Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Irrational wedding-related guilt

I got it done. It's done. And I'm afraid to say it, but it might even be a little bit good. We can only hope.

Now: two days of getting everything else done before I'm out of work for two weeks, finishing all the stuff that people have desperately emailed me about in the hopes that I can finish it and not leave them in the lurch. But that's all normal, manageable stuff, and the fact that this deliverable is off my plate is much better for the tension in my shoulders than even the massage was.

By the way, for those of you who were asking, I won't totally leave you in the lurch during the two weeks that I'm gone. I'm not going to do guest posts, I don't think, but I'll figure something out.

I'm starting to realize about weddings that they are the absolute worst time to receive guests. We have 80 people in town just for us--and we don't have time to see any of them. Torsten's parents are arriving tonight and we'd like to have dinner with them, but we both will probably be stuck at the office late trying to wrap things up, and my French family is planning to cook for us afterward, and I have an appointment for waxing and threading, and at some point it would be nice to get some sleep and maybe relax a little bit?

And then tomorrow everyone REALLY starts arriving, and I feel totally guilty that we can't have dinner with all of them, but of course if we did have dinner with all of them that would be like a second wedding, which I SO do not have the energy for. And of course they all understand but I still feel kind of bad that they are all coming into town just for us and yet they will hardly see us at all. Plus that puts a lot of pressure on the wedding to make it worth their while.

Of course in my more rational moments I realize that they aren't coming JUST for us; obviously we are the main reason but weddings are family events and people are all looking forward to seeing one another, not just us. And that the wedding WILL be great and everyone will enjoy it, and also that nobody came here under the illusion that they would be having a private visit with just us where they were the center of our attention. And that I don't need to feel guilty about any of this and instead I should just relax and enjoy myself. And I will, soon. Starting Thursday after work.

So, help me, please, by taking my mind off myself: What things make YOU feel irrationally guilty?

36 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie. The stress is really starting to set in, huh? Breathe. Your guests understand that it's a busy time for you. Enjoy what you can and don't worry about the rest. It's all going to be wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I get really stressed out by losing things, even things I don't need. I know it's ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think I was born with Jewish-Guilt built-in. It's like getting free software you never wanted. :)

    It goes into overdrive with my new work schedule. I'm usually in the office from 2pm-8pm. By contrast, D. has been leaving at 7:30am, coming home at 5:30pm. I have an entire morning all to myself - and I spend it on the computer, or drawing, or doing nothing.

    I could have done the dishes, the laundry, gone to the gym, organized something, cleaned the abomination that is our bedroom.. but nah.. I sit on my ass. :)

    GUILTY!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Every time I go to a wedding, I am not expecting much face time with the bride or groom. I want to be there for them, but look forward to seeing family/friends :) Don't worry! Just the fact that you are thinking about it means you are probably being very accommodating already.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I get totally freaked out when I have to throw things away. Even stupid things like scraps of paper or receipts. Now I've learned I should just do it immediately rather than build up piles!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your guests chose to arrive well before the actual wedding day, probably to give them time to sight-see. I'm quite certain that none of them expect you to entertain them.

    What make me feel irrationally guilty? Taking a day off work, but leaving the kids in childcare.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Enjoy the wedding, and the days prior to it.

    You need to take time for you, to relax, unwind.

    I often feel guilty about taking time for myself, but then realize it is beneficial for myself and then I am in a better mood for everyone else.

    I always am hard on myself about 10,000 things I could have done around the house--but then I realize I am not martha stewart--and its just not realistic to be perfect.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Don't worry. People are coming to the wedding to see you and Torsten, but they're not expecting tons of one-on-one time. Plus, they'll catch up with people they haven't seen in ages.

    I feel guilty about not calling my parents, even though the burden seems to always be on ME to call THEM.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Welcome to the wonderful irony of weddings -- all of your family and best friends in one location and you get to intimitely reconnect with exactly NONE.

