How to receive and eat a treat
If you hear a plastic bag rustling in the kitchen, immediately check out the situation. Sit in front of your owner with your ears pricked and your tail wagging. If a treat is not immediately proffered, scooch continuously closer until one is given. Continue wagging your tail throughout.
Once the treat has been received, head directly to the door. If the door is not open, sit by it with the treat in your mouth, ears pricked, tail wagging, while staring hopefully at your owner. This should procure an open door for you.
Take the treat outside and deposit it on the grass. Flop down in the grass next to the treat and make sure to rub your face on the ground. Then do a full-body roll in the grass with your legs in the air until you are thoroughly covered in leaves. If you're light-colored, you might even be lucky enough to pick up a grass stain or two. Try to roll ON the treat as well as next to it.
Once the rolling has been completed, pick up the treat with your mouth, deposit it between your front paws, grip it tightly, and consume with delicate bites. While chewing each bite, look around the yard to make sure you aren't missing an errant squirrel or other crucial situation.
How to bury a treat
Treats should never be rejected. If you receive a treat that you don't feel like eating, or you sense that your stockpile is getting low, the treat should be accepted and then carefully concealed in the yard. If the yard is not accessible to you, a dusty closet corner is an acceptable, though not preferable, alternative.
Start by scouting out your burying spot. This involves carrying the treat, even if it is a very large and heavy bone that hurts your jaw, in circles around the yard at least five times. Try selecting a spot near some sort of edge--a fence, a tree, a wooden garden barrier.
Use your front paws to dig a large hole. Make sure to send dirt and mulch flying everywhere, and try to get as much soil as possible under your toenails. Bonus if you can get some grass stuck under there too.
Once the hole is of a sufficient size, deposit the treat in it. Then use your nose and the top of your head to cover the treat back up. Flatten your head against the ground and scrape dirt and sticks forward until the treat is covered and fully concealed. It's OK if you blister your nose while doing this. Concealing the treat is more important than physical pain. Don't stop until your owner won't be able to find the treat, even if he saw where you were burying it. Then walk away looking nonchalant. The attitude to project is: Treat? What treat?
Note: If at any time during the burying process, you realize that the selected spot is not suitable, it is perfectly acceptable to dig your treat back up and seek another spot. However, don't forget that you must start the process over at this point, which means at least five more circles around the yard before you settle on a new spot.
How to alert your owner to a truck in the vicinity
While lying in your dog bed, you may hear a truck down the street. If this occurs, lift your head and bark once, very loudly and sharply. Then go back to sleep. Bonus if your owner is on a conference call when you do this. Double bonus if it's a speakerphone call.
How to lie down in your dog bed
Step into the bed. Make sure that there are no stray toys or treats in the bed that you could lie on. Pat the bed with your paws a few time. Turn around in several circles before collapsing in the bed as though you've just been shot.
How to alert your owner to the arrival of the mail
When the mail comes through the slot, jump up in shock at the unexpected noise, whine, and run into the other room. Even though this happens every day and your owner might think that someday you'd get used to it.
How to dry off
Towels are useful for drying off, but even better would be your owner's pants. Stealth is key here. Don't let your owner know that you are wet until you are already rubbing yourself thoroughly against his legs. Maybe give his thigh a little nuzzle with your head to make up for it. Unless your head is also wet. Then the head-nuzzle might not make up for it.
How to make the most of a trip to the pet store
Look for the rodent cages as soon as you walk in the door. Once you spot them, yelp, whine, and pull as hard as possible to get your owner to bring you over there. Park yourself in front of the most enticing-looking rodents--sometimes the ferrets, or the rats--and sit perfectly still, in stalking mode. Try not to shake with excitement. Whine occasionally, and drool. If your owner attempts to pull you away, go limp and force him to drag your prone body all the way across the store to the exit. Once outside, wag your tail to let your owner know that there are no hard feelings.
What about you? Would your pet have any advice to add?
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