Wednesday, January 12, 2011

To find out the sex ahead of time

This started as a Twitter conversation among myself, Jonna, Nic, Marie Green, Jennie, and I'm sure quite a few others I'm not remembering, but you know what? Apparently some things require more than 140 characters to discuss. So let's talk about it here!

The main question is, did you or would you find out the sex of your baby before the birth?

As everyone here knows, we chose to find out at the 20-week ultrasound. Our feeling was that we would get that same moment of surprise, whether it happened then or 20 weeks later, and that it would be nice to know as soon as possible. I am not big on delayed gratification. I wanted to KNOW, and waiting for 20 extra weeks to find out when I could have known at any moment may have actually killed me.

Plus, for me, every little thing I can know about this little person before he's born helps me feel more bonded to him. Not that the fact that he is a boy means anything specific about what kind of person he will be, but just knowing that he IS a boy helps me envision him as a real little person, helps me connect with him in more concrete ways.

Also, I hated referring to the baby as "it" during the first half of pregnancy. I was SO GLAD when I could start saying "he" instead.

And, let's not even get started on how much easier it has been to get ready, buy clothes, and so forth knowing the sex of the baby.

All that said, I know that lots of people have very valid reasons for waiting to find out the sex, and I have absolutely no judgment about that whatsoever. This DEFINITELY falls into the category of a decision that parents have to make for themselves that has absolutely no bearing on anyone else.

BUT, I want to know, if you've had kids, did you find out in advance? Or if you think you will have kids, do you plan to find out in advance? And most importantly, WHY? What's the reasoning behind your decision? And, if you've made a decision about this in the past, do you think it was the right one, or do you wish you had done things differently?

48 comments:

  1. I felt the same way, and so we found out with James. For our next one I don't know if we will or not. Part of me thinks it would be fun to hold off the surprise, and now that we have all/most of the baby gear it's not like we would buy all new stuff if it was a girl. But part of me says, "you wouldn't know if you should get anything pink and frilly, and what a shame if a little baby girl couldn't wear something pink and frilly." And that's just silly. It's not like Target would close after I give birth and I'd never be able to go there again. So I don't know what my deal is.
    I'm interested to see what people say; usually you get the same reasoning behind each side, but sometimes people say something that I hadn't thought of.

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  2. We didn't find out and I'm glad. There is so much we know due to medical technology that it seems like the magic of pregnancy gets lost in all the tests, etc. I felt like the baby's gender was the only thing in life that could absolutely be a surprise. My husband wanted to find out, but I didn't and since it was my body, I won.

    I know I am alone in this, but I also find it creepy to be identifying the baby as "Jane" as soon as you find out it's a girl. We had several names picked out b/c I wanted to be sure my kid was named with a name that fit her and not just b/c I'd had the name picked out when I was 12. I was afraid that even though I wanted to name her Jane, she would come out and look like a Helga instead.

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  3. Based on other friends, bloggers and the reaction of our medical providers, we were definitely in the minority when we opted NOT to know until our baby was born. For me, there were so many other things I wanted to think about and focus on during pregnancy ... I didn't want any of it to be clouded by knowing the sex of our baby. And, as Shelly suggested, there was something magical about not knowing.

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  4. We did not find out. We wanted to be surprised. :) And we were. We both had a gut feeling it was a girl, and we were also struggling with a boy's name, and we almost didn't bother coming up with one. Good thing we did, because as you know, he's a boy! :)

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  5. We found out what we were having. My husband subscribed to the "we'll be surprised when we find out, regardless of if it's in an ultrasound or delivery room." I think I could have waited, but my husband was really adamant that we find out, and I felt like that was something I could do for him, since it was so important to him.

    Even though we found out we were having a boy, we didn't commit to a name until he was born. We talked a lot about names, were pretty sure we knew what we would name him, but wanted to hold off until we had seen him to name him. Plus, I felt like I wanted to have some element of surprise for myself and others, and holding off on the name was enough for me.

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  6. We found out with our first son and with our son due in April. My husband and I both are planners and I also think it helped with the bonding, more for my husband than for me.

