That whole baby thing

So, yesterday a few of you asked me to elaborate a bit more on the whole baby thing. I try not to go on about it on here too much because I feel like I've beaten the subject to death, but I realized after seeing your questions that I talk more about how impatient I am than about exactly what it is that makes me so impatient. You know? So, well, since you asked... here's some detail on how I know I want kids.

For the longest time I thought that I didn't want kids. I didn't even consider the possibility of having kids in any kind of serious way until I was a senior in high school, studying abroad in France. My host family had a two-year-old son and I loved that kid so much it almost physically hurt. Plus, I lived with him. Other than when I was in school, I saw him all day, every day. I heard him when he woke up crying in the middle of the night and I took care of him a lot and I dealt with his tantrums. And I amazed myself by not getting sick of it, and not minding the bad parts.

I mean, granted, he wasn't my kid and I wasn't in charge of dealing with a lot of those big parenting issues, but it was my first realization that hey, maybe having a kid isn't all grunt work and frustration.

And actually, I still remember when I realized more concretely that not only was I actually open to the idea of having kids, but I actively wanted kids. It was the summer after my first year of college, and I was working as a counselor at a summer camp for academically gifted high school students. I was 19 and my group of kids was 16, so I was only three years older than them, and yet I loved working with them. I loved dealing with their issues and I loved how smart and interesting they were and--and I know this sounds ridiculous since I was a teenager myself--I realized how incredibly awesome it would be to have teenage children of my own someday.

Seriously. I know I'm weird. But I really do remember. So the short version is that apparently my mind about kids changed, at least conceptually, over the course of about two years.

But of course then there's the part about knowing not just that I want kids someday, in the abstract, but that I want them soon, or even now. And honestly, that part is a little less clear-cut for me. There wasn't a moment, exactly, where I realized, hey, I'm ready for this. And I think, as everyone always says, that that moment of feeling completely ready will never come.

But I do feel ready, for the most part. When Torsten and I were talking about having kids back before we got engaged, we agreed that we wanted them sometime in the not-too-distant future, but also not right away. When we talked about it after the wedding date was set, we agreed that waiting a year and a half or so after our wedding would make sense--give us time to enjoy just being together, to get some things in our lives in order, and so on, without excessively delaying something that we both wanted.

And then I just started to get baby fever. I love babies. When I see one, I immediately want to have it, and barring that, I want to have a long conversation with its parents about all the little details that most people would not care about at all. I think about babies all the time. It's partly the cute stuff--I love seeing adorable babies in person, and in photos, and looking at cute baby clothes, and thinking about cuddly sweet good-smelling babies.

But the thing is that I like them even when the not-so-cute stuff is going on. I don't mind changing diapers. I don't mind crying babies. I don't even mind sitting next to a screaming baby on an airplane. That's how bad it is. When I hear a baby crying, my first reaction isn't to be annoyed, it's to feel sorry for the poor sad baby.

I also like thinking about the details. I want to choose a name. I want to figure out the childcare situation. I want to figure out what I want out of the pregnancy and childbirth experience, and educate myself, and come up with some sort of birth plan. I want to start looking into options for schools. I want to DEAL with this stuff, not just sort of think about it dreamily but really dive into it.

Also, our life right now is so stable. We have everything we need to have a kid... the time, the space, the finances, the mindset. We can do this. Of course we won't do it perfectly. But we're ready for it. A baby would fit into our lives. This doesn't mean there won't be adjustments, but we're already domestic, you know? We don't go out that often. A lot of the stuff we do go out for is stuff that a child could come along with. We like being at home and doing homebody stuff. We devote a lot of time to our dog, and while she certainly benefits from it, some of that time could quite easily be reallocated to a child, you know? And we'd both be happy to do that.

AND, it's not just about babies. I want older kids too. I'm excited about having kids of all ages, and watching them grow and develop, and getting to know their personalities and helping them deal with the different problems that kids face as they get older. Really, I'm not kidding when I say that I look forward to having teenagers.

I mean, some of it is dreamy too. I am excited to be pregnant, in that cheesy-movie way, even though I KNOW that the reality of it tends to be far less pleasant than the daydream version. I am excited to tell people that I'm pregnant, and I'm excited to have that moment with Torsten where we get to hold our baby for the first time.

And, I'm excited to have a baby with Torsten. I'm looking forward to doing this together, not just making a baby that has both of our genes (because there's no guarantee that we'll be able to do that, and I'd be just as excited, though in a somewhat different way, about adopting a baby with him), but parenting together. Having something that we both love so much. Even dealing with the inevitable disagreements about how to handle specific situations. I'm looking forward to parenting with him, and I'm looking forward to seeing him as a parent.

If there was a moment when I knew I was ready, I'd say it was when it occurred to us that hey, we don't HAVE to wait a year and a half to start trying. We COULD start trying earlier, if we wanted. And instead of being like OMG WE COULD HAVE A BABY NOW COMMENCE FREAKOUT, I was thrilled. Even though then I had surgery, and we have a variety of reasons for sticking to our original timeline after all, and therefore decided not to push up the baby-making schedule, the fact is that the idea of getting pregnant right now is positive.

And also, every month when I get my period, even though I'm on the pill, I'm a little bit disappointed.

What about you? When and how did you know if you wanted kids or not?