Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Illusion of privacy

Last week, Stefanie wrote about how she has recently realized that her neighbors only see her when she is looking her very worst. And it got me to thinking about my own neighbors, both in my apartment building and in my office. And I realized that I have a very specific attitude about nearby neighbors: we are, or at least we should be, mutually complicit for the sake of creating an illusion of privacy.

Everyone knows, for example, that you can hear your neighbors in their apartments. We've all complained about the frat boys down the hall and their excessively loud parties, the argumentative couple next door, and the family upstairs who seems to take particular joy in dragging the furniture around at four in the morning. And honestly, as apartment buildings go, ours isn't so bad.

Yes, I can occasionally smell what Next Door is cooking for dinner, and yes, I do know that Other Next Door enjoys midnight showers, followed by an elaborate clothing selection routine that involves dragging wire hangers across metal closet bars that sound like they are positioned approximately three inches from my head. And yes, Upstairs does seem to enjoy a particular game that I like to call Stomping Around in High Heels In Hopes of Causing the Floor to Cave In.

But for the most part, it isn't so bad. And here's why: I can't put faces to these actions. Next Door might be having taco salad for dinner, but I don't know who they are. Other Next Door might be dressing for a late-night drag show while Upstairs is incessantly pacing to forget her sorrows, but I have no idea what they look like while they're doing it. I don't know anything about them. And I like it that way.

I don't WANT to meet my neighbors. I don't want to be embarrassed exiting the apartment in case they just overheard the very private conversation we just had, or in case they're disgusted by the dinner we just cooked. And I don't want them to be embarrassed knowing that I can now pinpoint the high-heels wearer as a burly, middle-aged man. As long as I don't know who these people are, their activities remain anonymous, and so do ours.

Unfortunately, this isn't possible at work. The people in the cubicles near mine have a lot in common with me. We work together, in the same department of the same company. We both suffer the plight of not having been deemed worthy enough to have an office with a door that closes. We sit through meetings together and we work on projects together. And sometimes we have to make personal phone calls while at work.

I only wish that I could pretend that I didn't know who these people are as they discuss their personal issues over the phone two feet from my ear. But I can't. So I propose that we do the next best thing: Let's pretend that we can't hear each other, even though we both know that we can. I won't discuss your daily fights with your husband* if you don't ask me about my upcoming surgery appointment. Don't interrupt me to suggest a great beach as I discuss potential family vacation spots with my sister, and I won't start recommending antidepressant brands for your father.

And whatever you do, when you hang up the phone, don't justify to me whatever it was that you were just discussing. Please don't tell me the background story to your child's biting problem, or the reason why your mother just had to quit her job. I don't want to know why it's such a bad idea for your best friend to leave her husband or why your cousin had to give away her dog. I want to pretend like I didn't hear your conversation at all. I certainly won't be discussing it with anyone else. In return, all I ask is that you do the same for me. Don't ask me for more details about what I was discussing, don't interrupt me while I'm on the phone even if you think that what you have to say is highly relevant. And for the love of god, please don't act like the fact that you can hear my phone conversations from where you sit means that you have the right to go discussing them with anyone else.

Cube life is barely tolerable as it is. I think we all need to sign a pact agreeing to the above terms--that we acknowledge that sometimes we will hear things that nobody wants us to hear, due simply to the nature of cube farms. The best thing we can do is create the illusion of privacy for one another by trying not to listen, refraining from offering commentary, and certainly not repeating what we've heard. In return, you can rest secure in the knowledge that your colostomy secret is safe with me.

*Note: All examples are invented by me for the sake of argument. I would never violate my cubicle neighbors' actual privacy.

31 comments:

  1. I read or heard somewhere that in Japan, it is a commonly known but never discussed rule that everyone agrees that you pretend that you cannot hear other people's conversations, etc. Something about the walls being very thin in a lot of the buildings, and they just never discuss it - it would be rude to acknowledge that you heard what someone else was saying.

    Anyway, I agree that it's a good idea!

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  2. I am so lucky to have an office. Even though we have an "open door" policy that requires us to keep our door open unless we're in a meeting.

    It's crazy that we spend SO MUCH TIME sitting THIS CLOSE to other people.

    Well, it's crazy for me, anyway.

