Thursday, June 10, 2010

On adoption and fostering

I've been thinking more and more about adoption recently. We all know I have baby fever; while I wait impatiently to get to the point in our lives where we are ready to move from fever to reality, I like to distract myself by thinking about all the different ways we can have a child. This is also the only thing that makes me feel better about the possibility of not being able to get pregnant.

For the longest time, I was very interested in international adoption. I still find it a very intriguing option. I have a coworker who's been in the middle of the international adoption process since before I started this job nearly three years ago. They were focusing on one country, I forget which, maybe Vietnam, and then that fell through and they had to start over, and they ended up going with Ethiopia. And now, finally, they've been assigned a child, a baby boy. They leave on Monday to go to Ethiopia to pick him up. She will be taking five months off for maternity leave. I am so thrilled for her, so so thrilled, and can only imagine the struggles she and her husband have endured throughout this process. And the money they've paid. And the heartache. But now, the child they've been waiting for since at least 2007.

I'm thrilled for them. But I'm not sure I want to go down that path myself. And, as I mentioned recently, I wonder about some of the ethics of the process as well. My feeling is that those ethical concerns could be resolved, addressed, dealt with. But do we want to do that? I really, really like the idea of adopting through the U.S. foster system. Or fostering through it.

There's a website, AdoptUsKids, that features children available for fostering and adoption through the foster system. The website makes me a little uncomfortable in some ways--it seems almost like a pet adoption website for people, and that bothers me. But, I also find it fascinating. I have spent a lot of time looking at the profiles of some of the kids in the system, both in Colorado and around the country.

The site doesn't feature anywhere close to all the kids in the system. It has about 100 Colorado children listed, and I read in the paper recently that there's something like 6,000-7,000 kids in the Colorado foster system right now. So it's not like it's only these kids that are available. But they are probably a decently representative sample.

And from what I can tell, the younger the child, the more likely it is to have severe medical and/or developmental problems. In fact, if you search in Colorado for kids ages 4 and under, I don't think a single one appears on this site without a statement saying that they need significant medical support. In many cases the profile states that the child is unlikely to ever be able to live independently. And of course it's extra painful to read when the profile says that the medical problems are due to "non-accidental injury."

So, if we adopted through the foster system, would we want a younger child? Probably, right? If you adopt a kid you usually want her as young as possible so you can raise her and see her grow, right? But do we want, and could we support, a child with severe handicaps? My inclination is to say no, we wouldn't necessarily be the right family for that child. But then say I got pregnant and gave birth to a child with severe medical problems. We wouldn't be equipped to deal with them, at first... but we would get there, right? We would educate ourselves and learn to care for the child and advocate for her. So shouldn't we be open to doing the same for an adopted child? Is it somehow immoral to feel that we would do this for a child we conceived but not one we adopted?

I think mostly it isn't. We would never choose to give birth to a child with severe handicaps if we could help it, and I think it makes sense not to choose to adopt a child with similar problems. But, I will say, if someday we do have a child with medical issues, we would then become equipped to help other children with similar issues, and in that circumstance maybe we would make an excellent foster family for some of these kids with the major issues.

But as we are now, I don't see it happening. We recognize that any child that comes through the foster system will have baggage. No child will have been taken away from his family and come to a new family without adjustment issues and probably some emotional and behavioral problems as well. I think we accept that as a given when we think about adopting through this system. And I think we'd be fine with that. In fact, I think we'd be good at dealing with it.

But if we want to adopt a kid that doesn't have major medical difficulties, it looks like either we'd hold out for lightning in a jar in the form of one of the very few younger children who doesn't have medical problems, or we'd adopt an older child. And I have to say, reading the profiles of the older kids? It kind of kills me. Like one profile says that the boy went camping once and it was basically the highlight of his life. And another says that the kid dreams of owning a dog one day.

These are simple dreams, you know? These are kids who want basic kid things, the kind of things that all of us envision providing for our children. Camping trips and pets and all sorts of enrichment, for sure, but more than that, too. Love and nurturing and also limits and boundaries.

