U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi.

So tomorrow we're having our engagement photos taken, and last night I thought I'd try on a few outfits and take pictures of myself in them to see how they look on camera. And on the one hand, thank god I did, because every potential outfit I'd put together in my head looked terrible. Seriously, AWFUL. But on the other hand? Seeing yourself look terrible in a bunch of your favorite outfits? Not so good for the self-esteem.

By the end of the photo session, I'd scoured my closet about eighteen times looking for some mysterious perfect outfit to just present itself to me, and I was practically on the verge of tears from seeing so many hideous photos of myself one after another. Yes, I'm vain, I know, I have more important things to worry about, but by the end of the night I was convinced that we should cancel our photo session because I was going to look terrible in every single photo.

I mean yes, it was late at night, and I was tired, and the lighting sucked, and I wasn't wearing any makeup, and my hair was a mess, but the CLOTHES. And the BODY. By the time I was done I was sitting there thinking what a waste it was to lose all this damn weight, because I was so convinced of my own hideousness. Seriously, you know how Randy Jackson tells good American Idol contestants that they could sing the phone book? In other words, they can make anything sound good? Well, I'm the opposite--I can make anything look bad. Or at least that's how I felt last night.

This morning I had pulled myself together a bit, and narrowed it down to four more or less reasonable outfits. The photographer recommends casual dress, specifically jeans, and neutral tones, but I did try one bright colored top and one skirt, just to see. So, now I put it to you for a vote.

Option 1:


Option 2:


Option 3:


Option 4:


So, which one should I wear? And please, any cruel lurkers out there, please don't choose today to de-lurk and tell me that it doesn't matter because I make everything look like a gunnysack anyway. I'm pretty sure my fragile self-esteem couldn't take it.

Good doctor, bad doctor?

The other day I was reading an article in the Washington Post about a kid who had a heart attack and was saved due to very expensive medical treatment that doctors tried despite not knowing whether it would work. And it got me thinking about the much maligned U.S. health care system, and my own experiences with it this year, and how it compares to the rest of the world.

Let me put a disclaimer right here: I am not at all educated about health care and the way it works. I know a bit about the U.S. based on my own experience. I also know a bit about health care in France, England, Germany, and Senegal, based on my experience and experiences that Torsten has had. I haven't even seen that Michael Moore movie about this. Seriously, everything I know is based on personal experience and not on any objective, researched literature.

But here's what I think about health care in the U.S.: The system sucks. But the quality of the health care itself does not suck. But I could be wrong.

The system of health care sucks for many reasons, first and foremost being that not everyone is included, and the people who aren't included are the same people who tend to be marginalized and excluded from most societal benefits. Other reasons why it sucks include that it's overburdened, that it's expensive, that insurance is complicated and confusing, that you only really get insurance if you have a traditional full-time job, that the main onus of paying for health care is placed on employers, and that there isn't much of an emphasis on preventive care, which means that more people develop serious medical conditions.

But for people who do have insurance, and do receive treatment for medical issues, the health care itself is good. At least most of the time. Sure, there are bad doctors and people sometimes have bad experiences, and that's true everywhere in the world. But we have a lot of great doctors here. We have a lot of really impressive medical technology. We have state-of-the-art hospitals. We have excellent and varied treatment.

Yes, the systems are overburdened and doctors are often rushed and on call for 36 hours (or more) straight. But compare this to Britain's NHS, which provides a basic--very basic--level of care for free to everyone. Nurses are often rude, hospitals are overflowing, people are sent home or shunted aside when they have serious conditions that need to be dealt with, waiting times are outrageous, and the overall level of care is deplorable. The NHS is infamous for this kind of service, or lack thereof.

But then I hear horror stories from people here in the U.S.--but they never come from primary sources. It's always a friend of a friend whose doctor diagnosed her in two minutes, incorrectly, and almost killed her with a mistaken prescription. I have never personally experienced anything like that. Yes, doctors run late and waiting rooms are full, but when I finally see the doctor, he treats my problem, and he treats it well. And if I don't like a doctor, I can find another doctor and get a second opinion.

I firmly believe that everyone in the U.S. should have access to this level of health care, regardless of ability to pay. I believe that the system is flawed and it needs to be fixed. But I've never witnessed poor quality of health care itself. It seems to me that the 6/7 of U.S. residents who do have insurance have it pretty good. But like I said, I really don't know much about it beyond my own experience.

So my question is, have I just been incredibly lucky with the doctors I've encountered and the insurance plans that I've had? Have you had terrible experiences in medical settings, in the U.S. or otherwise? How do you think the health care itself--not the health care system--in the U.S. measures up to that of other countries?

The tuxedo is worse than the dress.

Well! We haven't talked about the wedding in awhile, huh? Let's remedy that now, shall we? It's almost the end of May, and at the beginning of the month I laid out a list of things that I wanted to get done this month. And it wasn't much. But it isn't all done.

So let's start with the stuff that IS done, just to make me feel better. First, the rehearsal dinner. Not that we actually DID anything about that other than make a decision, but the decision we made doesn't have to be dealt with for a few more months, so I think we're good. Anyway, first of all, we decided to have only the wedding party, their significant others, and our parents at the rehearsal dinner despite the fact that the latest trend is to have all out of town guests--because 90% of our guests will be from out of town, so planning a rehearsal dinner for them would essentially be like planning a second wedding.

Anyway, so we calculate that there will be 16-18 people at our rehearsal dinner, which, given that we didn't include the rehearsal dinner in our budget estimate, is still a fair amount of money when you consider per-person costs. If we went to a nice dinner at a somewhat upscale restaurant like we'd been considering, once you factor in tip and alcohol and dessert, costs could easily surpass $1,000 for the night and keep on going. Plus, we kept going around and around in circles about what restaurant to go to--there was one that we liked, but it's loud and crowded on Friday nights, and there was something about it that wasn't quite right.

And then my sister made the perfect, and obvious, suggestion of our favorite little hole in the wall Thai place. That's the restaurant we've been to together more than any other, and we love it. And it's inexpensive, and it's never crowded, even on weekend nights. And the food is delicious and everybody loves Thai. As soon as she said it, we were like, OH. DUH. And now we're envisioning a family style dinner with platters of pad Thai, coconut curry, and crispy duck, plus yummy fried appetizers and pitchers of Thai iced tea. It's going to be PERFECT. And low-key and fun and not outrageously expensive. I'm so glad we've figured that out.

Next, starting the invitations. They haven't actually been put together, but they're all designed and all the supplies have arrived and we've figured out the wording for the invitation itself, the RSVP card, and the info card, in both German and English. We've picked out fonts and I've put everything together in In Design (and huge thanks to Michelle for telling me to use In Design instead of Illustrator, and for telling me how to use it. Screw "it takes a village to raise a child"--it takes a blogosphere to plan a wedding). So on an upcoming weekend, my sister and I are going to get together and start printing, and cutting, and taping. It's going to be great. Or terrible. It's still unclear.

