I've written about this before. It is definitely well-documented here. But I need to talk about it again. I'm nervous about posting this, and I'm even more nervous about the post I just wrote over at Not a Diet. But I need to talk about this.
I'm not as fat as I used to be, but I'm still pretty fucking fat. And it's making me miserable. It's been over a year since I've lost any real weight. And I'm starting to really, seriously wonder if there's any such thing as a permanent solution.
The thing about being fat is that it is always on my mind, always always literally all the time. I feel guilty every time that I eat, no matter what it is. Even if it's plain vegetables. Every time.
Torsten doesn't know how much I weigh and I keep it from him like it's this big secret because I find it so shameful and embarrassing. It's the only thing that I feel like I can't be totally open with him about and it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
I hate every single photo of myself. I have learned so much through blogging, to let down walls and just be open and put it all out there. So I show lots of photos of myself, even hideous full-body shots, because what will hiding it do, how will it help? But still, I cringe.
I blame everything on being fat. If I get winded walking up stairs, I mentally beat myself up for being fat. Even if I'm with someone fit who has also gotten winded. If my feet hurt, I tell myself that it's my own fault for being fat. No matter what the problem, I blame myself for being fat. And then I don't see anything wrong with other people blaming things on me being fat. Even if that really isn't the reason.
I worry about my health. All my indicators are good and every doctor I've been to says that I'm healthy. But I just wonder how long it will last. Even though I eat reasonably well and get a fair amount of exercise, I feel in my head like I'm unhealthy. And I worry about pregnancy as a fat person.
I hate being carded, because my weight (although not the accurate weight) is on my license. I wanted to cry when I got my Colorado license and the woman asked me out loud what my weight was. At least in DC I could write it on a form and nobody would have to hear it.
If my shirt rides up while I'm wrangling a dog, the car and house keys, and two bags of groceries, and I don't have a free hand to pull it down, I worry about inducing nausea in anyone who happens to catch sight of my belly.
Just the thought of anyone weighing me, or measuring my waist, or my body fat, makes me want to cry. Literally, just the thought. It's such a source of pain for me and I don't feel like I can share that with anyone.
I hate that I can't fit into so many clothes, and I look so terrible in the ones I do fit into. I hate that I worry about fitting into chairs. Every time I hear a creak I assume that I've caused it. Even if it's on the other side of the room.
Losing all the weight that I lost... it doesn't matter anymore. It was a good start but I needed it to turn into something more, and it didn't. And the more research I do, the more I feel discouraged about the possibility that it ever will.
The worst part is that this is the only thing that's really wrong with my life. Not that I don't have the other, typical problems that come along with everyone's life. But being fat doesn't make dealing with those other problems any easier. It affects everything. And I don't know how to make it stop. I thought Weight Watchers was the solution, the permanent solution, but it wasn't. It was just a start and now I'm stuck, and frustrated.
I'm actually starting to think that maybe I should consider weight-loss surgery. I AM considering it, just by thinking about considering it. I posted about this in a lot more detail over at Not a Diet. Please go over there and read and tell me what you think. But please, play nice. You might have already noticed, but I'm a little sensitive about this.
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What you are feeling and going through is hard but also normal when dealing with weight loss. I don't have any advice to offer so instead will you accept a big hug?
ReplyDeleteJess, I am tearing up reading this. You are a wonderful person and it makes me so upset to hear how much you are hurting about this. I hope things turn out ok for you in this regard.
ReplyDeleteIf I could, I would give you a hug right now. Oh wait, now I see sassafras just offered you the same thing. Drat.
ReplyDeleteI think weight loss and body image is a very personal issue. You've hit a wall and need some sort of change to continue losing weight. Do you go to the extreme of having surgery? Or do you find some common ground - a personal trainer, a nutritionist, an armor of people to help you through to the next level? I can't answer that for you. What I can say is investigate all your options. Seems like you've done a lot of online research. Why not talk to a doctor who specializes in the surgery? Why not seek out a personal trainer and nutritionist? It all costs money and you have to determine whether that fits into your and Torsten's financial stability. But, in the end, it's your decision. And not one of us has any right to judge you whatsoever. Because I, for one, will still think you're beautiful no matter which course of action you chose.
