Last night I was on the bus after work and the girl in the seat in front of me was on her cell phone, clearly talking (loudly) to a girlfriend of hers. She had that tone of the sidekick friend, the one who soothes and explains and supports the main friend, the more demanding one, the diva. She was explaining that the friend needed to back off from a guy that the friend was clearly interested in, because he had made it clear that he wasn't interested in a relationship right now and needed his space. She was going on about it, softening what she was saying by talking about what a great guy he is and how he must like the friend because, after all, who wouldn't? And he's really nice and it's just that he needs some space right now.
The whole thing reminded me of that episode of Sex and the City where Berger gives Miranda his honest opinion that some guy who was giving her mixed messages just wasn't that into her, and Carrie is shocked and horrified that he would say such a thing, but Miranda is thrilled to hear it and basically has an epiphany about how guys, if they like you, make it clear, and if they hedge or seem confused, it basically means they just don't like you that much.
That was how I felt, hearing to the girl on the bus talking to her friend. That the guy who asked for his space just wasn't that into the friend. That the girl knew it, and I knew it, but that the friend didn't know it and didn't want to know it. And that the girl on the bus was totally faking it when she said things like oh he just needs his space and of course he likes you and just give it some time.
But obviously, I have no idea. It was half of a conversation that I happened to overhear. I could be totally wrong. Maybe the friend and the space-needing guy will wind up happily married for 70 years with tons of fat, adorable babies.
But it did make me wonder (and now I seriously sound like Carrie on SATC over here). When a relationship starts out with one person saying they just need some space, does it ever work out?
For me, it hasn't. I once hooked up with a guy who told me he wasn't looking for a relationship right then. Two weeks later he had a girlfriend. And guys who've told me they need their space have invariably wound up getting space and then some.
And with Torsten, it was different. I was the one who wanted to take it slowly, but I wasn't asking for space--just pacing. There was never any doubt, there were never any breaks, there was never any hedging. We liked each other, loved each other, made that clear to each other. It was simple.
I realize that some relationships are a whole lot more complicated than ours, that sometimes taking a break can really help things. For me, it's never been like that. But I'm trying not to judge other people's relationships based solely on my own past experience.
So I want to know. Have you ever had a relationship where somebody started out by saying they needed their space (or something similar)? Did the relationship wind up working out (and by that I don't necessarily mean that you are still together today)? Or do you think that SATC is right and if a person says they need their space, it's because they're just not that into you?
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14 years ago
I think SATC is right IN GENERAL. However, I think that sometimes people get scared that things are too serious too soon or whatever and legitimately need some space. Sometimes they may move on and sometimes they may come back. I think if things don't seem to be moving too fast or getting too serious and someone asks for space, my question would be, "Space from WHAT exactly?" THEN it's probably the not into you thing.
ReplyDeleteOur histories are very similar. Sweets was the first guy I dated where I needed to pace things a bit. I made the four seasons rule - no proposing marriage until we've been together at least four seasons.
ReplyDeleteAsking for space. Well, it takes two very strong people to make that work. Because the minute those words are out there, it changes the relationship dramatically. One side begins questioning themselves. The other takes the space to do what they will. Personally, I think it's hard to every regroup after that.
My husband broke off an engagement just a few weeks before we met (we started dating about three weeks later). After three weeks or so of dating, he decided he wanted some space, to date other people, etc. because he felt like it was too fast after his previous ended relationship. After about two days, he changed his mind and a year later, we were married, now going on three years of being married.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping for 70 years and plenty of fat, adorable babies.
Those girls never understand b/c they don't want to, so they end up getting their heart broken. Saying they need "space" is just the nice guy way of saying, "I'm not attracted to you"
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, needing space is a polite way of saying someone isn't into you. I once had a guy tell me he wasn't interesting in dating anyone right now. Three months later he was engaged. I guess he was right - He didn't want to date.