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  3. I was thinking about this just the other day, because I'm going from eight years living in a place that I don't hear anything (although I do peek out the window and spy on my neighbors) to an apartment situation where I'm going to be upstairs or downstairs and next door to someone. And I'm actually looking forward to it!

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  4. i can SO relate to this post. cube life is not the greatest by any means. and my friend in the cube next to me and i always joke about overhearing each other's conversations. it's kind of unspoken agreement to pretend that they didn't happen :)

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  5. When I worked, the offices were all around the perimeter of the building and the entire middle was devoted to cubes. I, like Tessie, was one of the lucky ones with an office that had a closing door. Unlike Tessie, there was no open door policy, so I could close it whenever I wanted, which made office life so much more tolerable. Most of the time, though, our doors were open, so I routinely overheard all kinds of shit from the folks in the cube farm. Enough that I ALWAYS closed my door AND spoke barely above a whisper if I had a personal phone conversation.

    Oh, and I also have no desire to know my neighbors. Or the other parents at my kids' schools. And yet they keep trying to know ME, which is annoying and uncomfortable for me.

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  6. Agreed wholeheartedly. I'm not really into getting to know all the neighbors and I ESPECIALLY agree with the Cubefarms comment.

    Blah.

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  7. I was thinking about this just the other day- it's getting warmer, which means our windows are open 24/7. We're not particularly noisy people, but we do have the occassional "loud adult discussion". I pray my neighbors follow the ignorance is bliss privacy policy.

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  8. Our house has a basement apartment rented out to a really super nice soft spoken single guy. Sometimes when things get a little heated between my husband and I am worried about how much he can hear through the heating vents or whatever! Therefore, interactions are always a wee bit awkward knowing that he might have overheard some of our most intimate arguments... uncomfortable!

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  9. LOL! Enjoyed reading this. Sometimes we can smell what our neighbours did in the bathroom ...

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  10. I actually don't mind seeing and making occasional small talk with my neighbors (you know, aside from the fact that I'm never dressed appropriately for socializing when I see them), but that's probably because they all seem relatively normal and friendly. When I lived in an apartment, I was all about avoidance, though, just like you.

    As for cube neighbors, at a previous office, I once heard my then-boss on the phone with her doctor, talking not just about going on the pill, but about WHY she was asking about the pill for the first time ever, at 40-some years old. That was DEFINITELY too much information for me. Shudder.

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  11. My mother has always been a stickler for privacy. Her mantra is, "Unless you're invited in, stay the hell out!" and that meant everything from her purse to her phone conversations. Everything.

    I do value my privacy, but I also wonder what I've missed by not getting to know the people around me a little better. Did the couple around the corner divorce, or did he pass away? Does she need anything? I don't know. I don't even know her name and it wouldn't feel right to jump in and be all friendly now. It would feel more like I'm just trying to get the dirt on them or something.

    Excellent post, Jess. Lots of food for thought.

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  12. Here, here! I work in an open office, too, and sometimes you just have to pretend you don't hear what other people are talking about. Even when I am having a totally benign, where-should-we-meet-for-dinner conversation, I don't like knowing that my coworkers can hear me when they chime in!

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  13. I have fortunately never had the opportunity to work in 'cube world' but I have heard the same complaints for years. Even though I could shut my door, we are such a small company and have not only worked together for going on 15 years but we are all (management staff) friends outside of the office and pretty much know everything about anything about everyone and it's cool because I do consider them my friends.

    My staff knows pretty much all there is to know about me too even though I don't socialize with them outside of work we do a lot of socializing (happy hour in the breakroom at 4ish a couple of times a week). How could they not know when I was screaming at my children over the phone about something or another while they were in college.

    But my neighbors, hmmm... We have lived in our house for 18 years and I know everyone around me by name and we wave to the others (not like the Lost others, but the others, lol) when we pass them. We can stand out in the yard and chit chat about stuff and they always ask and we always as about the kids that have grown up and moved away but we really don't know each other's business and I like it that way. I have always wondered what they 'really' think of us(me) whenever I was having a screaming match with one teenager or the other. Oh and they see me in my pajamas (sweat pants and BIG t-shirt) ALL the time. I go out and get the paper, water the flowers, and also chit chat in them.