Now, for the things we haven't done. I haven't picked a ribbon. But I'm okay with that. I just need to get myself to a craft or fabric store and choose one. It will not take very long. And I don't need the ribbon yet anyway, because we decided not to use it on the invitations after all.

So the last thing on the list? The tuxedo styles? That is what is seriously driving me crazy. Originally I had planned to just go to Men's Wearhouse, have Torsten try on a few different styles to see what suited him best, and then have that done. But then I called them over the weekend and spoke with a guy who condescendingly informed me that no, they don't actually have the tuxedos in stock--all we'll be doing is looking at a book. NOT HELPFUL. I've LOOKED at their catalog online, and I'm sorry, but staring at a bunch of tuxes on models is not giving me the clearest picture of what will look best on Torsten. So I figured (but luckily did not say out loud) that Men's Wearhouse could go screw themselves and we'd find another store.

Except, ha ha, apparently there ARE no other stores. After Hours, the only other big chain that used to do tuxedo rentals, has now been absorbed into Men's Wearhouse as MWTux. And everything I read online complains about MWTux, and how they were rude, or messed up the order, or things didn't come in on time, or didn't fit, and how it was a huge, stressful hassle right up until the day of the wedding. But there are very few reviews of any other tuxedo rental places, and the reviews that do exist are mixed at best.

For literally every other vendor we've found so far, I have done research until I found someone whose prices fit with our budget, whose reviews were unanimously positive, and who clicked with us in person and understood what we were looking for. And there does not seem to be any such vendor when it comes to tuxedo rentals. So I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of taking Torsten to Macy's or somewhere to try on a tux just to find out what looks best, then ordering a similar style from MWTux and hoping they don't mess it up? Or just finding a random local tux rental place, crossing my fingers, and hoping for the best? Or is there some other solution to this issue that I am overlooking? What would you do?

Illusion of privacy

Last week, Stefanie wrote about how she has recently realized that her neighbors only see her when she is looking her very worst. And it got me to thinking about my own neighbors, both in my apartment building and in my office. And I realized that I have a very specific attitude about nearby neighbors: we are, or at least we should be, mutually complicit for the sake of creating an illusion of privacy.

Everyone knows, for example, that you can hear your neighbors in their apartments. We've all complained about the frat boys down the hall and their excessively loud parties, the argumentative couple next door, and the family upstairs who seems to take particular joy in dragging the furniture around at four in the morning. And honestly, as apartment buildings go, ours isn't so bad.

Yes, I can occasionally smell what Next Door is cooking for dinner, and yes, I do know that Other Next Door enjoys midnight showers, followed by an elaborate clothing selection routine that involves dragging wire hangers across metal closet bars that sound like they are positioned approximately three inches from my head. And yes, Upstairs does seem to enjoy a particular game that I like to call Stomping Around in High Heels In Hopes of Causing the Floor to Cave In.

But for the most part, it isn't so bad. And here's why: I can't put faces to these actions. Next Door might be having taco salad for dinner, but I don't know who they are. Other Next Door might be dressing for a late-night drag show while Upstairs is incessantly pacing to forget her sorrows, but I have no idea what they look like while they're doing it. I don't know anything about them. And I like it that way.

I don't WANT to meet my neighbors. I don't want to be embarrassed exiting the apartment in case they just overheard the very private conversation we just had, or in case they're disgusted by the dinner we just cooked. And I don't want them to be embarrassed knowing that I can now pinpoint the high-heels wearer as a burly, middle-aged man. As long as I don't know who these people are, their activities remain anonymous, and so do ours.

Unfortunately, this isn't possible at work. The people in the cubicles near mine have a lot in common with me. We work together, in the same department of the same company. We both suffer the plight of not having been deemed worthy enough to have an office with a door that closes. We sit through meetings together and we work on projects together. And sometimes we have to make personal phone calls while at work.

I only wish that I could pretend that I didn't know who these people are as they discuss their personal issues over the phone two feet from my ear. But I can't. So I propose that we do the next best thing: Let's pretend that we can't hear each other, even though we both know that we can. I won't discuss your daily fights with your husband* if you don't ask me about my upcoming surgery appointment. Don't interrupt me to suggest a great beach as I discuss potential family vacation spots with my sister, and I won't start recommending antidepressant brands for your father.

And whatever you do, when you hang up the phone, don't justify to me whatever it was that you were just discussing. Please don't tell me the background story to your child's biting problem, or the reason why your mother just had to quit her job. I don't want to know why it's such a bad idea for your best friend to leave her husband or why your cousin had to give away her dog. I want to pretend like I didn't hear your conversation at all. I certainly won't be discussing it with anyone else. In return, all I ask is that you do the same for me. Don't ask me for more details about what I was discussing, don't interrupt me while I'm on the phone even if you think that what you have to say is highly relevant. And for the love of god, please don't act like the fact that you can hear my phone conversations from where you sit means that you have the right to go discussing them with anyone else.

Cube life is barely tolerable as it is. I think we all need to sign a pact agreeing to the above terms--that we acknowledge that sometimes we will hear things that nobody wants us to hear, due simply to the nature of cube farms. The best thing we can do is create the illusion of privacy for one another by trying not to listen, refraining from offering commentary, and certainly not repeating what we've heard. In return, you can rest secure in the knowledge that your colostomy secret is safe with me.

*Note: All examples are invented by me for the sake of argument. I would never violate my cubicle neighbors' actual privacy.

Free money! And sunshine!

My grump from the past two days has pretty much lifted. I am still feeling under the weather, but I am optimistic that it's just seasonal allergies, and I just took a Claritin D to test that theory. Fingers crossed that it will work. In the meantime, we're about to have a three-day weekend and my office is closing at three o'clock today. The idea of leaving work in the middle of the afternoon when it's still sunny and so much of the day is left makes me very happy.

And speaking of work, I found out a week or two ago that I won an award for some work that I do as part of a team. I'm not the main person who does that work, so I didn't think much of it and assumed I would get some sort of commemorative plaque and forget all about it. Until I got my pay stub last night and discovered that along with the award comes a cash prize to the tune of multiple hundreds of dollars. Score! That is going straight into the down payment fund (okay, maybe I'll spend SOME of it).

Although I do feel bad for the woman who spearheads the work--she could easily have won this award on her own for the work she does, and then she would have gotten the full amount of the award to herself, instead of having to split it three ways with me and one other person. So that kind of sucks for her, and if I were in her position, I'd be annoyed. But it doesn't mean I'm about to hand over my check to her or anything. Money is money, and that much sweeter for having been gained without much effort. Besides, there is all sorts of work that I AM the lead on that I could just as easily have won an award for, so we'll consider this check a reward for that instead.

And back to what I was talking about in that first paragraph? Three days off plus gorgeous weather plus no plans at all? It's going to be absolutely blissful. There will be lots of sleep, and perhaps a walk or two, and hopefully some sushi, and a few errands, and who knows what else? DC is our oyster! Unfortunately, I suspect that a lot of out-of-towners have decided that this is the weekend to make DC their oyster as well, so the town will probably be swarmed with tourists. We'll just have to hide in our little non-touristy neighborhood to avoid them.

