Tuesday, November 18, 2008

"I do" is not strictly necessary, apparently.

Hi! I'm back! Tan and surprisingly un-grumpy about the fact that it's cold and gray here in DC!

Originally my thought for today was to do a honeymoon recap complete with photos, but we had some travel issues and got home a day late, exhausted, and our internet was broken and blah blah blah, apparently the honeymoon didn't do anything to teach me to get to the point any faster, but the damn point is, I don't have photos uploaded yet and so the honeymoon recap will have to wait. For now, suffice it to say, the honeymoon was awesome. AWESOME. And so relaxing. And now I want to start planning our next tropical vacation, like, STAT.

So! Since I don't have a honeymoon recap for you, let's talk about some wedding stuff! I'll have pro pics for you soon, but not yet, so for now we're all going to have to survive without photos.

To answer the recurring question about the goat cake, it was chocolate and hazelnut, NOT red velvet, because the idea was NOT to create a lifelike, bleeding dead goat! It just turned out way more realistic than I thought! But it was way yummy. Also, I broke with tradition and did not serve it at the wedding itself--instead I used it as dessert for the rehearsal dinner, which worked out well because that was at a Thai restaurant which didn't have much in the way of dessert options.

Oooo, let's talk about the officiant at the wedding, shall we? Because he was... well, he was special. We really struggled to find an officiant we liked (anyone remember the lewd 90-year-old man?), but we were really happy with this guy once we found him. We had similar values and a great meeting with him, and he was very helpful in terms of providing us with materials that helped us write the ceremony, but as the wedding got closer, I started to get worried about him. He canceled a few meetings and he seemed sort of absent-minded--misspelling and mispronouncing Torsten's name, and needing to be reminded of things we'd already discussed. I told myself that I was just being silly and that he would be fine on the day of once he'd reviewed our file more closely, but it turns out that I should have listened to my instinct.

I mean, he was fine, mostly, and the issues are things that probably only we noticed. But there were four problems with him. First, he kept pronouncing Torsten's name like "Tursten" ("Torsten" is pronounced phonetically: TORE-stin), even though in our last meeting we had very carefully gone over the pronunciation of the name with him and he had even written it down. Every time he said it wrong, I winced. Finally, while a friend was performing a reading, I whispered to my sister (the maid of honor) to please correct him. She did, and the next time he pronounced it correctly, then went back to pronouncing it wrong.

Second, he just seemed... off. A practiced wedding officiant should be able to make the ceremony run smoothly, and he seemed a little awkward. There weren't transitions. After the reading, we went straight into the part where Torsten and I read the words that we had written to each other, and it seemed like the officiant could have said something explaining that, like, "Now the couple would like to say a few words to each other" or something, but instead when the reading ended, he just whispered to us that we should do it, and then there was awkward silence while he handed us the copies of what we'd written. And at the end, instead of saying "You may kiss" so that everyone could hear it, as we'd discussed, he just sort of nudged us and said in a quiet voice that we could kiss. He just wasn't adept at managing the flow of the ceremony, and that was kind of his job.

Third, he added a big chunk to the ceremony. He stepped out in front of us and started rambling about how a marriage is like a building, and requires hard work by artisans over time. It wasn't bad, per se, but it was a bit cheesy, and also totally startling because we had gone over the whole ceremony with him beforehand and he just apparently decided to throw this bit in at the last minute.

Fourth, and most important to me, he skipped over half our vows. We spent a lot of time crafting those vows, and we made sure that we had a part in there where we promised to love each other and grow with one another (remember that?), and then we were supposed to say "I do." After that, we went into the part where we repeated after him "I take you to be my husband..." etc. But for some reason, I think because he lost his place, he skipped the first part and started straight with the second half. I noticed, but I thought maybe I had the order wrong, and by the time I realized that he had skipped that part entirely, we had already moved on to exchanging the rings and it just seemed like it was too late to do anything about it. So we got married without ever saying "I do," and without those carefully chosen words about loving not just the people we are now, but the people that we will become over the course of our lives.

It's not the biggest deal. The ceremony was still lovely and amazing, not just because of what it meant and the fact that we were there declaring our love and commitment to one another in front of our families and friends, but also because of the words we wrote for each other and the personal emotion that was contained throughout the ceremony. The little mistakes that the officiant made didn't ruin the ceremony, and we wound up married at the end, which was the biggest thing. Plus, it makes for a good story. And it was pretty much the only thing that went wrong in the entire wedding.

