Bodies vs. bodies

Last night in water aerobics class, I realized something: I do not have an accurate concept of my own body size. And, as a result, I do constant comparisons with other women.

This realization came about when I looked at this one woman in the class who is really very large, and then I thought to myself, Really, she's not much bigger than me. And then I wondered if that was true. She was in a bathing suit, so it was fairly easy to compare. So I looked at her for a little while and assessed that in fact, yes, she is a fair amount larger than me. Every body part of her is bigger than the same body part on me. And yet, when I looked at her I assumed that we were the same size. That's a problem.

But more importantly, why am I even comparing? Why am I examining this woman intently to decide who is larger? Why do I need to know? Why does it matter? Why do I feel better if I ultimately determine that I am not the larger person?

I didn't have weight-loss surgery so that I could be thinner in comparison to other people. Sure, I look forward to fitting easily into all seats, no matter how narrow. And being able to wear clothes that aren't available in plus sizes. And a million other things that come along with being thin, or at least not fat, and yet aren't related to health.

But the main reason I had this surgery was for my health, and for my own sanity. So that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life constantly obsessing over my weight and doing unhealthy things to my body because of it. So that I wouldn't have to worry about diabetes, and high cholesterol, and high-risk pregnancy. I did it for me.

So why am I looking at other women, trying to decide who's fatter? Why do I have this constant need to compare?

I think part of it is that we have this societal set-up that there is a correct weight, a good weight range, and anyone whose weight falls outside of that range, and specifically ABOVE that weight range, is not good. We make being thin the holy grail, the thing everyone aspires to, and we set it up as this virtue. If you're thin, it's because you DESERVE to be thin. Being thin means that you are strong, and beautiful, and that you have self-control.

And in order to believe all these good things about being thin, we have to set up its opposite as not good. Which means that Fat is Bad. Therefore, overweight people? They must have emotional or psychological problems that cause them to overeat. They must have no willpower whatsoever. They must be weak and lazy and greedy. Because if being thin implies that you are NOT those things, then necessarily, being fat implies that you are.

Which, first of all, not all fat people are fat because they have no self-control and overeat compulsively. And some compulsive overeaters are at a perfectly healthy weight.

But here's my question. Say I were a compulsive overeater with no self-control, and I had surgery to correct that. What would be WRONG with that? Nothing at all, right? Nobody makes perfect choices and everyone has flaws, some of which are dangerous. Even if I were a compulsive overeater, I shouldn't feel GUILTY about liking to eat. I should recognize that it would be causing me health problems, and that perhaps there were some underlying emotional issues that I needed to deal with, and I should work to fix those things. But eating too much doesn't make you a bad person.

And yet, we as a society act as though it does. We set up these categories and we beat ourselves up if we don't fall into the premium category, the creme de la creme, the thin category. We apply these negative feelings about our own body size to every other area of our life. And we use such negative words to talk about our food and exercise choices: I was bad. I was lazy. I was unmotivated. I was wrong. I was a sloth. I am a whale.

And then, how do we make ourselves feel better after we've told ourselves all these horrible things? Well, there might be thinner people, and by virtue of being thinner they are clearly also stronger, better, and more deserving... but there are also fatter people. And that means that those people are weaker, worse, and less deserving.

Even if you don't articulate it like that. Even if you are horrified at the very thought of ever looking at someone fatter than you and thinking bad things about them because of their size. Subtly, subconsciously, those thoughts are there. You compare, and if you come out smaller, you win some kind of unacknowledged battle.

But as long as we keep comparing ourselves to each other, we'll never win the war.