Weight Watchers is about health for me, first and foremost. I really mean that. I started my healthy living plan, and gave it that moniker, because I wanted to be healthy. I was worried about the increased health risks that come along with being overweight. I didn't want diabetes, arthritis, cancer, joint pain, high blood pressure. I don't want to have to worry about my health all the time, be out of breath after small exertions, be lectured by doctors. And I was especially worried about whether or not I'd be able to have a healthy pregnancy.
All of that is true. That was my main motivation behind starting Weight Watchers, and it's my main motivation behind continuing it today.
But I also just really want to be thin. And it makes me very frustrated that no matter how much weight I lose, I will never really be thin. At best, I'll be curvy and solid. And those are good things to be. But I'm 5'8", strong and muscular, with legitimately big bones. I'll never be a size 4, or really even a size 8, even if/when I get to the goal weight that I set a year ago as a pipe dream. That goal is much more realistic now, but it's still far away. And even when I get there, even though "there" is a fantastic, healthy, beautiful place, I won't be thin. Not by common standards. And those standards might be warped, but I guess I must be warped too because I still want to fit into those parameters.
I want to be slim, with a jaw that cuts a sharp line and collarbones that stand out no matter how I hold my shoulders. I want to have curves, yes, but only in the right places, and without extra flesh on my body. I want to be muscle and bone and delicate lines and glamorous grace. I want to be one of those women who look good in everything, even though I know that nobody REALLY looks good in everything.
I want to be able to strut. I want to be able to wear a bikini on the beach without worrying that it looks unflattering. I want to know that everybody, more or less without exception, thinks that I'm beautiful. I'm aware that this is horribly unfeminist and that everyone has different standards of beauty, but there are some bodies that fit into almost everybody's definition of beautiful, and I want to have one of them. I want to feel that I could be a model if I felt like it--not to ever actually do it, but know that I could if I wanted.
I know I'm not alone in this. I don't claim that the feeling is more pronounced in me just because I began my struggles to become thinner from a higher weight than most. I know that we all fight against societal standards of beauty and no woman considers herself to epitomize beauty and thinness. I know that it's problematic to equate those two things, and that my doing so means that I am buying into a very flawed, very narrow-minded idea of what beauty is.
But I still want it. And I don't think that will ever change.
New Recipe: Greek Penne Pasta
-
This recipe sounded delicious to me when I came across it, and it turned
out that it was. Also, I've reached the point with cooking where I can make
a few ...
14 years ago
Yes, Amen, Yes. I'll never be skinny either and it bugs the crap out of me. But it was just the genes I was born with. Boo, genes, boo.
ReplyDeleteI don't think ANYONE ever wears a bikini without thinking it looks unflattering. It just is what it is. But you know its about your health so you've got your priorities straight.
ReplyDeletei think being comfortable in your skin comes with age, too. when you start realizing that your self confidence projects how others see you.
ReplyDeleteWe ALL want it. I know I do for sure. Mine is thyroid controlled and it will be hard for me, even with medicine, to ever be thin. I have to love and accept myself as I am. But MAN do I wanna be skinny!
ReplyDeleteI hear you. And dude, I will NEVER be skinny. I'll never have those bones, and I'll never have that super-thin ideal body. First of all, my body isn't meant to be that thin -- I don't think -- and I have bigger bones, too. But secondly, and here's the truth that I don't even want to admit to myself: I don't want it badly enough. I'm not willing to starve myself to a size six, which is what I'd have to do.
ReplyDeleteI think women of every size can relate to this post. I appreciate your honesty with there being another motive other than health, even though it is your primary concern.
ReplyDeleteI watch America's Next Top Model and it made me kind of depressed that they considered Whitney to be plus-sized...and she's an F-ING size 10!!!!
Thank you for writing this. It's so frustrating to exercise and eat right and try to be happy that you are still never going to get below a size 10 or 12.
ReplyDeleteAnd jonniker, I'm right there with you. It's a hard thing to admit, but it's the truth.
I think skinny is way overrated. I'm so tired of magazines, books, articles, etc. showing me and every woman out there an ugly stick figured girl. I've actually always admired woman who are healthy and have lovely curves. The more variety out there the better I say. But that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI can understand this. And I agree with JulyBug. No one ever thinks they look perfect in a bikini. But you wear it anyway because you're young and you can and why the hell not.
