Today is my half birthday, traditionally a bleak day for me. The worst two that I can remember were the first two that sucked, back-to-back: the year I found out that my dog had died and the year that an incredibly nasty comment that a close friend made behind my back got posted on the internet. Other half birthdays since have sucked, but not as badly.
But in the past couple years, not so much. September 23 is just another day, a random day, a day that I often don't even notice. And I don't intend for it to be a bad day this year, even though I dropped my engagement ring off to be resized (it was 1.25 sizes too big. And to think it used to be a little tight) and so I'm feeling a little naked today.
But it got me thinking. Torsten has this habit of saying that he or we won't be able to do something... and being right. We won't be able to keep the apartment neat despite our best intentions. He won't be able to lose ten pounds despite his new diet. He says these things, and then they happen that way, and then he becomes more convinced that he's right when he says those things to begin with.
But I think there's something to the notion of self-fulfilling prophesies. If you think to yourself that your diet won't work, it won't, because you're setting yourself up for failure and you'll wind up undermining yourself. If you tell yourselves that you'll never get your apartment clean, then you won't try as hard, because you have a built-in excuse not to do it: it will never work anyway, so why bother?
I'm not saying that I caused my dog to die or my ex-friend to talk shit about me, but maybe in the years after that, once I'd convinced myself that my half birthday was a day when bad things happened? Well, maybe I tricked myself into noticing the bad things, into waiting for them and almost embracing them when they did happen, into looking for them even if I wasn't going so far as to actively seek them out.
I don't believe in fate or destiny, and I do believe in directing your own course. And I believe there's something to be said for optimism, and it's not just its own inherent cheeriness. I think if you're an optimist you'll really make good things happen, because you believe that they should and will happen, so you will do everything you can to make it so. I do think we lay our paths like that. Obviously we can't determine the outcome of things beyond our control. But I do think that what we do with the cards we're dealt makes a big difference, whether or not we recognize how much of it we control ourselves.
On the other hand, maybe I'm just a lucky person leading a relatively charmed life who has the luxury of saying these things because I am optimistic and things have gone well for me. Maybe I have the chicken and the egg reversed, and pessimists are pessimists because things go badly for them and they've noticed that that's how things work. Maybe I have it all backward and lack the perspective to realize.
What do you think? Do we fulfill our own prophesies or is it beyond our control?
New Recipe: Greek Penne Pasta
-
This recipe sounded delicious to me when I came across it, and it turned
out that it was. Also, I've reached the point with cooking where I can make
a few ...
14 years ago
I definitely think self-fulfilling prophesies are real. I'm often a victim of them myself. When I embark on a project of any sort, I usually know beforehand whether or not it is going to work, which has an obvious effect on the effort I put into it. Also, I am just lazy.
ReplyDeleteLittle wisdom to share on this, but I'm very much with you about second-guessing the pessimistic thoughts. My dude, on the other hand, is very much with Torsten. It's one of the things that's very hard for me to "get" about him, even after 6+ years. Do you think it's partly a male-female split?
ReplyDeleteI think it's a combination of both. Obviously, some things are out of our control BUT we can control the way we react to them. Something to think about, that's for sure! Especially since I just started a new diet.
ReplyDeleteWait, wait, I'm still trying to figure out my half-birthday. Is it 6 months different but the same numbered day? Like, if my birthday is April 15th, my half-birthday is October 15th?
ReplyDeleteI think it's a combo. Negative thinking can definitely lead to negative results, but some things are also out of our control.
ReplyDeleteLike when I wear white pants and ALWAYS spill a drop or two of coffee on them? Hmmm...
ReplyDeleteAnd until this very moment, I don't think I have ever even thought of when my half-birthday might be. LOL!