I offer a hug as well, though I know it doesn't take the pain away.
ReplyDeleteI really wish I had some advice for you, but I don't know much about weight loss surgery. I think what's important here, though, is that you have explained how unhappy you are. If you've talked this over with your doctor (I haven't read your Diet blog post yet) and they are on board with the idea, then I don't see anything wrong with it. This is your life and it's too short to be unhappy. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteEverything you just wrote, and i do mean EVERYTHING, is exactly how i felt for most of my adult life-i am sure it was even in adolescence as well. and i could write and enitre missive on weight loss surgery because i have been there. but most importantly i just want to say you are not alone in feeling that way. good luck!
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that my friend did before surgury was to go and meet with several doctors until she found the one that she liked. She found out that he had support groups of past and present patients. So she went, she got first hand information and a few months after her procedure she went to speak to the new patients.
Look at all the options, consider all the risks.
I hope that you find the happiness that you are looking for.
Hugs to you, Jess. I think you're so brave for putting all of your feelings out there.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you read Loralee's blog, but she just wrote a fantastic post about her struggles with weight, and her resulting experience with gastric bypass surgery. Here is the link.
First of all, 75 lbs is FANTASTIC. Second of all, what I know about you from your writing here is that you are amazingly mature for your age. You have so much going for you and I wish that you didn't feel bad about your weight. I know saying that doesn't make a difference in how you feel, and I feel hypocritical even saying it, because so many of us (including myself) have the same issues, regardless of the actual numbers on the scale.
ReplyDeleteI would like to be (and should be at least) 20 lbs lighter, but I don't have the will-power to consistently avoid eating the "bad" things, though I DO exercise and I am not unhealthy. But my inlaws are all sticks. And there are so many of them. Whenever the family gets together, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. And so I dread family gatherings, even though I truly enjoy everyone's company. I also put off going to the doctor as long as possible because I know I will be WEIGHED.
Then I see that a piddly 20 lbs is stopping me from COMPLETELY enjoying things that I should be COMPLETELY enjoying, and that pisses me off and I do a little better about ignoring the weight and focusing on life, but the self-consciousness always creeps back in. So, though our numbers are different, our basic issue is not all that different.
All that said, I don't really have advice for weight-loss surgery. Would I do it myself if I was much more overweight? I don't think so, because my track-record on will-power is so poor. :) I am tempted to say, because I am so much {ahem} OLDER than you, that you are so young and you just moved to a new location where your ability to get out and do exercisy-type things has increased, so give it a little more time and see what happens. But no one knows your situation better than YOU and from what I've read here, you have the maturity to make the right one for you.
Oh, honey. *hug*
ReplyDeleteYou're such a sensible person that I know you will make the right decision for you.
This is so hard to read. Have you ever seen a psychologist/counselor to talk about your weight problems?
ReplyDeleteI'm very surgery-averse in general. And besides that, I have food allergies and currently have to eat a very restricted diet. It's not something I would wish on anybody. So I would say surgery is a bad idea, so long as there are other methods of achieving weight loss.
But I'm not you, and I'm not in the pain you are in right now.
In any case, I'm rooting for you!
I don't have advice to give, but I want you to know I think you are beautiful, Jess. Seriously. And no matter what decision you make, I know it will be the right one for you.
ReplyDeleteDo you read Mandajuice? She had gastric bypass and wrote very honestly about it. Might be worth checking out. xoxo
I just want to send you a *hug* too - you are getting lots of them today! Good luck with your decisions. You are a very intelligent person and I know that you will be able to choose a path that will be best for you!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. You are a beautiful person inside and out Jess. In the end you are the only one who can make the decision. Struggling with my weight is something I do on a daily basis so I know and understand every single thing you are saying. Its a very personal choice. Thank you as always for sharing so honestly.
ReplyDeleteJess,
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. This breaks my heart that you feel this way.
I say look into whatever you want and need to. I know you will research the hell out of any options, and will make a deliberate and careful choice. No matter what you choose, I have your back.