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  7. I found out, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because for me waiting would have meant having one more HUGE thing to adjust to (having a daughter), in addition to all of the OTHER huge things I had to adjust to after Ava was born.

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  8. I found out in advance with my first pregnancy because I wanted to spend as much time as I could deciding her name and decorating her nursery and picking out teeny little clothes for her.

    With my 2nd pregnancy, I wanted to find out so I'd know if I needed to buy non-pink things for the new baby. I don't regret either decision.

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  9. We found out for all three of our babies and it was absolutely necessary for us to settle on a name. We had a lot of difficulty finding names that we both liked, and to have to pick out a boy name AND a girl name every time might have brought us to blows.

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  10. Having had my girls back in "the day" we did not get ultrasounds unless there was a problem. Luckily, no problems.

    Three girls, three surprises. No choice. Not sure if I would have found out. Probably. I HATE surprises.

    When I PG with the 3rd, people asked us so! many! times! if we knew the gender that my youngest would answer with a lisp, "Boy or Girl? We no no (we don't know!)"
    and we still say it to this day (she's 18 so she's tired of it but I still find it funny)OK. lame story. you had to be there.

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  11. As you know, we're not finder outers (and not name tellers, as well). And I LOVE it. There's just something about the suspense - you've just delivered your baby and your husband speaks those magical words "It's a boy!" or, you know, "It's a girl!". No other feeling like it in the world to finally know who this little person is and hold them in your arms.

    Also, I'm not a person who needs to have baby clothes washed ahead of time, the nursery painted pink or blue, and names perfectly decided upon. I had 5 white onesies when Thomas was born and that was perfect because the clothes came in spades after he was born. And while we were pretty set on our boy and girl names, we were still in discussions on the operating table.

    I loved talking to "Baby McKevitt" - and even though I was 99.9% sure he was a boy, I just loved that - like everything else in my pregnancy - there was no concrete answer. His little secret.

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  12. We didn't find out, because like others have said it helped add to the "magic," for lack of a better word. I just really wanted to hear the words, "It's a..." in that moment. I love surprises, though, so there's that. I don't feel like it affected my bond with her at all. And I didn't buy her a single stitch of clothing for her first year of life, because everyone gave us SO much stuff after THEY found out she was a girl.

    I did find it funny that people seemed almost....offended, really, that we didn't find out. Even my doctor didn't know, because the ultrasound tech was savvy with which pics she provided for my file. So that was fun. ;)

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  13. We found out each time and could not have been happier. I need to plan ahead with gender specific rooms, clothes, names, etc and it made it easier for us to find out! Plus, it was a nice way to break up the pregnancy. Like... a reward for making it halfway through you get to find out if it's a girl or a boy!

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  14. I "think" i wouldn't want to know, but who knows if that would hold were I to actually have a baby.

    I am along the lines of "there is so much we already know and plan, why not make this a little magical surprise" :)

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  15. I'm a control freak. I had to know. :) Plus, with the first one, there was much financial considerations to be made as I was single. I felt like being more prepared would make me a better mom.

    Anyway, and we found out with the rest of them, too. Mostly because if a girl had popped up, we couldn't have used the backlog of boy stuff and would have had to buy more stuff.

    It's all about the Benjamins. ;)

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  16. I wavered back and forth every time, but when it came right down to them asking during the ultrasound if I wanted to know the sex, I said no all four times. I couldn't really give you a reason; I don't think there is one. It just seemed fun to not know. I always told everyone I didn't find out because I might need a reason to give that final push to get the kid out and wanting to find out the sex would provide the motivation. :)

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  17. I felt the same way as you did at the time. I thought I'd just die if I didn't know but looking back, it was just a few more months and now that his second birthday is looming (HOW?), and we've officially decided we're done making babies (another post for another day!), I wonder if I shouldn't have been more patient, more "in the moment" during that time.