ReplyDeleteI think body image is something every woman struggles with - whether it's daily or if it's once every few months.
You have a way of bringing such honesty to things that every woman struggles with.
I hear you. I want that too. AND I want to be PERFECT. It is a losing battle.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to be a product of our culture, which holds up skinny perfect beautiful people as somehow better than the rest of us. I want to be healthier, I want to fit into the clothing I already own, but I find it more aesthetically appealing to be slimmer.
ReplyDeleteKind of like how I know a tan is unhealthy, but I still want to have one.
I'll never be below a size 8 either, so I'm with you! Some of us are just born with bigger bone structures and unfortunately, there's no surgery or natural way to change it. Plus, on us girls with bigger bones, really thin would just look weird!
ReplyDeleteI used to hate that I have wide shoulders, big wrists and a big rib cage, but after receiving compliments on my shoulders one time, I sort of started to accept it.
Thank you for writing this. It drives me crazy that I, deep down, want to be skinny and yet I hate that I feel that way.
ReplyDeleteI try to focus on the whole health is the most important thing too.
It's just hard being a female. We are all led to believe that we need to be stick thin to be beautiful. Which shouldn't be the case. Besides, who wants to practically starve themself to fit into the mold that is considered beautiful? Guys never have to do that. It's so not cool.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I don't have to tell you how beautiful you are, inside and out, but you also know that I know the struggles of being overweight. When I lost 115 pounds, I was finally thin. And honestly? Unhappier than I've ever been in my life. Now that I'm heavier, I'm not happy with my body either, but certainly more accepting. I've come to realize that skinny girls have wants and desires, too - curves and breasts that they'll never have. Would I like to be skinny? Of course. But I don't want to be miserable. So I focus on trying to be healthy and accepting everything that comes with it.
ReplyDeleteloves xoxoxo
A very brave post...well said.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everyone has said so far and def with what Marie said. Skinny is overrated. Yeah I'm not going to deny the fact that I wish I wore a size 6, because I do. I want that. Anyways...my point is that perhaps this whole idea of skinny really is overrated. Alot of guys I know tell me I'm rediculous when i say I dont look good and am having a fat day. 100% of guys I know tell me that they'd prefer a girl with a lil curve than some girl who is super skinny. so idk. but I definately agree that WW is about being healthy. That's why I joined. My WW goal is not to be skinny. My goal is about being healthy and eating the right things- a better mindset of food.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, I feel very comfortable in my own body. You know I'm really into fitness and I've written before about how running etc has really helped my body image.
ReplyDeleteAll the same, it is REALLY hard not to be what is considered "ideal" in our culture. I wear a size 4, but on a 5'4", pear shaped person that doesn't exactly make me look like a supermodel. (Not to mention that most celebrities wear a size 0!) I realize that I'm healthier than the average person and, on the whole, on the petite side, but I STILL find things to criticize.
When will we really learn not to nitpick ourselves?
I think you speak for 99% of all women in America and I'm sure beyond.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you are making changes for health reasons, that's really the #1 most important thing.
I think you can be a size 8 if that is what you want. It may take longer and you may have to get crazy bonker nuts about diet and exercise but I'm not quite sure I understand why it can't be done.
ReplyDeleteI think every girl (and some guys) has that mentality. No matter how good you look, you may always want something to look different.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand this post. I always feel at odds with my body, and as a woman I always feel like our bodies do things without us even asking. Like when we went through puberty and they totally changed and our center of gravity got weird, and my baseball swing was totally thrown off by my swollen chest!
ReplyDeleteI feel like women have a strange relationship to their bodies because naturally our bodies change and shift, and gain and lose weight with hormones and other wacky things. Our bodies also give us a lot of responsibility at an early age.
Whenever I feel really down about my body, I like to think about it climbing up mountains, and grabbing things from high places (I'm tall), and dominating on the basket ball court. I like to think about my body as being useful, and strong. I like to imagine my body out of society, like sitting in the woods, and doing the things it does best: climb, walk, run, carry heavy things. It helps to know it serves a purpose, and it fullfills that purpose outside of the non-functional pressures of society.
and yeah I'll never be a tiny girl. I was born an amazon.
Thanks for sharing this. I think most of feel the same, even if we preach a different tune.