Oh, Jess. HUGS TO YOU.
I was just talking about how I hate my body in therapy last night. It permeates everything I do so when one thing goes wrong, I immediately fall into my body hatred pattern. I generally think that people will not like me because I am fat. It's exhausting to loathe your body to that extent. I get it. And I'm so sorry you're struggling with these awful feelings.
ReplyDeleteMy friend Loralee just wrote about her experience with gastric bypass surgery. If you really want more information about it, read her post and email her. She's really helpful and sweet!
http://loraleeslooneytunes.com/2009/03/25/gastric-bypass-surgery-my-story/
Oh Jess. First of all, I am ENTHRALLED with everything you have to say on this topic, and I know you help so many people by talking about this when it is obviously so hard for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's almost like there's a...PANICKY tone to this post, which is just so unlike your typical writing.
And even though I've never been overweight, I know that panicky/I-have-to-DO-something feeling well. It's awful. Hang in there, and let yourself feel how you feel about it.
Love ya kid xoxo
My fiance's sister just had the lap band surgery done, and she looks great. She still has some way to go, but you can definitely see the difference in how she carries herself, and her self confidence is increasing. I think if it's something that you really want to do for YOU, then go for it.
ReplyDeleteI think there may be some steps to take before you consider surgery. It's big, it's expensive, and from what I've heard, surgery in itself is not always a permanent fix either.
ReplyDeleteI would perhaps consult a nutritionist, see if there are additional steps you can take in your diet.
I would also embark on a fitness program, something outdoors perhaps, this summer. I always recommend running. I used to hate running, but over a very long time I grew to like it. I think above any other form of fitness, running gives you the most bang for your buck, weight-loss (and weight-maintenance) wise.
It doesn't take a lot to start. A good pair of running shoes, a stopwatch. A beginning running group would be excellent, or you can just find a running partner - you know, like me :). Just start running for little bursts of time, and then gradually lengthen them.
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. March is usually my month to totally freak out about my weight, before the warm weather hits and my fitness level goes up and my appetite goes down.
We should get together soon :)
Oh, Jess. I am so sorry you are feeling like this.
ReplyDeleteI can't say what the right answer is for you, but I will say that there's absolutely nothing wrong with realizing you don't like how you feel and wondering how you can fix it.
Wow. This post was painful to read. I can only imagine how painful it was to type.
ReplyDeleteWeight loss surgery has obviously given success to a lot of people...But there have also been problems. Personally, I would be hesitant.
I don't think you're looking for affirmation that you're fine how you are, and if you don't feel fine, then I guess you're not fine. However, I doubt that anyone else is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself.
I wish you luck in whatever action you choose to take. :)
You are an amazing woman and I think the world of you.
ReplyDeletexox
My heart aches for you, it really does. My mom has been obese for most of her adult live and she just had the lap band surgery a few months ago. She's lost about 60 pounds now, but it's work. She struggles everyday, just in a different way.
ReplyDeleteI struggle also. My mother (as I already said) and father are both obese and obesity runs in my family so I have to really make the effort to watch myself. Even though I'm a vegan now I still have to watch what I eat. I struggle also, just in a different way.
I hope you find peace within and do what's right for you, because that's the one person you need to worry about. Good luck!
This is wonderful. Thank you for writing it. Now I'm going to go read your post at Not a Diet.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, how could anyone not be nice to you. You're like the greatest person ever. I think you should do what will make you the most happy. If you think that's trying another program and going at it that way, do it. If you think the surgery is the answer, do it. You're a wonderful woman who deserves every happiness. Just know we're here for you, whatever you decide to do.
ReplyDeleteOh Jess. I've never commented before, but I feel for you. I know exactly how you feel. Hating your body, feeling the you you want to be is trapped, feeling a disconnect when you look at pictures of yourself, and just being so fucking sick of the whole thing. So sick of every little thing being tainted by the same weight related feelings. I don't have any answers. All I have is the same questions... And what bothers me the most is that this view I have of myself is filled with such shame, sadness, and worthlessness, even though intellectually I know I'm a child of God and I am worthy. I just don't feel it very often. And that? Sucks! And it will affect your relationship, it has mine. All I have to say is THANK GOODNESS in Canada you don't have to put your weight on your driver's license!!Ugh. I don't think I'd drive.
