Talking to future kids about my surgery

I've been thinking recently about how to address the topic of my surgery with our future children. I haven't come to any conclusions. In fact, I'm a little stuck.

I have a lot of opinions about the so-called "obesity epidemic" and accompanying panic, the conflation of "fat" and "unhealthy," size prejudice, body acceptance, and how these things all fit together. I've been thinking for awhile about how to address these issues with our kids, or not address them.

I've written about this before, but my basic thought is that I want to encourage--and model--healthy lifestyle choices for my kids, without linking those choices to a concept of weight. If my kids are eating healthy portions of nutritious foods and getting lots of physical activity, that's great. If they also tend toward overweight--which, as much as I hope that they will inherit their body-size genes from Torsten, is relatively likely, given my own genetics--that's not something I want to focus on.

Now, Tess has a Policy about not discussing weight with her kids at all, and I totally understand and appreciate that policy, and intend to adhere to it in a certain way. I do not want to expose my kids to people lamenting their own bodies, or talking about how they'd like to lose weight, or making comments that seem offhand to them, but could really stick with a child who overhears them (such as my mother-in-law charmingly telling Torsten on our last trip--with no factual basis whatsoever--what lazy walruses he and I both are--but we won't discuss my feelings about THAT particular comment).

But given that our kids will likely tend to be on the larger side, in terms of height and also weight, it's not something that we can totally ignore, you know? Because if they are anything like me then they'll be hearing comments about it from their classmates starting around age six. So I think we do need to be prepared to discuss body size and body image, because I imagine that it will come up. And I want to do so in an affirming, positive, respectful way that reminds our kids that everyone's bodies are different and beautiful and also amazing in what they are capable of doing for us.

So what I'm wondering is, how does my surgery fit into all of this? It seems to me that it would be disingenuous not to discuss it with them at all. And I'd kind of like it to be a fact that they've always known, even when they're too young to really understand it, so that it doesn't become a shocking revelation for them later on, the kind of thing that leads them to wonder why I didn't tell them earlier. I feel like keeping it for some big reveal later in their lives makes it seem like something shameful or embarrassing, and it isn't those things and I don't want to give the impression that it is.

Plus, I think my weight loss will be clear to them--at least if they see any old photos, and I assume that they will, unless we're going to hide all wedding photos and all other photos taken before I hit my goal weight, which is not something I plan to do. So the weight loss will be visible to them and I assume they'll have questions about it.

I don't feel any shame about my surgery, and I don't feel that it is hypocritical in any way. I still believe that all bodies are beautiful and useful, and I still wish that our society wasn't so focused on weight, and I still want to disentangle the notions of health and weight. But I feel like these distinctions, and my reasons for surgery, are nuanced in a way that might be difficult to explain to a six-year-old.

I don't know how I can say to a child who might be upset about having been called fat by a classmate, "You are healthy and you are beautiful and your body is wonderful and should be respected," and then also say, "But I had surgery so that I wouldn't be fat anymore." Because the link there is, "You are healthy and my weight was not healthy for me anymore. Being overweight was hurting me in a way that your body size is not hurting you. Your body is different than mine and this is not something you need to worry about, at least not right now, not as long as your lifestyle is healthy."

I feel like that's a bit much for a child to comprehend, and that the takeaway there is that Mom says one thing and does another. That Mom is just SAYING that it doesn't matter in my case but obviously it DOES matter because look at her and what she did to lose weight. That I AM fat and therefore unworthy and the only reason Mom says otherwise is because she's my mother and she has to say that.

All things that I do not want my kid to think. You know? So, like I said, I'm stuck.

Any thoughts on this? Were there any hot-button issues like this when you were a kid, and how did your parents deal with them? If you have kids, how have you broached difficult issues with them?