My standard policy on rude and/or anonymous comments is not to address them, but I got a comment yesterday that wasn't anonymous exactly, and that made me think about a topic more broadly, so I do want to post about it. The person in question told me that I complain too much, when in fact I am quite lucky. It's true that I'm very lucky, and I think my blog and the way I write about my life reflects that. If a reader finds that I complain too much, and doesn't see all the happiness and optimism mixed in with whatever negative stuff I might be talking about, that's unfortunate, but so it goes.
Obviously nobody wants to read a blog that is just nonstop whining and negativity, especially if it's not coming from someone whose life is terrible and miserable in every way. And I don't think my blog is that. I think the best we can all do is acknowledge the greatness that we have in our lives. And I have that, and do that. I have an incredible, amazing relationship. I have a fantastic job and was even given the choice between two great jobs in a time when a lot of people are struggling to find even one job. I'm financially secure and not in debt. I have a wonderful, supportive family and lots of friends. I'm about to move to the city that I've been dying to live in for months. I have a ton to look forward to, including a dog and hopefully at some point a baby. My life is fantastic and I can hardly think of way in which it could be improved.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to sweat the small stuff. Moving is stressful, so even though it's a wonderful thing and I'm happy about it, it's OK for me to vent about the negative side effects. And yes, it's great that I have a lot of friends but that doesn't mean I can't talk about how difficult it will be to leave them all behind. And yes, it was lovely for Torsten to send me flowers on Valentine's Day last year and he himself is the best husband I could ever imagine, but that doesn't mean I should pretend that I didn't have an irrational, hormonal breakdown about the flowers for no good reason--because I KNOW it was unreasonable, but it WAS how I felt at the time.
My blog is a space for honesty, interaction, thoughtfulness, fluff, discussion, happiness, and complaining. It's a space for whatever I want it to be, and I like finding similar spaces in other people's blogs.
Because it's not just me. Just because someone struggled with infertility before becoming pregnant doesn't mean that they have to enjoy every second of their pregnancy and can't complain about the awful morning sickness and debilitating symptoms that accompany it. Just because somebody was unemployed before finding a job doesn't mean that they can't complain about their rude boss and the tedious work they have do. Just because someone has a fantastic marriage doesn't mean they can't complain about how frustrated they are when their spouse never does any housework. Complaining is an outlet, a way to keep from bottling up negativity, and I think that's a good thing.
I see blogs as a space for venting and for gaining perspective. This blog is many things to me, and one of them is an outlet where I can write about whatever is on my mind, remind myself of its importance or lack thereof in the overall scheme of things, and then move on. It's also a space where I can read about other people's lives and what's going on in their minds, and see that we all have this little stuff that bugs us, but maybe the fact of writing it down and commiserating with others about it and seeing how similar we all really are helps us not be bugged by that stuff anymore, and to be better-adjusted and happier people.
So no, I don't think I complain too much, because while I do talk about stuff that's bothering me, I also temper that with how happy and lucky I am overall. I wouldn't want a blog that went on and on about how great everything was all the time, and glossed over the bad stuff, no matter how small, because that's not real life and that's not relatable. And as long as I haven't lost sight of the big picture, I don't think there's any need for me to limit what I talk about just because hey, it could be worse--I could be paralyzed. Not being paralyzed doesn't mean we're all required to be happy and bubbly 100% of the time. And I don't see any need to feel guilty for having a normal range of emotions about my life.
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Honestly, I would much rather read someone who complains occasionally than those Golden People who constantly write about how perfect! beautiful! wonderful! their lives are.
ReplyDeleteI honestly hate those people, because that's NOT REAL. NOT REAL. GAWD.
"I wouldn't want a blog that went on and on about how great everything was all the time, and glossed over the bad stuff, no matter how small, because that's not real life and that's not relatable."
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't and wouldn't read blogs like that.
I think you have a pretty good balance here which makes you enjoyable and relatable!
Sometimes the things that bother us are the most difficult to express. Writing about a situation helps us gain perspective. Both through our own act of writing as well as the comments of our readers. I see nothing wrong with writing about your life. Even if it is all negativity. Or all positivity. It's YOUR blog. You get to do with it what you want. And your readers get to choose whether to read it or not.