Also, I'm thinking perhaps this weekend would be a good time to spend some of my award money on a fancy dinner at a restaurant we haven't been to yet. Which has the doubly excellent effect of providing me with a chance to wear a fun spring dress!

In sum, weekends like the one we have planned (or not planned, as the case may be) help me suppress baby fever for just a little bit longer. When I see cute babies or adorable baby clothes, I want to have a baby RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND WHY AM I NOT ALREADY PREGNANT? But then I remind myself that once there's a baby, there won't be luxurious, lazy weekends anymore. And that helps me remember why now is not the right time for a baby. That, and also if I'm five months pregnant at the wedding, the dress won't fit.

Oh, and the other thing I want to do this weekend? Is bake something. Possibly cookies. But I'm not really the baking type, so I don't have much in the way of recipes. And that's where YOU come in. Do you ever bake? What's your favorite thing to bake? And can I have the recipe?

AND my throat still hurts.

Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with the doctor who will be performing my parathyroid surgery. He was, as I expected, very nice, and the resident who was with him was sporting a HUGE diamond on her left hand, so she and I had a brief chat about being engaged. The doctor's assistant was very friendly and saved me cab fare, although she was not the most efficient person I'd ever met (more on that later).

So yes, everyone was nice. I didn't have to wait long to see the doctor. Everything went according to the best-case scenario plan: the doctor confirmed that I can have the minimally invasive surgery (although there's always a chance that more than just the one gland is affected, in which case he would have to make a bigger incision mid-surgery to find the other sources of the problem). It's a 23-hour observation period, which means my insurance will be billed only for an outpatient procedure even though I will most likely spend the night at the hospital. It's under general anesthesia, which means I don't have to sit there awake while someone roots around inside my neck.

So, yes, good. But even though I vowed that this year would be the year that I stopped being scared of doctors? (And that was a nice piece of clairvoyance, wasn't it? Since I had no idea, at the time, that I'd be seeing so much of various doctors this year?) And I have been largely successful at achieving that goal. I'm not scared of doctors because my health has become an open book so I'm no longer scared of what I'll find out. And that is great.

But still. Despite all that? And despite the fact that this visit to the surgeon had the best possible outcome, given what I already knew, which was that I did need surgery? Hi, my name is Jess and I get upset when things that I KNEW were inevitable come true.

The meeting with the doctor himself was fine, and he was knowledgeable and friendly and answered all my questions, and then he dropped me off with his assistant to schedule my surgery. Incidentally, he and I talked it over and I decided to go ahead with the surgery now, before the wedding, because by the time the wedding gets here the scar will have faded considerably, and I'd rather just have this done with and not have to think about it.

Anyway. Off topic again. But my point is, when I went in to schedule the surgery, the assistant asked me whether I'd prefer July or August, and I was surprised, because the doctor had said June and August is not very far from the wedding at all. So I said that I'd like to have it earlier, as soon as possible, and then she told me okay, June 10. And I was pleased with that, and reconciled myself to it, and then she said oh no, actually, July 1.

Except that I told that story all wrong, because when you read it? Ha ha, it almost sounds like it was a BRIEF conversation. Like, you know, two minutes. But actually? It was forty-five. Because when I went into her office, she was on a personal call, and she smiled at me and motioned for me to sit down, and then continued her personal call for FIFTEEN MINUTES while I sat there awkwardly. Then she FINALLY hung up and I thought we'd get on with it, but then she started organizing some files on her desk. Then her phone rang and she spent five minutes chatting on it. Then she started asking me about dates, but before we could get very far, a resident stopped in and they had another five-minute conversation. Then the phone rang again. And so on and so forth, until finally, FORTY-FIVE nerve-shredding minutes later, I was informed that July 1 was the earliest possible date.

I swear, I almost cried! Over a three-week difference! By the time the 45 minutes had gone by (and I am NOT exaggerating on that time estimate; if anything, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that it was under an hour), I was not feeling equipped to cope with the fact that this surgery wasn't going to go exactly according to my internal plan. Plus, we were going to go out of town for the July 4th long weekend, and if I'm recovering from surgery, that won't be possible, but I don't want to put the surgery off anymore, because July 1 is only four months out from the wedding, and that already makes me a tad uncomfortable. And plus the doctor said June, he said JUNE I SWEAR HE SAID JUNE so even though July 1 is only a day after June, DAMMIT HE SAID JUNE AND THAT'S WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.

Anyway, my look of horror and tragedy must have made the assistant feel bad, because she promised to try to move a couple of things around to free up the doctor's calendar for the June 10 date that she originally promised me. She even told me there was a "good chance" that it would work out that way. And that's the hope that I'm clinging to because JULY IS SO FAR AWAY, and also SO CLOSE TO THE WEDDING.

And I couldn't even be that mad at her for taking so long and stressing me out so much, because she was so friendly, and when she noticed on my form the name of my company, she told me that her daughter used to work there, and then she told me that there was a free shuttle from the hospital almost directly to my office, thus saving me the cab fare home, and she actually walked me all the way out to the shuttle stop so that I wouldn't get lost. Because she was very sweet, you see. Just vastly inefficient, and not so good at the prioritizing of the client in her office over the friend on the phone.

Anyway, despite everyone's niceness, and the relative success of the appointment, all things considered, I was GRUMPY for hours afterward. Like, seriously edgy and pissed. And the mood didn't lift until I finished the proposal I was working on and dropped the final copy at the director's desk. After that, I finally started to feel better. And now I'm still a tad annoyed about the whole thing, but overall feeling more balanced and less infuriated.

So, roll on July 1. Or June 10. Fingers crossed.

Irked

I'm feeling a little ranty today. I think part of it is that we are under major proposal deadline pressure at work. I worked this past weekend and I've been staying late at work every night. In the meantime, I haven't been getting enough sleep and my Google Reader got so out of control that I finally gave in and marked all as read. And it's ALREADY starting to get out of control again. I had a sore throat yesterday and I am seriously hoping that it's sleep deprivation and not a virus that's making it happen.

So, five little things that are bugging me today:

1. Why do people always crowd in front of doors as soon as they open? It drives me NUTS when people start to get on the bus without letting people get off first, and the same thing with elevators. Just pause for a second and look where you're going instead of charging blindly into a crowd of people. And on a related note, look behind you when you walk through a door! If someone is behind you, you don't have to stop and let them go ahead of you, but you could at least avoid shutting the door in their face. I just saw this happen to a woman with a stroller. A guy went through a door ahead of her and didn't even look to notice the door HITTING THE STROLLER as it closed behind him. COME ON.

