He's here!

And he is wonderful.

Callum Michael
Monday, January 24, 2011 at 5:29 p.m.
8 pounds, 12 ounces - 20.5 inches long

The waiting game

It's weird to go from wanting the baby to stay right where he is, please don't go anywhere, to suddenly getting to the point where you would actively like him to come out. I'm doing well with the whole patience thing, helped by the fact that I am still not uncomfortable physically. But I'm starting to really look forward to the part where we actually have a baby.

It's weird, how it changes. This entire pregnancy my goal has been for Piglet's birthday to be January 20-anything, and, well, today is January 21. We've hit our goal and so suddenly I've gone from assuming that I will not be in labor anytime soon to realizing that it could start at any point. Suddenly the idea that it could still be a week and a half before he's born makes me feel like a week and a half is a very long time.

And, once you've given yourself carte blanche to go into labor? You start noticing things like contractions, nausea, twinges. Things that have been going on during the entire pregnancy take on a whole new meaning once you're past your due date. So far, I've had no major labor signs, and the stuff that people say could or could not mean that labor will start soon? Well, for me that stuff has definitely fallen into the category of "not so much."

I am also THRILLED that I am past my due date. I've been wanting to go late, hoping to go late, wondering if I'd go late... and now I've gone late. This baby is officially overdue, as planned. And now it's all up to him when he's going to stop cooking and come on out.

(Plus, Torsten has an important business meeting this morning, and we've been wondering all week if he'd have to cancel it or not. Dear Piglet, thanks for letting your dad make it to this one. You are already showing yourself to be a very considerate little kid, and you aren't even here yet.)

This is a good exercise in patience for me. Sometimes I start thinking about what it will be like to finally meet this baby, hold him, see him, smell him, cuddle him, BE with him, and I feel overwhelmed with a surge of love and excitement and NOW NOW NOW I want this to happen NOW.

But for the most part I am doing well reminding myself that he will come when he's good and ready. There's no rush. I will NOT be pregnant forever, and in the grand scheme of things a few days more or less won't make a difference. So he can come when he wants.

And it seems that "when he wants" isn't "now." So just as a PSA, everyone can hold off on refreshing my Twitter stream and Facebook profile for at least another few hours. Just saying.

On my due date*

*Since people keep asking: Technically I hit 40 weeks yesterday. But my midwives have my due date listed as today. So let's just call it a 48-hour due date, shall we?

There seems to be a Friends episode to fit every occasion, right? And until I got pregnant, I would have thought that the one exception to this would be pregnancy. Because everyone knows that sitcoms absolutely fail at portraying a realistic pregnancy. And that's true! It totally is! Sitcom pregnancies are not realistic AT ALL.

For example, sitcom characters suddenly feel the baby kicking one day, yell out, "The baby just kicked for the first time!" and everyone gathers around and they can all feel it and it's magical and wonderful. Whereas in reality, at least for me, it was weeks of wait, was that a kick? Or a gas bubble? I think that was a kick. Oh god I haven't felt anything for days. Maybe that wasn't a kick last week after all. OK I'm almost positive that was a kick. OK now it's four weeks later, I'm sure these are kicks, Torsten put your hand here so you can feel it. Oh wait it stopped. OK try again. Damn, it stopped again. OK it's another four weeks later just PUT YOUR DAMN HAND ON MY BELLY AND LEAVE IT THERE UNTIL THE BABY KICKS I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES ALL DAY.

And let's not even start on how every sitcom character's water breaks all of a sudden in a very inconvenient place, and then they rush off to the hospital and have a baby. I don't think I even need to bother describing how infrequently THAT particular scenario occurs.

The point is, I think you'll probably all be able to relate to the eye-rolling I've always done during the episode of Friends where Rachel gets to her due date and gives the little speech about how she's just loved being pregnant, and she's really going to miss it.

And I still roll my eyes, just a little, when I see that scene because again, I know how rare it is to feel that way by the time you're 40 weeks pregnant. Most women are wildly uncomfortable and impatient at that point and just want the baby OUT OUT OUT.

So, all of this is just a giant preamble, the point of which is: I will totally forgive you if you roll your eyes during the next part of this post. Because I know my experience is rare, and I'm incredibly lucky.