ReplyDeleteJess, I actually find your blog insanely...appreciative. You gush about Torsten often and are literally giddy about moving.
ReplyDeleteAnd your "complaining" posts are more articulating your frustration and stress than merely whining.
(You know, those whiny blogs aren't much fun to read because they aren't well-written, anyhow.)
Also, packing SUCKS. Moving SUCKS. It's exciting and all that, but the physical act of organizing all your years of STUFF and shoving it neatly into labeled boxes? Is a LOT of work. (I still shudder when I think about moving last summer. And how we're going to move again this summer. I'M SO SICK OF PACKING.)
What I'm trying to say is - you are allowed to say moving is a lot of work without being a whiner.
I really like your blog, I find you to be a very upbeat and positive person. Keep doing what you're doing!
ReplyDeleteAMEN. There have been so many nasty and negative comments on some of my favorite blogs lately (including my own!). I just don't understand why someone would choose to leave a hurtful comment. There's no reason to spread hate around. Looking forward to reading your journey as it continues in Denver!
ReplyDeleteI hate that women try to censor other womens' thoughts (I'm assuming the poster was a woman, since 99.9% of us who post here seem to be). It's just as bad as, "Can't we all just get along?" The answer is "NO, and don't make me try."
ReplyDeleteI get a lot of mean comments and every time I do I swear I will just delete them and move on, but instead, they eat at me all day long.
ReplyDeleteWhen you put your life out on the page,there will always be people who have something negative to say. It's easy to be mean behind the guise of a blog name.
Keep your chin up. Moving is stressful and I say if you want to complain, go ahead! It's your blog, after all :)
I just went back to read that comment - harsh! For what it's worth, I find your blog extremely positive, but realistic. I've stopped reading blogs that are whiny, preachy or overly superficial - they just don't hold my interest.
ReplyDeleteJess, I am not trying to be contrary or inflammatory in any way when I say that I really, REALLY (REALLY!) don't think you complain much.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I think this is one of the most positive blogs I read.
If anything, I would like to request MORE complaining.
Dear Commenter,
ReplyDeleteJess rocks.
Love,
Go read somewhere else.
I don't have a problem with blogs that are nonstop positive, because some people just maintain that outlook. I also don't mind ones that are nonstop negative, when people have horrible circumstances. Obviously a combination of the two is also fine. Ones that are nonstop negative when the person doesn't have that much to be nonstop negative about? THOSE can be hard to read.
ReplyDeleteYour posts are fine, as I'm sure you know. A comfortable mix of emotions. Furthermore, if anyone doesn't like any particular blog, they are free to stop reading it. :)
Because it's the way I roll, I had to go back and find the negative commenter's comment...
ReplyDeleteI find it extremely SAD that any person feels they have the right to leave such a negative comment. In my rather humble opinion, if she doesn't want to read your 'complaining' then why in the world does she keep coming back?
Your blog is one of the few that I make sure I read everyday because it is so honest and you really put yourself out there. I LOVE that about you and I have enjoyed watching your journey. Show me ONE person that doesn't complain and I'll show you a person that obviously lives in denial.
Keep being YOU Jess, there are many of us who like you just the way you are!
it's your blog, and you can write what you want. you don't complain too much but if that reader thinks so, she can stop reading!
ReplyDeleteI went back and found the comment too and...wow. Just wow.
ReplyDeleteFor me, my blog is a place to vent about things that are bothering me *that second.* It's bit and pieces, tiny glimpses into a life that I share online.
Do I honestly complain 100% about the weather? No. Do I honestly eat only bacon? No.
Jess, your blog is 100%, completely you. You write about what you want, whether it's a sentimental post about Torsten or a minor rant against something that's bugging you.
Screw the haters.
P.S. I cannot tolerate it when people mention the "other people would LOVE to have your problems" excuse. With that reasoning, no one except the person with the worst problems in the world could complain.
Wait a minute... you... you mean... are you telling me you're NOT perfect and neither is your life?
ReplyDeleteDamn. Time to find another blog then.
Seriously, the person who left the comment is one of those who will find a problem no matter where they look. Nothing will be good enough for them.
Oh, and they're the kind who must always "correct" everything they find "wrong" with the world.