    My wife and I barely got to speak to every person, let alone have a meaningful conversation with them, and afterwards felt kinda gyped, but...that's how weddings are.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are totally correct in that they will be looking forward to seeing other family and friends. Plus, you are getting married in DC! A lot of them are probably excited to get to come see that city...or maybe your guests are not as untravelled as some of us. ;-)

    I feel guilty about everything. I'm Catholic. It comes with the territory. ;-) Today I feel guilty that I haven't posted a new blog entry in a while (how do you DO that every day??) and that I can't afford a better housewarming gift for a friend of mine.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I feel guilty that I ate peanut M&M's at 9:00 in the morning.

    Actually, you know what? No I don't. They were deLISH.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I hear you! We had a tiny wedding but a bigger party/reception when we moved back home. We only had 3 hours at the venue, including set-up and clean-up, so some guests I barely even said hi too. I still feel badly about it, although I sure hope they didn't take it personally.

    ReplyDelete
  13. School constantly makes me feel guilty. I am constantly saying NO to my parents, sister, friends, & even dog, all because I need to study/write a paper/etc. And when I finally do take time to have a little fun, i feel guilty for not studying. It's a sad cycle and I cannot wait to be out of school!!!

    P.S. I have no doubt that your wedding will be amazing! Early congrats & remember to HAVE FUN!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think the question for me would be, "What don't you feel irrationally guilty about?" because I feel guilty about a lot of shit that I shouldn't!

    As hard as it might be, try to breathe and enjoy this time. People come to town to celebrate with you and don't expect you to have one-on-one time.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am going to be bad and not answer your question, but my advice for dealing with everyone pulling on your time - is just do what you want to do in the moment. If you end up spending time with some folks and not others - don't worry about it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I even felt kind of jealous at my wedding (the first one, where we had a bunch of guests), because they were all having fun together and I was busy getting married and couldn't join in!

    ReplyDelete
  17. It is a stressful time with all the things going through your head but your guests are there to see you but they also are there to see each other, your family and perhaps the city.

    Take some time for yourself and a few just a few people, you will get to see them all in a few days.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What do I feel guilty about? pretty much everything. *Irrationally* guilty? depends who you ask.

    ReplyDelete
  19. People are there to be a part of your wonderous day. They totally understand (or should!) that you have a LOT on your mind and can't spend much time with anyone. Don't feel guilty about it at all.

    I feel guilty that I'm not managing our money in the best way possible. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You do get to have dinner with them - at your wedding! = )

    I think the odd thing about getting married is that the whole thing is a public item. You're planning for other people, for their experiences, favors for them, and they're traveling to see you, to be a part of your day to focus on you.

    And at the same time as you get closer to the wedding things ramp in so that it's more and more just about you and your mister. I think the easiest way to do these next few days is just focus in on each other. No matter what you do, everyone will be thrilled out of their minds - so spend it with your soon to be husband, emotionally.

    My irrational guilt? Not looking at grad school. But the e-mails from my mom saying "WHEN ARE YOU GOING?" doesn't make it feel completely irrational.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Don't be stressed. The families understand how busy you both are with trying to wrap up loose wedding and work ends.

    We invited out of town guests to meet up with us for drinks if they wanted to hang out. This is a lot more low key and gives people a chance to hang out with you and other family members. Plus it's less expensive than a huge dinner. =)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Aww, you'll do great, honey. No worries - try to enjoy from here on out. If you're concerned about families, entreat your parents or Torsten's to do a bit of entertaining. After all, this is a big day for them too, and parents love to get in the spotlight for that!! :) (Most, anyway).

    I get irrationally guilty about a TON of stuff. Here, let me calm you: I don't recycle enough, I don't do enough yard work, I've been slacking on chores at home, and my 9-month stint with bf'ing has hit a rough patch.

