I've been thinking about this tendency so many people seem to have, the tendency to say that your boyfriend/fiance/husband/whatever is your "best friend." Now, I recognize that this trend is ubiquitous and therefore a lot of people reading this will probably feel this way about your significant others. Which is totally cool. I'm not criticizing; I just really want to know.
For me, it just doesn't make sense. For me, a best friend is a totally different thing from a romantic partner. Certainly there are elements of overlap, but I would never refer to Torsten as my best friend or as a friend at all. It's just a different thing. I have a best friend, and he isn't it.
This doesn't mean he isn't the person I'm closest to in the entire world; of course he is. It doesn't mean he's not the first person I go to when I'm upset, or I need support, or I'm excited, or I have something I need to talk about; of course he is. It doesn't mean he isn't my number one; of course he is.
But he's not my best friend. He's my husband, my lover, my partner, my confidant. But he's not my friend. There is a different place in my life for friends.
Maybe I feel this way because of the way our relationship developed? Because we met online and the first time we met in person was... well, it was a date, and we knew from that very first day that we were going to be in a serious romantic relationship. There was never an element of friendship to it.
I can sort of understand why people who were friends with their significant others before they started dating would think of them as their best friend, because the lines start to blur. But there's always a moment, isn't there? A moment or a transition where you go from friends to lovers, in whatever sense that you choose to interpret that word. For me, when that transition occurs, the friendship ends and a deeper, more complex relationship begins.
But from what I can tell, I'm in the minority in feeling this way. Most people seem to think of their partner as their best friend, and nobody seems to really question that.
What about you? Do you think of your significant other as your best friend?
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I can see both sides of it. Mr. C and I were friends for years before we began dating, and I think it does make a difference.
ReplyDeleteIn the past, it's been harder if we were friends first and broke up... b/c you not only lose that relationship aspect, but also the friendship aspect.
I have referred to the husband as my best friend. We were friends first, so, you're right, the boundaries get a little blurred.
ReplyDeleteI see your point, but I guess I just look at it as having different categories of best friends. I've also referred to my mom or sister as my best friend. And then I have a best friend who isn't related to me and who is, I suppose, a traditional best friend. These are the four people closest to me and know every aspect of me, but each one knows a different side of me best.
I blogged about this recently! (Great minds and all...) Our officiant wanted to include the phrase "best friend," and we both instantly cringed when we read it. Our relationship, like yours and Torsten's, never was "just friends"-- sure, there is an element of friendship in our relationship, but I would never call The Fiance my best friend (or soul mate, gag). It sounds weird (mean, maybe?) to say that we're "not friends," but...it's true. Friends, even "BEST friends," doesn't even begin to cover it.
ReplyDeleteI refer to M as my "best friend" because I fully feel that in the day to day experiences, or when we are around other people and cannot reasonably be showy in our affection or sweet-lovey talk, the relationship we have really is a friendship. We talk and listen to each other respectfully, we give each other advice, we make up silly stories and laugh together and we generally display feelings of solidarity and companionship. One of the best compliments I've received about my relationship was from a friend of a friend who just met M and I, and after talking and laughing for a while, she asked if M and I were dating. I said yes, and she said "I really thought so, but then I wasn't sure because you get along so well. But I really hoped you were because you're adorable together."
ReplyDeleteI think there is something so simple and comforting about having what I can only describe as a "friendship" with your significant other. And I truly believe that a lot of relationships that end never got to a balance of love and friendship.
I see what you mean, but I really do believe that my M is my best friend.
My husband is most assuredly my best friend. Perhaps because we have been friends most of our lives but I believe it is for other reasons. When I have anything happen in my life, I call my husband first. He is the one that I talk to when I am mad, when I cry, when I am excited and when I am most happy.
ReplyDeleteI can talk to my husband about anything and it is likely that he knows me best of anyone in my life. Does that mean that my sister isn't my best friend? No. Does that mean that my girlfriends aren't essential in my life? No. There is just something about the person that you spend every day with that makes it different for me.