But still, it rankles a little bit. I wanted to say "I do" at my wedding, and hear my husband say it too. I wish that it had happened that way.

37 comments:

  1. That stinks! The name thing would have really bothered me. Can't wait to hear about the honeymoon and see pics! Welcome back!

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  2. I love your idea to serve the groom's cake at the rehersal dinner, I may have to borrow that idea.

    I am sorry that you two did not say the "I dos". I know that those two words are so simple yet profound. I hope tha tone day you do get to say them to each other.

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  3. First of all, welcome back. Second of all...your officiant..um. It will at least make a good story down the road! Sorry he didn't appear to know what was going on, though. That sucks. Especially after all the work you put into your vows. Did you say them to eachother later on, in private?

    Our officiant was telling Ryan and I what to say during our ceremony, and when it was my turn to repeat the vows to Ryan the officiant said "I take you as my wife." Thankfully I caught it and just said husband instead, and everyone laughed.

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  4. I say let's form a posse and go kick that officiant in his dimmy butt, because GEEZ!

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  5. Awww, sorry about the "I do"s. That is quite a moment to think of beforehand, isn't it? I still get chills reading our vows and thinking of that moment.

    Well, you know what this means, though, right? Vow renewal! Somewhere tropical! :)

    Can't wait for more pictures!

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  6. Also, it turns out I have an officiant story. Our officiant was a justice of the peace and a retired minister, so he could do a religious or non-religious ceremony. We clarified a few times that we wanted the NON-religious ceremony. And then he went ahead and did the religious one, so we ended up promising God and swearing before God and so forth, and I really wish we hadn't, and also he screwed up the information on our marriage certificate so we had to go downtown and get it cleared up, and when they "clear it up" what they do is scribble out the old information and write in the other information, so our certificate looks really crappy. But I ended up thinking the same as you: we're married and that's what's important, even though I'm still kind of pissed that the officiant screwed things up when it seems like he should be so, so, SO careful to get everything right.

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  7. That stinks about not being able to say "I do"! And that he skipped some parts you worked so hard on writing. Boo.

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  8. Oh, for my first wedding (blah), we served the groom's cake at the rehearsal dinner too. My aunt made it, and it was a beautiful white cake with strawberries on it, but it also had fake ants crawling all over it. It was spectacular.

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  9. I think you guys should take this hiccup and use it as an excuse to jump on every opportunity to say, "I do."

    "Hey Torsten, do you know where the mustard is?"
    "I DO!"

    "Hey Jess, do you think this shirt matches my shoes?"
    "I DO!"

    It could be fun :)

    PS I will definitely stay in touch, friend.

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  10. Does the officiant maybe have Alzheimer's? That seems way more disorganized than I would expect. The forgetting of the vows would have really made me angry.

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  11. While you are right, it doesn't change that you are married and the ceremony was lovely, it totally stinks.

    To make up for it, you should celebrate or renew your vows every year ... or every five years ... and be sure to say your ORIGINAL vows when you do.

    I know you were saying them in your heart!

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  12. Oh man, I'm sorry you didn't get to say everything that you had written or the "I dos". Our priest messed things up a little too. Maybe it was nerves?

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  13. you know, of the last several weddings i've been to, the officiant has screwed up more than not. WTF! how are these people all this bad at their job? once you get old do you just stop caring what other people are saying to you?

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  14. I would have been disappointed if my officiant had done that at my wedding. It's understandable! At least everything else was smooth and fabulous!

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  15. Awww, that's too bad! Our officiant was instructed to, when doing a reading, skip the part about having children as I can't have any..and you guessed it..it was right there! I had, had an emergency hysterectomy just a few months before at only 25 so I was still kinda raw...

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  16. That's why people have re-commitment ceremonies. In a year, have a small gathering of close friends and family and renew your vows. Only this time, cut out the middle man!

    Aside from the bumbling officiant, sounds like it was a lovely wedding.

    And chocolate and hazelnut... Oh, yum. So German, too!

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  17. We enjoyed this awkward and somewhat humiliating time (I would like to say "moment" but it dragged on for way longer than that, more like several minutes) where our officiant told us to turn and face the congregation and so we stood there facing the audience while our soloist sang on and on and on and on AND ON AND ON AND ON... and we're looking at the ceiling, trying not to laugh, trying not to cry, trying not to make eye contact with anybody, staring at the pipe organ ... oh. It was just. Painful.
    And we have many, many pictures of us (not from the pros; thankfully they saw "ceremony gone wrong" written all over that one) but snapshots of us looking so awkward and bored and confused and annoyed.
    So I know what you mean, jellybean.
    I agree with pessimisticredhead. I would say I DO every chance I got.