ReplyDeleteI've usually had the go-out-on-one-date-then-never-hear-back -from-him-again episode repeated over and over again. I usually got the point that those guys were just not into me. But I've heard others tell me their "breaks" with their significant others did them good because they realized how much more they wanted to be together (sometimes the break was inevitable because one or both had to move for some reason or other). I guess each story is different because it involves different people, but I've found that a lot of the times, he's really just not into her.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, loved your post yesterday! So awesome you got the flowers!!!
i think most of the time that rule rings true. in fact, when i started seeing the firefighter back in october that's exactly what he said to me. i'm just not ready for a relationship right now. and that went on for three months. i don't think he ever would have changed his mind as much as i wanted him to. and who knows, he probably has a girlfriend right now. men suck sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the others, in my experience, "needing space" is just Nervous Tummy for "thanks, but no thanks".
ReplyDeleteI once dated a guy who "didn't want a relationship right now", and 6 months later HE WAS MARRIED (um, not to me). BURN.
Tangent! Are you a SATC fan and are you going to see the movie?
I've never had a relationship like that...Thank Goodness! I don't know what I would do if G asked for space, but I guess I would understand and get through it if we were meant to be.
ReplyDeleteEvery relationship is different, but Husband's and my relationship has always been one of those easy, simple ones from the start. It was clear and we kept moving forward. No games, no false starts.
ReplyDeleteBUT, I did have a relationship that had a false start. Granted I was very young, but I tried to break up with my high school sweetheart about a couple weeks in. I wasn't totally feeling it and I was having fun flirting with other boys. He basically refused to listen to me, told me to chill, and then I proceeded to fall in love for the first time and we were together for a couple of years. So, I guess it can happen.
I went through this with HOM. We hooked up and he said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I of course lied and said that was fine. But we hung on to each other, though I was often sad and frustrated he wouldn't let me in. 3 years later, we're still together (now quite securely his girlfriend) and we both think we'll get married one day. So that rule? Eff it. It doesn't apply to me :)
ReplyDeleteHave a good weekend.
The not wanting to date right now saying is a guy's nice way to let a girl know he's not in to her. I've heard it used by my guy friends a million times. I think they like to use it when they think the girl is fun to hang out with friend-wise, but don't want to date her. That way they can still interact as friends, and it may be less weird. But what do I know, I'm not a guy!
ReplyDeleteGoing on a break can be good for the relationship. My fiancé and I have dated for 8 years, and we took a break for 6-8 months in year 4 (he wanted some space). It was hard, but it made us both realize that we didn't want to be with anyone else (plus we were babies and that point - 21- and I think he felt like we'd be married at 22 if he didn't get some alone time). But we're still together now and going strong!
Happy weekend!
I've been on both sides of this equation, and speaking as the person from whom the other needed space? It did not work out. Because I was immature and thought that space meant he didn't want to be with me at all, and I was overly dramatic about the whole thing, Speaking as the person who maybe needs a little space? It looks like it's working out. Stay tuned.
ReplyDelete:)
Oh goodness, I could write a whole post on this. My relationship with C has had several breaks (granted none of them were for needing space), but things have been complicated from the start. After several ups and downs over the past 5 years, we're still together and going strong.
ReplyDeleteNot every relationship is easy, and I think it can be difficult to tell if the guy really needs some time to himself or just isn't that into you.
I 100% believe the He's Just Not That Into You theory. I didn't really when I was single, oddly enough.
ReplyDeleteBut when I met AS, he was still off-and-on involved with a woman who he had dated sporadically for a couple years. After one date with me, he broke it off with her and hasn't spoken with her since. For real.
He didn't hesitate or make excuses about it "being complicated" or "needing space." He just made it so that we could be together, because he really liked me! (I didn't even know about the history with the other woman until AS and I had been together for like 6 months.)
Now I tell my girlfriends that if the guy won't make them a priority like that, it's not worth it! We all deserve that.