I wonder about this often. I'm a pessimist (but you knew that) and I'm always wondering if I am dooming myself by having a bleak outlook regarding some things. Then again, it seems like whenever I get my hopes up, it doesn't work out. I stand by the ol' "Hope for the best, expect the worst," mantra.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, I remember that if something bad happened in the morning, I was always convinced that it was going to be a bad day that wouldn't get better. Then I realized that that was the case b/c I was NOTCING all the 'bad' things that happened more than on a normal day.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of a quote that I can't find right now, but to paraphrase, it goes something like this: Life is not so much about what happens to you as about how you react to it.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are right - we can't always control what happens, but our attitudes definitely have an impact on the (at least perceived) outcome.
I think it might be a bit of both. I have one friend who has the worst luck - in major ways, people hitting her car, random bizarre illnesses - but is a pretty positive person who puts a lot of good energy into the world around her. But I used to work with a woman who was very, "Oh why does EVERYTHING happen to me???" And I did start to feel like she attracted some of it after a while. Nothing was ever easy with her. I think there is some truth to the idea that if you look for the bad things, you suddenly start to see them everywhere.
ReplyDeleteHey Jess,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support and sweet comments through my hurricane hell!
I wanted to say I am SO SORRY I missed your blog shower- things have been CRAZY down here - but I was and am thinking of you and I'm so happy you've found someone and are so excited about your life together. I wasn't trying to be a bad friend, things have just been nuts in Houston!
I totally put stock in self-fulfilling prophecies. The power of thought is amazing. Just think about all the good we could create in our lives just be believing in it!
ReplyDeleteAnd now I sound for a commercial for The Secret. I didn't mean to. I just really think that the mind is that powerful.
He's just German.
ReplyDeleteThat's normal for Germans.
Once he's hear longer than 10 years like me, he will get more positive. ;)
I definitely think there's something to self-fulfilling prophesies. I also believe that always expecting the worst to happen leads to missed opportunities becasue of the focus on failure. Admittedly, I don't always come out on top, but I do try to anticipate the good instead of the bad. I'm also finding that, as I get older, if there's something I really have a feeling of future failure about, then I just don't do it.
ReplyDeleteI totally believe in the self fulfilling prophecy. I really do. And I think a positive attitude can make a huge difference, absolutely. Although I do also think (hedging my bets!) that some days/experiences/occasions can be built up so much ahead of time that they are almost always disappointing. I try not to get too excited about my birthday because when it doesn't live up to my wild fantasies of what a birthday should be, I have a total emotional breakdown. Just too much buildup.
ReplyDeleteHalf birthdays, though, are meant to be excellent. Mine is on my brother's actual birthday, and vice versa, so that was always fun.
Happy Half! I do so hope it's a good one.
I definitely believe that a positive attitude has an impact on the outcome. Not to say thinking positively will always result in a positive outcome...But I do believe it makes it more likely, simply because the way we carry ourselves when thinking positively is conducive to positive things happening. :)
ReplyDeleteNo doubt, there are some things that are out of our control. But, by and large, I believe we have a lot more control over our lives than we admit. It's easier to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility for something you don't like and enact change to make it better.
ReplyDeleteAs far as predicting behaviors go, I think by this age there is something to be said about self-experience. I know myself to the point where, unless i radically change my behavior, many things can be said that are true (like, I will always use 3-4 glasses per day for water because I never remember where the frick I put them).
ReplyDeleteThat's not to say that you couldn't change, but it will take a LOT more strength than the usual M.O.
Self-fulfilling prophesies? I don't know. Jury's out on that one.
i think a person's positive or negative attitude can definitely affect situations. like if i go to a party i don't really want to go to and the whole time complaining that i don't want to go - i'm more than likely not going to have a good time.
ReplyDeletewe convince ourselves of the bad unfortunately. but we can also put things in a positive light if we try.
Too much thinking this early in the afternoon.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I think we choose our own paths. But I also believe that somehow there is a general plan for each of us. It's almost like one of those books where you choose your own ending depending on which pages you read, but all the ends are already written.
I don't know what I believe! If you figure it out, please let me know! :)
ReplyDeleteI think some things are beyond our control, but I totally believe in Self-Fulfilling prophesies.
