surprise and are never discussed with the recipient until they are actually given.

So tell me, what is your gift giving style? As an adult, have you had to make adjustments to the gift giving philosophy you grew up with?

38 comments:

  1. I don't really have a style...I write down gift ideas for my husband whenever he mentions something, but other than that...I came from a family who exchanged christmas/birthday lists -- my husband hates that practice, so we don't do that for us. but i still like giving my parents some sort of guidance. :)

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  2. I love your "Oh yeah! I forgot about this!" because my family is the same way! I remember one year (not too long ago!) when I was home in the middle of the year and my mother and I were at TJMaxx and I saw some funny Hello Kitty pajamas and I told her that I loved them, and she bought them for me for Christmas...of course, I forgot and was the pleasantly surprised a few months later!

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  3. Growing up our gift giving style was (and is) very similar to your family's idea. When my mom re-married, my stepdad and stepsiblings were shell shocked I think because they never had big Christmases. Its all worked out over the years and they've grown accustomed to it. I always try to buy something for people that they've mentioned they wanted or needed. I'm also perfectly fine if someone tells me exactly what they want.

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  4. Oh come on why would the person reacts like that? I think telling what gift you want for some time in the future is pretty normal. Or maybe because we do it like that in my family, i told my dad i would want a new car for my birthday, for example. In my family, gift giving tradition is pretty casual. I mean, if you wanna give a gift then you just give it. Birthdays, or mother's days , etc. My parents buy me and my siblings presents quite often usually.

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  5. Oh, this demands an entirely separate post!
    My fam has huuuge xmases and P's fam practically fprgets gift giving holidays exist. Both are fine. But I'm pretty big on the surprise. To me it's not a real gift if the giver didn't think of it herself, but I realize I'm in the minority on this one, see: wedding registries...

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  6. My family gives extravagantly at Christmas. Hubby's much larger family does a couple small gifts for everyone. In our house, we give extravagantly to one another - Not necessarily dollar-wise, but there is never any shortage of things to open. We always do take time to remember our real blessings, and we started a new tradition of our son choosing a toy to give to Toys For Tots.

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  7. I grew up with a father that said "give me a list of what you want for Xmas/birthday and we'll see if we/I can get it" and I still work like that with Keith. I've already told him the only thing I want for Christmas is a piece of artwork.

    I prefer having a guided idea of what to get for people as well - I hate the stress of trying to figure out what they want. Ugh.

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  8. My family was the same way as yours. Actually, when I was about six or seven my mom took me and my three brothers to Toys R Us and let us put whatever we wanted into the cart for Christmas. We didn't get everything we put in the cart, but it was a really fun time and that Christmas has remained one of my favorites.

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  9. I grew up in a family where we always gave each other lists. Some things on the list were bought, and some surprises were thrown in.

    My parents tend to pick out specific gifts that they want (from each other) and have no problem buying it in the presence of the other person. The element of surprise is gone, but the gift is still meaningful because it's something truly needed or desired, and sometimes it's picked out by the two of them together.

    My husband is big on gifts being surprises. He and I have never bought a gift for the other person in his or her presence. I would be OK with doing that, but my husband would not. Gifts must be a surprise!

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  10. When we were little, my parents had us circle pictures in a Sears Wishbook. When we were older, we started writing our own Wish Lists. My whole family does that. Wish Lists are in no way order forms; they're more like idea lists, or ways for people to know what you're currently into. There's no pressure to buy from the wish lists as opposed to launching off.

    Paul and I have found that at certain times it is best to spell out what we want. I had wanted a piece of special jewelry (not expensive, necessarily, just commemorative) when our first child was born, and I thought I'd been really clear in my hinting, but I had not been. We also tell each other what we're hoping for on Mother's/Father's Day, because sometimes people want drawings from their kids and sometimes people want diamonds, and it kind of depends what sort of year it's been.

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  11. P.S. It is shocking what shocks people.