2. I have recently been totally craving all sorts of unhealthy food. Specifically, I want greasy Chinese (egg rolls! And fried rice! And crab Rangoon!), cake with tons of icing, and a huge bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. These items don't really mesh with the whole Weight Watchers thing. Sometimes I miss the carefree days when I didn't pay much attention to what I ate and I didn't have the first clue how many calories were in all the unhealthy food I liked.

3. I didn't watch the NBA draft lottery yesterday, but I saw that once again the worst team in the league did not get the first pick. As always, commentators seem shocked by this. It's driving me a little bit nuts. Yes, the odds are stacked for the worst team in the league to win, but only insofar as they are more likely than any other one team to win. This does not mean that they are objectively likely to win.

Say there's 10 teams, and everyone gets one entry in the lottery except the worst team in the league, which gets two entries. Now, if you have to guess which team will win, you should pick the one with two entries because they're twice as likely as any other team to win. This is true. However, their overall chance of winning is still only two out of eleven. It is much more likely that any of the other nine teams will win instead. I know that most people aren't math people, and really I'm not a math person either, but it bothers me that NBA commentators, the ones who are supposed to understand how the draft lottery works, don't get it. Every year, the worst team in the league doesn't win! And every year, the sportscasters are shocked! Come ON.

4. The down side to not paying utilities is that we don't have total control over our heat. When the system is on, we can control the temperature, but when it's off, that's it. During the first spate of springlike weather last month, our building turned off the heating for the season, and it's been off ever since. Unfortunately, we've had more 40-degree nights than 75-degree days since then, and it is FREEZING in our apartment. We added an extra blanket to our bed and getting out of the shower has become almost unconstitutionally torturous. Consistent spring weather, where ARE you? Soon it's going to be SUMMER and if it gets all hot and humid without first giving us our fair share of sunny, breezy days, I am going to be PISSED.

5. I have to get to work. AUGH.

So, what's irking you these days?

On home ownership

Ever since Torsten and I started seriously managing our finances, we've been thinking about the idea of owning a home. This seems to be the logical next step in the whole muddle of marriage and kids and all that Future with a Capital F stuff. And we fully plan to buy a house at some point in the next couple of years. We divide our savings between a down payment and our retirement funds. Every now and then one of us admires the beautiful houses in the real estate section of the paper, and tries not to cry upon catching a glimpse of the prices.

The current mortgage and housing crisis doesn't deter me from the idea of buying a house. It seems that with depressed prices, now would be a good time to buy--but only if we're willing to hold onto the house we buy for a few years at the very least. I think what this burst housing bubble has done is hurt the concept of a starter home--a little house that you'd live in for a couple of years, maybe through the first baby, and then leave behind as you became more financially stable and your family grew.

But now that housing prices aren't going steadily up and up, and it's getting harder to sell, the idea of buying a small house and then flipping it when you're ready to upgrade doesn't seem so feasible. Which means that if we were to buy a house, we would truly have to be willing to stay in it for awhile, an undetermined amount of time.

Our lives are in so much flux that it's kind of hard to think about what our housing needs will be five or even more years from now. In five years we could have two kids and be thinking about school districts and second bedrooms and big yards for the dog and a swing set. Which means that if that's what we want five years from now, it should be what we're looking for in a house at the moment. But that's not what we can afford at the moment. At least not in DC. If we want to move to, say, Idaho, we'd be set. But we don't.

Also? I know that everyone says that home ownership is the holy grail, and I know it means you have equity and all of that good stuff. But I LIKE renting. I like that we pay a fixed amount every month, and there are never any unexpected costs. I like that we don't pay utilities, and that if the dishwasher breaks or the tub gets clogged, all I have to do is call the front desk and someone will come by to fix it without us even needing to be home. I like that if we receive a package that needs to be signed for in the middle of the day, neither of us has to stay home from work because the package room will sign for it. I like that the building has a gym right in it, and the security that comes from having a 24-hour front desk monitor and a security guard, and how cheap renter's insurance is. I like that we don't have to mow the lawn and that if we ever want to move, we can do so without worrying about having to pay two mortgages until our old place sells.

And from what I hear, buying a house basically makes you broke. Down payment, closing costs, fees, interest, a monthly mortgage payment--plus contractors, inspections, repairs, upgrades, furniture, decor... it just seems like the costs never end. So yeah, you have the house and the equity, but it's not like that actually leaves you with any more money, at least not until you've paid off your mortgage, which only happens if you live in the same house for 30 years.

Plus, DC has extremely tenant-friendly laws that include excellent rent control. I love that.

We do plan to buy, though, eventually. But not quite yet. We're still contributing to our down payment fund, and figuring out what we want to do, where and what we want to buy and can afford. But it's a big step--it means that we're not as free to move around, to pick up and go whenever we decide that we're looking for a change. I guess that's a part of the whole Settling Down thing that we're in the process of doing. It's kind of a weird feeling.

So am I crazy? Am I missing some huge benefit of home ownership that everyone knows about except me? What about you--do you rent or own? Which do you prefer?

Anniversaries EVERYWHERE

Isn't it supposed to be the man in the relationship who forgets anniversaries or doesn't think to celebrate them? And the woman who thinks anniversaries are important and complains about how the man doesn't take them seriously enough? And isn't that the real reason why people get their wedding dates engraved on their rings? So the man can always check to see when the anniversary is?

I mean, I know, gender stereotypes and whatnot, but that is SO not the case in our relationship. Last night Torsten was pointing out that soon (and by "soon" he meant "in about three months") it will be the one-year anniversary of our engagement. And then I tried to tell him that once we're married, all past anniversaries (dating, moving in together, engagement, etc.) are abandoned in favor of November 1, the Official Wedding Anniversary.

To be frank, I was feeling kind of RELIEVED about that. Having three anniversaries to celebrate is really just excessive, and also kind of a pain to remember. Throw in the fact that Torsten likes to celebrate the anniversary of us dating MONTHLY instead of YEARLY, and it seems like it's our anniversary more often than not. Luckily, he has toned down most of his celebratory practices from flowers and dinner out to a comment of, "Hey, it's our anniversary! Cool!"

Unless, of course, it's a significant anniversary, like a year or something. THEN we pull out all the stops. By which I mean, last year we went on a dinner cruise and this year we are thinking about going to a steakhouse, because we really want to go and are looking for an excuse to justify the expense.

ANYWAY. My damn point is, I presented to Torsten the idea that our wedding anniversary won't just be the next in a long line of anniversaries that we'll be celebrating for the rest of our lives, but instead an opportunity to wipe the anniversary slate clean and get rid of all those silly wannabe anniversaries in favor of the one big one. And he was totally, TOTALLY not on board with that. In fact, his face almost crumpled with the horror of the idea, to the point where I had to immediately back down so as not to cause permanent emotional damages.

So, it looks like much to Torsten's delight (and my chagrin), once we're married we will have anniversaries to celebrate in June, July, October, and November (plus on the 1st, 7th, 18th, and 28th of every month). Plus probably a couple others that I'm not thinking of at the moment that must be permanently etched on Torsten's brain. And I can't even IMAGINE how many little anniversaries we'll be celebrating by the time we've been married for forty years.