Poor, unhappy soul. Must be exhausting to be them.
Wow, that comment was harsh. And totally unjustified. I love reading about your life, Jess, and from your posts it's very clear to me how blessed you know you are. But no matter how many blessings you have, sometimes things still suck, and it's your blog, and your prerogative to talk about them. I'm so sorry the trolls found you!
ReplyDeleteWell said Jess!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. I didn't even understand where your last post was construed as a complaint - you were simply clearing your head, it seemed. Just like I did when I was moving, only I didn't have a blog then and I was doing it out loud, repeatedly, which is much more annoying than anything I've ever read here. I've never been annoyed here, come to think of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're not rattled and won't be changing your tune, because your tune is lovely. Sing on!
Allie's comment was uncalled for and untrue of your blog (ummm read the post just below the one she is talking about!) I have only been reading your blog for a short time but I really enjoy it and find it upbeat and relatable! And who cares if you "complain" every now and then- sometimes a girl just needs to vent! Try and ignore the haters, there is no need to let them drag you down!
ReplyDeleteYou're totally right, the high points and low points of life together are what make things balanced and it's the writing about that that indeed makes a blog relateable.
ReplyDeletePeople that are perky all the time DRIVE ME CRAZY...which is the same as bloggy moms who only write about how perfect their children are. Give me a break!
Your honesty is appreciated!
you tell em jess! it's your blog, you should be able to write what you want. if they don't like it, they don't need to read it, right?
ReplyDeletepeople who write only about how great their lives are aren't being real. i would much rather read a blog in which someone writes about the good and the bad. that's reality. plus, a blog is a person's outlet.
ReplyDeletepeople who write only about how great their lives are aren't being real. i would much rather read a blog in which someone writes about the good and the bad. that's reality. plus, a blog is a person's outlet.
ReplyDeleteTaking off my Stealth Blog Cloak and commenting. I have loved your blog for awhile...and, I have found that I want to be LIKE you. I would not describe you as a complainer---not one speck! I so enjoy reading about how you roll up your sleeves, plan and DO things to get through the stresseful times. You are a brilliant example of doing hard things...that they CAN be done...with planning and simply working through.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the entertainment AND inspiration.
Just thought I'd let you know.
Ok, so I had to go back and look at the comment you referenced and kind of cracked up. We read this blog bc we like it and can relate--just like I can relate to swistle's blog. They are real--therefore don't have to be the hap hap HAPPIEST blog in the world. I mean we all are pretty cheerful people, but sometimes you are tired or worried and it's completely ok to turn to a friend to lend an ear and tell you it's ok and you move on. Just like the girls did in sex in the city--this is our circle of friends. We feel safe here and look forward to the posts while drinking our morning coffee and relax a little and shrug off our worries.
ReplyDeleteYou are not complaining, or whining. You are living and being HUMAN. I mean if you didn't let these changes phase you it would almost be like it wasn't happening! That doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong to share, love, and feel all life has to offer...
Huh. I've never thought of you as a complainer. I really liked the way you addressed this.
ReplyDeletemaybe Allie should tell the people with spinal chord problems that at least they are not _____ (fill in the blank with all applicable):
ReplyDeletea) dead
b) quadriplegic
c) paraplegic
d) blind
e) deaf
f) mute
g) missing limbs
h) etc etc etc
as I have learned from my psychologist coworkers, everyone has problems and it's not up to us to judge the extent or extremity of others' problems!
Not sure who told you this, but don't let their comment get to you. And you are right, we can write whatever we want on our blogs. If some reader doesn't like it, then guess what? DON'T READ anymore!
ReplyDeleteJust for clarity, you actually don't complain that much.
Ahhh. IF you are getting comments from haters than you have made it my dear!
ReplyDeleteI saw the comment in question after I left mine the other day and wanted to smack the commenter.
ReplyDeleteA.) I agree with everything you said about your blog being a place to say whatever it is you need to say at the time,
and
B.) There are plenty of bloggers out there who complain more than you do! Me, for example...
What I couldn't figure out was: Why, if the commenter disliked your blog so much, did she feel compelled to keep reading it??