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  12. My family was one of the families that didn't put much into gift giving. I was the one, however, who went against that and always bought gifts for everyone I could think of, even if they were small and inexpensive. My mom... not so much.

    Since I married into a different family, I have found that they are quite similar to yours. It doesn't have to be a surprise, and gifts were always a big part of Christmas morning and birthdays, etc... not that other things weren't. It's just that they always put so much time and thought in to it, even if it wasn't always a surprise (it hardly ever was), and now that's how I get to live. I love it.

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  13. I have found that if I don't ask specifically for what I want, I will inevitably be disappointed when I don't get it. Maybe this is un-romantic but I don't really like surprises anyway and I don't want someone to spend time and money on something that I'm not going to like as much as something else. This has backfired in the past, to the point that sometimes I have pretended (for years!) to like something that I just don't. Furthermore, I'd rather do something nice like have a fancy dinner or go on a trip than more stuff anyway. I'm with you on this one, Jess.

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  14. This is such an interesting topic. My family is also of the lavish, many small things to open at Christmas style; John's family is HUGE, so they do a grab bag where you pick one name from a hat and get one gift for that person at a set dollar amount. This invariably leads to a complex exchanging of $50 gift cards to chain restaurants, which drives me a little nuts.

    One interesting thing about my family's gift style is that requesting things is okay, and so is returning them. My mom loves picking stuff out for us, but she also wants us to USE it, so I've returned a bunch of Christmas and birthday gifts, with her blessing, for something similar that's more "me". John was horrified the first time I did this, but he's grown used to it.

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  15. For me, while I enjoy being suprised with the "perfect" thing, if that isnt going to happen I'd prefer to get the thing I want over a suprise about a thing I do not want and have no use for. I know that sounds very unromantic or boring, but I want for so few things (usually if I want something I save up for it and get it myself), there are only a few things I wouldnt purchase for myself, making them (in my mind) gifts.

    I try and give gifts the same way, something someone really wants but wouldn't necessarily purchase for themselves, over just a thing to give a thing.

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  16. I have to admit that it's a little odd to me that you've picked it out, not because it's odd to ask for something specific (my family does that too), but because I assume due to the surgery that you're not even trying to get pregnant yet. You seem to plan a lot of things far in advance down to the tiniest detail. Obviously, you can plan what you want whenever you want to, but I do not operate that way at all!

    I think the rattle is a really nice keepsake, by the way.

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  17. Sweets and I have a nice system set up. Since our birthdays sandwich Christmas by a couple weeks, we ruled no gifts on birthdays. We just take each other out for a nice dinner. Christmas is for exchanging gifts. And our anniversary is for buying a piece of art (we've bought something new every year we've dated and I think we'll continue with this tradition).

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  18. My family is enormous so we have the rule that you get gifts until you leave school or turn 18. After that we do secret santa, you buy for one person and one person buys for you. My husbands family? They SHOWER you with gifts (not unusual to get 50 gifts and not small ones) so though his family is smaller, it's much more of an intense shopping experience come Christmas.

    I remember my dad's girlfriend horrifying dad. She got one of her sisters a gift for $80 and one a gift for $10 and dad said that wasnt ok. She said to him "well Peter, both of them are getting what they wanted, their delight is equal even if the money isnt." It's a new way to think of things but I am not sure I think it's fair?

    For birthdays, my husband and I have a price limit of $300 for each other these days. I do have to give him hints but he is pretty good at picking gifts out. What I have learnt is NEVER to mention what I dont like because when he goes back to the shop he sees it and thinks, "Oh Heather mentioned that..." and he BUYS IT!!!

    Really, so long as my day isnt forgotten I'd be happy. If he gave me a kiss and a long romantic walk that'd be fine with me.

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  19. I'm definitely in favour of asking for the things you want. It's so hard to surprise someone unless you know them well enough to really know their taste, or talk to them often enough to pick up on something dropped into conversation. I could only ever do that with my husband and my sister -- for everyone else on my gift list, suggestions/requests are welcome!