But I genuinely have loved being pregnant. Not every bit of it--morning sickness specifically comes to mind--and certainly there have been inconveniences and discomforts. And I'm looking forward to being able to sleep on my back again, and to not waking up five times per night to pee, and to being able to eat sashimi.

But I have had an easy, uncomplicated pregnancy, at least so far. I'm still sleeping fine. I don't feel impatient. My discomforts have been mild--and I've been so thrilled about being pregnant that for the most part (other than the few weeks early on when I felt seasick round the clock) I haven't really minded them. They were expected--in fact, I was expecting far worse--but what I wasn't expecting was how much I would like the good parts. Like how very, incredibly great the good parts would actually be.

I LOVE baby kicks. (Though I will say, I decidedly DO NOT love baby hiccups.) I love knowing that I'm growing a person. I love that everywhere I go, Piglet comes along for the ride. I love being asked about my pregnancy and talking about it. I love preparing for a baby and dreaming about a baby and knowing that soon there will actually BE a baby. And I feel such a bond with this baby. Every time he kicks I feel like we're having a private little communication. I love that I get the privilege of having him with me all the time.

I know that a future pregnancy of mine will probably not be like this, because no two pregnancies are alike, not to mention that I won't have all this time to sleep and relax and get ready, because there will be another child to take care of. And that's OK too. I'm just really grateful that I got to experience this first pregnancy the way that I did, that I got so lucky, that it's been such a positive experience for me.

Now let's hope that whenever Piglet decides to make his appearance, parenting a newborn will turn out to be similarly, surprisingly great.

39.5 weeks

I am really convinced that I'm going to go late with this baby. And apparently I've done a good job convincing others of that as well, because so far I've more or less avoided the scourge of being asked every 10 seconds if I'm in labor yet.

(Though I did take an Internet break this past weekend to avoid having NFL scores spoiled for me, since we TiVoed the playoff games, and came back to several messages wondering if my silence was due to being, you know, at the hospital in labor. But I can't complain, because I wonder the same thing about other pregnant women who are near their due dates when they disappear.)

Anyway, for the record: I'm still here. Still pregnant, still working. Still not uncomfortable. Still not noticing any major progress that would imply that labor is just around the corner. Still totally, completely, utterly fine with that.

(Though as pseudostoops and I discussed yesterday, if he came on or before his due date, his birth date would be a palindrome, and that would be pretty cool. But he's already missed the chance to have his birthday be 1-11-11, so I'm guessing a cool birth date isn't very high on his list of priorities right now.)

Anyway, yes. The kid is still inside me, I am still totally fine with that, and I am so so so incredibly grateful to be fine with it. I know that most women who are just days from their due date are miserable and desperate for the baby to just come out already. I do not feel that way. I am really not even uncomfortable at all. And feel so incredibly lucky to be able to say that.

But yes, I fully expect to be able to take a belly photo on my due date, with the baby still inside me. So if I disappear from Twitter again this weekend, don't worry: it's just because of football. We like to watch the games on a delay so we can fast forward through the commercials.

But to tide you over, here we are at 39 weeks, the baby and me. Lesson from all this: in any subsequent pregnancies, use a longer shirt for the belly photo series.

To find out the sex ahead of time

This started as a Twitter conversation among myself, Jonna, Nic, Marie Green, Jennie, and I'm sure quite a few others I'm not remembering, but you know what? Apparently some things require more than 140 characters to discuss. So let's talk about it here!

The main question is, did you or would you find out the sex of your baby before the birth?

As everyone here knows, we chose to find out at the 20-week ultrasound. Our feeling was that we would get that same moment of surprise, whether it happened then or 20 weeks later, and that it would be nice to know as soon as possible. I am not big on delayed gratification. I wanted to KNOW, and waiting for 20 extra weeks to find out when I could have known at any moment may have actually killed me.

Plus, for me, every little thing I can know about this little person before he's born helps me feel more bonded to him. Not that the fact that he is a boy means anything specific about what kind of person he will be, but just knowing that he IS a boy helps me envision him as a real little person, helps me connect with him in more concrete ways.

Also, I hated referring to the baby as "it" during the first half of pregnancy. I was SO GLAD when I could start saying "he" instead.

And, let's not even get started on how much easier it has been to get ready, buy clothes, and so forth knowing the sex of the baby.

