Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What it's like to be somewhat less fat

When I wrote the original post, I didn't intend to turn it into a series. But it turns out that losing weight brings with it its own set of issues. Shocker, I know. But here we are. Not that far removed from where we were. As they say, the more things change...

You're sort of stuck in limbo. You're not as fat as you were, but by no means have you escaped the label altogether. You're still in the plus sizes, but you can venture into regular sizes ("misses") too. Not everything there fits, but some things do.

You've learned over the past year to talk about your weight; you've changed your policy of avoiding the topic altogether. You have the freedom to talk about it because nobody can judge. You're doing so well. You're making an effort. You've taken control of your own health. People can't take your size and assume that you're lazy or full of self-loathing. Unless they don't know, in which case they can judge all they want to. But you're past the point of wanting to share your success with the world, past the point of needing those accolades from thin people who don't really know what they're talking about when they tell you how fabulous this is. You've mastered the smile and the thank you when somebody compliments you on your weight loss, even while internally you're thinking about how much further you have to go.

You do constant comparisons, with everybody. Whereas before you felt like you were the fattest person in existence, now you understand that you fall somewhere between the extremes, somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. There are people who are fatter than you and people who are less fat than you. It's hard to wrap your mind around that, even though you know in your head that you were never the fattest person in the world.

So you look at everybody and compare yourselves to them. I bet we weigh about the same. Her stomach is bigger, but so are her boobs. And you derive intense, shameful satisfaction whenever you can say to yourself, She is definitely bigger than me. You read articles about weight loss and the different weights people are at, and whenever somebody's weight is between where you were and where you are, for a minute you think that you're fatter than them, and forget about the weight you've lost.

You start thinking of yourself as not that fat, maybe even a little bit shapely, kind of cute. Then you catch sight of yourself in the mirror, or try to pick out clothes for a big event, or look at unflattering photos of yourself (most of them) and you come back to earth, hard. You're still fat. Maybe it's all relative, but what does that matter? You have so much further to go. Your body confidence bobs up and down, and often you wonder if you're just fooling yourself about the remote possibility that you're kind of cute sometimes. You wonder if even losing all the weight would be enough to end these feelings. You suspect that it won't.

You can see your collarbones now, there, not totally defined but definitely visible, noticeable even when you aren't hunching your shoulders. You're inordinately proud of this and you try really hard not to notice other women's perfectly sculpted collarbones because you really need to feel that your own little shadowy ones count for something.

You compare your weight loss now to your weight loss back then and you come up lacking. You feel pressure to maintain a certain weight loss rate, to be able to announce every week that you've lost another 2-3 pounds, even though that's not reasonable and your doctor agrees. Back in the early days, you had optimistically projected what weight you'd be at by now, and you aren't there, and you try really hard not to hate yourself for that. And sometimes you succeed.

Other times you gain a pound or two in a week, and as much as you tell yourself that it's just water retention, or hormones, or an over-indulgent weekend that you'll work off in no time, or a down cycle in your thyroid function, it's impossible to really believe it, not with visions of gaining all the weight back dancing in your head. You're a little horrified at yourself that one or two pounds can cause this level of pessimism. But you can't stop it.

And yet your motivation is waning. It's hard to keep up that level of discipline for so long, and when you see how long it's taking and envision how much longer it will take, you become even more unmotivated. Losing half a pound in a week starts to feel like a gain in terms of the disappointment you feel in your throat when you see the number on the scale. You want it to be gone. You want it to be over. And the more you feel like that, the harder it is to make it happen.

You thought when you lost all that weight you would stop thinking about it so much, that you would finally be free from it, that that would be the most beautiful thing about it. But you haven't stopped thinking about it, not at all. If possible, you think about it even more than you did. The reminders are still there, because you still haven't escaped the fat zone. They're still all around you, but more than ever they're inside you and you can't get away from them. You think that maybe when you've finally reached your weight loss goal, that's when you'll be free from all this, thin and comfortable with yourself and the space you occupy.

You push back the idea that maybe you'll never get to your goal weight, that maybe this is where you'll be forever, stuck in weight loss limbo. You push back the niggling thought that no matter how thin you finally get, you'll never be free from these feelings. But deep down, you know it's true.

42 comments:

  1. What a lovely, sobering post. I think no matter what weight you're at, you always know you can do better. I think even when you're stick thin, you know you could be eating better or working out more for the health benefits, even if you don't gain an ounce.

    And why is it so HARD not to compare yourself with everyone you see? I'm terrible at this.

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  2. It's like you're living in my head in this post.

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  3. You are so good at capturing this. Sadly, I don't think the need to compare ever goes away. no matter your size.

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  4. The compare thing- definatly do that too. And I've been way thinner than I am now and felt fatter.
    For me- I stopped stepping on scales. I now go only by how I feel (at the moment- slightly chubby)and clothes fittage. I don't have a goal weight just a goal size. I'd like to fit back into a size 40-42 which is I think a size 10. I'll never be a size 0 a) I don't have the build for it b)its disgusting. So that helps me to not fixate on what I weigh, but how I feel which I think is healthier for me.

