Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In the mirror

Last night I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror while I was washing my hands. I finished washing my hands but then I kept looking.

I was wearing a pink zip-up hoodie that I got on clearance at Old Navy last summer, even though it was too small at the time. My hair was pulled back into an incredibly messy bun, just done so I could take a bath without getting my hair wet. I had on zero makeup. You could see my double chin. It's much less prominent than it used to be, but definitely still there, especially from certain angles. The bright bathroom lighting was not exactly flattering.

But looking at myself, I felt attractive. Not beautiful. Not cute. Not striking. But appealing, somehow.

I felt like I was looking at myself, really, just me. Not that I'm not myself when I'm wearing work clothes, or a fancy dress, or a full face of makeup. I felt beautiful on my wedding day, when I was arguably the fanciest I've ever been. I feel strong and confident when I'm wearing a skirt and heels. I feel like my hair adds to my attractiveness when it's loose and curly and freshly washed.

Never in a million years would I think that I'd be at my most attractive when I look like I'm about to head out the door to the gym. And it wasn't really about the way I looked. It wasn't about my features, whether I could be a model, whether other people would be attracted to me.

No, I just felt capable. The way I looked in that random moment, washing my hands casually in my house, that felt like the me I'm most comfortable being. The way I looked in the mirror reflected the way I felt. It reflected serenity and relaxation and priorities. It reflected my lifestyle, going out and about but also enjoying, loving, adoring life at home.

It was me, in the state I am most comfortable being in. It was me, casual, relaxed, slightly athletic. It was me, at home and happy to be there. It was me, plain and simple. And that, regardless of what it might have looked like to other people, looked attractive to me.

Does this happen to other people? Are there different versions of yourself, or different contexts for yourself, that you like more or less than others? Do those preferences show up in the mirror? What is your favorite state of being?

18 comments:

  1. I like when I feel that way. I usually feel like that right before bed, when my face is washed and I'm in my jammies. I look like me.

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  2. I like this, and you've put your finger on something that's hard to explain. One reason why exercise is so important to me is that when I see myself exercising, or in my exercise clothes/hair, I think, "yep, that's me". I feel like myself.

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  3. This was so beautifully written, Jess.

    I like how I look right before I exercise, too. No makeup, hair in a ponytail, schlubby t-shirt and shorts. I feel real.

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  4. Aw, this post made me happy!

    It's funny, I often feel that exact feeling post exercising even though I probably look awful. But there is something about doing something good for yourself that just makes you glow in my opinion.

    Capable really resonated. Great word.

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  5. Oh, I like this a lot! Yes, I agree. I feel strong and capable dressed up to go to work, with full makeup and hair, but I feel the most like me on the weekends, hair freshly washed but not styled and no makeup, wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

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  6. I also usually feel most like myself- like my authentic self- when I'm make up free and au natural. Actually on my wedding day I felt like I was wearing a costume.

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  7. Jess, this is really, really wonderful. You appreciated a moment/awareness that is very difficult to describe. Difficult to know, I suppose.

    As I think about it, I feel this way in a stream or river, when I am fly-fishing.

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  8. That's awesome.

    I've had those moments. It's about being real, your true self, without any airs or pretenses. It comes from within.

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  9. Beautifully written.

    I feel that way when I catch sight of my reflection in the microwave. Oddly enough I don't identify myself with cooking or cleaning or even being in the kitchen, but that is where I look the most like me.

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  10. That's so great! I loved that you shared this-- we miss these moments all too much.

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  11. interesting... i know i feel better about myself / my body when i'm exercising (despite the fact that usually there is no physical difference in my appearance) but i can't say i feel more "me" at certain times. i'm always me :-)

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  12. Right after I get out of the shower and right after I work out. Love those times when I look at myself, because I like the way my face looks. All rosy and alive or something like that.

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  13. Those are the best kind of mirror glances, I'm glad you experienced it.

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  14. It depends on my mood, but I do love that feeling. :)

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  15. It's not any one kind of thing for me. Sometimes at work, sometimes at the gym, sometimes fresh out of the shower.

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  16. That's an awesome post.

    There's nothing I love more than frivolity--fake lashes, red lipstick, giant skirts.

    Except, I feel most energetic, most centered, most capable (great word you chose), after I do an hour of yoga.

    Or when I laugh so hard I cry.

    And so, I love the costuming, but those other things are things that I love more.

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  17. Yes! I know what you're talking about. There are some times when I just feel like I look like me - like I actually look the way I feel, and that usually happens when I'm in the most comfortable "me" clothes, doing the things I love to be doing.

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  18. Hmm. Usually I feel the most attractive, and capable, when my hair is sexy and I'm wearing mascara. I don't like a lot of makeup, but I like some. Heels help.

    If I were to be totally honest, I have to admit that I feel most attractive when I'm in love - it's easier to see yourself through someone else's eyes when they always look at you like you're astonishing.

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