    Being pregnant is such a short, brief period of time, ultimately, and I think it's natural to spend most of it with your eyes ahead, thinking about the baby and the toddler and the kid and not that any of this is wrong (how could you really avoid thinking about some of this stuff?), but I wish I could have told myself back then that all that stuff would be wonderful in time but for the moment, I was pregnant, and I should enjoy just being pregnant.

    Reiterating some of what we tweeted, but I just wish I had been more patient with the entire process and it's a regret of mine.

    But, I think I'm sort of an exception. And I don't think it matters what anyone decides as long as they feel good about it, you know? In hindsight, I wish I had waited, but if others don't, fantastic! That's exactly as it should be: with moms and dads feeling good about their choices.

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  18. For both our children, we found out in the delivery room; with our second, we never actually got an ultrasound. I can't say for sure why...there was the surprise aspect, I suppose, although you are quite right, the information is technically a surprise no matter WHEN it happens. I think there was also an element of superstition--with our oldest, I didn't even open the packages of onesies until he was home from the hospital (note: I do NOT recommend this. I feel like I still haven't gotten caught up on the laundry glut that created). It was also a bit of a...privacy thing? Does that even make sense? It was as though the less we knew about the specifics of the baby's post-natal self, the stronger or more clothed in separateness was the bond between me and the baby.

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  19. For me, it would have been too stressful to wait. I'm fine with a surprise if I don't know it's coming, but to know there's a surprise coming, but I don't know what it is....gives me stress. I'm glad we found out Bud was a boy because it gave me time to come to terms with him being a junior, something I wasn't totally on board with. And then the second time around, we needed to know what to buy--it it was a girl, I NEEDED pink and frilly. By the 3rd it didn't really matter, and I just knew all along that she was a girl, but due to my original reasoning above, we found out.

    If I ever had another, we'd find out again.

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  20. We made the decision to wait until delivery to find out the sex. I have never regretted it for a moment, although it was REALLY hard to have that "Why's this baby so big?" ultrasound at 35 weeks and not find out then. THAT was a huge temptation!

    When we have another child, I think that we'll wait to find out until delivery. There was nothing in the world like my husband peeking over the drape and then telling me "It's Madeline" and then having her RIGHT THERE, immediately. It was hands-down the best moment of my life.

    And as for preparing... we had plenty of "stuff" for her, mostly yellow and green and beige, and we bought a few gender-specific outfits. But once she was born? MOUNTAINS of pink and purple were delivered to the hotel. MOUNTAINS. I hadn't expected that in the least, but it really made the whole "what will he/she wear?" thing irrelevant in my case.

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  21. Hahahaha, I said "hotel" when obviously "hospital" was the word I needed... although it IS a little hotel-y, what with the friendly nurses and the food-on-demand... :)

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  22. We didn't find out with any of my three. Part of it was that we wanted the anticipation to build as long as possible. Another part of it was just enjoying each of the pregnancies without it being about the 'stuff'.

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  23. I did not find out with any of my three. I just liked the "mystery" of it all. To me, it was part of the "charm" of being pregnant (I really did--for the most part--have very lovely pregnancies). I...LIKE suspense. And I didn't feel any problems bonding with those squirmy babies in my body AT ALL. And really, for buying stuff, the neutral-gender stuff was just as cute as the gender-specific stuff. (And no way would I have bought a pink ANYTHING with the first, anyway, knowing that I was planning to have another eventually.) And well, folks sent gender-specific gifts after the babies were born, so it's not as if the babies were wearing yellow/green their whole first year. :-)

    My husband did insist on finding out the sex of the third. I probably could have fought HIM off, but my father and grandmother were there for the ultrasound, too, so I got beat out. But since *I* did not want to know, I turned my head while the sonographer showed everyone else. I sorta figured it out from their comments, but I was never really sure, so I still had the mystery, magic, and suspense that I love about the whole thing.

    I do get why people find out--no judging here! But I'm still glad I didn't.

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  24. My sister-in-law waited and it was amazing how many people gave her a hard time. It was her choice and she was glad she waited. I think she wanted to delay the "baby" part and enjoy the pregnancy part. I also think she really liked the idea of hearing "It's a ____" in the delivery room.

