Thursday, January 8, 2009

On bridezillas as a concept

I'm sure that most of you has heard of the movie that's coming out soon, Bride Wars. It's pretty much impossible not to, considering that Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson are promoting the shit out of it. Seriously, they are everywhere, but as much as I love seeing Anne Hathaway's red carpet choices, I will not be seeing this movie. Even if I weren't already married and pretty much over weddings, I wouldn't be seeing this movie. Because, to be frank, it looks like a sexist, cliché piece of shit. The portrayal of the wedding as the most important thing in these women's lives, the way they turn on each other so easily over a minor conflict... it's just disgusting. But really, this review says everything that I could say, and very succinctly, so I highly suggest that you read it.

But the whole thing got me thinking about weddings and bridezillas. I hate the term bridezillas, and I hate the fact that this movie is such a cheap way to capitalize on that social idea of women as bridezillas. This movie buys into all those stereotypes that give weddings such a bad name and makes regular women feel that if they don't want to turn into a bridezilla and everything that represents, they can't have a traditional wedding at all.

I just find the entire concept of the bridezilla to be sexist and disempowering. There are very few women who act like this, and yet it's become such an easy, popular term to use that all those brides who fall into normal parameters--spending money and effort to make their wedding what they want, and having reasonable expectations that others will do what they say they will to make that happen, without treating everyone around them as disposable--hypersensitive to being labeled a bridezilla.

This happened to me the day before my wedding--I found out that my dress had been put back into its garment bag after being steamed and pressed, which meant that the satin would wrinkle again. Hyper-conscious of not wanting to be a bridezilla, I responded in what I felt was a mild, polite, and appropriate manner and found a solution to the issue (calling my father, who was at the hotel with the dress, to ask him to take it out of the bag before it wrinkled). And yet I got called a bridezilla, and it felt both hurtful and incredibly unfair. I still don't think I was being unreasonable at all, and I didn't get mad or yell or scream, and yet the second that word was used, I felt that I couldn't say any more about the situation or even respond to the allegation without making things worse.

Basically, "bridezilla" has become a term that makes regular people feel that they can't assert themselves in ways that would normally be well within their rights. It's become a way of fighting back, a way of, essentially, silencing someone. Brides are so worried about not being bridezillas that a lot of them are going too far in the opposite direction and not standing up for themselves when they should.

I'm not saying there aren't women (and men--yes, it happens) who go crazy over their weddings, who make it their number one priority at all costs and hurt people in the process, who act exactly like the characters in this movie. And that's inappropriate and unacceptable behavior on their part. But instead of turning it into a stereotype of how every bride will be and creating this term and this standard, can't we just treat these people as the anomalies they are? And certainly, can't we avoid making movies that spoon-feed this disempowering concept to the masses?

38 comments:

  1. Like you I do not like the term "Bridezilla". While most brides do know what they want it and let things flow it is the small minority of the over the top demanding brides that make it worse for the rest of us and then we are labeled and saddled with that horrible term.

    Currently I was having issues with a bridesmaid and I called my MOH to check if I was being unreasonable with my request.

    She said that I wasn't and that bridzillas are not born, they are made but the expectations of others. They think that if you ask them to do something as simple as return a form on time then you are labeled or they expect you to be that way so they aready label you before you open your mouth.

    It is extreamly frustrating to not be coined with that term since the media loves the drama.

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  2. I totally agree with you, 100%. I was labeled as a "bridezilla" when I got married too, back when the term wasn't even as common as it is today, and there was no good reason for it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there even a television show having to do with bridezillas? I think it's ridiculous. I'll be skipping this movie, too.

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  3. I cannot even WATCH the previews for that movie, and the part where KH accuses AH of sending her candy "so she'll be too fat to fit in her dress", makes me want to KICK SOMEONE'S FUCKING TEETH IN GAH.

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  4. The content of this movie also horrifies me. Seriously? This is what people are going to pay to watch? And they will.

    I hate that word too - it was hurled at me, accusation-like, several times during planning. I don't remember the circumstances precisely, only that I was taken aback by it just as you were.

    Idiotic, all of it. NO, I won't be seeing that crap.

