My fault

On Saturday I caused a car accident for the first time in my life.

It was a relatively minor crash, in that nobody was seriously hurt. Torsten and I were in our car, with a friend of his. We were driving on a four-lane road that had patches of stop and go traffic. I was driving. I was going maybe 40 or 50 miles per hour, as was the car in front of me, an SUV that was blocking my view of the road in front of it. I was maintaining a reasonable distance from that car.

I guess what happened was that the SUV could see that the traffic in our lane was at a standstill up ahead, so decided to change lanes. Since the SUV was so much higher than me, I couldn't see that, so I had no idea that there was a car stopped in front of me until the SUV moved out of my lane, and at that point it was too late. I stood on the brake as far as I could and I came close--so wrenchingly, bitterly close--to not hitting the car in front of me. But I did.

The only car accident I've ever been involved with was when I was five years old and my carpool driver spun out on a patch of ice and landed in a ditch. I have never been at the wheel. I had no idea what it was like. I could see as it was happening that we were going to hit them. I could hear the brakes squealing and I was totally aware of what was about to happen. I was hoping against hope that we could stop in time or at the very least just give the car in front of us a gentle tap.

I did manage to slow down enough to make the accident relatively minor. We hit the car in front of us, and she bounced off the car in front of her, but so lightly that the third car had no damage, and the front of her car didn't have damage either. Her back bumper was banged up, but it wasn't terrible.

Our car definitely took the worst of it. The hood crumpled, but not completely. The radiator definitely burst, and leaked all over the ground. I think I killed the battery too. One headlight broke and the metal Honda logo popped right off the car. The front bumper totally bent. I think a total of three, maybe four, panels will need to be replaced. I think and hope that the engine is pretty much fine. The car was still running after the accident, because I was able to pull over onto the shoulder before turning the car off. I don't think it's totaled.

I wasn't looking at the speedometer when it happened, but I don't think we can possibly have been going more than ten miles per hour. The airbags didn't deploy. And yet, it was scary. Torsten and I were both thrown against our seat belts hard enough to feel it in our chests for awhile afterward. My sunglasses, which were on top of my head, flew across the car. Torsten's friend, who had braced himself for impact (which is actually dangerous as more impact transfers to you if you stiffen your muscles) didn't hit his seatbelt, but he did have some pain in his knee, which he had used to brace himself, that went away later.

The girl in the car we hit said that her neck hurt when she moved it, so as a precaution she was taken to the hospital. The police and firefighters who were there agreed that if she has any injuries, they are very likely quite minor.

Financially, the accident will cost us $500 for our insurance deductible and $115 for the 2-point "careless driving" ticket I was issued (and that could have been worse--the cop could have also cited me for "following too closely," but after I told him how it happened, he opted not to), plus the increase in our insurance premium cost.

Practically, it cost us 4 or 5 hours of our day as we dealt with police and tow trucks and rental cars (thankfully all paid for by our insurance company--and can I just say that it is absolutely worth getting the best possible insurance? Because this was a minor accident and yet it will probably cost our insurance company $10,000 in repairs, hospital bills, rental cars, towing, etc.).

But OMG, it was so scary. Looking back, I'm surprised I didn't burst into tears when it happened, although I came close several times. I got out of the car and asked the girl I hit if she was OK, and she said that she was OK except for her neck, and I told her that I was totally aware that I had crashed into her, and that I had insurance (even though apparently you aren't supposed to say these things after an accident, as it turns out--but I don't think it mattered).

I kept just telling everyone that I was so sorry. It was just so surreal, standing there on the left shoulder of the road calling 911, and watching cars drive by with their drivers staring at us, and seeing our car that we love sitting there all crushed, and watching the girl from the other car get checked out and then taken away in an ambulance, and talking to the cop. And all the details that had to be worked out and trying to talk to the insurance agent on the phone over the sound of four lanes of traffic rushing by. And hearing the traffic report on the tow truck's radio refer to our accident as a "three-car pileup."

And it's also scary because I can only imagine how much worse so many other accidents are. High-speed accidents, full-on collisions... if all this happened at 10 MPH, what could happen at 50 MPH or more? That's something that I don't want to even think about.

I know we're lucky, that it could have been so much worse and that nobody really got hurt and that damage to cars can be repaired. But I keep thinking about how it could have been avoided--not really in the moment, because there really wasn't anything I could have done that I didn't do--but like how when we were leaving that day Torsten asked me if I wanted him to drive, and I said no, I was fine, and how we had run another errand first which had caused us to leave later, and so on. I know the "what if" game is pointless and especially in this case where everything turned out basically fine, but I can't stop playing it.

And I feel so guilty. Torsten and his friend are both being so nice about it, and not angry or blaming me and reminding me that there wasn't really anything I could do, but I just feel so stupid and sorry about the whole thing. I keep thinking that if someone else had been driving it wouldn't have happened and that I shouldn't have allowed it to happen either.

I feel so bad for the girl I hit for ruining her day and sending her to the hospital, even though it seems that she'll be totally fine, and for scaring the shit out of her and inconveniencing her with car repairs and all the rest. I feel so bad that we had a friend come visit us and I welcomed him by crashing the car while he was riding in it. I feel bad that I cost us money when we're trying so hard to save right now. I just feel incredibly guilty about all of it, even though I know I'm the only one who's blaming anyone (except maybe the girl we hit--I have no idea what she thinks).

We took pictures of the accident scene in case we needed them for insurance or something, but I don't really feel like posting them here.