All that said, I know that lots of people have very valid reasons for waiting to find out the sex, and I have absolutely no judgment about that whatsoever. This DEFINITELY falls into the category of a decision that parents have to make for themselves that has absolutely no bearing on anyone else.

BUT, I want to know, if you've had kids, did you find out in advance? Or if you think you will have kids, do you plan to find out in advance? And most importantly, WHY? What's the reasoning behind your decision? And, if you've made a decision about this in the past, do you think it was the right one, or do you wish you had done things differently?

That whole "just adopt" thing

Here is a pet peeve of mine: people who judge others for going through infertility treatment. And ESPECIALLY when those judgey people say or imply that those who experience challenges in getting or staying pregnant should "just adopt."

I almost feel ridiculous writing a blog post about this, because it seems SO OBVIOUS to me. And YET, from the stories that friends of mine who have struggled with infertility have told me, it is apparently NOT obvious to some people, AT ALL.

First of all, let's discuss adoption. I have no experience with adoption whatsoever. But it is an option that we find interesting, and have done some research into. And just the RESEARCH, just the mildly curious "hey I wonder what it would entail for us to do this someday" Googling, is ALREADY exhausting. ALL forms of adoption are difficult. International and domestic private adoption are incredibly expensive. Even adopting publicly in the U.S., through the foster system, while it is not as prohibitively priced as other types of adoption, is a slow, painful, sometimes emotionally devastating process.

Here are some of the things that can happen when you try to adopt:

• You go into serious debt, and/or spend all of your savings.
• You spend years going through bureaucracy and paperwork.
• You think you're going to get to adopt a certain child, and then it falls through, leading to heartbreak.
• You don't end up with a child until years and years have passed, if ever.
• You end up with a child with special needs that require a very specific parenting skill set, one that you may or may not be equipped to handle.
• A child comes to your home well past infancy, often with emotional or psychological issues related to past trauma or difficult early life experiences.
• As you raise the child, you have to work with them to carefully address questions of where they came from, why they aren't there anymore, and what this means for them in the future.
• So many, many, many other complicated situations that I cannot even begin to envision.

I'm not saying that adoption is bad, or that these obstacles are insurmountable, or that they should deter people who are interested in adopting from pursuing it. Not at all. But what I AM saying is that adopting can be a very slow, difficult, challenging, expensive thing to do, and it is NEVER so simple as telling someone to "just do it." Because it can't "just" be done. There is NO "just" about it.

So if people WANT to adopt, that's great. But if they DON'T want to adopt? There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. There are all different ways to form a family, and some of them are right for some people, and others are right for other people, but EVERY FAMILY has to figure out what would work for THEM. And adoption is not right for everyone.

PLUS, and this is the part that I feel should be EVEN MORE OBVIOUS, and yet apparently IS NOT, why should people who have trouble with infertility be the ones who are told to adopt? Why is there this line in the sand? So often, I see or hear people say that they think it's selfish for a couple to pursue fertility treatments when there are already so many children out there who need a home. Which, first of all, I've already discussed why "children who need a home" does not equate to "just adopt!" So it's not as simple as, "Oh, I have a home, and they need a home, let's just put the two together, and we're done!"

But second of all, if it's selfish to pursue pregnancy when there are already kids out there who need parents, why is it only selfish for people who have to work harder for their pregnancies? Why is it not selfish for me to have gotten pregnant? Just because we happened to be lucky enough to have it occur quickly and without assistance? That has nothing to do with us, or with our ability to parent. It doesn't change the fact that we decided to create a person instead of bringing an already-existing person who needs a home into our family.

The point is, whether or not it's selfish to create people instead of adopting people is COMPLETELY UNRELATED to how much work it takes any given person to create another person. There is not some magic threshold, like, "Oh, she got pregnant right away, so that's OK then," whereas, "Oh, he had a medical issue that made it impossible for them to get pregnant without assistance, so they sought medical treatment that allowed them to become pregnant, HOW DARE THEY DO THAT INSTEAD OF ADOPT." There is NO DIFFERENCE. In both cases, the couple decided they wanted to be pregnant, and took the necessary steps to achieve that goal. And it is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT that there were MORE steps involved for one couple than the other.