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  5. You're completely right. I can't watch the previews for that movie either. I'm so tired of the sexist trash that comes out of Hollywood.
    Every scene I've seen from that movie makes me cringe. "You don't alter Vera, you alter yourself to fit Vera!" Give me a break.
    It's kinda the same feeling I get when I read Style Me Pretty sometimes. The focus isn't about love, it's about the wedding.

    It reminds me of something Oprah once said, "People don't want to see a marriage, they want to see a wedding." Why do you think so many romantic comedies end with a wedding scene?

    If you'd like to read more about the wedding industry, I highly reccomend The Meaning of Wife.

    Cheers!

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  6. Oh my god, YES, Jess! I was so hyper conscious of trying not be a bridezilla because people laughingly joked that I would become one due to my Type A personality. I felt that anything I said or suggested would be misconstrued and that I would be instantly labeled a bridezilla if I had an opinion. Ridiculous, really.

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  7. Your request was definitely not a bridezilla one. I hate the term as well.

    However, nearly every wedding I've been a part of has featured a bridezilla moment, usually not by the bride herself, but family members. It's a stressful time and tempers flare. People just need to remember that it's ONE day and that things are going to happen.

    My florist showed up with only 3 bouquets instead of 4 (error on both our parts), and I was stressing out but assigned Jason to deal with it so there were no tears or screaming.

    Wanting your special day to be 100% perfect does not mean you're a bridezilla.

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  8. Aw - I'm excited to see this movie, I think that as a set up for girl/girl competition comedies, weddings are an easy set up, and I think it's mostly harmless.

    I think that in real life, weddings are different for everyone - but the pressure leading up to the big day can be crushing. And people do wig out about little things - I did it, for sure. I think that it's an unfortunately catchy way of summing up a huge situation in a few very small words.

    It's not fair that people pull out that term in real life though, especially to describe you! I hadn't ever heard of people calling someone that it in real life, and if one of my vendor's called me a bridezilla before my wedding I would have attempted murder just on principal.

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  9. I can predict who will be causing drama when I get married.... and it's sad that I already know that future MIL will be difficult during the planning process. She has a bad reputation, so it's not just me being paranoid! MotherOfTheGroomzilla!

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  10. AH. YES. you covered so well why the CONCEPT of bridezillas bugs the shit of out me so much. i mean dude, the previews for that movie make me sad and there is no way i'd ever pay money to see that, but you are very right - it's the bridezilla concept that's more troubling. there are plenty of stupid movies capitalizing on stupid stereotypes, but the whole idea that (in real life!) a bride can't have ANY moments of caring too much about any one thing = SHE'S A BRIDEZILLA ZOMGGGG is really the shitty part of this.

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  12. I'm not going to see the movie, I think it simply looks dumb. I don't watch Bridezillas the TV show either. But I'm not offended by the term. It is appropriate. I think it's a social commentary on the inherent narcissism of brides on their wedding day and how this has changed over time.

    I have seen many, many brides. I have seen many upscale weddings. I don't necessarily use the term, but I can totally see where it comes in handy. I think the behaviors that inspire the term are all routed in the notion of perfection on a wedding day. It's obsessing over little details and trying to control the behaviors of others. It's stirring the drama pot. It's forgetting about the feelings of others. It's forgetting about the meaning. It's losing perspective that it is the most important day in the couple's life, but not for anyone else.

    So no, I'm not offended in the least by the term. In fact, I think it's kind of funny, and in some ways, I think it's useful because it does serve as a way for some people to think a little harder before they act.

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  13. I had a feeling that this movie would be horrible, but I love Kate Hudson so I was hoping for the best.

    I've seen the show on WE, "Bridezillas" and some of those girls ARE a little crazy. But, I totally understand getting stressed about a wedding and I would never call my friend a bridezilla. At least not seriously. A lot of planning goes into a wedding (from what I hear) and when something gets messed up, I would get pissed too.

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  14. I totally didn't stand up for myself in some places where I should have in planning my own wedding, out of fear of the bridezilla label. The car that was taking the groom and groomsmen to the church, which was an hour late, so we had almost no time to do pictures? DESERVED to get told off, and I didn't, because I didn't want people thinking I was a bridezilla. Love this post.

    And the previews for that movie make me cringe, too.

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  15. Huh. Never thought much of the bridezilla label, although I was never called one either. It does seem sexist if it's being used to put down any woman who is assertive. Asking for your dress to be removed from the bag is about as far from bridezilla as they get.