Perfectly put. After the debacle with my anonymous commenter last month (oh my heavens, it just got worse from there in a way I will never ever talk about on my blog because it was just a disaster), I am hyper aware of the way a blogger portrays herself on her blog, and I've come to the same conclusion - it should be a mix of the good and the bad, the joy and the frustration of life. All the good blogs I read are like that. Life is like that.
ReplyDeleteSeriously?
ReplyDeleteWow.
I don't what is up with people lately - I just had to deal with this on my blog as well.
First of all, you're not a complainer, AT ALL. I love reading your blog and all of your thoughts about your daily life.
Secondly, it's your blog! If you want to complain 100% of the time, hey, that's your choice.
!
Wait wait WAIT a minute, this commenter is complaining that YOUR blog is about YOU? Wow. Go read something else, I say to them.
ReplyDeleteAlso? My dad is a spinal cord injury victim and not that you're not awesome but I don't think he'd "love" to have your problems. For one thing, he hates moving and doesn't like the cold. Second, he's married to my mom already so I don't think he'd also want to be married to Torsten, as awesome as he sounds. So not only is that commenter a negative nancy themself, they are WRONG and should go read something else.
PS-weddings are a pain, and you complained like um one time. I'm not even married and have already surpassed you in the complaining about weddings department.
It's been established- you rock. That commenter can SUCK IT.
ReplyDeleteI liked your examples about infertility etc. You're right about everything and I KNOW your blog ROCKS! I like hearing about reality - not sugar coated BS - so give yourself a big hug and chalk up that ONE person's lame comment to ignorance...
ReplyDeleteGosh, who knows what goes through people's minds. In the past six months you've been married, planned a move, and are changing the whole way you work. That's a lot! And how you process that & then articulate that is up to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything in here that qualifies as complaining that I can remember, and I'm certainly addicted to your writing. I think that those comments are more about the person writing them than about anything else.
As long as people's complaints are not innappropriate to share (like going OFF on your husband, which I saw on another blog) - they don't bother me. We all have good days and bad!
ReplyDeleteThat's so weird---I don't think of you complaining or whining AT ALL.
ReplyDeleteThank you. That was a nice reminder. I use my blog as an outlet. There are a lot of little things that build up, but aren't important enough to bring up to those involved, like my husband squeezing the toothpaste from the middle, so I complain on my blog. I don't want to start a fight; I just want to say "ARGH," and have someone else say, "I KNOW."
ReplyDeleteBesides, I think you're pretty honest, good and bad, so it's a good balance of happy-pretty-joy and sometimes-life-sucks.
I forgot to say that it was a nice reminder because I sometimes feel guilty complaining because my life is actually really great. But that doesn't mean I don't get sad, angry, frustrated or annoyed. I'm still entitled to have - and express - a full range of emotions.
ReplyDeleteWow, I always think you are so steady and even-tempered. The word "perspective" has come to mind often, as in YOU HAVE IT.
ReplyDeleteYou rock, Jess.
Well said!
ReplyDeleteI found myself nodding while reading this post.
Every so often I'll read a complaint that mommy-blogs (as a group) are too negative and complainy and I always repsond with a furrowed brow... which blogs exactly are these people reading? But I've come to the conclusion that there are certain personality types that react badly to the kind of "I'm a real person" complaining that everybody else recognizes as a gesture of solidarity.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a complaint-phobic blog reader, but I am an advice-phobic blog reader - even a hint of "let me tell you how it is" condescension will send me running for the hills (and I never cringe at my own writing except when I feel that note of advice-giving has crept in).
95 percent of gossip is complaining and it's GREAT. Complaining is really entertaining. So people like ALlie who complain about complaining are just entertaining themselves. As they very well know, there is nothing wrong with complaining!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though--I like your blog. You have a very real, warm, human voice and it's reassuring to read.
You express yourself so well, almost all I can say is amen.
ReplyDeleteThough, if that commenter wanted to find the one person in the world who is the worst off, and identify them as the only person who is ever allowed to complain, then okay. Otherwise, hush, you! (Not you, Jess, obviously.)