What about you? How many anniversaries do you celebrate with your significant other? What are they? Which one of you is more into the whole anniversary celebrating thing?

In other news: three weeks until our 20-month anniversary! I can't WAIT!

Mrs. Boss

Last night Torsten and I had dinner with a friend/coworker of his, a great and close friend who lives several states away from us and works remotely for Torsten's company and who is in town just for the weekend. It also happens that Torsten serves as the friend's supervisor at work, which from Torsten's perspective, and I hope his friend's perspective as well, has absolutely no effect on their friendship.

In fact, even though I know that Torsten supervises several people at work, I had never really thought about that or processed it before. And it totally didn't occur to me at all during the dinner last night that Torsten is his friend's supervisor. Until the end of the meal, when we were saying goodnight and Torsten said something to his friend about how he should feel free to sleep in and come to the office late the next day.

At that moment, and this has nothing to do with the friend at all, but it clicked in my mind that wow, Torsten is a boss. I adore my own boss, and feel really lucky to have such a great boss, and we do have fun chats about non-work-related things, but I couldn't see ever becoming such great friends with him the way that Torsten is with this guy. And I know that part of is that Torsten and his friend were friends before they worked together, and also that Torsten is not at all a "boss" kind of person, in that he doesn't really do the whole hierarchy thing, but still. He's in charge of telling other people when they can take time off and chasing after them to fill out their time sheets.

I realize that I'm very young, and that I've never supervised anyone, and that eventually one day I most likely will supervise someone, and that's totally fine. And I also have realized that by being engaged to be married, I am agreeing to become someone's wife, and that someone isn't just the guy I love and know intimately, but also someone's employee, someone's boss, someone's son.

But still. Somehow I just never thought of myself as the boss's wife. Especially at age 24. I know people complain about how their bosses are so much younger than them. Well, Torsten is 6 years older than me. So that makes me a particularly young boss's wife.

I think of "the boss's wife" as an older lady, possibly in pearls and a Chanel suit, or maybe in seersucker pants and sensible shoes and a full face of makeup. I think of her as not working, as spending her days on the boards of charities and keeping the house running and potentially looking after grandchildren. I think of her as appearing on her husband's arm at company events, smiling demurely as he smokes a cigar and demonstrates what a family man he is.

This is a complete generality. In actual fact I know of no such boss and no such boss's wife. It's just a funky idea that I have in my head, clearly because I still have some old-fashioned gender stereotypes that I need to work through.

However, it's still weird. Me? A boss's wife? Impossible. Soon I'll be placing an order for my resort wear and starting up some sort of charitable foundation. Which actually, doesn't sound that bad. But not a role I would have expected to take on, in any form, this early in my life.

Deliciousness

Yesterday morning we got some good news about one of our projects at work and everyone sort of congregated in the hall, discussing it and being happy and awkwardly trying to avoid going back to their desks, and finally the head of our department asked what we should do to celebrate. Someone suggested lunch but there was a client coming in at noon so a few people wouldn't be able to make it, and somehow, I'm not sure how but very quickly, it was decided that we would go for margaritas in the afternoon. But not afternoon as in after work. No, we headed off for the nearest Mexican restaurant at three in the afternoon for the best work celebration ever.

Plus, we didn't have to pick up the tab, and so before we knew it we were ensconced at a long table with huge pitchers of margaritas and baskets of chips and guacamole and cheese quesadillas, and not only that but we were actually talking, and amazingly, the talk wasn't about work. After the obligatory happy toast, we all just started chatting about... normal stuff. Our table was outside on the sidewalk and the weather was warm and everyone was in a good mood and it was just really nice.

I hadn't planned on drinking anything because, you know, Weight Watchers and wasted calories and whatnot, and also I don't really like alcohol that much and I tend to take really big sips, so I am usually better off with water or Diet Coke. But I was sitting there and there were all these pitchers of margaritas and somehow I wound up with a really yummy-looking frozen strawberry swirl margarita in a frosty, salted mug in front of me, and you know what? I drank it. And then I drank another.

I was totally outpaced by my coworkers, one of whom was doing tequila shots two at a time, but for me that's a lot of alcohol, because I can't even remember the last time I had more than one drink. And I was totally feeling the effects. And it was GREAT. And also? While I was drinking the delicious strawberry-ness, I totally indulged in lots of chips and guacamole and even a cheese quesadilla, which, yeah, not so much part of the whole Weight Watchers plan either.

But seriously, it was so fun and happy that the three guys who were at the table near us, sharing their own pitcher of margaritas and giant plate of nachos, leaned over to us a couple of drinks in and were like, "Um, we just graduated college, which is why we're here drinking in the middle of the afternoon, and um, we can't help noticing that you guys have the greatest job ever, and um, can you tell us what company you work for, because we want to apply for jobs there?" Which everyone in their tipsy state thought was HILARIOUS and started asking what they studied and handing out business cards and whatnot, and how awesome would it be if one of those guys wound up working for us? Except that he would be terrifically disappointed to find out that we do not normally spend our afternoons drinking margaritas down the street from our office.

Afterward I went home, still in my buzzed state, and then Torsten and I ordered a pizza and I had three pieces. Or maybe four. Which is a sign that I should stay away from the alcohol not just because of all the empty calories? But also because apparently when I've been drinking I think it's AWESOME to stuff my face with whatever unhealthy stuff is nearest. Frozen margaritas + Weight Watchers = BAD IDEA, apparently.

But the miracle of all miracles? This morning when I woke up? I had actually lost half a pound.

Mere months

So, this thing happened recently where the six month mark to our wedding passed and then suddenly I was like, oh my god our wedding is five months away THAT IS SO SOON. Like, to the point where at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, I was taken with the idea that we should go look at tuxes THAT NIGHT and when Torsten had to work too late to get to the store before it closed, I almost had a small conniption.

I think part of is that we have already been engaged for nine months and so for the longest time the wedding felt like it was just ages away and would essentially never arrive, and now suddenly we are 60% of the way there and we're at the time when the small details start piling up and suddenly it feels like even though the main stuff is pretty much done, there is SO MUCH TO DO and WHEN CAN WE DO IT? How about NOW?

Even though if we really start dealing with the details, we'll wind up with huge piles of flip-flops and candles and ribbons and pew decorations all around our not-that-spacious apartment, and we really do not need that. And really five months (and actually it's five and a half months) is still lots of time. And really we're getting plenty of stuff done now. And all of this is in my head.

But it's so exciting! And the wedding nightmares have evolved so MUCH! The most recent one featured everything going according to plan, except that all the little details were off and the guests were annoyed and I couldn't get my veil right and nobody was there to help me. In the dream, I was extremely grumpy and stressed about that stuff, but it was still a long way from the first wedding nightmare, which featured an empty, grungy basement auditorium and my dad officiating in a grubby pair of shorts.