ReplyDeleteYou know what is sh*tty? I DID have that body all of my adult life until a couple of years ago. BUT I NEVER KNEW IT. I still thought I looked horrible and wasn't skinny. I never wore a bathing suit. I WAS A SIZE 2. And I never KNEW it.
It's sick.
Now I am a size 8 and desperately want to be a size 4. And I tell myself I will love it, no matter what.
I hope so.
I'm fairly thin but I still relate to this. I have been at a weight that was heavier than I was okay with and sometimes I feel like I'm an order of fries away from that again. I don't think that ever goes away. its ridiculous and it sucks and this post speaks to everyone.
ReplyDeleteSo true. So true. And so very honest. We all feel that way. None of us want to, but we do.
ReplyDeleteI bet even those women that you or I would determine to "fit into everyone's definition of beautiful" feel that way.
Wish it were different. It's not. But I do wish it were different. That I could have a daughter who would grow up and NOT identify with what you have said. But, as I mentioned. We all feel this way. All of us.
1) You really ARE big-boned, as evidenced by the Totally Scientific wrist circumference measurement
ReplyDelete2) This is a great post. I think it's okay to want those things, but also to remember that there are thin, beautiful women out there who want to be great writers, and emphathetic, wonderful friends, and in love with someone who loves them back, and all the other wonderful things that you are.
The truly disturbing thing for me isn't that I wish I was thinner (though I usually do), it's that the older I get the more I find things to hate about my body that I really can't change without painful, expensive surgery. I don't mind that I'm not thin so much as I mind that I'm 5'7" with a sizable chest, broad shoulders and a high waist. I can starve myself thin - I can never starve myself petite.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you're talking about. At 5'2'' and being extremely muscular, I know I'll never look like Keira Knightly. But that doesn't mean I don't want to SO BAD. I am, however, SO PROUD of what you've done so far. It's a huge accomplishment, and I know you know that.
ReplyDeleteYou speak for so many of us with this post! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWell, theoretically you COULD be stick thin; I mean, plenty of actresses have done it who are clearly of the "solid, muscular" build to begin with.
ReplyDeleteBut I hear you; it's easy for some, more on the scale of climbing Everest for others. I'm a tall gal myself and the idea of a size 4 or 6 is so impossible for me, yet seemingly so common for shorter women, and sometimes that's frustrating.
But, there's still so much satisfaction finding a sudden wealth of flattering clothing and being able to cross your legs when you want, that walking in a string bikini on the beach seems a minimal extra.
Tall gets extra points too; we tend to distribute the weight a little bit better. You can bet there are/will be some skinny bitch on the beach who envies a part of you, too.
Yup, yup, 100% yup. I will never be skinny or thin. I will always have curves. Right now, there are a lot more curves than I would like, but I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteBeing healthy is also my top priority, but looking good... oh, that would be nice too.
I'm 5'9 and 125. I feel awkward and bony. I can't say I've ever seen a 'delicate line' on my body. I can't fill out a bikini top decently, and even if I did, I have a rash across my back that looks really weird.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had more 'meat' on my bones! I wish I had more choice when bra shopping - sizes are just as limited for the small ones as for the large ones! I looked flat as a board in nearly every wedding dress I tried on.
My insides are working on accepting my outsides. It just takes time.
I heart you
ReplyDeleteI also know that I will never be a size 4 or 6 or whatever. I think part of that realization is understanding you are beautiful and loved in your own skin at your own size (what ever number that may be). Yet Its SO hard to tune out society and your mother and who ever else.
ReplyDeleteI live there too. So much so that during times in my life (like NOT NOW) when I was fairly thin and fit into smallish clothing I never ever saw myself as anything resembling thin. There was always a little more here or a little more there. I look at pictures of myself then and want to punch me for not just appreciating where I was.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Tessie left the sweetest comment ever - and she is so right.
Me too. I sometimes wish I didn't want these things. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteCan I write a blog post that is just one big hyperlink to your post today? Because honestly? I am right there with you. And though I might not have the same health concerns you do ... I do want to look good ... for people to notice ... and lately I've noticed that they've stopped noticing. Waaaah!
ReplyDeleteOh, I resonate with this one. I'm big-boned as well, and even if I didn't have an ounce of fat on my body I don't think I'd ever be smaller than like a 10. It's frustrating to feel like I'll never be small and delicate... I'll always be at best medium and strong.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I sat next to Cute New Boy at church on Sunday and was pleasantly surprised to find that because he's a big, tall guy, I actually felt a little bit dwarfed. It was amazing.