ReplyDeleteI know it's time for me to do something different, so for me, these are my next steps.I'm going to talk to someone about it. Not a nutritionist, or a personal trainer, because I know how to eat and exercise already. And I'm going to see an alternative health care practioner, because I am sick of doctors telling me to eat less and exercise more. Right. Because that was supremely helpful. And not something I've heard for the last ten years. So taking these steps make me feel like I am doing SOMETHING.
I'm trying to just move forward, sometimes it's the only thing we can do..
Mara
Thanks for writing this. I'm currently trying to lose weight. And it is has been very discouraging.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I don't talk about my actual weight. My husband has no idea what I weigh. No one does. It's too embarrassing.
I would think about other things before surgery.
Celebrate what you have done (75 pounds is amazing!) And good luck in the future.
You are a wonderful person, Jess. I very much admire you. I think you should do what makes you happy, so long as it's well thought out. Which, of course, is the only way you'd do anything, which is just another thing I admire about you. :) Loves.
ReplyDeleteJess -
ReplyDeleteI just read your post on Bodies in Motivation, and I just wanted to reiterate again that I would be happy to email with you privately to answer any questions you might have about gastric banding. It is a very tough decision, and I am MORE THAN HAPPY to offer you any support I possibly can. It might be strange to get such an offer from a total stranger. I couldn't have made my decision without the honest input from people living it and I am always willing to give that same gift to anyone else. I would never try to influence your decision in any way, but I can offer a completely honest real-life perspective of weight loss surgery.
Please do not hesitate to email me.
Deb
I almost cried. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this, and I wish I had some molecule of advice to give you.
ReplyDeleteIt takes courage to openly discuss something that affects you so much.
ReplyDeleteThis is heartbreaking Jess. Your life just seems to have been so truly blessed and it's entirely unfair that your view of life is tainted in any way.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin had GBS about 10 months ago and she is a whole new person. She has so far lost 130 lbs (about 60 to go to her goal weight), her health issues have vanished and she is a happier, more energetic person. This isn't to say that you should definitely have the surgery, but that it was the right decision for her.
Life is too short to suffer this way. You have always written so eloquently about your weight issues and I really admire you for that.
great post, jess! here are some thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) if weighing yourself in front of others scares you more than anything in the world, use that to your advantage! get yourself into a situation (maybe a nutritionist, a trainer, WW meetings, SOMETHING) where you have to face your biggest fear EVERY SINGLE WEEK (because i guarantee that extra serving of lunch or the 2 WW bars after dinner vs. 1 will seem a lot less necessary).
2) don't be so scared of gaining weight back if you lose it the natural way (ie, without surgery)! you are a smart person. if you consider the number on the scale one day a week (maybe you weigh everyday, but only "count" it one day), you will be able to see if in a few given weeks, you're putting on too much weight. if that's the case - you change your eating/exercise habits - end of story. i promise that you won't wake up one day 10 pounds heavier than the day before. you're going to have to be diligent about your eating with or without surgery, bottom line.
if you have a lot of weight to lose, it's going to take a lot of time to lose it (which big time sucks, but is the unfortunate reality). weight loss surgery would be a quick fix (but a highly invasive and life-altering quick fix that could affect your ability to have a healthy pregnancy or a baby at all). you can do it the natural way, it just might not go as quickly as you'd hope.
good luck to you about your decision. keep us posted!
(btw, i've lost 65 pounds over the past 6 years [i'm now 5'9, 145, size 8] - just so you know i'm not some naturally skinny person who has never dealt with a weight issue.)
Oh Jess. I understand completely. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI love both this post and the one at Bodies. Your openness is amazing and inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't advice, really, but I can say for me it's been a very positive experience to use a personal trainer. I know our situations are different, but I think a good trainer might really help with your goals. There are all kinds of benefits with training sessions: accountability, new workouts, being pushed outside of your comfort zone, and ideally, nutritional guidance as well.