ReplyDeleteI believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. If you think something negative is going to happen, then you tend to concentrate on the negative. If you concentrate on the negative then the negative is going to be what you notice.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think there's something to the self-fulfilling prophesies idea. Also, my half birthday was last week. I missed it!
ReplyDeleteI believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. In our house we always say "If you speak it, I believe it" when we catch each other starting to create a prophecy that we don't want to come to pass.
ReplyDeleteIt's a little superstitious, yes - but it helps us to be a bit more "correct" in what we're saying.
Happy Half Birthday! I "celebrate" those too - even if it's just in my mind. Mostly, it's a day I ear mark to think about my life-goals and how I've progressed since my last bday. I hope this year is a good one for you. Something's telling me it will be. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with people like Dabby & NPW - some things are a definitely influenced by our own line of thinking, and others might be a little beyond the scope of our mental control, but we certainly can control how we react to those things when the happen. I try to remind myself of that whenever I start to feel "out of control." We always have control of a situation - even if it's just over how we choose to react.
i think most of the time we self fulfill our prophecies, but sometimes thing are just out of our control.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's half and half, but if you can get yourself to think positively it's so much easier to deal with any of the bad.
ReplyDeleteI think there are many many things that are in our personal control, and many that aren't.
ReplyDeleteTake weight loss for example - I have the power to make healthy choices about what I eat and the physical activity I do. I do not, however, have the power to dictate whether or not I have a thyroid problem or other issue that may affect my weight.
I think it's both-- if you don't believe a diet is going to work then it won't. if you think your half birthday will be bad then you notice the bad things more on that day.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more with you. Maybe it isn't always self-fulfilling, maybe we're not always right and maybe if bad stuff happens we only make it worse by thinking oh i KNEW it was going to be a bad day!
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping to have a more optimistic attitude too in the future!
i DEFINITELY think attitude has a lot to do with it. i mean.. not that bad things don't happen to pessimists, but i think pessimists EXPECT more bad things to happen, so the bad things color their outlook more than the good things. bad things happen to me, too (uh... this year, anyone??) but i see them as the anomalies more than the expected outcome.
ReplyDeletethis is, of course, coming from about as optimistic a person as you can find, so who knows :-)
In the examples you used, it sounds less like self-fulfilling prophecies and more like advance excuses for why Torsten wasn't going to try hard enough.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, if you look for bad, you'll find bad.
i think they're real, but i'm still suckered in.
ReplyDeletetake the shittiest day of my life: friday at work. shudder.
ever seen the secret? i think it'd interest you!
My therapist asked me to monitor my thoughts for one week. I was shocked that 99% of them were negative and defeatist. Once I started to change them into positives, I saw a difference.
ReplyDeleteI would find parking easier, I was hired for two projects and I was much happier.
So yeah, I think that we can't control a lot of things in life. but we can control our thoughts. Its easier said than done. But it does make a difference.
I think if someone is constantly telling themselves, "I can't do this," then of course they will never be able to! You have to be a realist, but a bit of an optimist too. You have to push yourself!
ReplyDeleteYes and no.
ReplyDeleteI believe in what you do say regarding self-fulfilling prophecies, and there is certainly something to be said about the power of positive thinking.
However, I think going to far (ala The Secret) can be taken to the verge of blaming the victim.
I think you're right - positive attitudes bring about positive experiences, and negative thoughts and feelings are draining and bring about more negativity. Just look at you - you are so well-loved, and I believe that you expect people to be basically good by nature. You are a good person yourself, clearly. And you have a huge number of people who care for you and love you in return. I admire that.
ReplyDeleteI do think there is something to that 'self-fulfilling prophecy' idea. There are days when I look for something bad to happen. Some days are just easier than others to see the silver lining and be happy.
ReplyDeleteA little bit of both, I think.
ReplyDeleteSome things are meant to be, and some aren't. There are things we can change, and things we cannot. It's not knowing which is which that keeps life interesting, and the reason that we should never stop trying.