I think there is something wrong with my ovaries, the only thing i got out of this was "fat adorable babies"
ReplyDeleteshortly before boyfriend and i started seeing each other i went on a couple dates with a guy who i liked a lot. i tended back then to jump into things, to go full speed ahead. Boyfriend and i got pretty serious pretty fast but it worked for us. we fit together and we mesh well i guess. But this guy, it's funny because my former wing girl told me "well you two have hung out you're totally seeing each other" but him and i hadn't even discussed any sort of status and so i freaked out on him, and well...it turned out that my friend did the opposite of telling of me he wasn't that into me.
ReplyDeleteit all worked out for the better but looking back...damn was he hott. haha.
I do miss my girls back in boston because they were the queens of telling it like it is. at the time i probably didn't appreciate it nearly as much as i should have.
Remember my posts about rotten boyfriends and I mentioned the one that broke up with me, via EMAIL?
ReplyDeleteYeah- he needed space after a month. Even though I lived in Dallas and he lived in Tulsa. I don't know how much more SPACE he could have gotten. His end comment was that I EMAILED TOO MUCH.
Are you KIDDING me?
We lasted five months...
when someone needs space, they mean a lot- like as far from the moon to the sea.
JERKS
When the Fella and I met we were both not ready for serious so we said we'd casually date. That lasted about a week because we were that into one another.
ReplyDeleteI think pacing is a good thing, for me, because I tend to get carried away. Most of the time when a guy wants "space" or isn't into a "relationship" they just aren't into me that way.
I've been that person to say- hey i need space. and for me- it really clearly meant, Hi I need to be away from you because I don't like you like that. So needless to say, it didn't work out.
ReplyDeleteI've said, "I need space," when I just wasn't that into them but valued their friendship because to break it off would have been so much more . . . messy. I don't think people who need space are ever serious about it.
ReplyDeleteI think for the most part that is true, but sometimes needing space is really just that - needing space. A breather. When things get too intense for people who aren't ready for them, it's either that or burn out.
ReplyDeleteJ and I've been together for almost 10 years now. I needed my space a couple of times. He needed his space a couple of times. We always found our way back to each other. We've been married for one year and eight months now. :)
I think SATC is pretty dead on. I could expand this more and tell of my own experiences but it basically boils down to the fact that people are always ready when they meet someone they're really interested in. There is no wavering if you REALLY want it.
ReplyDeleteIt really sounds like that chick on the phone needs to read "He's Just Not That Into You."
ReplyDeleteI hate when people try to force it. Just move on, ya know?
John and I started dating when we were pretty young, and we definitely took two breaks as we made various moves of geography, school, job, etc that made one or the other of us feel like we needed more "space". And we're married now, so it works sometimes!
ReplyDeleteI've been the person who's said, "I need some space," and I literally meant JUST THAT. I really liked the guy, a lot, but I saw him at work, at home all the time and sometimes I just wanted some "me" time. Eventually, he understood and gave me my space.
ReplyDeleteThat Jason's a quick learner.
I think that taking things slow vs needing space is different. Space to me just means that they dont want a relationship with YOU. Because honestly, why start messing around with someone if you dont see it going anywhere? To me, and if other people believe in "space" that's fine, but I think it's a load of bull.
ReplyDeleteIt took Dave and myself about 2 months to declare ourselves in a relationship, and it seems to be working pretty well!
The relationship that turned into my marriage wasn't like that, but I have had a few longer-term relationships that were sort of rocky like that. My best friend is engaged to a man she dated on and off for several years (or various reasons) before settling down and dating steadily for the last two years.
ReplyDeleteI know there are always exceptions to everything, but I feel like most of the time when people need space or go on a "break" there is a reason, and usually it's something that's not going to get better after a little space.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really a space person though. Either you are together or you aren't, and if you aren't, move on. I struggle with trying to realize that not everyone is like that.
I've never had someone tell me they needed space; but I have told several someone's the same thing. And 90% of the time it was because I just wasn't that into him.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, you could totally be the next Carrie. :o)
xox
I think that when guys need 'space', that usually means they need space from YOU.
