Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Stressbusting

Torsten and I had a long conversation last night about stress and priorities and work and how to leave your work at the office when it's never really done. He and I have such different jobs--mine is not always low-stress, especially not while I'm at work, but for the most part, when I leave the office, I'm done with work. I might check my work email once during the evening, but usually that's out of curiosity more than anything else, and any important emails I get during off hours just get marked as unread so that I'll remember to deal with them the next day.

Torsten, though, is always working. He works with people in different time zones, so the traditional office hours don't really apply. As a result, he feels compelled to be on Skype, checking his BlackBerry, and generally being on call at all times. He literally leaves his Skype on 24/7 in case anyone ever has a question. He never gets to the end of his to-do list, and so he always feels guilty when he's not working, because in the back of his mind he's still thinking about the next work task that he should be dealing with.

It's an admirable trait, having such a strong work ethic and being so dedicated to your job, and it's part of why everyone at his company loves him so much, and why he's advanced so far in the relatively short time that he's been at the company. He's brilliant, too, which is part of why people always seek him out for help and advice, even after hours.

But the down side to the work ethic is that it comes out of a deep, genuine dedication to his job, and a strong feeling of personal responsibility and culpability. It means that even when he isn't working, he's thinking about work. It means that he feels guilty when he's away from Skype, even though his coworkers could reach him via his BlackBerry if there were a true work crisis. It means that he was planning on bringing the BlackBerry on our honeymoon even though his boss told him not to.

And that means that his emotional energy is drained. It means that he spends so much time thinking about work, even when he's not doing work, that he hardly has time to do anything else other than collapse on the couch and yawn a lot. It means that he doesn't have a proper work-life balance, and he doesn't know how to achieve one.

This problem hasn't really taken a toll on our relationship, but I can certainly see how it would down the road. Right now I have a low-stress job, and we have no real responsibilities other than our jobs. We don't have kids, we don't have a mortgage, we aren't in school, we don't have aging parents that require caretaking. And because my job is particularly low-stress, I can dedicate extra energy to make up for the gaps in Torsten's energy. I can set up social activities, and prod him to get out of the house, and manage the household more than he does (cooking, paying bills) so that things even out.

And I'm totally fine with that. But at some point, we'll have kids and that means lots of responsibility and very little free time. It means a lot less energy and a lot more chafing. We're aware of that, and for us, the sacrifice is worth it. But that means, to me, that we need to make sure that we've learned how to manage work stress and not let it affect our personal lives--before we have kids and the stakes are higher.

So Torsten and I talked it over last night, and we came up with a plan, one with tangible, concrete steps that can be taken to help him better separate work and home. Skype will not be on at home. Work will be approached by time instead of by task. When seven o'clock rolls around, that means it's time to let everyone know that he's going home, write down whatever needs to be taken care of the next day, make sure people in other time zones are set for the evening, and then leave. And when he leaves the office, he needs to leave work as well. Neither of us wants work to inflitrate our home life anymore. And so we're taking steps to make it stop.

Just thinking about these steps makes me feel less stressed--and I'm not even the one who was stressed in the first place. I can only hope that the idea of blocking work into finite chunks of time, and putting it behind him when that chunk of time comes to its necessary end, can help lift some of the self-imposed burden from Torsten as well. Because he deserves it. And so do I.

34 comments:

  1. It sounds like you guys have good heads on your shoulders. And this type of communication is ESSENTIAL for a good, strong marriage.

    So good work!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's tough when you're working with a lot of international clients. Chris's boss is in the UK so he's always worried if he leaves the office at 6 that she's going to want something at 8.

    Good for you for setting up some home/work boundaries!

    ReplyDelete
  3. To give you a Boston-style compliment, you guys are wicked smart! So sensible to figure this out and adjust it before it's a real problem. And it will be so much better for Torsten's mental health, and thus for yours. And everyone's happy!

    ReplyDelete
  4. like you, i leave work at work the second i leave. i'm wondering what the transition will feel like when i'm on maternity leave and have to return.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm super impressed with you guys for making it happen before it's a big deal, rather than waiting until you're ready to strangle one another over the issue.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm a little jealous. Sometimes I wish I could get my boyfriend to leave work at work. He works full time at a law office and also owns a gym, so 9-5 he's in the office and 6-9 he's at the business. Drives me nuts!

    ReplyDelete
  7. My boyfriend and I have the same dynamic, except it's directed toward school. He is constantly studying or thinking about studying or making lists in his head of what needs to get done, and I'll set aside specific bouts of time and compartmentalize everything. I understand where he's coming from, and it is admirable and respectable to be so dedicated and hardworking, but sometimes I wanna shake him.

    It sounds like you reached a nice compromise, which is key.

    ReplyDelete
  8. wow, that kind of focus does tend to pool in the male gender does it not?
    OM has issues separating work and home life as well, he does ok, but honestly its frustrating when he takes calls outside of work that he has no need to take or goes in on a weekend.
    its good that you talked it out, i hope it is a relatively easy transition for T.
    once he does transist though, im sure he will be much happier.

    ReplyDelete
  9. That's really great that you guys were able to come up with a strategy to help this. I understand what your talking about. Sometimes I feel like L is tied to his volunteer pager. The situation is a little different, but I feel ya on the work infiltrating the home.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm totally Done with work when I leave too. It's hard to comprehend any other way, even though I know many people like that.

    It's so smart to get a plan together before you can't talk about it without getting pissed, ya know?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Excellent! Himself often brings home work to do in the evenings (ooh, they even supplied him with a laptop to bring home so he could! oh, yay...) and right now? He's supposed to be on vacation, but he's at work because his boss "forgot" about the days well-marked on the calendar. Yeah.