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  16. I have been already been labelled a "bitchy bride" by Will's father (who would have used the term Bridezilla if he knew it existed) and it was because I said "actually, no, for me going to City Hall and standing in line would not be the same as having a wedding and inviting my family." But he's a ginormous jerk so.... :)

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  17. When people find out Tony and I are getting married, they always make comments like, "Just go along with whatever she says man," or, "Don't bother trying to have an opinion, let me tell you right now." I'm starting to get SO MAD about it. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's like I don't even have a CHANCE to show that I'm not a bridezilla, I automatically am.

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  18. I think the movie looks funny, so long as you go at it in a "suspense of disbelief" sort of way. Nothing like that would really ever happen IRL(would it??) just like how people don't really walk along and burst in to song as they do in musicals.

    So, I'll probably see it.

    Bridezilla really wasn't a term when I was getting married, so I never really gave it much thought. I like your points on the subject though.

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  19. Yes, I totally agree with everything you write!!!!! I have absolutely no desire to see the movie either. I've always liked Anne Hathaway and I can't understand why she did this movie.

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  20. Well said Nic, I agree entirely.

    The movie bothers me much more for what it says about women than what it says about brides or bridezillas.

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  21. I don't remember being called a bridezilla but there were certain things that I wanted a certain way for my wedding. There's nothing wrong with not wanting wrinkles in your dress! I think what disturbs me more is the quick disintegration of the close childhood friendship between the two lead characters. Read the review you linked to...laughed out loud at the idea of Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn crashing the movie wedding!

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  22. I've had way more experience with mother-of-the-bridezillas than actual bridezillas. And one experience was so dreadful and unfreakingbelievable that I should write a movie about it. Good idea, me!

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  23. I think you should sent this post to the people who called you that. Silencing people is never ok. Forcing women to think that they are unfeminine or out of place if they speak up for themselves is dead wrong in any circumstances. That totally steams me up.

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  24. i actually think i might see the movie, but i do not like the term bridezilla. when i was planning my wedding, i made sure i was being flexible for everyone. my sil was in a wedding a year or so ago and was annoyed by how the bride scheduled their every move for the entire weekend.

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  25. I completely agree with Nic. In my 30 years, I've been both in and to my fair share of weddings. I think the term was coined to describe brides who think the world revolves them and their wedding, often forgetting about the feelings of those around them.

    What's curious to me is why the term is so offensive to so many. If you didn't behave that way, then it shouldn't offend.

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  26. I couldn't agree with you more on all of this post. I HATED just because I was getting married that I was labeled as some crazed person whose fiance should be afraid to do anything, much less give opinions on wedding matters. Um, hello? I'm a sane person. Just because some woman somewhere along the way went nuts with her wedding doesn't mean I will. It happens. I've seen it. But not everyone is like that. Thank goodness.

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  27. I don't know. There are a ton of movies on subjects that reinforce stereotypes. Doesn't mean people are stupid enough to walk out of the movie buying into it.

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  28. I just recently got engaged, and you have so beautifully captured many of the things I am afraid of. I never thought I would want a big ole wedding, and now that I am surprised to find that I do....I feel *guilty* about it. Why? It's my money. I shouldn't feel guilty. Plus our families are too big to avoid a huge wedding, unless we were to elope and piss everyone off. But to be honest, part of the reason I feel bad about now wanting a big wedding is that I was previously so judgmental of bridezilla-y types, and am terrified of being one. Not proud of it, but it's true. It's unfortunate that social norms seem to dictate that you have to be One Or The Other - but it IS up to the 'audience' so to speak, as to how they interpret it, or how much they internalize.
    Thank you so, so much - truly - for helping shift my perspective. This was the perfect post for me today!

    PS - One of my commenters, Maxie, just told me about your flipflop bucket!! I think that is a GREAT idea!

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  29. This is why I cannot watch most movies aimed at women- they operate on antiquated stereotypes.

