Friday, July 31, 2009

No surprise

Last night I was watching the Friends episodes where Chandler proposes to Monica, and they reminded me of exactly what it is about surprises that I don't like. Because yeah, I know, I'm weird, but I really don't.

I mean, I don't HATE surprises. Obviously if someone wants to surprise me with something lovely and unexpected, that's great. And it's fun to open gifts and not know what they are ahead of time.

But in general, I think that surprises are overrated. Surprise parties and surprise visits? Cute in theory, but in practice they mean that a) the person isn't prepared for them, might have other plans, or might just not be in the mood or in the right clothes or WHATEVER, and b) you lose the fun anticipation leading up to the event.

I had a friend visit me as a surprise in college one weekend. And yes, it was cute and fun, but I had a paper due that Monday that I hadn't even started yet. So we hung out, but a lot of the hanging out involved her sitting in my room watching me type. Whereas, if I had known in advance that she was coming, I would have written the paper ahead of time so that I could have had the whole weekend free to spend with her.

But the worst kind of surprise, in my opinion, is the kind that involves a ton of trickery and deceit to pull off. This is especially true of surprise marriage proposals. As far as I'm concerned, if two people agree to get married, it should be something that they have at least thought about before. So that means that if a proposal is going to be a surprise, considering that the person being proposed to has probably thought before about marriage, and if they're about to get engaged then they probably feel READY to get married... well, it seems that a lot of the time, the proposer builds this whole web of lies designed to make the proposal a surprise for the proposee.

And yes, the intentions might be good? But in practice, what happens is that the proposee ends up really upset in advance of the proposal. They think that their significant other doesn't want to marry them. They start questioning their whole relationship. They start wondering if they have a future with this person or if they were totally out on a limb by themselves. There are often tears, and serious self-doubt, and incredible unhappiness.

All that, just so the proposal can come as a total shock? SO not worth the trade-off for me.

With our engagement, it both was and was not a surprise. We had looked at rings together and I knew one had been purchased. I knew that there would be a proposal at some point. But when it came, on top of a cliff after a hike, I was totally caught off guard. I just didn't think that Torsten would have carried an expensive, as-yet-uninsured ring up a cliff with him. But surprise! He had.

That was the best kind of surprise. I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't know when and where. He never tried to trick me into thinking that he wasn't serious about a future with me, and he didn't string me along for ages dropping fake hints. But he did pick a moment that I never would have expected him to pick. The best of both worlds, you know?

Am I alone in this? Do you like surprises or are any of you over here in the "I'd rather know about it and get to anticipate it and prepare for it" camp?

40 comments:

  1. Like you, the actual idea of marriage had been discussed, but when my husband proposed, it was a surprise. I think marriage is too big to jump into with no prior discussions. I do not like unannounced drop-in visits. We're so busy and I think it's actually disrespectful of the fact that this may not be a suitable time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have never heard of a real life proposal like the surprise one you described. I think that's a sitcom/movie kind of thing. In real life, I agree that you should discuss marriage beforehand.

    I like surprise presents, and I like throwing surprise parties, but I don't like surprise things at work or being thrown a surprise party.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My husband and I discussed our future plans to get married from just about day one. He never "technically" proposed to me. When the time came, we just picked a date and got married (we had already bought the rings). Then we surprised our family by announcing it AFTERWARDS! THAT was fun!

    I never felt the need for anything more.

    I had a gf in college whose fiance surprised HER with a ring one night at dinner. She cried and laughed and gasped and sobbed and was just so, so excited.... A few hours later, she notices he's all upset. "Well, you never gave me an answer...." Geez, honey, that's because I was so SURPRISED that it took my breath away!

    Yes, sometimes too much can go wrong with the big surprises!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm not a big fan of surprises either. J and I kind of just mutually agreed to get married. Looked at (non-diamond) rings and when we found one we liked, we bought it and then he asked me to marry him in his living room when we got home because he said he didn't want to wait to ask me. It was sweet. It was a decision we both made, and I think that sets a nice tone for everything. But it's not that Hollywood crazy romantic proposal we're used to thinking of as romantic.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't care for big surprises either, particularly ones, like surprise parties, that I feel like are intended to make you look like an idiot. Ugh, I shudder just thinking of them.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I actually just wrote about this!

    My boyfriend wanted it to be a surprise, but we've definitely talked about marriage before. I am just ready a little earlier than we both thought we would be, and so I started getting antsy for marriage discussions and timeline talks. It definitely got to the point where he made it seem like he was perfectly happy with our wedding happening in the d-i-s-t-a-n-t future, which has made me very upset in the past few months. It led to a tear-filled fight, which led to him basically laying out his whole proposal and admittance that he was trying to keep me oblivious.

    I'm happy knowing the plan now, but I've been chastised for having him tell me, so...I think it really depends on the person.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love surprises! But they have to be GOOD ones. A friend arriving for the weekend without telling you is not a surprise so much as just rude! I LOVED my surprise party, but mostly because everyone was horrible at keeping the secret and I got to do the anticipating thing anyway. AND (and this is rare) my expectations weren't so high that the party was a disappointment. It was AWESOME.