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  5. I am at the exact same place in every way you mentioned in this post!

    I think my mind hasnt got around the weightloss yet because when I'm looking at those women and deciding am I bigger or smaller, my hubby says I ALWAYS pick women fatter than me as being the same as me.

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  6. Thank you for another great post. I agree with you on this. Its hard stuff and you're right, it never goes away.

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  7. ...even though you know in your head that you were never the fattest person in the world.

    This really strikes a chord with me. I KNOW that I was never the fattest person in the world, but still...

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  8. 1. I cannot wait to have collarbones.

    2. The biggest battle I fight is against giving myself a time frame for my weight loss. For example, if one says "I will lose 10 pounds in a month," and it takes six weeks. Suddenly, it's a failure. Instead of celebrating a 10lb loss, one is berating oneself over the amount of time it took. RIDICULOUS! Therefore, I set mini-goals and an ultimate goal, but there is no time frame whatsoever.

    3. I think that those of us with weight issues will always feel uncomfortable about our bodies. Our negative perception of our bodies is so ingrained that it probably never entirely disappears.

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  9. I feel like it's wrong to say this given that the most overweight I've ever been has been only 30 pounds or so, but I still understand more of this than I probably should. I guess that just goes to show that no matter what our weight, we all do a pretty good job of messing with our own heads sometimes.

    You are doing fantastic, though, and I admire your strength and willpower. Good for you!

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  10. After I lost a significant amount of weight years ago, I actually felt MORE consumed by weight issues. I was so worried all the time that I would go back to the way I used to be. I can relate to this post very much.

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  11. "Your body confidence bobs up and down, and often you wonder if you're just fooling yourself about the remote possibility that you're kind of cute sometimes. You wonder if even losing all the weight would be enough to end these feelings. You suspect that it won't."

    You've captured something so universal here, I think. These posts blow me away with how good they are, how well they're written, how you manage to express the feelings and teh sensations so aptly.

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  12. I think you have a way of addressing issues that affect all women, regardless of their size, in a manner that hits home.

    The very fact that you can write this and share this is remarkable. Thank you for that.

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  13. As someone who has been plagued with anorexia followed by a a fabulous time of bulimia....I can say..that these feelings are often universal.

    "You thought when you lost all that weight you would stop thinking about it so much, that you would finally be free from it, that that would be the most beautiful thing about it. But you haven't stopped thinking about it, not at all."

    That line is universal. The idea that once you achieved that goal, you will be free.....

    Since my last 7 months stay in a psych ward, which is a while ago, I have not stepped on a scale....at the doctor's office, I am being weighed but I turn around and they ensure I can't see my weight. I am normal these days in terms of numbers, I made peace with not being the skinny bitch, but the shapely bitch, which took years of therapy to understand that 100 pounds just ain't going to work for my body....

    Even now I still do therapy. And even now I have to consciously stop myself from comparing myself. Many days it works, due to my journey of therapy and self-acceptance....but then I have nights like last night, when I think of my ex-boyfriend, and swear to god, I get so pissed at myself I started crying thinking "I bet he's dating someone thinner than me, I bet wasn't this or that or the other enough."

    Ahhhhh. Fucking baggage.

    I say...remember why you are doing this, for yourself, for the babies you want to carry and raise some day, as you have said...and if you need to take some time off and just stay at the weight you are at, then do that. :) Enjoy wedding and honeymoon, maintain and when you take the pressure off a bit, I am sure you will find motivation. :)

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  14. This is such a great post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feeling, and difficulties during your weight loss journey. You are opening the eyes of so many people.

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  15. This was well-written post. All I can say is don't get discouraged. You have worked so hard to become healthy and lose weight the correct way. And no matter what size they are, I think most females compare themselves to one another.

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  16. I hate the way our minds like to screw with us.

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  17. This really is a great post. I often look at other women and wonder if they are bigger or smaller than me. I also think I look cute until I see a picture. Most pictures are not good. Some are actually flattering, but not many.
    You write so beautifully.

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  18. I do the same thing, but I bring other people into it. I ask my husband and my mother, "is that how big I am?" or "is that what I look like?" because I don't feel like I'm a good judge of my size. And when I see someone who definitely is bigger than me, I always feel better about myself. I can't help it.

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  19. Excellent post. You've hit this square on the head. I can relate to every point you made.

    Many years ago I had lost 55 lbs (and that was all I needed to lose at the time). Even when I was at a healthy weight, it would drive me NUTS when people would come up to me and say, "Oooh, you're so skinny! You've lost so much weight." I always felt like I'd been invisible to them until I became a more acceptable size. And I worried that the weight would come back. It did, thanks to a very unhealthy situation.

    Now? Now I have a LOT more than 55 lbs to lose and I don't exactly feel invisible. Disgusting? Yes. Looked down upon? Got it.

    And if one more skinny twit comes up to me and tells me if I just did such-and-such, I'd "lose all that extra weight and be so pretty." And I want to say, "well, with some plastic surgery and a brain implant, you'd be a lot prettier, too!" But I don't.