    However, I could not wait. I felt very much like you did - that finding out the sex of the child would help me bond with him and also help me plan the clothes buying portion of the festivities. I distinctly remember the feeling of going into the ultrasound knowing I was having this hypothetical baby and leaving the room with a son.

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  25. I wanted to know. My husband did not. We each got our way -- I knew but was forbidden to tell anyone.

    I had a rough first 20 wks and we had a hard time conceiving so getting a bonus halfway through was my trump card and my reward to myself. Also, though I was delighted to find out which flavor of baby we were having, I wanted to know before the birth so that I could mourn the loss of what we weren't having without guilt, if that makes sense. It was a great help to me to bond with our baby knowing the gender, and get excited about who was coming. If we have another child I will want to know for all the same reasons and also b/c I will want to know how much of baby 1's things can be recycled. :)

    No, I never let it slip to my husband. I had to pretend to take both the boy and girl naming discussions seriously. It was AWESOME to have my own secret as my pregnancy became so much more public as the weeks went on.

    I completely understand all viewpoints on the "finding out" spectrum. I think it's just a matter of figuring out where you fall on it, and then if baby is cooperative and gives up the goods if requested before birth!

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  26. Although we're still undecided on babies, I'm torn on finding out the gender. Like others, I find birth to be so medicalized now, so I love the surprise of finding out at delivery (I know my husband's on that side).

    That said, I'm a MAJOR planner. Not knowing and being able to shop beforehand would drive me crazy. I'm not sure why I think that though, because there is nothing wrong with green/yellow items for baby.

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  27. I found out at 20 weeks with both pregnancies. I feel the opposite of Shelly Overlook - the sex of the baby is the only thing you can actually know ahead of time! You don't know if the baby will be bald or have lots of hair, what color the hair will be, what color the eyes will be, how big the baby will be, if the baby will be calm or crazy, etc. And adjusting to being a mom was really hard for me - it was nice to already be adjusted to having a boy or girl.

    It was also nice to have something before the birth to look forward to and celebrate.

    If we have more kids, I would find out at 20 weeks again.

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  28. I don't have kids, but when that time comes, I do not want to find out the sex. I think in a world that is nothing but technology, it's one of the last few things I can be traditional about. If my husband wants to find out, well he'll have to wait. I'll be the one carrying the kid. I don't think it would affect the bond I have with the kid knowing it's a girl or boy. You can still prepare for baby without knowing the sex. I mean, how did our parents prepare? Half the excitement is the anticipation of wondering what the sex is and imagining what life will be like with a boy or girl. And mom blogs I read all picture pretty gender neutral nurseries and not the old gaudy frilly girl room or overwhelming blue boy room. And you don't have to refer to the baby as "it" before it's born. Clearly you already call it "Piglet". Knowing the gender shouldn't seem to matter with the bonding. It's your baby. That's all that should matter.

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  29. I'm a major planner, worrier, overthinker--so I had to find out. I just had to know so I wouldn't drive myself insane for the next 20 weeks.
    But I totally understand why some people would wait. It's one of the few times in your life you can have that pure surprise/joy/emotion all mixed together. To me though, I had enough of the emotion even knowing it was a HE.

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  30. I am 8 months pregnant with our first baby, and I DID NOT want to find out. I like surprises and thought it would be fun. But my husband desperately wanted to know, and I thought knowing would help him bond, so we found out. EXCEPT we haven't told anyone at all - and that has been really fun! (Everyone thinks that we didn't find out, just so they wouldn't try to "catch" us) It is more fun than I thought it would be hearing everyone's guesses and knowing the right answer! We are still getting gender-neutral everything, because I want to reuse for future kids anyway- but I did buy a special "coming home" outfit that is gender specific. In the end, I think this was a fun compromise. I don't know what we'll do for future children, but I don't think we'll ever tell anyone else, even if we know. It's just too fun!

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  31. You are so in the home stretch, enjoy the last few weeks of being pregnant!!