We don't have any parenting experience, but I think we'd be good at that. And I hope one day we get the opportunity to do it, whether we adopt a child in the near future or foster a kid at some point down the road. Or both.

23 comments:

  1. Reading about the foster kids kind of makes my heart hurt. :(

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  2. I'm with you, in two minds about the whole thing. It may be something we end up doing in the future if my fertility becomes an issue, or it may not. I'm keeping as open minded as possible. It's just a shame that it's so costly, is all. I get why it is but really? Most couples will spend money on fertility treatments first, and to then go through the adoption process is just.. all so costly. It's really sad.

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  3. there are a lot of things to think about in the adoption/foster realm. i worked for an agency down in Denver that does both processes....both adoption and linking foster families. you are right, sometimes the process is rough. but sometimes, it is easy. it just depends on how the journey was meant to play out. i think the idea of fostering is wonderful. there are younger children in the system, and you are right, they do have baggage, but it definitely doesn't exclude them from living a great life in a great situation. you are right to be thinking of all this in such depth. it's hard.

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  4. In response to Breathe Gently: I don't know why it is so expensive. Do you? The cost seems so prohibitive, which doesn't make sense to me at all. Don't we want to make it easier for families to adopt older and special needs children?

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  5. It's SUCH an absorbing topic. I have a good friend who's looking into adopting an older child, and I like to hear EVERY! SINGLE! DETAIL! She found there's a huge controversy about whether it's okay to adopt a child "out of birth order" or not (that is, she has two children and they're looking to adopt a child OLDER than those two children, and lots of people say that's not okay).

    I sometimes fantasize about adopting a child the same age as the twins, or the same age as Henry, because it seems like that might be a way to make the transition easiest for everyone.

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  6. We've considered adoption as a possibility should I not be able to have bio kids. And I've always been open to adopting an older kid. There's something about skipping the bottles and bed wetting and daycare costs the blends well with where we are in life right now. Kind of like adopting a 1-year old dog instead of a puppy - I'll happily leave the house training to someone else. =)

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  7. I think it really depends on where you are in your life and what you think you're capable of. If you're not ready and able, there is absolutely no shame in being able to admit that.

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  8. I have some friends who entered the system to foster children. Having never been parents before, they were given two brothers (7 and 8) with severe emotional problems stemming from neglect and abuse. They tried their hardest to take care of the boys but they had simply not been equipped to deal with the struggles the boys were having. The boys finally had to be put in a different home (a therapy home). It made me think that it might be best to have some parenting experience or some sort of therapy experience before taking on children with such challenges.
    But it's a dilemma because there are so many foster children who need homes and from my friends' experience, it was obvious that the social services system they were working in was a bit chaotic too.
    I'm sure every person's experience is different and every child is different and as 'justme' says, every child should have the opportunity to live in a healthy home. Unfortunately, many will never have the chance.

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  9. I've been thinking about this for yeeeears. If we adopt I think it will be when our kids are older, say high school, and we'll be in a position to care for children with high or special needs. I THINK. I don't know. But this is how I imagine it right now.

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  10. god, i just spent 10 minutes reading the profiles for kids in the dc area and i'm like 5 minutes away from signing up to be a foster parent now. my heart hurts.

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  11. Holy cow - 6- 7,000 kids in the foster program in Colorado alone?!?! I had no idea. Oh, this just sickens me.

    I've thought about fostering, but don't know if I could do it. I just know I'd end up adopting. Every last one of the foster kids.

    Oh, my heart hurts.

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  12. You made me teary. My parents when I was four or five (making my sister two or three) took in a foster kid for the holidays. Also a Christine. My mom was *this* close to fostering her forever with an adoption down the line, but Christine kept talking about how her other brothers and sisters would love the gifts that my parents gave her, so my parents decided against it. I think it still breaks my mother's heart.

    I know that if/when we choose to have kids, we will be adopting in some form, preferably domestically, but whether through open adoption or the foster system, we don't know. I think we'll likely just play it by ear. There are so many kids out there and they all deserve a home. It almost feels selfish (to me) to not at least try to adopt one or more kids.