Oh and the other part of this feeling is probably that we booked our honeymoon flights yesterday, so now things are not as easily canceled as they were back when we had only booked the hotel. Not that we would ever want to cancel, because it is going to be the best trip ever, and I am pretty much as excited about that as I am about the wedding itself, but now it's really official and we have real, actual money committed to it, and we've put in for the time off work, and it's really happening!

Oh, and one last thing? OH MY GOD FIVE MONTHS. YAY.

So tell me, has this ever happened to you? That something felt really far away and then all of a sudden, BAM, it switched and suddenly it was like RIGHT THERE, about to happen? What was it?

P.S. Yes, you are allowed to laugh at me when it's, like, October 30 and I'm talking about how SOON everything is and you remember how I've been talking about that since May.

Trees and premieres and invitations, oh my.

So, it rained all weekend, and particularly hard on Sunday evening and all through the night. The culmination of the storm was at 4:30 on Monday morning, when Torsten and I were awakened by a huge thud that I, in my half-asleep state, thought was a garbage truck slamming a dumpster back onto the ground in a particularly ferocious manner.

But no. It wasn't a dumpster. It was a tree. A very large tree. Landing across the residential street behind our building, and crushing about six cars in the process. In the morning there was a police car out there, and some car owners taking photos of the damage for insurance purposes, and one dumbass trying to climb over a waist-high downed power line to get to his car rather than walking around the block, until the cop stopped him by turning on his siren.


Anyway, as of this morning the tree was still there, surrounded by Do Not Cross barriers with two crushed cars underneath it. Crappy way to start out the week, huh?

In other news, I know I don't normally get all pop-culture here on the blog, even though I do love Red Carpet Fashion Awards for its non-ironic, very interesting take on fashion and read it every day. But as you probably already know, I adore Sex and the City, and I can't wait for the movie to come out, and last night was the premiere in London. (And also, um, why London? Wrong city! But let's move on.)

So anyway, Sarah Jessica Parker being known as somewhat of a fashion icon, and her three co-stars attempting to keep up, I was dying to see what they all wore to the premiere. And they did not disappoint. I knew SJP would be outrageous (I swear that hat is almost as tall as she is), but wow, was I ever not expecting to see quite so much boob from Cynthia Nixon. My. Goodness. The only one who disappointed me was Kristin Davis--that neckline is way too Charlotte.


Oh! And also yesterday? My sister and I assembled a mock wedding invitation, and it looks SO GOOD. It has wrong colors and crooked cutting and everything, because it was just to get an idea of how it would all work, and yet I am in love with it, because it is so nice and it is also OUR WEDDING, for REAL like IN PRINT. So we went to Paper Source and bought all the supplies, and even with unexpected things like 12 rolls of double sided tape and a circle cutter and all number of random other extras, it still came out to way less than what we would have had to pay for a very simple invitation from an actual store.

AND this invitation includes all sorts of amazing little details that wouldn't have fit our budget if we'd ordered them pre-assembled, like vellum envelope liners with silver leaves, and a pocket with scalloped edging and polka dots, and oh, it's perfect, just perfect. And I know I totally rolled my eyes when people talked about how your invitation matters because it is the first picture that people get of the wedding, and therefore it's representative of you and your wedding plans. But actually? This invitation is so perfect, and we both like it so much, that now? I totally understand that concept. And I feel like we totally nailed it.

Even though the assembly is going to be SO MUCH WORK and I'll probably be posting in a month about oh my god WHAT WAS I THINKING is it too late to just order invitations from a store and have someone else do all the dirty work? And that's when it will be YOUR job to point me back to this post and remind me why I'm doing all this work. Because they are perfect. And that is worth the work. So once I'm knee-deep in hole punchers and bone folders, remind me of how great the finished product will be, would you? You guys are the best.

Ways I have changed him

Last week a few of you asked to hear about ways that I have changed Torsten. Obviously I had to consult him on this. So I give you our combined thoughts on how he has changed since meeting me:

• He doesn't panic as easily. His reactions to things are a bit more in proportion to the severity of the thing.
  
• He is healthier. He eats lots of home-cooked Weight Watchers meals, drinks less beer, and consumes fewer desserts.
• He is less easily grossed out. He is still paranoid (in a good way) about cleanliness, but he's not as fussy about little things being in perfect order. He will even kill bugs. And if I sit on the bed in what he calls "my street clothes," the sheets no longer have to be changed immediately.
  
• He stands up for himself more. He is still incredibly nice and thoughtful and puts other people ahead of himself, but no longer will he do so to his own detriment. If he thinks he deserves a raise, he'll ask for it. If someone is doing something that's negatively affecting him or me, he'll tell them so.
• He's better groomed. He gets his hair cut more often, and he buys new undershirts regularly. He wears jeans that I pick out for him instead of his old Levi's. (I view this as a positive. He does not.)
• He works much less. His job used to be the main thing in his life, and he would be at the office until very late at night and back again early in the morning. Now, unless he has a major deadline, he is home by 7 p.m., and he pretty much never works on weekends.
• He is more flexible. He's more willing to let people drink from his glass, and if we have to go somewhere he doesn't want to go on a Friday night, it doesn't ruin his whole weekend.
• He likes baseball. Specifically, the Red Sox. He had never watched it before he met me.
• He is happier than he has ever been.
  

Winners! And an early weekend.

So, I have today off of work, because of my whole compressed workweek thing where I get one Friday a month off (and every other Friday in the summer). Originally, Torsten was going to take the day off too and we were going to get a Zipcar convertible and spend the day driving out on country roads in Virginia in the beautiful spring weather.

Here are the problems with that plan:
1. Torsten has to work.
2. It's raining.

So! Here I am at home. I feel like I should be productive. Clean the apartment? Ha ha ha. Go through my closet and get rid of too-big clothes? I would, except I'm still nervous that the second I get rid of my old clothes I'm going to gain all the weight back. Make some invitations? I really want to, but I don't have all the materials I need yet, so that will have to wait until next week. Do something else wedding related? Well, of my list of wedding things to do this month, one has already been dealt with (the rehearsal dinner), one I've already mentioned, and the other two require Torsten's input.

Oh! I know! Let's pick contest winners! Can I just tell you guys, oh my god, I should NOT have asked you about contests you'd entered? Because every time I read about another contest that someone was dying to win and didn't, I felt horribly, gut-wrenchingly guilty. I was like, I want THAT person to win. No, THAT person. And so on.

Anyway, first of all, I said it would be random and I never could have decided anyway, so I used a random integer generator to decide. And also, I felt so heinously guilty about you people and all your tragic stories that I decided to pick three winners instead of just one.

So, I give you three winners, and I swear that they were randomly generated the first (and only!) time that I used the integer generator. They are: Hazel of Behind These Hazel Eyes, Swistle, and B2G of Back to Good Again! Yay to all three of you! I swear I will send you prizes that are cool (or at least not TOTALLY crappy), and I will mail them out in a timely fashion! Just email me your addresses--my email address is in top of the sidebar to the right.

