Wednesday, July 14, 2010

On keeping the pregnancy a secret

I've heard a lot of people say that they kind of enjoyed keeping their pregnancy a secret during the first trimester. That they loved having something special and sacred between just them and their partner. That it was fun to whisper about it and think of excuses for things in front of friends.

I did not feel that way. I did not like keeping it a secret. Maybe you might have noticed, since I do have this blog and all, but I like to talk about things. I draw great comfort and benefit with sharing experiences and questions with friends and community, and getting advice and commiseration in response. I don't like lying or covering things up, and I found it very challenging to say "not much" when someone asked what was new, considering that VERY MUCH was new and exciting, and I couldn't say anything. I found it frustrating to think of excuses when people asked why I was so tired, or say that I was "fine" when really I was incredibly nauseous and also running to the bathroom to pee every twenty minutes.

(Also, when I have something to complain about, I like to voice that complaint.)

I felt like I was lying, basically. And to all sorts of people--family, friends, acquaintances, blog readers. The only people I could be open with was my immediate family and my doctors. It felt very strange to discuss things that I wasn't even telling close friends about with doctors I barely knew. Though of course I know them better by now.

But also, I was so glad to have them. When I called my endocrinologist to tell her I was pregnant and ask what I should do about my medication dose, she said, "That didn't take long!" because I had told her only a couple months prior that we were planning to start trying. And then I was able to say to her all this stuff I'd been feeling about how lucky we were to get pregnant so quickly and easily, all these things that I was feeling every day and couldn't say to anyone. And when I called my surgeon to tell him that I was pregnant and ask what I should do about my band and fills, he told me that in his religion (he's Jewish), they don't say congratulations until the baby is actually here, and then he said something in Hebrew that I didn't understand, but he translated it and while I forget the meaning, it was definitely very nice. And my midwives--there are four of them in the practice--have been so great.

I had some brown spotting at six and a half weeks, and it scared me. Of course it was after hours, so I called the nurse line at the hospital and they reassured me that most likely everything was fine, but paged the midwife just so I could have a more in-depth conversation about it. When the midwife called back, it was late but she was very patient and reassuring. She told me brown spotting is fine, brown is reassuring, brown means old blood rather than active bleed. She told me what to keep an eye out for (red blood, more than a teaspoon of blood of any color, abdominal pain/cramping), and said she wasn't worried at all, but that if I was worried I should call back in the morning and they'd schedule me for an ultrasound.

I said OK, I felt much better, I thought I could wait for the ultrasound until my scheduled appointment two weeks later, and thank you, but then the next day I started panicking and overanalyzing every little symptom (example: I'd only woken up twice the previous night to pee instead of my usual three times; did that mean my hormones were dropping?), so I called my midwife back. I told her I felt silly and I knew everything was probably fine but I was tying myself in knots and could I have an ultrasound? The nurse I spoke to first said they wouldn't be able to fit me in that day, but when I talked to my midwife she said she would write up the orders, they would find time for me, I would come in that day, not to worry if there wasn't a heartbeat since it was still early and a lack of heartbeat wouldn't necessarily mean there was a problem, and that of course I was worried, it was natural and there was no reason to feel silly. Then she told me that if the ultrasound department hadn't called to schedule an appointment within the hour, I should call her back, and she gave me her direct page line.

I hung up the phone feeling reassured and already more confident that the baby was OK. The ultrasound department did indeed call in under an hour, and scheduled me for a 1 p.m. ultrasound. Obviously, since I'm still pregnant, you know how that went. Torsten came with me. The ultrasound tech was great, reassuring and professional. She did an external ultrasound first, and could only see the gestational sac, but reassured me that this early in the pregnancy, that was totally normal. Then she sent me to pee before doing an internal ultrasound, where she knew she would be able to see everything.

I lay on the table in that dark room, clutching Torsten's hand as we both watched the blurry images on the screen. We saw the uterus, then the gestational sac, and then, with a bit more probing from the tech, we saw what was inside the sac. We saw the yolk sac first--it was big and round and obvious--and then, at the exact same moment that the tech said it, I saw the little flicker of a heartbeat. "There's the heartbeat," she said, just as my eyes registered the white flickering in the midst of the blob, and I laid my head back against the table and said "Oh, thank god," and Torsten squeezed my hand and then asked where exactly the heartbeat was, and I pointed out the flicker to him at the same time as the tech did.

She showed us the fetal pole, told us the baby was measuring on target at 6 weeks and 1 day, measured the heart rate--a perfect 126 beats per minute--and then checked blood flow to the area, examined my ovaries, and announced that everything looked great. I didn't care about that, once I heard that the heart rate was where it should be. I just lay there squeezing Torsten's hand and feeling overwhelmed with relief and love for this little tiny blob with a beating heart that would eventually turn into our baby.

This is the image we saw that day. Of course in the still picture you can't see the flicker of the heart, so it just looks like a blob, but the tech helpfully drew an arrow to exactly where we saw it, and, adorably, added two exclamation points to the caption.