    I actually have a good friend who got surprised engaged. At Disneyland. Gag. But they are churchy types who wouldn't have even been dating if they weren't sure they wanted to get married (eventually) so it worked for them. When I heard about it, though, I was speechless.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm with ya. I hate surprises! I think it comes more from my need to know and organize and plan, but I still am anti surprises. I'm currently waiting for my boyfriend to propose. We've talked extensively about marriage, we've picked out rings together and he's purchased my ring. So like you it's not an "is it going to happen?" but a "when is it going to happen?" I would pick no surprise whatsoever but he's determined to surprise me a little bit with when the proposal will be and I can compromise :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. i like surprises :-) i mean, i wouldn't like it if i thought my bf and i were going to get married, and then he spent 2 months pretending he'd changed his mind... but i think you can work out a surprise proposal without going to quite those lengths. most of my friends who have been surprised by engagements have been of the "we've talked about marriage and we know we want to move forward with that at some point" but the guy goes out and buys a ring and comes up with a super sweet scenario to do the asking.

    (i have one friend whose soon-to-be-fiance knew she'd REALLY want to be involved in picking out the ring, since she has very non-standard taste in jewelry, so he surprise-proposed to her with a ring he'd made out of gold origami paper. ADORABLE.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. TOTALLY.

    It's not that I hate surprises; they just make me uncomfortable and off-kilter. I think this is why I am more "nervous" than "excited" on days like April Fool's (NOT one of my favorite holidays). I KNOW it's why I struggle and STRUGGLE with my MIL, who loves flexibility and spontaneity (and drama--coincidence?), and who can't make a plan for lunch without changing it five times, adding parts, changing the venue and the date and the time and who's going to pick up who on the way. ERG.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I would like to be surprised with little things like say my husband stopping by work to say hello and give me flowers once a year when it isn't my bday or Valentines Day.
    Still waiting on that...

    I once saw my friend's girlfriend surprise her with a weekend visit and my friend's reaction was that it scared her at first...and then ya the weekend was fine, but she missed out on the anticipation and it also totally stole her weekend plans from her.

    People getting surprised with wedding rings before marriage talk - does that really happen in this day and age? If it happened to me and I wasn't ready I hope I'd say yes if it were in public, then drag him off somewhere private and be like WHATTTT? NO!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I always appreciate the thought behind a surprise, but the actual surprising part? Not a fan. I get to embarrassed and then it's not fun anymore. I prefer to be a prepared or at least expecting... something.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am not a surprise kind of gal myself. I can appreicate it but I much prefer to look forward to an event.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't think the complete surprise proposal happens outside of movies either. Unless the person proposes after a few weeks of dating, I assume that the couple has talked about getting married beforehand.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my GOD, I could not agree with you more. I hate the whole idea of surprise parties and surprise proposals. I hate the sneaking around and lying to the person...if it were me, I would so hate feeling like all my friends were in on something and/or had forgotten my birthday or whatever.

    Surprises are SO not for me.

    My proposal situation was just like yours! We shopped together for rings and narrowed it down to three, with my husband making the final decision without me. Then he sprung the ring on me when he felt the time was right. It was great!

    ReplyDelete
  16. HATE almost any kind of surprise (excpect, perhaps, a gift). I think it's my need to control, plan and process and I LOVE anticipating (good) things and I don't want to be gypped out of happy thoughts!

    My husband and I knew we were getting married--we had discussed it for too many months. He'd play ask me all the time to marry him and I'd always say that I needed a ring first, jokingly. So, one day he said...Let's go get the ring! That was fun and the only type of surprise I guess I like.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I've never been a fan of the whole surprise thing, however, a few folks have pulled off some that haven't been that bad.

    Like the time Killer and I had planned a nice date, then she surprised me with a bouquet of flowers. I do like that kind of surprise, but that's the extent of it.

    Having unexpected things happen to me really sets my hair on fire.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm with you on this one, my husband and I talked about our future and plans a lot before we got engaged. I knew it was coming some time in the next few months but the actual day it happened it was a surprise.
    I think sometimes people go too far the other way though - like when they say "We're getting engaged on Valentines Day/my birthday/our anniversary." In my mind, if you've made that decision, you're already engaged!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I've never been proposed to, but just in general, I find that anticipation is a big thing for me. Not only do I love looking forward to trips, for example, but if I have nothing planned, I get a little down. Having something happy to think about can help on a bad day.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I like some surprises, but I think if a marriage proposal is a surprise you are doing it wrong.

    I am fine with surprises if I don't know they are coming...but I can't stand it when someone says "I have a surprise for you...but I can't tell you what it is until T-x time from now" Drives me batty.

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  21. I far prefer knowing over surprises. In fact, I gave strict instructions to my husband NOT to throw me a surprise party for my upcoming 30th birthday. Call me selfish, but I want to know when to wear a cute outfit and bring the good camera!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I like surprises to a degree, but not if they involve a bunch of lies first.
    We had talked about marriage a lot and I suspected a ring had been purchased, but the actual proposal was a surprise, so that was nice.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm probably one of the easiest people in the world to surprise, because I am so oblivious to everything. In college, my high school friends threw me a surprise party during Christmas break (my bday is late January) and I was so clueless that I didn't realize that it was a surprise birthday party for me until about three quarters of the way through, seriously!