I am pulling for you and hope whatever you decide that you start feeling better soon.
I completely know where you're coming from. Here's the thing-- if you don't exercise and maintain tiny amounts of food on weight loss surgery you'll gain it back. I'm not sure what kind of workout you're doing now, but I'm sure if you add some (or more...depending on what you're doing now) cardio in the mix you'll start to see results. I hope it works.
ReplyDeleteI'm so consistently impressed by your honesty and bravery. I have had most of these thoughts at some point in my life and I know how exhausting they can be. I'm hurting for you because I can feel the despair in this post. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to your post I feel all the same things you do! It’s like this vicious cycle. I think you’re brave to admit these feelings to the world. It's such a hard thing to accept and feel comfortable about. I'm proud of you and remember you are not alone!!
ReplyDeleteThis topic is so, so so tough to write about, and talk about, and think about, isn't it? It's a problem I have, too, and since I love food and hate exercise, well, guess how that's working out?
ReplyDeleteI can't give you any specific advice, but I would suggest that you try to treat yourself as you would treat a friend in the same situation. I know it's hard to reprogram your thinking, but I hate to think of you hating your body because of the way it is. We can't always control our weight, but we can try to control our minds. This is something I struggle with, too, but we can get better with practice, I hope!
Yep I can relate to this ENTIRE post.
ReplyDeleteJust a few comments...
-My co-worker had lap-band surgery about two months ago. She lost 20 pounds quickly, but hasn't lost much more since then. She hasn't figured out how to "eat well" which makes me think that therapy might have been better than surgery.
-You can gain weight back with lap-band AND gastric bypass, even though your stomach is smaller.
-One of the other commenters said something about running. While walking is very good for you, you really need to get your heart rate UP. I find that running is the easiest way to do this and the hardest thing is to simply start. It will be doubly hard in Denver because of the altitude, but you will burn more calories! Just start running for a minute, walking for 30 seconds, etc. Soon you will be running like a pro! If you have bad knees, try the elliptical but really PUSH yourself.
-I would highly recommend a personal trainer before surgery. To jump start my weight loss we got a trainer and even though it was expensive, it was well worth it.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so unhappy. I know that feeling and even though I have recently lost 20pounds, I still won't tell my fiance what I weigh.
We will support you in whatever you do!
I think we all can relate.
ReplyDeleteI think surgery is scary although some people swear by it.
My advice is find a good nutritionist, and trainer first. You've lost a lot of weight, you can do it.
I started weight watchers at the beginning of the year and have lost my baby weight from both pregnancies. My big aha moment is realizing that by changing a few things in my life, it changed everything. Your posts on weight watchers helped me decide to join. So thank you.
Whatever you choose we all are here for u.
Jess, I read both of your posts and all I can offer is that my sister in law (and best friend in the world) struggled for many, many years with this same issue. For her 40th birthday this year she gave herself lapband and she is like a new person. She is happier, more energetic and I think almost at peace with herself. She still has a long journey ahead of her but seeing what this did for her made me just want to tell you that it is okay if you decide to go this route. If it makes you feel better about you, that's all that really matters. Like everyone else I just want to give you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteJess, I think you are brave and wonderful for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteOkay. By NO MEANS am I pretending to know how you feel (even though you share so honestly!) but I wouldn't do it. This might be an extreme metaphor, but isn't getting surgery to change what your body naturally is supposed to look like sort of similar to people who get skin whitening treatments? I hope you don't feel affronted by this, but I think it would be conforming to western beauty ideals. The people who love you don't care about your weight. You do. Well, and probably a bunch of asshats who believe a woman's worth lies in her appearance. I don't know much at all about the surgery but it sounds painful and risky. I don't want you to feel the way you do now, but I don't want you to have to hurt yourself to change how you feel. But I know you'll make the smartest decision for yourself, and I'll support whatever that decision is.