    I'm glad Torsten is making those plans to get disconnected now, instead of waiting until later when everyone has decided he has no life and can be reached any old time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My husband has a hard time leaving work at work as well. And it's not so much that he's DOING work at home, but he's thinking about it, worrying about it, planning out in his head what all needs to be done the next day. Now if you guys can figure out how to fix THAT, I'd like some advice!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am married to one of those! Turns out having a kid made things better, but only because my husband realized he REALLY REALLY likes hanging out with our kid and made some changes to make sure he COULD. He still gets home an hour before bedtime and then often does work AFTER bedtime, but I no longer feel like he has messed up priorities. Plus, it's not like I make any money, you know? I mean, if we were depending on MY work ethic we'd be living in a cardboard box under the bridge.

    ReplyDelete
  14. wow, good for torsten. it is HARD to leave work at work if you're not used to it... definitely takes a very conscious effort. concrete steps = excellent idea.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sounds like a good plan. I hope that it is painless for him to get into the new routine.

    ReplyDelete
  16. That is an excellent plan. Hope it works!

    ReplyDelete
  17. You guys are SO SMART to deal with this issue now. Good communication is so important, and it's especially important to discuss potential issues BEFORE they become issues. You two are clearly a great match for each other :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Very smart! D is a workaholic, but does leave work at work. Essential with kids at home.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is great that you guys can talk about this and come up with a plan. You are already leaps and bounds ahead in the game.

    I used to work 24/7. It was very diffcult for my COWORKERS when I decided I was working 45 hours a week, and that was it. It was hard to stick to my guns - it appeared that I was "slacking off" to them.

    I made sure NOT to repeat this behavior when I started my current job, and boy -- WHAT A DIFFERENCE.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh MAN. I currently live like Torsten (always feeling guilty for not working hardeR) but I sort of thought once I graduated then I'd have fun, guilt free times all around! But I guess some jobs you never leave...

    dear self. find somewhere low stress, okay? please?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yes! You have to set limits. I am so lucky because most people in my office expect everyone to be available 24/7, but the people I work for directly actually expect and encourage me to have a life outside of work. There are so many people that burn out here within a few years because they are working way too much. I hope Torsten is able to find a manageable schedule and that it helps both of you be less stressed!

    ReplyDelete
  22. We deal with all of the same issues with Aaron and his job. We've tried to do what y'all are talking about but thus far? Totally unsuccessful.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Those sound like good and reasonable steps. Some of the workaholics I've known say that they're like that only because they CAN be, and when they have something else in their life to fill that space (relationships, family), they'll scale back. I don't know how often that really happens, though. Once that sort of dedication to your job is ingrained, it seems like it's there to stay.

    Blackberry on the honeymoon? NO! I'm glad you nixed that plan. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Unplugging yourself is key. I'm glad he has a plan, because even without added responsibility, that pace of work can really get to you after a while.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you so much for writing this post. You have perfectly described the situation between my SO and myself, except he works from home so literally work is always right here. I'm going to show him this post and see if the words coming from someone else, ie not me, might make a difference.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Before kids, Homer and I both worked 12 hour days and brought work home. I will say that doing that while I was able to really advanced my career quickly.

    As soon we added a child into the mix, we had no choice but to scale back. Now, with three kids, we're both pretty much 9 to 5, leaving work at work people. Kids have a way of putting your priorities into perspective.

    You guys are so smart to figure this out now.

    ReplyDelete
  27. That is a really fantastic conversation to have. I think internet access in general (work and personal) really changes the dynamics of home. People can check out of the room by going online. There have been times when Sweets and I are affected by the other's use of the internet at home. I think it's a great idea to limit all of it to give yourselves more time together. Nice job!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Wow. Are you, like, INSIDE MY HEAD? No, I know you're not because IF ONLY I could think this clearly.

    This post is an awesome, awesome analysis of how work affects relationships. You described perfectly my husband's and my existance when it comes to jobs. Thank you. This helps me understand US so much better, as well.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Wow, I totally hear you on this one!

    Of course, AS is the sole proprietor of a business that simply has to put customer service first 24/7 (he provides phones and internet for businesses... and believe me, people get pissed if their phones don't work. even on Christmas.) So, it's partially the job. But AS also isn't good about creating whatever boundaries are possible in order to improve his work-life balance.

    His future plan is to sell the biz and do something lower stress next. So, for now, that's what I'm counting on!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow. . . that's an awesome thing that you guys did. And I'm sure it wasn't easy for Torsten, so I give him major props on this one. Not because he doesn't want to spend time with you or anything like that, but it's hard to change. And to you, too, for supporting him like this and helping him make the change.

    I'm really glad that you guys are some of the responsible ones and working through things like this before it even has a chance to become a problem later. Plus, you'll have more fun on your two weeker (honeymoon).

    And I'm really glad that you're getting married the day after me, too! We'll definitely get to compare :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. I think that's a great action plan and I think it's great that you two can sit down together and be logical and realistic about your expectations. More power to you!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I think that's a great action plan and I think it's great that you two can sit down together and be logical and realistic about your expectations. More power to you!

    ReplyDelete
  33. This is great, Jess and I'm happy for you guys that you've made it a point to get it figured out now instead of later (also glad that your honeymoon will be Blackberry-free!). I'm curious to hear how things are going after all the changes have been implemented for a few weeks.

    ReplyDelete