    Come to think of it, now that I have written this eternally long comment, my neighbors probably think I am the craziest woman in the world and should be committed... lmao!

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  14. We make small talk with our neighbors when taking out the trash, getting in the car, picking up the mail, etc. I couldn't tell you their names if my life depended on it. When I was a child, I knew every neighbor on my street as well as a few one street over. I miss that. As for the office, I'm lucky to have my own but I still can hear other conversations from other offices (which means they can most likely hear mine). I just pretend like I'm deaf.

    Hey! Did you spend your bonus money this weekend? :)

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  15. hear hear! i wholeheartedly agree, and i'm pleased to report that my cube neighbors already follow this rule quite well. except for darlene and i, who are all up in each other's business 24x7 :-)

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  16. I worked in an open plan office and I heard EVERYTHING. People just didn't seem to be bothered by it! And the worst part was they expected ME to be the SAME and tell stories and ask questions about theirs and one day I actually said to my coworker when she wouldn't shut up about something not work-related, "I JUST DON'T CARE." Which is, like, the meanest thing I've ever said and I felt SO BAD but DUDE. SHUT UP! I HAVE BLOGS TO READ!

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  17. ugh! I used to live below late night heel stomper. She was insufferable. When we would laugh at night before going to bed she would bang on the floor to tell us to be quiet. Mean while she would open and close drawers, stomp around in heels.... and the worst of all, have loud sex in the middle of the night.

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  18. It seems like some people get off on having loud, obnoxious, private, and inappropriate phone calls at work. I don't work with anyone like that right now, but when I did, it made me want to pull my hair out. I don't want to know my coworkers THAT intimately, unless it is a conversation between the two of us; NOT something I overheard!

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  19. I don't miss the cube days. Not a bit! It really does make one appreciate the movie Office Space.

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  20. I don't miss the cube days. Not a bit! It really does make one appreciate the movie Office Space.

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  21. Hahaha I love all of your made up examples. I NEVER make private calls from my cube, I always go into the hall and use my cell. Because seriously? No one needs to know my business.

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  22. I have a cube, but I also am lucky to have a door and only one neighbor. Like many others, we too, pretend like we know nothing and stay out of each other's business. As for my neighbors, its typically a friendly wave and we're on our way, generally minding our own business.

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  23. At one of my old jobs, my 'office' was between my two bosses' offices. The one boss had a white noise machine which he regularly used during private meetings. I never had the nerve to tell him it didn't work.

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  24. Even in my office with the door shut I can sometimes here my immediate neighbor discuss his most private details of his previous night through our very thin walls. Knowing this I try to be very quiet in my office when I am having a private conversation. Sometimes I wish he knew I could hear him so he could keep it down. This man is gross! It is way too much information we get from our co-workers. It embarrasses me to hear the information. I try not to make eye contact with him when we meet in the hallways.

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  25. This makes me happy to have my own office, even if it occasionally smells like death.

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  26. You're so right--the neighbor thing is weird. I'm not sure why I walk THAT DOG in my pj's every morning, as if these people can't see me...except that for three years now, they've been acting like they can't see me. So we all just play along, and I hope I"m not being filmed for "What Not to Wear." (Although for $5000 and a trip to NYC, it might be worth it...)

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  27. This sounds very reasonable. Draw it up, and I will sign it.

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  28. That's exactly how I feel about my neighbors in my apartment complex, but back in my parents' neighborhood, I love actually knowing our neighbors. I have literally gone to borrow a cup of sugar. LITERALLY. And it's so... cheesy and homey. But on the other hand, I don't share a wall with those people, don't have to listen to them have sex, don't have to (usually) smell their dinner, don't have to witness marital disputes. So there's a big difference.

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  29. I was soooo thrilled when I was promoted and had my own office. Before that, I would ask to use my boss's phone when she was on lunch. Then I could call my gynecologist in peace.

    Now, I share an office again. Booooooo! Now, I can be found on a park bench on my cell phone, making appointments whatever. Bleh.

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  30. I never said that I didn't like my neighbours, especially when they go out of their way to make me feel at ease. Maybe one day I can go over there and have anice little chat. What do you think? I like their three cute kids - they look like a nice family :)

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