    It's all irrational, sweets! Go enjoy yourself getting all girly and beautified!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. My ex-boyfriend slept over last night. Which really, is no big deal. And nothing happened. But I'm sort of dating someone and despite not having had the exclusivity talk yet, I feel irrationally guilty that a male friend (which is what this ex truly is at this point) spent the night. Even though nothing happened.

    Did I mention nothing happened?

    ReplyDelete
  24. I keep meaning to leave you one piece of advice...

    Bring a "nice" hanger with you to hang your wedding dress. The photographer will inevitably take a picture of it hanging, before you put it on and you don't want some ugly plastic thing to detract from your dress.

    Phew, I feel better, I got to share this advice.

    Oh and soooo don't worry or feel guilty about anything. It's your one day (week?) to be 100% selfish.

    Congrats and enjoy the day!!!! Remember to breath and be present and appreciate/enjoy every little moment.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I felt really guilty when I finished an entire Molten Chocolate Warm Delights microwavable deal from Betty Crocker. God bless her. It was delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think most people go to weddings knowing they'll be lucky to say, "Congrats!" and sneak in a quick hug. No need for guilt! Just bask in all the people around you.

    I feel guilty when I "let" A. make dinner. Even though it is to free me up to do thesis stuff. But then I feel guilty that he "has" to cook. Ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Where will you be next week at this time? OH yes, right. AT THE BEACH! Your guilt will be gone and next week all you have to do is enjoy yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  28. To "bs" -- thou dost protesteth too muchly. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Don't feel guilty. Be guilt-free! I think it's hard for (good) brides to release themselves of the burden of being a good host. Remind yourself, you can still be a good bride even though you're doing practically no hosting. Have fun. Make everyone feel welcomed (in the few moments you have with each of them). Make introductions, where appropriate. And you'll be surprised how well people will do on their own.

    We're beginning to hear stories from others at our wedding. I spent an hour talking with my boss today about his conversations with my family. When I wasn't there. He just marched up and introduced himself. It is truly an awesome feeling!

    ReplyDelete
  30. everyone coming to town understands that the bride and groom are busy. i generally look forward to visiting with other friends/family or seeing the city i am travelling to and never once give thought to getting in quality time with the couple. give yourself a break! you have made it this far. relax, enjoy!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I feel guilty about everything, but then, I'm Catholic. I can't help it.

    The wedding will be awesome! YOu're almost there.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh I hated that too... all those people who came from so far away! And even though I took time off before the wedding too- I still didn't manage to spend as much time with them as I would have liked.
    But don't worry, they will all have a blast!
    I can't believe the wedding is this week!!! Holy crap....

    ReplyDelete
  33. I feel irrationally guilty about not trying hard enough--I put pressure on myself about it. It's stupid.

    But YOU have no reason to feel bad!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oooh, early CONGRATS for Saturday!

    I feel random boughts of that "guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach" fairly often, but I think it's part of my anxiety issues, LOL. Sometimes I just get anxious for no reason that I can think of, and the guilty-tummy feeling comes along with it. C'est tres unpleasant.

    I often feel guilty as a university students for not being more stressed about school. LOL. I see others around me get worked up, so sometimes I feel guilt that I'm not the same (as if I'm forgetting tons of steps to the assignments or something). But then I realize, I'm better off for not being stressed and I'm probably just more organized! So then I get over that one. LOL.

    Ah, guilt. Happens a lot when we don't need it to!

    Congrats again, soooo exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  35. jess, the day you've planned and worked for so hard is so close. your guests FOR SURE understand that you don't have time to spend quality one on one with all of them. That's what the obligatory pic-with-every-table at the wedding is for! lol (i'm kidding). but really. you're going to shine.

    also, i feel guilty when I eat dessert multiple times in one day. but that's probably not irrational guilt. it's totally valid guilt.

    ReplyDelete
  36. spending too much money. Maybe that's not completely irrational, but after a night out I have serious spending remorse.

    ReplyDelete