Dear Torsten

i.
Sometimes it's easy to forget what it's like to be in love even when you are in love because the daily routine takes over. Even when the little things you do for each other are driven by that love. Sometimes the love takes a back burner and it's not immediate, it's not in your face. But it seeps into the cracks and it colors everything you do and the way you look at things and the choices you make. It's there even when you aren't thinking about it. You're aware of it even when you aren't aware of being aware.

ii.
I sleep better knowing you're there in the bed with me, even if we're not touching, though usually we are. I fall asleep better with my head tucked against you, feeling you breathe. I don't wake up at night when you're next to me. I love waking up in the morning and looking at the sun and the blue sky through the window and hearing you move around as you get ready for your day. I love that if you see that I'm awake you always come over and kiss me good morning and touch my face and smile at me.

iii.
Sometimes it's easy to get frustrated about the little things. You do not always pay attention and therefore you often forget things. I have learned not to read into this. You don't forget to buy milk because you don't care about me. You forget to buy milk because you aren't thinking about buying milk. Plain and simple.

It is so much easier to focus on the things that are wrong than the things that are right. It is so easy to focus on how you forgot a bowl of cereal in your office until the milk turned solid, and you worked later than you thought you would so we didn't get to go to the gym, and you still haven't submitted your expense report for your last business trip.

But you also cook dinner almost every day, and bring me a glass of water whenever I ask and sometimes when I don't ask. You remind me to take your vitamins and you tell everyone how amazing I am and you rub my back. You clean the kitchen unprompted and you buy me chocolate when you stop at Whole Foods. You don't place expectations on me and you don't assume that certain things are my job and not yours. You listen to me babble about things that you cannot possibly have any interest in and you sit through chick flicks with me. You always try to do good and you put others before yourself, sometimes too much so. You have as much respect for me as you do for yourself and that is reflected in everything that you do.

iv.
At our wedding we wrote words to say to each other during the ceremony, before the vows. Neither of us saw or heard what the other had written until the ceremony. You went first and I cried the whole time. So many things that you said were also written on my own sheet. Sometimes word for word. Even though we wrote them separately.

And so many things that you said weren't written on my sheet, but were all you and absolutely perfect. And so, I cried. And then you finished and then it was my turn and I had to take a minute to compose myself. While I was doing that I heard my mom whisper to my dad in the front row, "She should have gone first so she wouldn't have been crying." And then I laughed, and then I was fine. But also I was fine because you were there having just articulated so beautifully why it is that you wanted to marry me and you had tears in your eyes too. And I was so happy that I was marrying you.

v.
I will always be happy to be married to you.