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  30. jess,

    first let me say that as a single gal, and coming from a non-wedding family (my parents had a private civil ceremony, my sister only had 10 people at hers) i'm sure that i don't fully understand the desire to have a perfect wedding day.

    while i definitely agree with and empathize with a lot of what you said, i think the term bridezilla--while inappropriate, yes--is used frequently by us single gals who are often put in awkward and uncomfortable situations because many of our friend's wedding fantasies can create burdens for us. for example, i am the MOH in my very best friend's wedding (she is a wonderfully laid back, patient, calm, and easy-going woman), but several times she has been so ridiculously picky about minor wedding details: my shoes weren't grey enough (they WERE), she wanted "cerulean" ribbon which took 5 fabric stores to find, etc. not to mention the engagement party, bridal shower, couples shower, bachelorette party--all of which involve gifts & travel. and then the dress, shoes, stockings, etc. did i mention that i am a student, so my only source of income is student loans & i work 20 hours a week AND take 17 hours of classes???

    sorry for the rant, but my point is that it's very easy to resent a bride, who is certainly entitled to her dream day but often forgets about the comings-and-goings of her friends during the planning stage. i realize that it's a day that a bride wants to go perfectly, but is anyone REALLY going to notice if the champagne flutes are flared or classic? i think sometimes the details eat up the experience. does that make sense?

    i do VERY much agree with you about the movie, merely from a a 3rd wave feminist standpoint. as i child i practiced my kung-fu kick on my boy neighbor, not planned my wedding.

    i hope this doesn't offend you--that's not what i mean at all!

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  31. I am as turned off by the stereotypical ridiculousness of "Bride Wars" as I was of that movie last year that I refuse to waste the time looking up the name of. "I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"? Something like that? Please tell me you know what movie I'm talking about. It's OK (preferable even, of course) ;-) if you tell me you didn't see it.

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  32. This is a great post, Jess. I think you captured it in a nutshell. I had a friend whose florist screwed up almost every aspect of her flowers-- and, as you know, that is a lot of money. But can she be angry? No, because then she'd be Bridezilla. Gah.

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  33. Yeh, I think I'll wait for that one to hit the netflix list.

    Yes, I think the term "Bridezilla" is used to often. That is insane you got labeled that, for just wanting something that most people would say ok no problem to any OTHER day of your life. But, because this was your wedding day--somehow you are labeled bridezilla? Now. Don't get me wrong--there are some bridezillas--especially on those wedding shows on TLC about dresses and such. But, to totally make a girl look crazy for wanting things to be right, and easily handled on her WEDDING DAY doesn't make her a bridezilla.

    Meanwhile, you watch mtv and those wedding real life shows and there were some grooms who could have been labeled GROOMZILLAS but this term is NEVER USED.

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  34. Hahaha.

    What does it say about me and my lack of being attuned to pop culture that I have no idea what movie you're talking about?

    This was a very interesting post. I was a super, insanely laid-back bride, so the term bridezilla never crossed my mind.

    You raise a point well worth considering. Sexist. Huh. It's the whole, "If a man is assertive he's a leader, if a woman is, she's a bitch."

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  35. Good grief! Somebody called you Bridezilla because of THAT?
    huh. That's ridiculous.

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  36. I agree 100 percent with this post and I will not be seeing "Bride Wars" either. Certainly there are women out there who let wedding-related stress get to them, but I can't hold them fully responsible since our culture puts such an insane emphasis on weddings as The Best Day Ever Or Else And If Anything Goes Wrong Your Life Is Ruined. (All of you above who were called bridezillas, I feel for you! And I'm sure you're really lovely people who were just standing up for yourselves.)

    The sad part of it is, I love weddings. I love hearing about other people's (like yours, Jess!) and celebrities' and even my parents'. Why do we have to create more drama when two people are spending the rest of their lives together? Nah, I'm saving my Female Stereotype Dollars for "Confessions of a Shopoholic" (starring: a place I used to work!)

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  37. I must admit I am looking forward to that movie. So many movies are full of clichés, and most romantic movies essentially disempower the woman because that's how they are set up (woman's highest goal is to meet Mr Right). I take it as nothing more than a fictional fun popcorn movie, just like I take chick lit as nothing more than a fun read.
    I realize that you are particularly affected for personal reasons, and I understand why you are angry (I wouldn't want to be called a bridezilla either, especially if I made a simple request like you did), I would be pissed as hell! People seem to be using the term basically to shut up women about their rights, but I wasn't aware that people actually called others that (and it seems quite common too).

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  38. I'm not shocked by the review but it certainly cements the fact that I will not see it.

    I'm so tired of all this sexist bullshit but sadly, like global warming, the Iraq war and this crappy economy, it ain't going to change.

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