Yay! And now I totally know what I'm going to do with the rest of my day! I'll be picking out prizes for the three of you. Perfect! I'm off to shop.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Contest! And also, I SUCK.

Um, you know what I realized? I suck. Seriously, that's what I realized.

Because yesterday? I won my third pay-it-forward contest. The first was from She Likes Purple back in January, and at the time I actually told Jennie to pass the prize on to someone else because it involved yummy baked goods best consumed by someone not on Weight Watchers, and also because I knew--I KNEW--that I would suck at the whole "pay-it-forward" idea. (Incidentally, I was RIGHT.)

Anyway, Jennie totally understood my dilemma and, presumably, gave the prize to someone much nicer than me, and I felt absolved of all guilt about not paying it forward.

And THEN. Also in January, I won ANOTHER contest over at Random Rantings. And you guys, Slynnro sent me the NICEST prize from World Market, it was so cute and thoughtful, and you know what? I totally suck because I meant to do a whole post about the great prize, complete with pictures, but it arrived the day I was leaving to go wedding dress shopping in North Carolina, and I was distracted, and then it never happened. Not only did it never happen, but I totally DIDN'T EVEN THINK to email her and TELL HER I'd gotten her package. She actually had to SEND ME AN EMAIL asking if it had showed up. That's how much of a bad person I am. Clearly I do not deserve to be winning all these contests.

And also? At the time, I totally did not realize that it was a pay-it-forward contest. But I just went back and looked at the post again, and it totally WAS. AND ALSO? I just realized that the reason Slynnro HELD a pay-it-forward contest is because SHE won the pay-it-forward contest at She Likes Purple TOO.

It just goes to show, doesn't it? I give up a prize because I suck at paying it forward, but someone more worthy ALSO wins and pays it forward, and who do they pay it forward to? ME. And despite the fact that by that point, it was clearly inevitable that I was going to win a damn pay-it-forward prize eventually, I STILL dropped that ball.

GOD. I SUCK.

And NOW. I just won a THIRD contest over at And You Know What Else. My THIRD contest win this year. It's just too much. I cannot go on ignoring my good luck on the whole contest thing. I have to hold a contest of my own. I just have to. It's too much pressure otherwise.

So! Consider this a contest. Comment if you want me to send you something cool, and tell me about a contest in your life that you won, or even that you didn't win and really wish you had. Or maybe you're glad you didn't win because the prize was crappy? Or something? Fine, JUST TELL ME ABOUT A CONTEST. Any kind will do, apparently. I'll pick a random winner (so no pressure to make your comment particularly witty or charming) and send them something cool. I won't decide now what the something cool will be, because OBVIOUSLY it has to be tailored to the individual winner (read: I haven't thought far enough ahead to pick a prize at this point, because I am a LOSER).

Anyway! This is a contest! Time for you to enter! Go! But consider yourself warned: You WILL be expected to pay it forward. (Although APPARENTLY there is no punishment if you don't, except winning MORE CONTESTS.)

Small steps

When I was in North Carolina this weekend, both of my parents told me that I looked like I had lost weight since they last saw me in February. Which I have. But not that much, or at least not that much relative to how quickly I was losing weight before. So it was really nice to hear that the weight that I'm losing is still noticeable. It's easy to start feeling defeated because I'm no longer losing 3 pounds a week, easy to get frustrated because our new scale is at least five pounds higher than our old scale, because sometimes I have very healthy weeks and still don't lose weight, because my endocrinologist is still adjusting my Synthroid dose.

I've been generally feeling a bit un-centered when it comes to Weight Watchers; it works very well and I plan to stay on it for a lot longer, but after awhile it is so innate to your routine that you hardly notice it, it isn't as interesting, and that makes it easier to cut corners and not be super committed. This is especially true because for awhile it felt like I could pretty much do anything and the weight would still melt off, and that's not the case anymore.

I suppose that now would probably be a good time for me to start going to meetings, which I've never gone to, but I don't really want to. The talking and the supportive atmosphere might be nice, but they might also be frustrating, and also I just really don't feel like spending the time. The only reason I think the meetings would be helpful is just because of the accountability, and I am working on doing that for myself, through my weekly weigh-ins as well as the private diet journal that I started recently.

One thing the journal has helped me with is focusing myself and highlighting the things I want to concentrate on. And right now, to help push me off this perceived plateau, there are two things I want to focus on: snacking and exercise.

First, snacking. I'm good about cooking healthy meals and eating reasonable portions. I'm even pretty good about picking healthy options at restaurants. But when I started Weight Watchers, I was super vigilant about points and snacks. I had one snack per day--a granola bar in the mid-afternoon--and a low-calorie dessert at night. That was it. Once I had four M&Ms in a meeting at work and actually recorded them in my points tracker. I was very, very vigilant.

I'm not that vigilant anymore. I find myself thinking that if I just have a sugar-free pudding cup (only 1 point!), there's no need to add it to the tracker. If it's a cookie that someone brought to work, it hardly even counts. I'm not using all of my weekly bonus points anyway, right? So I tell myself it doesn't matter, even though I KNOW the only person I'm cheating is myself.

So! The snacking has to stop. It really is the difference between losing weight and just maintaining.

Second, the exercise. I go to the gym sometimes but not regularly like I used to. I take walks with Torsten but not often enough. I think what I need to do here is set realistic goals. No, I won't go to the gym every day--but I can go a couple times a week. No, I won't spend an hour on the highest setting on the treadmill--but I can do half an hour of medium-intensity elliptical followed by half an hour of weight training. These things are feasible. What's that people always say about setting realistic, attainable goals? That's what I need to do for myself.

So! It's time for me to get back on track for real. Because I am still losing weight and getting healthier, but I want it to go faster. And it's up to me to make that happen.

What about you? When you feel like your healthy lifestyle goals are slipping, what do you do to get yourself back on track?

Ways he has changed me

Last night Gossip Girl was on, and Stephanie was telling me how she wished that I watched that show so that we could discuss it. And I was saying yeah, I wish I watched it too. Which, under normal circumstances, if I wanted to watch a TV show? I would just watch it. And I could. But Torsten would die before he watched that show (even though he has patiently watched all six seasons of Sex and the City with me). And I pretty much don't ever watch TV when Torsten isn't there, because that's one thing we only do together.

So. That's one way that he's changed me. This is something that, if I were single and in college, might bother me--like he's preventing me from watching the shows I want to watch? But that's not how it is at all. I could totally watch it if I wanted to. It's just that because of how our life is and because of how our tastes are, I don't. And that's fine.