ReplyDeleteJess, I didn't have time to read all the comments so I'll just let you know my experience. I lived your life for 30 years. I gained and lost 100's of pounds but after all that abuse, your body fights harder and harder to put it back on. I'm about to celebrate 8 years out from weight loss surgery. I started at 260 and lost half my weight and stayed there. You do have to change what you've been doing up to now but I swore if I could just get down to a normal size just one more time that I would never let it get out of hand again. I also swore that I'd get my food addiction under control so that I didn't use other things as coping mechanisms so that I didn't cross addict. My blog has a bunch of info if you'd like to check it The blog is bariatricgirl and my you tube channel is justyvonne. I have been active on an online forum with hundreds of people for those 8 years and the most of them have been absolutely successful. The ones that aren't are usually the ones that want the magic bullet and aren't willing to change a thing. If there's anything I can do to help or answer any questions, I'm happy to.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious... I know you said that every doctor you've seen has said you're healthy at your current weight, which is great. Have you talked to your doctor about the plateuing, though? Maybe she/he would have some suggestions? I know that you need to mix up the exercise routine to keep seeing results, so maybe trying a different form of exercise would help kickstart things again? Several people also suggested a nutritionist, but it sounds like you're already eating well (eating a whole lot better than I am; that's for sure). I totally understand why you're thinking about surgery, but I also think (and I think you agree) that it's best as a last resort. I'm just wondering if a doctor could help you figure out some other things to try before hitting that last resort point.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I also want to say I think it's way brave of you to write posts like this one, and I feel for you and am pulling for you whatever you decide.
I totally feel your pain. I've struggled with weight my entire life and this post made me cry so much because I feel the exact same things you feel about clothes, what others think that don't even know me, every time a chair creaks...etc. Thank you for being so honest. It helps us fellow "fat' girls...if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI read your other post first, and was thinking about it all weekend.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Tess and the panicky tone. I know the panicky tone, albeit in other situations, and I'm so sorry you're in That Place. Thinking of you.
Jess,
ReplyDeleteJust know that what you're feeling is completely normal and you're not alone in that. It's important for you to do what makes you happy because like other people have said, life is too short.
When dealing with weightloss things can just seem so helpless, I know. Sending you hugs :)
I am 30 and had the lapband surgery in 2003. I lost about 120 pounds, and kept it off. Still have 30 to go. But I am doing it slowly but surely. I have had SEVERAL people knock it when talking to bme about it, but It is the best thing I have ever done. you can email me if you want. kyleighp78@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteI have a good friend from college who had the bariatric surgery. Honestly? It hasn't really changed her attitude about herself. I'm afraid this is going to sound trite, yet I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal and I think you'd be surprised at how unhappy some "thin" people are. You are so brave for articulating how and what you're feeling. You speak what a lot of women, including myself, wish they could say aloud.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you for putting your vulnerabilities out in the open - you're pretty freaking amazing you know that? I have had weight issues my entire life and although I'm not considerably overwieght I've been through anorexia and bulemia as well as ridicule for being somewhat overweight all through grade school and beyond. I feel the pain you do - trust me - and my heart hurts knowing you are going through so much of what I experience on a daily basis. You should consider any surgery or weight losss measure only insofar as it makes YOU feel better about yourself. Screw everyone else and what they think...it's just not worth it and your darling hubby loves you for you and so do we.
ReplyDeleteJess, I sent you an email a while ago about my fight with the fat and WLS. Let me know if you ever got it. Let me also know if you need any information on what my experience was like. 1.5 years out form surgery, I'll just say this, "Hell yes, I would do it over agian." My life has imprvoed so much since then. The first year, the weight seems to melt off but it's because you can't eat a lot of things and in very small quantities. After that, you still have to work hard. I run at the gym 2-3 times a week and try to do workout at home the other days. I count calories every day. I have ton take vitamins and supplements daily for the rest of my life. But, I wanted a better quality of life and be less depressed about myself. I am not the perfct weight or look by any count but I do feel a thousand times better about myself and I can even tell the truth about my weight on my DL now.
ReplyDeleteSorry to double comment but there is an online forum http://www.obesityhelp.com that has forums for people considering surgery, for friends and family members of people who've had surgery and all different types of surgery. They have a lot of answers and different experiences on there; might help with the decision making.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to do what is right for you. I'm sure nobody goes into WLS without researching it. Only you will know if it's right for you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!