My husband is someone that loves me unconditionally and I feel like in reality, that is hard to find in friends. Besides my sister, my husband is the only "friend" that will never stop loving me no matter what crazy thing happens. That is a best friend.
I don't know. I see the person who you go to first, your confidant...that would be a friend. Best friend maybe not, but friend definitely, even if he is way more things to you than 'just' a friend.
ReplyDeleteSee, I'm going to take this one step further (as in, I'm REALLY in the minority) and say I don't believe in one best friend. It's such an exclusive thing. I'd argue we all have friends that are valuable to us in different ways, so it's hard to say that just one is worthy of that VIP status. I have a small circle of very good friends I refer to as my besties. My husband certainly falls in that circle.
ReplyDeleteI'm probably more on your side with this. I've never considered Steve as my best friend. Almost immediately after we met, there was some sort of spark and we were dating very soon after and have been ever since...
ReplyDeleteI feel like Ryan is one of a couple of best friends I have (along with my sisters and one or two other women I know). But, we were friends for several years before we even started dating. He was always the one I went to when I needed to talk about stuff - he even listened to me complain about my boyfriends at the time. LOL
ReplyDeleteI think that for me, it's important to have someone I consider a friend as well as a lover and a confidant and all of those other things...but the thing is, from what you say, it sounds like we are all talking about the same feelings - we just describe them differently. For some people those feelings equal friendship, and for some people they don't, but the same feelings are still there. Does that make sense?
I think this is sort of a moot point to me. I couldn't possibly explain stephen as simply as that. whatever he may be, my fiance, my friend, my romantic lover...all I know is I've found someone above and beyond all of my expectations and we're happy. I guess you could call him my happy friend :) he does drink white wine and watch project runway with me, though.
ReplyDeleteI would say "friend" is a descriptive category that can include lovers as well as nonsexual relationships. It would be possible for a lover to not be a friend, if you're sleeping with someone you don't like, for example.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend would be my best friend if we didn't have a romantic relationship as well, but the fact that we bone each other doesn't negate the friendship.
I consider my boyfriend my best friend. I guess it's because we were friends before we dated and I prefer him over anyone else. He also watches my shows with me and does sweet things for me, but I consider those things to be more "friend" things than "lover" things.
ReplyDeleteI have plenty of girl friends, but D is my best friend. Without question.
ReplyDeleteNot my best girl friend, but my best friend above everyone else.
The person I go to first, confide in, tell EVERYthing to... How could he not be my best friend?
We were never friends before we started dating, I think the friend and lover aspects grew at the same time.
i am with you on all the reasoning, but i still see how that would result in my partner being my best friend. if he's the person i trust, confide in, go to, need comfort from, AND am romantical with? it's like my best friend PLUS :-)
ReplyDeleteI am blessed with a solid group of friends, and "friend" is also one word (among many) that I would use to describe my husband. I never liked the classification of "best friend" for anyone - it implies that my other friends, all of whom I love, are somehow less.
ReplyDeleteRight now I hang out with one friend decidedly more often than others because we live nearby and have similar schedules, so we're a lot more in the loop with each other than our other friends, so maybe that makes her my best friend, but it's a fluid and circumstantial thing.
Also, I think pretty much 99% of what you're talking about here can be written off to semantics. Call it what you want, but I doubt anyone is going to argue that you have a different relationship with your spouse than you do with your other friends. I'm also very close to my mom and sister, and I would consider both of them to be my friends, but of course they're also filling different roles than my other non-spouse and non-family friends; my parents, sister, and husband are the only people I would say I trust implicitly, for example. It's a different kind of love, and if you want to use the word, a different kind of friendship.