    My daughter is 3 months old and we did NOT find out--I had convinced myself it was a boy. Towards the end of my pregnancy the Dr. slipped a bit and I realized that it was probably a girl. I had to put myself in the mindset that it COULD be a girl and not to be disappointed (CRAZY pregnancy hormones, no?).

    The feeling in the delivery room was amazing and when the Dr. came into the room at the very end (the VERY end) and said, oh, baby will be here in two pushes, I wanted nothing but to get that baby out! The pain went away and I was focused on my task at hand ;) We are so in love with her, she fits perfectly into our lives and I can't imagine my life without her. Also, seeing my husband with her just melts my heart!

    I second about the gender specific clothes. My friends and family were so generous at the showers, I was not expecting everyone to buy her a gift after she was born!! She has a closet full of pink, purple and lots of monogrammed dresses :)

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  32. We didn't find out, and I was really happy with that. The reasons I liked it, some of which I knew beforehand and others I didn't:
    - I didn't want to be inundated with pink if it was a girl. (which we had.) I like pink clothes as much as the next person, but I liked buying gender-neutral baby jams and onesies and waiting until afterwards to add stuff that expressed a gender. You'd be surprised how much stuff crosses over.
    - Pregnancy and parenthood felt very public to me and to my husband, and we were both pretty determined to make as many things private and about us as possible. Not finding out the sex and not being able to tell anyone and not having people ask over and over what its name was was a big part of this.
    - While I think it's true that some people judge, old people everywhere LOVE YOU. Everyone over the age of 50 I encountered was just THRILLED that we were not finding out, which I found mostly hilarious but kind of nice.
    - My husband super didn't want to know, and believes it's the last true secret available, and there is no way that I could have found out and not told him. NONE. Plus I think he enjoys being sort of but not really judgmental about it, if that makes sense (as in, honestly doesn't care what other people do at all but likes feeling he's right).
    - I read somewhere that they're only accurate about 90% of the time, and the thought of finding out and having it be wrong just seemed awful to me - we had a friend who thought they were having a boy and got to the hospital with all boy clothes and no girl name and a baby girl. Not finding out seemed clearly superior to finding out incorrectly.
    - I liked the "it's a girl!" moment, though in our case, the doctor didn't know that we didn't know and forgot to tell us until the nurse reminded her, which was awesome in and of itself.

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  33. Oh I had to know! There was no way I wasn't going to find out. Like you, I wanted to be able to say he/she and once we found out they were two boys I immediately felt more bonded knowing " who" I was carrying. Plus it helped me because I was so shocked I was having two boys that I had time to adjust my thinking.
    I am amazed that people can wait to find out.

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  34. The comments are so! interesting! We found out the first time and I was definitely finding out the second time because I really wanted a girl and I was afraid of being disappointed in the delivery room if we waited. Which is HORRIBLE, I KNOW, but the idea sort of haunted me and I HAD TO KNOW. (And happily for me, I had a girl!) But if we have a third I'd like to not find out. We have one of each, we have all the stuff, we don't care if it's a he or she and it just sounds sort of fun. I like what Jennie said about being patient through the process - I think I could have used more of that too.

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  35. I'm totally going to find out! Knowing the gender makes naming and getting ready so fun! I look forward to that. I feel like it breaks up the excitement of the pregnancy... you find out you're pregnant (woo! yay! hurrah!)... then get to the milestone when you find out the gender (more woo! more yay! more hurrah!)... and then the exciting day when the baby comes! (woo hoo! big YAY! HURRAHHH!).

    I think it's a great idea, and it's soooo fun when someone you know tells you the gender when they're pregnant... I find it extra exciting hearing about their pregnancy when they get to share the gender news, and then you also know what gifts to buy ahead of time.

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  36. I just really....cannot....imagine...not finding out. I think your pregnancy is just as magical knowing the gender. I think that's kind of a weird argument against finding out.

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  37. We didn't find out because we knew we would have the surprise at 20 weeks or 40 weeks and the dreaming about who (and what sex) our little one would be was really nice. It was fun to bond so much to the little one growing inside me without the idea of it being a boy or girl. That said, I would be fine finding out for the next baby but it's really important to my husband to wait (I think he likes doing old fashioned things) so we'll wait again.