I remember that flower post, and I remember thinking it was hilarious, because of the way you perfectly captured the battle in your head between knowing you were overreacting but also being completely justifiably annoyed. It was real, and I think we can all relate to those thought processes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've always hated that phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff." All of life is small stuff, and it's the small stuff that will get to you and drive you crazy. The big stuff is almost easier to deal with because you KNOW it's supposed to bother you. It's the little stuff you have to battle with.
I have been reading your blog for a while now, just being a lurker, but I have no idea why someone would say you complain all the time. I find you to be honest and open. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteJess,
ReplyDeletePositive?
Happy?
"Still, I'd kind of like to have my weekend back."
Complaining about work.
http://duwaxloolu.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-do-is-not-strictly-necessary.html
Your wedding post. Your officiant wasn't the greatest. SO WHAT? Can't the fact that you're marrying someone you love be enough? Who cares if everything wasn't just so? Did it really lessen your wedding experience? Furthermore, a wedding is just a PARTY. You have your entire marriage ahead of you. You are spending the rest of your life with the man you love. That, in and of itself, should be enough. That beautiful commitment should be what you take from the day, not imperfections in the person who administered it.
"So! Let's talk about something else! Perhaps I'll take this opportunity to lodge some complaints about things that have been bugging me recently."
There are things going well? You were able to limit it to those five?
I'm frustrated you don't see this. Please take a look at your archives. It's very clear that you FIND things to bitch about.
No, I don't have to read, but if someone says something like this, it isn't out of malice. It is purely an attempt to see yourself a bit clearer.
Whatever. Blog whatever you want.
I don't think you complain too much, at all. I think the person that made that comment was probably just having a bad day, and taking it out on you. And I agree with everyone else - the truth is, it's more fun to read complaints than to hear someone gushing about their fortune. Why else would we read the tabloids?
ReplyDeleteI love comments like that. There's one easy fix DON'T READ MY BLOG!
ReplyDeleteIt's your blog, you can complain if you want to!
Dear Jess,
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, first time commenter. I'm frequently struck by how well thought your posts are, in that you have such a good perspective on things. It seems to me as if you've usually considered surrounding factors and look at the big picture. OF COURSE annoying things happen: that's part of LIFE. If your blog was one big happy-fest, it would be a boring read. I've always been *impressed* at how you handle things, and I, for one, have never really read it as complaining. It seems to me that you are an extremely intelligent, thoughtful, well thought, well thought of, amazing woman. I enjoy reading your blog. Thought it was an appropriate time to tell you. Plus, I thought you handled that rude comment well!
(And that kind of drive-by comment is why *I* don't have a blog.)
I had to go back and read that entry and the comments too. I don't think all you do is complain. I think most of the time, you're very upbeat and talking about all the things that are going well in your life. And the complaints make me laugh because they remind me that no matter what, life is what it is. Ups and downs, wins and losses, big one and small ones. If we don't learn to complain about the small ones and get them out of the way, the big ones will bowl us over!
ReplyDeleteThe flowers thing, oh my God, my first valentine's day, my now husband got a big bouquet sent to my apartment and I was so po-ed at him for wasting the money. Now, he knows to just get me some daisies from the super market. I have people I know who complain about their husbands so much that I wonder why they got married in the first place. I never think that reading your blog. You guys have a wonderful relationship but there are ripples in every pond.
Lastly, your blog = you write hatever you want to. If somebody thinks you complain too much, they can go read some saintly site where it's all roses and rainbows all day long.
As I mentioned, I've never been under the impression that you're a negative person or a complainer, but people will see what they want to see. Just as boring people are often bored, negative people often perceive negativity where it might not exist.
ReplyDeleteAgreed, nice post! Real life is much more interesting anyhow.
ReplyDeleteI don't even care if blogs are ALL complaining. It's a BLOG, and each writer has their own style. A lot of times, the most entertaining stories come out of the "mishaps" in life and the areas we can so-called "complain" about.
ReplyDeleteI don't even think what you write on your blog needs to be justified!
(Saying that, you wrote a really eloquent post explaining things, so I'm not against what you did, but I am just saying - I'm on your side, my dear!).
Blogs are personal and fun and a release; no one needs to tell anyone what to write. It's very simple to hit the little X on the upper right-hand corner of your browser... or just move on until you find a blog you do click with. It's not rocket science!!!! GEEZE!