I just consider everyone I love to be filling important roles in my life...if they have a definite name like "Mom" or "Sister" or "Husband," that's fine, but they and everyone else I love are also my friends, and I wouldn't call any of them my "Best" friend. It seems to me that the role of "best friend" is something you might need to have as a child or adolescent still in the messy process of figuring out who you are and how all this crazy relationship stuff works, but as an adult, it seems meaningless to me to label someone as my "best friend." I guess some people have one relationship, whether it's with their spouse or someone else, that is obviously the most important and close relationship in their life, and then fine, that person might be a "best friend." But it's not a label that has to be used by everyone to arbitrarily attach to one person. I say, lose the semantics and just love the people you love for who they are, because your life would be less wonderful without any one of them, no rankings necessary.
PS: I second Hillary's comment, good way to put it.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is definitely my best friend. We were friends a year before we became a couple which, like you say makes things a bit different for us. For me, friendship is part of the deeper, more complex relationship you mention.
ReplyDeleteI consider myself having several best friends. Each one from a different point/time in my life, and I go to each one at different times for different needs. My husband is part of that short list. He is my best friend when it comes to some parts of my life. But other parts, I have to go with my gal pals first. He and I have a simpatico that I just don't have with my other friends--and vice versa. But yes, I do usually go to him first with EVERYTHING.
ReplyDeleteI think Becky is right--what you are describing is the same as some of us think of as "best friends," but you're just defining it differently.
It's blurry. I agree with your assessment that a marriage partner relationship goes way deeper than "friend." And my DH and I were like you and Torsten - we didn't start out as "friends." From the minute we met, it was more than that and we knew it.
ReplyDeleteMr. A and I were never "just friends," but he is without a doubt my best friend. Even if he isn't my go to friend on certain issues.
ReplyDeleteI met my husband online too. Just like you, we were never "just friends." I feel like there has to be a place in my life for friends that aren't him. Best friends. However, he was HIGHLY insulted when I referred to a friend of mine as a "best friend." Apparently he thinks we should play that role for each other.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I need someone who is removed from this marriage to play that role. Someone who can hear everything, even the stuff about him.
But, all that said, he's still plays a friend role, in the non-romantic times, sometimes we're just friends, laughing together.
Martin and I weren't friends before we started dating, and I honestly do sort of think like you -- your significant other is so many things that encompass "best friendship" but also much more. When I'm with my friends or oftentimes on my own, I definitely don't think of him as "Best Friend" I think of him as "Boyfriend" or "Love" or whatever.
ReplyDeleteHowever, sometimes when we're being cutesy with each other we will say, "You're my best friend, you know"... and it's not that we're excluding our other best friends (we each have three in our lives that we're equally close to, it'll make our wedding parties easy to pick, LOL)... but we're just sort of saying, along with everything else that you are to me, you're also my greatest friend too.
I agree with you that your husband is so much more than JUST a best friend... however I do think he encompasses the best friend qualities as well so I get it when people refer to their Significant Other as "best friend" too.
My best friend of 10+ years "fell out of friendship", partially due to my husband and miscommunication. So I don't have an official BFF anymore, which makes me very sad. He is my best friend by default, so that I still have one. Otherwise, I agree with you, it's best when the two are different people.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. My husband is the person I tell most everything to, the person I am closest with in the world, but my "best friend" has different meaning for me.
ReplyDeleteSee to not think of one's partner as one's friend is strange to me. I guess it depends on your definition of friendship. My partner is my best friend. The very best friend I ever had. He comes before just about anyone else and his opinion matters more than anyone elses.
ReplyDeleteAnd we like the same things and believe in the same things. We have inside jokes. Our relationship is totally, "I know, right?" If that's not a friend, I wonder what is?
I haven't really thought about it in those terms. I have two best friends, and they mean the world to me. As does A. but in a different way. I am just as open and close will all of them, but I guess I see myself as a lifetime partner, companion, with A.