    As for proposals...well, I don't know. I am getting very antsy, as you may know, because I do blog about it a bit. S and I talk, though I am more of the talker then he is. He says he wants it to be a surprise, but like you said, I want to feel like it is coming, and sometimes, I just don't and I question everything, even though I know that I shouldn't. I wonder if he thinks I need some big, showy thing, and I don't, at all. I try to tell him this...but who knows.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I like to be prepared, for the most part. Except with presents. I like my presents to be a big surprise!

    ReplyDelete
  25. i guess it depends on the situation for me. i want my engagement to be out of the blue, when i'd least expect it. because even though we've talked about marriage, i don't want to know the exact moment we'll get engaged before it happens.

    i hate opening presents in front of people because i don't like that factor of suprise. what if i hate the present and it shows on my face? i've had that fear forever and it's even worse when you're with your s.o's family that you've never received a gift from or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Here here! I'm not big on surprises. My mom jokes that she and my dad have a contract that they'll never allow the other to have surprise party thrown in their honor. Our proposal was talked about, but the time and ring were a surprise. perfect for me.

    ReplyDelete
  27. TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm not a big surprise person, but I knew when I was getting engaged and I wish I hadn't.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Isn't picking out a ring and then proposing a few weeks or months later kind of redundant? The whole asking her to pick out a ring and her doing so sounds like a mutual "I want to marry you" to me.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I love being surprised, and the thought that people put into it. It's such a fun deviation from the ordinary.

    I can't imagine a marriage proposal being too big of a surprise. That seems irresponsible.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I love surprises.. but only the harmless kind, if you will.

    Surprise parties? Hell, no.

    But Jase has this birthday weekend planned, and has been giving me the clues for it for the past few weeks, and I'll admit it - I'm intrigued and the build up to it (six days to go!) has left me incredibly excited.

    I think it depends on the situation, and the person. :)

    As for proposals, seeing as we're still in bf/gf land, I'd be thrilled for a surprise one. We've had 'the talks' so him putting effort into creating a special event, would be fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I see the logic of what you're saying, but I'm in the 'I love surprises!' camp. Always have, always will. I'm consistently annoyed that my friends haven't managed to spring a surprise birthday party on me yet.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Depends, I actually love birthday surprise, it's the unannounced visit that might be annoying to me.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I HATE surprises. Someone throwing me a surprise party would be a horrible nightmare.

    Get this proposal: My mother-in-law got proposed to by her (loser) boyfriend AT SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING RECEPTION! Is that tacky or what? I mean on someone else's big day to stand up and pretend yu are toasting the bride and groom, but instead propose to your live-in girlfriend of 10 years? Can it not be about him for a few measly hours? SO OBNOXIOUS.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Re: proposals, I think the specifics of the proposal can be a surprise (as in your case) but the idea that you'll get married should definitely, definitely not be a surprise, kind of like you said.

    Re: surprises in general, sometimes it really upsets me to think that everyone I know has known about something (a birthday, a proposal, whatever) for a long time and have been talking about it without me, planning it without me, deliberately keeping me in the dark. Even if their intentions are good!

    ReplyDelete
  36. We're twins. Same deal here -- I HATE surprises. I knew he would, but just didn't know exactly when / how ... so it was super awesome when it happened, but not a total shock by any stretch.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Some surprises are fun, but I agree that a marriage proposal is not something you just want to spring on someone.

    My mom had a surprise party for my sister and me one year in the month between our birthdays. Since it wasn't either of our actual birthdays, we were both fully surprised. I had fun with it; my sister cried and yelled at my mom because she didn't know there was a party and therefore wasn't wearing a dress. So yeah, you're not the only one to consider wardrobe in surprises. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  38. I love surprises. I think it's so fun to not know something that someone is planning for you. When the actual surprise happens, it's like a natural high.

    I did not know that T was going to propose when he did. We didn't look at rings together. I wanted him to choose it for me because I feel like it takes some of the magic out of it when you choose your own ring. We had talked about getting married before he proposed, but never set a timeline.

    ReplyDelete
  39. On proposals, I know its coming, we've checked out rings together and its been thoroughly discussed (thats how he got me to move in with him).

    The question is still when and how. I am looking forward to that surprise. :)

    General surprises I like but no ones ever seems to be in the do all the work to surprise me mood. So I go without surprises.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I just CANNOT STAND surprises! Blech! I'd much rather be able to enjoy the anticipation that comes from knowing. When we got engaged, we'd been talking about marriage for quite a while though hadn't looked at rings or anything. The proposal itself was spontaneous and I actually had to ask if he was serious; if this was him asking for real?
    My cousin got married a little over a year ago. Her fiance planned the entire thing behind her back (yes, that actual wedding) and pulled it off quite successfully. She had no clue until she walked into the hall. I guess it went over fine at the time, but they got divorced less than six months later....

    ReplyDelete