So many dollars are spent every year making us feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI find it comforting to remember that a model's career is usually over by age 18, because NO GROWN WOMEN look the way society wants women to look. Little girls look the way society wants women to look. Even very very thin grown women are not good enough.
me too. me either.
ReplyDeleteOh! Thought of another comforting thought. Even the girls who ARE "ideal" don't feel ideal. What you want is to be ideal AND FEEL IDEAL, and I don't think that happens. Every celebrity always says, "You know, I'll never be a size 0"---and they already ARE.
ReplyDeleteI'm so with you on this lol. Are we bad people?
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone, believe me. I'm on the thin side and STILL obsess a bit too much about calories and "does this make me look fat" and "I don't feel pretty in my swimsuit." I don't know if as a society we'll ever get over it. It sounds cliche but you're beautiful inside!
ReplyDeleteI want it too... and at the same time I want to be able to eat everything I want and still be that skinny.
ReplyDeleteAnd I really wish I didn't.
I totally get you. I think most of us who have been overweight want to be skinny. Even if we say it is just for the health. It might be that too, but yeah, I want to be skinny.
ReplyDeleteI've wanted to be skinny since I gained weight so many years ago. But I've been active at the gym for two years now and I'm about the same weight. The difference is that now I'm getting toned. I can wear clothes that I couldn't before.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I want to be thin but I guess I need to take it one step at a time. Good for you for doing the Weight Watchers thing!
I just came to this same conclusion last week. Getting into size 10 pants is a pipe dream with the hips I have. I try to enjoy the great feeling of being healthier as I am losing weight, but every once and a while the body envy creeps in. Maybe it is something that diminishes with time.
ReplyDeleteyou have to know that i know exactly how you feel. exactly.
ReplyDeleteAwww. I used to think like that too. I thought if I dieted, starved myself, etc. enough, I would be rail thin like my friends. No matter what, I'll always be solid and curvy but I'm growing into that now. It's sexier anyhow :)
ReplyDeleteI always think like that too. I think it's because after I hit puberty I was never truly thin that I want it.
ReplyDeleteAh, my goal weight is a weight that some people think is HUGE. But I'm 5'10 and don't have delicate features. MY thin is a size 10, possibly 8 if I starve. And that's OK.
ReplyDeleteSTUPID magazines and media that make us think all women should be a size 2 or 0 (How is that a size?!)
You know what really helped me deal with some body issues? Belly dancing. That's right, belly dancing. You don't need to be a twig for it to look good, in fact, it's much easier if you have some meat on your bones! Actually, the woman that inspired me to start years ago was probably 5.5 feet tall and about 250 pounds. But when she moved... Oh My! I had never seen such a beautiful sight in my life!
ReplyDeleteThe other side of it is that practicing is so much fun! It's the best aerobic exercise for me because I'm having so much fun dancing that I don't even notice how much exertion is really there.
I think every woman has that mentality, whether they are a size fourteen or a size zero. It's terrible that women are taught to hate their bodies. It makes me so sad. I wish no one cared about size or weight, just health, and so long as you lead a healthy lifestyle you would be happy and feel beautiful, because that is what really matters.
ReplyDeleteSince when should feminism dictate how I 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel about my body. Argh! Stupid feminism.
ReplyDeleteSome days, when I wear just the right clothes I feel so confident that weight doesn't seem to matter. Other days, like today, I just feel frumpy. Frump, frumpity.
You know, I always thought that too, but I am also on weight watchers and over the past 8 months have gone from a size 16 to a size 6 - from 183 to 133 - and I never thought I could be anything but a 12 or 10 at my lowest. I just thought my body was my "thin" around 150 pounds.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what - I was wrong. And I have continued to lose weight and am 3 pounds away from my goal. I cannot stop buying clothes because I actually do feel like everything looks good. I actually feel thin, not just "not fat."
I write this not to brag but to say that who knows if you could really be thin - maybe you're wrong. I say this having never met you or seen you but for the pictures on your blog, so I could totally be wrong, but I really did feel exactly like you wrote on your post today before I realized I really could be thin.
By the way - I think about this issue all the time as I've gone down these last 15 pounds. I loved reading this because it's talking about the same thing!
Hey, something is wrong with your site in Opera, you should check into it.
ReplyDelete