Other ways that Torsten has changed me:

• I am more cuddly. I still can't stand being touched while I sleep, but before I sleep and when I wake up and during the day, I like being cuddled and actively seek it out. I was never like that before.
• I am better at big-picture decisions. I think things through more thoroughly, automatically. My priorities are a bit more innate, because they aren't just my priorities. They are ours.
• I don't sleep as late. I have a more regular schedule in general. I am better-rested.
• I am healthier. We cook at home most times and even when we go out, I try to be healthy. And we walk together a fair amount, and will more now that the weather is getting warmer. And I take better care of myself, such as with the cut I got on my leg--if Torsten hadn't been there, I wouldn't have washed it as well, wouldn't have applied Neosporin as diligently, wouldn't have bandaged it at all.
• I am more sure of myself. I know there is someone who loves everything about me. I don't worry about my flaws. I know that my pluses outweigh my minuses. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want and stand up for myself. I have always been confident, but now I am more so.
• I am much more into technology than I realized. For example, I used to think that HD TV wasn't worth it for me. Now I'm addicted.
  
• I am more romantic. I notice romantic things more. I am less prickly. But not a sap.
  
• I am happier than I have ever been.
  

Puppy photos! And a question.

So, we went to North Carolina this weekend and saw my parents, which was great, but obviously not the big attraction because HI THERE WAS A PUPPY and OH MY GOD.

Of course, we forgot our camera. Luckily, my dad sent me photos. Some of them were taken this weekend (age three months) and some of them are when he was eight weeks old. And oh my god, his cuteness? It kills.

By the way? His name is Diego. Sorry I didn't mention it earlier.

Anyway, LOOK AT THE CUTE.






In other news (is there any news more important than the cuteness of this dog? I didn't think so), I realize I'm asking you guys lots of questions recently, but you are all just so useful. Over the weekend I asked you about waxing, so if you haven't weighed in yet, please do!

And I have another, unrelated question. Torsten and I have scheduled an engagement photo session with our wedding photographer for the end of the month, and I am wondering what to wear. I know it's supposed to be solid colors, but I'm less sure about the level of formality. I was thinking about a cute white summer dress, but I don't own one, so I'd have to go hunt one down. Or there's this red dress that I already own, and would probably wear without the belt:


Or something much more casual, like jeans or capris? With a tank top or something a bit more conservative, possibly long-sleeved? Or something else entirely that I haven't thought of? And what about Torsten? Jeans? Striped polo? Button-down shirt?

You see, I am USELESS when it comes to this stuff. Thank god weddings come with clothing guidelines already in place. Once I've narrowed it down to a white dress for me and a tux for him, I'm good. But the engagement photos? And all the options? Completely overwhelming. Point being, save me! What should we wear?

Waxing?

I have always been one to shave my legs--in fact, I've never waxed any part of my body before. But for some reason, recently I've been feeling inclined to get my legs waxed. I'm not quite sure why, except maybe that the weather is getting warmer and shaving is getting more annoying. But I also don't really like pain. So I have questions for those of you who wax. Exactly how painful is it? How long do your legs stay smooth after you've done it? Is it worth it, or is it just some big fashion magazine conspiracy to prepare women for the pain of childbirth? And for those of you who don't wax, why not?

Blah. And also, GAH.

I was going to write a wedding post today, seeing as it is May 1, otherwise known as t minus 6 months exactly. However, my endocrinologist called me last night with the results of last week's test, so I am going to talk about that first.

Anyway, I need surgery. GAH. I mean, no big surprise, since my dad had the same condition and all. But still.

Also, the doctor is 99% sure that it's a benign condition. GREAT. I didn't even know there was a possibility that it wasn't. And I know the odds are good, but that 1% isn't exactly comforting. So, logic would dictate that I have the surgery as soon as possible, right? Except that my doctor said it will probably be a month before I can even meet with the surgeon just to talk, so it would probably be, I don't know, a few weeks after that that I would then have the surgery? So like four months before my wedding? Otherwise known as right when planning is about to get crazy? And also not soon enough for the scar to heal before the wedding? So I can be sporting a charming scar on my very visible neck in my strapless gown in all the once-in-a-lifetime wedding photos? Fabulous.

Also, I googled "parathyroid scan" and the first thing I found was a (hopefully unreliable) website that claims the incision is typically five to seven and sometimes up to TEN inches long. DOUBLE GAH.

I mean, I know, my health comes first and blah blah blah. The doctor also said that I have a very mild form of this condition and that there is absolutely no need to rush. And he said that it was likely that I could have a minimally invasive procedure that leaves a smaller scar, but there's a slight possibility that they wouldn't remove the entire malfunctioning gland that way, which would mean that I would then need a second operation.

I had a lot of questions about the surgery that my doctor couldn't answer. I have to ask the surgeon himself. So I know what to do. Call the surgeon. Set up an appointment. Ask him my questions. Make a decision from there. All very straightforward. But I'm still going to have to think about it and wonder about all my questions until I get the chance to meet with the surgeon.

Plus my neck is one of my few body parts that I've always loved. Seriously. I know it sounds vain, but my relationship with my body is so uneasy and pretty much the only body part that has ever been free of negative scrutiny is my neck. Pale and soft and smooth. But not for much longer. Why, of all places, must my little problem area be in my neck?

Hey, you know what I really don't feel like talking about anymore? The logistics of when and how somebody will give me general anesthesia so they can slice open my neck to treat my mild and MOST LIKELY NOT MALIGNANT parathyroid condition.

SO. Let's talk about the wedding instead. I had another wedding nightmare the other night, this one much less severe than some of the others. I've noticed that as more and more wedding planning gets done, my wedding nightmares get milder. For example, one of my first wedding nightmares involved us in a crappy school auditorium in jeans with no guests, and my dad on the stage in shorts officiating the ceremony.

The nightmares have progressed as more details get nailed down, all the way to the point of the most recent one where I was running around in my wedding dress and we realized we had forgotten to get wedding rings, and were desperately trying to find crappy rings we could use as replacements. When I woke up I wanted to order our rings RIGHT THEN.

Anyway, we are in an odd place in the wedding planning where all the big things like the major vendors and whatnot have been arranged but it's still a bit early to be taking care of the smaller details. Like we can't start printing the program because the ceremony isn't together yet. We can't order the favors because they will probably involve chocolate and six-month-old chocolate is not the tastiest. I can't get a veil because I need to try it on with my dress to see how it matches and the dress won't be in until June. I can't get shoes for the same reason. I don't want to buy makeup yet because I want the products to be fresh and not six months old.

We can't order our rings yet because I am still losing weight and don't know what my ring size will be. My engagement ring is already too big to the point of nearly falling off and I am trying to hold out on getting it resized for as long as possible because I'm hoping to do it only once and also THEY CUT IT and I'M SCARED because I love it and PLEASE DON'T HURT IT.

Ahem. Anyway! There are a few things that we CAN do now, and so the wedding goals for this month are:

• Pick a tuxedo style for Torsten and the groomsmen
• Pick a ribbon
• Start arranging the rehearsal dinner and figuring out costs
• Start making invitations

Huh. Now that I have a concrete list of things to do, I feel better. It's amazing how helpful blogs can be. I just won't think about my parathyroid anymore.

P.S. Pictures of our dinner together are up at Alice's place. And they are awesome.