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  38. I just had my 20 week U/S at the end of December. We did find out. I desperately, desperately wanted a girl, and I wanted to find out so that if there was any disappointment on that front, I would be well over it by the time he is born. (Yes, he!) I'm so glad I found out - he will be so very loved and I am already excited and can't wait to meet my little boy - those few fleeting moments of disappointment that I do admit I did have, will be well in the past by the time he is born.

    All the best for your baby's birth, you must be beside yourself with excitement. (I remember reading when you first got pregnant and wishing that could happen to me, as we expected to have no children!!! But, surprise surprise, ours will be here in 18 weeks.)

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  39. Hi! Been reading your blog for ages now, but never commented before. No idea why?

    I am an Indian. Asian-Indian :). In India its actually against the law to find out the sex of your child because of the high rate of Female Infanticide.

    But like you, I would hate to refer to my child as a thing. And it would make life so much easier if I knew the gender :P

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  40. We wanted both times to know the sex, just more so to know who we were talking about and pick out a name and dream about him/her. I would find out again all over again if we had more kids.

    When my mom had us, she didn't know with me, but knew with my brother.

    I think I had more of a problem with the people who made it known that they thought i SHOULDN'T have found out. (COWORKERS.) I was like I'm sorry it's really not your decision and thanks for raining on my happy we found out what we're having day.

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  41. Being 14 weeks pregnant right now, I am dying to find out the sex. I just see that 20 week mark as a huge milestone. Can. Not. Wait.

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  42. We found out (i'm just now 20 weeks and the big ultrasound was a few days ago) I wanted to know and so did hubby but we really needed to find out for big sister (who is 5). She REALLY wanted a baby sister but she's getting a baby brother and now we have time to prep her before she's even more jealous of the new addition :)

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  43. We found out with Lucy, and we will do so with any subsequent pregnancies. We felt the same as you -- it's a surprise whether you wait or find out at 20 weeks.

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  44. I never found out with any of mine, and I'm due with my third in February. Just call me old fashioned!

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  45. Found out each time for the reasons other people have given, but also, even if I did like to be surprised, for me, gender is by no means the biggest surprise. My kids' personalities, and their person-ness (yeah, I know it's not a word), blows my mind several times a week, still, and the oldest is 10.

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  46. With our 1st we did not find out, but we did with our 2nd. Our reasoning was 1) how many times in your life do you get that kind of anticipation? We really wanted to relish those 9 months of knowing nothing other then that the baby was (most likely) healthy. 2) we didn't want to get a million pink frilly things if it was a girl... I'm not a big fan of pink in the first place and I wanted to focus on having a BABY, not a gender. 3) I knew that whatever it was, people would ask, even before the child was born, so will you be trying again for {opposite gender} ? And you already get enough annoying questions. 4) We knew we would be having a 2nd child some day and wanted at least the newborn stuff, all the toys/gear and bedding to be gender neutral so it could be used again. It's much easier to do that (and request neutral gifts) when you don't know the sex. And 5) when we mentioned that we weren't finding out our OB/Midwife office went nuts...NO ONE else was doing that! So it almost became kind of a challenge. I will say that my one and only pregnancy dream was of me with a girl, but I had so fully convinced myself that "Baby D" was a boy that I was truly surprised in the delivery room when my husband shouted "it's a girl!"

    For MAD, it was much more a practical thing. We had tons of pink/dresses/girly stuff from 6m-3T and as soon as I was pregnant I wanted to DO SOMETHING with it. I couldn't wait to find out the sex so I could donate/sell all those clothes if need be. For me the nesting started early with pregnancy #2 and I wanted that storage room CLEAN.

    Now that I'm on the flip side, I'm really glad I got to experience it both ways. Both had pros and cons and I feel like I'm lucky to have had both experiences.

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  47. CP refuses to find out (yes, we have had this conversation even though we are not pregnant), I want to find out. I want the time to prepare myself for either a boy or girl to think about all of the things that come with either gender. It is going to be quite a battle when we do get preggers.

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