ReplyDeleteWOW! This is a really good post, but yes, I do think of him as my best friend, but maybe my position is different, again because he is the only person in my life reight now [I know, I keep saying this, but is just true]. Go to Antartica to live with JUST the hubs, and you'll see he will be your best friend, LOL. [PS: we don't live in Antartica].
ReplyDeleteHmm. I guess I used to.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a significant other, I might have an opinion.
ReplyDelete(That sounded more bitter than I meant it.)
Interesting post! I am in a pretty new relationship (which, like yours, began online and was dating from the beginning, not friend-->lover) and I wouldn't call the woman I'm dating my best friend. Why? Because I already have a best friend, from college, and I don't want to demote her! Even if this relationship works out and the woman I'm dating becomes my wife, she won't be my best friend--my friend from college will have known me longer and had experiences with me that no one else did. She'll be something different, and wonderful, but I don't need her to take over the title of best friend.
ReplyDeleteB and I were friends first, but we truly became best friends after we started dating. And the shift was noticeable. He was suddenly the first person I wanted to tell about the most minute part of my day, the person who I could lounge with and it didn't matter if we had plans or just did nothing all day. That's how my friendships are, too. The desire to share, to hang out, to just be. That said, I have other best friends - best girlfriends, I consider my mom a best friend, etc. But B takes the cake.
ReplyDeleteIn my family - and my married into family - it's very clear which couples are best friends and which ones aren't, and usually the clarity comes in how they react to each other's quirks. I embrace B's, his mom rags on his dad's, for example. That balance - of a true friendship with the passion of a lover is just so sweet.
I think the situation is pretty much like this :
ReplyDeleteIf you're a platonic friend first and close then suddenly a relationship develops, it can be easier to say your man is your best friend.
But like you said, you met online. And some other people, they meet people somewhere else maybe at the clubs or restaurants or their friends introduced them. The initial attraction is there the first time they talk, they don't have that purely platonic friendship in the first place. It may be hard to call your man your best friend in this situation.
I agree with what Hillary said. I feel like I have different categories of best friends. I also count my mom and my sister as some of my best friends.
ReplyDeleteI consider my husband one of my best friends too, and maybe that is because we were friends first.
I consider Mike a friend in so much as that part of our relationship has similar qualities to a friendship, but I would never say I married my best friend or you have to be friends first or any of that. Love comes in a million shapes and sizes and I really don't think there's one sure-fire recipe for a successful relationship.
ReplyDeleteI have plenty of friends and a handful of best friends. Mike is my husband. They are different, but perhaps if our past/history were different, I'd reconsider.
I have to say that Matthew IS my best friend.
ReplyDeleteI have a few friends that I refer to as my "besties" and they know me well.
He, however, knows me BETTER. He knows everything that I tell those friends, plus a billion or so other things about me.
He's earned the title.
I guess it depends on what you, as an individual, consider a "best friend" to do or be.
ReplyDeleteFor me, Mr. Lukie is my absolute best friend. My numero uno. The one I go to about E V E R Y T H I N G (lucky guy!)
Then, I have my 2 best girlfriends. And my mom. But I couldn't say that my relationship with these 3 women is identical, because each one is completely different.
And so is the best friendship I share with my husband :)
I understand your point. I suppose its all a matter of how you look at it, what you define as friendship etc. My best friend is someone ive known for years, I tell him everything and I enjoy hanging out with him. The prince is the same, but I sleep with him and am more affectionate....
ReplyDeleteI guess what Im trying to say is, alot of relationships are like friendships, but more. If I stopped sleeping with my bf today, what would we have? a friendship. A very strong friendship, but a friendship all the same.
Thats why I describe him as my best friend.
But like I said, it depends on what kind of friendships you have, how you define "best friend", etc. Maybe its because my best friend is also male that I can draw that line? Im not sure.
As I was reading your post, I kept thinking, "everything she is saying Torsten is, is what a best friend is to me!" *with the exception of lover of course*
ReplyDeleteI have a best friend and my husband, but I consider him a best friend too. To fit into the 'best friend' category, a friend has to be reliably in my life, willing to laugh or cry with me and be someone I WANT to laugh and cry with. To exclude Ryan from that is insanity and therefore he is included.