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  18. Our officiant totally biffed it too at our wedding. At one point I had to show him on his own papers where he was supposed to be! Oh well.

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  19. One of my friends that just got married hired a combo DJ/officiant who skipped an entire page of the ceremony and then yelled at the bride when she tried to point it out.

    So, it could have been worse, I guess?

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  20. Welcome back! And, sorry you're back to grayness.

    That officiant sounds horrible, to be honest; it is very nice of you to blow off most of his blunders. I would have gotten mad at the "i do's" as well, but you're right, if that's the worst thing to go wrong, it's really not that bad. My own husband disappeared for hours on end during our reception (talking to family and grandmother out in parking lot) and it also gets my hackles up to this day! to think about it.

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  21. I'm sorry. :( You worked really hard on those vows. I know what you mean about the I Do though, when Tony proposed he never actually asked me to marry him. Obviously he knew I wanted to, but I still kind of wanted him to ask. :P

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  22. My first thought is that if it were me, and I were a big romantic sap, which I am, I would make it some kind of nightly pre-bed tradition to say "I do" to each other to make up for not getting to say it at your wedding. Or something. My second thought is that I totally noticed he was pronouncing Torsten's name wrong, and I totally noticed that it was bugging the crap out of you, and I commend you for using your maturity and your sister to correct him and not stomping your foot and telling him to do it right, which is.... what I would have done.

    Anyway, it was absolutely beautiful, and I am so glad I was there to see it, and you, and everything, and to each all that amazing food. Congratulations again! It was amazing.

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  23. That totally stinks. But, in an attempt to make lemonade, you could throw a very informal one year anniversary party and, with glasses of bubbly in hand, exchange and reconfirm the vows you wanted to make to each other in front of family and friends.

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  24. I LOVE this blog. It is giving me all sorts of things to keep in mind while planning. i can NOT believe you didn't say I Do!

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  25. Oh, everyone - EVEN CYNICAL, PAIN-IN-THE-ASS ME - dreams of saying "I do."

    I am sorry, Jess. That is really too bad.

    But! You ARE married! Woot!

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  26. Oh sad about the I dos! But you've definitely got the right attitude, it'll turn into an oft-told funny story.

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  27. LOTM and I had an old friend of the family officiate the wedding.

    Big. Hairy. Mistake. He kept interrupting the ceremony to tell embarassing anecdotes about the family. Sheesh.

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  28. welcome back! glad you had fun on the honeymoon!!

    i can't believe your officiant forgot about "i do"! maybe you guys should have a private/ special dinner and do it your own way?

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  29. Awe that so sucks, but you are such a nice person for being so mature about it all. I agree with pess-red's comment about sneaking in the "I do" everywhere, that sounds like fun!!

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  30. Yeah, officiants can be tricky. One of my friends had an officiant who talked about the moon, the stars, and mother and father God. While I'm open to all ideas (and so are they), it was NOT a reflection of the couple nor was it something they asked for...

    What matters most is the vows in your heart. Something I'm sure you will remember everyday for the rest of your life. :)

    Congratulations!

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  31. Well that kinda sucks!
    But honestly - your vows are your own, it would have been nice to say them at your wedding, but you can say them every night before bed and on every anniversary if you like. They're between the two of you, and while it would have been nice to have them also be public, it's nice to have them private too = )

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  32. Count yourself lucky. Mrs Rager and I were married by a goat.

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  33. Oh no that stinks! Maybe not saying "I do" can be a running joke between the two of you? There is nothing you can do about it now....

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  34. Wait. Are you sure you're actually married? Kidding.

    Maybe this just means you'll be able to justify having a vow renewal much earlier than most couples do. You know, like next week maybe. :-)

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  35. Our officiant speed-read through our ceremony like she had someplace to be 10 minutes ago. It was annoying, but we're married! And I love the idea to say "I do" all of the time!

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  36. I'm impressed with how laid back you are about the missed vows. I would've been livid! All the same, now you extra reason to renew your vows someday - say on your second honeymoon around anniversary #10. :)

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  37. Welcome home!!!!
    Bummer about missing out on saying "I do" but at least you both knew that you meant them and meant to say them. Small consolation, I know. I would kind of ticked about it myself.

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