    Love the rattle, it really is so adorable. It'll make a perfect keepsake.

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  20. As an only child, I was spoiled with gifts on every occasion. As an adult it couldn't be more different. My mom doesn't have much money, so any gifts she buys are for the kids, which is fine with me. My husband and I buy our own gifts. We go out together a few weeks before a birthday or holiday, pick out and purchase what we want, then the other wraps it up and we get to open it on the special day. It's boring, yes, but works for us because we get exactly what we want/need which helps if you have a tight budget. We do try to give small inexpensive surprise gifts along with the ones we know about to make it fun.

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  21. I'll admit that the idea of a "Push Present" horrifies me. I'm all for husbands showering their wives with love and adoration post-birth, I just don't understand how that equates to an expensive present.

    Aside from that, the part that truly makes me sick is the women who EXPECT to be showered Push Presents. They have bookmarked/emailed their desired haul and are disappointed if not every piece shows up. That's just sick. Who knew labor was something to be accessorized?!

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  22. That's one thing I am not good at - picking out gifts for other people! I wish I were. I still owe people wedding gifts...it's horrible.

    Kev and I aren't big gift givers to each other, either. We do dinners and trips and experiences for special occasions, but never material things. We already have enough stuff!

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  23. Oh, this is funny that you bring this up. My reaction to receiving gifts has been the topic of my last three therapy sessions. Um, I am always uncomfortable and feel like I am causing people to spend money they may not have. It makes me want to peel my skin off. My parents were always so sad at Christmas because they knew they could never give us what we wanted. I inherited a helluva lot of guilt from that.

    I love giving gifts. I budget all year so I can give what I know someone wants, whether it is inexpensive or a bit pricey. I don't go overboard, just give what I know they want.

    I have a feeling this will be the topic of a few more sessions. Bah.

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  24. We were always a one- or two-gift family at x-mas/birthdays. And now, with A, he and I usually do the same. Gifts aren't our love language (have you read Gary Chapman's book?), so we don't spend too much energy on them. We create experiences instead.

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  25. J & I set a dollar amount, and it's up to us if we want to get a bunch of presents or one present for each other. His family draws names for Christmas with the extended family, which is GREAT because there's a thousand kids, but my side refuses to do the same (there's fewer people, but still).

    In my immediate family, my mom still believes in the "More is better" philosophy, so we get a ton of dollar-store items and one bigger gift, when I'd be perfectly happy opening just the one big gift.

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  26. I ask people what they might want, and then I give it to them. Or sometimes I just give people cash/gift certificates to Amazon. I don't really ask for gifts from my family-they usually ask and I rarely have a response on hand. My whole family functions this way.

    I'd probably quit giving gifts to anyone who complained about what I gave them.

    I didn't grow up getting a lot of gifts. I'm not Christian and my parents quit the Christmas present ordeal after we moved to a Jewish town and they no longer felt they had to make us feel better about being Not Christian. Even when we got Christmas gifts, it was only one each.

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  27. Bart and I stopped doing gifts for Christmas a few years ago and I LOVE it. And we usually do a trip for my birthday instead.

    I would totally say "This is something I'd like for my birthday." That seems totally normal to me.

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  28. I don't find gift giving awkward, nor do I not give gifts, nor any of the above.

    But yes, I was surprised at how specific you are. You mentioned before that you plan many things and that it works out really well for you, so there you go.

    I would just be intrigued by what my partner would do, all by himself. My exhusband usually did really good. Wasn't always what I wanted, but he always had a great story why he picked what he picked.

    I like surprises, that is definitely true. :) I probably don't feel as strongly about specifics,which is a personality trade;)

    Good for you two that that works.

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  29. And by the way, just because I expressed Surprise at the specifics of a gift, does not mean i was shocked.