ReplyDeleteI love the SATC reference... it makes me miss the show. I wonder if the movie will be any good.
I need to hear it, if I can't tell for myself, that he's just not into me. Sometimes he's not. I need to deal. Oh SATC, I'm embarrassed by how much I love you.
ReplyDeleteI think it might be because I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, but I firmly believe in the "he's just not that into you" theory. Also, I think that when you're having significant problems in your dating life that it's probably a good thing to call it quits before marriage. A relationship that is forced will always be forced. I really think that some people are just natural couples that work together and are able to weather things. Some aren't, and shouldn't be together.
ReplyDeleteThe "He's just not that into you" concept changed the way I thought about the world. It was like a light going on. I think it's the same with friendships. WHENEVER I've been baffled by someone's behavior ("Why does he say he'll call and then he doesn't call?" "Why does she keep saying we should get together for coffee but then she doesn't respond when I email suggesting a specific time?"), it makes TOTAL SENSE that it's that they just weren't that into me.
ReplyDeleteI think it could go either way, but in my experience, from both sides, needed space always turned into a defunct relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think in general the relationships where it's just easy, fun, and moves naturally are the ones that work long term. The ones where each seems to instinctively "get" the other person. To me, that's how you know you've found the right person for you.
ReplyDeleteI've never started off needing 'space' just 'pacing' as you mentioned. Well no. Wait. I'm thinking more about it now and yes, I have indeed once found myself in a 'relationship' where, well, the guy was hot and all, but a little....smothering? So, no, that didn't last.
ReplyDeleteThe 'pacing' relationship only lasted 6 months and the 'let's actually discuss pacing and mean it' relationship resulted in marriage - almost six years - and one very sweet wee girl.
I've had one "space" relationship and it didn't work.
ReplyDelete2 sentences into that 1st paragraph I was recalling the Sex and the City episode too. Guess the stereotypes still abound.
A friend of mine spent two years in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy who always needed space and was thoroughly unreliable - and then suddenly he grew up and became a perfectly satisfactory husband. Another friend spent FOUR years being "friends" (with occasional confusing bouts of passionate kissing) with a guy who would never take the step of acknowledging the relationship for what it was - and then suddenly HE stepped up and became a thoroughly satisfactory husband and (now) father.
ReplyDeleteBoth times I was completely stunned.
I should add: sometimes, apparently, it's a true that a guy's refusal to commit stems from his realization that you ARE "the one."
ReplyDeleteI think this theory that if it's right, you know it, is about ninety percent true. For me it always has been. I've had boyfriends that I hedged with, and it always ended either awkwardly or truly painfully. With husband, we were engaged in a month and neither has ever had second thoughts. But I do think there's something to the idea that men can be frightened if they're falling too hard too fast, and may back away just out of fear.
ReplyDeleteI think SATC had is right, however my husband read He's Just Not That Into You and thought the majority of the book was crap. Although, he always gave the "I'm really into signals" so he couldn't relate.
ReplyDeleteIt's completely situational and relationships can't be worked with blanketed ideas of attraction.
I'm a bit conflicted. Because...I have a habit of only dating guys I have incredibly intense connections with. When GDB and I met, we were more or less acting like a couple. And both of us had just got out of devastating relationships. We both said we needed space, and to take it slow. Sometimes, this meant not seeing each other for three to four weeks at a time. (I guess our marathon first dates set the tone for our soon-to-be-long-distance loving.)
ReplyDeleteWe've done the space thing. We've done the relationship thing. He told me he needed space and I gave it to him and he came back anyway. Unfortunately, by that point the situation had changed so drastically, neither of us could stay. Me, more so than him, but still. So...I don't know. I've never really had the space thing pulled on me, usually because I never wanted a relationship with them previously. Usually it was them asking to see me again. (Ah, the commitment phobic days.)