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  20. I went and read your original post (back in January) and I've never read something so honest about being overweight. You should send this in to RedBook or somewhere. My heart ached when I read about scanning the patio chairs, and how no one wants to sit next to you on a bus seat. It really makes my heart ache.

    And I think you're doing an amazing job with your dieting, regardless of what the scale says.

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  21. Another great post, Jess. I'm guilty of comparing myself to others too, especially my sister who is 7 years younger than me and has not had three children. I don't think it matters what size you are, if you have a poor body image, you compare.

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  22. Hi, my name is Hilly and I found you through what I call my "morning clickathon". Anyway, I am so glad that I did.

    As a person who has struggled with weight her whole life and is finally back on track again, I am in awe and how perfectly you have described each and every thought that also has gone through my mind.

    This post is amazing.

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  23. you have written another post where i feel like you've taken what's in my head and expressed it so eloquently. god, i wish had your writing skills.

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  24. The saddening truth is that the comparing yourself to other people and having goals to look better and be smaller and more fit happen at every size.

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  25. I feel you too...I'm having such a hard time with those last pieces of motivation to get where I want to be!

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  26. Do you know how awesome and amazing it is that you share this? You should feel such pride for being able to write so clearly what it means to be a woman and have weight issues. I often times feel "fat" and know that I am not necessarily but at the same time all your issues and thoughts and insecurities plague me as well. I play the comparison game ALL THE TIME - even did it when I weighed 130 pounds. I think these issues haunt a lot of us regardless of size.

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  27. I can't imagine how long it would take for the thoughts to actually go away. I would think at least as long as they've been around, which is unthinkably long. I think I will never forget Erik Anderson labeling me as 'Excess Blubber Fat' as a child. He called me that for years. Mostly I'm obsessed with looking at other people because if there are bigger people near me, then if anyone gets made fun of, it won't be me, probably. That's sad, but it's true.

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  28. I love these posts. I swear you are living inside my head somedays.

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  29. I am pretty sure I never thought as much about how I look as I did AFTER I lost weight. It's like, once you start thinking about it all the time, you can't really stop, even when you've dropped to a size you haven't been since 7th grade.

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  30. i compare myself to everyone - specifically girls that are close to my size. im always like, do i look like that - or do i have better legs, or boobs or whatnot.

    sadly, i don't think it'll even end for me though.

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  31. So I was thinking about writing a post about this soon but now I'm not going to because this was written much better than I could ever write it.

    Today a girl sat down on the bus next to me. I compared thighs and decided that she was much bigger than me. Then she got up and I realized that we were probably the same size. I hate that compare myself to others!

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  32. I definitely know where you're coming from- I lost forty pounds on Weight Watchers but never made goal and then put twenty of it back on and now lost ten of that, but would still have to put forth constant effort for almost a year to get anywhere near where I'd like to be. And I'm lazy.

    But ever since the first loss, I imagine it will all go away. But it never went away in my head.

    Thank you for this beautiful series of posts.

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  33. *hugs*

    i know it's not at all the same, but maybe a wee ray of hope on the feelings bit: back before i got boobs, like, AT ALL (eg the first 20 years of my life, literally) i was OBSESSED with comparing my chest to every. other. girl. i. saw and seeing how i stacked up. which, obviously, was always smaller. so when i fiiiinally obtained some boobage around 21, i was ecstatic, but continued to compare myself incessantly with every other woman i saw, even though i was more or less completely happy with my own rack once it existed. but.... eventually that stopped. it took a few years, but i definitely am not pervishly checking out all boobs i see these days. uh, as much ;-)

    ANYWAY, my point was supposed to be that i never thought i'd stop comparing myself to other people even though i was happy where i was, and i eventually DID. so perhaps that will be the case with you, too. 20 years is a long time to feed a comparison-habit, so it took a long time to break. but eventually it does break :-)

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  34. Oh boy, did this ever hit home; especially as somebody who has been fit most of her life. I currently do lose 2 pounds a week because my body fat percentage is higher, but I know that once I reach a certain weight, I have to slow it down and that is going to be a haaaard pill to swallow.

    Right now I'm less fat, but still fat and I just want to be done with it. My body is in shape, but you can't see it yet. I want to be able to see it.

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  35. This is a really insightful, honest, and well-written post. It saddens me how our bodies can take over everything else in our lives-- but we all seem to do it at such a profound level.

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  36. 1. Totally, utterly, EXACTLY how I feel right now with 40 down, 40 to go.
    2. I have been trying to put "it" into words, but I have not been able to - you, my friend, have said it perfectly. Brava, and thank you.

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  37. Beautiful post.

    I hate how even though I have success, I think about my weight all the time. Who cares? Only me! I don't dwell on other's weight.

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  38. i'm super late on this...but i just had to say...i loved this post. and all your posts related to this subject matter.

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  39. I have a friend that I have only ever known as fit and thin, and could never understand the comments she would sometimes make about herself and her body until one day she told me that she used to be really big. "In my head," she said, "I'm still the fat girl."

    That being said, I am so proud of you for how far you've come, and for how far you will go! Just focus on how much healthier your body feels. That's something that can't be measured by a mirror or a scale, or judged by anyone else... it's all yours.

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