    I've seen shocking things. This is far from being shocked. Very far. :)

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  30. interesting topic! my family is also the fairly lavish, multiple gifting @ christmas - although usually one or 2 big things, then tons of smaller, more inexpensive things so everyone ends up opening a lot of stuff. my parents actually get MAD at me if i don't request some things though, because like pseudostoops they want us to use and enjoy whatever they give everyone... so suggestions and requests are very welcome in our family :-)

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  31. This is a fun topic to think about, especially timely because my bday is today and my boyfriend's is in a couple weeks. He and I have very different gift giving styles, so it's always a little funny watching how this time of year unfolds.

    I LOVE surprising people with gifts. If I do say so myself, I am very perceptive and pick out great (useful to them, or matching their tastes really well, etc) gifts for people with minimal input from them. This is useful since my boyfriend is horrible about either being non-committal with gift ideas or just buying things that he wants when he wants them.

    He, however, gets major anxiety about picking out something that I will like. He REALLY wants me to be happy with the gifts, so this usually means I am not very surprised come the day of my bday. I either go with him shopping to pick it out, or wind up very explicitly stating what I'd like. I would be lying if I said I didn't wish that SOMETIMES there were surprises, but it's really been a fairly seamless adjustment for the two of us.

    My family goes overboard at Christmas, and his is very minimal, so that's been an adjustment for the two of us, too. But mostly, my family Christmas is more fun than his (due to me coming from a large, boisterous clan), so we usually wind up celebrating with my peeps. It all works in the end!

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  32. This is a good post, because I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My family and my in-laws actually have very similar gift-giving styles, so there was really no adjustment needed there. However, my brother in law is getting married to someone whose family, I think, is quite different in terms of her gift giving styles. The ideas she often has for group gifts to my in-laws are usually quite over the top and not, in my opinion, personal or what the person would want. I know she means well, but it is such a stark contrast to what I'm used to, both in terms of my family and how my in-laws handle presents.

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  33. I just hate gift giving. Blah. I'd rather have cash so I can buy what I want and I'd prefer to give cash. The reason for that is because I know I like expensive things and so I won't ask for them and instead end up with crap I don't need/won't use that's within the givers budget. I'd rather just have the $10.

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  34. I could go on forever about this topic! My family is the kind that makes lists, but as suggestions or ideas, not demands. If I give my mother a list and don't get one thing on it, that's going to be fine.

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  35. My husband's extend family draws names for Christmas. You are supposed to spend $100 (gah!). My family just does small gifts for our immediate family so it was quite the adjustment. His family will ask for lists but my family is the opposite. I hope this name drawing thing goes away once we all have kids. That's all I'll say about that!

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  36. my husband and I really take it one holiday at a time. I just had my birthday while visiting his parents and they made him feel so awkward for not getting me anything specific all wrapped up...we went shopping bc we were going shopping anyway and when we got back to his fam's place to appease them we said and oh ya this is my birthday present!!! from R, even though it was more of a I liked it so I bought it type thing. On another note I have told my husband that one day he is buying me a band to match my wedding band. Whenever funds and an occasion present themselves I've said. I have no idea if it'll be this year or ten yrs from now but the expectation has been made clear, just like your rattle with Torsten. :)

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  37. Aw, miss- you have the knack for getting people's attention, don't you? I read more "Okay, readers about yesterday..." posts on your blog than on any other, how come all the crazy is always focused on you?

    I love your idea, you guys have been waiting a long time for kidlets- when you get pregnant, you guys should absolutely celebrate. <3

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  38. I start bugging my husband for a list of potential Christmas gifts in early September. I like giving gifts, but I'm horrible at shopping for them. As far as receiving gifts? I'm just not a fan of surprises and I like practical things so I'll often make a point of telling him when I see something I'd like. He's got a pretty good memory but always manages to find something extra and unique that I never would have thought of.

    I remember growing up, my mom would give my dad a list of possibilities for Christmas gifts and he would go out and buy them ALL on one day. :)

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