And that is before we even consider that there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to be pregnant. It is utterly indescribable to me how cool it is to be pregnant. To GROW a person. To create a person who will share my genes and Torsten's. To KNOW everything that has happened to this little person in the entire course of his existence, to know what his prenatal experience was like. To get to anticipate giving birth to him and raising him from the minute he comes into the world. To get to bond with him and have skin-to-skin contact with him from the day he is born. To not have to worry that someone else will exercise their last-minute right to take him away from me. To know that I MADE this person, that he is the product of the love that my husband and I share, that we get to experience him together. That he is part of both of us and also his own self, all at once.

So PLEASE. Let us all recognize that everyone has the right to seek the family they wish to have, in whatever form that may take, using whatever steps are necessary to get there. Adoption is a wonderful thing. So are pregnancy and childbirth. Neither one is for everyone. Everybody needs to make their own decision about what is right for their family. And "how hard it is to get pregnant" is not an acceptable factor for anyone to use when judging how others put their families together.

Nursery photos! FINALLY.

The nursery is done! Literally, truly, wholly done. The last thing we were waiting for was a print of one of our maternity photos to frame, and now that has arrived and we've hung it. And every little detail is in place.

And that means that, at last, I can show you photos of our work. You guys, this is the first room that I have ever DECORATED, like with a VISION and a PLAN. There's no theme, per se, other than "turquoise walls and yellow accents," but I am SO HAPPY with how it came together. Torsten and I both love this room. So does Montana, for that matter. And we can only hope that Piglet will as well.

Let's all just refresh our memories as to how the room looked when we got started:


And here it is now, from the very same doorway:


And another angle:


Prints from one of my favorite Etsy sellers:


Decals over the crib:


And the bookshelf (that stuffed lamb on the top shelf belonged to my uncle Michael, after whom Piglet will get his middle name):


Now all we need is a baby, and then the room will REALLY be complete.

Playlist for childbirth

Well. Happy 2011, everyone. 2011 is also known around these parts as The Year of the Baby. And also, January is known as the Month of the Baby. (Unless he is so late that I have to be induced, which could theoretically happen as late as February 1. And while I would like to avoid being induced if at all possible, at least if he comes in February his birthstone will be an amethyst, am I right?)

Anyway! It's my Due Month, and in fact my due date is just over two weeks away, and that means that at some point in the next few weeks, there will be, you know, a baby here in our house. But before he can come to our house in his car seat, he'll have to get out of my uterus. As in, I have to, you know, give birth.

I actually feel somewhat prepared for this. We did a Bradley class, which was immensely helpful for both of us. I am hoping to have a natural, unmedicated birth, but am also keeping in mind that a lot of what will happen during the birth is well beyond anyone's control, and that the important thing is to adapt to the situation and make the best possible decisions for our individual circumstances. Assuming there are no unexpected complications, there will be a birthing tub involved. Torsten and the midwife (and the nurses) will be the only other people there. I know I'm probably insane, and I understand that this will be one of the most intense and challenging experiences of my life, but I am actually excited about giving birth. Like, I'm looking forward not just to finally meeting Piglet (though that too, believe me), but to the actual process of labor. Really, I am.

We've written a birth plan and shared it with our midwives, who are totally on board with it and say that it is quite feasible and attainable. We've packed the hospital bag. The nursery is done (and photos are forthcoming! I promise). So now we're on to the small details. Like the music. And that's where you come in.

I do not have particularly sophisticated or in-depth musical taste, even just for, you know, listening in the car. We do have a subscription to Rhapsody, and that is usable in the hospital, which means that we will have access to almost any music you can think of, giving us lots of flexibility in case I take violently against something and demand to hear something else that I have never listened to before in my life. I also know that perhaps I will hate the music and insist that it be shut off entirely.

But assuming that I don't hate the music, I have no idea what kind of music I will actually want to hear. I want to put together a playlist, or maybe multiple playlists? Like a more energetic one and a more soothing one? I don't even know. Having never given birth, I have no idea what kind of music is best suited to labor.

Of course, I assume that the answer to that question is that it depends very much on the individual, but I still want to benefit from your collective knowledge. So tell me, what did you want during labor, music- and atmosphere-wise? Did you want music at all? What kind? Any specific artists or songs? Was there anything you just couldn't stand? If you put together a playlist in advance, did it end up being what you wanted to hear in the middle of it all? Should we bother making a playlist, or more than one? And if so, what should we put on it (them)?