That book would have saved me some heartache if I'd read it earlier. There are SO many signs that people just aren't that into you. SO many. Asking for space is one of them. Of course people can change their minds. Then they say, "I'm into you!" and it's all good.
ReplyDeleteI did that to a guy. I told him a needed space. I think I was nervous about the whole relationship thing. I was with him for 6 years after a few false starts so yeah it can work!
ReplyDeleteI definitely fall into the category of 'if he needs more space, he's not that into you'. It's different if a guy says he's scared because it's going to fast, but space implies distance and it's been my experience that even those guys who are nervous about how fast things are going (or how good it's going) don't want to be away from you. But then, I've have friends who completely disagree.
ReplyDeleteAh love. It's a crapshoot.
I definitely think there are signs that girls need to open their eyes to that say, he's just not that into you.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend that sugarcoated everything and told me of he likes you so much, he doesn't know what to do...blah blah. The whole time I was being way to gullable and I wish I would have just saw the real deal. I don't think it will ever happen again to me though, I think if you really like someone and it is mutual then no games are played and you shouldn't be scared to tell the other person how you feel.
The space thing, in MY experience, has always been a kiss of death. Or, to be nice about it, an easing out of a not-going-to-work relationship...
ReplyDeleteNot to sound bitter but... no it doesn't work out. I have been the "transition girl" twice: the girl that the guy hangs out with b/c he wants someone to go to dinner/movies/bar/[insert place not to go alone here] with but he doesn't want to date me. Whatever, I have learned (now) that I don't want to be with those kinds of guys. Back then, I was kind of upset that they would use me as a transition. Much of the time, after our charade would end (because I can't deal with "I don't want a girlfriend now buuuuuttt....") they would have a girlfriend within the month.
ReplyDeleteI don't know- but I can say that with P things moved (and continue to move) easily. No games, no hedging. We fell in love- easy...
ReplyDeleteI'd have to agree with SATC on this one. The whole "space" argument screams that the person is unsure about the relationship- probably at a deep level.
ReplyDeleteAs for pacing, thats a different matter :p
I married my very first grown up serious boyfriend. So I have no idea. But I can say that we got married mostly because we could not imagine ever breaking up. Might as well get married then, eh?
ReplyDeleteI was once told he needed space, and I tried to respect it, and then I didn't do such a good job (because I loved him, and we shared mutual friends) and then he had to be blunt, and say what he really meant, which was: I'm not into you. Go away. Forever.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the problem here is that people won't just SAY I don't like you, sorry. You can be honest and still have a little tact.
Of course, I suspect in the end the friend would still be fibbing to spare feelings, so it doesn't matter much.
As soon as I hear that I start walking. I'm not going to convince some guy that I'm perfect for him. If he can't come to this conclusion by himself then he isn't the guy for me. Anyway you should do the Carrie thing more often.
ReplyDeletePP = most horrible freader ever.
ReplyDeleteSorry I've been so busy and missing, my dear.
I'm not sure I entirely believe in the "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" thing.
Ok, in certain circumstances, it is true (I actually used that line after a guy asked me out less than week after I'd ended a 6 year relationship...), but I don't think it is as true nearly as often as it is used.
That being said, I think there is a substantial difference between "needing space" and merely stating your boundaries" (which I think can be a good thing)
I've never had a relationship where someone said they needed space. My husband and I got together after we had to really wait to be together. We were both in relationships and wanted to give those relationships honest chances. Once they were over, we then knew we had to see if we had something special and it turns out we did.
ReplyDeleteI think, that in general, relationships that are on-again, off-again, just aren't meant to be. I am clearly basing that on past experience but not just my own. Any friends' relationships that were like that, are no longer in existence.
I had one "relationship" where we kept coming back to each other and in the end, it didn't work out!
funny because Matt told Tobey he needed some space (like ignored her for a few months) and now they are married. although of course I have my doubts that they'll be happy.
ReplyDeleteoh, and then there was the time that I kicked John out and told him I could basically never talk to him again. And then look what happened. so I don't like your theory!