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  13. I know I'm a terrible commenter, but I do read you every day. I appreciate you reading my sporadic spews! Anyway, I think you're wonderful for considering fostering. I think there are folks out there who do the foster thing for the wrong reasons, and you'd be doing it for all the right ones. I can't wait to see you become a mom, one way or another. You'll be a darn good one.

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  14. My parents are foster parents and have adopted my three younger siblings through foster care. They also fostered two other children who ultimately were reunited with their biological families. Some things to think about:
    1. The children featured on those websites are the children that are hardest to place, which is why it's mostly older children and those with severe problems. Healthy kids and babies also come into the system, but they can often find placements for those kids right away so they don't end up on lists like that. My parents took in two newborns that were both totally healthy. They also both ended up being reunited with their families, which was both wonderful and heartbreaking.
    2. Because of the instability of these childrens' lives, their medical records as reported by social services can be very inaccurate. This means you might sign up for a healthy kid and get one with tons of problems. On the flip side, you might meet a child who is described as very sick, but has really been misdiagnosed or is just reacting to poor nutrition or other neglect. When my parents first heard about one of my younger sisters, she was described as having cerebral palsy, a seizure disorder, and other medical conditions. The social worker my mom first spoke to couldn't say if she could talk, walk, or be potty trained (she was 4 years old at the time). She turned out to be FINE. She is 13 now, won a 5k last week and is a beautiful straight-A student. I'm not saying we'd love her less if she had those needs we originally thought she did, I just want to make sure you don't get scared off. Every time a potential match has come up, my parents have had the opportunity to meet the child, the child's current guardian, and the child's social worker to make sure he/she would be a fit for our family, and it has mostly worked out very well.

    I could talk for years about my experience being a biological child in a foster family. If you want any more of my perspective, email me (sally.a.hall@gmail.com).

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  15. I would definitely be a foster parent/adopt. Heck, I work raising money for a non-profit that helps those very kids! Foster parents are so desperately needed in this country.

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  16. I'm not even going to attempt to look at the foster kids/adoption site.

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  17. Adoption is good to reduce the growth of population

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  18. I have a friend from high school that hasn't been able to conceive so she and her husband signed up to foster children. I'm not quite sure the specifics of the program, but both kids (infants) had parents that were drug addicts and left their kids at the hospital after giving birth. If the parents don't come back to get them within 6 months, my friend can try to legally adopt them.

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  19. So much to think about. Any child (whether biological, adopted, or foster) would be lucky to have you two as parents.

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  20. Adopting from the US foster care system is usually not prohibitively costly and there are a lot of grants/special programs that can provide help with the costs. There is also often a lot of support in place to help with transition and other needs the children have in relation to their adoption. And I think in some states, children who are adopted out of the foster care system get state college tuition, so the adoptive families can focus more resources on current care, knowing that college is covered. Foreign adoption can often be incredibly costly, and private domestic adoption can be too, so I think that's where the assumption that all adoption is expensive comes from.

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  21. Great post and so thought provoking. I often think about the foster program but wonder if I'm a strong enough person for it.

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  22. My parents fostered all through my childhood and as a foster sibling, it was a formative experience. I truly believe it helped shape me into the socially minded person I am today. I respect them so much for it.

    The state I live in is a family reunification at all costs state, or we would have adopted several of my foster siblings. They truly were a part of the family, and yes, things like going camping with us or my parents sending them to after school dance classes or soccer teams were once in a lifetime opportunities. My parents really did change the lives of these children, and I know that you would do the same for any children you fostered.

    None of our foster siblings had medical needs. All had been neglected/abused. My parents would accept children into our home who had a history of sexual abuse (which can bring with it a host of other behavioral problems) because my mom has a degree in early childhood education and special education, so they were particularly well equipped to work with children. Children with sexual abuse histories were difficult to place in my small redneck town, due to many misconceptions and prejudices. Anyway, there were some challenges my parents faced in parenting these children, but overall, everyone came out on the other side happier, healthier and better off. My parents were the first (often only) healthy, safe, happy home most of these kids ever knew.

    Like I said, a formative experience.

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  23. Good brief and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you as your information.

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