Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Slow burner

I am not one for falling in love at first sight. In fact, I don't really believe in love at first sight. I believe that people can become infatuated, or even get indications that they will or could fall in love, but I don't believe that you can actually fall in love immediately.

But I do think that I can sometimes tell that I will fall in love with something. And I can make decisions based on that.

For example, I had never been to Denver, or even to Colorado, until we moved here. But before we even arrived I was sure that I would love it. And yet, on that first day, as we drove through some pretty seedy and nondescript neighborhoods, I had a few moments of doubt. But I kept reminding myself that I would fall in love with it, that I KNEW it was right for me. And that is what happened. I do love it now. I have found the things about it that I love, and I know that there are many more things about it that I will love that I haven't found yet.

I also wasn't sure about Montana right away. I knew, based on her photo and description, that she was the right dog for us. But when I met her and the other dog we were considering, in the parking lot outside the prison, I didn't have an instant feeling of oh, that's my dog, oh, I love her. I was torn. I didn't think she was the cutest dog in the world. Cute, yes, but all the other dogs were as cute. That was part of why our decision was so hard.

Torsten was the same way, not quite sure. But we walked both dogs around the parking lot, and we could see the personality traits from both their descriptions--Montana sweeter and mellower, Tessa pulling like nuts, and we knew that Montana would be a better fit for us. So we went with her. It wasn't until I watched her in the middle of the go-home class a few hours later and started crying that I really started to love her. And now I don't just THINK she's the cutest dog in the world--I KNOW it. And also the smartest, and the quirkiest, and the funniest.

Even with Torsten, I sensed before we even met, when we were just emailing, that he was going to be something special, and that feeling was confirmed on our first date. In a sense I just knew that I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him. But I still wasn't ready to say that I was in love with him. In fact, a couple months after we started dating, I basically chased him down from the top of the Empire State Building at midnight because I could tell that he was going to tell me he loved me and I wasn't ready for that yet.

One thing I did know that I loved instantaneously was our house. I walked in the door and fell in love. But then, I'd been admiring it online for months, so maybe that doesn't count as right away.

I started thinking about all this recently when I was rereading Swistle's The Facts (for Some People) post, specifically the part about how some people love their babies right away and others take awhile. When I read that post for the first time, I automatically assumed that I would love my baby instantly, because of course I will, right? But as I think about my track record, I'm thinking maybe I won't be one of those. Maybe I'll take a little while. A few hours, or a day, or two. Or more. And while obviously I would hope to love my baby madly and immediately, if I don't, like many other mothers, I will just have to remember that I shouldn't feel guilty about it, or like a bad mother. Because the love will arrive. It always does.

What about you? Do you fall in love right away, or does it take you awhile?

30 comments:

  1. With almost everything, it takes me awhile to fall in love. I did not feel that way about my babies though. I feel in love the second I saw their squished little faces.

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  2. I fall in love more easily... but then, this is someone who married her first boyfriend, so. :)

    When I had Madeline it was a bit different - I loved her from the moment I saw the word PREGNANT, but I didn't really fall head-over-heels until a few days in. I was so sick, and had so many drugs in my system that I could barely process what had happened, let alone how I felt about it. I wouldn't worry about it too much - babies are designed for the head-over-heels model of love, no matter how long it takes you to get there. :)

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  3. I'm not sure I can generalize, since I don't have a pet or a child, but I think I'm a slow burner, too- with John it developed over many months (but it was almost a decade ago, so my memory's a little hazy about when in those months I was like "yup, love him!") Our house I fell in love with right away, too, but that was because we had seen approximately 400 houses that sucked, so when we walked into ours I was like Oh, yes this is it.

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  4. I was so detached from my daughter my entire pregnancy that I was sure I'd be a slow burner when it came to falling in love with her once she was here.

    WOW, was I wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I fell head over heels in love with her instantly. The second I saw her face. Game over. Done. Love. Insane, insane love. And I'm not usually like that, so you might surprise yourself. I think childbirth, in all aspects, is one of those things you can't really prepare yourself for, in terms of how you'll feel. I know I couldn't. I prepared myself to not feel much at all, and BLAM! Insta-smitten.

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  5. OH! And I've also learned that how you feel the first time isn't necessarily how you'll feel the second. My sister fell MADLY in love with her first right away -- the second took about five weeks.

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  6. I alway say it was love at first sight with my husband. It's probably more accurate to say "lightning strike with potential for very, very fast love." (OK--"infatuation" if you must!) But it took us a couple of months to say the "L" word to each other.

    The babies: LOVE. Right away. Even when I look back on their little baby pictures, I remember that intense feeling of love I just felt instantaneously. It still surprises me.

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  7. I loved my babies immediately, in the way that I knew they were mine, I was their mom, there was nothing I would not do for them, etc. But falling IN love with them? MONTHS. I think I'm so much more in love with Jack NOW, because he's talking up a storm and showing me who he IS. It's the knowing them, I think. Molly's definitely got a personality on display, but I'm so impatient to KNOW her like we're getting to know Jack. That's a big part for me- the knowing. Oh, that sounds like I wouldn't love a child who wasn't able to talk or interact, which isn't true. But I've noticed that the more I learn who my kids are, the more crazy in love with them I become.

    Phillip, on the other hand: instantly smitten. Not sure if it was LOVE, but it was instant SOMETHING.

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  8. With people, it takes me awhile, but I think that has more to do with being extremely independent and not having that feeling of "needing" someone else to complete my life.

    With pets, it's love at first site. I walked by 50 other dog cages at the adoption event, but as soon as I saw Shorty, I started to cry, because I knew.

    Same with houses. We happened upon ours one night on a bike ride, saw it, loved it, didn't need to look at anything else (probably also due to the fact that my ex-husband made me look at well over 200 houses before we bought one).

