What are your big issue dealbreakers?

All this preparation for pregnancy has gotten me thinking about how lucky Torsten and I are that we are so compatible and have such similar outlooks. Love is important, of course, but as far as I'm concerned, love alone is not enough to make a marriage and a shared life work. It's not that you have to be clones of each other and of one mind about anything. But there are certain things that you need to have in common, or at the very least learn to respect and tolerate about each other.

I'm not talking about those hypothetical dealbreakers, like not dating a guy shorter than you. I'm not even talking about things like politics and religion--while I know that those can be Big Issues for some, for me, it's more about respect, reason, and open-mindedness. I have a problem with politicians who seem to be making decisions that are bad for the country but good for them personally, but I don't have a problem with people who disagree with me politically, but still have the good of the people at heart.

For me it's more about goals, ambitions, lifestyle preferences, priorities. How do we want to spend our money? What things are we willing to sacrifice and compromise on, and what things are set in stone for us? Where are our sore points, our sources of disagreement, and how can we resolve them?

For us, these sore points have been minimal, and easily resolved. We have been lucky in this regard. But the whole thing leads me to wonder... what do you do when you fall in love, really deeply in love, with someone who isn't compatible with you in some crucial way?

For example, what would I do if Torsten were dead set against having children? On Friends, Monica broke up with Richard because he didn't want kids. Would I have done that with Torsten? I don't think it's a good idea to plow into a marriage assuming you'll work out Big Issues like this down the road. But how could I give up Torsten ever, under any circumstances? I can't fathom it, I literally can't wrap my head around the idea of it. But what would I do if being with him required one of us giving up something else so important to us that we couldn't conceive of our future without it?

I want kids. I want them so badly. I really cannot imagine what I would do if Torsten didn't want them too. I wouldn't leave him--I know that. But would I have let things get this far with him to begin with? Because say I decided that being with him was more important than having kids, that I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, and that was more important than kids to me. And I think that would be the decision that I would have made, because how could I not be with him?

But then doesn't that affect the relationship? Wouldn't I develop negativity and resentment toward him for essentially preventing me from having something that I desperately desired and even needed? But on the reverse side, if he did agree to have kids because I wanted them, wouldn't he resent me for so fundamentally changing our lives and shifting our priorities? And wouldn't it be unfair to the kids to have a parent who merely gave in to having them, instead of actively wanting them?

What do you do in this sort of situation? Do you just move ahead, make a decision that satisfies one person but not the other, and hope that it doesn't lead to conflict down the line? Or, if you need to deal with it ahead of time... how do you do that? How do you address an issue like this, where one person has to win and one person has to lose, and still preserve your relationship going forward?

Honestly, I don't know. And I feel very lucky that I don't have to find out, that this is a huge issue that we don't have to deal with. That we do have similar goals, and that every disagreement we've had has been a small issue, something that allowed for compromise, something that didn't leave anyone feeling fundamentally dissatisfied.

What would you do? Have you ever broken up with someone you otherwise could have seen spending your life with due to an issue like this? Or, have you ever decided to stay with someone despite an issue like this? What issues do you not think you could compromise on?