When we left the hospital I wanted to call everyone I knew, to tell them about the fear and the panic I'd dealt with the previous night and all that day, and how beautifully it had ended, how lovely this little baby's heartbeat was, how lucky we were to have a baby with a beating heart. But I couldn't. I called my parents and I called my sister, and then I set about pretending to everyone else like everything was normal and my emotions hadn't been through the ringer over the previous 24 hours. I forced my mind off that flickering heart inside me and onto my work. It was nearly impossible but I had to do it.

I'm so glad that now we're past that part where I have to keep it all inside. I guess I'm just not the secret-keeping type.

19 comments:

  1. I loved keeping the secret. With all three pregnancies, we told our parents at about 10 weeks (and the rest of our families at 14 weeks) I told my workplace at 20 weeks (24 for my first - I took a long time to 'show') I didn't actually tell too many people - I was so afraid something would go wrong and, if it did, I wanted it to be a private thing.

    Sorry you had that scare, but so glad everything is fine.

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  2. Oh Jess that scare sounds awful! You poor thing! I'm so glad that everything is fine now and I'm selfishly glad you're writing about your journey because I think it's so interesting.

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  3. Yeah, I am totally going to be like you. I am going to HATE to keep the pregnancy from anyone- especially from my friends that just had kids. I am going to want to ask them questions, discuss what they went through in the beginning, etc. and i WON'T BE ABLE TO. GAH!

    At least we will feel comfortable telling our parents as soon as we find out- but then again, they last had babies 30+ years ago!!!

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  4. No one but hubby, me and the ob-gyn's office knew until the start of the second trimester when I was pregnant. We did actually enjoy the secret. We also enjoyed not finding out if we were having a boy or girl. We both had a feeling it was a girl, so we were actually surprised. We also didn't share names with anyone.

    This past weekend we sold off a lot of our baby stuff at a garage sale. I guess I'm passing the torch to you. :-)

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  5. Well, you know I loved the secret (which side note, apparently pissed people off, but I don't care - my uterus, my choice). Loved not knowing the sex, loved not telling people our names - which totally surprised me because I'm the kind of girl who opens her Christmas presents early. So thrilled for you and Torsten and the Piglet!

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  6. I'm glad that scare turned out to be some positive reassurance for you both - and I love the !! - I bet that sums it up well for you.

    I thought of another question: will you be doing belly pics through out your journey? :D

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  7. I'm pretty sure I will suck at keeping it a secret. my emotions are written all over my face! I will have to avoid seeing anyone or something. ;-)

    I am glad everything is going ok!

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  8. Ha! This is why I tell at about 4.5 weeks!

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  9. I finally have a chance to comment... OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! I can't wait to read about your new journey as a mom. As a mom to a 9 moon old, let me just say, it'll be the hardest, most frustrating (usually when sleep/napping is involved) but BEST thing ever. Even though everyone and their momma has a kid, it is a miracle. I miss going to my prenatal appointments and seeing my little gummi bear on th screen. And now when little man smiles, reaches for me, or cralws to dada when he's home from work.... LOVE.

    -Alicia

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  10. I hate keeping secrets, too. I'm one of those people who puts everything out there, whether you like it or want to hear it or not. That said, it was relatively easy to keep quiet about the pregnancy ... though, like you, I did feel strange talking about it so openly with my doctors when my best friends and family didn't even know.

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  11. Well, you've probably figured by now how I feel about secret keeping when it comes to pregnancies- almost unbearable! Even after three losses, when some people maybe think I SHOULD keep it a secret until twelve weeks, I still can't keep all that excitement and nervousness pent up.

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  12. I'm glad that your happy secret isn't a secret any longer. Congratulations to you and Torsten!

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  13. Scary! Hate that you went through that quietly... that's the hard thing about the secret, I guess.

    I'm so glad that you're able to talk about it now and share everything!

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  14. Obviously, you know we didn't keep our pregnancy a secret early on, and I don't know if I could have. Still, being open about it with some people meant that everyone knew, and that was sometimes scary. I really didn't need random teachers at work knowing I was pregnant before I'd even missed my period, but that's just how it worked out. It was nice to be able to talk openly about how I was feeling. I completely get why people keep it a secret, though. The fear of something going wrong is so real. I just always knew that we'd share the news of a miscarriage as openly as we shared the news of our twins, so it worked for us.

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  15. I'm glad everything was ok early on. I'm pretty sure I'll have a really hard time keeping it a secret when the time comes, too. But now everything's out in the open and you can share anything you want! I'm excited to read about your journey :-)

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  16. been there! and aren't midwives just the very best? how can you not like a medical appointment that ends with a hug.

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  17. I can't keep pregnancy secrets at all. hehe
    I loved your recap of the first trimester, and especially the u/s. Very sweet!

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  18. I'm with you, I hated keeping the secret. We told family right away but did wait until the second trimester to tell others. I went wild telling everyone who would listen! My husband on the other hand still hasn't told some people and I'm 5 months now. He would have been able to not people until I was in labor. I need to share. Especially going through something like what you did it helps to have lots of support. Nothing but good for you from now on.

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  19. I don't know how you did it. We told people around eight or nine weeks both times. Once we had an ultrasound and had seen a heartbeat, we were told that the chances of miscarriage are significantly decreased. Also, I had 24 hour a day nausea and it was hard to hide that from everyone. Good luck keeping the secret the second time around - I think I was showing the second I peed on a stick!

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