Brilliant as usual.
ReplyDeleteI have a best friend and her role in my life is completely different from Bart's role. And I'm grateful to have both of them.
I don't know. I guess I have the opposite opinion, and it's a really interesting question you bring up. For me a best friend is the apex - the person you know will never fail or judge you no matter what, the person who is there at 4 am if you're having a panic attack, etc. A best friend for me isn't just an elevation or a category, it's more of a constant that's more on a spiritual level. For some people, for whatever reason, something just clicks instantly and you'd jump in front of a bus for them.
ReplyDeleteFor me, Matt is my best friend. I don't know that we would have the level of specialness that we do if we weren't. I guess we were cut from the same cloth and experienced similar things, so while we're passionate for and about each other, we've also got that same protectiveness and whimsy, too.
Technically I guess I have two best friends, but then again, I don't. That makes no sense at all. Matt is my ultimate best friend, but I think it's healthy to have a level of separation where you can be with someone else and share something special and unique apart from your S.O. So I guess I have one ultimate BFF that I'm going to marry eventually, but in my orbit I have my BFF who I turn to when I turn and look outward.
I think I articulated this abysmally. Love that you brought this up, though. It inspired some interesting conversation between Matt and I, and conversations like this are always interesting and revealing. So, thanks for that.
I can see where you are coming from and while I think being friends with your significant other is good, it's really important to keep strong friendships with people outside the relationship. I don't believe one person should be our everything.
ReplyDeleteI can kind of see what you mean, in that I would never call Tim my best friend, in fact that would make me cringe, but... everything that I value in my closest friends I get squared from him - knowing me inside out; how to deal with my various emotional states; how to be silent together; when to just hug or hold hands (which I also do with my closest girl friends when we need to); shared values and sense of humour; enjoying doing a lot of the same things together, right down to the silly stuff; and of course love and affection.
ReplyDeleteWe were never friends first, not really, but we also started dating very slowly and uncertainly so our friendship grew alongside the other stuff. It's something we both put a lot of value on.
Like Sparkel said, a lot of the time we're just two people hanging out together, whether because we're in company or because we're just not lovey dovey _all_ the time. And at those times there is no better way of describing our relationship than best friends.
So yeah, I would generally avoid calling Tim my best friend but if I'm totally honest with myself...he is.
I never liked that phrase either.
ReplyDeleteWe're close, closer than friends I have, but to say "he is my best friend" seems to fall short of the quality of the relationship I have with him.
My husband and I consider each other our respective best friends. We weren't exactly friends before dating, more casual acquaintances. Obviously, we aren't 'best friends' in a platonic sense, because there is clearly the romantic/passionate/sexual element which isn't found in friendships. I don't think that the 'best friend' label can be taken too literally (i.e. to the exclusion of a romantic relationship). My husband is the first person I'd confide in, make life decisions with, and share my everyday life with.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I can't call LJ my best friend because although I love him and he means the world to me its not the same. If that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, I have a best friend and The Boy is not it.
ReplyDeleteBut The Boy and I are closer in a multitude of other ways....it's kinda apples and oranges in my opinion.
I agree with you. Paul and I were good friends for more than 3 years before we started dating, and I STILL don't call him my best friend, and I'm always a little curious about the marriages of "best friends" are like. Seems platonic and greeting-cardish. But maybe they're just using the term differently.
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ReplyDeleteReading over the comments, I can see for sure that it is indeed a question of semantics. Paul IS the person I'm closest to; he IS the person I hang out with and have fun with; our relationship certainly contains the positive words other people are using to prove friendship---but he's not my friend, he's my spouse. Spouse is higher than friend to me. It's not "friend plus more," it's not "best friend," it's a totally different and incompatible thing.
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