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  9. I tend to love something right off the bat, then want to check out other options, and end up thrilled with the first one. It happened with my bat mitzvah dress, with the college and grad schools I attended, and the city I'm now moving back to. I'm single and childless, so can't say much about falling in love with partners and kids, but I will admit there's a little part of me that hopes/expects, even almost seven years on, that I will end up back with my first girlfriend. Even though she's seeing someone else and we live hundreds of miles apart and have formed a very nice friendship. I'm not working towards it, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens.

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  10. I know what you mean, I usually sense it too. It applies to everything from men to shoes to friends. I think with babies are different. You have that connection ever since you're pregnant right supposedly?

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  11. I was much the same way with my husband, I knew that this one was big.

    I did take some time to warm up to my child. I can remember someone asking me, "Weren't you just overwhelmed with love the first time you saw him?" And I had to LIE. But now, I can say with certainty, that I am overwhelmed with love for him. Once the pesky anxiety went on its merry way there was room for other emotions.

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  12. I love this post! To answer your question, it usually takes me a while to warm up to things and fall in love. Although I do have a sense that I will love it right off the bat, it takes a while for the feeling to grow into love.

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  13. from what you said in the post, i'm betting the whole pregnancy itself will be your "warm up" period when you have a kid, so that like montana and the house, the first time you see it you'll already have had plenty of time to fall in love and seeing the little squishy face will be like "oh right! here you are!" instead of ".....huh." then again i've never actually BEEN pregnant, so who knows :-)

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  14. Hmmm.

    I was a "Is it even lit?" to "Instant Internal Combustion" with A.

    I was super ambivalent about him, about us, blah blah,and woke up one morning, about four months into dating, simply HEAD OVER HEELS, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I TOTALLY GET WHAT GRANDMA MEANS BY "YOU JUST KNOW" kind of love.

    Just like that.

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  15. I love this post, LOVE.

    I'm very much a slow burner kind of girl--except with my nieces and nephews, inst-love there, for all 7 of them.

    xox

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  16. I get infatuated really easily, but it doesn't always lead to love.

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  17. I prepared myself to not fall in love at first sight with my baby, and I was surprised that I felt the opposite. I suppose some of it is expectations - what is "love at first sight" anyway? With my baby, it was surprise, and a fierce need to hold her immediately and never let go. Was this love at first sight? It was enough for me.

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  18. I have a toggle switch in my head that flips to "yes" or "no" immediately upon encountering something for the first time--people, landscapes, cities, furniture. I've learned to ignore it, most of the time. However, I definitely thought "yes" when I met my husband the first time we met. Also rural New Mexico and Wyoming, which are both places I would like to live (in theory, since I have never actually lived in either place). I think sometimes when I have a difficult transition to a new place it's because of this damn toggle switch. Also, though it worked great for marriage, it typically DOESN'T work for friends. I don't even listen to it for people I meet for the first time anymore, because I know that people will prove much more complex and interesting than the toggle switch says, and also the switch is oblivious to important things like loyalty and persistence.

    And as to my my kids and my dog: I would not say I fell instantly in love with either; however, I had an instant instinct to care for these mewling grubs, and then by the time I'd been doing that for a few weeks they looked at me like I was the sun and the moon & I was won over. The bond was made. OTHER people's kids (& dogs), though, ARE subject (unfairly) to the toggle switch.

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  19. I've had three romances and five children, and none of it's been immediate. I felt FASCINATION early on, but not love until later.

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  20. i think i am the type of person that falls in love right away. i usually decide if i either love or hate something/someone pretty quickly. i knew that i was going to marry tall guy within a month of meeting him.

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  21. I know whether there's chemistry right away. Within 5 minutes, sometimes less. But love takes a while. It takes a fight or a challenge and determining whether the object of your affection is worth pursuing.

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  22. I agree with you about love at first sight. I don't know if I believe in it, but I know it can grow and develop. But there have been a few things that the moment I saw it, I knew it was mine. I have that with friend sometimes too, if I meet someone, I know right away that we'll get along.

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  23. Hey Jess, we're famous: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6516219.html

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  24. I can't believe you decided you wanted to move to Denver without ever having been there! There are cities I have THOUGHT I would love and could see myself living in, but when I actually visited, I thought, "Eh; not so sure after all..." So I'm glad Denver worked out for you!

    Also, that last paragraph wasn't your way of telling us there's a baby, was it? OK; just checking. ;-)

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  25. i'm horrible about the fact that i usually hate you before i love you, but once i love you it's forever.

    i think i have an excellent judge of character but with some situations people have to prove themselves to me before i really warm up to them.

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  26. I think you can know at first sight whether or not a relationship will last...or if it's love...

    I fell in love with my husband very fast, we met in November and were engaged by February. Married by December...

    I fell in love with both my kids the moment I knew about them. And when I saw them, well words escaped me.

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  27. While I did not fall in love with my husband instantly, I loved my son BEFORE he was born. I loved him from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I loved the IDEA of him before he was conceived...But the moment I know he was there, growing inside me? Love.

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  28. I'm definitely a gradual build-up to being in love person. My other half who I now know I will spend my life with? Dumped him twice in the first 6 months we were together because I thought it wasn't really right. Seven years later I still wonder how I could have thought that!

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  29. It took a few days before I felt...'ready' to say "I love you" to this new baby. We did only meet seven weeks ago, after all. Liking is definitely a difference story though. I think I've only really realized how much I LIKE her since she started smiling a couple weeks ago. It makes it so much easier now that there's some reciprocation.
    I refuse to feel guilty in any way, though. I think you just have to go into it understanding that it really does take some moms longer than others to bond with their babies. For a friend of mine, it really took several months!

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